Chapter 73: Treatment

I returned to camp in a somewhat relaxed mood. I could tell my failure was still eating at the back of my mind, but it wasn't pressing. I no longer felt the need to punish myself or strike down a rogue. The feeling would be back. I knew it would, but for now I could ignore it. Cinderpaw's advice was sound, so I decided to check in with her to get the rest of it.

Cinderpaw had been patiently awaiting my return. She greeted me with a pleasant mew. "Felling better?"

"Much." Was my response.

"How about the source? Can you feel it building back up?" She queried.

"Unfortunately." I responded with a soft hiss, accidentally making my frustration known.

She consoled me with careful words. "Then we still need to address the problem. The first step is to speak of the problem."

"I'm sure near every cat in camp heard about what I said. You already know." I growled.

"Yes, but I want to hear you tell me what your problem is. There are many things lost in a retelling. Often the real problem is not what one thinks it is. I thought my problem was the opportunities lost when I lost my leg, but that wasn't it. My real problem was my sense of self-worth. It wasn't what I couldn't do, but rather how I saw my own potential and usefulness. I'm better now since I realized I can still be useful and that I'm not replaceable. Now, are you willing to tell me what you believe your problem is?" She explained.

"The rogues that got into camp were my fault. My patrol schedule did not catch them, which meant they were able to attack us. It is my job to keep the clan safe. I am the one who has to protect everyone. We were lucky we got away without a casualty, but maybe next time we won't be so lucky. I failed and there is nothing that can be done to change that." I ranted.

Cinderpaw nodded along to my rant and seemed to ponder it for a few moments before speaking up. "I think I have an idea on what your real problem is?"

"Then enlighten me what you could know that I could not." I growled at her.

Cinderpaw gestured for me to sit and take a moment to breathe before speaking. "You are under an unbelievable amount of pressure from your responsibilities. You've taken it upon yourself to be Thunderclan's sole protector, meticulously planning our patrol schedules, working with mentors, teaching your own apprentice, and maintaining a social life. You've done everything possible to protect Thunderclan on your own. There in lies the problem. Your problem is not so much that you failed. It is that there was no one there to catch it when you did. You feel solely responsible because there is no one else sharing the responsibility. There's a reason a clan has a deputy and a leader, and it isn't because the deputy is the leader replacement. You never should have had to bear that burden alone." Cinderpaw stated.

"But I had Whitestorm and Lionheart aiding me in planning patrols." I argued.

"But responsibility was solely on you. They would bear no punishment from mismanagement since ultimately they were just advisors to you." She replied, curtailing my argument. "That's why we're going to speak to Bluestar and Fireheart." She commanded.

I was somewhat at a loss for words. I couldn't counter her argument no matter how much I wanted to. My mouth just hung loosely open awaiting the words I'd never find before she guided me out. She led me to Bluestar's den where Fireheart appeared to be making an end of day report to Bluestar. Fireheart spotted Cinderpaw and I quickly.

"Cinderpaw, what are you doing here?" He mewed with concern.

"Sit. We have much to discuss, primarily the duties of a deputy and leader." She commanded with the full authority of a medicine cat.

"I don't see why that needs to be discussed with a medicine cat." Bluestar argued before being shut down by a fearsome stare from Cinderpaw.

"Are you two aware of how much responsibility you've placed upon Smudgefoot?" Cinderpaw questioned.

"Not much more than could be expected of a deputy." Bluestar answered.

"Really? I could have sworn Tigerclaw always had your ear when it came to planning patrols and managing the camp. You always had some say in what happens. Now though, when was the last time you ordered something or planned a patrol?" Cinderpaw countered.

"Well, I didn't need to. Smudgefoot could do it just fine on his own." Bluestar answered confidently.

"I really don't like how you've been attacking Bluestar." Fireheart began to mew before Cinderpaw cut him off.

"Quiet! You are just as much to blame as her. Are you aware as to what happened earlier today regarding Smudgefoot?" Cinderpaw ordered.

"He just had a tantrum, nothing serious." Fireheart attempted to deflect.

"Incorrect! He had a stress breakdown. He's been maintaining the camp on his own, planning patrols and organizing our cats, and he's done a good job too. Our clan is happy and feels confident at the cost of Smudgefoot's mental welfare. We are in one of the most tumultuous times our clan has ever seen and he is somehow keeping us not only alive but thriving. This of course comes at a cost. Every mistake reflects onto him. We countered the raid with a resounding success, but its sheer existence calls into question his efforts to keep us safe. This is not his fault. How is he supposed to protect the clan and fulfill every duty of leadership when he is the only one doing it? Where were you? Why is one cat alone asked to protect us all when it is your job to help him? You've not only failed Smudgefoot but the rest of the clan as well. If something doesn't change, you are going to break him, and then there will be no one to protect us." Cinderpaw hissed making Bluestar actually balk.

"Cinderpaw, I don't think–" I began before she shushed me.

"No. You are the victim here. Don't try to argue. They should have known better, but they were so caught up in preparing Fireheart to lead that they haven't been leading. You have been hurting because of them, and now it is their job to fix it. Official medicine cat orders. Smudgefoot will be taking some time off to recuperate. Do you understand?" She commanded in a cold tone.

Fireheart wilted under her gaze. "Yep. Got it." He mewed quickly before looking at me. His eyes were wet as if on the edge of spilling over. "I'm so sorry Smudgefoot. You needed me and I didn't see it. I failed as the deputy, but more importantly, I failed as your friend. I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you."

Bluestar spoke next in that cool and collected tone she carried so well, but her fur was slightly ruffled giving away her own unease at her failure. "I do believe I owe you an apology as well. As you know, I've come to respect you and trust your judgement Smudgefoot. When I see you, I see a cat as capable as myself, but that does not excuse what I did. Even I require aid in leading the clan. I am not infallible, so I should have never expected you to be. From now on I want you to check in with me and Fireheart about patrol schedules, training, and whatever else you think could use more than one cat. One of us may see what the other did not. As for Cinderpaw's order that you receive time off… I will grant it. It is time for Fireheart and I to see what you have done alone."

I wanted to say something, but no words would come forth. I was emotionally drained. Instead, I just left. I returned to the warriors den where Ravenfeather patiently waited for me. He looked at my with such concern.

"You don't have to tell me anything, but I will always be here for you." He whispered to me as I let the exhaustion take me. The blissful black of sleep greeted me warmly as everything else faded out.