Thank you so much for your reviews and for reading!

I thoroughly enjoyed writing this chapter. I hope you like it!
(if it's not clear, this is a direct continuation of the last chapter. aka these are Jess's margin notes that he has saved for Rory since Christmas.)

enjoy xoxo

disclaimer: I own nothing

Before I start reading your gift to me, I wanted to begin with a note to you. The last couple months have been tough for you, and at some points for me. I understand very well how difficult it can be to write through your pain and emotions. And then to share it with me? It's incredibly vulnerable Rory, and I want you to know that I will handle all of this, all of you, with care. I know how fortunate I am to be let in this way. I hope I can open up just as much for you. I will do my best.

You make me sound more mysterious than Boo Radley: "Luke informed us that a nephew would be moving in that no one knew he had. No other details except he was problematic and from New York. It shouldn't have intrigued me the way it did, but it felt exciting to have a cultured city boy with a chip on his shoulder coming to my small town. It turned out to be much more than that, and it turned out to make me feel much deeper emotions that excited doesn't even begin to cover. Mom's spidey senses must have immediately tingled, because she told Luke in so many ways that it would not be a good idea to take this boy in." I find it amusing that you and Lorelai were shocked to hear Luke had a nephew. Because I imagine Luke has never been forthcoming about his personal life (just the same as he is now). Also, it's adorable that me being from the city seemed to add to this enigma. I'm not surprised that your mom was worried about me before she even met me. Who would be excited to meet or take in a kid that couldn't be handled by his own mother? And knowing Lorelai, I'm sure she saw exactly what would happen before I even showed up. Meaning, she knew it would make some sort of difference in your life, and she was afraid. It's justifiable considering her past that involved a 'bad boy' and a teenage pregnancy. I recognize all of that now as affecting the way she treated me. It pissed me off then, but I do get it now.

"I didn't understand why my mom didn't want Luke to help his own nephew. And I couldn't imagine he was so bad that his own mom couldn't be bothered anymore. Then I realized, I can imagine a parent not bothering with their child even when she's an ivy league bound, honor student that has never even come within a breath of trouble. I knew then that Luke's nephew deserved better, and I would be his friend no matter what others thought of him."

I don't really have words for this part, except thank you. No, that's a lie. I do have more to say.

Your heart is the dearest thing I have ever come across in my life.

It's crazy to think that we are now adults and have had incredible sex in the innocent little bedroom I met you in all those years ago. If I had any idea that I would be where I am with you now, I probably wouldn't have tried to seduce you via running away from that dinner. Actually…no. I still would have. My young idiot self would have thought that it meant I had a chance with you then too.

What I remember the most about our first meeting is your brightness. You turned and smiled at me like I was someone you already cared about; me, a perfect stranger that had never had anyone look at him that way in his life. Not my mother, not a friend or a girlfriend. Not even Luke - not the way that you made me feel at least. It was how I imagine it feels for a newborn to experience the light of the sun for the first time: blinding, terrifying, but irresistibly warm and inviting. You immediately confused me, in a demandingly curious way. I didn't understand how anyone could be so happy in that batshit town, let alone a beautiful girl my age. Then, I asked you to leave out the window with me. You basically laughed me off, and from that moment I knew I was a goner. Everything about you intrigued me. I had never had a girl laugh me off before. Flip me off, tell me off, yes. Follow after me, make out with me, or break the law with me, yes. But never laugh like the idea was ridiculous and staying and having dinner would somehow be much more fun than what I had planned for us. You were so peculiar (still are thank god), and I found myself enamored by it.

I thought I was an absolute Casanova stealing Howl and writing in the margins for you. I fully expected you to want to make out with me immediately when I gave it to you. But you once again threw me for a loop, and instead of a kiss you gave me your cutting wit and that bright but teasing smile. When you called me Dodger, and the literary reference went over my head for a moment, I swear I wanted to just grab you, wrap my arms tight around you and keep you for the rest of time. You just were…everything. I played it very cool though, didn't I?

You mentioned your 'coming out' social event in another chapter I remember from editing. You didn't mention it here. I guess you didn't notice me sneaking looks at you. You came into the diner in that elegant dress, sat down on a cheap, ugly chair and ate a big burger and fries. It was further proof that you were exactly as dichotomous as I gathered from our first meeting. You looked like the prettiest princess, but that didn't stop you from going after your true desires. In this case a greasy burger at the diner in your small town. I've always been curious about how you handled living in those two worlds, I still am. You always seemed happy, even though I can imagine there were expectations tugging at you from both sides. I wish I could add to this by saying something romantic, like seeing you all done up in that white dress made me think about marrying you one day. But my maturity wasn't quite there yet at that age, I was a rascal (I know, I still am a little bit). I do remember wondering if we were dating then, if you'd let me crawl under that puffy skirt and explore. I'm assuming the answer would have been no. What do you think? At least I am comforted by the knowledge that you didn't let Dean do that either.

I am innocent until proven guilty. Still blaming me for that chalk outline I see. What makes you think Dean didn't do it and set me up?

Okay, I know he's not that clever or adventurous. In all seriousness, I appreciate your analysis here of me. I can see that you see me, and you always have. Here's why I wonder how you handled those two worlds, the high society and the small town. Because I could not handle going from the city to Stars Hollow. Going from a place where I was one in a million, and I had more of a chance of getting run over by a cab than running into someone on the street that knows me or my family. To a place where not only does everyone know each other, but they care about each other too? It was unfathomable to me. But I did try, though you and Luke were probably the only people that could see past my sardonic demeanor and acknowledged my actions. Anyway, you're right that I didn't expect Luke to get any blowback for any of the mischief I caused. And you're also right that you helped me realize my actions would continue to affect Luke, and he didn't deserve that. He didn't do anything except give a troubled kid a home and support. I tried to be better, Rory. I really did. Thank you for noticing.

Man, I was smooth. Jumping into your carriage and dissecting your relationship with Dean. What girl wouldn't be into that? I remember your secret excited grin though, so I do know you were into it.

But that was a dirty game I was playing. Making you feel bad about your relationship, making you feel like you weren't dating someone good enough for you. I mean…I was right. You're brilliant, and kind, and special. And Dean was just…an oaf. But still. I realize now it was a little manipulative. And I'm not even close to being as cool or wonderful as you, never have been, so I don't know what I was thinking trying to sell myself as your equal. I was probably blinded by your sweet smile and bright eyes. They gave me tunnel vision sometimes (okay, they still do). I was desperately trying to worm my way into your heart in any way I could. Including interrogating your very own decisions that were made before I even moved to Stars Hollow, that had nothing to do with me really. So I basically questioned your mind while simultaneously putting it on a pedestal that even Dean shouldn't have been able to reach at his gargantuan height. Like I said, it was a little manipulative though I'm sure you realized that already.

It's hard to face these parts of myself sometimes. Especially in relation to you because I like to think I'm better for you than other people you have been with, but what if I'm not? How I treated you for dating Dean is evidence enough that I might not be. That's part of why I try hard now to make sure you know that your past relationships, and your past in general, don't affect the way I feel about you. And even though I was a jerk about Dean, it didn't affect the way I felt about you then either. Underneath the quips, the smirk and the charm - I just wanted what was best for you, because even having known you for such a short amount of time, I knew you were the kind of person that deserved the world. But again, that doesn't mean that I am what's best for you.

Don't think that means that I ever think about giving you up. I would rather work my whole life to be worthy of you, than to back off and let you find someone that might be better. As cliched as it may sound, I don't think someone that's good enough for you exists. So, I might as well hold you tight and try to get as close as I can to being deserving of your love.

Did you forget about Bjork? I'm a little sad if you did because I had to sneak out in the freezing cold, in the middle of the night when all of Stars Hollow was fast asleep, and hack at that stupid sculpture for much longer than I expected. That thing was practically ice.

With inflation, I would probably be paying over $100 for that basket now. And even knowing the poisonous garbage that was in it, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I'll admit, a lot of my fun that day came from tormenting Dean. But in the end, I just wanted to spend time with you. Being emotionally stunted the way that I was, I couldn't bring myself to just tell you that. In my twisted mind, this was the best way to make it happen. And I hoped you would be impressed by the amount of money I spent as an added bonus (I was dumb - of course you never cared about money and still don't. I assumed all girls did then). Despite the frustration it caused for you, and between you and Dean, I hope this memory is as material to you as it is to me. It was the best first date I have ever had, and yes it absolutely was a date. If we have kids, they will love this story. Or hate it depending on what age they are (or who they take after).

And you know, Hemingway still only has lovely things to say about you. It's a shame you still won't hear him out.

Confession time: I took your bracelet. You left it on the bridge. I was marginally obsessed with you. I wanted something of you for myself since it didn't seem like I could take you away from your boyfriend. I planted it back in your room when I realized you were looking for it (two weeks later, by the way. That made me feel pretty good). Your mom totally caught me. It felt like me and Lorelai took one step forward and five steps back that day. She made an effort to be kind to me, despite the whole me stealing a beer from your porch and accusing her of sleeping with Luke thing the last time I was at your house (I'm assuming she told you about that. Not my best moment. It was obvious to me though that those two belonged together. Can that negate the stupidity of my actions please?). I also tried hard to not be a standoffish, broody pain in the ass per your request. We were getting somewhere, but then the bracelet incident messed it up. And even though I know it was technically wrong what I did, your mom irritated me. She yelled about how I was hurting you because it was a special gift from your perfect boyfriend and basically said you guys had this great relationship and she assumed that me stealing the bracelet was a move to get in between you and Dean. I had no idea he made you that bracelet, otherwise I wouldn't have taken it if I'm being honest. I think I effectively killed her argument when I told her that the bracelet had been gone for two weeks, and I think it made her face the reality that you weren't as invested in your relationship as you once were. The tension between you and him was now felt by all of us, and as much as it freaked your mom out, it intrigued me. Anyway, this interaction put a wall between me and Lorelai once again. It seems like she didn't tell you about the bracelet, however. I wonder why.

I don't know who talked you into tutoring me, but it felt like I hit the lottery, and the prize was an entire evening of being in your presence. Even if you did keep trying to get me to discuss Othello as if I didn't already know what it was all about. You knew that I didn't need your help, but you're so pure and lovely that you really did try to help me out anyway (and I think deep down you wanted to spend time with me too). Also, how did you not mention my magic tricks here? They were good, Gilmore.

(I see another Clash pop quiz in your future. It's been a long time since I've tested you.)

I hold an immense amount of guilt about the car accident. I know you don't blame me and that you will tell anyone that will listen that it wasn't my fault. But it was my fault. I couldn't stop looking at you. If I had turned back to the road just a few seconds sooner, maybe I could have stopped in time and not had to swerve. But I could not keep my eyes off your brilliant smile or your beautiful animated blues. And your words. Oh, Rory. Do you have any idea what it does to me to hear you speak? I would listen to you read me every version of the bible and never get tired of your voice. Even when you're mad at me, I hang on to every word. And when you're sad, it sounds like a somber symphony.

But when you are speaking about things that are important to you, that you're passionate about…my heart can't sit still. It bounces all over me, through every limb. My jaw aches from constantly wanting to smile. My hands and arms itch to hold you close so I can feel every vibration of every word rattle through your body against mine while I listen to your sweet, enrapturing voice. I wish I could keep a running script of every word you say to me in my head. I would recite it every night to fall asleep like a lullaby.

This is all to say that I am sure I could have prevented that accident. And even though it felt so good to watch and listen to you, I wish I had looked at the road sooner. Because hearing you scream does the complete opposite to me of hearing you speak. I can only describe what I felt as what I assume the beginning of a heart attack feels like. The strain in my chest, the panic in my throat, and then the incessant tingling all over my body, trying to figure out how to keep you safe while also trying to control the car. My number one thought was to make sure you're okay. My second thought was I may have just wrecked the purest thing I have ever encountered (definitely not talking about the car). I felt so ashamed and dirty, like a monster in your fairy tale life. I sort of felt like Lenny from Of Mice and Men, except I quickly understood my power to hurt something delicate. I was relieved when I looked over at you and you were clearly alive and breathing, but deeply troubled when I saw you clutching your arm. All I remember after that is asking you about a hundred times if you're okay, calling an ambulance, and then booking it to the bridge because I was afraid to let myself be around you any longer. On top of my self-flagellation, I knew your mom and everyone else in that town was going to hate me (rightfully so) and give Luke a hard time. So, I left. It was the only choice I could see that would be best for both of us. I'm sorry that you were burdened with dealing with the aftermath alone, and that you felt like no one would really listen to you about it being truly an accident. For some reason, everyone else thought you were this fragile doll. And while I was afraid to break you, I knew you really weren't fragile. I more so thought that I was putting you in danger that you didn't deserve to be in. You're definitely not fragile now either. You're a force in your own way.

I still remember the pleasant surprise in your voice when I called you from New York. You don't know how much hope it gave me for us, as friends or more. I also remember the loud music and commotion, and now I know it's because Lorelai was celebrating being done with school. And now I understand why it sounded like a house party when it was just the two of you.

I am honored and proud that you purposely broke the rules for the first time for me. I think it suits us well. I more than understand your desire to get away, and take a break from the monotony, and just be a little bad. I'm glad it brought you to me. When you showed up at Washington Square Park, it felt like it was always supposed to be that way. Like we had a plan to meet, but maybe subconsciously that's what I was hoping for when I called you and told you where I go to read every day. Perhaps that's why I wasn't the least bit shocked to see you. Happy, thrilled, positively smitten - yes. But not surprised. It was nice to share with you the places that were more of a home to me in the city than my mother's apartment. It was my best attempt as a closed off punk to let you see me. And it was worth it to see your big, excited eyes take everything in and hear your continuous ramblings about this and that. Tell me, now that you're a real New Yorker, do you eat on the subway?

When we said our final goodbyes, you on the bus and me watching you through the window. The look in your eyes and the emotion in your voice filled me with longing and hope for us. If I had known that you ended up missing Lorelai's graduation for me, in a twisted way that would have fueled my hope even more. Because I know what she means to you. Which means that I must have meant close to as much, even before being in a relationship with you. I can't explain to you what that makes me feel, even now after all we've been through. It will always do something to me in the moments where I can fully grasp how important I am to you (and I hope you feel the same knowing how important you are to me).

The wedding. I heard from Luke that Sookie was getting married that day, and I had to see you. I planned to stay back and just watch from afar. But then you were near me, wearing a dress that almost matched your eyes and hugged hypnotizingly close to your curves. I had to see more of you. And then our eyes met. I hardly remember the words that we exchanged that day. But I do remember the rush of euphoria I felt as you pounced on me and gave in to a desire that we both had been skating around for a long time.

Then you told me not to say anything and ran away. At the time, it didn't bother me that much because I assumed we would see each other after the wedding. But then weeks went by, and I found out you disappeared without saying anything else to me. It hurt. It made me angry. And it made me feel like a guilty pleasure that you didn't want anyone to know about. But I am sorry that my way of mitigating the painful feelings you left me with came in the form of another girl, especially since it sounds like it influenced you into staying with Dean longer. And yes, she was the complete opposite of you as you have pointed out. That wasn't an accident.

I realize now that kissing me at Sookie's wedding scared you. I was somehow a safe space in the sense that I gave you an outlet and the support for what you wanted to become. (Someone who acted more for herself and her own happiness rather than please others.) This change in you I think made you feel like you were hurting other people - Dean, your mom, your grandparents, maybe Lane. And I somehow became the symbol for that. I believe that's why you didn't write me or try to communicate with me all Summer. You were afraid, of who you wanted to be as well as our obvious connection. I understand that now.

You don't know how much I appreciate your distinctions between me and Dean without directly comparing us. I know that is something that you must have worked on. The way that you have centered yourself here as the changing part of the equation is really significant, Rory. Do you realize that you've done this? Do you recognize your strength? Some people will pay for therapy their whole life and never be able to shift their perspective outside of themselves to see truths that their ego blinds them to. You've done it. The proof is right here. Think about this the next time you don't feel strong, or you feel selfish or don't believe in yourself. Even when you aren't happy with your actions or who you are (and it happens to all of us), you are always capable of change.

Can we agree that the sprinkler incident establishes for good that I'm not a jerk? Okay. Thanks. It was a hard decision. Because on the one hand, I loved that I had fixed a problem for you instead of Dean. It's silly but it made me feel reliable and useful, which is not something I was used to feeling. (Even now I know that I am these things, because I worked hard to be them, yet I still have moments of doubt). I would have loved to stand there and wait for him to arrive, to see that I did that for you, and see us both soaking wet (and checking each other out - yes, I know you were looking at me in a whole new light. You blushed every time I saw you for weeks after that.)

But on the other hand, from experience with him (like the night you were home alone, and I brought you a care package), I knew that if Dean found that out he would have been an asshole to you when you did nothing wrong. It wasn't worth making me feel good if it meant that it would end up with you feeling bad. Nothing is worth that.

It's interesting to read these details about your sexual relationship with Dean before me. Or I guess I should say lack thereof? What a waste for him to have a woman like you and not know what to do with it. You deserved passion and lust. You deserved to feel like the most irresistible girl in the world, because you were (and still are) to me. I hope I make you feel that way now too.

Dean was a jerk at the dance marathon. An asshole even. However, and it wounds me to say this, if it weren't for him, how long would you have continued to dance around your feelings for me? (Pun intended for levity.)

It's interesting, I just realized that both times we started dating, it was preceded by something...difficult. Dean breaking up with you and yelling at you in front of most of Stars Hollow. And this time…well you know what you've been through. What does that say about us? I know I'm not your knight in shining armor, you never needed that. And it's cruel to think that tragedy is necessary for our love to make sense. But maybe it means something good, like we were making mistakes by not being together, or that the shit we've been through has brought us closer and we get to have a more meaningful relationship. I don't know. Maybe it means nothing. Just know that I will always comfort you when you need it. Like on the bridge. And like on Luke's couch. Do you know how much comfort you have brought me just being in my life? It's immeasurable, Rory.

How do I describe to you the feelings it gave me to finally be with you? It felt...unreal, it felt intoxicating and euphoric. And I admit, very smugly, it felt triumphant. For a moment, it did make me feel deserving of you because how could I have got you otherwise? It was a surprising, but nice, feeling to think I was allowed to have a love like yours. And I don't mean love as in the "I love you, I love you too" sense. I mean your loving nature. Receiving your care, attention and affection was incredible. I had not experienced such a gentle, nourishing love before. I truly wish I had expressed this to you in words then, instead I tried to show you in other ways.

Reading your descriptions of our physical relationship is something I didn't know I wanted. Knowing that I was able to make you feel these things for the first time is giving me a bit of an ego. It makes sense, I knew you were inexperienced. It was a small part of your entire appeal to me. I just didn't realize how significant it was to you. I guess because all of my experiences with girls before you weren't really anything special. But with you it was, for me too. I'm happy you felt the same way. You trusted me with you then, and you trust me now. Thank you. It's an amazing feeling, especially knowing all that your beautiful body has been through this past year. I will never take the privilege for granted.

I've been told that you would add electrifying to the description of our physical relationship. And I promised you that I would tell you how I would describe it when it came to me. Try not to puke from the syrupy crap you're about to read.

Being with you: the celestial energy, the supple warmth of your body inside and out, the ethereal looks and sounds of you feels like catching something elusive. I had a hard time letting the light in, especially yours. My world was dark for so long that it became all I knew. It wasn't safe but it was comfortable. You tried to show me a way out, or at least a well-lit refuge. I resisted it, was almost afraid of it - it was so unfamiliar to me. But being with you now…it feels like finally letting the light in, all of it built up over time and flowing throughout me with every touch and every kiss.

To put it a little less cheesy: It feels like a sunny spring day after a long, dark winter. And we're eating ice cream. In cones.

Okay, okay I have more to say. Because thinking about having sex with you, making love to you, doing things to you, inspires me. It's no secret that we both have slept with other people in our lives, but the intimacy I feel with you is brand new to me. I think you feel it too. Every touch reaches my heart, and every carnal sound feels like a hit of dopamine. Knowing I can make you feel that uninhibited, that you trust me that much to not hide anything from me, it's the greatest high.

I got the black eye from a swan. Please don't ask me any questions about that, it's the truth.

That dinner was rough. And while I appreciate you taking responsibility and realizing that your trust issues made things a lot worse, I didn't make it any better or easier for you. I was frustrated at being late because I knew the dinner was important to you. And the lateness was beyond my control. Then, I met your grandmother. And I knew immediately it was a bad thing she was being nice to me at dinner. Because I know it meant she didn't consider me a serious contender for you and that upset me more. I could have just explained to you both what actually happened, or been generally friendlier (can you imagine me being friendly at that age? Didn't happen with anyone but you). But to be honest, I was angry. In general, I was an angry kid and in this particular situation too.

Part of my anger and frustration was from the knowledge that I wasn't good enough for you. That moment I mentioned earlier of feeling deserving of you was over by this point. It was very brief, to be truthful. I knew I wasn't good enough for you, but I was selfish and wanted you anyway. Those two contrasting truths butt heads in certain situations, like having dinner with Emily. Rory, I was surrounded by physical evidence that I wasn't right for you. The house, the food, Emily's clothes, the maid, the painting, the general air of fucking high society righteousness. It was a huge punch to my ego, and an unnecessary reality check. But the way I handled it was not right.

Obviously I can no longer lie and say that I wasn't invested in your choice for college for selfish reasons. Yes, I looked it up. Your sweet excitement at that gesture alone made the embarrassing aspect of it worth it. In the back of my mind, I always kind of knew our paths would have to part because our futures looked different. However, sometimes I let the hopeful thoughts lead me into dreamlands of our future where we stayed together through college. I would have taken you on dates, pulled all-nighters with you or at least provided you with plenty of caffeine. I would have read all of your work and happily watched you grow and bloom as an adult. It was indulging in these thoughts that lead me to the very basic research of the distance between Stars Hollow and Yale. Though even if you had chosen Harvard and we had stayed together, nothing could have kept me away.

The not being good enough for you thing rears its ugly head again. But this time it was all my fault, I knew I screwed up past fixing with school, with Luke and soon with you. I was an ass from the start that night of the party. I'm sorry (bear with me, it will be the first of many apologies). I was raging at myself, mentally punishing myself with self-hatred and obsessive thoughts of everything I could and should have done better. I didn't want to be surrounded by people that were doing things right, going to school like they're supposed to and being little hometown heroes, not working too many hours at a stupid job and skipping too much school and ruining their relationships.

I was a mess inside. I'm sorry for disappearing when all you asked of me was to watch your best friend's band play with you. I had to be alone to continue berating myself.

I regret everything about the party. But I don't necessarily regret the things I did that caused me to flunk out and run. You have to understand, I had been let down by every person in my life at that point, besides you and Luke. But given all my past experiences, it felt like I was just biding time until it happened with you too. I fulfilled my own idiotic prophecy by playing right into it. I thought that I was doing the right thing though, Rory. I really did. I knew that if I could build myself a life that wasn't dependent on anyone else, that I would be okay. But I didn't factor you in, or just how strongly I would feel about you.

I didn't plan to run away. I didn't have much of a plan at all, but running away did not cross my mind until after the party and after my father showed up after eighteen fucking years. It's important to me to make that clear. That I was not putting moves on you in that bedroom at that party knowing that I would be disappearing on you. It was never my intention to take your virginity and bolt. It's massively important to me that you know that, especially reading your words about that night now. You've written about this moment as a pivotal point for me and my life, you somehow show understanding of my motives and my actions that I don't deserve. I want to be deserving of it, and I know it's not enough, but please know: I was not trying to have sex with you just to leave you.

Now I have to try and explain why I did it. Even though it's clear that you already understand that. But let me try and do it for both of us. Your astute descriptions of my frenetic energy that night both impress and sadden me. You could so clearly see that something was going on beyond you and me. You understand me so well. I wish I had the capacity then to let you in, rather than throw it back in your face and run as you said. But I was scared, Rory. I was scared of the fact that I didn't have any clear answers or plans. I was upset that I screwed up taking you to the prom. I knew you were so excited to go with Lane. I am so sorry. I wish I didn't take that experience away from you. You absolutely deserved to have a fun night out dancing with your best friend and I wanted so badly to make that happen. I felt like such a failure. I was afraid of the future. I was afraid of the past, that I did everything wrong that I thought was right. But that night I was mostly afraid of losing you. I knew it would happen eventually one way or another, and it was destroying me inside. Which festered into frustration, and anger, and then finally - desperation. I could feel it in my bones, how desperate I was to have something to offer you. I think you could feel it too. And also how desperately I wanted to let you in, to be someone that could share with you and let you help me figure things out, or even just listen to me. But I couldn't. I wasn't that person yet. I still struggle sometimes to be that person now. All of these things came to a head and the only thing I could think of that might solve a couple of those problems was to try and make love to you. It was something I could offer you that you didn't have. It was something that (I thought) could bring us closer. It was a way for me to show you how deeply I feel for you without words.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that is the only solution my fucked up brain came up with. I'm sorry for being a jerk to you all night and then trying to escalate things in that bedroom, it was so incredibly inappropriate and wrong.

And I'm so sorry your takeaway from our relationship then was that sometimes love is not enough. I'm so sorry because it's true. It's brutally, painfully, sorrowfully true. But I didn't want to be the person that showed you that. I wanted to show you how much I loved you, because I did love you Rory, you realize that, right? I loved you so much that I knew I had to get out of your life before I did any more damage. The opportunity came with Jimmy and…I just had to leave Rory. I couldn't watch myself wreck your life anymore, I couldn't stand not being able to communicate my feelings to you, I couldn't continue to be selfish and be with you because I was not good enough. I know that you understand these things now, it's clear in your writing. I still needed to explain it all to you, to help me get past it so I can be a good partner to you without the ghosts of our past haunting me. Thank you for understanding and thank you for listening to me.

When I first read these beautiful proclamations you wrote for me, I was sitting in the kitchen in your mom's house. Right outside the bedroom where we met and slept together just the night before. There are no words to describe how they made me feel but I knew immediately that I wanted to make sure you know that I love you too. It didn't go as planned, as you know. But here's what I was feeling and what I wanted to say to you:

I feel the same way. I want to be central to your life plot and for our storylines to be connected for the rest of our lives. I want to always be present in some way for every single thing you experience, and I want the same from you. Even when you're on the other side of the world, doing your dream job, I'm going to be there because I know I will be on your mind, and you will be on mine. You will always hold a space in my head and my heart, whether I'm editing a novel or making a cup of coffee or anything else, a space is reserved for you. I will feel you there when you're physically not, and I know you will feel me too. We are so beautifully and intricately connected. Because yes, we are meant to be together. And I can't explain what it does to me to know that you see what I've felt between us all these years.

We've nurtured our love by being apart, by giving ourselves enough time to come back to this. Just like you said. It's profound. It was not easy, for either of us, I know. But easy wasn't ever really our thing anyway.

I love you, Rory. I love you when you're happy, when you're sad, when you're angry or hurting. I love you when you're doing your best, and I also love you when you make mistakes. I love you when you're naked in my arms and when you're crying in my arms. I love you when you give yourself to me completely, physically and emotionally. And I love you when you hide and need space. I love you when you don't love yourself, and I love you when you do. I love you when you're chasing your dreams, and I love you when you're overwhelmed by them. I love you when you talk about our future, and I love you when you talk about our past.

I love you when you love me, and I have loved you when you didn't.

There is no question when it comes to being together. We belong together.

I love you, Rory. Endlessly and deeply.