WOLVERINE AND SPIDER-MAN RPG ISEKAI 12: BACK TO BOAR BRAMBLE
Hey everyone. Got another chill episode for you today. Everyone needed some down time after that last mission. Grab some tea, grab some potatoes, and enjoy some days off with the gang.
Wrapped in a heavy, warm blanket Spider-man opened his eyes. He stared up at a beveled stone ceiling and scrunched his face in confusion.
He… didn't recognize the room.
His body hurt, not in the violent stabbing kind of way. No, instead, it was that deep aching kind of pain that he knew accompanied severe but healing injuries. Far too close to his tender spot, something small but strangely heavy was laying against his bare chest. Fishing under his blanket, he found an arrow head strung around his neck on a braided cord.
Holding it up, he gave it a curious look then put it back, making sure it fell to the other side of his chest.
Now turning his focus to his surroundings, the wounded super hero tried to figure out where he had wound up. The bed he was lying in was barely long enough for his feet but it was otherwise comfortable. The room… well the room was like an old lady's house. Doilies, and pressed flowers, and little figurines graced the walls and surfaces. Spider-man smiled at the familiar hominess. The wooden furniture was heavy and dark. The walls were stone and the door…well, it was particularly impressive as it was carved to show an entire scene of dwarves doing… something. He wasn't sure.
As he was looking it over, the door was pushed open by a set of white robes. Wearing them was a she-dwarf stout as an apple. She didn't notice him as she backed into the room, a merry tune in her throat and a silver platter of medicinals and ritualistic artifacts in her arms.
"Um hi," said Spider-man.
The dwarf jumped and shrieked dropping everything she had with a loud clatter.
"Sorry!" he cried bolting upright and cringing from the pain.
The dwarf turned to him, her face flushed but smiling, as she frantically tried to pick up her equipment.
"Oh I am so sorry. You startled me."
"Here let me," said Spider-man moving to hop up and help her. He could see some of the bottles had broken.
"No no. You stay in that bed. I've got this."
Spider-man was forced to sit awkwardly and watch her clean up. Eventually, after gathering everything and placing it on a dresser she turned to him.
"Now then," she said still flustered but cheery. "It's so good to see you awake. How are you feeling?"
"Um, fair."
"Any pain still?"
"Yah. I've got like a bad stitch in my chest," he said hovering a hand over his healing boob hole. "And I'm kind of nauseous."
"I can whip you up something for that. Anything else?"
Spider-man took a moment to gage himself.
"Mmmmm… nope. I think that's about it."
"Excellent," said the dwarf pulling out a scrap of parchment and scribbling down some notes. "Well," she said putting it away. "I'd say you are well on the mend."
Taking her sweet time, she resolved to ignore him, instead moving over to her platter and starting to mix together a few little bottles.
"So…" said Spider-man uncomfortable in the silence. "Are you like my doctor, nurse, healer person?"
"Oh!" she exclaimed nearly dropping her supplies... again. "How rude. I am so sorry. It slipped my mind we haven't been introduce. I feel like I've known you for a month."
"A month‽" exclaimed Spider-man horrified.
"It's just felt like a month," she clarified. "It's only been a week."
That still didn't sit well with him.
"I'm Sister Maela. I'm only one of the sisters who's been tending to you."
"And we're in Little Monds?"
"Yes, yes," said Maela nodding, resuming her mixing. She poured in some hot water from a kettle that had miraculously survived the drop and gave it a stir.
"Ah, here we are," she said handing him a cup. "The usual herbal blend with some additions for a sour stomach."
Spider-man took it and looked down at the concoction. It didn't smell well and it looked like sewage.
"Do I have to?"
"Bottoms up," she encouraged chipperly.
Spider-man grumbled but took a swig and winced at the fowl, confusing taste.
"Make sure you drink it all," she said unphased.
"Ugh,"
Bracing himself, he sucked in another horrible sip before an uncomfortable silence fell over them once again. The nun began replacing her supplies back onto the platter, the unbroken ones anyway, not even giving him a glance.
"So…" said Spider-man looking around. "Are my friends around?"
"Oh!" she shouted for the third time slamming her hands down on the dresser. Spider-man jumped so hard he nearly spilled his cup.
Without another word, she flew out of the room in a flurry of white robes slamming the door behind her.
Spider-man blinked.
"Um, ok," he said taking another terrible drink.
Not five minutes later he heard a group of footsteps tromping towards him. The door burst open.
"Spider-man!" shouted Wyn and Boksee with glee shoving their way through the door.
"Guys!'
Nih and Wolverine followed in behind happily.
"I'm alive!" Spider-man declared triumphantly throwing open his arms, then cringing at the pain.
"You're alive," agreed most of the team coming up to his bed.
"You're going to spill that," said Wyn taking his nasty drink.
"Careful," said Spider-man to Boksee as she hopped up on the bed with him. "I think I might be naked under here."
Wyn took a step back.
Boksee didn't care and grabbed Spider-man around the neck giving him a noogie.
"Ow ow ow!"
"Don't you ever do anything like that to us again!" she scolded lightheartedly. "Oh blow me, I see your spot," she said pointing out the red raised gouge under his shoulder blade.
"They look so much better now," said Wyn marching forward and pushing him back up to look at its twin on his front.
"Yes, coming along quite well," agreed Nih.
"You got Maela today eh?" said Logan peeking out the door. "Oof. What a welcome. I don't think that gal's quite got all her coins in the coffer, if you know what I mean."
Boksee snickered.
"Don't be rude," scolded Wyn.
"Rich coming from you paladin," she replied.
"How are you feeling snail ears?" asked Nih to Spider-man.
"Ok. Not great. But ok."
"That's fantastic to hear," said Wyn.
"Welcome back Spidey," said Boksee.
Logan nodded.
"Welcome back kid."
Spider-man beamed. Then he gasped.
"Guys!" he exclaimed. "You'll never believe what I did!"
With an abundance of excitement and a notable lack of coherence, Spider-man went on to explain his journey through the astral plane.
"And Steve was there," he rambled. "We saw leviathans, and visited a pocket dimension."
"Incredible," said Wyn.
"An accidental expedition through the astral sea," said Nih in awe.
"Did you see any dragons?" asked Boksee.
Before he had a chance to answer, Wolverine spoke up.
"Oh great," he gruffed. "While we were busy draggin' your corpse around through a barren wasteland fight'n for our lives you were off in cloud cuckoo land havin' a gay ol' time."
"I wasn't having a gay old time," retorted Spider-man defensively. "It hurt. I fell into the void. We were attacked by hell monsters! Steve tried to eat me once…"
"Well our's wasn't a cake walk either," interrupted Boksee lighthearted. "We got attacked by a chuul and a thornfoul. You kept trying to die. Logan and Wyn threw hands."
"What?" asked Spider-man turning to Logan.
He looked away guiltily.
Wyn put a hand up.
"Things just got a little heated when we weren't sure you were going to make it."
Spider-man considered this, his face falling.
"Was it really that close?"
His team all nodded back at him.
"I could tell," he admitted. "While I was there, I felt myself dying. At one point I didn't think I was going to make it either. I started thinking that it might just be easier to call it." He looked away trying to hide the dampness in his eyes.
Boksee put a hand to his shoulder.
"But you made it. None of us quit and you made it."
Spider-man smiled and nodded.
"Yes, Wolverine wouldn't let us quit," said Nih jokingly.
The team laughed.
"Hey, I don't leave no man behind. Not even that guy," he said throwing a thumb at Spider-man.
"So what's up with this?" asked Spider-man holding up his arrow head necklace.
"Don't you recognize it? It's the thing that nearly killed you," said Wyn.
"So you put it around my neck?"
"It was Claws' idea."
"It's to remind you never to do something that stupid again," asserted Wolverine.
Spider-man grumbled.
"No, think of it more like a war trophy," said Boksee. "Wolvie made it for you himself."
"Don't tell him that."
At that Spider-man grinned.
"Oh Logan. I didn't know you cared."
Wolverine moved in to womp him.
"Injured!" cried Spider-man throwing up his arms.
Logan backed down.
Wyn chuckled.
"You've got no idea web head," she said.
The party went on to fill in the rest of the details with each other.
"So the spirits of the dead slaves turned into an evil tree kaiju?" asked Spider-man.
"That's the sum of it," said Wolverine.
"Holy cow."
"Yah and for some reason it really had a chip on its shoulder for you," said Boksee.
"Me? What did I do?"
"I told ya'," said Logan to the group. "I'm think'n the thornfoul had it out for him 'cause he tried to spare Summer. As far as it saw, he was in his corner."
"Oh," said Spider-man unsure. "I, uh, may have done more than try to spare him."
He went on to explain what had happened between him and the war mage.
"Are you serious‽" Logan snapped. "After everything. After he stabbed you in the fuck'n back you still saved him‽"
"Well he still died," said Spider-man. "He was just turned to stone instead of being dragged to hell. Yah. That's, that's better," he said nodding to himself.
Logan smacked a hand to his own face.
"No wonder a thornfoul shot up and tried to kill you! And us! You nearly killed us for the sake of a mass murderer."
"I didn't know that was going to happen," said Spider-man. "I'm sorry."
"Would you do it again?"
Spider-man moved to speak but nothing came out. He sat there thinking, his mouth hanging open.
Wolverine threw up his hands exasperated. Then he whipped back toward Spider-man, stabbing a finger at him.
"It's them or us."
"Who?"
"Whoever! It's your team or the enemy. Don't go putt'n your team in danger for the sake of the enemy."
Spider-man moved to shout back but Wyn interrupted.
"Logan's right," she said firmly. "I know you just want to help but we all always have to put our teammates first. That's the only way we all make it out in one piece. We need to know we can count on you."
At her words, Spider-man felt a deep, familiar guilt spring up and stab into him. He was suddenly flung out of the conversation into his own dark thoughts of self-loathing. Once again, a decision he made thinking he was doing something right came back to hurt the people around him.
"Spider-man?"
He regained focus to find himself still facing his team members. Looking from person to person, a mixture of concern and disapproval on their faces, he relented. Silently, he gave them a few nods.
Boksee ruffled his hair.
"Don't worry web head. We all make mistakes," she said. The rest of the team seemed to agree as the mood was lifted. Even Wolverine seemed like he was trying to calm himself down, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking deep breaths.
Spider-man just stared at that carved door.
"It will be an elegant construction," said Barm, his face still as bald as they had left him. "A thirty-foot-tall tree, each leaf carved with a name. At the base, four foo dogs," he said showing the party a plan for a metal monument.
The team was gathered at the massive foundry where dwarves were already beginning the preparations to build a bronze statue.
"Beautiful," said Wyn.
"If it's thirty foot tall, how will people read the names?" asked Logan.
"Oh," said Barm in realization. "That might be an oversight."
"What if you make a border on the base with the names as well," suggested Boksee pointing at the schematic.
"Hm, I'll bring it up to the planners," he said rolling it up.
Spider-man was still sulking, though, he was trying not to draw attention to it. He was currently in a wooden wheelchair as the sisters didn't want him walking yet. Suddenly, he felt something watching him. He turned to see a few dwarves looking his way and whispering.
His face went blood red and he quickly looked away. He was suddenly extremely self-conscious about being rolled around like luggage.
"Is everything well Spider-man?" asked Nih. He was the one pushing him. "You look flushed. Do you need the bucket?"
"I-it's fine. I think…"
Then he saw another one.
An older dwarf was pointing him out to what looked like her apprentices.
"Why is everyone talking about me?" he whispered desperately.
"I suppose their just excited."
"Excited?"
"Oh Spider-man," said Barm. "When it's convenient Yeulga and Hingrolf would like to see you in the armory. With some strong suggestions from your companions, the council has made a decision on your paean."
"My what?"
"It means something that expresses praise," said Wyn pleased with herself. "Apparently it is a dwarven custom to offer a paean to those deemed to be blessed by the gods to bring good fortune to the community."
She gave Spider-man a smile like she had explained everything.
Spider-man blinked.
"Ok, am I missing something here?"
"Come on," said Wyn taking hold of his wheel chair and leading the group.
The party stood at the stairs to the abbey, a grand stone temple surrounded by a tall stone wall. Both sides of the entrance were flanked by statues of noble boxer like dogs.
"Oh hey. I think I met a dog like that," said Spider-man. "It helped me get out of the astral."
"Those are foo dogs," said Wyn. "they're featured in dwarven religion."
"Yes," said a sister coming up to join them. "Confidants to our Lady of Mercy, may she be blessed."
"Yah so riding into town on a foo dog is a pretty big deal," summarized Boksee.
"Is that what happened?" asked Spider-man.
Nih smiled and nodded.
"To earn a foo dog's favor one must have appealed to their sense of justice or be truly benevolent. It is an honor for our abbey to tend to you," she said giving Spider-man a small bow.
"Oh," he said flustering at the praise.
"Gag," said Wolverine. "Should we all get down and kiss his ass?"
Wyn smacked him upside the head.
"Not in the abbey," she scolded. "Sorry," she said to Spider-man. "As soon as everyone knew you were going to make it he went back to hating you."
"Oh he doesn't hate me," teased Spider-man though he was still rather down. "Anger, violence, and insults are his love language."
Wolverine huffed.
"If you weren't in a wheelchair," he gruffed looking away.
The team chuckled.
"Hey!" shouted a voice.
They all looked to see Maela flurrying down the stairs at them. "You didn't finish your herbs!" she shouted coming at Spider-man with the nasty drink sloshing in hand.
"Uh oh."
Spider-man stood in the armory, arms outspread as Yeulga wrapped a measuring tape around his chest.
"Ow," he said flinching as she accidently nudged his spot.
"Oh I'm so sorry,"
"No problem. Are you almost done?" he asked. He was still really sore and fatigued and he felt like he needed to sit down.
"Almost. Thirty-nine on the chest!" she called out to her husband who was transcribing.
"Thirty-nine?" he asked in disbelief. "You're a twig man," he said writing.
"Nah, you all are just barrels."
"Round in the cheeks means power in the sheets," retorted the dwarf matter of fact.
Spider-man chuckled.
"As far as I'm concerned, smaller measurements means fewer materials," said Yeulga. She made a few more measurements and called out their numbers.
"And done," she said to Spider-man.
"Thank goodness," he said collapsing back into his wheelchair.
"If you would have told me last week that we'd be crafting a magnificent paean for a man who rode atop a foo dog, I would have slapped you back to sanity," said Yeulga fawning.
"Yes, a paean made from the very rare materials the man supplied us with," said Hingrolf. "Truly the gods were forging our destinies right before our eyes," he said giving his wife a peck.
"Right," said Spider-man looking away.
"Do you know what you did to earn its favor?" asked Yeulga excitedly.
"I made a choice," he said plainly.
"A choice?"
"I think. Or was it Steve's choice? No, no it was mine," he said mulling it over. "Anyway, I saved someone, sort of, that most people wouldn't. …Maybe I shouldn't."
The dwarves gave him a curious look.
"There's honestly not that much to talk about," he said dismissing them.
Spider-man sat in the abbey in his wheelchair. He was looking at a large mural of another dwarf event he didn't understand. The sound of the sisters singing their devotionals floated through the stone halls.
"Oh!" said Maela rounding a corner and finding him. "There you are. We get you a wheelchair and suddenly you're zooming around all over the place."
Spider-man didn't turn to her. He continued to gaze at the detailed mural.
"What's this a picture of?" asked Spider-man.
"Oh this. This is a depiction of the first dwarves to reach the surface of the world. They were created in the heart of the planet and through force of will fought their way to the light."
"Huh," was all he replied still not facing her. "Who is the Lady of Mercy?"
"She is a dwarven goddess. She resides in Nidavellir and grants us good health and mercy."
"Why is mercy a good thing?"
"Hm?"
"Why is mercy a good thing?"
"I'm not sure I follow."
"If someone killed a hundred people and you had the chance to kill them and you didn't, then they went on to kill another hundred people, isn't it now you're fault those people are dead? In that circumstance wouldn't mercy be bad? It did more harm than good."
"I see you are filled with deep ponderings."
"I think I caught the questions from Steve," said Spider-man sourly. "And I didn't even eat a philosopher."
The dwarf considered him.
"It may not be my place to say," she finally answered, shifting in her robes. "I'm sure the other sisters would have more wisdom than I have, but as far as I'm concerned, mercy is like love. In many ways mercy is love. And I mean actual love, not attraction, the willingness to put others before ourselves. Love that is given may be abused or scorned, the person given love may do harm, but the love was never wrong."
Spider-man thought about this. He really thought about it, then he sighed with a slight smile.
"Thanks Maela. I feel better now."
"Good. It's my job to help you feel better. And you know how you can feel even more better?"
She pulled out a cup of the nasty.
Spider-man baulked.
"Where were you hiding that‽"
The days went by at a lackadaisical speed. Many naps were taken, much skol bread was eaten, an unfortunate amount of the nasty was consumed, and the occasional horn hat was worn much to the nuns' bewilderment.
In about a week, Spider-man was out of his wheelchair and back on his feet with the strict stipulation to "take it easy". He was also able to move out of the abbey and into an inn with daily visitation.
Wolverine entered the grand lobby of some government department. He spotted Wyn across the room in front of a desk jockey.
"Could I please get a copy of this?" asked Wyn.
Logan overheard and approached curiously.
"It will cost three silver for the release, transcription, and notary," said the jockey.
"That's fine. It will also be stamped yes?"
"Correct. Come pick it up in about an hour."
"There you are tuts. What was that about?" asked Logan.
"The Ozero Lake Outpost sent a report corroborating our account of the damage to the surrounding forest and the existence of the fire spire," she explained. "I asked for a copy."
"What for?"
"Oh, just in case," she said with a sly look.
Logan raised an eyebrow but didn't push it.
"Come on tuts. Everyone else is already on their way."
With a quick walk down the lively streets of Little Monds and with only one instance of the two fighting over directions, Wyn and Wolverine made their way to the armory.
Unlike the one in Boar Bramble which was small and cluttered to the gills, Yeulga and Hingrolf's armory was spacious and organized with sleek, expertly crafted suits. They graced mannequins and filled organized racks.
"Oh! How about this?" asked Wyn enthusiastically. She held up a leather tunic studded with iron rivets.
Wolverine just gave her a look.
"But it would be so good for your build," she argued to his silence. "You have the money."
"And I keep the money by not buying a bunch of random shit."
"You said you'd take my advice on armor."
"I said I'd listen to what you had to say."
"Oh come on Claws. This might be a rare chance for you to have a wide selection of things… that you know, uh, fit."
"What does that mean?" he asked already offended.
"Well I mean, for a man you're rather um, short and kind of wide."
"I ain't no dwarf!"
"Well neither am I but this place is a gold mine," exclaimed Boksee running by with an armful of assorted pieces.
"It's no shame," said Nih walking up wearing a horn helmet. "I as well have issues finding fitting clothing considering my height."
"Put it back," scolded Wyn.
Nih smiled as he walked away.
"Honestly, you're as bad as Spider-man."
"Speakin' of which. How long does it take to put on a shirt?" complained Wolverine looking toward the back room.
"They probably had to do some final adjustments," said Boksee trying on a pair of shin guards. "I bet they're not used to working with man dimensions. Ha!" she exclaimed latching the buckles. "I've never found a set of these that actually fit! Yes!" she cried throwing her arms up in excitement.
Finally the group heard a creak, and turned to see Hingrolf and Yeulga stepping out of the back room.
"Alright, is everyone ready?" asked Yeulga with mounting excitement.
The party nodded.
Spider-man stepped out. Adorning his trunk was a full armor chest piece. The under layer was woven spider web, his own silk processed, preserved, and refined into a thick kevlar. Above that were plates of blazing red chitin. Each plate was carved to perfectly overlap each other in a graceful mirror of human anatomy. It was worn over his usual suit and matched it perfectly. His usual spider logo was not only painted but engraved onto his sternum.
"What do you think?" asked Yeulga.
The team showed their approval through claps and praise.
"I think we've really outdone ourselves hun," said Hingrolf. "Sleek, graceful, precise, made from the rarest and finest materials. I think this chest plate may be our magnum opus."
"Too bad its going on Spider-man," said Wolverine.
"Ouch," said Spider-man.
The team snickered.
"No really this is great" said Spider-man. "Usually I'm not one for armor…" he thought for a second. "Usually. Too heavy and bulky but this, I can barely tell I'm wearing it. The silk breathes like a dream and this chitin, it's as light as cardboard."
"But hard as steel," said Yeulga knocking on a breast plate. "Turn around and show them the back."
Spider-man did as told and the group awed appropriately at the dwarves' bespoken craftmanship. Overlapping plates of chitin rippled down his spine.
"No more arrows in the back for you," said Boksee.
He did a few flexes, showing off the piece in motion then turned back around.
"Yah they said you personally requested some sort of armor for my get well present," said Spider-man.
"Absolutely," said Boksee. "So next time you pull some crazy stunt-"
"Because we know you will," said Wyn with a smiling sigh rolling her eyes.
"We won't end up a man down."
"Mm, fair," said Spider-man shrugging.
A flock of bats fluttered through the towering torch lit darkness above them.
"Ah, at last," said Nih happily as they made their way uphill towards the black gates, their full packs in tow. "I am extremely excited to finally leave."
"Got something against dwarves?" asked Wolverine.
"Not particularly, but I am not one for dreary stone and lifeless depths."
Boksee made a face.
"But you're a dark elf."
"Yes, but I left the under dark."
"Huh."
"Also I thought the furnishing of men was uncomfortably short," he added.
The group laughed.
Wyn who was listening along with the rest of them smiled then looked over at Spider-man.
He was wearing his new chest plate over top of his usual suit. His blue cloak was over top of that and around his neck hung his sapphire adventurer rank and his arrow head.
"Webs, I'd say you're starting to look like a proper adventurer," she said with approval.
"Oh, thanks," said Spider-man taken a little off guard. "It's all in the accoutrements. Like most things in life," he added with sass.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm getting there."
"Just let us know if you need to take a break."
Spider-man nodded at her much like a child might nod to an overbearing mother.
"Don't worry," said Boksee. "You'll have plenty of time to keep healing on the way back to Boar Bramble. Oh and don't forget to drink your nasty," she said holding up a large water skin and swishing it around.
"Indeed," agreed Nih. "A cup every day."
"Why‽" he lamented dramatically. Then he sighed. "Speaking of which, I still don't know about this whole going back to Boar Bramble business. That's awful close to the Ashen Woods, and there's an octopus man in there that wants to kill me. Hm, and oddly, not the first one in my life."
"Oh I've been reading up on mind flayers. Steve doesn't want to kill you necessarily. He wants to perform ceremorphosis on you," corrected Wyn.
"Gazuntite," answered Spider-man.
"You say bigger words than that," chided Logan.
"You're ruining the joke."
"What is ceremorphosis," asked Boksee unenthusiastically. "Because we all know you're going to explain it anyway."
"It's the process in which a mature tadpole is placed in a host's brain via an eye or orifice," said Nih instead. "The tadpole than eats the brain and eventually takes over the host's body transforming it into a new Ilithid," he said with a pleasant smile much to Wyn's chagrin.
"Yess…" she said letting out the air she had taken in.
"Uh uh. No no no," asserted Spider-man. "I don't do eggs laid in me," he listed. "I don't do being anything's host. I don't do being combined with any other lifeforms. I am a man who prefers to be a singular entity. I've had bad experiences."
"Well what I was trying to explain earlier," said Wyn. "Is that it takes a decade for a tadpole to mature. When he says he wants you to be his pet he means it. He'll need to keep you captive until then if he wants to use you as his host."
"Oh that makes me feel so much better," said Spider-man sarcastically.
"Personally I find it rather endearing a mind flayer has taken to you so," said Nih with his usual cat like smile.
"At least he doesn't want to kill you," said Boksee. "…yet."
"Nah, he just wants to make me into his beaten housewife or something."
"Pet," snarked Logan. "You gotta work your way up to housewife."
"Though we did go ice skating together so I guess we've had our first date," said Spider-man disregarding him. "Oh! Ohhhh," he said shuddering. "And he… Hey Logan. I think you're a more experienced man than me," he said turning to him.
"Think?"
"What base is it when someone jerks off to you? Because we made it there."
Everyone but Logan cringed in unison.
"Hm. Did you make sustained eye contact?" he asked straight.
"Um, no."
"The hill."
Reaching their destination, the backside of the magnificent gates, they spotted a group of well-wishers had gathered to see them off.
Barm, Yeulga, and Hingrolf stepped up to Spider-man and Wolverine. Barm clasped their hands.
"Take care men. Don't know what you'll do next but you sure saved this old goat's gruff. Thank you."
"Any time." "It's what we do," they said.
"Ho! And maybe the next time you see me I'll look respectable again."
They chuckled.
"Now Spider-man," said Yeulga. "Make sure you take care of that armor. Take care of it and it will take fine care of you."
"I will. Thank you both."
They shook hands before Spider-man's attention was drawn to another conversation.
"Promise you'll write," said a dwarf holding Boksee's hand. He was one of four that had gathered around her.
"Promise you'll come back," said another.
"Oh Stragnor, Brecknaught, Chor, Brimdan," lamented Boksee poetically. "The night's we shared were magical but the season of our love has come to an end."
"No."
"No Boksee."
"Don't say that."
"It's true," she said melodramatically. "Go, go find beautiful dwarven wives who can make you happy…and always look back on me with fondness."
The dwarves sniffled as they took their leave.
Spider-man watched the whole exchange mouth ajar.
"What the fu… What did I miss?"
"Plenty," said Logan. "Thanks for the fun time short stack," he said to a fiery red headed she-dwarf smacking her bottom.
"Any time halfer."
She walked off.
Spider-man squigged.
"Ok, has everyone just been banging dwarves while I was out?"
Nih shrugged.
With a final wave goodbye they were led out into the daylight.
A horse drawn carriage, driven by a dwarf, made its way up the lush countryside of Strana. The land around Little Monds was mountainous and high. Rolling green hills and towering snow crested peaks surrounded the dirt road on all sides and a herd of wild goats grazed contently.
From inside the carriage, Boksee spoke up.
"Wow!" she exclaimed. "I can't remember the last time I got to ride in a proper carriage."
"I know!" said Spider-man equally excited. "Seats! I never realized they were such a luxury," he said running his hand over the wooden bench. "No more sitting in the back of a cargo wagon for us."
"At least until the next time we travel," said Wyn.
"Why must you crush my dreams?"
"Someone's gotta. Can't be me all the time," said Logan breaking out a book.
"Now remind me," said Nih. "How long a travel are we expecting?"
Wyn did some mental math.
"Well, I'd say at least four days."
Everyone groaned.
Cresting a particularly tall ridge, the carriage was forced to stop as a new goat herd had over taken the road. The dwarf shouted at them angrily but they paid him no mind. Just as he was about to hop out and shoo them away they scattered. An ice drake swooped down from the sky and snatched up an entire goat like an eagle catching a fish. The dwarf did a double take then cracked the reins again continuing on unperturbed.
"Oh I know!" exclaimed Wyn out of the blue. The team practically jumped as she broke a long silence.
Boksee and Spider-man shifted groggily as they had both almost fallen asleep. Nih snapped out of some sort of trance he had entered.
"Wolverine," said Wyn.
"Hm?" he asked reading his book.
Wyn took it out of his hands and clapped it close.
"What the fuck?" he demanded annoyed.
"Let's have a study session."
"A study session?"
"Yes!"
Wolverine took back his book.
"Look tuts. If you wanna fool around, all you gotta do is ask."
"What‽"
She whacked him on the back of the head.
Wolverine grinned.
"Ain't sure how we'd manage here in the back of the wagon though."
"Perhaps if we all participated," said Nih pleasantly.
"Nih!" shouted Spider-man.
Wolverine burst out laughing.
"You've got some kinks now don't ya elf boy!"
"Seriously Claws," said Wyn. "It's been weeks since you've put any work into your studying."
"Been learn'n in the field."
"Um, what about Spider-man?" asked Boksee throwing a thumb. "Last time I checked, he hasn't been hitting the books either."
"Hey don't throw me under the bus."
"Oh, oh yes, um Spider-man too," said Wyn stumbling over herself a little.
Boksee raised an eyebrow.
"Yes," said Wyn. "We can pass the time while being productive, imparting our knowledge on our lower ranked adventurers," she said pleased to Nih and Boksee. "Let's try to stick to general, practical information."
"So I can't drill them on the flight patterns of local migratory birds?" asked Boksee.
"No."
"There a point to this?" asked Logan.
"Well you never know when you might need a strong foundation of knowledge," said Wyn giving him a wink.
"Got somethin' in your eye again?"
Fortunately for them, Wyn's reoccurring study sessions were the most troublesome things the team had to deal with on their long journey.
The days passed thankfully uneventful as they were carted up the land. They sat, talked, napped, fought a little, all the usual long ride activities or lack thereof. The nights were spent camping with their driver who seemed rather impersonal. At some point Nih got the girls singing several rounds of ballads. The dark elf seemed to have a fondness for particularly grizzly or dark tales. Lots of beheadings, but he did have the nicest voice so it kind of made up for it. Wyn by far had the worst but she tried.
As the days passed the landscape slowly changed around their carriage. Mountains gave way to foothills, foothills gave way to pastures, pastures gave way to gentle woods, and eventually gentle woods gave way to the towering trees of the Nehfar forest.
After four long days on the road, the tree line finally broke and at last the little town of Boar Bramble came into view.
Many villagers stopped and gawked at the passing carriage and the dwarf driving it, both rare sights in the isolated village. Meeting up with the main street, it came to a stop.
"This is quaint," said Nih looking around at the daubed walls and wooden roofs. He hopped out in a flowing cloud of robes and hair.
"Hey that's what I said," said Spider-man following behind him.
The rest of the team stepped out onto the cobblestone street.
Wolverine took a long breath, taking in the area with his nose as well as his eyes.
"Ya know, I kinda missed the little place."
"Thanks for the ride," said Spider-man walking up to the dwarven coachman. "Man, can't believe you've got to drive back now."
The dwarf shrugged.
"It's a living. Take care."
With a crack of his reins, the dwarf steered his horses to turn and headed back out of town.
The party waved him off.
Gingerly, Spider-man stretched out his back.
"Well, doing nothing for four days really wore me out. I'm going to go lay down."
"Are you all good getting to the inn by yourself?" asked Wyn.
"It's like four steps. This is like a micro-town. I can literally see the building," he said motioning to it.
"Alright alright. Go on then," said Wyn waving him on.
As Spider-man headed off, the rest of the party moved to exchange some quick goodbyes.
"So elf boy, you stay'n in the inn with us?" asked Wolverine to Nih.
"Oh no," he answered. "I plan on setting up camp."
"Inn ain't that bad."
"I prefer it. Speaking of which. I should make sure I set everything up before night falls. Plants do not like to be reshaped in the dark."
"Oh before you do that," said Boksee. "You should come with me to the guild hall. I've got to meet up with Dad and let him and Ma know I'm alive. I'll introduce you to him. Let him know you're in our party."
"Her dad's the guild master," said Wyn to Nih's slightly puzzled face.
"Ah."
"I'd like to talk to your dad as well," said Wyn.
"What are you going to do?" asked Boksee to Wolverine.
He shrugged.
"Sounds like a solid game plan," she teased.
"Actually, Wolverine, hang back for a moment would you?" asked Wyn.
He shrugged apathetically.
"Just stay here. I need to go speak with the guild master for a moment."
Doing as asked, as the rest of the team headed into the hall, Logan waited outside. He would have stayed there too if something hadn't caught his ear.
Was that…violin?
He turned to it, listening to the graceful sliding melody.
It was beautiful. He felt a warmth and contentment roll over him as his feet absentmindedly took him toward the sound. He found himself joining a crowd that had gathered around a street musician. A rather handsome man was absolutely melting a violin. He was in plain clothes with short green hair. Wait a minute.
"Minty!" shouted Logan snapping out of his trance.
The violinist spotted him.
"Oh," he said. "If it isn't my best friend, the angry metal man."
"What are ya doin' bub?"
"I know you're dense but you can't be that stupid," replied Minty with snark. "Isn't it obvious? I'm playing for all these fine men!" he shouted.
He shredded on his violin getting the crowd to cheer.
They didn't seem to notice or care that he was having a conversation while playing his enchanting song.
"Uh huh," said Wolverine unimpressed. "You wouldn't happen to be huntin' these fine men now would you?"
"Of course not," he replied with a cool smirk. "I swore on my own name I would never kill again."
"Then what are you doin'?"
"Grazing."
"Grazing?"
"Well, I can't hunt and I'm not going to let myself starve, so I took your advice and decided to take a small amount of life force from many instead of all from one. It's been an adjustment but what can you do? Of course you should have no problem with this as it was your suggestion."
Logan huffed.
"I do have to say. It may not be as satisfying but it is a lot easier," said Minty flourishing a brilliant chromatic slide up his strings. The crowd again cheered.
"Well just don't get carried away," said Logan disgruntled.
"Perish the thought Pincushion."
Logan did a double take.
"What did you just call me?"
"Well, since you gave me a stupid nickname I gave you one back. I think it fits well. You're spikey and full of metal."
"I didn't give it to you," he grumbled under his breath storming away.
"Ta ta!" called Minty with another chromatic flourish.
Wyn, Boksee, and Nih stepped through the open guild doors.
It was evening so it was fairly dead. A lone figure was doing some paper work at the long counter.
Spotting them his face lit up.
"Junior!" he boomed as the three entered.
"Dad!"
Boksee Sr. came out from behind the counter and met them half way scooping up his daughter in a one-armed bear hug.
"Dad!" she said squeezed and embarrassed. "Not in front of the paladin."
He put her down.
"Where by the king's beard have you been? You left for Ries for a week's trip and we don't see you for a bloom'n month!"
"We ended up on a long chase," said Boksee Jr. "I'll tell you all about it."
"You better. But first tell me, who is this elf?"
"Dad this is Nihlael the druid. He's our new party member."
"Well now," said Boksee Sr. looking him up. He whistled. "You are a tall one. Making up for her height are you?" he asked throwing his thumb at Boksee Jr.
"Oh har har," she sassed.
"It's a pleasure to meet you," said Nih professionally.
"Pleasure's all mine. I am just tickled pink. I can't remember the last time one of your lot was up this way."
"Huh," said Nih surprised. "That's certainly not the usual reaction of a man when his daughter brings home a dark elf."
"For sure. With Webs and Claws and now you, well, our little guild will be on the map in no time. No more one silver town for us."
"Hey," said Wyn offended.
"Maybe we'll even get a gold. But now come on," said Boksee Sr. ignoring her. "Come tell your ol' guild master all about this grand quest you were on.
"First we should go ahead and get Nih registered to our party," said Wyn.
"Oh you're no fun paladin," he replied. "Fine."
With the team following behind, Boksee Sr. hobbled over behind the long counter and pulled out an enormous tome.
As Nih approached, something caught his attention.
A fat ham like worm was lying beside him.
He recoiled in disgust.
"Why is there a soul larva on the counter?" he asked.
"A what?" asked Boksee Sr. flipping through pages.
"That's just Logan Jr.," said Boksee Jr. giving the worm a scratch behind what could generously be called a head. "He's a blotfather."
"Logan Jr.?" asked Nih disturbed.
The ranger laughed.
"Spider-man named him."
"My, those two know how to be adversarial."
"You said it," said Wyn.
"Oh, you're talking about ol' Logan Jr. Come on dark elf," said Boksee Senior scooping up the worm. "He's not so bad. After all he's my best employee."
"He's your only employee," said Boksee Jr.
"You've employed a soul larva?" said Nih deadpanned and disgusted.
"Go on. Give the little guy a scratch," said Boksee Sr. holding him up. "It's good luck."
"Where'd you get that idea you ol' coot?" asked Boksee Jr.
With a grimace, Nih reached down and ran a long-nailed finger up the thing's forehead.
It smiled.
"Oh my. That is an unfortunate texture."
"It feels like a wet ball sack don't it?" asked Boksee Jr. with a laugh.
The guild master sputtered.
"Now how would you know what that feels like young lady‽" he snapped.
"Uh oh."
"Boksee," interrupted Wyn smiling. "Before you beat your daughter, there is one more thing I wanted to talk to you about."
He turned to her and raised an eyebrow.
Just outside of the main street, the hot summer sun was beginning to set, sending long twisting shadows across a lush field. Wyn, her metal armor freshly repaired and shining, her long hair pulled back in a flowing ponytail, stood proud and regal as the evening wind blew around her. A pair of wooden swords were clasped in her hands. Standing some feet away she tossed one to Wolverine.
He caught it out of the air.
Boksee Sr. and Jr. were onlooking standing at a fence. A few passing kids noticed the adventurers squaring off and ran up to join them.
"It's time barbarian," pronounced Wyn.
"For?" asked Logan.
"Time for you to show me your true skill. The last time we trained here you held your cards close. You played along never revealing your true capabilities."
"Did I need to?" he asked rather blasé. He grinned. "Don't need much skill to whack Spider-man over the head. Kid couldn't tell the difference between a pommel and a pummeling. Probably 'cause I'm pummeling him with the pommel."
Wyn ignored his comment and dropped into a fighting stance, her mock blade stretched out toward him.
"Your guild master's watching. Can't hide now," she said with a sly smile. "Time for you to show us what you can really do."
Wolverine raised an eyebrow at her then looked down at the wooden sword in his hand. A smile spread across his stubbled lips.
"Hm, well this ain't my preferred model," he said flourishing it through the air then catching it snapping it into place. "But I'll sure give ya a workout tuts."
He raised into a fighting stance.
Crack!
Wood clattered against wood.
"Blow me down," said Boksee Jr. as the two dueling adventurers wove back and forth in front of them. The kids were shouting in amazement and joy.
The paladin and barbarian were bouncing their wooden blades off each other in a perfectly synced dance of attacks and parries.
Wolverine thrust the point of his sword directly toward Wyn's chest.
Crack!
She was able to throw her sword up derailing his attack.
"Barbarian? Are we sure he's not a fighter?" asked Boksee Sr.
Wyn slashed low only to be expertly blocked by Wolverine. He twisted her blade out of their lock and threw his sword over his head toward her other side.
Crack!
Wyn blocked high and tried to bludgeon him with the hilt.
Wolverine spun out of the hold seamlessly flowing into another attack on her low side. It connected with her waist.
"HIT!" shouted Boksee Sr. "That's a hit silver! You're dead!"
Wyn gasped down surprised at the wooden blade to her side.
Wolverine gave her a smirk.
She shoved him.
"Good work barbarian," she said conceding. They both relaxed, smiling and wiping the sweat from their brows.
"You know the sword isn't my main," she said pushing her hair back regaining her poise.
"Ain't mine either tuts," he said with a fanged smile.
The Boksees walked up before Wyn could retort.
"Wow, remind me not to get in a sword fight with you," said Boksee Jr.
"What a show!" exclaimed Boksee Sr. "You two have to be the best swordsmen in Boar Bramble. You sure you're not a fighter?" he asked to Logan.
Before he could reply, Wyn spoke up.
"Don't be ridiculous. Wolverine is a clear as day barbarian. He's just really honed his prowess in swordcraft. That's all."
"Maybe he's got some dual classing going on," said Boksee Jr. "I've heard that's a thing. Right?" she asked to her dad.
Boksee Sr. nodded.
"I-"
Logan was cut off again.
"Barbarians are also proficient in martial weapons. There's no reason he couldn't have just developed the skill in his barbarian build," argued Wyn.
Logan just shrugged, tossing down his mock sword and walking away as the women argued about him.
"Hey!" shouted Wyn seeing him leave.
He turned back around with a scowl.
"What?"
She threw his sword back into his arms.
"Don't think you're getting away without a rematch," she said with a gleam in her eye.
Gripping the hilt tight, Logan smirked.
With the sun setting in full, the night was marked as their first back in Boar Bramble.
Wolverine and Spider-man were both settled into their respective beds. Their inn room was even smaller than they remembered, and that was saying something, considering they had just spent half a month in a dwarven settlement.
Spider-man watched as a fat droplet of wax wept down the side of Wolverine's candle.
"So do you think it's true that if you go to sleep with a candle lit you'll wet the bed?" he asked.
"Well if you wake up in a puddle of piss you'll know," Wolverine replied trying to keep his focus on his book.
Spider-man rolled over to look at him.
"So… whatcha reading?"
"The chronicles of mind your own business."
"Hm, was never a fan of that series."
Spider-man webbed the book out of Wolverine's hands and caught it out of the air.
"HEY!"
Spider-man read the title out loud.
"The Fruit of Twenty-Two Summer Nights?"
He gave Logan a disturbed look.
Wolverine leapt out of bed and snatched it back.
"Mind your own business ya little puke."
Spider-man laughed.
"And give me a little quiet would ya'?"
With a huff, Wolverine settled back into bed and tried to find his page.
Spider-man made it a whole forty-three seconds before piping up again.
"So I saw a violinist today," he said. "That was neat."
Logan threw down his book.
"That was Minty you idiot!"
"Who?"
"The näcken!"
"Ooh! I didn't recognize him. Did he get a haircut?"
Logan rolled his eyes picking his book back up.
"I guess that's why I got caught watching him for a half an hour. That's probably not healthy right? You know what else is not healthy? Reading by candle light. It strains your eyes."
Wolverine gave him an absolutely exasperated look. Marking his page this time, he grabbed his pillow and calmly walked over to Spider-man.
"Um, Wolvie?"
He shoved the pillow over Spider-man's face.
"MmmMm!"
"Sleeeeeeep," hissed Wolverine holding it down.
With a flail Spider-man managed to grab it away from him and hop to his feet up on the bed.
"You hairy old butt rag!"
Wolverine laughed shielding himself as Spider-man whomped him with the pillow.
"Is this what we've been reduced to?" asked Spider-man still assaulting him with the plush. "We're having pillow fights now? When do we talk about our crrrushes?" he asked whacking him particularly hard in the face.
Wolverine's fanged smile never faded.
"Well," he said thinking. "We could always take it up a notch."
He ejected a set of claws.
"OoOH!" cried Spider-man hopping up on the short ceiling. "Eek! I need an adult!" he cried scuttling around the room as Wolverine followed behind him menacingly.
There were bangs on the walls.
"Keep it down!" shouted a voice from the neighboring room.
"There are people trying to sleep!" shouted a different neighbor.
"Whoops," said Spider-man.
The two men got back into bed.
Wolverine picked up his book, looked at it, then put it down.
"Fine," he groaned. "Can we meet in the fuck'n middle? I'll blow out the light if you don't say another word? Deal?"
Spider-man thought.
"Fine," he agreed.
Wolverine blew out the candle and the two were submerged in an almost complete darkness.
Spider-man whispered.
"I broke the deal."
He had to dodge as Wolverine threw his book at him.
The morning sun dappled pleasantly through a small patch of trees. Birds fluttered and sung through the branches.
"So how's camp'n treat'n ya?' asked Wolverine.
"Very well," answered Nih. "The plants of Nehfar are very agreeable. As such my shelter is particularly nice this time." His long ears twitched back as he took a sip of his tea.
Wolverine, Spider-man, Boksee Jr., and Nih were gathered not too far from the market. Some tables and chairs made from carved stumps were set up for public use, and the team was indeed making use of them. Boksee had brought a large kettle of tea for them to share.
"So is this something you usually do?" asked Spider-man slowly oozing another spoonful of honey into his cup.
"Oh yes. I am nomadic and prefer my own space over sleeping in inns."
"Mm," grunted Logan understanding.
"It's quite lovely. I've set up between a beautiful natural spring and a handsome brook. The towering trees shield me from the worst of the sun and I've already been able to forage quite a number of helpful mushrooms. I hope you all will come to see it."
"Fuck that," said Wolverine. "Need a roommate?"
"Inn not treating you well?" asked Boksee.
"Inn's fine," gruffed Logan.
"Then…?"
"It's that one," he said pointing at Spider-man.
"Me?" asked Spider-man innocently.
"Yes you. He talks my ear off all night. Literally all night. He talks in his sleep."
"I am aware," said Nih pleasantly.
"Well it's not like bunking with you is a night at the Hilton," retorted Spider-man. "To start with there's the smell. He ripped one last night that tried to kill me."
Logan chuckled.
"Then there's the hair. So much hair. He sheds! He shaves every morning and every morning there's like a pile of little hair pellets," said Spider-man twisting his fingers together. "I don't understand how so much hair can come out of your body."
"Well he is a-"
"You make one jab about me being a werewolf," he interrupted stabbing a finger at Boksee.
She bit her lips.
"Then let's talk about Wolverine's nocturnal activities," continued Spider-man.
"I am very interested in that," said Nih.
"Maybe you two just need some space," interrupted Boksee. "Have you thought about getting separate rooms?"
Wolverine and Spider-man looked at each other and shrugged.
"We've tried," said Logan turning back to Nih and Boksee.
"Glenda said she doesn't have the room to spare so if we separated she would just make us sleep with strangers," said Spider-man.
"Anywhere to buy a tent?" asked Wolverine.
"Hurtful," said Spider-man.
"I don't know about a tent," said Boksee. "But there is an old cottage up for real cheap," she said taking a drink.
Logan raised his eyebrows.
Spider-man gave him a puzzled look.
At last the familiar sound of clunky footsteps came jostling toward them.
"About time paladin," said Boksee as Wyn clonked up to their table. She threw a thumb. "We already resorted to discussing Wolverine's gas."
Wolverine and Spider-man snickered.
Nih tried to hide a grin as he took a sip. "Truly disgraceful."
"I don't want to know," said Wyn waving them off. "Sorry it took so long. The courier was trying to get me to pay an additional fee for 'excessive weight'. Can you believe that? He's a courier. It's his job to carry things."
Wyn slammed a book down on the table. It was so thick it was taller than it was wide, and it was pretty darn wide.
"NO!" cried Spider-man. "Please professor I've only had three hours of sleep!" he exclaimed flailing backwards. "Oh, sorry. I think I just had a flashback," he said relaxing.
Logan laughed at his joke.
"Um Wyn, what is this thing?" asked Boksee.
"Isn't it great? I first read it in Ries in the library but wasn't able to get very far."
"Because you were kicked out?"
Wyn shot her a death glare.
"Anyway, I was able to find it in a bookstore but I couldn't carry it around with us so I had it shipped back here. It took this long to arrive. Cypherius' Complete Compendium of Contemporary Adventuring Classes," she declared.
"CCCAC," said Spider-man blandly pronouncing it like 'kak'.
"Or would it be pronounced, sac?" asked Nih. They giggled.
"Cock," said Logan.
The males burst out laughing.
Wyn inhaled looking like she was ready to beat them.
"Let me guess," said Boksee. "You got Cock to try to figure out Spider-man's class."
"Don't call it that!" she snapped. "But yes. There's also so much value in having everything we need to know about classes condensed into one tome. I can't wait to read it. But actually, the reason I gathered us here today is for Wolverine."
"Heh?" he asked.
Spider-man gave him a confused look.
"I thought we agreed he was a barbarian."
"We did but he's starting to get…mmm…along in his adventuring and it might be time to start thinking about his path."
"My path?"
"Yes. When an adventuring barbarian reaches a certain level of experience he chooses a path to better focus his abilities. Basically it's your subclass."
"There are classes in the classes?" asked Spider-man. "I still don't even have the one."
"Now Logan. Based on your skill you may already have your path set we just haven't officially added it to your sheet."
"Do all classes have subclasses?" asked Spider-man.
Nih nodded.
"Do you all have sub classes?"
"I'm a hunter," said Boksee.
"I joined the circle of the land," said Nih.
"And I took the oath of vengeance," said Wyn.
"Far out," said Spider-man. "Man," he said putting his hand behind his head. "I feel kind of left out now."
"Don't worry Spider-man," said Wyn stroking her book. "You're a complicated case I'll give you that. But I'm sure with this we'll-"
"Why ain't he a monk again?" asked Logan.
"Huh?" asked Wyn interrupted.
"A monk. Why ain't he one?"
"Oh you read over the list?" asked Wyn happily surprised.
He nodded.
"You thought he was a ranger," he said at Boksee. "You thought you might be an artificer," he said to Spider-man. "I'm say'n when did we mark out monk? Unarmed combat. Agility. Dexterity. Evasion. What are we missing here?"
"That's a good question," said Wyn. "But I marked out monk early on as monks use chi and spellcasting. You're not trained in the art of chi manipulation right?" she asked to Spider-man.
"Nope."
"See. They also have strict disciplines and typically have formal education in their martial art."
"Oh oh I do have some of that," said Spider-man excitedly.
"You do?" asked Logan taken aback.
"Yah,"
"You know a martial art?"
"Uh huh. Way of the spider."
"That's not a thing."
"Sure it is."
"Kid, I been learn'n fight'n since before your grandparents were born. That ain't a thing."
"Shang Chi and I made it."
"What? That don't count!"
"Of course it does. He's like a certified master guy."
"Shifu!"
"Oh…" said Spider-man in realization. "Shang Chi is a monk. See he's got the martial arts and like the magic rings and yah. Yah, I'm not like him."
"Well whatever the case is," said Wyn. "The answer's in here," she said taking a seat by Boksee. "We just have to have the skill and diligence to find it."
"You mean you do," said Boksee.
"But first let's get back to Wolverine said Wyn ignoring her. "Now," she said throwing open the tome and finding the right page. "There are eight-"
"Oh, hey ma!" exclaimed Boksee.
The group turned to see a tiny middle-aged woman, about waist high, carrying a full-sized pie. She had a full head of tightly curled hair and pointed ears.
"Oh hello Mrs. Nona," said Wyn looking up.
"Hello Arianwyn. And hello to everyone else."
"What brings you by?" asked Boksee.
"Well, when you said you were meeting with your party today, I realized we had never properly met, besides me and Arianwyn of course. I wanted to stop by and introduce myself and thought you all might enjoy a treat. Battling monsters for days on end must build up an appetite."
"Heh, you've got no idea," said Logan elbowing Spider-man. Spider-man didn't move. He was stuck staring at Nona.
"Uh, kid?"
"She's…she's… so small!" he whispered yelled. He clenched his fists to his face looking like he was ready to start hyperventilating. "She's so cute with her little apron, and her pie, and her mom aesthetic, and so small and little pointy ears…" he made some unintelligible noises of delight.
"Huh, never took you for the milf type," whispered Logan.
"I don't think that's what's happening here," whispered Nih joining the conversation.
"Now then, who are all these strapping fellows?" asked Nona placing her pie on Cock and making her way over toward the males.
Spider-man quickly pulled his hands back down.
"Well this must be the druid Nihlael of course," she said to Nih. "My you are tall. Now for the men. She looked back and forth between Wolverine and Spider-man putting a tiny finger to her pointy little chin.
"You must be Wolverine the barbarian," she said pointing out Logan.
"Got that right sweet heart."
"Oh," she said giving him a little hand flip. "Now don't let my husband hear you talking to me like that. So you must be Spider-man the… I'm sorry hun, I don't remember what your class is."
"Oh, we don't know what Spider-man is yet," said Boksee taking a bite of pie while Wyn tried to move it off of Cock. "We were just talking about that."
"Oh don't worry hun, you're young. You've got all the time in the world to figure yourself out," she said patting his thigh.
Spider-man looked like a bundle of new born puppies had been plopped in his lap.
"Anyway," said Wyn getting them back on topic. "There are eight different paths the barbarian may choose from. Let's go over them."
Their first day back in Boar Bramble continued to go by pleasantly and unremarkably.
Spider-man was in the final stages of his healing, finding himself in that awkward restless place where he wanted to start doing stuff but kept tiring out or was straight up scolded for the attempt. He was up and moving about with little issue but he was not ready for any training or combat. He wasn't even allowed to go work at the stables as the team universally shut that notion down. Eventually he managed to find his way over to Nih's place for a visit and was rescued from his boredom as the two spent the afternoon fishing. Spider-man was able to catch quite the healthy perch and gave it to Nih as a housewarming gift.
Wolverine's day was a little more eventful. Wyn chased him around all through it. Every time he thought he had lost her she would pop up again trying to get him to learn something or wanting him to demonstrate what he already knew from archery to zoology. At this point he felt like something was going on but she would always deny it when asked, claiming she just wanted him to be prepared. He read his book, worked out, worked off some steam, got a drink, took a nap, all the good activities.
"Berserker."
"Huh?"
That evening, Wolverine and Spider-man were in the market. They had met back up to pick up some groceries for dinner deciding it was more cost effective to start cooking some of their own meals when they had the opportunity.
"Berserker," said Logan again sourly. "They called me a berserker."
"Are you still on that?" asked Spider-man parsing through a bin of potatoes. "I don't see what the big deal is."
Logan cleared his throat then put on a bad imitation of Wyn.
"A barbarian berserker, defined by their ability to enter frenzies of mindless rage giving them unrivaled brutality in combat at the cost of the total disregard of their own safety."
He dropped the act and hunched bitterly.
"I mean, it's true though," said Spider-man. "What about this one?" he asked holding a potato up to Logan's face.
He leaned forward and gave it a sniff.
"No."
Spider-man sighed and put it back.
"It ain't like I'm proud of it," Logan retorted. "I don't try to do it. I don't train to do it. I train not to do it."
"Can you have an accidental subclass?" asked Spider-man. "Ok. This one?" He presented another potato.
Logan sniffed it.
"Ya kidding?"
With a bigger sigh Spider-man put it back.
"Like what if they gave you a class based on being an unimpressive clown that no one takes seriously?"
"Ow!" exclaimed Spider-man putting a hand to his chest. "Right in my insecurity," he grunted. "That actually hurt Howlett," snarked Spider-man turning his attention back to the bin.
"See, how you think I feel?"
"I wasn't aware you had feelings," said Spider-man picking up and thoroughly inspecting another spud. "Besides crochety of course."
He held the potato to Wolverine. He took a long sniff.
"Uh uh."
"Why are you so picky all of a sudden‽" exclaimed the younger man throwing it back in the bin. "We're going to be here all day!"
"I just know what good food smells like."
"You say'n my potatoes aren't good?" gruffed a deep voice.
The farmer manning the stand stepped out from behind the bin. He walked up towering over the both of them.
Logan sneered a fanged smile.
"What if I am bub?" he answered stepping in close as the man and mutant sized each other up.
"You are not starting a street fight over potatoes!" scolded Spider-man squeezing in between them. "We were just talking about how you're not proud of your anger."
"Do I look angry kid?" he said still jeering. "He might be though."
"I'm not yet, but if you insult my rhubarb I'll be."
"You're not helping!" exclaimed Spider-man getting squeezed tighter as they closed in.
"Spider-man!" called a voice interrupting the standoff.
They turned to see their guild master walking toward them.
"Boksee!" exclaimed Spider-man popping out of the squabble.
"Eh Barden! You best not be causing trouble now boy!" the guild master shouted at the farmer.
The potato guy huffed like a bull.
"Be gone with you now!" he said waving him off. Much to Logan's disappointment, the farmer went back to manning his stand.
They moved away from the produce and gave Boksee their attention.
"Thanks for that," said Spider-man.
"Yah thanks," grumbled Logan annoyed.
"Any time," answered Boksee unphased. "How you doing Wolvie? Long time no see Spider-man. Glad to see you're still in one piece. Heard you took one nasty arrow to the back."
"Yah, and I've got a new scar to prove it."
"Do you now? Righty then, let the old guild master take a peek."
"What?"
"Let me see."
Spider-man laughed.
"Alright."
Smiling, he turned around and rolled up his shirt to reveal the fresh red gouge beneath his shoulder blade.
"Daw, that's a cute one," said Boksee poking it. "You should give the little fellow a name."
"Name my scars? Not even I'm that weird. Besides, I've got a matching one on the front. I'd have to name them both," he said turning around to show off the exit scar under his left pec.
Boksee laughed.
"Ha ha! Look at that! He's got a set of twins. Definitely gotta name 'em now!"
He turned Spider-man around to get a better look.
"Heavens to Betsy lad, that arrow went clean through you didn't it?"
"I wouldn't say 'clean' exactly," said Spider-man.
"Yah more like spurty," said Wolverine. "And screamy."
"It hurt."
"Ah hah," laughed Boksee again. "That takes me back. Next time you two are in the guild I'll show you Ol' Millicent," he said wriggling his arm stump at them. "Now that's a gnarly one. Hateful hag. What about you Wolvie? I bet you've got some ugly old bastards."
Logan just chuckled.
"Well," said Boksee. "I'll be seeing you fellas around. I've got a heap of mmm… preparations I gotta go do."
"For what?" asked Spider-man.
"Oh never you mind."
He gave Wolverine a particular look, then took his leave.
"What was that about?" asked Logan looking at Spider-man.
"Uh duh nuh," he said shrugging.
The displaced super humans were by the common hearth of the inn preparing their dinner. They still had a little time to get everything chopped while waiting for their turn at the cooking pot.
"Hmm, now this takes me back," said Logan as they peeled the potatoes.
"Hm?" asked Spider-man.
"I think I can remember, yah, me and Silver Fox used to make this all the time. Was this a family recipe?"
"Who?"
"You wouldn't know her, at least I hope not. Anyway that would have been way before you were born."
"How long?"
"Uhhh… early 1900s? Way back. Had to be something like that. Right?"
"Jeeze."
Logan looked over at the square monstrosity in Spider-man's hand.
"Fuck kid. You ever peel a potato in your life?"
"Ok," replied Spider-man affronted. "I was raised not to judge a man by the squareness of his potato."
"You gotta move with the curves," said Logan. "It's like pleasin' a pretty gal. Move with the curves," he said gliding his knife under the skin. He moaned as it curled off in one long strip.
"Stop making peeling potatoes sexual!"
"UUUhhhh," moaned Logan again.
"Stop it!" laughed Spider-man.
"Hey, it gets results," he said holding up his perfectly peeled spud.
It was flawless, every curve, lump and bump of the potato was caressed and tended to.
Spider-man gasped and the two laughed.
"Hello men," said a voice.
They turned to see Wyn approaching them.
"Hey tuts. Come for another round of 'studying'? Maybe you'd like to see my 'sword skills' again?"
Wyn whacked him on the back of the head.
"No. I'm just here to deliver a message. Guild master wants to see you," she said to Wolverine.
Logan raised an eyebrow.
"Am I in trouble?" he asked facetiously. He smiled remembering all the times he had been called up to Xavier's office to get chewed out.
"I don't think so."
"Hm, sorry. He's gonna have to take a rain check. I'm cook'n," he said grabbing another potato.
"Oh come on," said Spider-man. "I think I can boil some potatoes while you're gone. I'll finish cutting everything up and you can add it all together when you get back."
Logan considered this, hard.
He shrugged.
"Alright."
Making his way through the guild hall, into the back room, and up the narrow back stairs, the mutant followed Wyn's directions and headed for the door at the end of the corridor.
Approaching, he gave it a knock, his metal knuckles cracking loudly against the dense wood.
"Come in."
He entered into a small office. It was so cluttered with tomes and bins, and all manner of adventurer paraphernalia that it took him a moment to see the huge desk filling most of the room. It took him another moment to see Boksee Sr. behind it. Shifting through the mess, he found there was only one spot, directly in front of the desk that had a space carved out enough for anyone to actually see its owner.
"Ah, Wolverine. Thank you for coming," said Boksee from between the towers of junk, doing his best imitation of a calm but firm authority figure. He slowly slid a skull out of his way giving him room to straighten his papers.
"Wanna tell me why I'm here?" asked Logan.
Boksee motioned for him to sit.
With the air of indifference, Wolverine shoved some books off a rickety wooden chair and plopped down.
Not too long later, Wolverine re-entered the inn.
Stepping into the common room he was immediately hit with the smell of burnt starch.
"You've gotta be…" he grumbled.
As if on cue Spider-man, a new bundle of potatoes in his arms came running through the door.
"Logan!" he exclaimed surprised nearly running into him and dropping his spuds.
"Kid," said Logan skeptically. He looked down at the potatoes than met his eyes.
"Uh…" said Spider-man caught. "So remember when I said I could boil the potatoes?"
"How the fuck did you mess up boiling potatoes?"
"I've never cooked over a fire before! Not like actually cook! First I accidentally let the fire die, then when I tried to relight it, it got too big and the water boiled over so then I tried to grab the pot away but it burned me and I spilled it everywhere. Then when I went to go get more water and wood I didn't realize the potatoes were still cooking in the pot so then they burnt and got stuck and now Glenda wants to kill me."
Wolverine ran his hands over his face.
"Ooooh," he groaned. "It don't matter no ways," he said after a long pause. "We got other plans tonight now."
"We do?"
"Uh huh. Just throw those poor things down before you massacre them too and come on."
Despite night having fallen in full, the guild hall was filled with adventurers and townsfolk alike. The warm summer air blew in and out of the great wooden doorway bringing with it a lightness of spirit and excitement to all inside. Every chair was filled. Every wall was covered with glowing torches and one very special wall had the honor of holding a sitting Spider-man. The crowd was engaged in ruckus and merriment, groups chatting and laughing amongst themselves waiting for the guild master.
The door to the back was thrown open and Boksee Sr. finally sauntered out.
"Now now. Settle down you lot," boomed Boksee. "Hey! Settle down! That means you too Jorunn! Put down the knife!"
The crowd laughed but finally quieted.
Boksee Sr. grinned putting his hand to his hip.
"Good people of Boar Bramble," he announced. "It is my duty and great privilege to once again welcome you to the Boar Bramble Adventurers Guild. Ah, enough pomp," he said quickly giving up. "You all know why we're here. Logan, get on up here."
Moving away from his excited party, Wolverine stepped up in front of the crowd.
Boksee grabbed him around the shoulder turning him to face the group.
"For an exceptional display of strategy and leadership," the guild master began to proclaim. "Leading a mid-range team to victory against a legendary encounter; a solid display of his own prowess in battle, taking down a chuul in a single blow; a masterful display of swordsmanship; and… wait for it…just barely squeaking by on his knowledge exam; I am proud to present The Wolverine the Barbarian with his emerald level adventurer rank!"
He placed a brilliant green pendent around Logan's burly neck. The crowd, especially his team, erupted into applause.
"Ah ha," said Boksee giving him a few good hard thumps on the shoulder. "You know what happens now! Everyone! To the pub!"
The poor pub was absolutely bursting at its seams. It seemed, whether the townspeople really knew Logan well enough to care or not, they were not about to turn down a rank up night.
The barkeep, angry wife in tow, forced his way through the crowd toward Boksee Sr.
"Hey barkeep, I'm empty!"
"Need a drink here!"
"Boksee!" he shouted finally catching him.
Surrounded by his mates, the guild master pulled his face out of his pint.
"Oh Marcel!" he said seeing the barkeep, his beard full of foam. "Perfect timing. I could use a-"
"How many times do I have to tell you‽" shouted the overwhelmed barkeep. "You have to give me some warning! You can't just drop half of Boar Bramble at my door an hour before closing!"
"Oh tut. Its good business isn't it?"
"Business‽" shouted the wife pulling up her sleeves. "By thunder you boar faced lout, I'll show you business!"
As yet another fight broke out in the boisterous crowd, Wolverine sat with his team. They huddled over their table as happy bodies shifted around them.
"So this is what you've been up to tuts," said Wolverine cradling a rather conservative lone mead.
"What?" asked Wyn failing at sounding surprised. "I don't know what you're talking about. I told you, I simply wanted you to be prepared."
"Yah right paladin," said Boksee Jr. She turned to the group. "She practically had my poor dad forced against a wall going through every reason she could think of to rank him up. Looks like some of it stuck."
"Well that's how it works. You nominate someone to be ranked, and the guild master evaluates them. I simply provided him with relevant information to consider. After all, I'd say Wolverine earned it after this last quest," she said taking a drink.
"Well whatever the case, green suits you barbarian," said Boksee Jr.
Wolverine looked down at the pendant on his furry chest.
He smirked.
"Platinum would look better."
Wyn nearly spat out her drink.
"With your knowledge scores?" she exclaimed in disbelief.
The team laughed.
"How are you feeling about this web head?" asked Boksee.
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Well, Wolvie outranks you now. You alright with that?"
"Eh," said Spider-man shrugging. "I'm kind of bummed we're not twinzies anymore but I'm not upset."
"Do not fret my snail ears. I'm sure you will catch up soon," said Nih.
"I'm not upset!" he asserted again, a little less believably this time.
"By the way Darlin'," said Wolverine. "Is your dad a hoarder?"
"Huh?"
"I did the exam in his office this time."
"Oh! You got called up to the sty?" Boksee laughed. "I'm surprised the floor hasn't fallen out of the place yet."
"I've offered to help him clean it out," said Wyn.
"You think ma and I haven't? He likes it that way."
There was a crash.
Straining to see through the crowd around them, the team looked over to see a growing hoard of patrons brawling, Boksee Sr. and the barkeep's wife at the center of it.
"Should we uh, break them up?" asked Spider-man.
"And ruin the fun?" asked Logan grinning.
"No! Not the beard you wench!" cried Boksee Sr.
"Looks like Dad could use some help. Ready to hop in?" asked Boksee Jr. to Wolverine cracking her knuckles.
"Nah."
"Huh?"
The entire team looked at him surprised.
"I don't know about you all, but I'm starvin'," he answered throwing back the rest of his mead. "And it don't look like we'll be gett'n any food here any time soon."
He gave an amused look at the fight. The barkeep was in the thick of it.
"What do you all say we just ditch this joint and go find somethin' to eat?"
The team smiled.
"I'm in," said Spider-man.
"But first we've got to get out of here," said Wyn looking up at the mass of people around them.
Boksee Jr. raspberried.
"Silver, I'm surprised at you. Throw around your weight lass."
Over the shouts and hollers and laughs and fights of the overflowing crowd, there was a loud whistle.
The patrons all stopped and looked.
The silver rank of Boar Bramble was standing on a table, her arm outstretched demanding their attention.
"Listen here!" she commanded over them. "The man of the hour has to piss, clear the way!"
Logan laughed as Wyn hopped down. The townspeople managed to squeeze themselves into every nook and cranny giving the team just enough room to pass.
"Thanks," said Spider-man to some random people as they made it to the door.
The party regrouped outside on the empty cobblestone street. The temperature was beginning to drop, the wind still blowing, giving the night an exhilarating bite. The only light was that of the pub's leaking out onto the pavement.
"So where do you think we can find food at this hour?" asked Wyn.
"We still have that stuff we were going to cook for dinner," answered Spider-man.
"I have mushrooms," said Nih happily.
"To toss with that," shot back Boksee offended. "I'd say this is a glorious night for a midnight hunt! What do you say lycanthrope?"
The team all looked to Wolverine.
He looked back.
"Honestly," he said with an air of contentment. "I don't really care where we go."
The End.
Thank you to Cruz7808 for inspiring Spidey's armor, and, thank you to my reader who reminded me that I needed to explain why Spidey's not a monk. I didn't know if you'd be ok with your name being shouted out but you know who you are. :)