The Lestrange Family Reunion
A/N: Credit to Hawkflight7 for coming up with the idea of Rabastan's naughty popsicles, and to Maisie Malfoy for inventing turtle meditation. The rest of this insanity is mine.
It began as a simple request.
"Find the child, Credence. Find the child and we'll all be free."
He didn't know how it led to this madness and perversion. And all because of the necklace Graves had given him. A necklace which, unbeknownst to Credence, also functioned as a time turner.
Graves instructed him to turn it seven times, and when Credence's fingers found the circle at the center of the pendant, he discovered that it would spin when given a gentle nudge. Credence wasn't sure why Graves told him to do this, and he didn't like the looks of that hungry, almost predatory smile that spread across Graves' face as he watched him examine the pendant. But this man always seemed to have his best interests at heart, and so he turned the circular pendant seven times before the time turner transported him to place seventy years in the future.
The building he'd entered, with its polished floors, decorative banner and wide buffet table resembled the meeting at city hall that Credence had interrupted when his Obscurus attacked Senator Shaw. The only difference was that instead of a room full of No-Majs, Credence now stood in the middle of an enchanted gathering filled with witches and wizards that had come together for a very special occasion.
Credence blinked and looked around in confusion, his eyes flitting left and right, trying to take in everything at once. Looking up, he noticed a banner on the wall over the buffet table that was emblazoned with the words "Lestrange Family Reunion".
The next thing he noticed was the variety of delicious food on the table in front of him. Most of it looked rather appealing, such as chocolate mousse, a pyramid made from cheese cubes, and something which he assumed was caviar. His stomach produced an audible growl and, looking around to see if anyone had noticed him yet, Credence reached towards the mound of cheese, only to stop midway when he saw a silver bucket that had been placed at the center of the table.
The bucket was overflowing with ice, as well as a variety of popsicles that came in every color of the rainbow. A sign on the table proudly declared that these were "Rabastan's World Famous Popsicles". Credence thought that sounded pretty good and considered trying one. That is until he took a closer look and discovered that each of the popsicles had been made to resemble a certain part of the male anatomy.
A flush of color rose in Credence's cheeks as he hurriedly backed away from the obscene centerpiece. He stumbled backwards in his haste, eager to leave the buffet table behind, and felt something cold and wet splashing onto his shoes and soaking into his pants.
"Do you mind?" a voice drawled beside him. "I'm trying to do my turtle meditation."
Credence's gaze traveled downwards, dreading the horrors that awaited him in this magical madhouse.
There was Bellatrix, her lean figure curled in a ball that had been submerged in eight inches of water. Her wild hair fanned out in disarray, floating on the liquid contained within the kiddy pool, with only the faintest hint of a nose and eyebrows visible beneath the mass of raven colored locks.
She shot him a murderous look from her kiddy pool, a look which would have sent most people fleeing for their lives. But all Credence could do was stare at her, his mouth opening silently, struggling to speak. Seeing her had driven all forms of coherent thought from his mind, and he started to shake, a muscle twitching over his left eye as she continued to glare at him.
His instincts told him to run, to leave this place and its strange occupants before Bellatrix stood on her head and started doing some kind of bizarre terrapin tai chi. It wasn't until he heard a desperate sobbing from across the room that his senses returned with a jolt, a series of muttered apologies falling from his lips as he leapt out of the water.
He turned, stumbled once more and nearly knocked over a vase of flowers. Where on earth was that wretched moaning coming from? And why were they so upset? Was it because they were out of cheese cubes? Or did someone want to play in Bella's kiddy pool but she refused to let them take a turn? He supposed anything was possible in a place like this.
The answer came when he looked towards the doorway and saw Rodolphus sitting on the floor, his arms around Percival Graves' legs like a weeping two year old.
"Please," Rodolphus sobbed into the fabric of Graves' pants leg. He lifted a trembling hand, pawing at the buttons on the man's shirt. "Please, I'm so lonely. Bellatrix won't even speak to me anymore. She... She..." He broke off in midsentence, gasping and hiccuping. "She makes me sleep on the doormat like an animal!" he wailed, pausing to blow his nose on Graves' pants.
Graves sent the Death Eater sprawling with a swift kick to the chest. "Credence," he said, grinning and summoning a popsicle with a wave of his hand. The dark man arched an eyebrow, placing the popsicle between his lips and sucking lightly. "Welcome home," he murmured, his voice no more than a seductive purr. "Why not have some fun while you're here?"
"Credence!" a young lady chirped, and when Credence turned around he saw Leta Lestrange sitting in a chair by the fireplace, surrounded by a pack of jarveys that were clambering over her to get at the cheese on the buffet table. "It's so good to see you!" she said, ignoring the jarvey whose tail had wrapped around her face, making it look as though she'd grown a mustache.
"I like pooping cows!" shrieked one of the jarveys, its lips drawn back in a fierce snarl. "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! I fart in your general direction!" And with that the overgrown ferret lifted its tail and released a noxious cloud of gas. Leta responded by slapping it on the behind, which caused the jarvey to leap up, laughing and squealing in amusement, before falling from her shoulder and landing in a bowl of potato chips.
By now Credence had had his fill of the madness that surrounded him. He felt certain he didn't belong here, and that if he stayed any longer he was either going to scream or explode. And the last time he exploded it had cost him a perfectly good pair of pants. So it was best to leave now before things got out of hand.
He moved towards the doorway, hoping he could sidestep Graves and make a run for it before the perverse wizard caught him trying to flee the building. It was at that moment when a young Albus Dumbledore kicked the door down and barged into the room.
The professor marched across the room and seized Graves by the ear, twisting his earlobe as though he were a misbehaving child. "Gellert!" he roared, causing the wizard to cringe at the sound of his voice. "I can't leave you alone for five minutes without you running off and causing some sort of mischief. And now this." He motioned with his free hand towards Credence. "Trying to pick up little boys," he spat, a hint of jealousy in his tone.
"Um, excuse me, sir," Credence mumbled, his voice lost amongst the screeching jarveys. "I'm not a boy. I'm twenty-two."
"You don't satisfy me anymore!" Graves shouted, his disguise melting away to reveal a white haired wizard with a thin mustache. "And what are you doing if not chasing after the students in your class?" He glared at Dumbledore, his eyes burning with flames of betrayal. "I've seen the way you look at them, Albus. And all because they can bake a better batch of cupcakes than I can."
"Cupcakes?" squeaked Credence, the tremors increasing until all at once the frayed strings that had been holding together his sanity snapped, plunging his future offspring into a world of corruption and lunacy.
'Of course,' he thought, a trickle of saliva running from the corner of his mouth as he stared vacantly at the wall. 'This is my family. I belong here...with them.'
Credence walked towards the buffet table, past Rabastan who'd been watching Grindelwald's performance with one hand down his pants, and plopped down in an oversized tub of Cool Whip. He then began ladling fruit punch over his head, not knowing that his real family was closer than he thought.