enjoy xoxo
disclaimer: I own nothing
"December first Rory? You're moving next freaking week?!"
It's the day before Thanksgiving and she just got notice her application was approved and her deposit went through. The apartment is hers starting the following Thursday, exactly a week after Thanksgiving. She ran into the kitchen to tell her mom the news, jumping up and down with excitement but Lorelai has not moved from her chair.
"Yes! Isn't it great? I'm going to have my own space, a place to write, and all kinds of amazing coffee shops nearby! I can't wait for you to visit, and we can go shopping in Times Square and buy lots of stupid tchotchkes, go for martinis in Midtown, and catch a show on Broadway! It's going to be great."
"First of all, coffee? Martinis? So, I'm not invited to your apartment for another, what, seven months?"
Rory's face drops, and the energy from moments ago is zapped.
"Well, no, you can visit whenever you want! I'm just saying in general, those are things we can do. At some point or over time."
Lorelai nods curtly, "What's the rush, kid?"
"I thought you would be happy for me." Rory slumps down in a chair at the table. Lorelai sighs and leans over, with an all too forced smile on her face. She touches her daughter's cheek.
"Hey, I am happy for you. I'm not trying to bring you down. I'm just trying to understand."
"I've never had my own place. I went from Stars Hollow, to sharing living spaces with Paris at Yale, then living with Logan, and then to being on and off the road for years. And I loved that, in fact I miss it a lot, but I'm a grown up. I should have my own space, outside of the comfort of my childhood home."
Lorelai sinks back into her chair and takes a thoughtful sip of her coffee.
"Okay. I guess I understand that. And just to clarify, you're not running away from me, right? I'm not Emily-ing you without realizing? I have been known on more than one occasion to do that. I'm sure the name Jess will ring that bell."
Rory gives her mom a sweet smile, "I'm not running away from you, Mom. And you're not Emily-ing me, by the way I'm sure that she would love that we have turned her name into a verb."
The two women giggle together and share a hug. A confusing thought runs through her head, Am I running?
Thanksgiving is at the Dragonfly this year, but that doesn't mean Luke and Sookie are sharing a kitchen. He is cooking in his kitchen, she is cooking in hers, and they agreed to be courteous and share their food at the same table for their guests. And Sookie promised not to add or remove any garnishes.
Rory helps to set the table with the gaggle of children that somehow have become part of their tradition. She feels a tug at her heart as she watches little hands place silverware askew, hears youthful giggles bumbling around her, and at once she is imagining what next Thanksgiving is supposed to look like. Her with a small baby, making the rounds so everyone gets a chance to say hi to the Gilmore offspring. She pictures how she would need to step away from the exuberant affair to tuck herself in to a private space and feed her child. She can hear the sounds of love and laughter fading away as she shuts a door, and it's just her and her baby. Staring into each other's eyes and snuggling close as she provides them with the milk her remarkable body created to feed life.
She notices a drop of water on the napkin she is rolling up. She snaps out of her imagination and wipes at her eyes. Hold it together. You're strong. You're a Gilmore. It wasn't meant to be.
She feels a hand on her back as she places the napkin she just folded. She sniffles and looks up, willing gravity to push back the liquid in her vision. She turns around and is greeted with the smile reserved for her eyes only. Suddenly she is picturing this face, the smile, the solid body it's attached to quietly entering the room where she is nursing the baby. She hears him say that he's just checking on his two favorite people, and he kisses them both on the head. He says she's beautiful. Her heart leaps.
"Rory?"
She shakes her thoughts, "Sorry. Got lost in my own head."
"Ground control to major Tom?" he jokes, and they share a smile.
"I said you look beautiful. Hope that's not what sent you packing." She looks down at herself, she is wearing a gray sweater wrap dress that accentuates her curves with a deep neckline, black tights and some festive sparkly booties. Her lipstick is a dark burgundy and to contrast her pearly skin.
She blushes, "Thank you," she looks him up and down, taking in his athletically fit black sweater, gray jeans and the usual black boots. Something pulls in her lower abdomen as she notices the tightness of his sweater around his biceps. "You look handsome yourself."
He smirks, "Want some help? I came early to hang out with Doula but she's too cool for me already. She brought a couple of friends apparently and they are all over there babbling about Harry Potter."
"Sure. Here, help me fold these napkins. So, not a Potterhead I take it?"
He shoots her a look, "You know me better than that."
"Funny, I didn't get into it either. Think we're unimaginative or just pretentious?"
"Oh, my imagination is not lacking," he says with a wink that makes her cheeks color, "I have been accused of being literature pretentious before. But then I'm sure you have too."
"True, it's the curse of having old souls I guess."
"I always hated that saying. Why don't people just say the truth? Old soul equals emotional damage at a young age."
"Or that you're Lorelai Gilmore's daughter." They share a smile and laugh. They finish with the napkins and sit down on two chairs at the table.
"You excited to move to the "big apple" as you adorably call it?" Jess asks, leaning into her to emphasize his dig. She grins.
"Yep, I'm ready to take my bite!"
He rolls his eyes but says sincerely, "You're going to love it. I'll show you the best record and book shops on our side of town. Not too sure on the takeout situation in Queens, but I know a few you will be obsessed with in Brooklyn." He looks excited, and that makes her melt a little bit inside. Before she can say something too saccharine, he asks, "What's your move in plan?"
She shrugs, "I don't have much stuff. Just books and clothes. I'm going to take some furniture from my grandmother's storage but she's having movers take care of that for me. So just going to fill my car with boxes, drive down early and hope for a decent parking spot next Thursday."
"I have a wild idea."
"I don't believe you have ever had a tame one."
"Pack your car, come down Wednesday. Stay at my place for the night and then I'll help you vulture circle for a parking spot Thursday morning in Queens. I was planning to help you move anyway."
She only needs a moment to think about it, "Okay, that sounds great. And you're not just offering because someone, name rhymes with Duke, threatened you into it?"
"Do you ever accept help without disparaging a person?" He asks in his teasing, faux hurt tone.
She pouts, "I'm sorry. I struggle to ignore the independent woman mantra shouting in my brain sometimes. It's been there since I first read Jane Eyre as a kid."
"You're an independent woman, Jane. No need to bully yourself, or me for that matter." He nudges under her lip with his knuckle, "And put that thing away, I didn't know they allowed weapons in here." His touch sends heat up her neck. She bites her lip and stares at his lips. Fighting the eternal battle in her mind any time she spends too much time looking at this mouth, should I kiss him?
"Rory! Hi Jess," her mom's voice interrupts her revere as she approaches them at the dining table, "Wow this looks great! It looks just like we're about to have dinner at Dr. Frank n Furter's castle."
"Minus the cannibalism I hope?" Jess interjects.
"I can't promise anything, Sookie never has shared what goes into her secret stuffing."
"I'll stick to Luke's."
"Why? Afraid you'll enjoy the taste, Dahmer?"
"Oh, that's not insensitive at all." Rory states dryly. Inside she is happy to see her mom and Jess bantering. Sadly, it's short lived.
"So, what are you guys up to? Discussing which community groups have the best snacks? Going over the trash pick-up days? Tell me, is bulk pick up the same day in Brooklyn and Queens? You see, I haven't spent much time in either so not sure how close they actually are. Care to map it out for me? Would you say you're close enough that Rory should list you as an emergency contact instead of me?"
Rory's arms are crossed over her chest. She loves her mom, but god does she completely lack diplomacy when it comes to her and Jess.
"Are you having an episode?" Rory asks, trying to keep frustration from creeping into her voice.
"Not yet I'm not. But if you tell me that Jess lives close enough to shimmy up your fire escape in the middle of the night, I might."
"I'm sure there are worse intruders you can think of. Paris, for example. Or Son of Sam." Jess extrapolates to Lorelai, with a dash of his old scowl, "And what makes you think I would need to use the fire escape? Maybe Rory plans to give me a copy of her key, you know in case she needs any plants watered whenever she's out of town. Is that too friendly for you?" Rory shoots Jess a look and he has the decency to shrink back and look in his lap.
"Sorry, but isn't this an old subject?" He asks, directed at Lorelai. She shrugs.
"Not to me. I'm just trying to get an idea is all. Rory here hasn't been all that forthcoming lately." She can see Jess surveying her now out of the corner of her eye.
"Why are you acting like this Mom?" Rory begs, "Isn't it a good thing that Jess is nearby? In case something did ever happen?" Lorelai folds her arms and huffs. She looks back and forth between them, and suddenly breaks into a tight, malicious grin.
"You know what? It is nice that you will live so close to family. I'm glad your cousin will be there for you when Mommy can't. Like if you need someone to pick up your birth control at the pharmacy before they close. A cousin is perfect for that." Rory doesn't miss the jibe, and Lorelai immediately looks contrite as she notices the grimace on Rory's face. But it's Jess who breaks the tension,
"Your foot and mouth still having an affair I see?" It's enough to make both women release a small laugh, and Jess takes it as an opportunity to get out of their way, "I'm going to…probably start drinking now," Jess turns to Rory as he stands up, "I'll catch you around." She nods and he walks away.
"What was that mom?"
Lorelai sighs ruefully and sits down in the chair Jess vacated, "I don't know. I'm sorry. Something about seeing the two of you all buddy buddy puts me in a scary time warp where I'm still wearing overly pointed boots and too short sweater vests and you're falling for a boy that's about to run away from you and break your heart. Not to mention, the first guy that you thought about doing the dirty with. I have never looked at fried rice the same again, by the way. Anyway, my brain just went to a very hostile place."
"But mom - "
"No honey. It's okay. You don't need to defend yourself or him. I know I was in the wrong here. He has been nothing but good to you, and Luke, for the better part of a decade. I'm no better than they who shall not be named if I hold the past against him."
"Beetlejuice?"
"Close but saying Emily's name three times would surely be a more disastrous result."
Rory laughs and Lorelai takes her hand to give it a squeeze.
"How you feeling sweetie? Any nausea or anything?"
Rory swallows, "No, I'm okay."
"You sure? Because I won't be able to help you as easily once you're in New York, so you better tell your body to get through all the bad stuff now!" She jokes putting an arm around Rory. She smiles weakly and looks away.
"Speaking of New York, I was talking to Jess about next week and he offered to let me stay at his place on Wednesday so I can get a head start on stuff Thursday."
Lorelai smiles, slightly too wide to be genuine, "Did he now? What a sacrifice to have his very own Daisy Buchanan under his roof."
"Mom, he doesn't have feelings for me like that. And please don't compare me to that insufferable woman."
"Okay, I'll call you Cleopatra instead. Because you're Queen of denial!" Lorelai sings and Rory rolls her eyes. "He's definitely packing a torch somewhere for you. Oh, that sounded dirty!" she giggles, "But seriously. Everything about the two of you has always been intense and I don't think that's changed hun. And now you're going to live near each other and I just…I hope you don't hurt each other. And you should tell him your news sooner rather than later, so he has the opportunity to make an educated choice."
Lorelai's words sink in and Rory slumps into herself. She bites her lip and gives her mom a nod.
"Tell Logan too while you're at it." She whispers in Rory's ear.
"Together?!"
"Not what I meant but that's a great idea! You tell them, then we put them in a ring and let them duke it out for you. We'll sell tickets and popcorn. We'll be filthy rich!"
"You need to be medicated."
"Love you too," Lorelai pats her on the back and stands up, "I'm going to go do as many shots of vodka as it takes to eliminate the memory of me caring about Jess out loud now. Toodles!"
The dining room begins to fill up an hour later. Sookie has put out enough appetizers to feed the population of Connecticut, which Rory is fully enjoying as she sits on the couch in the lobby with a full plate and a cup of coffee. She sees Jess talking to Liz nearby and he looks so very Luke. Hands gesturing, moving through his hair at times, then finally arms folded with an eye roll. Liz is laughing at least; it's a blessing, or maybe a learned skill, that everything is water off a duck's back to her. Rory knows how scathing Jess's words can be sometimes, and he has the least amount of patience with his mom. He walks away from Liz with a shake of his head, and in a moment sees Rory and starts heading over to her.
"My mother just informed me that she plans to send Doula to a Renaissance camp over spring break. A Renaissance camp, Rory, for children! She will never recover."
Rory giggles, "Will it really be so bad? Maybe they will teach her how to ride a horse and joust. That would be cool!"
Jess gives her an incredulous look, "Or maybe they will teach her how to be a traipsing arts and crafts freak!"
"Jess, maybe Doula wants to go! Did you ever think of that?"
He sighs and shakes his head, "Whatever. I'm going to get us some drinks. Be right back."
She doesn't have a chance to protest before he's walking away. What could she have said anyway without telling the truth?
Jess walks over to the bar, which Kirk is supposed to be tending, but he is in the corner sneaking food scraps into a large tote bag. All Jess hears is "that's my finger, Petal!" and he knows he wants no part of it. He grabs a bottle of red wine and fills two glasses. As he puts the bottle back, he sees mini bar sized liquor bottles. He smirks and grabs a handful of them, stuffing them in his back pockets and pulling his sweater down to cover. He grabs the wine glasses and moves in a careful stride back to where he left Rory. As he turns the corner to the room she is in, he feels a hand on his shoulder.
"Where are you going with those?" Luke demands.
"Well, to drug Rory of course. I was thinking I would kidnap her later, drive to Vegas and trick her into marrying me," he glowers at Luke.
"That's not funny Jess."
"Sorry, you and your wife seem to be bringing out the punk in me today. And, shocker, all because of your concerns for Rory."
Luke sighs, "Look, Jess. She's going through a lot right now. We are just trying to help her. I would do the same thing for you if needed. It's nothing against you at all."
"It feels pretty personal. You should have heard Lorelai ask us in ten different ways how neighborly we are actually going to be."
"Well Lorelai is Lorelai but trust me, it's not personal. I'll take that wine glass, thank you." Luke grabs the glass from Jess's right hand. He is bewildered.
"When did you start drinking wine?"
"Jess…"
"Trying to channel Johnny Depp for Lorelai? She loves you for who you are Uncle Luke, god knows why," he taunts, but it doesn't have the usual mocking tone behind it.
"Why didn't the smart-ass thing get better with you? Everything else did!"
"Why can't Rory have a glass of wine?"
Luke's face goes blank, and he stutters, "Uh because. She's trying not to drink. I gotta go make sure Sookie hasn't tossed any of the sides I brought. See ya at the table." And he's gone. Jess's gaze moves to Rory who is showing a book to Doula. He eyes her inquisitively. What exactly is going on with her?
He joins her back on the couch after Doula walks away.
She turns and smiles at him, "I gave her a copy of Emma I found in my bag. I have at least two other editions at home somewhere. She said you haven't given her any Jane Austen yet, shame on you!"
"I was getting to it. I told you; she's been harping on Potter lately. I don't even know how you got her to talk about anything else."
She shrugs, "It's a Gilmore thing." He nods and sips his wine. He twirls his glass around as he contemplates how to address what just happened with Luke. Based on her reluctance to start speaking again, he has a feeling she saw at least some of their interaction. Suddenly the words stumble out of him, underlined with a level of frustration he didn't know he felt.
"So. You didn't drink at the wedding. And I just got yelled at for walking in your general fucking direction with a glass of wine. On top of that, earlier your mom said that you haven't been your chatty self with her lately. And I know you guys have sort of a twin thing going on when you talk, but even I could tell the birth control comment wasn't a throwaway. It hurt you. You've been saying you need a friend and alluded to something big going on. Now I may not have graduated High School, but I can still put together the facts and deduce something here. But I'm not an insensitive jerk and I'm not going to put words in your mouth, so I won't ask outright," he pauses and takes a breath, then says more softly, "And I don't mean to push you Rory, but I'm being treated like we're teenagers again and I'd at least like to know why. Care to tell me what's going on?"
She gulps and wants to break eye contact but it's futile with him.
"I'm sorry. They're just being overprotective."
"Of what? You're thirty-two."
"Just…of me. My drinking. Luke found out about my whiskey lunches, and you know how he is. To him it sounded like I was a raging alcoholic. He's just going overboard. Mom too."
Lying to this man pierces her in the stomach but the truth is too hard to spit out, especially in this room.
Jess is glaring at her now.
"Try again. You forget he's Liz's brother? He knows an alcoholic when he sees one."
"He just…I just," Rory sputters. She exhales and puts her face in her hands, "I don't know what to say. Can we please talk about it later?"
He gives a humorless laugh, "You're going to have to do better than that at this point."
She looks up at him with watery eyes, he falters for a moment, wanting to apologize and tell her to forget it, it's none of his business. But she yields, "Fine. Okay. Where are you staying tonight?"
"Above Luke's."
"Okay. After dinner. We can talk there. I'll…even walk over with you so you don't have to guess when or if I'm coming."
He offers her an appeased grin, "Great, maybe we can hold hands and skip while we're at it." She laughs and he relaxes at the sound, "Now, can I ask you a favor?"
"Anything."
"Don't give Doula any Ayn Rand."
Thanksgiving dinner goes faster than expected for Rory and she is now nursing a cup of coffee. Avoiding Jess's eye next to her as he waits for her to finish so they can leave together for Luke's.
"I've never seen a coffee last this long in the hands of a Gilmore."
She looks at him briefly. "I'm full from dinner and dessert so I have to drink slowly, or I'll be sick."
"I seem to remember you putting away multiple Thanksgiving dinners years ago and having no problem drinking coffee at the end of the day. Need a second to come up with a different lie?"
She looks at him, affronted.
"Rory? Jess? Why are you guys still here? I thought you said you were going to Luke's?" Lorelai appears from the kitchen.
"Ask Yoko Ono over here." Jess tilts his head towards Rory.
Lorelai raises an eyebrow at her, "Staging a sit-in honey? Not against Luke's, I hope. It could be awkward explaining that to my husband."
Rory rolls her eyes and throws the rest of her coffee back. She stands up and puts her coat on. Jess following suit with his smirk.
"I'll see you later mom."
"Be safe. And Jess I trust you'll drive her home and not make her walk alone in the cold in that cute but low coverage outfit." He mock salutes her and is out the door with Rory leading the way.
"That was some impressive stalling. You nervous or something?" Jess asks as they walk next to each other. His hands behind his back and hers folded across her chest. He knows the answer but is hoping to break through her wall before they get to the apartment. He doesn't want her to feel forced or uncomfortable. He wants her to want to talk to him. He watches as her breaths puff out in the cold November air, contemplating.
"I'm…nervous. And anxious. And scared." He releases his hands to place one on her arm. When she leans into it, he moves it down to hold her hand tightly. Their eyes meet and he says wholeheartedly, "it's me Rory. Just you and me."
Her heart jumps into her throat and she stops on the sidewalk. Moments like this where he is so genuine, where he puts all of his teasing and mocking tendencies aside, where he stands firm in his loyalty to her as a place to lay her head; they make her feel like he has handed her the whole world. Of all the people she's dated, or even cared about, she has only ever wanted this. Not gifts, not doting, not lavish proposals; she craved connection. She craved the naturalness of someone caring about her without her needing to change herself in anyway, with no conditions. Just because they genuinely care. Logan and Dean tried to show her in languages she didn't speak. Her dad would put in a little bit of time and spend some money on her and then disappear until the next time. Even Lorelai, though better now, only made Rory feel cared about when she was living up to her expectations.
But Jess…that was the one thing he always got right. He speaks her language.
He stops on the sidewalk with her, keeping her hand in his. She looks at the ground and then up to the sky.
"I'm…all fucked up Jess. Everything is fucked up right now." She starts to sniffle, he examines her face and sees her mouth twisted in anguish, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. Her chest is heaving like her emotions are escaping her faster than she can express them.
"Rory. We're almost at Luke's. Your mom won't forgive me if I let you sob out in the cold and you get sick. Come here." He pulls her close to him and wraps an arm around her shoulders. He leads her carefully through the remaining walk, holding tight on to her so she knows that he's got her, he is going to take care of her.
He maneuvers her up to the apartment and sits her on the couch. He puts a kettle of water on and takes out two mugs and teabags. He stands in front of her and leans down to meet her eyes, his hands gently on her shoulders. He recognizes her fragile state and doesn't want to break her into a million pieces.
"Want me to take your coat?"
She nods and he is pushing it off her shoulders and hangs it in a closet. After her minor outburst, she is feeling numb as she builds up the nerve to try and stay calm and talk with Jess.
In reality, she knows she doesn't have to explain anything to him. It isn't really his business, it isn't anyone's business but hers (she believes). It's not even Logan's business anymore. It's something that happened to her, to her own body. Something that frightened her and continues to torment her. She could keep it to herself and as for her mom, just pretend nothing even ever happened. Okay, maybe she is Cleopatra.
But it's Jess. And at this point in her life, Rory is not ignorant to her own strong feelings of care for him. It goes beyond romantic interest, she cares about him as an important person in her life, as he does her. Truthfully, she knows he always has, the difference now is that he doesn't try to hide it or deny it. She remembers outside her home years ago, What makes you think I care about you? Well, she was proved right in the end.
The kettle is whistling and brings Rory out of her thoughts. She looks up and Jess is pouring water over teabags. He opens a drawer, and she sees peppermint sticks in his hands. He sticks them both in one mug and walks over to the couch to hand it to her. She looks at him with a watery smile, "Thank you." He nods and sits down next to her, holding his own cup of tea. She takes a sip of her tea and looks around the room. Even though Luke lives with her mom now, nothing has changed. It looks just as it did when her and Jess used to makeout in it. It almost puts a smile on her face.
"When I was maybe seven or eight years old," Jess's voice breaks the silence and she turns to look at him as he stares into his mug, clearly considering if he wants to continue. She places a hand on his knee, and he gives her an appreciative smile, "I was looking in the apartment for something to drink. We only had tap water it turned out, but I couldn't reach the cupboard for a cup, and I couldn't reach the sink. I asked Liz for help, and of course I didn't realize it at the time, but she was wrecked. Wasted. Stumbling around the kitchen. I'm assuming she couldn't focus her vision enough to handle the task, so she pointed in the direction of the kitchen table and told me to drink out of a cup sitting there instead. I was so thirsty; I just sat down and grabbed the cup from the table and started drinking it. I remember telling Liz that the soda tasted spicy, I didn't know how else to describe it. But she was too far gone to listen or care. I didn't have any other options, so I just drank it. It made me woozy, so I went to my room and laid down. I don't remember throwing up, but I woke up with vomit all over my pillow. I was too young to understand that Liz had essentially given me a potent rum and Coke. I was scared her or her boyfriend would yell at me for the mess, so I threw my pillow outside in the trash and just didn't sleep with one for a while."
Rory exhales a shaky breath and squeezes his knee as he finishes his story.
"Jesus Jess. You could have choked and died."
He shrugs, "I survived. And I used a chair to stand on and get my own water from then on, so it helped me build my problem-solving skills."
She gives him a look of you can't be serious. He meets her look and raises an eyebrow, and it sends her the message that one, he doesn't want her pity and two, it's her turn. Of course, he was sharing an incredibly vulnerable experience with her to put her at ease with her own issues. Putting her before himself because she knows that talking about his past ignites something violent in his mind. But he had to get past her stubbornness, her shield of denial somehow. He might as well have come at her with guns blazing; her walls are down, and she surrenders.
"I was pregnant. By accident. I ended things with the father over the Summer, but we had one last unexpected night together early fall. I found out about the baby right before mom and Luke's wedding." Jess puts down his mug of tea and leans into her line of vision to let her know he's present, completely. Was flashing through both their minds. She looks at him with her big blue eyes, and he thinks she looks like a scared puppy. He swallows his own emotions down and wraps an arm around her shoulders. He softly runs his callused fingers along the bare part of her arm. He waits patiently for her to continue.
"I told Mom the day of her wedding. And even though it scared me, I felt this new sense of purpose that I hadn't felt in a long time. I was prepared to do hard things, whatever needed to be done to be at least half the mother mine was." She pauses to take a trembling breath; he holds her tighter; strengthening the foundation that he knows she's about to collapse on. Her voice is strained by a chokehold of emotions, "A week later, one week after the wedding, I woke up with cramps and they didn't go away all morning. I called Paris for help, I hoped it was normal or that it wasn't something serious," she is shaking in his arms, tears rolling down her pink cheeks and on to her dress, "I went to the hospital and started bleeding there. It lasted for hours. I lost it, Jess. I had a miscarriage. It's gone, just like that."
She is sobbing now, though silently, the only proof in the movements of her body and wetness of her face. He has to close his eyes for a moment to regain his strength for her. His heart is in his stomach, and he knows there are no words he can say to fix anything at all. He whispers, "Oh, Ror," and encloses as much of her as he can in his arms. She buries her face in his shoulder, and she finally lets out guttural sob. He puts a hand on her head and takes a deep breath. He is running through all of his experiences and conversations with her over the past couple of weeks in his head, and he can see how hard she has been trying to pretend nothing happened, that everything is okay. She has always been good at ignoring her emotions and avoiding difficult things in her life.
Her sobs slow down to tremulous breaths and she slowly moves away from his shoulder to catch his eye. His face scrunches slightly in pain at the grief in her face.
"I haven't told anyone else. Well, Paris. But other than that…" he slowly nods in understanding. And even though he feels like a jerk for basically forcing her to talk to him, he realizes that he actually is the friend she needs. Because as good as she is at putting up a front, he's equally skilled at tearing it down so she can see herself and everything else more clearly. She's telling him, instead of fibbing to him like she is everyone else, because she knows deep inside that he will help her resurface from the trenches of this. It will take time, patience, and probably some attitude but he decides easily that he is prepared to do it all.
"It's only been a couple of weeks. It's okay if you're not ready yet," he reasons for her, "but you will have to tell them eventually. They love you Rory, they can help you deal with this." She bites her lip and shakes her head.
"I wish I didn't have to tell anyone else. It happened so early on…if I had just waited until week twelve like everyone says to…well, I wouldn't have made it, but I wouldn't have told anyone either. And this would be easier."
He quirks his head to the side, "You really think that, Rory? That this would be easier if you had kept every part of it to yourself? Do you know how upset your mom would be if she knew you felt that way?"
She bites her lip, and a fresh wave of hot tears fall down her face.
"I don't know but I feel like a failure. I feel like I did when you saw me before, drinking whiskey in the middle of the day with no direction, no prospects for anything."
"You're not a failure, you never have been, and you never will be."
"But I feel like such a failure in every way. I still have no real job prospects; I'm using my stupid trust fund for a place to live. I got pregnant! Me, Rory-safety first-Gilmore, got pregnant! Then, I start to feel better because even though it wasn't planned, I have a clear path to my future. It's not all a mystery anymore. But then my body can't even do what it's supposed to do at its most basic biological level? I can't even sustain a life I created? It feels like the carpet's been ripped out from under me and I'm falling into nothingness."
"I wouldn't call it basic Rory. I wish you wouldn't debase yourself like that about something that isn't within your control."
"I can't help it! It feels like my body just rejected happiness. It decided that I don't deserve the opportunity to be a mom. To have a best friend in life just like my mom had with me," she says more quietly, "I don't deserve to have beautiful and moving private moments, like feeding my child in mom's office while all the people I love are outside enjoying Thanksgiving dinner and waiting for us to come back so they can gush over the baby."
Jess gives her a compassionate look, realizing that she must have been feeling miserable inside all day. He takes her hand.
"Miscarriages are unfortunately common. I know those stupid health class talks in high school made it sound like unwanted babies were lurking around every corner just waiting to take over your life, but that's not the case. There are so many things in your body that have to be right to get pregnant, and somehow you did. And knowing you I'm sure however it happened wasn't because you forgot to take birth control. It's kind of a miracle that it happened, don't you think?" While he doesn't necessarily believe in that sort of thing, he knows she needs to reframe her thoughts. To stop viewing the whole experience in a lens of karmic justice.
"And what? Punishment that I lost it?"
"Of course not!" He rebukes.
She doesn't respond so he asks quietly, "Have you talked to Paris since that day?"
She shrugs, "She calls me every day, I think to make sure I haven't jumped off a building or anything."
"You should talk to her about this. It might help in some way to hear the statistics and I'm sure she's got them memorized," he squeezes her hand, "Rory, you didn't do anything wrong. And you're not being punished for anything. It's a part of life."
She puts her face in her hands, "I shouldn't even feel this way."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Logically, it's probably for the best that it happened like this. I didn't want to be with the father anymore and he would have been an absent one at best. I have no source of sustainable income. No partner in life to help me raise a child. Until now I didn't have anywhere to live besides my old bedroom."
"Logic has nothing on emotion and experience."
"Is that a quote?"
"I don't know, but it's the truth. You're allowed to feel the way you feel." He then whispers, "Stop beating yourself up."
Her mouth twitches but she doesn't respond. She leans into him, and he lets her rest on his chest, arm around her.
He remembers the liquor bottles and lifts his hips for a moment to grab them out of his pockets. He points one in her direction, "Want one?" She nods and takes a mini bottle of vodka from him. He opens a bottle of whiskey, and they clink them together, then simultaneously tip them back and drink them like a shot.
"Want to watch a movie?" Jess asks. Rory smiles softly and nods.
a/n: I hope you guys are liking this story, let me know your thoughts! I enjoyed writing this chapter especially. it's always interesting to write Lorelai, Rory and Jess all in the same scene - so many possibilities for dialogue!
ps promise some exciting literati scenes soon ;)