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Chapter 4 - Edited

Benjamin had become accustomed to life on the colony, its dusty air filled with ash that clung to his throat, creating a suffocating sensation. Clean air felt foreign to him now, a distant memory he could barely recall. Standing on the mountain top, he observed the avatar and his companions from a distance, their camp set up for the night. They remained unaware of his watchful gaze, lost in their own world.

The wind whipped through Benjamin's long, dark hair, tousling it as he gazed up at the starry sky. His golden eyes shifted down to his trembling hands, a familiar feeling coursing through his veins. The tremors, erratic and uncontrollable, reminded him of the first battle on Dxun's moon, the mud, the sounds of war, and the lingering presence of death in the Force.

It was an unsettling emptiness, a cold void within him. Benjamin tried to push the memories aside, striving for the peace he once knew. But when did things start to unravel? When did the threads of his life begin to fray? Was it when his mother handed him over to the Jedi? Or when the Jedi masters abandoned him, deeming him unfit for their teachings?

Perhaps it was the realization of his tumultuous relationship with the Force, his failures with the light side, or the path he followed alongside his master into war, culminating in the horrors of Malachor V. No, Benjamin understood that his life had been plagued with tragedy from the very beginning. It seemed the universe had a cruel sense of humor, subjecting him to one hardship after another.

Yet, a newfound sorrow weighed heavily on him. The old man's final words echoed in his mind, haunting him with their significance. The fire nation had snuffed out the old man's life, but his parting wisdom lingered within Benjamin's soul.

"No," Benjamin spoke aloud, his voice carrying into the descending twilight. His gaze followed the setting sun, as darkness slowly engulfed the sky. "You wouldn't understand...how could you?"

To Benjamin, his life had been an ongoing escape, a perpetual running away. He had found solace in that wretched colony, even in the midst of its meaninglessness.

Benjamin craved the predictable routine of his days, tired of life's relentless surprises and its power to dictate his path. All he yearned for was peace and tranquility, elusive comforts that had been stripped away from him by the Mandalorians, the Jedi, and now the fire nation.

"They took it all from me...my home, my purpose...Bill. Those goddamn bastards!" His fury surged within, a tempest of emotions raging through his shattered mind. Anger and guilt intertwined, coursing through the depths of the Force as his fists clenched with unwavering determination. His narrowed eyes gleamed with a familiar, seething hatred.

He longed to unleash his wrath upon them, to make the fire nation suffer just as they had made him suffer. He wanted retribution, a payment for the pain inflicted upon Bill and himself. The pain dulled, overridden by overwhelming feelings that shook him to his core—a memory from mere hours ago.

"Be good, Benjamin."

The surging hatred and rage that once consumed him began to wane, replaced by guilt and shame. Guilt for his own actions, shame for the person he had allowed himself to become. There were no excuses to be made, only the harsh reality of his cowardice, a deserter and a failure. He was no warrior, but a weakling who couldn't confront himself.

A feeble soul cloaked in anger and hatred, attempting to shield himself from the truth. But what happens when such a shield fails? There was nothing left for him, for he had become nothing.

Too feeble to fight back, too feeble to confront Revan, and now too feeble to protect the one person in the universe who saw the goodness within him. What now?

Ben's gaze fixated on his right hand, the strange bottle held within his grip. His golden eyes scrutinized the vessel, a reminder of the water tribe girl who had tended to his wounded arm. Alongside the flask, the ends of his cigarettes adorned the ground near his boots.

As he pressed the metallic lid to his lips and forced the fiery liquid down his throat, the taste no longer mattered. It was the act of forgetting, of erasing the image of the old man who had saved him, that consumed his thoughts. The burning sensation scorched his insides, but the warmth it provided brought a peculiar euphoria.

A sudden stillness in the air unsettled Ben, a chill coursing through his body and prickling his fingertips. He dropped the flask to the ground, its contents staining the grass, as his hand instinctively reached for his thigh, ready to draw his blaster. But then, recognition dawned upon him. How could he forget? It was the same presence he had felt when he was caught in the heart of Revan's Sith empire.

"Howdy...Benji..."

The feminine voice didn't startle Benjamin. His right hand drifted off his thigh, finding solace in massaging his temple. He already knew whose voice it belonged to.

"...why do you smoke those things, Benji?" The voice, absent of any footsteps or rustling leaves, resonated in his mind—a voice he hadn't heard in ages, yet one he could recall as if it were yesterday. "Those hinder your connection to the Force."

She stood there in her tan Jedi robes, a wisp of blue mist enveloping her. Her auburn hair cascaded behind her, reaching the nape of her neck, while her dark eyes fixated on the boy. Benjamin reluctantly opened his eyes, only to narrow them in annoyance. "...they help me forget. So, why the hell are you here, Master Surik?"

Ben wasn't angry, though his broad shoulders tensed and his free hand clenched into a fist so tight that blood began to trickle from his palm. It was the annoyance that truly rankled him.

She tilted her head, observing her apprentice. "Is that how you address your master?" With a playful gesture, she pressed her fingers against her forehead, feigning hurt. "It's been months since we last spoke."

A chuckle escaped Ben's lips at her remark, redirecting his attention back to his master as he retrieved the flask of cheap alcohol from the ground. "Months...I wish it had been longer. Leave me alone." His words were sharp as he took a hefty swig of the brown liquid.

However, both Ben and Meetra knew that wasn't going to happen. Like all Jedi, Meetra had her own agenda, and Ben was well aware of it. He could recollect her exasperating lectures, her attempts to manipulate his chosen path into something else.

Benjamin glared at the apparition of his former master. She pouted, gazing at her former apprentice. "You've grown bigger, standing at two meters tall now. You look like one of those athletes. Not the young boy you once were in the academy." Surik attempted a compliment, only to receive a sneer in return.

Benjamin sighed, shaking his head as he straightened his posture. He returned the strange small box that housed his cigarettes to his jacket pocket. "That boy died in the Mandalorian Wars. What do you want, Surik?"

She pouted, her former apprentice's annoyance becoming increasingly evident and demanding. "I'm not sure how I feel about my former padawan speaking to me in that tone. Remember who taught you during the wars."

"You...honestly, at this point, I don't give a shit. I don't want to see you anymore." He glared at her, his lips parting once again. "I don't give a fuck about what you have to say. Stay away from me."

His words were coarse and unrelenting as he forcefully dismissed her words. But Surik simply shook her head. She gazed at her former apprentice, well aware that she was asking for far too much. "The boy you're traveling with, the avatar. He needs help." She couldn't believe she was doing this, yet she knew it had to be done.

She couldn't meet his gaze for what she was about to request, but he had a destiny, and the world would not wait for him. Although she wished for the boy's happiness, there were greater matters that needed addressing before such joy could be realized.

Benjamin's eyes scanned the rock as he observed the boy and his friends slumbering under the starry sky. "Yeah, so what? I don't need your help, but you keep pestering me." He spat out the words, his tone filled with defiance.

She gazed at him, her eyes fixed on his face as he brushed away a few strands of dark hair from his eyes. "This world has been at war for over a hundred years, this fire nation are monsters just like the..." His face contorted, and he turned to his former master. "Just like the Mandalorians!" He spat out the words, pointing his finger at her. His voice was twisted, resembling that of a feral animal. His expression turned rabid as he snarled his words. "What do you want me to do...huh? Embrace the Force once again, construct another lightsaber...fight alongside this avatar?"

She nodded, a smile playing on her lips. "You were immensely gifted before, don't you remember? I was going to become a master, and you were going to be my full-fledged padawan. Recall that day when you came to me...how proud you were when you told me about your journey to becoming a Jedi Guardian, just like me."

His hand sliced through the air like a blade, a gust of wind trailing in its wake as he glared at his former master. A resounding smack of flesh filled the silence, halting her words as the shock of her apprentice's action reverberated in her ears. "But then the war arrived...it came and destroyed everything. I was what, twelve or thirteen when I joined you and Revan." A snort escaped the boy. "Revan, he welcomed me into his Revanchrist. Preached about the hypocrisy of the council, and for what..."

"For this!" he screamed, his hands thrusting toward the sky.

His voice echoed throughout the clearing, his hands outstretched while Meetra could only gaze at her former apprentice. She knew she had failed him, barely a Jedi Knight when she took Ben under her wing as an apprentice, she let him down on that desolate planet.

Her face hardened with determination. She wouldn't allow him to falter again; she would guide him back to the right path. "I know who I was...I understand why I could never utilize the light side as you do. I learned the truth, Surik!"

Ben's thumb pointed towards his chest. "A dark side warrior. That's what Vrook and the rest of those arrogant fools on the council called me!" Ben waved his hand dismissively, gulping down more alcohol to drown out the onslaught of memories. 'Leave...me...alone!' he screamed silently in his mind.

He wanted to hurl the flask at Meetra, to escape from her...to end it all and put an end to this suffering. He had no intention of doing what she asked; he never asked for any of this!

"Benjamin." She stripped the kindness from her voice, replacing it with gravity. The sudden change caught Ben's attention, and he refocused his gaze on her. "This is no longer a game...not anymore. This avatar, he needs assistance."

Ben arched an eyebrow, watching his master intently. He pursed his lips, then turned away from her and her incessant pleas. "Yeah, tell him to join the club. Everyone needs help."

"Benjamin, this world is in grave danger. It's reminiscent of what happened with the Mandalorians, Benjamin...it's time for you to reclaim your destiny. Reconnect with the Force...and become a Jedi once more."

Ben simply stared at her. His master...the woman who trained him when no other Jedi would. When they rejected him and labeled him a failure because he couldn't grasp their teachings. The woman who gave him strength...and he laughed.

It wasn't a normal laugh. Far from it...it was the kind of laugh that would unsettle even the most deranged patient. "After everything..." Ben coughed, wiping away a stray tear with his thumb. "You still expect me to be a fucking Jedi!"

"It's your destiny, Benjamin. You owe it to the galaxy...it's your duty! I remember you at the enclave on Dantooine. You were arrogant, brash...headstrong. But your skills compensated for it. Even at a young age, you surpassed your peers in lightsaber combat. I recall your prowess during the war...your mastery of the Shien and Ataru forms was unmatched. Rumors circulated among the ranks that you were destined to become a Jedi Battlemaster. And your abilities with the Force were..."

"The dark side of the Force...the only abilities I could ever harness, Meetra, don't you get it!" Benjamin slammed the flask to the ground with such force that it shattered into two. Splatters of the brown liquid burst into the air, propelled by his powerful throw.

"Yes, Benjamin. I know that your powers were stronger with the dark side. But I still don't understand. Why did you abandon it all...even after succumbing to the dark side, why did you run away?"

Ben scoffed, pointing his finger accusingly at Meetra. "Do you have any idea what it cost me in the end...the regret...the suffering...the hatred. The experiences I endured during the wars have never left me. I can't just start over. This is the end of the road for me, the legacy of the Sith and the Jedi...and don't you dare lecture me about running away! Don't talk to me. Don't you think I needed my master by my side after what we did on Malachor V? No...you didn't have the stomach for it. You abandoned me first, so don't you dare accuse me of running away!"

Meetra's gaze fell to Ben's boots. He was right...she abandoned him first, failed him when he needed his master the most. How could she? She messed up Ben's life, dragging along a kid not even fifteen at the time, thrusting him into a war he could hardly comprehend.

The Mandalorians shattered him...but she put him in that position. She didn't even deserve to speak to him now. Yet, her eyes shifted toward the trio at the camp. They were the only barrier between this world and darkness, and they needed Ben's help.

"And do you want to know the part that sickens me to my core, Meetra? That I enjoyed it...I relished the way my lightsaber felt when I used my twin cyan blades to cut down the Mandalorians, how my Force lightning fried through their ranks. I reveled in the challenge of fighting true Jedi knights when I fell to the dark side. I still see it in my dreams, Meetra. Sometimes I can feel it, the way my lightsaber cleaved through them, an echo in the Force."

Ben's words gnashed like a rabid animal. Sweat poured down his face, his fingers twitching erratically. His words rushed and unrefined as he remained fixated on the specter of his master.

"I'm sorry, Benjamin. All I can do is apologize...I can't change the past. I wish I had been strong enough to take you with me, but I returned to the Jedi to face the consequences of my actions. If I had taken you along, who knows what might have happened."

She saw it...it was subtle, but Ben's fingers ceased their twitching, and his face began to soften. Ben had heard rumors that after his master abandoned Revan following the war's end, she had gone back to the Jedi. That was the last he heard of Meetra, and he had assumed she was one of the many casualties of the civil war.

But he wasn't a fool. The Jedi would have meted out punishments equally to those who followed Revan...perhaps she believed she was protecting Benjamin in the end.

"I didn't know...that you would join Revan and fully succumb to the dark side. I'm sorry, Benjamin. But the fact remains...this world needs the avatar, and the avatar needs a Jedi. He needs you." Meetra took a step forward, but Ben turned away from her, scoffing at her words as he faced the boundless night sky. Undeterred, she pressed on. "You won't heal if you keep going down this path, Ben. This pit of alcohol and drugs won't make the mistakes of your past disappear. Yes, I understand the desire to forget, but now you have the opportunity to make amends. I will continue your training...I can mold you into a Jedi Knight and truly harness your talent."

"I was what, twelve or thirteen when I joined you and Revan." A snort escaped from the boy, the question hanging in the air like an unexpected breeze. Even Meetra was taken aback, her gaze fixed on the back of Ben's head. "Revan welcomed me into his Revanchrist. Preached about the hypocrisy of the council, and for what..."

Meetra observed the remnants of her former apprentice. Smoke curled from his lips as he avoided her gaze, his eyes locked on the stars above. "If I embrace the Force once again, I'll surely fall to the dark side. I don't want to do this anymore, this endless fighting."

His body shook as he wrapped his arms around himself, the chilly air tugging at his long hair, mirroring the bleakness in his words. There was no anger, no curses or swears...only a profound sadness and emptiness.

His gaze shifted to the slumbering trio, their campfire extinguished as they slept, blissfully unaware. "They'll drop me off at the nearest town. After that, we're done. Not just with them, but with you. Get out of my head..." There was a mix of sorrow in his voice, but he pushed it aside, taking another drag from his smoke as he futilely argued with his former master.

She sighed, exhaling through her nostrils at her obstinate apprentice. "You need this, they need you...the war they're fighting, they need a Je-"

"You dumb fucking bitch!" he roared, his sudden anger causing Meetra to take a step back, his accusatory finger pointing at her. "It's like it goes in one ear and out the fucking other. Jedi this...Jedi that. How about you leave me the hell alone? I don't care about this destiny crap, I never did. I was just a kid with a dream of being a Jedi, only to be rewarded with a living hell!" he spat.

"I've read the history. I know the tales of the dark Jedi Exar Kun...I know what that sick fuck did to the galaxy, or Freedon Nadd the Sith Lord and the famed Jedi prodigy. I know how the hypocrisy of the Jedi Council led to his fall, and how the entire damn Onderonian royal line are direct descendants. And let's not forget Revan, the man who waged war against the galaxy and turned me into a monster!" He lashed out, his hand slicing through the air like a rusty blade.

His breath was ragged, rattling in his core. His hand pressed against his chest as he pointed the other accusingly at Meetra, who still avoided his gaze. "Do you want to know what all these Jedi have in common? They're just like me!" A snort escaped him as he watched his master refuse to meet his eyes. "Talented in the Force, just like me. You know what that means? I have a higher chance of falling, just as I did during the war. It was a miracle that I abandoned the Force and severed my connection. Time and time again, we fought valiantly for the galaxy. For the people, for the galaxy...but there's so much injustice. We Jedi believed we were the best, while the Mandalorians were slaughtering, enslaving, and conquering the rim, we thought it wasn't our problem."

He slammed his hand against his chest, fury coursing through him like a raging beast. "I rejected their dogma, a kid not even sixteen killing Mandalorians, fighting against them...and what happened in the end? I failed and became a slave to Revan and the dark side!"

He shook his head, flicking the spent cigarette aside. "I have no intention of ever using the Force again or joining this avatar. Stay out of my head, and stay the hell away from me!" His voice growled with determination.

"Benjamin...don't you see? There's a darkness in this world, and this war is twisted. To save this world, to put an end to this hundred-year conflict, I can't let you give up." Her voice resonated with urgency, her piercing brown eyes locked onto his as they engaged in a fierce stare-down.

"Leave me alone..." he bellowed, slamming his foot down on the unforgiving ground. His fist clenched, his trembling hands gripping the leathery strap of his blaster. He ripped the weapon free, its weight solid in his grasp. Meetra observed the blaster at her apprentice's side and sighed, her ethereal hands running through her hair in frustration. "Benjamin...what are you planning to do with that? I'm a force ghost, you can't harm me!" She sighed, almost screaming at her apprentice's foolishness.

"Yeah...I know," he retorted, tilting his head at her. A dangerous glimmer flickered in his bloodshot eyes, his hands trembling uncontrollably.

Ben's hand quivered as he switched the blaster from stun to lethal mode. His fingers tightened around the hilt until his knuckles turned bone white. "Go away...leave me alone. Please...this is my life," he uttered solemnly, the realization dawning on Meetra.

The cold, ornate gold barrel pressed against the side of Ben's head. He could almost taste the metallic scent of the weapon, hear the pounding of his heart, and feel the stillness of his breath as he stared down at Meetra.

No words were exchanged. Meetra simply stared back at her apprentice. After a moment, her eyes narrowed, and she groaned in defeat. "Benjamin, I will leave now...but remember this. Your destiny is yours, and the force will guide it...no matter how far you run, you can't escape it."

And with that, she was gone. The blue mist evaporated before his eyes, leaving Ben's trembling hand to drop the blaster to the ground. His body quaked as he collapsed onto the floor, his knees sinking into the dirt. His eyes remained fixated ahead.

Always...looking forward.