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Having something to look forward to made the next week go by quickly, but not without its difficulties. She had yet to tell anyone else the news, and she had managed to placate Paris enough during every daily phone call to keep her from blazing into to Stars Hollow to check on Rory. She knew it would be obvious at some point that she is no longer pregnant, but she could not shake the desire to keep it to herself for as long as possible. She would sob through her pain at night, curled up in her childhood bedroom and clutching either a stuffed animal or her stomach, and plaster on her mask of normalcy during the day.
She drove to Brooklyn and parked near the address Jess gave her for his apartment. Like a skilled New Yorker, she easily found its secluded entrance and pressed his buzzer. He let her in and she took the three flights of stairs up to his home. He didn't lie - he certainly lived in a gritty part of Brooklyn. And this made her smile because it's beautiful to see people stay true to themselves, especially him; possibly the most genuine person she knows. To her surprise, he is waiting for her at his apartment door. She gives him a broad smile.
"Don't tell me you had no faith in me."
"Well, I've seen you send someone in the complete opposite direction in New York before. Just wanted to save us some time." He smirks and she rolls her eyes. As she approaches him, she opens her arms and they share a strong hug. She can tell he is a gym-body nowadays based on his grip on her back, around her waist; god what she would do to feel those hands and arms all over her. Still has to be the hormones, right? They separate and she is blushing, but adult Jess is kind enough not to call her out on it. He moves to the side and motions for her to enter his place.
It's a decent sized apartment, fit for a bachelor (she secretly hopes). He has a bookcase and tv stand in the living room overflowing with novels. A coffee table covered in what she assumes is manuscripts, she sees some newspapers and music magazines spread around as well. It's exactly what she pictured and this puts a satisfied smile on her face. He leads her to the kitchen and hands her a bottle of water.
"I would have made coffee but I know you'll drink enough of it today."
"Good thinking, keep my palate pure."
He bites back a dirty response, "What do you think? Not too bad for a starving artist, huh?" He gestures around the apartment.
"This place is great Jess and so you. And, you're hardly starving. Luke brags about you, I know how successful you are."
He almost blushes but ignores the second part of her statement, "So me? Understated and old? Unkempt and disorganized?"
She laughs, "Stop, you know what I mean. Though this place does look like it's fit for a loner…"
He squints his eyes at her, "Are you fishing for information?"
Her cheeks grow red and she shakes her head, "Nope. I'm jus making an assessment."
He smirks, "You wanna know if I'm dating someone."
She scoffs, "I do not! That's none of my business."
"You're right, it is none of your business." He states, quelling the smirk on his face to antagonize her. She crosses her arms over her chest.
"So we're in agreement. I don't care if you're dating someone or not."
"No, we're in agreement that it's none of your business. You clearly do care. You're practically pouting in petulance."
She rolls her eyes and drops her arms to her side but doesn't respond.
"You know, if I were to be asked a direct question, I could be compelled to answer it," he's smirking again and she sighs.
"Is there anyone that thinks they're in a monogamous relationship with you?"
Jess looks at her curiously, "No. And there's no one that thinks they are in a polyamorous relationship with me, if that's your next question."
She nods and tries to hide her satisfied grin, "Good to know. Anyway, back to your apartment, I can just see you getting inspired in the middle of the night and writing in here."
He grins and shakes his head, but allows the subject change.
"I actually have an office. Come here." He leads her down a hallway with three doors.
"A perk of living in this part of Brooklyn is the cool old buildings. And you get more space. The no elevator thing does suck sometimes though." He opens the door on their right and she walks into a small room with a heavy looking desk, a laptop, and manuscripts stacked on the floor. There are two bookshelves that frame his work area, and a window just behind. Everything looks sturdy and well made, possibly even antique. He has a gold lamp on his desk. The familiarity of it all hits her suddenly and she chokes back tears.
"Wow, this reminds me of my grandpa's study."
Jess smiles softly, his fingers graze her shoulder to give a reassuring squeeze.
"Minus the Rory portrait of course," he jokes and it makes her smile, "though I have considered having one made. I was thinking you in a cheerleading outfit, pom poms and everything. So you can always be over my shoulder cheering me on." The thought leaves a soft smile on her face, but it quickly turns playful.
"You sure you don't mean turning you on? I know you loved my school uniform back in the day." She blushes as she's saying it but she stands firmly looking at him.
He smirks, "that would be a fringe benefit."
She wants to kiss the smirk right off his face but she can only imagine it all going wrong.
She turns from his gaze and checks her watch, "We better catch the subway, gotta make our first coffee stop."
"It's always coffee first with you Gilmores."
The day goes fast, and Rory feels lighter than she has in a while. They didn't get into any personal discussion, sticking to books, music and of course coffee. Jess insists she have dinner with him, so they order take out and sit in his apartment together talking about the places they toured.
"I'm glad we fit so many places into one day. I wish rent was cheaper though."
"You could always live with me."
"What?! You only have one bedroom!" She squeals, looking startled. He smirks.
"Kidding. Just like to see how quickly you can work yourself up sometimes."
She rolls her eyes, "Wanna see how fast I can smack you upside the head?"
"You have no idea how much." His incorrigible grin is contagious, she finds herself laughing and giving him a light smack on the arm.
"I liked the first and second to last place the most."
"Not the first. The landlord reminded me too much of Taylor. You would never be able to play music, or do anything other than sit quietly in your apartment without having the police called on you."
"Good point, so the second to last place. Of course they require the most money upfront. I would have to use my trust fund."
"Or," Jess begins, tilting his head towards her for emphasis, "you could ask the people who care about you the most for some help. I'll give you a hint: both their names start with L."
Rory shakes her head sternly, "No, I can do this on my own. It's no big deal. My grandparents gave me a trust fund for a reason."
Jess eyes her, "Okay, what if I help you?" She lifts her hand as if she's going to smack him, he laughs but says "No, this time it's not a joke. You can pay me back at some point if you want to. Or you can take it as a 'welcome to the neighborhood' gift. I'm doing well, you know."
"I know Mr. Hot Shot author and editor, partner at an independent publishing company!" she smiles and nudges him, however it quickly turns to a frown as her shoulders slump, "you are doing so well. And I'm not."
"You're doing fine, Rory. And you'll be even better if you just let one of us help you."
"Jess, I appreciate it. But I can't take help from you. Or mom or Luke."
"Why not? It's not like you're asking for bail money, you need a place to live."
"I don't want help. You have already done enough for me and I've already put enough on mom and Luke."
"All these vague allusions," he mutters, "And I'm sure they don't feel that way."
"Vague allusions?"
Jess sighs, "You mentioning you could use a friend, you 'putting too much' on Luke and Lorelai and…" he stops himself, unsure if he should go on. She gives him a look like he has no other choice.
"Luke may have called me yesterday. To make sure I 'take care' of you."
"Uncle Luke, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Jess answers his phone, sitting at the desk in his home office.
"Can you just call me Luke dammit? You're in your thirties for crying out loud!" Luke exclaims, causing Jess to smirk. "And nothing…just, you know, checking in."
Jess leans forward in his chair and rests his head on a fist, "Uh huh. Well your timing is convenient."
"Oh yeah, why's that?" Luke grumbles.
"I'm sure you know that I'm spending the day with a certain blue eyed brunette tomorrow."
Luke sighs, "Okay good. You will be there. She didn't confirm whether or not you two were getting together."
"Sorry, you're relieved that I'm going to be with her? Not the direction I thought this phone call would take."
"Of course I'm relieved, New York is a scary place Jess!"
"You're right, and about to get much scarier once Trump takes office. But I'm not sure how that affects you all the way in Stars Hollow. The freaks will only go as far as the subway takes them."
"Jess, I'm worried about Rory. Lorelai is too. But we don't want to suffocate her, well I don't. Lorelai is trying to. I have had to talk her out of camping out in Rory's car overnight at least six times today. As if Rory wouldn't just kick her out in the morning."
"You ever think about putting that woman on a leash?"
"Don't be a smart ass. Listen, I'm calling to ask…to make sure that you take care of her. Please. I love Rory but even as an adult she's still a little…naïve."
Jess doesn't say anything; he knows she is, it's one of his favorite things about her.
"I'm afraid she's not going to notice if an apartment building is unsafe, or the neighborhood it's in. And she shouldn't pick a place where she has to walk up too many steps, that's going to get harder when…" Luke pauses, catching himself, "well it's going to get old at some point and then she's miserable and stuck in a lease for god knows how long. And she's never rented a place on her own before, I don't want some sleazeball taking advantage of that fact and asking for something ludicrous up front. Or worse, propositioning her."
Jess has to suppress a laugh at his Uncle's over dramatics.
"She's a big girl, Luke. She traveled the country on a political campaign, you don't think she's met weirdos? Or been in difficult situations? A woman as beautiful and innocent looking as her, I'm sure she has."
"Oh god, don't say that please."
"It doesn't make it any less true. I mean, Florida's a swing state and they have all kinds of weird going on down there. I'm sure she's got some experience."
"Jess -"
"But," Jess interrupts him, "of course I'll look out for her. I know the area better than her, I will make sure she doesn't move into anything or near anything resembling a crack den."
"Good. We don't need a repeat of the off campus New Haven apartment. I never saw the place, but Lorelai's descriptions made that place I found you living on the floor in years ago look good."
"Hey, say what you will about that place but at least it didn't have cockroaches or rodents."
"Probably because there wasn't any room for them! Anyway, thank you. She needs all the help she can get right now, and she's being real stubborn about taking it. Guess where she gets that from."
Jess would laugh but he's too interested in something else.
"What do you mean she needs all the help she can get?"
"I just mean…she's in a weird place. Financially, emotionally, all that crap. Jess, I gotta get back to the diner. Please keep Rory safe. And if she finds a place she likes, and that you agree is okay for her to move in to, can you maybe suggest to her that Lorelai and I would be happy to help with paying for it?"
Jess sighs, "I'll try, but if she starts to bite, I'm backing off."
"Fine. Call me tomorrow, let me know how it goes. After she leaves of course. And do I need to say not to mention this call to her?"
"Darn, I was going to call her and gab as soon as we hung up. Good thing you said something."
"Alright, I get it. And Jess, watch yourself too. She is beautiful and innocent looking, as you said, but…I don't doubt that she could do some damage, if she hasn't already. I know firsthand what a Gilmore woman is capable of."
Jess is quiet, thinking about the past, and simultaneously grateful that it's not just everyone against him anymore when it comes to him and Rory.
"Okay. Bye Uncle Luke." He hears him grunt in response as he hangs up the phone. He wants to be offended that Luke would even think he needed to call Jess about any of that, but he's preoccupied with the various scenarios running through his head of what's going on with Rory. He tells himself if he is patient, she will come to him. And he keeps telling himself that over and over to keep the made up scenarios from getting worse.
Her face gets hot, "Take care of me? What's that supposed to mean?"
"I don't know, care to fill in the blanks? He said you're going through a lot right now and need all the help you can get."
She puts her head in her hands, muttering curse words and then bursts with, "I'm not a charity case! I'm an independent 32 year old woman! I can get myself an apartment!"
Of course she is mostly frustrated with herself. She is holding back an important truth from people that love her. She doesn't deserve the kindness, but she can't explain all that to Jess.
He is taken aback by her volume, but he places a hand on her shoulder.
"Hey, hey. I know you are. I'm sorry I brought it up. But look…Rory, is everything okay? Are you okay?"
He ducks to look into her eyes, and she can't lie to him when he looks at her like that (or any other time for that matter) so she doesn't.
"I'm not ready to talk about it."
Jess holds her stare. He nods and shrugs.
"Okay. I'm here if you change your mind."
She puts her hand on his, "I know. I appreciate it. I should go, I'll call the bank on my way home to see if I can start moving money around."
"You sure? I may only have one bedroom, but I do have a comfortable couch, and I don't mind sleeping on it. You should stay. Take my bed."
She dances her fingers on the table as she thinks about it. But ultimately she doesn't trust her emotions around Jess right now, and decides it's safest to go home.
"That's okay. Thank you. I don't mind the drive."
"You sure? It's dark already. Which means Luke would probably call me when you get home to yell at me for letting you leave so late. Be great if you could spare me the teenage flashback."
She laughs, "it's not late, it's just November. Dark by 5pm. I'll be fine, and I'll keep you updated on the apartment, neighbor." She stands up putting on her coat and grabbing her purse. She gives Jess a quick hug and he walks her to the door. As she's walking out Jess asks, "how's the book coming, by the way?"
She hasn't looked at it since the day before the miscarriage. She found the prospect of sitting down to write about her life excruciatingly daunting; she hopes this goes away and she can get back to it. If not for her then at least for Jess who is probably more excited than she is about it at this point. But again she can't lie to him so what can she say?
"Oh um I've hit some writer's block actually."
He cocks his head and nods, "Well I read the chapters you sent me a couple of weeks ago. You're already up to High School if I remember correctly. Maybe visit Chilton. Or Paris, I'm sure she can kindle some old emotions and memories, pleasant or not."
She nods, "Not a bad idea. Thanks. Will I see you at Thanksgiving next week?"
He nods, "I'll be there with bells on. Text me when you get home. Bye Rory."
She puts in her application when she gets home for the apartment she likes the best, which also happens to be the one closest to a subway station. She pretends not to hear the voice in the back of her head that highlights the convenience of this for her and Jess to visit each other. No, it's in case she gets a job in Manhattan is all.
Curiously, she is able to return to her book that night and tackle the Jess chapter. It's not easy in the sense that it guts her mentally and emotionally to revisit their past. But it is easy in the sense that it all seems to be flowing out of her. She strings together beautifully the roller coaster that they were. Growing up where she did, she had never met anyone like him before. Their very first interaction together, he was goading her to break the rules and dip out of a beautiful dinner that had been arranged for his very presence. It was strange, it was enthralling, it was different; it was nothing like Dean who followed every rule set forth by adults and kept Rory safe. Not by actually guarding her from anything, simply by not ever wanting or trying to do anything outside of the comfort of familiarity.
She was interested from their first meeting. But she was irrefutably hooked after he stole her book to write in the margins for her. It was a gift, and it was more personal and intimate than any gift she had received from Dean. She makes a conscious effort not to compare them in her book in the sense that Jess is viewed as a better boyfriend/guy in general, but more to show that she was changing as she got older. That the calm, normal and routine relationship she had with Dean, as much as they cared about each other, became uninteresting. She believes it wasn't just her either, that Dean knew they couldn't last and that's why he got a bit crazy towards the end (how many voicemails can he possibly leave in one day?).
Jess continued to pull her in. Jumping into her carriage at The Bracebridge Dinner, bidding almost a hundred dollars on a terrible basket just to spend time with her, constantly beckoning her to bend the rules, have a little fun. And she did break the rules for him eventually. On purpose, not on accident like she did when she fell asleep at Miss Patty's with Dean. She skipped school to visit him in New York, the biggest proof that she was diverging from the Rory she had been for so long. But it felt necessary, not only because she missed him but because she felt it wasn't fair at all. There was no reason for him to leave Stars Hollow, he didn't do anything wrong. Unfortunately he was up against a community that watched their sweet, kindhearted girl grow up and would fiercely defend her even when she truly did not want them to do or say a goddamn thing. They wouldn't see fault in her, and that made her want to change too and take risks as she did that day going to New York. She ultimately paid a larger price than she planned to, missing her mother's graduation and assigning herself a fitting punishment. When her mom tried to get her to see that she obviously felt something for Jess, she did something she does well: deny, deny, deny.
And she would deny her feelings for him for far too long. She did string Dean along and it wasn't fair. She thinks about kissing Jess at Sookie's wedding before she went to DC, and then coming back to find him with a girlfriend that was the complete opposite of her. It was so confusing that she stayed in the safety net of her uneventful relationship with Dean. If she had been more mature, or more open to listening to what her mom was trying to tell her, she would have realized that it would have been best for her to break up with Dean and focus on herself. No matter what Jess's relationship status was. It's a lesson she clearly was still learning over the past couple of years.
She writes about how he always showed his true colors, but people wouldn't look past his words, his ever-fixed scowl. They didn't notice or pay attention to his actions. He worked in the diner, after being forced to move to a small town from a big city where he was surely much less noticed. He put himself on display to help his Uncle, to earn his keep so to speak. But because he delivered every plate, every cup of coffee, with a side of sarcasm his actions became invisible to most people. But not to Rory. And not to Luke, not always anyway. It was an adjustment for him; she truly believes that he didn't understand how small of a town it was and that the mischief he caused when he first moved there would affect Luke at all. He reeled himself in after she pointed it out to him, further proof of his good character. He checked on her after the car accident. She remembers how scared he looked, it made her think that she had a bone sticking out somewhere that she couldn't see or a piece of glass in her head.
He cared about her, she revisits the sprinkler incident as definitive proof of this. She outright refused his help, was stubborn and even rude to him. And he ran to that house with her and fixed it anyway. She doesn't write about the sexual awakening she had, the two of them soaked and panting, the sunlight hitting him and accentuating his chest and arms, his lean but solid frame. It was an image she couldn't shake for weeks, and she imagined it every time she saw him at the diner or around town. She doesn't want it to turn into that kind of book, but it was a big deal for her. It lead to her thinking about being touched in places she had never thought about before, about going further with someone than making out fully clothed on a couch, bodies resting on each other without any urgency. She even went so far as to, upon their next time alone, nudge Dean's knee between her legs. He of course didn't catch on and didn't make contact where she wanted it, but she felt sexually bold and that was exciting too. That's the furthest they would get before breaking up (the first time).
When she finally acknowledged her feelings for him, after basically being forced to do so by an irritated Dean, it was physically everything she hoped for. He set her on fire with his hands and mouth alone, the way he would grab her face and inhale her, the way their make out sessions were always frenzied. It was a wholly welcome change from her sexual innocence.
(She wants anyone who reads her book to see that Jess did not change her. She was changing and he fit with who she was becoming.)
She wanted more intimacy, and she even wanted a more challenging relationship. And, by god, did she get it. Where they excelled in physical and emotional connection, they completely tanked in communication and understanding. She knows now, and she came to the realization years ago, that the difficult parts of their relationship were a team effort. She blindly would blame it all on Jess, because he wasn't like Dean and that was the only standard she had to go off of. The experience taught her that it's not fair to compare a person you care about to anyone else, but especially not an ex. That rather than getting angry and upset when a boyfriend isn't meeting her expectations, she should discuss it with them or she'll harbor all those bad feelings and explode (like the voicemail she left after the hockey game). That she should take a step back and think in those moments, am I being selfish or am I being purposely treated poorly? Because they are two very different things that can look the same. That Jess was doing the best he could with what he had, with what he knew about relationships. And that in all honesty, she was too.
Their relationship taught her to be more trusting, and that assuming the worst will usually give you the worst outcome. That while she was the more obviously kind and warm one of the two in their relationship, it didn't make him and less deserving of love, grace and care. He wasn't in charge of making Rory happy; they together were in charge of having a happy relationship. It made her realize how self-centered she could be. Jess didn't exist in the world to only make her life better; he had a whole life himself that he was trying to figure out. A past that he desperately wanted to stay away from, and desperately didn't want to discuss with anyone. It's why he gave up school to work, spent money on a crappy car, didn't keep her or Luke or anyone else for that matter apprise to where he was or what he was doing at any given time. His ability to exist in the world relying only on himself was the most important thing to him. Rory was a close second, she's sure, but it was survival to him. If she had to, she knows she could go on living happily enough in Stars Hollow, with her mother by her side and doing something mediocre like working at the book store. Something like that wasn't an option for Jess. He didn't have that type of support system. She didn't see it, she didn't understand it then. He had a lot more on his shoulders than she realized, and he wasn't willing to share the burden. He was complex; he is complex still.
It was too soon for them back then. She thinks now, if given the chance, they could do so much better. She would take her time exploring every layer of his complexity; welcoming it, learning from it, accepting it. She would be patient, and she would give her love freely, even in moments of anger and frustration. Because she knows now that he needs it the most in those moments.
He has already proven himself as more stable and reliable, and is much more open about his want/ability to be there for her. He has helped her with finding a new passion, and now with finding a new apartment so she can be the independent person she wants to be. He is supporting her without asking for anything in return.
It occurs to her that people used to think he wasn't good enough for her. Now she's not sure if she's good enough for him.
She has a few other awakenings as she writes, such as the fact that even though she constantly challenged him on it, it made her feel special that he only openly showed his kind and gentle side to her, that he pushed everyone else away but clung to her desperately. Which is clear from their last night together as teenagers at Kyle's party. Although he didn't want to be there, and basically disappeared from her sight as soon as he could, it wasn't because he didn't want to be with her. It felt that way, when she found him in the bedroom and tried to get him to talk to her. But she can now see how his fingers grasped her harder than usual, how his whole energy crackled and buzzed about her. The frenzy in his kiss as he pushed her onto the bed, how he attempted to get past her belt confidently yet his hands shook. His conviction that night was a shell attempting to hold the strength of his fear from tearing through his heart and forcing him to open up to Rory. The moment that he started clinging to her physically was also the point that he started pushing her away emotionally. She suddenly felt like everyone else in his life did, instead of feeling like someone special to him. It was the point that she stopped feeling like the only person who spoke his language. And she knows now that in his mind, he was doing it to protect her. From the truth.
God, the irony almost makes her run upstairs to tell Lorelai everything. But it's not quite enough. Why is it in the midst of one of the most challenging times of her life she seems to understand this man at a deeper level? Because his whole life was a challenge before he even met you. And yours didn't start to get hard until he left.
But she wanted to be there for him, and that's what still bothers her to this day. She wanted him to talk to her, to lean on her. And if he had told her what was going on, she would have made him realize that it wasn't as bad as he thought it was. That anything can be fixed, and that she would gladly help him fix it. She thinks about herself, her current predicament. That she is probably making worse for herself by not leaning on her mom, Luke, or even Jess. It's different because that life can't be brought back. Jess could have figured out school, and figured out his temporary future. He didn't need to run away, at least in her eyes. But what does it matter now? He's created a life for himself that makes him happy.
That's more than she can say for herself.
She doesn't want to end his chapter with him leaving, even though she will come back to him later since he had a habit of popping up every year or so in her life. She digs deeper into herself to figure out what else has Jess taught me about myself? About relationships? There's an important lesson but she can't align the stars in her mind to figure it out.
It can be fun to break the rules, like meeting up in the middle of the night to make out in the backseat of his car. Or that just being in each other's presence can be enough in a good relationship, not feeling like you have to entertain or bargain with someone to do the things you like (like seeing Lord of the rings again just to shop at a book fair). That passion and physical attraction does make a difference in a relationship. That you can show care for another person without ever needing to say the words.
That sometimes love is not enough.
This thought sends her into sobs. She slams her laptop closed and crawls into bed. She wraps her arms around her middle, I loved you so much. It wasn't enough to keep her baby, and it wasn't enough to keep Jess once upon a time.