My Only Regret (Is Not Fighting For You)

The life of a spy is never glamorous. Things like loyalty and commitment do not exist in a world where greed and secrets are worth killing for. You live every day with a target on your back…every relationship another bullet that will either force you to sacrifice your life or take someone else's. They teach you not to fall in love…they first forbade and then discouraged you to marry. It makes no difference at all.

Robert Scorpio spent most of his life pretending to be someone else for the government…turning his heart as cold as stone so he could never show the slightest sign of weakness…Vulnerability could get you killed in a mission…it has almost done that more times than he could count. He does not regret any of it. He has only one regret in his life. Just one. He was looking right at her.

"Robert, are you okay," Anna asks.

He has visions of her in a white dress…her smile as radiant as her heart.

She touches his face…he feels warm and clammy. For a moment, he looks as if he will pass out.

"I think I'm having heart failure," he manages to say.

"What? Do I need to call an ambulance? How long has this been going on?"

"Not that kind of heart failure Luv…"

"Robert," she says, as he reaches for her hand, imploring her to stay just a little longer.

"Hear me out okay…please…for old times' sake."

She says nothing as she helps him to his feet. She follows him inside his hotel room.

"Where is all this…this nostalgia coming from," she asks?

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life since I came back here. When you went missing, I…"

"It's okay Scorpio. I know that you care about me. I care about you too."

"Please just listen Luv. I have to get this off my chest. You don't want me to have a lifetime of regret do you?"

"Haven't you had enough regret Robert?"

"I have one regret Anna. It has to do with you."

He feels her tense at his words and he waits her out. The last thing he wants is for her to feel worse than she already does."

"I'm sorry I hurt you Robert. You have to know how much. If I could do things over…"

"That's not what I regret Anna…What I regret is not showing you compassion…not fighting harder to forgive you…not pressing harder to find out the reasons for your actions. "

"You…You do," she asks.

"I do. I regret not fighting for you…for our marriage…all this time I've been walking around in someone else's shoes…it has to be someone else…I can't really be the man who can so easily put you behind him…not you…not the woman who means everything to me."

"I hurt you…you had every right to wash your hands of me…I hated it but I never blamed you. I had it coming."

"But who was I really hurting Anna? I hurt myself most of all. It's my own bloody fault that you moved on…and…and that you don't think of me in that way anymore."

"Who says I don't," she questioned. "You never asked."

"I'm making a mess of things aren't I…again?"

"Not totally Robert. I'm just a bit confused."

"You? "

"You're not making much sense okay. I need you to spell it out."

"I'm a little confused myself," he admits.

"Okay…about what? "

"About why you would rather take another shot on a man that has almost gotten you killed numerous times…that would cheat on you with that psychopath…that very well could end your career…instead of…"

"Go on Robert. I'm not going to bite…not unless you want me to."

His cheeks turn a shade of bright red and she almost laughs outright...almost...if not for his obvious discomfort she probably would have. She likes seeing him tangled up in knots because of her... Robert Scorpio was a man who did not usually bare his soul this way…not unless it mattered. How could she have fun at his expense? No matter how tempting it might be.

"Instead of a man who still loves you madly…who wants just one more chance to prove to you that you belong together. "

"Do I know this man," she joked.

"You are looking at him," he says. "I was a fool Anna. Such a fool for so long. I'm not asking you to forgive me right away but…"

"You? What could I possibly have to forgive you for?"

"For everything I didn't do to show you how much you mean to me…for every time I said hurtful things to you…for every tear I made you cry…every moment I made you feel worthless…I don't have much to offer you Anna…not like him. I am not the kind of rich he is…I cannot shower you with diamonds and caviar. I mean granted, he bought it with dirty money but…"

"No Buts. You are right. That means the gifts do not matter to me. You know I'm not vain."

"I want to give you the world Luv. I would if I could. All I have left to offer you is this beaten up heart and the promise that from here on out, I am not going to run. No matter how far you may push me. I just want to know one thing Anna…I will respect whatever choice you make…I just…I need to know."

"That sounds fair."

"Do I have any chance at all of winning you back? Is your heart completely his or…or is just a little bit of your heart…the part that is still mine…do you think some day you might be able to love me again…forgive me?"

"Robert, I'm…I'm sorry."

"Oh," he says. "I'm sorry to have wasted your time then." His face has lost all color now and he looks about as sad as he did the day he learned of her betrayal. She has regrets too. She regrets all those times she chose to lie to him…about his daughter…about her betrayal. About everything. She could not stand to see that look in his eyes a second longer. She would never put it there again.

"I can't forgive you Robert because…There is nothing to forgive. I cannot love you again because I never fell out of love with you. All you ever had to do was ask…how could you not know that? When you saw me for the first time in seven years, even as angry as you were…you knew why I was there…I know you did…All I ever wanted was you. I still do. If you are asking…"

"I am one hundred percent asking…"

"Then I accept. If you want me to choose between you and Duke, my choice is you. It will always be you."

She throws her arms around his neck and he holds her close, kissing her hair, breathing the scent of her jasmine shampoo. "Good God I love you."

"I love you too Robert. Always have…always will. No more misunderstandings okay. Let's not waste any more time."

His fingers snake through her hair as he brushes his lips against hers. Never has anyone ever felt so warm and sinful at the same time. He missed her. Missed this. Missed everything.

"Come lay with me Scorpio," she asks.

"It will be my pleasure," he says.

She settles against his chest and plays with the stray hair as she looks at him. "Can you hold me tonight? Just hold me."

His eyes hold all the answers and he opens the nightstand and pulls out a PCPD shirt. "You might be more comfortable in this."

She smiles and kisses his cheek. "So thoughtful you are. I will be right back."

When she comes out of the bathroom, he is already in his boxers waiting for her. Just as he has every time before, he pulled the cover down.

"You look nice Robert. You always were handsome. I forgot how much."

"You forgot," he quipped.

"Okay you got me. I tried to forget."

"And how did that work out for you?"

"Terribly."

"I never forgot how beautiful you are. It was impossible so I didn't even try. You still knock me completely off my feet."

He pauses as he reaches out his hand. "I saved your place Luv. Come get warm. It's getting late."

She glances at the clock and smiles. It was not late in any definition of late. She knew what he was getting at. He wanted more time to hold her.

She accepts his hand as she climbs into the bed with him. She settles her head on his chest as his arms come around her. She smiles. He smiles.

"What shall we talk about tonight," he asks her. "Or would you rather we not say anything."

"I'm tired Robert. Would you mind terribly if we just…stayed just like this."

"I would not mind at all. Holding you is one of my very favorite things to do."

He meant it. Every word. He never knew that holding a woman without making love to her could be the most intimate thing of all…and yet, somehow with Anna, it was.