A sudden stinging pain brought me to consciousness. Someone...applying burning sap to my limbs. The unpleasant squirm of little...worms?
I lashed out blindly in self defense, but gentle claws held me down. The growling noises I got in response seemed friendly, but concerned.
The stinging turned to a dull throb and a sensation of cool. I relaxed again.
The crackling of a fire. A faint whistling wind stirred the dust and loose gravel with low scritching. Foreign meaty smells wafted into my olfactory organs, reminding me vaguely of crawdad and melted plastic.
A balmy breeze, laden with dust and smoke, washed gently over my exoskeleton.
I lay on animal skins, a thick, rubbery substance, like whale. Ralph, my mouse friend, nuzzled against me, his tiny snores felt rather than heard.
My vision focused.
Evening. The ice moon hung huge in the sky, the stars bright and shining above me. The four armed stranger had a spit set up before me, on a pile of flaming dead plants, an oversized kebab of those pillbug things roasting. A pot of liquid boiled on the coals. As I sat up, the stranger growled something and waved.
The male had set up camp atop a broad, rust orange mesa. In light of my recent experiences, I found the view beautiful but terrifying.
I looked down at myself. I had little maggot-worm things in my wounds, rolling around in sticky orange salve. Other portions of my body had been wrapped in acid resistant bandages, fashioned from vines and other plant materials. It appeared as if the stranger had even treated some wounds I'd received during my harrowing adventures on LV 426.
I and the stranger regarded each other in silence. Starved, I crunched the worm-maggot creatures like popcorn.
Chuckling, the stranger offered me a fried pillbug and a bowl of the boiling stuff.
"Thank you."
The stranger answered me with murmuring, growling noises that reminded me of Lou Ferrigno as The Incredible Hulk.
He found my practice of saying grace before a meal puzzling, attempting communication with more growls. I pointed to the sky, but he misunderstood, pantomiming a spaceship, and an explosion.
With four hands, you can illustrate amazing things. For example, providing a backdrop of planets while you mime piloting a shuttle. I, however, failed to convey the concept of God. He seemed to think I spoke of hatching an egg. Drawing pictures in the dirt didn't help - I'm no artist, he thought I spoke of a king of some nearby country. I gave up and consumed my dinner.
Delicious...but a human wouldn't probably think so. The flavor cannot be described with any sort of comparison, as they do not exist on earth. Tinges of it reminded me of Jelly Belly earwax jellybeans and spoiled yogurt, but not as unpleasant. The soup...strong Vegemite flavor, again, can't comment on the main body of the soup, it doesn't exist on earth.
I devoured the pillbug, guzzled the soup. The male offered me the rest of the insects.
"What about you?"
He pantomimed being full, and drinking the soup.
"Thank you, I sincerely appreciate your kindness." Since he failed to understand, I made bowing gestures to indicate thankfulness.
Night fell as I consumed my repast, and with dusk came the spectral dancing green light of an aurora. We both gazed in silent wonderment of the spectacle.
The stranger owned a small electronic telescope, which he suggested I look through. Although not suited for the shape of my head, I did manage to enjoy a terrific view of the aurora, stars and the ice moon.
He put an arm around me, but I did not mind. Most beings felt repulsed by my appearance, keeping their distance. I found this a welcome change of pace.
I tired of stargazing, returning to my meal.
For a moment, I glimpsed the grubby face of a human child, poking out from behind a boulder, but then a stern female voice barked, "Newt! Get away from there!" and she vanished so suddenly that I wondered if I'd hallucinated.
Once the stranger noticed I'd finished eating, he shoved me backwards on the skins, body pressed to mine, proboscis brushing my mouth.
I experienced a strange mixture of emotions: Excitement, a fear of killing him, a fear of...misreading the signals and being rejected. "Whoa! What...are we...doing?"
The creature purred, gently running a claw down my curving skull.
"Sir, I...don't know what this is, but I'm not sure our bodies are physically compatib—"
The stranger shifted downward, pressing his proboscis into a wound, slurping the crawling maggots like an anteater.
"Th-thank you. Unfortunately, I do not know if this can be considered medical treatment or something of a morally ambiguous—" I shuddered as his proboscis oozed sticky orange glop into the wound. "Sir, I would be careful with your activities. I may become overly enthusiastic and attempt to lay an egg in your chest."
The stranger grunted dismissively and licked out another wound. I squirmed, struggling to fight down my impulses.
When he moved to another wound, I...lost control, wrestling him into the dirt as I extended my egg laying organ from within my mouth.
Ralph squealed in terror of being crushed, hurriedly darting away to watch at a safer distance.
I expected similar fear from the male, but he only shoved me onto my back and wrapped his four arms around me. The egg, dripping slime out the corners of my mouth, settled backwards into my throat. I forced it deeper so I could speak. "Bearing my egg will be the last thing you will ever do. I assure you, you don't want this."
The male rolled me onto the skins, and, to my absolute shock, his head split into three segments, revealing a swelling orifice, just the perfect size and shape for the depositing of an egg. The proboscis extended like a hose from an organ beneath, but his eye and so forth folded back like the lights on a car trunk. It reminded me somewhat of the creature from the Stranger Things program, but sexier.
I sucked the egg back into my body and beat a hasty retreat, my stomach doing flip-flops.
Disgusted, but also...intrigued. "Perhaps...I was incorrect. Perhaps you do want this."
The stranger closed his head, growling at me as he made cautious advances closer to me.
He caressed my face with his claw, gesturing to his head, which cracked open in a slight, suggestive manner.
I placed my claw on his chest. "I'm sorry, this is happening too fast. If my egg doesn't destroy you, I may require your hand in marriage, and I...I am unsure I am ready for that level of commitment with a stranger I have just barely met. For starters, I don't even know your name."
The stranger made a quizzical dog noise.
"I'm sorry, I need to be alone for awhile...I need to pray and think about this." I smiled, caressed his head, and departed from the campsite, the the other end of the mesa.
Although dark, you know my species does quite well without sight. Guided by my other senses, I prayed and contemplated the stranger, getting a strange thrill as I snacked on the maggots left in other wounds.
Long had I sought a safe outlet for my eggs, such as this. Long had I sought the Lord's help on it, but was this truly an answer to prayer, or a spiritual pitfall of some kind?
My first concern: His...organ...may not be adequately suited for a Ss'sik'chtokiwij. The result could be fatal as birthing in a human, or worse, as the larva may not be able to escape his exoskeleton.
Secondly: Was this some form of fornication? Or, worse than that, an unnatural perversion that was never meant to be? A kind of alien bestiality?
I seated myself on the edge of a cliff, staring out at the aurora.
Such a sudden thing. It seemed so perfect, if only we could speak each other's language and discuss matters of faith and proper raising of larva. The rebellious and murderous behavior of my late daughter Esther brought me great sorrow. Such mistakes I did not wish to repeat.
A sudden lightning flash and a gunshot crack. The sound of my new friend mewling in agony.
I rushed to the campsite, only to find the stranger dead, with smoking holes in his skull and chest.
A furry creature, not much more than hair and teeth, sat upon the corpse, licking the holes. I growled and shoved it off.
By the way, in my absence, it seemed the hairy creature had drank all the soup and eaten all the leftovers, bits of shells and legs scattered around it as evidence.
I knelt beside my friend, coughing in grief as I held his claw. This could have been my husband!
The hairy creature licked me frantically, nuzzling against my exoskeleton. I laughed at its hyper antics, despite my grieving heart, petting the thing on the head. "Did you see what did this?"
The creature's grunting could have meant anything.
"Was it lightning, or a woman with a gun?"
Upon hearing mention of the woman, the hairball became agitated, like she had been the culprit.
I sighed sadly. "I have been taught to love my enemy, but this will be no easy feat. This male could have been family to me."
Hairball grunted in agreement.
"I suppose it's fair, the woman has lost much on my account...Well, indirectly for the most part, my family and species...if I had done more to help the human cause, perhaps she would not be so bitter...Still, I don't understand. I helped her fight Grandmother, and save Newt. She put me in an escape pod to save my life! Why would she now hurt me?"
The creature made an `I dunno' sound.
I petted him. "Have you seen Ralph?"
Hairball belched, retched, and, to my dismay, cough mouse bones on the ground.
"Oh well. I was always afraid of rolling over and crushing him to death...or burning him with my acids...I'll miss him, though."
The creature gurgled, as if in sympathy.
I gave a brief eulogy on behalf of the deceased, piled rocks upon his carcass, and lay on the skins, staring at the burial mound, in the light of the fire, until the fire died out.
When I awoke the next morning, I informed the mound of rocks of my departure. "I believe if we meet again in heaven, we shall have a very interesting conversation. Thank you again for your kindness, sir...And the puzzling romantic gesture."
Other than the telescope, the stranger owned few possessions, just a bone necklace, a scroll in some unreadable language, sheathed in a leather carrying container. From that moment forward, I carried the items with me, as a reminder of the time we had together.
I left his skins, cooking pot and utensils were they lay, as I intended to return to stargaze, pay my respects, rest and eat.
I gave the burial mound a thankful bow, wandering away in a random direction. Although saddened by the loss of a potential lover, my newfound freedoms heartened me: No longer did I live in fear of some scientist imprisoning me in order to make experiments upon my brain, or gangs of humans attempting to destroy me. No longer did I even need concern myself with protecting human lives from others of my kind. I could `freely roam about the continent.'
Still dark. I sensed that it was morning, but this world seemed to reach its dawn a lot later than other places. I relied on senses other than visual to traverse the cracked land, singing Venus and Mars, that classic song from Paul McCartney and Wings. I reflected that a "Starship 21ZNA9" would have been very useful at this point.
When the sun rose, I drew a portrait of my lost love in the dirt with my claws and a bone I'd found.
I suppose I should have paid more attention to the scents and animal spoor around the place, for a moment after I set down the bone, something screamed at me.
An animal shriek, like a lion's roar, but combined with the yell of an enraged human man.
A huge rust orange, horned ape figure came thundering across the dusty mesa on its knuckles. Eyeless, it still seemed to know my location, baring a cavernous mouth of pointy shark teeth.
Alarmed, and wishing to avoid conflict, I turned and ran, but the gorilla thing only leapt and tackled me to the ground, battering me with its fists. My telescope shattered.
The monster grabbed the back of my skull, basked my face into the hard, unyielding ground, raised it and brought it down again.
What great sin had I committed to deserve such harsh treatment? I thought.
Tentacles extended from the beast's body, cinching around my neck so tightly that I could feel my exoskeleton cracking.
I knew he'd brained me pretty good when I swore I heard the annoying theme from Candy Crush, and a sparkly ghost version of Ralph appeared on the dusty soil beside me.
[0000]
Quacebs, Book 2, Part 7
[0000]
I stared at the table, my face turning red. "Spread my legs? Really?"
Morgan gave me a stern look. "Really."
Blushing, I climbed up on the brown rubber pads. Still experiencing pain, I didn't spread that far.
"Do we need to use the stirrups?"
I spread them wider. "Why is this necessary?"
Without a word, Morgan dug a spider-like metal contraption out of a cabinet. "We don't want to obstruct the scanner."
It reminded me of a robot from an alien invasion movie. Long mechanical octopus legs, giant eye that crawled up on my lap and looked around like it had thoughts in its head. Morgan controlled the thing with a TV remote looking thing, squinting at a monitor. She frowned in puzzlement. "Can I submit a report to Yunquem about this?"
"What's Yunquem?"
"It's a scholarly information database."
Quana glanced at me. I shook my head no.
"What if I submit it with your name removed?"
Quana nodded, making me feel like I was already married. "Matt, we can use an alias."
I frowned. "Ummm...John...Morris?"
Morgan chuckled. "Taking the surname of her alias. Cute." She adjusted the device some more, furrowed her brow. "Now, this is going to be a bit awkward. I'm going to have to ask you to disrobe."
Would this humiliation ever end? "You can't...scan through my clothes?"
"Well, ordinarily we can, but, well, the scanner is giving me a distorted image. It's difficult to tell what I'm looking at exactly, and I'm hoping the removal of your clothing will give us an unobstructed view of the area."
"I don't know. This...is...weird."
"So are your genitals."
"Relax, Matt," Quana said. "She's a doctor."
"A certified medical doctor?"
"I received my Wubbuc Zuvodni from Raljoz Orwiba. It's a medical school."
"Um...I don't know if a fiancee is supposed to see her...man's private parts before a wedding."
Morgan rolled her eyes, motioning Quana out with her tail. Quana obliged.
"There. Better?"
I sighed. "Ordinarily, I'd say no, but these are unusual circumstances. Turn around, please."
"I'm just going to have to turn back around!"
We stared each other down for a whole minute before I got the nerve to disrobe.
The `doctor' gasped in shock, then took a deep breath, composing herself.
"What."
"This...thing...is a little unusual for a...male of your age. Please, return to your place on the table so I can scan the area for deformities."
Sighing, I took my original position.
Morgan placed the machine on my lap, frowning at the display. "I'm sorry, Matt. She'll want to see this." She raised her voice. "Quana!"
My fiancee stepped in, gave me a glance, then gasped and quickly looked away.
Morgan waved her tail at the monitor. "Quana, come here."
She did so, eyes widening as she viewed the display.
"See that?"
Quana nodded.
"Does that make any sense to you?"
"Not really."
"I thought you were a doctor," I complained in English.
"Oh I am, dearie, but I have to know what species of animal I'm treating before I be of any service."
I craned my head to the side, squinting at the display. Their heads were in the way, but I saw enough to tell it didn't resemble anything I'd seen below my waist before. For one thing, it forked like a tree branch, and a cloud of pulsating spaghetti shrouded the view.
"That doesn't look like anything I've seen in human anatomy textbooks," Quana said.
"But couldn't something become ingrown? There have been cases, like the one in Florida..."
Quana paled. "It's possible, but..." She pointed to a fork in the amazingly detailed three dimensional image. "This doesn't look human at all. It almost looks like a watahi."
"Doesn't this remind you of that charming film about the chest bursting creatures?"
Quana chuckled. "Yeah. It does kind of look like that." She swallowed. "I wish we knew what was going on."
"I think we all do. It's difficult to treat something if you don't know what the disease is." Morgan pushed some buttons on the monitor, scrolling through a menu.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm checking with Zialbi."
I wrinkled my brow. "What's that?"
"It's a medical database."
Quana pointed to the edge of the image. "The exterior husk. What do you make of that?"
"It sort of looks like a nenruf."
Feeling my fur matting to the cushion, I shifted uncomfortably on the pad. "And what, pray tell, is a nenruf."
"It grows on young naruns during puberty."
I groaned. "Wonderful."
"It could be, Matt!" Quana cried. "It just might be!"
Morgan let out a sigh of resignation. "At this point, it's difficult to say what we're dealing with. I dearly hope for the both of you that this isn't some sort of diseased growth, or he might not have much longer to live. The fact that he's not passing urine is a bad sign."
"Still, what if..." Quana bit her lip. "You know."
The `doctor' forced a smile. "In the unlikely event of that happening, and we don't need a catheter, you know as well as I that you're going to need more than just an object that looks like a wumloq to produce offspring."
"What are you saying?" I stammered.
Quana and Morgan gave each other knowing looks.
"Let's worry about that later," Quana said. "We don't even know if you've got the bottom half yet."
"Bottom half! What else do I need?"
"We'll discuss it later. Let's go swimming."
I got off the table.
Morgan scoffed. "Matt, if you get through all this and still live, and the equipment, for the sake of argument, is regulation, you're going to find out just how far your eyes will open, and how far back in your head they can really roll."
"And...that's a good thing?"
She shrugged. "Only if you like or—"
Quana elbowed her.
I blushed. "I think I get the idea." I stared down at my body, trying to understand what was going on down there.
I quickly put my clothes back on, considered mentioning my other problems, like the heat and itching, but figured they didn't know any more about that than the cocoon.
"I have a favor to ask," Morgan said. "Quana, since you have acquired a new servant, I was wondering if he could possibly mow my lawn."
Quana smirked.
"Wait," I groaned. "Don't you have some...alien invention to use instead? Rather than human muscle?"
Morgan and Quana exchanged knowing grins.
"You might not think that after you smell it. It runs on garbage instead of gasoline."
"Like the car in Back to the Future? Cool!"
Regular looking lawnmower, but it came on with the push of a button. Mowing took time, and sweat, but I took care of the areas the professor requested.
Morgan waved her tail at the door. "I'll show you the pool. Make sure you shower before you go in."
I followed her down a pink hallway lined with Indian paintings and cleverly disguised extraterrestrial artwork. A faint, familiar smell hit my nostrils, an odor like grapefruit and airplane glue, like the ponds lined with squirming worms back on Pathilon. The carpet squished beneath my shoes.
I listened as Morgan chattered to Quana about the projects she'd been working on in her absence, Abreya soap operas, and the unrequited romantic advances of the dean of the physics department ("How can I tell him I'm not interested when I ate everything in the fruit basket? I'm so embarrassed!").
We entered a windowless pink room with a large concrete swimming pool. It had a pair of flotation rings, a couple rescue poles, and a large television bracketed to the wall. No lifeguard or lifeguard chair, and no liability sign, not much of a point when so few used it.
"You still got my niadda?" Quana asked.
Morgan nodded. "But I don't know what your fiancee is going to wear. I don't have any briivsnano."
"Leave that to me." Quana tossed me the tiny package from her purse.
Warmth rushed to my cheeks as I stared at the dark folds of fabric inside the pillow shaped package. "Guess I don't have much of a choice, do I?"
The professor laughed. "You make it sound like torture. It's only fabric."
Quana pouted at me. "Would you like to watch TV or something instead?"
"Ummm..."
Morgan pointed to the television. "Why not do both?"
Quana giggled. "I have a feeling I'm going to have something to laugh about for days!"
I paused. "Well..."
The professor rolled her eyes. "Matt, we've seen everything there is to see. There's no use getting bashful about it now!"
Quana put an arm around my shoulder. "C'mon, Captain Matt!"
My face turned a bright red. "Fine, fine. Where's the changing room?"
Morgan gestured to a door.
"Wait, how did you know my size?"
Quana gazed at my chest. "I did a calculation based on your elastic label."
My blush deepened. "Okay..." I stepped inside the bathroom, looking around.
Basically your average bathroom, except for the shower box full of attachments that looked ideal for shampooing a gorilla. Spanish tiles, marble counter tops, brass fixtures, Dial soap. Largely unremarkable.
I closed the door, opening the little package. Basically an alien version of a Speedo. Stretchy narrow front portion, webbed back end with a hole for my tail to go through.
"Well, at least nobody else is here..." I stripped, showered, stared at the swimsuit again. Don't know what I disliked more, the embarrassment, or the body horror. I felt small stabs of pain when I pulled the swimsuit on, but, I mean, what could I really do? They didn't seem to think it anything fatal...
Although they had seen most of me under clinical conditions, I balked at the door, nervously trying to work up the courage to go out for a solid minute or so. I tried to convince myself that they'd already looked at me unclothed, and fur covered most of me anyway, but only when I thought about consummating my marriage did I get enough courage to step back outside.
The girls already swam in the pool, clad in swimsuits resembling little bits of orange-gold seaweed.
Morgan laughed. Quana whistled at me. Embarrassed, I slipped into the pool.
The professor swam to Quana, pointing her tail at me. "Not the sexiest Abreya I've ever seen," she said in Wava. "But who am I to judge?"
My face reddened.
"Admittedly, he's not a macho hunk, and he is kind of scrawny, but I love him anyway."
"Scrawny!" I protested. "You think I'm scrawny?"
Quana and Morgan giggled.
"He speaks Wava."
Quana nodded. "Guep. Fluently."
They laughed again.
"It's okay, kid. Not everyone can win the Gowada competition."
Morgan and Quana burst into laughter.
Having my fill of embarrassment, I crawl stroked across the pool, enjoying the cool water and being out of my hot human clothing.
Quana smiled, swimming alongside me. I stopped at the end wall, gazing at her.
Smirking, Quana plucked a clump of my hair.
"Ow! What did you do that for?"
She grinned. "I think you know."
I scowled. "Do I."
She raised her hands in mock surprise. "`Oh! I didn't know your fur coat was real!'"
I rolled my eyes, remembering the impolite way I'd found out what she was. "Okay, okay. You made your point."
Quana swam closer, pressing her chest against mine. Our noses touched. "Have I," she breathed, curling her tail around mine.
I swallowed. "Maybe?"
She gave me a light kiss on the lips, wrapping her arms around me. "You may not be an ixvoga, but I still find you...yarpom."
"That means sexy, doesn't it?"
She brushed her lips against mine, then pulled away. "Maybe?"
The thing that had replaced the usual equipment between my legs chose this moment to deliver a sensation of searing pain through my body.
I turned and clutched a nearby ladder to keep from drowning, letting out an agonized yelp before regaining composure.
Quana propped her arm up on the pool deck, staring at me in worriment. "Are you okay?"
I breathed through clenched teeth for a moment. "Fine. I'm fine."
"You sure? You don't look okay.
I inhaled again, and I started feeling better. "Yeah."
"Maybe it's a sign." Quana sunk back in the water. "Maybe it's too much excitement all at once. I don't think your body can handle—"
I interrupted her by kissing her on the lips.
"Of course," she gasped. "I could be wrong." She pressed her lips against mine, splitting her tongue into separate wiggling pieces in my mouth.
I returned the favor the best I could, pressing my body closer. She giggled through her nose, kissing passionately, hands exploring the flesh beneath my fur coat.
Instead of reaching down, as I expected her to do, her hands actually drifted upwards, to my chest area, fingers tracing the outline of those itchy bumps I'd been scratching. When her roaming digit traced around the area, and dipped inwards for a brief second, an electric tingle told me it might be something other than a sore.
With my mouth full of tongue, I couldn't ask what she was doing. Whatever it was, it felt good, a stab of pain telling me it was a little too good. I had to fight really hard not to bite her tongue parts off, but figured I would have to accept a little masochism if I were to overcome my problem.
Morgan laughed. "Would you like me to step out?"
My eyes widened. Bad Matt! I mentally scolded myself for letting my body take over without considering the morality of the situation. The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak...
I broke apart from Quana, hot and red faced. "Sorry."
She turned the color of a ping pong table. "No, it's my fault. I shouldn't have..."
"We'll have plenty of time to do that when we're married."
Quana nodded. "It's probably better this way anyway. You're in too much pain. A couple times there I wondered if I were going to come away with my tongue parts intact!"
We both laughed.
She wrapped her arms around me, resting her head on my shoulder. "I hope Morgan's wrong about it being a disease."
"I hope so too."
We broke apart, occupying ourselves with swimming laps across the pool.
As I did the backfloat, Quana swam up to me, moved an arm aside and put her chin on my furry chest. "I love you, Wusu." She wrapped an arm around me. "You really are cute." She continued swimming.
Morgan got out of the water, sitting on the side.
Quana swam up to her. "Are you done?"
"Yes, I suppose." She left for the bathroom.
Quana climbed out and followed her.
I stared at the door. Guess even alien chicks do that kinda stuff. I drifted back across the pool, staring up at the ceiling. Someone had painted the symbol for Bencap on its surface, a picture of a proud Grunkiahu framed in eyeball leaves.
I leaned against the side of the pool, briefly recalling my experiences with the wormy pool at the Takofuea.
After swimming for a few more minutes, and getting quite pruny under my coat, I climbed out and shook my body like an inept dog. It surprised me that I could shake specific segments of my body like other Abreyas. It made me wonder if all the muscle aches I'd been feeling for the last few weeks had something to do with it.
I seated myself on a pool chair, appreciating how my fur coat kept me from shivering in the cool room.
Quana came out of the room, dressed in earth clothes, one arm around Morgan's shoulder. "Done swimming yet?"
"Yeah. I just didn't know if you had another bathroom."
"We do, but it doesn't have a fur drier in it." Morgan waved to the door. "All yours."
I stepped in, searched the room, and poked my head out the door. "I don't see a fur drier anywhere!"
"Here. I'll show you." Quana led me to a cornstalk shaped machine, pushing some buttons. A blast of hot air came out, causing the hair on her arm to explode in a giant puff ball.
I wrinkled my brow. "Right. Thank you."
For a second, I noticed her ogling my mostly unclothed body, but then she turned green and walked out.
After a bit of tinkering, I got the machine to dry me off, coming out with my fur fluffed out like a Persian cat tossed in a dog kennel. I dressed, returning to the pool area, where the two females chatted in deck chairs.
Morgan sighed. "One day, I'll find someone again."
Quana nodded.
I crept up to them, stared at the professor, wondering if I should ask what they were talking about.
My fiancee looked up at me and giggled. "You look like a Yabya bush."
I reddened, patting down my fur the best I could. "You're a genius, professor. I can't believe you actually built all this stuff!"
"Thanks. Actually, I hired someone."
"To...build Abreya things?"
"You'd be surprised what you can do with a good plumber."
Quana stood up, giving me a thin smile. "You ready to find out why we didn't let you get drunk?"
I frowned. "I thought that was just to flush my system for the x-ray thing."
Morgan laughed and shook her head. "You make it sound like a colonoscopy! How barbaric!"
She and Quana exchanged looks. The princess looked away.
I suddenly found the professor's arm being slung around my shoulder. "Whatever happens next, don't get nervous. Our ways are different, so just go with it, okay?"
I cringed. "What are you trying to tell me, exactly?"
Instead of answering, she merely said, "Come with me."
I followed Morgan down the hallway to a small room with two orange couches and soundproofing on the walls. Quana closed the door, and the two females directed me to seat myself.
Quana swallowed, staring at Morgan. "Are you sure about this?"
"Positive. You ever heard of an Abreya marriage that didn't have a Peldib session before the official ceremony?"
"Yes. My marriage with Nabal."
Morgan made a gesture that said, `I rest my case.'
"I don't know..."
"Do you trust me, Quana?"
Sigh. "Guep."
"Then do this. It'll do both of you some good."
Quana took a deep breath. "Matt...I think I only said yes because I spent years on your planet without the companionship of any male of my species. My desperation could have impaired my judgment."
I paled. "What!"
Morgan nodded to Quana.
"What?" Quana repeated, mirroring my shocked expression.
I gawked at her. "Quana! What are you doing?"
Quana sighed, slumped her shoulders, looking frustrated. She mirrored my expression. "What are you doing?"
I sighed. "Look, Quana. This isn't funny. You're telling me you want to call it off? How can you say that after all we've been together, and what we talked about?"
Quana opened her mouth, but Morgan grunted and made a jabbing gesture. The princess closed her mouth again.
I shot her a pleading look. "Please, Quana. Don't you know how much I love you? I've given so much to make this work! We share the same faith, we escaped the palace guards together, and, and, I thought we really had something together. And the way you kissed...I...I never have known a woman's love like that before. Please don't do this to me! Please!"
Morgan made a laughing snort.
I glared at her, turned to face Quana. "Was all that stuff in the pool nothing, or what? Please, Quana. Don't be like that."
Morgan sighed, then nodded to Quana.
Quana paraphrased everything I had just said, copying my expressions and gestures.
I squirmed, scowling at her. "Quana, what the hell is this?"
Morgan gestured to Quana by clasping her fingers together.
Quana nodded.
I glared at Morgan. "What are you doing? Why are you making her do this?"
Morgan smirked. "It's nothing she didn't want to do herself."
"You're poisoning her against me. I resent this, Morgan. I really do. I don't know what game you're playing, but it's petty and cruel."
She didn't reply. She just made the finger clasping gesture again.
"Matt," said Quana. "As much as I admire your faith, you are unattractive, no, you are attractive, but you are not the most attractive Abreya there is. In fact, you aren't an Abreya at all. You are a human, which, (although exotic) is off putting in and of itself, despite your Jesus faith being about a human. He's more than a mere human, besides!"
"Quana!" I protested. "How can you be—"
Morgan gestured to me with a rolling gesture.
With a shrug, I continued. "We had this conversation! At the restaurant! How can you be so shallow! We have feelings for each other! We, I thought what happened between us meant something!"
"Matt!" Morgan shouted, repeating the rolling gesture. "Do you know what this means?"
I frowned. "It means continue?"
"No! It means stop!" She smacked her face. "Were you paying attention to anything I said in Sociology, or were you just tuning me out while you drew pictures?"
I stared. "So, what. I'm just supposed to listen to this?"
"Yes!" She groaned in frustration. "It's like couple's counseling. Shut up and listen to her."
"But we weren't even fighting!"
"I didn't say you were. If you can't be quiet now, you'll be having a lot more sessions like this. Don't blurt things out or edit what she's saying, just listen. Got it?"
I sighed and nodded. "Fine!"
She gave Quana the clasping gesture.
"...Your refusal to listen to me is one more reason why this wouldn't work."
My face turned scarlet as I silently listened.
"As I was saying, you're unattra-well, mostly unattractive. You're human, not an Abreya, though I confess getting a strange thrill from that. Your chest has undeveloped musculature despite it being covered in quayhox...and having, um...something I presume to be brirabwum. Your arm muscles are flaccid and thinly built and..."
Then what was all that talk at the pool? I thought. She seemed pretty attracted to me then! Was that just an act? I didn't want to listen anymore. The idea that her people made a regular practice of insulting the people they love in this way disgusted me.
Still, I didn't know what else to do but bite my lip and wait for her to finish.
"And, and..." Quana seemed to have momentarily run out of complaints.
Morgan snickered.
"And, um, well, anyways, you're whiny. When we were at the Takofuea, you whined about everything." Quana took a deep breath. "Also you're inexperienced."
I shot her an incredulous look. What! Inexperienced! I thought. Didn't she learn anything from what I taught her? A Christian doesn't sleep around to test the field!
"You haven't dated but one or two times at most, and—"
I bit my lip harder. I wanted to say "Wrong! I dated them quite a bit! I just haven't dated that many girls!" But I kept my mouth shut, as instructed.
"Your parents said you only had one girlfriend other than me. I'm worried that you haven't looked around and have just latched onto me because you don't know any others."
I slumped my shoulders. I guess that's true.
"What if we get married and you're miserable because we're not a perfect match?" She swallowed. "Anyways, I...there are some things that make me wonder if this marriage is a good idea."
I shook my head in frustration. Perfect indeed! I thought. Show me the perfect mortal man and woman who has a perfect relationship!
Morgan made the rolling gesture, then nodded to me, making the `go' sign.
"Can I defend myself now?"
"You can, but it's essential to forget about politeness and freely speak your mind."
"What, destroy our whole relationship?"
"You're just doing what she did. Expressing your feelings."
"It's also a good way to lose my fiancee."
"Better now than later. Humans play too many games."
"But it's not a game! Why do I have to dump on her? Can't I withhold my...dislikes and keep her happy?"
"Communication is essential to a good relationship. It's better to face each other's shortcomings now, before the Quisdor goes on your tails."
"And this is coming from someone who doesn't know how to tell an amorous coworker to get lost."
The woman reddened, letting out a ferret growl. It seemed she still disguised her blood color. "Would you like to practice with me next?"
My face flushed hot. I faced my fiancee and swallowed, weighing my words. "Quana. I...I'm sorry you feel that way about me. I love you. And I'll always love you. I know I haven't had that many girlfriends, but I've been on more dates than you realize. That's not important. Not to me, at least. Anyways, I'm sorry." I shook my head. "I had no idea that looks were that important to you. Would it help if I started working out?"
Quana nodded, but Morgan made the stop gesture, clasping her fingers at me
Quana looked at me intently, then mirrored my movements, paraphrasing what I'd just said.
"Stop mimicking me!" I shouted. "That's not funny!"
Quana mimicked me.
I sighed. "That's it. I'm leaving." I stomped to the doorway.
Quana mimicked me, following at my heels.
"You'll have to find your own way home, Quana. Maybe Morgan can give you a ride or something."
"Now it's your turn," said Morgan. "Go ahead, Matt."
I took a step forward, staring at her. "What?"
"It's your turn," she repeated.
"What is this, a game? This is a personal issue about my romantic life and I'd prefer if you'd stay out of it!"
Quana sighed, shaking her head.
Morgan shrugged. "Suit yourself. Let me know when you want to learn emotional patterning again."
"Emotional?" I stared at her.
"I was only trying to teach you to read the emotional patterns of your partner."
My brain short circuited. I just blinked at her. "Emo...?"
I stared at Quana. "Are we still getting married?"
Quana didn't reply.
I swallowed. "So what now. Do I insult her? Or what? I don't get this."
Morgan gently grabbed me by the shoulder. "Matt, the idea here is to read your partner's body patterns, as they react to emotional stress. This allows a married couple to be more sensitive to their partner's feelings, so you can read them when they're hurting or what they're feeling like. This will be important once you're married."
"Why didn't you explain this before?" I stared at her. "I'm still getting married?"
"It's a compatibility test. If you can't survive this, then maybe you shouldn't get married."
"So...I'm supposed to insult her."
"Would you do that if you were upset with her?"
"No..." I paused, lost in thought.
"Basically, just be brutally honest with her. Tell her what you think about her, including all her shortcomings, but omitting the positive things. Threaten her with the worst thing you can threaten her with. Then, when she gets upset, copy her gestures and imitate her until you get the sense of the feeling right."
I scowled. "This seems insulting."
"You'll learn a lot. Trust me."
"You want me to hurt her feelings."
"Not intentionally. Just express what's on your heart. If your relationship is sound, you will still be together when this session is over."
"So I'd better pray that it's sound." This little exercise seemed like a lot of rubbish to me, but the communication thing seemed like a good idea. "So...just go ahead and dump on her?"
"Guep."
Shuddering, I locked eyes with Quana, opening my mouth. "Quana, you're right. I should play the field. I...probably shouldn't have proposed. I probably should cancel this wedding. You're an alien. There's no guarantee that we'll be able to have kids."
Quana looked sad.
"I don't really understand how you can kiss me like that in the pool, then say that I'm unattractive." I shook my head. "But whatever. First, there's a trust issue. Then there's your chaotic behavior. You're reckless. To the point of almost killing me. There's numerous times that I feared for my life because you were doing something foolhardy and dangerous. You made me come to your planet. You forced me to sneak out of the palace—"
Quana looked ready to contradict me, but just bit her segmented tongue.
"And then you made me starve and stay at that alien monastery until I got alien stuff in IV form and ate alien food, and because of that I'm a freak. I resent that I went with you on your little trip. You messed up my schooling, you told me stuff that wasn't true to trick me into going places I shouldn't have gone, and you're planet's full of freaky, nasty stuff that can kill me or make my life miserable. You lied and said I wouldn't get put in a zoo, and that's exactly where I went. And, kind of a jerk move, using my new job as an excuse to make me mow that huge yard.
"You said I was inexperienced in terms of dating. That's true. Unfortunately, thanks to you, I can't get any more human dates, so I'm stuck with dating whatever alien I can find. You have the only spaceship I have access to, so no other females for me anywhere except Dista, and..." I decided to stay on topic. "And I don't like her. I could have done a lot better. In fact, my family would appreciate it if I stayed here with them anyway."
Morgan made a gesture for her to speak.
Quana made a snorting laugh, then stopped herself. "I'm sorry, Matt. I didn't mean to put you in all that danger...But if it's any consolation, I think it's made you a better male."
I mirrored her expressions, repeating what she said. "Ugh! I can't believe I said that!" I groaned.
Morgan gave me a scolding glance.
"Sorry." I shut up.
"I'm sorry you feel that I caused your mutation," Quana sighed. "I'm sorry what you see as my recklessness is such a concern to you. It's part of who I am, and I'm not really sure how I can fix it."
I mirrored her.
"If you really love your planet so much, I can let you have your way. I'm sorry I can't put you back to normal, though. You humans do complain too much, though. I didn't have nearly as many things to say about you."
I sighed, copying her.
Quana stared at me. "Is that all you have?"
Morgan nodded to me.
I shrugged. "Well, if you're going to swell up to the size of your mother, I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to marry you. And, I, um..." I couldn't think of what else to say.
"What!" Quana shouted. "You have a lot of nerve! What kind of male are you? What kind of Christian are you? How can you be so conditional? You judge a female just because she goes into gestation! I'll have you know that there are many males that, unlike you, appreciate a female of that size and shape!"
I slumped my shoulders a minute, then mirrored her.
Quana pouted. "Are we done now?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
Morgan clapped. "Excellent! You both did a great job!...Now, for a bit of coaching...Both of you have unrealistic expectations in regards to body image, possibly due to various ideals presented by the media. Both of you will need to open your eyes to make this marriage work. Now compliment each other."
I rolled my eyes. "Seriously?" But then I gave Quana an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry for what I said. I'm probably wrong anyway. I really do complain too much. I find you unbelievably sexy and I don't care if you're the only other girl I've dated. I bet you'll even look good when you get to egg laying size."
Quana chuckled, turning green. "Even though you're not an ixvoga, or a hunk, you're a cute little Wusu, and your loving heart shows me how wonderful the love of Jesus is." She kissed me on the lips, splitting her tongue in my mouth. "Your insults really stung," she giggled. "I'd hate to see what happens when you get angry."
"Oh shut up and kiss me some more."
She did.
I pulled back a bit. "Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that part. Unlike me, you're always good at expressing—"
She kissed me again.
"Okay you two," Morgan groaned. "Get a room or wait until the wedding."
Red and green in the face, we broke apart.
"We should go."
I nodded. "Yeah. My folks have a space trip. Maybe I'll also get a second opinion on my medical problem."
"Speaking of which, can you take some materials back to Pathilon and refill this supply list?" Morgan handed Quana a piece of paper.
"I'd love to."
"Ah, good. Hopefully this won't take too long."
The professor led us to a side room occupied by cages, boxes, computers, and racks of vials, test tubes and beakers.
Morgan gestured to the items. "Here you go."
I gaped at the mess. "What do you mean, `Here you go'?"
"I want you to send back all of it, or at least, as much as you can fit in Supica. I've been storing up these things for months."
"You can't be serious."
"Obviously not the desks or tables or the computers, but everything else."
I shook my head in disbelief. "What are we supposed to do with the animals? Surely you don't expect us to feed and maintain them all for...however long they need to be carried!"
She put her hands on her hips. "Don't you have gogibis?"
"It still seems really complicated. We're going to have to feed them and who knows what else until we actually get there."
Morgan thrust a big bag of guinea pig pellets into my hands. "This will help!"
I rolled my eyes. "Doesn't your planet have customs? Won't introducing guinea pigs to your planet cause disastrous things to happen in the ecosystem?"
"They're going to special closed labs to be studied for cancer antidotes."
I furrowed my brow. "Fine."
Quana grabbed a guinea pig cage, stepping out of the room.
Sighing, I grabbed a few tools and followed her.
After an hour, we had all the materials loaded, the car full. Morgan and Quana shook tails and hugged. "Good luck on your journey. I hope you find your answers."
"I hope so too."
Morgan hugged me before I could properly react. "Matt, thank you for all the work you did on the yard, and helping me with all this lab equipment." She smiled. "Goodbye, you two. Good luck on the marriage. And keep practicing Peldib."
Quana nodded. "We will!"
I gulped at the implications.
We bid Morgan farewell, getting in the car.
"Quana," I muttered as I drove down the freeway. "You really felt that way about the way I looked, didn't you?"
"Yeah. But that's okay. I said—"
"What if I work out?"
She grinned. "It couldn't hurt. But it's not required. I still love you. Remember what Morgan said: We're clinging to unrealistic body types, and we really need to open our eyes."
I smirked. After a long pause..."I'm going to try hard to be the man you want me to be."
She put her hand on my arm. "You already are."
Despite the clean cage and ample supply of food and water, the guinea pig squeaked loudly every couple minutes, which really got on my nerves. I was glad we decided against taking the parakeet, the weak and helpless fish, and the chinchilla.
We returned to Supica, loading the supplies into the store room.
Once everything got loaded in, Quana fed the pig a carrot and it calmed down a little.
We returned to the car.
"Quana, I'm confused. Morgan seemed a little...unsurprised at all my changes, as if she had seen something like that before."
"She's a scientist. Plus, I told her about everything before we came over. I've sent her video. Believe me, when she first found out, she was speechless, a rarity with her. She just stared at the screen and asked me if it were a joke."
As I thought about it a little more, I realized that the woman had been staring at me quite a bit, but she'd quickly look away and pretend to be doing something else when I noticed her doing it.
We arrived at Camille's house.
Okay, so both humans and Abreyas have urinary systems, and I'd been trying to ignore mine as long as possible due to this medical problem. Unfortunately, at this point, I had a desperate need to make use of it.
A moment after Camille let me in her house, I rushed upstairs to the bathroom.
You probably don't want to hear what I say next, so I'll keep the details to the minimum. What I've mentioned previously disgusted you enough to wish you never started listening to me at all.
I'll spare you the graphic details. Suffice to say that I removed the cocoon thing, and...a part of my body fell off...that shouldn't have.
It made me violently sick, as you might imagine.
If you saw what it looked like, you'd understand this is not something you can put on ice and reattach.
I'd been walking around in the heat, for hours, while...it...decayed.
Worse, a mutant growth had emerged from beneath, possibly explaining the complete and total castration:
A curving mound of flesh, a swollen pair of green lips on either side, with pink nubs projecting from the lower portion of the mound. I could barely tell if I were male anymore.
I'll briefly summarize the gross-out details by saying I managed to pass urine, through the pink nubs. I would never be able to use a urinal again.
"Matt!" Camille called. "Are you all right in there?"
"Fine," I moaned, rubbing my face. Although anything but fine, I didn't want the family doctor bumbling around and making things worse. If the professor didn't know what was going on, who would?
I concealed the evidence the best I could, letting my worried mother into the bathroom.
"Matt! What's going on in here! Are you sick?"
I swallowed. "Um...kinda?"
Camille frowned, giving me that `I'm going to take you to the doctor' look.
"Mom...something just...fell off my body."
She paled. "I'm guessing you're not talking about an arm or a leg."
"No. And I still have my tail." I demonstrated by curling my tail tightly around my waist.
"Do I want to know?"
"I...don't think so."
I explained the whole thing to her. She nearly lost her lunch when I showed her what I'd put in a cup of water.
"Well at least you didn't flush it. You would have stopped up the toilet. Remember that time you were a kid, and thought it would be funny to flush a toothbrush?"
"Yes," I groaned.
"We need to get you to a doctor, pronto."
"You wouldn't say that if you saw what I grew underneath."
Camille rolled her eyes. "Try me. You know I used to do home health."
When I showed her, she winced. "Oh my God, what is that?"
"I think it's a wumloq...Uh...it's what aliens use to make babies...I think...And...go to the bathroom...I know it looks bad, but maybe I'm okay."
She scowled, giving me a look like I were one of her patients.
At last, she said, "I hope you're right. Anyways, let's put that thing in the freezer until we figure out what to do with it."
She took a look in the trash, then swore softly when she opened the bag. "Matt, what the hell am I supposed to do with this!"
"I don't know, mom! You think we can burn it without making it smell?"
She rubbed her face, then washed her hands when she realized what she was doing. "Just put it out with the garbage. I can't think of anything better...Are you going to live?"
"I hope so!"
"Do you feel weak? Any heart problems?"
"Not really."
"Not really! Does that mean yes or no?"
"Yes, I mean, no, I'm fine. I feel okay. It feels like the time I grew a tail, that's all." I worried it wasn't that simple, but felt I had to say something to calm her down.
I put the cup in the freezer, stowed the trash bag when I thought about the CIA.
"Matt! What's going on!" Quana cried when I came back to the living room.
"Uh..." I lowered my voice to barely a whisper. "Um...something fell off me...um...I'm no longer male...at least not in the human sense."
Quana paled. "Can...it be reattached?"
"No."
"Is this...going to cause medical problems?"
"I don't know, Quana. I think...whatever I've got is...functional. I...can...go...sorta." I paused. "What does that wumloq thing look like?"
Quana's face took on a greenish cast. "It's...bifurcated. When a male...um...gets excited, they pop out of the two openings. Waste fluid comes out of little holes in the base...(This is so embarrassing, having such a frank discussion about the flowers and the trees, and we're not even married)...Does this help any?" She leaned in closer, face betraying sudden excitement. "Is that what you have?"
I frowned, too embarrassed to reply.
She picked up a pen and a pad of paper beside a phone, drawing a cartoon diagram of my...new appendage.
I sighed in relief. "I...think that's what I've got."
"Really?" Quana's blush deepened. "You're absolutely certain?"
I found myself blushing too. I stared at the diagram. "Ummm...eighty percent certain?...Should we check with Morgan again?"
Quana stared at me for a full minute. "We really should. Just to make sure nothing's wrong."
Giving my mother a half truth about "Seeing the doctor", I grabbed the half frozen glass and the trash bag, getting back in the car.
Quana insisted that she drive. I did sit rather uncomfortably in the driver's seat.
I smacked my lips together and frowned. "You got any gum? I...got a bad taste in my mouth."
"What?" She nearly wrecked the car. "Please tell me that you didn't—"
"N-no!" I stammered. "Gross! No! I only meant, I hurled, you know, got sick!"
"Oh. Of course." Wrinkling her nose in disgust, she handed me a white cube. "Here."
I chewed it, grimacing at the flavor, kind of like spoiled tuna, chocolate and tofu hot dogs. I endured it only because it tasted a fraction better than vomit.
"I know of some instructional materials, but I don't have them with me. I really wasn't expecting something like this. Maybe I can download some later."
"I don't get it. If I've grown anything, it shouldn't be...functional. I mean, it just showed up, right?"
"You were unconscious a lot. Things could have happened."
"How could I not notice that much change going on down there?"
"I don't know, Matt. Maybe the major part happened while you were traveling space asleep?"
A few minutes later, we arrived at Morgan's house. Although busy working on a project in the lab, Quana's call about a medical emergency brought her to the door quickly.
When I handed Morgan the cup and trash bag, she wrinkled her face. "Great. Right after I'd eaten lunch...And what, pray tell, do you want me to do with this?"
"I don't know! Study it? Incinerate it? If I put it out with the trash, I'll have the FBI knocking at my door!"
Although she seemed annoyed at first, her expression turned to concern when she noticed how worried I and Quana looked, and how anxiously Quana squeezed my hand.
The professor donned a pair of gloves, depositing the items in a biohazard freezer. "Although I have no real use for the human organ, it would be interesting to study what exactly happened underneath to make it fall off...Matt, have you tried any...experimentation?"
I blushed. "What?"
"Have you touched yourself? Tried to see if it does what it's supposed to do?"
My face felt like it were going to burn up. "Good Lord, really?"
"Yes, really. If it has no nerve endings, if it doesn't work, then we have a serious problem. Otherwise, you'll discover...dopamine." She sighed in annoyance. "Fine. Since you're already here..."
She asked me to strip, as before, setting the spider machine on my lap to scan the area.
"Perfect," she muttered.
Morgan brought Quana in. "As far as I can tell, he's got a normal wumloq. No blockages, tumors or deformities. Do you know how long it's been since I've seen a healthy wumloq? Are you trying to depress me?"
"Sorry." Quana blushed green. "But there's no use taking my future in lawyers to see mom if...you know."
"It's in laws," Morgan laughed. "The muscles and organs are all where they're supposed to be. You're welcome to test it."
Shrugging, Quana set the spider machine on the floor and threw her arms around me, exploring my mouth with her tongues.
In response, the bumps on the organ between my legs exploded outwards, a pair of bulb tipped tentacles bursting out.
"Like I said," Morgan groaned. "Normal."
Quana's hands slid up my legs as we kissed. She pushed me down on the rubber cushion, climbing up on the footrest.
"C'mon, you guys! Not on my table!"
"What!" Quana blurted. "I'm fully clothed!"
"Yes, but for how long?"
Blushing, we broke apart.
I quickly pulled my clothes back on.
"Sorry," Quana muttered. "I didn't really intend to commit fornication, I just wanted to see if the equipment worked."
"Sure you did," Morgan groaned.
I turned a deeper shade of red. "I was just testing it too."
Morgan burst out laughing. "You're a couple of prudes!"
Momentarily no longer concerned about my weird biology, we bid the professor farewell.
"Sorry for all the trouble, Worbsova," Quana said. "I really can't thank you enough for all your help."
"We're even," said Morgan. "You can't imagine how hard it is to work on some of these projects without a good Withuk or Ramjoid module."
"Anything for a friend."
They hugged and said dusaq to each other.
As we went out the door to the car, Morgan kept giving Quana advice on who to give the scientific materials to, what to say, what to do with them. I didn't know how she'd remember it all, until she mentioned the communicator.
Dusk had fallen by the time we arrived at Camille's block. When we got there, we found a Chrysler minivan parked behind Mom's Lincoln.
"That car wasn't there before," Quana observed.
"Yeah. It's my aunt's." I chewed my lip, thinking, I sure hope they didn't bring that brat along.
I rang the doorbell, and a twelve year old blonde boy answered. In a powder blue dress.
"Pinocchio! What are you doing here?" The boy stared at Quana. "Teaching her to mooch off Aunt Camille like you?"
I bristled at the commentary. I especially hated it when people made fun of my nose. "I can't believe you're making fun of me right now, Miss Funkhauser."
"You're just jealous because I can peek into the girls' stalls any time I want! It's called transgender. You'd understand if you were up with the times, instead of..." He looked up something on his phone. "...Going to a synagogue to learn how to tell lies...and make your nose bigger...you...dumb kite."
I refused to correct the kid's racial slur, silently thanking God for autocorrect. "Bet you wouldn't be so clever if you didn't have that phone."
"I'd still be smarter than your dumb ass." The boy changed the subject. "Why are you wearing those winter outfits? Aren't you hot? You sick or something?"
"Yeah. Are you really wearing that to sneak into the girls' room, or did you switch sides?"
"I don't know, how much did you pay that girl to pretend to be your girlfriend, fairy?" The boy slammed the door in my face.
"Rude," I muttered.
Quana laughed. "He seems interesting...Why did he call you a kite?"
I could only groan in annoyance. "It's racist slang. I don't know what it means. I don't think he does, either."
The door opened again, this time by Camille, and a portly, middle aged woman in tan slacks, a fancy black blouse, and a glittering belt. The boy crept up beside them.
"Matt, you remember Aunt Louise, don't you?"
I nodded, trying to hide my disgust.
Quana offered her hand. "Hi. I'm Quana. Sarah."
Louise shook her hand.
"It's Quana Falcameer," I said. "She just goes by Sarah because it's easier for people to remember."
Quana's cheeks turned a bit green. "Old habits die hard."
"That's a weird name." The boy wrinkled his nose. "You smell funny."
Quana gave me an embarrassed grin.
I shrugged, not in the least bit amused. "Louise, I didn't know you had a daughter."
Louise scowled, showing no sign of mirth whatsoever. "My child has the right to be any gender they choose to be."
"Actually, they can't. It's not a law, it's simple biology." And having grown a wumloq recently, I thought. I know this from experience. It's not like I chose to have my thing fall off.
"I wouldn't expect someone with an intolerant mind such as yours to understand. Suffice to say Randy has chosen a feminine gender, and you will respect that."
I silently mimed `seriously?' to Mom.
"Dear," Camille replied. "Be nice. It's Randy's choice."
I just rolled my eyes. Under my breath, I muttered, "More like the school district's."
Louise gestured to Quana's outfit. "It's rather hot for that, isn't it?"
Quana shrugged. "I think I may have come up with something."
"Come down," I prompted.
"Right. I came down with something...But don't worry. It's not contagious."
"Does it have anything to do with you being an alien?" the boy asked.
I frowned.
"Actually, yes, little boy." Quana knelt down to look him in the eyes. "I come from a very cold planet, and my blood is made of Freon."
"You mean like the stuff that goes into refrigerators?"
Quana shrugged.
Remembering her thumbing through one of my science fiction novels, I just shook my head and didn't say anything.
"Wow! Neat! Can I see your spaceship?"
Quana glanced at Matt, but I mouthed the word `no.'
"Um, we're actually fumigating it right now. It's full of critters. We don't...want them to eat you, now do we?"
The look on Randy's face said he wanted to see an alien monster, even if it ate him.
I added unpleasant touches to the lie: "Hey, if you enjoy itching lice, and bedbugs..."
Just mentioning it made the kid's eyes bulge. He unconsciously scratched himself.
Quana smiled. "Maybe some other time."
Camille shot me a worried look. "Matt, speaking about gender issues, can I speak to you in private for a minute?"
I followed her into the kitchen.
"Did you get your problem resolved? You know...down there?"
I swallowed, glancing over my shoulder to see if Randy were eavesdropping. "Yes, Mom." I fumbled for the words. "Uh, let's just say my fiancee and I seem perfectly suited for laying eggs now, but, um, the normal type of babies are out of the question."
Mom shuddered. "But you're healthy, right? You're not going to die on me or anything, are you?"
"Not that I'm aware of."
"That's a relief." She hugged me. "Want a drink or anything?"
"No mom, that's okay."
She marched back out to the foyer.
Quana, Matt's aunt, and the boy sat in the living room, chatting amongst themselves.
"I don't really believe in aliens," Louise said. "But I'm not going to judge you for your taste in entertainment. If you both love Star Wars and everything and like to dress up, it's none of my business."
I grimaced, deciding it best for her to keep believing that. Your son is also into cosplay, I thought.
"Mom," said the boy. "Can I get San Antonio Crime Boss Four?"
"You'll have to ask your father."
"What's Crime Boss Four?" Quana asked.
"It's the one where you steal cars and shoot hookers!"
Quana frowned. "Oh."
"Camille and I were just discussing the fact that we need a babysitter," said Louise.
I stared. "What!"
"Just a few hours. Louise and I are going out. We think it would be too boring for Randy, so I'd like you to watch him."
"What are you going to do?"
"Oh, we're going to Starlight theater and watch a play, maybe go shopping after we eat somewhere."
"That sounds like fun," said Quana. "Can I come along?"
Louise and Camille glanced at each other. The look Louise gave Quana indicated she didn't care for Quana's company, perhaps due to the transgender comments. "It's probably sold out by now. Besides, tickets cost extra at the door."
"Oh." She sighed. "What are you seeing?"
"It's an updated version of Midsummer's Night's Dream. It's really elaborate, from what I've heard, but it's not the Wizard of Oz, so I don't think Randy will go for it."
Randy made an ugly face. "Shakespeare is boring."
I gave Louise a sidelong glance as I spoke to the boy. "And you watch The Lion King."
"No I don't. That movie is gay."
"And this is coming from a...kid wearing a dress."
Randy consulted his phone. "I can say anything I want about my own people."
"So you're saying you're gay, which means you actually like watching The Lion King."
"Shut up, Kite!" Then, remembering he had an audience, "I mean, big nose!"
"We'd love to sit on him," said Quana. "He reminds me so much of my cousin, Gom."
"Babysit, you mean?"
She nodded.
I gasped. "Quana!"
"What? This could be a learning experience!...For parenting!"
Heat rushed to my face...in anger. I switched to Wava. "Quana, please no. That kid is evil incarnate!"
"We're all sinners, Matt. Maybe we can teach him something."
"Please, Quana. This isn't a good idea."
"And why isn't it?"
I cast Randy's mother a suspicious glance. "I can't talk about this here. Just, please..."
"Wow." Louise chuckled. "You'd swear that they were already married."
Camille burst into laughter.
Louise checked her watch. "Uh-oh. They'll be starting soon."
Camille nodded.
The two thanked Quana for volunteering, happily marching outside.
I narrowed my eyes at the boy as the front door closed. "Great."