Whew. Was this one a doozy, Guys. Definitely let me know your thoughts and feelings at the end.
I didn't put a song for us last chapter, because nothing really matched. But I have one now. Be sure to listen to it!
/*/*/*/
"What a Time" - Julia Michaels
At first, Lacey wasn't sure what woke her. Then she realized it was a noise of some kind.
It happened again–an eerie whimper. Was it coming from down the hall?
It had to be Kristy. Watching the news earlier in the evening had really affected her sensitive best friend.
Lacey wrestled with the covers until she was free of their tangles and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Donning Grandpa Greg's old slippers, still on loan, she stood up and made her way out into the hallway. She was just about to open Kristy's door when she heard it again.
It was coming from Adam's room. He must be having a nightmare.
She turned and made her way as quickly as the cumbersome slippers would allow to Adam's room, opening his door and finding his bed after reaching out and locating where walls, dressers, and other pieces of furniture were. Just as she reached it, he cried out again.
"Adam." She spoke his name in a whisper, instinctively sliding in beside him in Grandpa Greg's large bed and wrapping her arms around his form.
He groaned again.
"Shh. Adam, you're dreaming. Okay?" She gently shook him. "It's just a nightmare."
The moaning stopped as Adam seemed to finally register where he was and what was happening.
"Lacey," he murmured.
"Mm hmm. Let's go back to sleep." Lacey gave him a gentle squeeze. He rolled over onto his side facing her and rested his forehead against hers as they shared his pillow, the way they had often slept during their time together. The bittersweet familiarity bit into Lacey's heart with a crunch, but she didn't move away, her eyes meeting Adam's for just a moment before he closed them.
She held him tightly as they fell back into a sound sleep.
/*/*/*/
By morning Lacey was lying on her back, Adam's head resting on her chest. She realized, as she came to her senses, that she was rubbing his back unconsciously.
"Oh–" she stirred. What would Kristy and Davy think about this if they walked in?
"Adam," she whispered, not wanting to startle him. "Adam?"
He came slowly to his senses, resting back against the bed to stretch. "Hmm?"
"I think we need to get up." Not at all wanting to, Lacey pushed back the heavy covers hemming her in. "I don't want Davy and Kristy thinking, you know…
Adam didn't say anything for a minute, but finally issued forth a questioning "Why?"
"Because, Adam, we're not together anymore." The reply came out a little sharper than Lacey meant for it to, so she softened her tone. "I only came in here last night because you were crying."
Adam was quiet again, but when Lacey turned back to look at him, his cheeks were flushed red and he was stone still. "I was crying…? Again?"
"Yes, again. Because you went through something truly traumatic." Before getting up, Lacey twisted back to face him. "And I didn't want you to be alone, so I came in here."
"Oh." Adam sat up, more alert. "I didn't really know why you came in here. I guess I just thought you, I don't know…wanted company?"
Recalling how they had fallen asleep against one another, Lacey's heart was pierced all over again as she wondered… was it true what people said? That you can't ever truly be friends with your ex?
No. She was going to prove them wrong.
"Come on, let's go fix breakfast for Kristy and Davy." Lacey kept her eyes slightly averted as she got out of bed and began to shuffle back to her room. The fact was, it hadn't gone unnoticed by her that Adam's chest and arms–always muscular–were now chiseled to a degree that caused a flip-flop in her chest. This must have been the result of the training camp in Georgia.
She felt a little relieved that he was wearing a white t-shirt. No sense stirring up that desire as well.
/*/*/*/
A day like the four friends had was, for college students, pure bliss.
After a breakfast that included omelets, pancakes, and more bacon than all of them could ever eat (she and Adam had admittedly gotten a little carried away while cooking), they lay around watching Grandpa Greg's DVD's, which were surprisingly good. No one, after all, felt like making the [albeit short] hike to the movie store. They took naps and played board games, ate all the food Adam had bought at the store which was blessedly not all healthy, and chatted about nothing in particular while sipping on wine coolers.
The one rule Lacey took it upon herself to present was, no turning on the news–at least for Adam's sake, and Kristy's. A disaster of this magnitude would certainly be talked about endlessly in the weeks, months–maybe even years–ahead, and the details would all be waiting for them tomorrow. She was determined to help them focus on the good things, which for her included the close proximity Davy and Kristy were keeping and the many playful remarks they made to one another. Lacey smiled to herself, keeping a running tally of little moments to bring to Kristy's attention.
But before she could comment on the blossoming romance, her friend cornered her in the kitchen first.
"Hey. What's the deal with you and Adam?"
Lacey blinked. "What?"
"You two cannot keep your hands off each other. I mean, you're constantly patting his arm, he's touching your shoulder…you both seem to intentionally reach for something at the same time…do you need more examples?" Good humor shone in Kristy's eyes, but Lacey felt herself bristle.
"I didn't notice we were doing any of that, Kristy. I think we're just, you know, being friends, like we are."
"Lacey, the tension between the two of you is like…electric or something. It just emanates from you," Kristy remarked seriously. "But I do think you need to be careful."
"We're being careful. I promise." Lacey turned back to making herself a ham sandwich.
"Did you sleep with him last night?"
Lacey paused. "I…well yes, but there was no sex. He was having terrible dreams. Couldn't you hear him down the hall? I just went in to make sure he was okay, and we fell asleep together. I swear to you nothing happened."
"But will it?"
"I don't like the third degree, Kristy," Lacey snapped.
"Okay," Kristy shook her head, turning to head out of the kitchen. "I'm just warning you, lines could get super blurry. And I wanted to be sure you were okay leaving him tomorrow."
Oh gosh. They were only staying here one more night, weren't they?
"Well, I'll be fine. I promise. Okay?" Lacey took on a gentler tone, trying to keep a straight face.
Kristy paused, studying her. "Then maybe you should take that off."
"What?" Lacey looked down at herself, feigning dumb. She knew what Kristy was indicating: the necklace she was wearing underneath her shirt that bore Adam's high school ring.
"I've…just gotten used to wearing it again, that's all. You know, the Jeff thing…?" But she felt her cheeks burning.
Kristy didn't say anything, but she didn't need to. She finally removed her warning gaze from Lacey and headed out of the kitchen with her chicken salad wrap.
Lacey sighed. Okay, maybe she should take off the necklace, but aside from that…
People just didn't understand how this worked. Sure, it was hard not to get lost in the moment sometimes as she had a little while ago, playing Rook, studying that cupid's bow she'd kissed so many times. That smattering of freckles she had tried to count once.
…And it wasn't just that. It was everything about him. His politeness, his gentle manner. His good humor. His tender heart.
Okay, so, it wasn't easy. But it also wasn't impossible. Moving forward, they were going to eventually learn to become close in a different way–like brother and sister. Their mutual affection surely wasn't going to be for absolutely nothing. But it also wasn't going to get in the way.
/*/*/*/
The evening ended with a rousing game of Monopoly that had them all in fits of giggles. Lacey attributed it to tiredness, but there were so many genuinely funny moments: Adam continually ending up in jail, Davy trying to fit so many houses on his property they seemed to line the whole board. Adam teased Kristy about the fact that circumstances never lined up even once for her to purchase a whole suit of properties, and Lacey got to just sit and laugh at everyone's misfortune and quirks–until she actually went bankrupt.
Davy had a glass of wine at the end of it all, and surprisingly, so did Kristy. They were sitting on the sofa talking animatedly to one another about anything and everything when Adam and Lacey said their goodnights to them before each heading up to bed.
"Yeah, so what's all that about? What's going on there?" Adam raised an eyebrow at Lacey once they mounted the stairs.
"Oh, they're crazy about each other. And everybody can see it. I guess they're taking it slow, though, being friends first," Lacey paused in the hall when they reached her room. "Which is wise. Davy's always rushed headlong into things, and Kristy's only ever been in a relationship with Averman."
Adam chuckled. "It still cracks me up to think of Averman as being anybody's boyfriend."
Lacey shook her head. "Tell me about it. But you know, Kristy held a torch for him for a long time. I'm glad it looks like she's finally moving on."
The two of them paused for a moment, trading shy glances until Adam spoke what was lingering in the back of her mind. "During those early days, it can be tough to keep your head. You're excited about seeing the other person, you try to find as many opportunities as you can to run into them…"
"Then there's the thrill of trying to figure out words and actions, like wondering if they meant something that kind of leaked out what they really thought about you…" Lacey joined in, smiling. "I guess sometimes I wished we could go back to that place, you know? It was so simple and fun."
Adam hesitated for a moment. "You know, I don't think I would."
"You don't?"
"Sure, it was fun, but I mean…now, I know you. Like know know you. And that's better, in the long run, than all that preliminary stuff." He glanced back toward the staircase as they heard Kristy laughed at something Davy had just said. "Because I wouldn't give up the knowledge of who you really are for all the puppy love in the world."
As he turned his honest gaze on her for a moment, a lump rose in Lacey's throat. This was the boy she'd fallen for and loved through toilet paperings, Percocet dealing, learning to ice skate, nursing him back to health after he'd hurt his shoulder, dance parties in her living room and cocktail parties in his. San Francisco, Switzerland, Mantorville.
It couldn't all have ended just because of one little thing…
Because it was little. Wasn't it? What was a few years of hockey obsession compared to a lifetime of happiness?
Lacey was the first to look away. "Well, I guess we just have to wish them the best, don't we?" She pretended for a second to study the pictures on Grandpa Greg's hallway walls. Now her head was a mess, and she didn't know how to sort it out other than to go to bed. "I'm tired, so…"
"Right, yeah." This stirred Adam out of his own reverie. "Um…goodnight. See you in the morning I guess, before you guys leave."
"Yup." Lacey tried to sound cheerful. "You sure will. Sleep well, okay? And if you need anything, just come get me."
At that point, she knew she should turn around and go back to her room. Now.
But her eyes lingered on his lips, which she absently noticed were somewhat chapped.
Adam took a step toward her, his eyes glowing with something like… happiness? Relief?
That's all it took for Lacey's best intentions to fly out the window and evaporate in the cold night air.
She matched his step forward, inhaling sharply as she looked up into his face. Her mouth had only a second to hover there, however, before he quickly turned away.
Lacey's mental list continued, thoughts tumbling over one another.
It was the way he walked, confident with shoulders back sans the cocky swagger. It was the cute way he rubbed the back of his neck when he got shy, and the way he'd whispered to her that she was showing her cards when they were downstairs playing Rook. It was the way he had once been her everything, and once she had known, truly known, the man he was, she wouldn't be able to say no to a moment like this again.
Before she could stop herself, Lacey reached out and took hold of his sleeve.
All his hesitation spent, Adam turned back to her in a flash and gathered her into his arms, pressing his mouth firmly against hers as he kissed her so fervently her lips tingled.
"Let's…" she managed to whisper when they came up for air, as her eyes darted toward his bedroom door.
Adam backed in, not letting go of her until they were safely inside and he secured the lock. Pressing ahead, Lacey began unbuttoning his shirt, her fingers only barely cooperating with the effort. He reached up to help her, sliding out of the fabric. Afterward he wasted no time removing her loose t-shirt. When she was finally bared for him, he took a ragged breath as he beheld her breasts for the first time in a year.
He reached out to finger the ring that hung around her neck just as she herself was making out shapes in the moonlight spilling in from the window:
Adam had a tattoo.
Adam had a tattoo.
Quickly upon the heels of this astounding realization came the next one: as she was reaching up to trace her fingers over the unique pattern of the inked flames, she recognized that the intricate pattern wove itself into an "L" shape.
She looked up questioningly at Adam, whose affirming eyes met hers. He nodded slightly. Lacey may have been wearing his ring, but Adam's own body bore traces of his long-standing affection for her.
Wasting no more time, Adam picked her up, and she wrapped her legs around his waist as they headed for the bed.
/*/*/*/
They made raw and frantic love, both of them drunk with desire. Then the white hot heat of desperation cooled and they savored the intimate moments–which turned to hours–thereafter.
Adam and Lacey, during the course of the night, journeyed to a place from which they never wanted to return–a place that required nothing of them, but gave endlessly. Their bodies tangled up in sheets and holding tightly to one another underneath steady streams of hot water, they were surprised at how quickly and easily fingers rediscovered and traced familiar paths. Lips brushed over warm skin.
At last, Adam fell onto the bed beside her, both of them utterly spent. Lacey glanced over at the glowing digits of the bedside clock just long enough to register that it was nearly four in the morning. She didn't want to douse the flame, but she was exhausted, and morning was coming.
"Lacey?" Adam breathed her name, awash in afterglow.
"Hmm?" She turned to kiss over his shoulder as he rested against her.
"Don't go."
With that, a lump rose in Lacey's throat and her heart began to race. What was she going to say to that? What was going to happen in a few hours, when their time together would have to end?
And it surely would need to after all her attempts at closure with Dr. Hemby and in her own heart. She reminded herself of her goodbye letter. Nothing had changed since the day she wrote it other than the fact that something terrible had happened, and he could have died–but he didn't. She didn't regret finding him to be sure he was okay, and she didn't even regret their kiss outside in the rain, for they had both been justifiably emotional. But now it was back to reality, back to the plan they had each established: his with the NHL in Savannah, hers as a social worker in Minneapolis. Had she truly not thought that far ahead when she had entered the bedroom with him last night?
Pushing all thought aside for now, because just the idea of the coming sunlight weighed heavy as a rock, Lacey simply smiled and brushed a lock of damp hair off his forehead. It was the last thing she remembered doing before she fell into a heavy sleep.
/*/*/*/
When Lacey awoke, the first thing she did was roll over and check the clock. There needed to be enough time for her, Davy and Kristy to pack their couple of things and head to the train station well ahead of their departure time to allow for any hiccups in transportation they would face.
But…
Adam stirred against her, and she watched him quietly as he opened his eyes, which made immediate contact with hers. He reached up to rub her arm, smiling.
"Wow. I thought I'd never have a night like that again. That was amazing."
"Mmm hmm." Lacey shifted. "But we need to get up. Because, you know…"
For a moment, his expression darkened to a shade that matched her heart. "...Yeah. Guess so."
"Hey." She tried to lighten her tone. "You won't be getting rid of me for a few more hours, so chin up." Then, just because all she wanted was to see him smile again, she began to tickle him.
But he made her immediately regret it as, once he wriggled free, he turned the action on her and she let out a little shriek, squirming beneath him yet trying to keep her giggles quiet so the two of them wouldn't be heard.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
Crap.
They pulled apart quickly, trading expressions of alarm.
"Lacey?" Kristy's soft, uncertain tone floated to them from the hallway.
Lacey sighed, closing her eyes for a moment before rolling to the edge of the bed and standing up. Adam tossed her a blanket, and she wrapped herself in it, going to open the door a crack.
Kristy seemed to be trying hard to keep her expression neutral. "Hey, I'm sorry I had to knock, but I needed a…well…do you happen to have a tampon?" she whispered.
"I do. I'll be right there, okay? Meet me in my room."
Kristy nodded, turning away.
Closing the door, Lacey leaned against it and looked over at Adam, who was leaning on an elbow.
"I have to get dressed. Kristy needs something." She winced. "Fantastic. Now it's common knowledge."
Adam watched her for a moment. "Well, I mean, does it really matter?"
Lacey wasn't sure how to answer that question, so she instead busied herself slipping back on her p.j.'s. "I just don't want them to think this happened on a whim. And yeah it did. But I'd still rather they didn't know."
She caught the expression of confusion that crossed Adam's face, but he seemed to shake it off quickly. "So I should head for the shower."
Lacey smiled at him. He was quite the picture with sleepy eyes and tousled hair, holding a blanket over himself for puzzling reasons as he walked toward the bathroom.
After dressing, she padded to her room where Kristy stood waiting, arms crossed. Lacey tried not to make eye contact. "So do you really need a tampon?"
"I do," Kristy replied crisply. "Lacey, I hope you know that that was stupid. If you're broken up, you're broken up. If you're not, you're not, but don't cross those lines."
Feeling defensiveness build in her chest, Lacey peered over at her friend after retrieving a tampon from her purse. "Kristy, why are you butting into this? I mean, just let me do what…what I feel like I want to do. Or need to do, or…" she shook her head, feeling even more confused than she had this entire time.
"You could have sat down and actually talked this out with Adam first, but instead, you made the decision to go into his room. So now, what are you going to do?" Kristy wasn't backing down.
"I'm…" Lacey sighed, sinking down onto her bed. It was time to get real. "Kristy, I love him. That's really the explanation. I still do, and I had a weak moment."
"If you guys love each other so much," Kristy softened her tone and sat down next to her on the bed. "Why can't you work this out? I can see how much he loves you, for sure. Put that promise ring back on, commit to making this work again. I'm all for that. But do it after–get that word, after–you guys talk. Not get physical."
Lacey was silent for a moment, studying her fingernails. "But Kristy, what's changed? He's still obsessed with hockey. It was one of the first things he mentioned yesterday. So do I just let him take me down with him like he did last time? Not to mention the obvious problem of distance, priorities, social status…"
"Sounds like you might have your answer then, Lacey. But if that's the case, you owe it to him to have that conversation. Because after last night, he may be anticipating a totally different outcome."
Her friend finally stood up, tampon in hand. "I'll leave you to think, okay?"
Lacey nodded, and after Kristy left, she flopped back onto the bed, closing her eyes. After being with Adam all night last night, she was incredibly tired and her thoughts were muddled. But she would have to pull her head together now to decide how to proceed. After all, the train home wouldn't wait for her.
Finally, she wiped tears away that had leaked out the corners of her eyes. Kristy was right–she had made a mistake. She had let her hormones, her desire for comfort from Adam, override her common sense. And now, she would pay dearly for it she was sure. Taking a deep, shaky breath, she stood up as straight as she could and walked back to Adam's room, perching on the end of the bed as she waited for him to finish showering.
When he finally emerged, he was wearing boxers and an undershirt, still tousling his hair with his towel. He looked at her and smiled, coming over to sit beside her, putting his arm around her and pulling her close to kiss her cheek. "Can we talk…? About this? Figure out what it is and all?"
It was as if he was reading her mind. However, he seemed a lot more hopeful right now than what she was about to make him. They were clearly coming at this from different angles.
"Adam…" Lacey swallowed hard. "Last night was a mistake. I think we both know that. We wanted that old familiar comfort from each other, and I'm not saying it wasn't great to have the opportunity to go there again. But you're going back to school, then to Georgia. And I'm going home. You do realize, nothing has really changed since last year."
She watched as his face changed, a look of confusion rising in his eyes. He stared at her for a long time before getting up and going over to take the bedroom chair from the corner of the room, bringing it over to face her better. "Well, I can agree with you that nothing has changed in that I never wanted this breakup in the first place. I mean, I've learned to live with it and I've tried to let you go, but I was hoping…well, that after everything that happened in New York, you might be like me and see that life is pretty damn fleeting and unpredictable."
With his pause, Lacey looked down, trying to keep her hands in her lap from shaking.
"Last night wasn't just sex for me, and I don't think it was for you either. So I guess I just don't understand why you can't…you know, come back to me. Because I love you."
Hearing the quiet urgency in Adam's voice caused her to look up at him again, hoping with all her heart that she could help him understand this.
"Adam, I…" but she couldn't tell him she loved him too. Oh, she did. With every fiber of her being. But saying that now would not make anything easier. "...I can't. It's just…if I watched you half kill yourself in high school and college, what will it be like for you now? And think of how busy you're going to be training, playing games, doing press events, traveling… then there I'll be, just working."
"But you wouldn't have to work if we–"
"-Yes I would. This hockey thing is your dream, but I have dreams of my own. And I want to be a social worker." Lacey sat up a little straighter.
"Okay, well you're right. I'm sorry, I see what you're saying," he replied carefully. "So then, what would you say about coming to Savannah with me and working? Social workers are in just as much demand down there than they are in Minneapolis, I'm pretty sure. You can work, but take time off when you can to travel with me, and… and don't you see how we could make this work?"
"Ad–"
"And," he cut in, "don't forget I have an actual trainer now. And a dietician, and a sports medicine doctor, and everything I need to stay healthy. It's going to be completely different. We can each have our dreams and have one another. Because hockey isn't my only dream–you are too."
Lacey swallowed again, pretty sure she had never heard Adam plead so hard for anything the entire time she'd known him.
"Is it that you don't want to leave your family? Because I get that, but you can come home as many times as you want. I'll be able to afford to get you there. And now that people can chat over the internet, you might not feel homesick at all. Lacey, listen." With that he reached out and took both her hands, stroking them with his thumbs as he leaned down to make eye contact with her. "We can do this. We can."
Taking a deep breath, Lacey shook her head. "Adam, you're only making it harder for me here. Everything you're saying sounds good in theory, but I just don't think it's going to be as perfect as you think it is. You're sailing off into a completely different lifestyle, and I just…I don't think I want to go there."
Adam searched her face for a moment quietly, then finally spoke.
"Have you ever thought that this is all just your anxiety? I mean, you've been in therapy for years, and I wish you could just learn to trust me. You're going to have to trust somebody at some point, and no relationship is going to be perfect. But what we had was damn near to that."
Lacey was bugged by the comment and slowly withdrew her hands. "Yes, okay, I've been in therapy for years. But Adam, anxiety and PTSD and all this other crap I deal with, it can't just be turned off."
"No, it can't be turned off, but doesn't it…" he hesitated, then surged ahead. …get a little easier to manage over time? After therapy, after learning there are safe spaces? I mean, it seems sometimes like you…" he trailed off.
"Like I what?" Lacey prompted. "Just say it."
"It seems like you still hang onto it like some kind of pet condition. I mean you talk about it a lot, it's like it's become your identity or something. And I think you'll regret it if you let it get in the way of what we could have."
"Okay." She stood up. She knew she was probably overreacting, but the fact that Adam was making all this so much harder on her on top of now poking at her mental health challenges was just more than she could take. "Stop right there, Adam. I went into social work even though I was scared to death. I faced my father head on, which I wasn't sure I could do without having a panic attack right there in the prison. And I made the choice to date a rich guy with a Percocet habit and a hockey stick glued to his hands. So don't tell me I just hang onto my anxiety because it's who I am. And you're certainly one to talk."
Adam's eyes flashed. "I didn't have a Percocet habit and you know it. I used it illegally for awhile to control my pain, and that's not an excuse, but it was hardly an addiction. Now that you've got some psychology under your belt, it's like you're so quick to diagnose people as having a 'habit'. Listen, I don't want to fight, okay? If you don't want this, well…then you don't want it." He stood up. "And it's whatever. Maybe you're right and we've run our course."
Lacey stood up as well, trying to force herself to simmer down. She knew Adam well enough to know he would never have made the statements about Dr. Hemby in order to shame her. But the result was the same as if he had: she saw how little he understood her inner landscape and that he saw her anxiety disorder as an obstacle to their future.
"It's like I said. I never should have come in here and slept with you last night, okay? At all, but at least if I made the mistake one time, I should have had sense enough to get up and go back to my room. But no. I wanted to comfort you after what you just survived, so I stayed…and obviously gave you the wrong message."
Adam turned back to her quickly. "What the hell, Lacey? It's not like you didn't want it, too. At least be honest with yourself. I mean, thank you for the 'comfort'," he did air quotes with his fingers, "but I'm pretty sure that's not the only reason you stayed with me last night."
"You're right." Lacey felt her heart racing as she felt locked and loaded. "I'm a red-blooded female and you're a red-blooded male, and we got too close to the boundary between friends and…something else. That's all any of it was."
Lacey watched as Adam's cheeks flushed with anger. This was perhaps the angriest she'd ever seen him, matter of fact. And it seemed surreal at that moment that it was all directed at her. "You think it was all about being red-blooded and having horny sex? Well let me tell you: if I wanted to just have sex, I could have it. There are plenty of hot girls at NYU, and big fans that show up to hockey games carrying signs for me. And you should have seen the puck bunnies in Savannah. It would be easy for me to get with just about anyone I wanted to. But I've only ever wanted you."
Lacey felt as though she'd been slapped in the face, so much so that she didn't even fully consider his last statement "Okay, so now hockey just feeds your ego. You can have any girl you want on the NYU campus and in Savannah. That's a pretty big assumption, Adam."
"Look," he sighed. "I didn't mean it that way, it's just–"
"It's just that you don't own any part of this, do you?" Lacey was beginning to raise her voice, not caring if Davy and Kristy heard.
"And like you do?" He shot back. "Okay. You know what?"
"What?"
She noticed his jaw harden in a way she hadn't seen before. "You're right. We can't do this. It was great while it lasted, but we were kids and obviously we had no idea what we were doing. And the sex? You're right. You were making yourself plenty available, I was still hot for you, and our sex was always really good. So I wanted to get my mind off the screaming I've heard every night since Tuesday. Thanks for the comfort shag."
Lacey's mouth dropped open. "Why are you acting like an asshole?" she blurted out.
"Because I'm growing up, Lacey. It's time. And it's time for you, too. Just do yourself a favor and the next relationship you're in, don't let your anxiety completely torpedo it like it did this one."
That was it. Lacey rushed at him in a rage and started slapping his chest, solid as it was and as much as she knew she was probably unable to hurt him. After a second, he grabbed her wrists. "Stop…hitting me." He spoke the words in a steely voice Lacey had never heard before, and the look in his eyes as he put a stop to her tantrum turned the blue pools she'd always lost herself in into gunmetal.
He then released her and gave his wrists a tiny push. It was like he no longer wanted to touch her.
She had to calm walked toward the room's window, counting from one to five with each breath. But it didn't work this time. "So that's it, then? And by the way, need I remind you that I never said anything once about us getting back together again?"
Her words were aimed to hurt, and she could tell they did. Adam didn't look at her as shifted feet. "No, I guess you didn't. But you didn't have to. I thought I could tell by how you…"
"By how I comfort shagged you?"
Adam turned to open the bedroom door. "Okay, well your train's due to leave in a couple hours. Better grab some food and make sure you've got everything packed." His patronizing tone, like the look in his eyes, was unfamiliar to Lacey. It was almost as though the last few years had been leveled to dust.
She stood there staring at him, wishing for a moment that she could take everything back, even coming here. Because if she hadn't done that, none of this would have happened and they could still maybe chat amicably on AOL someday. But there was no going back, and his words from the last ten minutes pierced her like nothing else, just as she figured hers had too.
With a stiff spine, she headed for the door, walking past him without once taking her eyes off the picture across the hall of people she didn't know staring back at her. That, for now, was a far more comforting focus than Adam's eyes.
"You know," she spoke finally as she passed, teeth clenched. "It was nice to finally learn you can be a real bastard when you're mad."
"You can call me whatever you want. Changes nothing." he responded in that sharp, condescending voice she hated desperately.
Still trembling, Lacey made her way downstairs on wobbly legs.
What had just happened?
Life.
Real life had happened. Not the kind you think you're experiencing when you're in bed with someone, or holding their hand, or riding down the road with them singing your lungs out. The test of the strength of a relationship is how it adapts to change. If her Family Psychology class had taught her nothing else, it was that.
And she and Adam had failed. Miserably.
/*/*/*/
Davy and Kristy had started making breakfast about a half hour earlier.
"You know," Kristy smiled as she cracked the last of the carton of eggs against the ceramic bowl's edge. "I love cracking lots of eggs into a big bowl. Look at that." She held it up for Davy to examine. "Don't they remind you of a bunch of suns?
This brought out Davy's big, infectious grin as he paused with the pan on his way to the stove. "Hey! That's pretty good! A bowl of sunshine."
Kristy took a whisk out of the drawer, watching his back fondly as she turned back to beat the eggs together for their omelets. She enjoyed a good companionable silence, and it seemed–despite Davy's more talkative nature–he did too. But she had been bothered quite a bit by the conversation with Lacey, and wanted more than anything to talk to someone about it. But that someone shouldn't be Davy since after all, he was Lacey's almost-brother. And was it really fair anyway to betray Lacey's confidence? So, after opening her mouth to speak, she closed it again, vowing to process her frustration on her own.
But it turned out she didn't have to.
"So!" Davy began cheerfully, and Kristy readied herself to hear a good joke or a comment about the latest piece of furniture her friend and his dad were restoring. "Called it."
"Called what?" Kristy glanced back at Davy, who was readying the pan with olive oil.
Davy turned briefly to give her a knowing look. "Well, going to the bathroom this morning, I passed one empty bedroom. Mind you, this was like four in the morning. I seriously doubt the two of them were in Adam's room playing checkers."
Kristy winced, turning back to beat the eggs a little harder.
"Think they're even coming down for breakfast, or are we just wasting our time?" He chuckled.
She bit her lip, then brought the bowl over to him. "It's maybe too early to say. Though I think it was a big mistake."
"Oh?" He raised his eyebrows, looking to her as he took the bowl from her hands. "You think? I mean, the kids are crazy about each other. Maybe–as dumb as it seems, don't get me wrong–it was good for bringing them back together. Best couple I ever knew, not that I spend my time studying couples or anything."
"But what if it was just one night's bad judgment call and things aren't going to go that way?" There. Kristy could say that much and not incriminate Lacey. "If that's the case, won't it make everything so much worse?"
Davy poured a little of the egg mixture into the heated pan, brow furrowed as though he hadn't thought about it that way before. "I mean, I guess it might be a little soon for the whole physical thing to resume and all, but why wouldn'tthey be planning to make it work? Nothing like somebody almost dying to make you realize exactly what you had."
Kristy watched as Davy prepared to add the onions and peppers, about to say something else when she heard a noise and glanced toward the ceiling.
Davy turned to her suddenly. "What's that?"
But it had been unmistakably Lacey's voice, shrill with emotion. Immediately thereafter, Adam responded something in a firm, no-nonsense tone that either of them could hear. The "conversation" volleyed back and forth a couple more times, and Kristy looked back to Davy with wide eyes.
"Oh no. They're fighting."
Davy looked up at the ceiling again for a moment as though contemplating, but quickly turning his attention back to flipping the eggs before they scorched. "Fighting? Pfft. Come on. They're not fighting. I don't think they've ever fought a day in–"
"They are." The next round of the angry exchange reached Kristy's ears and she snapped into action. "I'll take over, Davy, you go stop them. Knock on the door, say you need…something."
"What? No way, come on. It's probably just over something stupid. Let's let them work it out." He sprinkled in the perfect amount of vegetables, then added cheese. "Kristy, the guy loves Lacey. I don't think he could be angry at her if he wanted to be."
"I'm telling you, they're fighting," Kristy challenged. "And it's not going to be good. I think th–"
Suddenly a door upstairs slammed, and a moment later they heard slow footsteps descend the stairs. Lacey soon appeared, staring around the kitchen with a blank expression on her face. Finally, she reached up and wiped away silent tears.
"Lacey," Kristy approached gently. "What just happened?"
But Lacey only shook her head. She seemed completely unable to speak.
"Hey." Davy looked over. "It's okay. Whatever it is, it's going to work itself out."
"Not this time," Lacey finally spoke. "It's…it's over. For good."
Davy stared blankly, his attention now off of executing a perfect omelet. "Wait, I'll…I'll go talk to him. This can't be something that isn't fixable."
"No, Davy," Lacey spoke quickly. "Don't. It'll only make things worse. He's upset and I'm pretty sure he's ready for us to go."
Silence invaded the kitchen.
"All right, let's go sit down in the living room. I'll bring coffee. We can talk, okay?" Kristy offered in a gentle tone.
But Lacey continued to shake her head. "No, I'm…I'm just going to go pack. I'm not hungry. I'm sorry…"
Before Kristy could stop her, Lacey turned to leave the kitchen. She turned back to Davy again, feeling desperate to fix this. What had she been thinking telling Lacey to talk to Adam and end things if that's what she was inclined to do? She'd predicted this, and now almost felt responsible for it. If she'd not intervened and encouraged her friend to talk it out sooner rather than later, things might have taken a different, less harsh turn.
Kristy went over and watched the stairwell, sure that one of them would emerge in a minute and go to the other one's room. But as much as she willed it to happen, it didn't. Feeling defeated, she at last made her way back to the kitchen in time to watch Davy dump the first omelet, charred, into the trash. The burnt smell ruined Kristy's appetite, and from the look on Davy's face as he stared down at the remaining ingredients, it had ruined his too.
/*/*/*/
Lacey frantically knocked on the door. Per Adam's heated advice, she'd packed, slinging stuff into her bag as quickly as possible, ready to get out of there. But she found she absolutely could not leave before talking to him one last time.
"Adam, please. Open the door, I just want to say something. I swear, I'm not going to start arguing again. I just need to t–"
The door swung open at last, and Adam stared at her pointedly.
She took a deep breath, his angry expression knocking the words completely out of her head. She floundered for a moment before saying, "I'm sorry. Can we just start over? Have a nice, civilized conversation? I didn't mean to get angry, I should have just stayed calm, and…" she trailed off, trying to think of what else to say. She'd already apologized multiple times for her share in the night before.
"I think we've said all there is to say, don't you?" Adam wasn't budging from the doorway, clearly not inviting her in.
"I haven't," Lacey replied, trying to keep a level tone. "It can't end like this. I mean not in this way. With us hating each other."
"Lacey, I don't, nor will I ever, hate you," Adam sighed. "But this was coming. We broke up, the ship sailed. And we should have known better than to try to recoup the whole thing. It's over. You don't trust me, and now, I don't trust you either. If we don't have that, we're done. So let's just move on with life. I mean, I know you have your goals to pursue, and I have mine too. Focus on that, because I'm sure going to. And consider this relationship a lesson learned. As for right now, I need to get dressed."
"Adam, please," she heard the desperation in her voice as she pleaded with him. "I don't want to end this way. We weren't just a lesson. Don't even say that."
"But I did, and it's true," he replied instantly. "So let's just cool off and move on, okay? I wish you well, and I know you do me, too."
"But we can stay friends." She put her hand out to stop the door from closing on her. "Always. No matter where we are. Right? 'I see the moon and the moon sees me'…?" Lacey reached up to wipe away more tears. They couldn't seem to stop coming.
Adam just shook his head slowly. "Don't you see? That didn't work. It only led us to this. I'll come down and say goodbye when your taxi gets here. But then, that's it. It's how it's gotta be."
His expression was so resolute, so sure, that Lacey knew without a doubt he wasn't going to change his mind.
"Then I guess all that's left to say is thank you," she spoke after several seconds. "For beautiful memories. And for being the perfect first love. I guess next time you might find a better one. Less anxiety and stupidity ought to do it."
Very briefly, Lacey saw a flicker of regret pass through Adam's eyes. But all too soon it was gone.
All that time, all that love, just disappeared. And all that was left was empty memories that apparently had all been for nothing.
Swallowing hard, Lacey turned and walked away. After several seconds, she heard Adam softly close his door.
Lacey lost track of time as she sat on the bed, stone still as she stared out the window at nothing in particular. But soon a yellow taxi came into view, pulling down the long, gravel driveway. This was it.
Resolving to pop that iron spine in place once again, she leaned down and picked up her bag, heading down the hallway without even a glance toward Adam's room as she took the stairs two at a time and went to check on Davy and Kristy. They both sat in the living room, likewise ready to go, but wearing long faces and speaking few words. Next, she heard the click of Adam's door as he made his own way down the stairs.
"Thanks for coming, checking on me and everything." He regarded Davy and Kristy with a plastic smile, his light tone obviously forced. His eyes flitted to her only briefly, and probably just to let her know she was part of that gratitude if nothing else. "I hope the trip goes by fast and you get home without any problems."
Davy stepped forward first, slapping Adam's good shoulder fondly with his own forced smile. "Good to see you, man. Hope the season and the semester goes well, in spite of…you know. All that's going on down there."
Adam nodded, giving him a half-smile. "Yeah, thanks."
Kristy was next, coming over for a side hug. "If you need anything–at all–let one of us know, okay?"
"I will," he assured her.
Next, Lacey came over. She wasn't sure at first if he would offer a hug or not, and he did, albeit a hollow one–without looking into her eyes once. "Bye," he said simply. "Take care."
She turned and made her way to the cab, unable to spend one more second in his cool presence.
The trio loaded their stuff, piled into the taxi, and after receiving the word of destination from Kristy, the cab drove off. Lacey looked one more time out the back windshield at Adam. He at last made expressionless eye contact with her as he leaned against a front porch beam, arms folded.
/*/*/*/
AN ERA'S END