Amycus Carrow and the Grilled Cheese

A/N: Written for my good friend Maisie Malfoy. Happy birthday, Maisie!

Of all the things Amycus liked to lick, cheese was his all time favorite. Especially swiss cheese. He liked to poke his tongue in all the holes, lubricating it with saliva and filling every orifice. Then one day he discovered grilled cheese, and everything changed.

He learned that Muggles enjoyed making sandwiches with something called grilled cheese. But how does one grill a cheese? Amycus knew how to charm his own cheese, but that was a different matter. And to the best of his knowledge, you can't charm a cheese to grill itself.

He tried asking his fellow Death Eaters for advice, but the majority of them had never heard of this strange delicacy. Not even Lucius, who considered himself a connoisseur of fine wine and good food. He did, however, offer Amycus a cereal wipe before suggesting he check with his wife's sister, Andromeda.

"If anyone knows a thing or two about such garbage, it'll be her," said Lucius. "That's where she found her husband, you know. In the rubbish bin outside of a place called McDonald's Duck, or whatever it was."

"And the cereal wipe?" Amycus asked, holding up the frilly cloth with his tongue.

"That's for if you change your mind and want to partake of some real food," Lucius said, hoping very much that his friend would abandon his search for the elusive grilled cheese. "No harm in having extras, just in case."

Amycus bid him farewell with a wave of his tongue and left in search of Andromeda. When he found her, she was in the middle of a backyard barbecue with her husband and his family.

The sight of this long tongued man startled many onlookers. It didn't help that Amycus was curious about the grill and wanted to lick it. Thankfully, Andromeda was used to this, and grabbed his tongue before he burned his taste buds on the hot grill.

"You don't know the first thing about grills, do you?" she said with a smile.

Amycus shook his head, then sucked his tongue back into his mouth. "That is why I'm here," he said, eyeing the grill with curiosity. "I'm hungry for a grilled cheese, but I'm unable to make one on my own. Not without some sort of Muggle device."

"Then you've come to the right place," said Andromeda. "Just have a seat and I'll teach you everything you need to know about grilled cheese."

.oOo.

When Maisie returned home that night, she discovered the living room was covered in melted cheese. It ran down the walls and dripped from the ceiling, with gooey bread crusts stuck to the furniture. And at the center of it all was Amycus, sitting in a spiderweb made from warm, gooey cheese.

"What's going on here?" Maisie asked, pausing in the doorway with her hands on her hips.

"Maisie, darling," said Amycus, his clothing covered in cheese and bits of bread crumbs. His wife shook her head and smiled. He looked like his sister on spaghetti night. "I was just visiting Andromeda for some assistance with a recipe."

"And I assume it was a success?" Maisie asked.

Amycus spread his arms wide, strings of cheese stretching from his fingertips. "It was a complete success. And now I have enough grilled cheese to last for days." He held up a soggy sandwich that had been thoroughly licked. "Care to join me in my web of glorious grilled cheese?"

Maisie nodded. "Of course, dear. Though we might have a difficult time scrubbing the cheese off the walls later."

The Death Eater lassoed his wife with his tongue, pulling her into the middle of his cheese web. "I've caught you," he purred. "Like a spider catches a fly."

Using his tongue, Amycus slathered his wife in melted cheese, starting with her hands and working his way up to her neck and chest. Globs of cheese clung to her hair like Christmas ornaments, her sleeves were pasted to her arms, and from time to time the Maisie laughed, his tongue tickling between her toes.

"Just because I'm covered in cheese doesn't mean I can't look sexy." Amycus curled his tongue around a lock of Maisie's hair, inserting it into his mouth and sucking on it. "And you, my lovely, you look magnificent."

The happy couple then had a very mushy cheese filled evening together, one that would be remembered for quite some time.