Fortune Telling & Fruit
Written for the Take A Prompt, Leave A Prompt challenge
Prompt - "People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff."
Also written for the Weekly Random Topic Competition
Prompt 1- "When life gives you lemons, sell them and buy a pineapple. How to better your life 101."
Prompt 2 - How pineapples killed [insert character name]
Prompt 3 - "I'd really like a pineapple right now."
Prompt 4 - fruit
Ever since Umbridge had thrown Trelawney out on her arse in front of the whole school, the failed seer started drinking more so than she normally did. She was depressed, and after Dumbledore made arrangements to keep her in the castle, the teachers often found themselves in the company of a drunk, crying seer who was thoroughly upset at being ridiculed and embarrassed in front of her students.
Most of the teachers tried comforting her, listening to her carry on into the long hours of the night until she either passed out from drinking too much or fell asleep. Tonight it was Severus' turn to babysit the drunken seer, and needless to say it wasn't the most enjoyable way for him to spend his evening. It was bad enough that he had to put up with annoying children whose only goal in life seemed to be exploding every cauldron they came in contact with, but this...this was too much.
He heard her coming before he saw her, her bracelets jingling as she hiccuped and staggered down the steps.
"Severus!" she called out, her words slurred from the amount of alcohol she'd been drinking.
The Potions Master looked up from the book he was reading and groaned. He knew this would happen eventually, and that he couldn't keep turning her around and pointing her in the direction of the other teachers whenever she approached him.
He'd seen the disapproving glances he'd received from his fellow teachers, the way Professor Spout glared at him when he directed the seer's attention to the head of Hufflepuff house for the third time that week. He knew they didn't want to deal with her anymore than he did, but he honestly didn't care. He needed his quiet time in the evening to unwind after listening to his students all day. And he couldn't relax while he was listening to Trelawney spew her drunken nonsense.
"Severus, I'm so glad I found you," she said, stumbling down the stairs and practically falling into Severus' arms. "I need your help with something. I'm working on a class with Firenze and I am in need of assistance."
Severus helped her stand up straight and walked her over to the couch. "What is it you need help with, Sybill?" he asked.
"The students have started studying sidereal time in order to begin calculating their astrological birth charts," Treylawney explained, sinking onto the couch and pulling her shawls around her for warmth. "The only problem is that I'm having difficulty explaining it to them. You see, Severus, most people assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect...but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly...timey-wimey...stuff."
Severus raised an eyebrow, giving her a curious look and said, "Shouldn't that be Professor Sinistra's department?"
"You'd think that, wouldn't you? But I'll have you know that, in some places, astrology and divination meet, Severus. And once you create your astrological birth chart, you can create your own horoscopes and calculate your destiny."
She paused, taking a drink from the bottle of sherry she'd brought with her during her late night trip through the castle, then belched loudly and continued.
"I'd really like a pineapple right now. I may have to have one of the house elves fetch me some crystalized pineapple." Trelawney leaned forward in her seat. "Severus, did I ever tell you about the time my aunt Tessy was killed by pineapples?"
"No." Severus had no idea where this conversation was going. He looked down and saw her hand on his knee. This was starting to make him rather uncomfortable.
She patted his knee and laughed. "I was ten when it happened, Severus. My aunt used to tell me that if you wished on a star, your wish would come true. Tessy always wanted to visit a tropical island, the kind with palm trees and pineapples, bananas, passion fruit and coconuts.
"One night she wished on a star that she could go to a beautiful island, where she could sit in the sun and eat pineapples all day long. She wished so hard that she accidentally ended up conjuring a bunch of enormous pineapples. They fell from the sky and hit her right on the head. She was the only person in my family to ever experience death by pineapples."
Severus stared at her, a look of incredulous disbelief on his face. Was this woman telling the truth? If so, he didn't know whether to laugh or to feel sorry for her.
"Let me give you some advice, Severus," Trelawney continued, hiccuping as she leaned back on the sofa, her glasses sliding halfway down her nose. "When life gives you lemons, sell them and buy a pineapple. How to better your life 101."
She was smiling at him when she said this, and Severus was beginning to think the poor woman had consumed so much alcohol that her brains cells were slowly beginning to wither up and die.
"And how exactly would that help improve the quality of one's life, Sybill?" asked Severus.
Trelawney took another sip of her drink. "Because you can do a lot of things with a pineapple. Such as killing your annoying relatives. And if we had enough pineapples, we could easily win the war by dropping loads of gigantic pineapples on the Death Eaters when they storm the castle. I'm sure they'd never see that coming, now would they, Severus?"
The dark man sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "Of course not, Sybill. And then several years from now everyone will read in the history books about how we won the war with excessive use of fruit."