Would You Care For A Cereal Wipe?
Written for The Death Eater of the Month Challenge
Prompt: Pius Thicknesse
Written for The Bad Guy Challenge
Being the newly elected Minister of Magic wasn't all it was cracked up to be. In earlier times, before the second coming of Lord Voldemort, it would have been a position highly sought after by members of the wizarding community. But now that the Death Eaters were allowed to roam the halls without anyone giving them a passing glance, things were beginning to change.
At first it was subtle enough that it could usually be ignored, starting with Dolores Umbridge and the scent of cat urine wafting from her clothes. She also had copious amounts of cat hair clinging to her fluffy pink cardigan. Though as long as he kept a fair amount of distance between them, and periodically requested that Runcorn light some incense and wave it around her office during her days off, it wasn't that bad.
And then there was Yaxley. You could practically wring the grease out of his hair and clothing because the man ate fried chicken night and day. Which was quite a sight, because whenever he handed in a report to the newly elected Minister of Magic, the parchment was smudged with copious amounts of grease.
Thicknesse sighed heavily, taking the papers and waving him off. At least Yaxley wasn't shedding animal hairs throughout the building. But when it came time to make his first speech in front of the ministry employees, that was when things seriously went downhill.
The crowds parted as the Minister made his way down the corridor, flanked on either side by Umbridge and Yaxley, Runcorn following close behind. Thicknesse stopped in front of the grand fountain, turning on heel and clearing his throat. He caught a whiff of Umbridge's clothes and gagged.
"As your new Minister for Magic," he began, trying not to vomit from the smell of cat urine and chicken grease.
While he was talking, Yaxley serenely munched on some fried chicken while Umbridge continued to waft. As the Death Eater proceeded to chow down like a ravenous beast, pieces of chicken flew into the air. He honestly sounded like the Tasmanian devil, and Umbridge looked at him with disgust.
"I promise to restore this temple of tolerance to it's former glory," Thicknesse continued, flinching when a scrap of fried chicken went sailing through the air and struck him in the face. He glared at Yaxley, his hand twitching. "Do you mind?"
"Apologies, sir," Yaxley muttered, grease dripping from his fingers. "Won't happen again, I promise."
"Therefore, beginning today, each employee will submit themselves for evaluation." More twitching, his nostrils burning, eyes watering from the stench. "You have nothing to fear, if you have nothing to hide."
"Would you stop that?" Umbridge shouted, repeatedly whacking Yaxley over the head with her pink satin purse. "You're acting like a disgusting swine!"
"Me? Acting like a pig?" Yaxley said around a mouthful of fried chicken. "Well, at least I don't look like one, you great bloated hog."
Dear Merlin, was this really happening? Right here, in front of all these people?
The Minister rolled his eyes, holding his hands up in a placating gesture. "Miss Umbridge, Mr. Yaxley, please. I ask that you control yourselves."
But Umbridge refused to listen. She dove on top of Yaxley in a most unladylike fashion, wrestling with him an attempt to steal his bucket of fried chicken. The pair rolled across the floor of the atrium, grease soaking into the witch's cardigan, cat fur clinging to Yaxley's expensive robes, until finally the Death Eater broke free and made a run for it.
Umbridge continued to hit him with her purse as he ran, chasing him around and around in circles. It was all too much for Yaxley, who dove into the fountain to escape the wrath of Dolores. This resulted in a massive oil slick on the surface of the water, stretching from the point of contact where the Death Eater floated like an otter on his back, still nibbling his fried chicken.
"You want to come over here and get me?" Yaxley taunted, knowing full well that Umbridge had an aversion to water, much like the squadron of cats currently in her possession.
She paced alongside the edge of the fountain, and when Yaxley blew a raspberry in her general direction, Umbridge chucked her purse at him.
Clearly this wasn't the best way for Pius Thicknesse to begin his reign as Minister of Magic, watching as his senior undersecretary caused a scene in front of everyone in the ministry. There were puddles of grease all over the ceramic tiles, cat hair strewn across one end of the atrium to the other, and now Yaxley was laughing at Umbridge's frustration. Then from out of the crowd came the dignified form of Lucius Malfoy.
He approached the Minister, stepping over a greasy puddle and stopping beside the fountain. With the supreme grace of a ballerina, he held out a lightly moistened towelette, perfumed with the scent of lavender.
"Would you care for a cereal wipe?" Lucius asked, offering the cloth to the Minister. "It's the best way to abolish those unsightly stains on your clothes."
Thicknesse was still a moment, looking from the wipe in Malfoy's hand to the oily streaks that slithered down the front of his shirt. Yaxley nodded, the movement subtle, going unnoticed as the crown focused on the Minister, and Thicknesse accepted the wipe, using it to dab at the stains on his shirt.
"There's plenty more where that came from," Lucius crooned, and suddenly a wide grin spread across Yaxley's face. "Enough to clean the entire atrium if necessary, sir."
"Then that is what we will do," said the Minister, still twitching slightly as he struggled against the curse that was controlling him. He then turned to Umbridge and ordered her to take a bunch of cereal wipes and use them to scrub every inch of the atrium, so that not a single cat hair was visible.
Her jaw dropped, the plump witch staring at the minister in a state of abject horror. She tried to speak, her mouth opening and closing like a guppy. But all she managed was an indignant squeak.
"And when you've finished with your task," Thicknesse added, speaking slowly and calmly as though he were addressing an ignorant child, "do us all a favor and burn that dreadful cardigan. It smells positively atrocious, and I'll not have my senior undersecretary parading around with the stench of feline urine ripe on her clothes."
Lucius smirked, glancing over at Yaxley whose eyes were narrowed in concentration. He then waltzed over and whispered discreetly, "I say, you couldn't tell her to drown herself in the fountain, now could you?"
"No, that would be too obvious," Yaxley stated, smiling up at his fellow Death Eater. He then spent the rest of the morning floating in the fountain and eating fried chicken while Umbridge scrubbed the atrium with cereal wipes.