Hot tip, if you need to get out of a place and you're underground, or whatever it's called on a giant space station, going up is pretty much the only way to get out. I have to get to the Normandy before my clone takes control. While the ship is a state of the art research vessel, if ********* was able to easily sneak in…. I now realize how the irritating bastard got in. Still, getting inside the ship is one thing, if they can deactivate Edi, the damage could be irreparable and possibly kill her. As soon as my omnitool bleeps, indicating I have a signal, I order everyone to head over to Joker's rental. Just a little more and I find a hatch. Liara blasts it off for me.

Cortez runs up to me "I tried remotely locking the Normandy but they jammed the signal."

I ask him "can they get in?"

Cortez says "With enough time yeah. You have to get there five minutes ago."

Shit I have no time. I should have paid more attention to engineering class. I need people who know tech. ********* won't be any help. He can't phase us through doors and he lacks the coding skills to access any backdoors allowing us entry. Edi is a must. It's her real body afterall. Tali knows the ship better than anyone. Joker's car only has room for the four of us. "Edi, Tali, with me." I hop into the passenger seat. I sense a disturbance in the others.

I ask "What?"

Wrex whimpers "I wanted to go." I know now what his 20 kids are going to sound like.

Ashley responds "I know what you mean. I never seemed to get picked."

********* turns to her "You get picked alot at Virmire."

Ashley says "What?"

I inform my crew "Joker will come back for you I promise." My pilot lowers the… hood? Ceiling? Whatever the top part is called. The engine turns on. This rental has seen better days. It kicked hard when Joker pressed the ignition button which seems weird, we still call it that, this thing is electric.

Joker says "This is why I hate shore leave. I swear, you park the ship for five minutes…"

I ask him "can you contact Citadel flight control and get them to deny the departure request?"

Joker says "Tried. All the comm lines in the area are jammed… probably to make it easier for them to steal my ship!"

I assure him "we'll stop them."

Edi says "Shepard, your clone has entered the ship and is attempting to…" A weird garble of electric tones emanates from behind me. Is she having a seizure? Can robots have that? Edi hunches forward.

Tali comments "well this is awkward."

Edi springs back to life "I'm okay!" One of her eyes is lazy.

Joker takes his eyes of the road or whatever is in front of us for longer than I'd like to ask Edi "Really?"

Edi's other eye looks at her lazy one. She slightly tilts her head to fix it. If only it were that easy

Out of nowhere, I hear a way too casual for this situation "hey" originating from an exasperating compatriot. I scream which caused Joker to sway the skycar. I look up at *********'s severed head attached to the ceiling.

"*********?! The hell are you doing?"

He responds "You didn't think you could leave me behind, did you? I'm not leaving my best buddy to fight evil best buddy. I forgot where the Normandy is so I'm tagging along. Ah shit! Joker stop squirting me with wiper fluid."

Joker says "It does it automatically and out of my control."

Edi asks "why don't you just meet us at the Normandy with everyone else?"

********* answers "Because this way I earn James's respect and I need something to impress him since he won the pullup contest."

I grab his shirt and pull him inside "get the fuck in here I don't want Khalisah displaying your ass crack on the news."

********* scoots back and wiggles between the girls "so where we at mission wise?"

Edi says "The clone has disabled my control of the Normandy as well as all sensory input. I cannot lock her out or counteract her commands.

I calm her and Joker down "Don't worry, Edi. We'll get you back."

Edi thanks me.

Joker says "Well, whatever you do, hurry. If the Normandy gets to FTL, we may never see her again."

NO. ONE. TAKES. MY. HOME. "That is not going to happen."

Joker flies us to the docks "Okay, Citadel systems are targeting the car. Any closer, and they open fire. My pilot drops us off. He's going back to pick up the others, but then he makes a remark how they may have taken a cab already which would have been the smart move with how much time is on the clock.

It's a straight line to the Ship. CAT6 specialists block the way for now. Thankfully the maintenance crew left these crates around. They'll make the perfect cover. ********* pulls a sniper rifle out of his ass, popping the ones farthest away. Tali's drone provides a distraction for Edi and I to advance forwards. A heavy shield surprised me and I threw a grenade. The blast pushed him off the docks, falling to who knows where.

Shit they have drones. Disruptors. They, as you can guess, disrupt. I need bullets now. I switch to my pistol and pop their drones. Carefully not to accidentally kill Tali's beloved pet. I radio ********* to provide us cover fire for their snipers. They're the last. Tali and Edi assist. I run up the stairs, grab one from behind for a shield, shoot an entire heatsink into the other one then skewer my unconsenting protector's spine. We group up at the ship's main entrance. There is an airport-like hallway we have to run towards to get to the real door where we find a confused and angry looking specialist Traynor.

Traynor talks to herself "And I don't even… Wait, what?" She spots us turning the corner. "You were just on the Normandy. You… fired me! Dishonorable discharge for conduct unbecoming! You kicked me off the ship with barely enough time to grab my toothbrush!" she holds the gimmicky way overpriced white mass effect toothbrush in the air.

I say "That's a Cision Pro Mark 4. It used mass effect fields to break up plague and massage the gums."

Traynor says "Yes, I told you that."

I reply "And I remember because I'm the real Shepard."

Traynor turns around "And someone just threw me off the ship. If it wasn't you.."

Tali explains "A clone. Honestly when you serve on the Normandy long enough, you get used to things like this." *********'s girlfriend stop him from blasting the control panel of my ship.

I tell my specialist "I can explain later. For now…" I walk to the door. Please open. Red light. Crap. The security protocols will scrub everything on the ship if ********* dares to blow a whole in the side. Making the universe's largest brick. Shit. Need another way in. There is an emergency exit hatch underneath the floor. Is there a way? Let me pop the panel off.

I say to myself "manual lock and only meant to be open from the other side. Any ideas?"

Edi says "Triggering it would require extremely precise mass effect field manipulation."

I hear a distinct low bitch whorl noise. My head spins around. Traynor holds her prized toothbrush. That'll work. I'll have to be careful. There isn't a whole lot of wiggle room and for a 6000 credit toothbrush, the plastic neck is not very strong. Seriously for that price it better come studded with diamonds. Yes! We have access.

The four of us head in. The space is so small, even a keeper would have to hunch forwards. I distract myself from the backaches. "If you told me this morning a toothbrush was going to save the Normandy, I'd have been very skeptical." Whoa, the ship is moving. I grab onto the metal rails to support myself. That isn't good. Up ahead is galactic map room. I've always wondered what was under there. Alot of dust, stray hairs, a few too many snacks that fell through the cracks. I should make ********* clean this when we're finished. "Pretty sure we broke Traynor's toothbrush getting the hatch open. Remind me to reimburse her for that."

Tali says "Hey, Shepard? Reimburse Traynor for her toothbrush." Great, now she sounds like *********, who says he'll make a replacement when we're done.

I tell him "quiet. We can't risk them hearing us up top."

"Sorry" he said.

I eavesdrop on guards. They mention my brother from a test tube mother knows we're here somewhere, and how they are cannon folder for us. How right he is. Up ahead is the stair access panel. Before I go in, I count through the metal cracks 6 guards. I pull out my last two remaining grenades, displaying them to the squad. I count down with my finger, 3… 2… 1. I throw the grenades and run to the safest place I can find. ********* grabs a merc's ankle and used his body to swat the other like a baseball, then stabs another one in the neck. Tali is able to handle herself. Oh great another heavy with a shield. These guys are annoying. Luckily for me, this guy holds it to close to his chest, exposing his toenails for a trim. I shot the little piggy. Now the big bad wolf is huffing and buffing. He can smoke lead. A few more guards rush in. One of them injures Edi's arm. Maybe it wasn't the greatest idea bringing her along.

When the smoke clears, I look her over. I forget she isn't human and almost gave her medigel. Oh, Joker is going to be pissed. Edi says "It is strange moving through the Normandy without the sensory access or control. I feel… blind." I rub some dirt in her wound.

"Let's get to the cargo bay." I said. Wait a minute, What is that in the trash next to the elevator? There is a note.

Please send this to an animal shelter for proper disposal as a warship is not an appropriate "Ah that is not okay!"

We haul into the elevator. Edi is more upset than I am "These people are showing disrespect to my home… my body. It is… unacceptable."

I ask her "Do you want to talk about it?"

Edi say "I intend to kill Shepard's clone. Agent Brooks, and anyone else in my way."

I'm going to hang out around ********* for now.

Time for action. The moment the doors break, I roll out and find cover. I don't see anyone, but I know we aren't alone. If I were me, which I am, I'd be on higher ground. I see my clone didn't inherit my tactical smarts, but he is wearing my uniform. It's like an out of body experience. "Well, that's creepy."

My clone rapid fires and ducks for cover. "You want to stop shooting up my ship?"

The arrogance of this guy!

I tell him "It's not your ship."

My clones says "It will be! I've taken your name, your Spectre rank, even your fingerprints!"

I remind him "And then you left me to die… only I didn't. You think fake fingerprints are going to fool the Council? Or Hackett?" How's that big plan looking now?" My clone thinks he can get the best of me and tries to slice my head off. My omnitool blade blocks his. Brooks comes out of nowhere saying "Hatchet squad to the shuttle bay!"

My clone is heavily armored and even more CAT6 guys appear. I'm out of grenades and wish we had biotics. Screw it! I don't need toys. I focus on eliminating the mercs. Normally I'd move around the battlefield, but I don't want my team accidentally shooting me. I'm able to slip in and out of some places to confuse the mercs, but I have to be careful to avoid Brooks or my clone.

The jammer must have stopped. James radios "Hey, you copy?"

I reply "Here. You cut through the jamming?"

Liara answers "we did. It was heavily fortified, but we got through and disabled their tech."

My clone! I shoot him. Why isn't he going down? Is he hogging all the medigel? How many bullets does it take to kill me?

Cortez's voice fills my ear "Commander, the Normandy's prepping for a jump to FTL. Can you get to the cockpit? Like soon?"

I dodge a grenade.

Cortez says "Moving in Commander!"

What are those idiots doing? The angle needed for a skycar to block the ship's course plotting puts him directly in the line of fire. I just have to hope the ship's defenses weren't designed for something so small and maneuverable. Oh just my luck, the cargo bay doors open and a shuttle leaves for Cortez. What is this guy thinking? Leaving the cargo doors open? Just asking for trouble.

All that is left is Brooks and my clone. This is personal. I go after my clone. He's getting desperate, claiming he's Shepard.

I insult him with words that would tear up my soul "Are you kidding me? Conrad Verner is better at being me than you are!"

My clone rapid fires all the remaining ammo he has. Rookie mistake. Letting anger get the best of you. Now is my chance. I lunge forwards. Mother fucker! We roll down the cargo bay doors. Shit! I do not want to die becoming a pancake. Thank god we stopped rolling just before the edge. I get on top of him, but he kicks me off. Before I know it, I'm tangling off my ship at 100 mph. Turbulence causes the clone to fall off as well. My imposter is two feet away from me. Another gust of wind sends us flying into the cargo bay. How in physics does that even happen?

My clone, holding his broken arm, slowly stands up, then falls to his knees "Look at you. What makes you so damned special? Why you and not me?"

Edi, Tali, and ********* runs towards us "hang on!" I look at my clone and see… sadness in his eyes. Brooks abandons him. I feel sorry for this bastard.

Edi asks "and the clone?" I can't just leave him.

I kneel down to him "Here, take my hand."

He asks "and then?"

"And then you live!"

"For what?" My clone swallows his pistol, committing suicide. Seeing myself, kill myself, is a whole new level of trauma I do not need.

Tali rubs my arm "Sorry Shepard."

I'll process later. Our team runs to the back of the cargo bay, hitting the big red emergency switch, and closes the door. WOW! I now just noticed the adrenaline rush. God this is intense. We're not done. I still need to take control of the ship and find Brooks. Edi says if we can get her to the core room, she'll be able to connect and take control back. ********* will arrest the mercenary pirating my ship.

Once Edi takes control, I ask her to radio Cortez to fly into the Normandy. I head back down. Oh man I am so going to have to pay for Joker's car. It has a huge dent in the side with twisted melted metal and scorch marks.

I ask "what happened?"

Joker explains "A shuttle was chasing us. We had no choice and I made a little nudge to crash him into the side of an office building. Sorry for the bill Commander."

God I am getting a super migraine right now. Traynor's toothbrush, a new shuttle, building repair, Joker's luxury skycar, I guess my clone's funeral. The party. The booze I'm going to drink at the party to forget the skyhigh repair bill.

I ask "is there anything else needing replacing?"

Cortez says "fortunately, there weren't here for too long enough to do much real damage." Not counting the bullet holes in the galactic map room. "Although I may need some help from James cleaning up the damage to the shuttle bay."

Joker says "Plus they overloaded the heat diffusion system firing at us. Not sure if you noticed but shuttle guy did some crazy stunt-flying to keep us in one piece."

Cortez responds "It's nice to fly something a little more maneuverable than the Kodiak."

Edi comes into view. I ask her how she is doing.

Edi says "I am once again in control of the Normandy. Thank you for asking."

I tell her "Glad to hear it. What about the Mercs? Any survivors?"

Joker says "Just one crappy-ass pilot and her.(********* delivers a handcuffed Brooks) Alliance is taking her to a high-security facility. Maybe she can give them some dirt on Kai."

Brooks, way to eager to help says "I'll be more than happy to cooperate with the authorities." I know that tone of voice. She is planning something.

I address her "Maya, I know that voice."

"Do you really?" does she think this is a game?

I get up close to her "you're getting a chance to redeem yourself. Don't waste it."

********* says "yeah. Make the ozzies spin real fast and loving and you'll have a good chance ending up somewhere decent."

Brooks laughs "so serious. Admit it. Some part of you like having me around. Looking up to the legend. We had some laughs. And who knows? Maybe we'll have more someday. You know you'll miss me." Brooks escapes from her cuffs, steals *********'s pistol from his holster, pressing the barrel against his head. ********* looks unphased.

Brooks orders "nobody move or I'll send him to hell."

********* replies "I do have a throne to claim."

We surround Brooks. There is no way she is getting out of this. Everyone in the room aims for her. Our fingers itching for an excuse to put her down.

Brooks tries to get us to back down "everyone lower your weapons. Now!"

********* twists his head towards her "He really didn't tell you about me. Did he?"

Brooks says "You are no one of importance. Just some stray lamb following the Shepard." I hate those herding jokes. They were overused since I was in middle school.

********* says "you should really let me go. For your own sake."

Brooks jokingly asks "Yeah? Why's that?"

********* says "Because it is the right thing to do."

Brooks says "that's so cute. You think that will work on me."

********* says "Ok I see you don't have a better nature, so I'll apply to your own self-interest. It's how I get ahead with a lot of people. Think this through. We killed Saren, loads of geth, a couple of Reapers, and loads more enemies. You're not getting out of this. Lower the gun, do your time and maybe you can have a happy ending after your lengthy prison sentence. It will be a small speck of your eternal existence."

Brooks sarcastically suggests "Yeah, and you'll be my knight in shining armor to take me away once I get out of whatever cesspool of a prison the Alliance sends me to. I don't believe in fairy tales. It doesn't matter how hot you are. You won't convince me. Shame we couldn't be together. I would have been a much better woman than that suitrat you're currently with." *********'s face is turning red. Literally red. She is so dead.

********* screams "DROP THE GUN NOW!"

Brooks says "I'm not going-"

******** shouts "I gave you an order and you will follow it to the letter, with all the consonants and all the vowels. The A EO I FUCK YOU UP!"

I warn her "you really want to do what he says."

Brooks replies "Get me a shuttle or it's nights out for him."

********* shakes his head, giving up "I gave her three chances. WREX! What did I tell you about pointing a gun at me?"

Wrex asks "What?"

********* says "remember Virmire?"

He so planned this.

Wrex asks "do you think your bullet proof?"

********* says "I don't need to be."

It clicks for Wrex, his mammoth pistol stronger than a desert eagle .50 cal fires a projectile which doesn't harm me because of my American bloodline, and molecular oscillation synchronization permitting the bullet a straight path through me into Brook's aorta. She gasps. My ear is painted red and warmed by the blood running down her tip. She lies on the ground, choking on her own fluids. Oh, that looks like it really hurts. I gave her multiple chances, first a positive choice, weird how so many people hate picking that option, then neutral by appealing to her intelligent side, lastly motivation by fear, which I hate but after her calling my love a suitrat, any empathy I had was spent. She just kept digging negative channels, and by the looks of her energy, wherever she is going, she has a lot of work to do if she wants to get out. I'll be merciful. I knee down to her and say

"Hey. You made a lot of bad choices in your life. Woven a lot of bad canals in your soul. You're probably not going anywhere good. Hey hey hey, Don't worry. It won't last forever. Here is a secret. You have the keys. All you have to do is work towards rising up by becoming a good person and you'll appear in a better place. It's that simple."

Brook's inner light, no matter how dim it is, fades away.

Shepard holsters his gun "There is never a dull moment with you. Hey *********, why didn't you respond to my telepathic message?"

********* slaps his forehead "I thought I heard you. Shepard you should have raised for vibrations to better match my frequency. It was incoherent to me."

Shepard yells "You lied to me. You told me you never outright lie!"

Pretend to be appalled "I didn't lie. What are you accusing me of lying about?"

Shepard says "I asked you if this happened in your game and you said no."

I best explain the situation "No. You asked if this happened in the main game. All this was DLC and I warned you about this. Remember?"

Shepard shouts "When the hell did you warn me?"

I remind him "Back on Omega, we thought there might have been another me which turned out to be future me saving Garrus's old team. You froze up like a deer in headlights and to snap you out of it, I told you the only one fighting their evil twin is you. It's not my fault you didn't listen."

Shepard pulls out his hair "That was before I knew what you were. You cannot expect me to memorize every conversation I've ever had with you!"

Hehehe "I don't, which is why it's so funny this finally happens!" I love it when past *********'s actions finally bear fruits. I find this so hilarious. my cheeks close my eyelids.

Shepard squints his eyes, his vibe changes "you know what?"

Something cold and hard presses into my ear. The lines of my smile disappear. I stop laughing.

BANG!

Tali screams "*********!"

James screams "Duh FUCK!'

Cortez shouts "you just killed him!"

Shepard nods his head "give him a minute. He's not that easy to get rid of."

I respawn with a new body. I'm so upset I left my corpse on the floor "I can't believe you killed me!"

James screams "Holy hell!"

Shepard says "you'll live."

I'm not even mad "...Ok I'll give you that one but warn a guy next time. Sudden transitions into the astral plane leaves a guy disoriented."

Mordin arrives at the scene. He slowly examines Brook's, the clone's, and finally my dead corpse. "Shepard finally killed *********. I expected more patience from the Commander."

Garrus asks Mordin "you were here the whole time? Why didn't you come out sooner?"

Mordin says "I consumed all my beverages and came to acquire additional tea bags from storage. This is the second strangest pile of bodies I've walked into."

I ask "Second? What was the first?"

Mordin says "STG intel classified. What has occurred?"

Shepard explains "Cerberus cloned me and he tried to take over my life. ********* knew but never said anything. Finally snapped and shot him."

I sarcastically ask him "feel better?"

Shepard smirks "yes it was cathartic. Mordin you were here the whole time and didn't hear a thing? What were you doing?"

Mordin states "Emulating vocalizations of mercurian Freddy. Interestingly, my projections were two weeks behind. I was hoping to use the credits to buy my nephew a present."

Shepard asks "what credits?"

I said "we had a pool going when you would finally retaliate against my shenanigans. I had next week. Who had this week?"

Edi says "the winner is Grunt who I expect will be using the money to replace the police officer's car."

Shepard curses "shit. Another bill."

"Honestly, I'm surprised he hasn't done this sooner. I can be very intolerable."

James looks me over, scanning up and down "how are you not dead?"

Cortez looks like he saw a ghost for the first time "why is there… how?!"

I put on my special indoor sunglasses, erase my dead body, and administered an eye exam. Flash both of them.

"Gentlemen, what you were exposed to was a therapeutic instrument to bury any traumatizing memories and replace them with better ones. James, you were curious and asked Cortez and Kaiden what swagger daggers tasted like. Things got to talking, everyone was drunk and the three of you shared a very special night. It was a good learning experience, but you decided it was not for you. There are no regrets, and this will be a fond memory. Right Kaiden?"

My favorite gay pot smoker twinkles and gives me the thumbs up.

I turn to Shepard "See pal, this is how you are supposed to be bouncing off my craziness. You work with me. See the fun we're having?"

Wrex "So this is the craziness I missed out on. Hey, did anyone else get the feeling we were saying stuff we otherwise normally wouldn't"

Ashley replies "Yeah. I felt strangely giddy."

Garrus asks Javik "was there a gas leak or something in the apartment?"

He answers "No, but the luminous one is acting impatient."

I confess "Sorry guys I didn't mean to. Sometimes when I am really happy, it rubs off and can affect others. I try my best not to. It's just I'm really excited for what is happening tonight. Sweetheart, can we head back to the apartment now? Pleasepleaseplease?"

Tali asks "wouldn't you rather go to your condo?"

"Can't. Sold it to Valern's cousin a long time ago. I wasn't using it. We can go to the apartment."

Tali asks "Isn't it a bit inconsiderate to do what I have planned to do in his living quarters."

"I don't give a damn about his opinions anymore. He shot that part of my brain out. Let's go girl."

"Happily, my cherished."