Please don't forget to follow, favorite, and leave a review. Your support is invaluable and greatly motivates me in my writing, publishing, and overall work on this fic. Have a fantastic day!
Chapter 9 - Edited
"So… you've finally come," Meetra's shimmering blue lights flickered before Ben's gaze as the coarse wind ruffled through his hair. He stood a mile away from the campground where he and Team Avatar had set up, departing during the first light of the sun.
Meditation was always a struggle for him, battle and fighting being his comfort zones. Sitting still in silence felt dreadful, and even calling on the force for mundane tasks nearly made him pass out.
Ben rose from his crouch, meeting Meetra's gaze in the misty blue reflection. "Have you finally realized your responsibility towards the Jedi and this world?" she asked, causing Ben to nod in agreement.
With a newfound sense of respect, Ben bowed, his eyes fixed on Meetra's shoes. "I am sorry, Meetra. For everything," he said, lifting his head to gaze into her eyes, emotions threatening to spill over. "I was wrong for everything…I know, I am a monster. Even then, I need you to teach me once again the ways of the Jedi."
Meetra kneeled before her apprentice, sensing the guilt and sorrow surrounding him in the force. She knew it wasn't entirely his fault; it was the failings of his masters, including herself, and the warped teachings of the Jedi that led him astray.
The war and his fall to the dark side were products of her own failings as a master. She had abandoned him to the Sith while she wandered the galaxy during her exile, and everything he became was a result of her actions.
But telling him that he was a child soldier, a slave to higher powers who didn't know any better, wouldn't change the fact that she had failed him. She sighed, shaking her head, listening to Ben's words. She was grateful he had survived this long, fortunate that the smoke in his lungs or the alcohol hadn't taken him, or that he hadn't succumbed to drunken brawls that could have easily killed him.
Her Benjamin, her first apprentice. She wouldn't fail him again. It was her chance to correct the mistakes she made when she was only eighteen. "Alright then, let's begin," she said with determination in her voice.
Ben nodded, a small grin stretching across his face as he eagerly awaited Meetra's instruction. She could sense his happiness, and she too felt fortunate for this second chance.
"Meetra, I need to confess," Ben said, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I can hardly remember any of my abilities… my lightsaber forms as well. Many times, when I called upon the force, it was mostly muscle memory."
Meetra understood, nodding in acknowledgment. It wasn't uncommon for Jedi to cut themselves off from the force, blocking it along with their other memories. "Yes, that is unfortunate… though not a rarity," she murmured, meeting Ben's gaze.
"Indeed," Ben agreed, absorbing the knowledge his master imparted. He had witnessed it himself, the force surging through him in moments of desperation or fear. The power was both intoxicating and terrifying. He couldn't deny that a part of him yearned to feel it again, like a junkie craving one last fix.
Smoking and drinking had become his coping mechanisms, numbing the nightmares and horrific memories that plagued him. But Meetra's next demand hit him hard. "You can't drink anymore… and I want the smokes gone."
Ben's instinct was to argue, but Meetra silenced him with a raised palm. "Those things… they limit your connection to the force," she explained. "The alcohol and smokes are obstacles, Benjamin. If you want to move forward, you have to let go."
He gritted his teeth, conflicted between his vices and his desire to reconnect with the force. Memories of Kiara and her deadly power haunted him, making him feel vulnerable and weak. He grunted in response, torn between compliance and defiance.
Meetra shook her head, understanding the complexity of Ben's connection to the force. She knew his guilt over his actions during the Mandalorian and Jedi Civil Wars, wars that had shattered his loyalty to the Jedi. This journey towards redemption would be challenging, but she was determined to guide him back to the path of the Jedi.
She could sense it—part of Ben still harbored hatred. Hatred for the Mandalorians, for the Jedi, for the Sith. Meetra vividly remembered the day she discovered the truth of what the council had fed Benjamin during his years at the enclave. The betrayal he suffered wasn't justifiable; it was wrong, and she knew they deserved punishment for it.
However, she also understood that if Ben clung to those intense emotions, he risked falling to the dark side once more. He needed to let go, to release the burden of his anger towards the Fire Nation, the Mandalorians, and the Sith, or those feelings would only fester, making him more powerful, but twisting him into something far from a Jedi.
"Let's begin, Benji," Meetra declared, breaking Ben from his daze. He shook his head, coming back to the present, and discarded his shirt. Closing his eyes, he felt the force enveloping him, but it felt different this time.
Before, the force seemed like an echo in a cavern, faint and distant. You could trace its source, but it was never the original sound. This time, it was different, like being in a dark forest with the light of a distant campfire. Ben could see the blaze, but he wasn't close enough to feel its heat, only to bask in the orange glow.
He cautiously opened his eyes, breathing heavily as he extended his right hand. His fingers flexed, and he felt the force wrapping around the boulder. Straining his body, he lifted the rock, and it gently hovered in the air, dirt and roots falling away from its bottom.
"Well done, Benji," Meetra praised, and a smile spread across his face. The rock dropped back into the hole with a resounding thud.
Exhausted, Ben took a knee, sweat dripping from him like rain. "What now, Master?" he inquired.
"Keep going… until we stop," she replied.
"Until we stop?" Ben pointed at the rock. "I was able to lift it, and I can create powerful force pushes too. Maybe we should—"
Meetra interrupted him, shaking her head. "That's not the point, Ben. You've been impulsively using the force in dangerous situations. You need to practice using it on larger objects for extended periods. Consider it strength training."
The information settled heavily in Ben's mind, and he grudgingly complied with Meetra's instruction, continuing the exercise. Exhaustion tugged at him, but he pushed through, eyes fixed on the boulder, mind focused solely on his connection to the force.
After half an hour, he collapsed to the ground, his arms barely keeping him from face-planting into the dirt. Meetra observed him, noting his skill. Impressive, she thought, that he could lift and hold the boulder for such a long time. Perhaps, with enough dedication and training, they might stand a chance against the legion of Fire Nation and Sith chasing them.
"Ben," Meetra asked, "do you recall any lightsaber forms?"
He glanced up, drenched in sweat, his golden eyes locking onto hers. "Kind of, it's complicated. I remember the balance I mastered while training with the double-bladed lightsaber, but I can hardly remember any of the other forms."
Meetra nodded, understanding his predicament. He would need to relearn his lightsaber forms, a task that required patience and practice. However, they didn't have much time to wait for the force to provide the necessary pieces for him to build his saber.
Her eyes fell on Ben's sword, lying limply on the forest floor. Though not a lightsaber, it resembled one in some ways, with its long hilt and enlarged blade. It would have to do, as they had nothing else to work with.
"Benjamin, how many forms did you master?" she inquired, trying to gauge his abilities.
"Well, I know shi qui, the simplest form. Kreia taught me the Shien form, and you taught me Ataru during the wars. But that's it. I never learned Makashi, Soresu, Juyo, or Niman. However..." His face lit up as a realization struck him. "Ah, also Jar Kai."
Meetra's eyes widened. "Jar Kai?" she repeated, astonished. "I knew you converted your lightsaber into a double-bladed one, but I had no idea you learned the form for dual-wielding two lightsabers at once."
Ben nodded, a faint grin of pride on his face at having impressed his master. Kreia had been apathetic during his training, and it felt good to finally earn the admiration of one of his teachers. Jar Kai was a rare lightsaber form, and he had learned it while attending the academy on Korriban while Revan and the Sith were preparing for war with the Republic.
"Yeah, it's a skill I picked up. But to be honest, I never really liked the feeling of two separate blades. Give me a single-bladed one, and I'll be just fine," he admitted, his determination clear in his voice.
Meetra took note of the word he used—single-bladed lightsaber. It struck her as peculiar, given that he had constructed a single-bladed weapon during his time at the academy, only to later convert it into a double-bladed one before joining Revan, defeating his friends in a duel.
But Meetra didn't want to dwell on that day any longer. The conflict and its reasons remained elusive, incomprehensible. Instead, Ben expressed his desire to learn a force ability beyond strengthening his core skills.
"Okay, let's get to it. Wait... did you just say no core abilities?" Meetra questioned, surprised by his request, to which Ben nodded with unwavering commitment.
Meetra understood the truth about Benjamin's nature. A dark side adept—someone who embraced the darker aspects of the force. There were other dark side adepts who could dabble in the light side to some extent, though not as powerfully. But Ben was different, an anomaly, unable to use any light side abilities at all, rendering him practically useless as a Jedi.
She knew that Ben was aware of this fact even as a child, isolated and abandoned by the masters who saw him as a stain on the order. Yet, she also saw the fire within his golden eyes, a determination that refused to be extinguished.
Maybe, just maybe, something changed within him. After the horrific experiences he endured, perhaps he could now tap into the light side. It had been years, and people can change.
"Okay, force valor... I assume you've heard of the ability before," Meetra explained, observing Ben closely as he braced himself. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine the force flowing through him, strengthening his body, sharpening his senses, and rejuvenating him.
Ben struggled to focus, trying to harness force valor with all his might, but his form nearly buckled under the pressure. His breathing quickened, hands clammy and twitching erratically.
Until he... fell to the floor, his arms catching his body as Meetra calmly walked over to her apprentice.
"Why is it not working?" he asked, eyes glued to the ground, sweat dripping from him.
Meetra silently observed him, understanding that Ben couldn't suddenly master the light side after years of being a dark side adept. It was wishful thinking. He needed to come to terms with that part of himself, learn self-control, and stop lashing out with the dark side, expecting everything to be fine. It was time for him to confront his inner demons.
To Ben, it would always be just... one more. One more time he'd resort to force lightning, one more time he'd yield to the force's darker side, until "one more time" multiplied into nearly a dozen. By then, the cycle of self-destruction would have consumed him, and he'd abandon the pretense of saying "one more time," merely succumbing to the dark side or embracing a dangerous delusion.
Ben's head tilted toward his master, Meetra, who stared back at him, though he interpreted her gaze differently. His eyes widened as he felt her gaze pierce through him, igniting memories from his childhood—those masters who would peer at him, their gazes drilling into his trembling form as he failed to meet their expectations. Meetra's face melded with the faces of those who had disappointed and forsaken him.
The dirt floor was his only solace as he clawed at it, consumed by unimaginable shame and guilt for his perceived failure. He considered himself a failure, unworthy of becoming a Jedi Knight, unable to harness the light side of the force.
But sorrow and self-loathing morphed into anger and hate. He hadn't asked for any of this, and the arrogance of the Jedi Council forced his hand. The council members dispatched children to fight the Mandalorian threat, and that's how he ended up here—turned into what he despised.
His breathing grew rabid, mirroring that of a rabid mutt. "God damnit!" he roared, his right fist pounding the dirt, the dark side's chilling allure now wrapping its tendrils around him like a seductive song, whispering promises of power and grandeur.
Vibrant cracks of red electricity enveloped him, as he surrendered to the dark side's temptations. Meetra watched with hesitation, witnessing the unrefined manifestation of force rage—a consequence of Ben's connection to the force or perhaps his unfamiliarity with the ability. Nonetheless, he wielded the power.
Falling backward, he snapped the connection, staring at his palms as the faint sparks of red lightning vanished.
Meetra observed this newfound ability in awe. Force rage—an apt term, yet still unpolished. It didn't matter. He had used it, and she marveled at his potential.
Once again, he assumed his stance, determined to try force valor once more. "Don't worry, Meetra. I won't disappoint you... I won't fail you," he quickly declared.
She watched him for a time, uncertain of what to say or do. Could she convince him to abandon the dark side and rely solely on his core abilities? Even if she tried, she knew he wouldn't listen. He'd continue striving to be the "ideal" Jedi he imagined. Yet, it was too late for that. The path he had taken had already led him deep into the shadows.
He was still that scared little boy, clinging to the dream of becoming a Jedi Knight. But how long would he hold onto that hope?
Ben crumpled to the floor, his breaths ragged, as he turned his gaze toward his master. Meetra involuntarily took a step back, unsettled by the sight of him. His voice was raspy, his eyes wild and unbridled.
"Meetra... why has the light side of the force abandoned me?"