Chapter 9: About Love

Connor thought he liked Sunnydale.

It was easier to breathe here than in LA, and there was room to move without running into someone, though the demons were just as plentiful.

It had been weird to have his own room, though.

In Quor'toth, he had been lucky to get a few hours of sleep in whatever cave he and his father could find. After he had come back, he had stayed in various hotel rooms, from the one night with Sunny, to the room he had shared with his father (the one he had died behind why hadn't he been there he could have stopped it he could have saved-), to the one in Sunnydale.

At first, the room had stayed just as plain as when he had first moved in, since the furniture had come with the house and his clothes stayed hidden in his closet. Cordelia had quickly noticed this, however, and, realizing he had no sort of decorations, had taken him shopping.

Nothing particularly struck his interest, though Cordelia had grabbed some books ("To get you caught up on school"). He was about to give up when Cordy had gotten an almost mischievous look on her face.

"I think you'll like this."
Connor looked at the box in confusion. There was a picture of some sort of other metal box on it, but he had no idea what it was.

"It's a camera," she told him. "So you can take pictures of everyone to hang up."

Which was why he was currently taping up his newest batch of photos around the mirror in his room.

"Knock knock."

He turned and saw Dawn leaning against his bedroom door frame.

"Hi." Connor gave her a smile.

"Hey." She entered the room, leaning in to look at the photo collection. "I don't think I've seen any of your pictures yet."

He shrugged, looking at her.

"Could you tell me about some of them?"

He smiled, and found his heart beating slightly faster than it had before.

"Um…" He pointed to the first one. "This was the first one I took. Buffy was helping Cordy move in some furniture." The Slayer had an amused expression on her face while Cordelia ordered everyone around.

"And here's Tara and Oz reading after dinner." It hadn't taken much time at the Summers' house to notice that the witch and werewolf always ended up sitting on other ends of the couch reading after they finished cleaning up after dinner. Someone had mentioned they had both dated Willow, and Connor idly wondered whether they had picked up the habit from her.

"You and Fred when you were talking about the… experiment thing?" It was something about school, which Connor hadn't had much experience with. Gunn was also in the background of the photo, and was looking at his girlfriend with a soft expression and smile on his face (it made Connor think about his first conversation with Buffy, and he wondered what love was when it wasn't him and his father taking care of each other when no one else could).

"And…" he felt his finger reach out and gently touched the strangest photo. "Dad and Buffy."

He didn't get it. How she could love him. At first, he had thought she was either evil or had been tricked, but only a few more conversations had made him forget the first theory (something that had happened with every member of Angel Investigations), and the second…

"Is Angel still giving you those fighting lessons?"
"Yeah." Angel was so happy whenever they spent time together.

"I'm so jealous about those."

"Buffy's still telling you no?" He was sympathetic to Dawn's problem. He couldn't imagine being surrounded by fighters and not being able to fight himself. Or maybe he just couldn't imagine not being able to fight.

"Unfortunately." She huffed, before her mood switched like it was attached to a lever. "Are you still on for pop culture catch-up with Xander?"
"Of course," he told her, his smile widening.

She smiled back, her nose slightly scrunching as they looked at each other, before the sound of Cordelia (once again) moving a piece of furniture made them turn.

"I don't know why she's focusing so much on the house," he remarked, and Dawn formed a sympathetic face.

"It's probably just her way of dealing with her break up with Groo," she said.

And there it was again. Love.

"Yeah," he responded.

"Anyway," Dawn said. "See you later!"

She breezed out of his room, and he heard her say bye to Cordelia before the side door opened and closed.

He smiled, and turned back to the photos. The smile slipped off his face as he found the photo he had looked at last.

Buffy and Angel.

He had caught them setting up for one of the group dinners they kept on having, and they had some sort of vegetable in front of them, but they had been looking at each other when he had taken the picture. 'Soul gazing', as Cordelia had sarcastically called it.

He had only put pictures of Angel up because it would be weird to do other-wise. That was it. He was just keeping up the facade of Angel's son until he could come up with some sort of revenge for his father's death.

"Connor!"

"Yeah, Dad?"

The vampire appeared in the doorway. "Did I ever pick up that lamp Cordy ordered for the living room?"

Connor thought for a moment. "I think so. Yeah, you did. After we went grocery shopping."

Angel sighed in relief. An irritated Cordelia was definitely something to avoid if possible.

"Thanks, son."

"You're welcome."

(He definitely didn't enjoy the love Angel seemed to give him without asking for anything in return.)

†

Tara could remember the exact day they had started their little ritual. Oz had just come over for the group dinners they had started having with Angel's team, and Dawn had convinced him to stay for a movie afterwards. Buffy had called Dawn into the kitchen to help clean up beforehand, though, and Oz had made his way to the couch where she was reading.

"Can I join you?"

She smiled and nodded, and he picked up a book from the nearby shelf. Little Women. She felt her eyes slightly widen as she realized that he knew exactly who she had gotten her after dinner routine from. He gave her a small smile.

"I thought her favorite book would be appropriate."

She nodded, tears staying unshed. "You've- You've read it, I assume?"

He nodded, and they silently sat together with their books.

"Who's your favorite character?" she asked after some time.

"Beth," he answered, smiling. "You?"

She ducked her head. "Same."

†

Somehow, Spike got onto a freighter. If he had been, well, sane, he probably would have checked to see if it was heading to California, or even the States at all. But honestly? He was lucky he still had enough survival instincts to keep him out of sight and away from sunlight.

His days were filled with thoughts of the people he had killed, tortured and otherwise hurt.

And Buffy.

(Probably a bit too much on Buffy, but he never claimed to be a good man. Like anyone could ever consider him one.)

He had one goal: get to Buffy. He would try to apologize. If he could. He should. He hurt her. He hadn't meant to, but he had and a voice kept whispering monster not a man not at all hurting the one you love.

A small part of him also wanted to go to Angel, if only to try and figure out how to push out the voices in his head, the faces in his mind.

But he probably still saw them after a hundred years if the brooding was any indication.

And Buffy. He had to get to Buffy. Show her… something. (There was something to show her.)

Maybe she would stake him. He certainly deserved it.

So he would go to Buffy. Apologize, get yelled at, or staked, or forgiven.

He still loved her, of course. Got a soul for her. (Had he? He couldn't remember.)

Get her what she deserves.

He was losing his mind, and wondered when he would start talking to the stars.

(Name them. The same name?)

Buffy.

Poor Connor's just really messed up. I wasn't sure if I wanted to include the book reading, but in the end I decided "why not?".

I really like the Spike scene. It also shows that no matter why he actually went to the cave, he now believes he went to get a soul for Buffy.