Horse Friend
A/N: I know computers don't exist in the wizarding world. But this is crack, so just roll with it, okay? And happy April Fool's Day to all my friends and readers! Here's some foolishness to brighten up your day.
Bellatrix stared at the horse that was pacing back and forth on the screen, her eyes wide with horror as she watched the little horse poops multiply. Severus could tell from the look on her face that she was about to explode. He watched her pause, just long enough to draw breath into her lungs, and quickly placed his hands over his ears as she began to scream.
"Is that a pile of horse shit?!" she exclaimed. "I'm a pureblood! Do they seriously expect purebloods to clean up horse manure? That's what house elves are for. It's their job to clean up all the poop!"
She was still ranting when a curious Dark Lord pushed her aside and sat down in front of the computer. Though by now the horse was dead, thanks to Bellatrix's less than perfect pet care skills.
Voldemort rubbed his temples and sighed. "Good grief, Bella. Not another one." He clicked the mouse and was rewarded with a brand new horse. "Are you sure that's horse poop?" he asked, leaning forward and squinting at the computer. "I thought it was food. But why does his health go down when the food appears?"
The horse walked back and forth, then dropped a load of pixelated dung on the floor.
"Oh wait, that's poop," said Voldemort. "Yes, that's why it always appears beneath the horse." He clicked on the pixelated dung pile and the horse's health bar refilled itself. He seemed to be enjoying this game. But there was something about this strange muggle video game that he didn't understand.
"Why would someone make a game that's all about cleaning up after horses?" he asked, his attention focused on the pooping horse.
"Perhaps it has something to do with the popularity of horses, my lord," said Severus, speaking in his usual monotone. "Most young females find them quite entertaining. And there are plenty of little girls who wish to acquire a pony for their birthday."
Voldemort suddenly let out a high pitched girly scream. "Ponies! Severus, I've always wanted a pony! From now on this my pony. My pretty widdle pony baby poo."
"Sir, it's a horse. It's not even real."
"Shut up, Severus! If I say it's a pony, then it's a pony, dammit! Now fetch me some pop tarts and a glass of strawberry milk. I'm going to be here a while. My pony needs me."