I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit. Been saying "yes" instead of "no"…

Yuka smiled and laughed, confident and free. It was a far cry from how she was the first time she visited America, back in middle school. She hadn't been sad or scared, per se, but last time… Well, it was painfully and embarrassingly obvious in hindsight that Neo was not a good person. It wasn't just her arrogance, but her selfishness.

Neo was so one-track-minded and unemotional that it bordered on sociopathy, and Yuka wasn't one to throw around such accusations lightly. Even if Yuka hadn't realized it then, returning to America now, with Peaky by her side, helped her see it in a new light. Although, as frustrating as it was, Yuka still couldn't bring herself to fully hate the other girl. Instead, even though she had a strong feeling that Neo would no longer be there, Yuka still looked for. There was fear and longing, both, in her heart.

I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though…

As she and Peaky made their way out of New York City and to the beach, Yuka guided them expertly through the subways and bus routes. Even though it had been years since last she visited America, at least a few parts of her first trip were burned into her brain. Buses and Neo. What an odd pair! It was worth a laugh, at least until Yuka thought she saw that straight, golden hair and those sharp, sapphire eyes. Her breath hitched in her throat, but by the time she did a doubletake, a bus had driven past, and the other woman was gone.

I hit the ground running each night. I hit the Sunday matinée.

Yuka shook her head in self-chastisement. She wanted to enjoy this trip to America, not waste it wondering and worrying about… her. She tried to distract herself by going on jogs through the city, even while the rest of her team slept, be it early morning or late night. But even during the day, when they would go out and do fun things together, Neo still had an infuriating way of sneaking into Yuka's mind rent-free.

You know the greatest films of all time were never made.

The first time Yuka ever said those words, they were a question to Neo. They'd watched Sunday matinées together too. Yuka, being the camera-crazed girl she was, knew about filmography almost as much as she knew about photography. But her question wasn't merely an excuse to launch into cinema-based trivia. She was sitting beside Peaky today, but her brain was years away, back when it was just her and Neo against the world.

You know the greatest films of all time were never made? It was because even the greatest films were never as good on the screen as they were in dreams. And what of Yuka's American dream? Team JenNeo/Neuka was a ship that would never sail again, and it had barely left the New York City harbors to begin with!

I guess we'll never know… And if you wanted me, you really should've showed! Yuka's thoughts turned accusatory, but was she mad at Neo... or herself? And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow!

It was lesson and warning both. The last time Yuka ever spoke to Neo, it was in email, but Neo made conversation so cold and awkward that Yuka's desire to contact her decreased day by day until she finally deleted the other girl's email from her contact list entirely. So as far as Yuka knew, Neo hadn't changed at all since last they met. Then again, it was Yuka who couldn't stop thinking about Neo, so maybe Neo wasn't the one—

"Yuka, are you all right?" Esora whispered, touching the other girl's hand. Yuka startled slightly. "You look… troubled."

"O-oh, it's, it's—… nothing…" Yuka looked down, but as embarrassed as she felt, she was touched, too, and not just literally. No, I HAVE changed, I HAVE moved on, just look…

She managed to meet Esora's emerald eyes and smile appreciatively. She silently addressed the other two as well. Thanks to them, she was no longer alone, no longer the only one. Now they were four strong. "And it's all right now…"

But we were something, don't you think so? She still couldn't escape that tiny voice in the back of her mind. It sounded like Neo.

We were besties, tossing pennies in the pool. Yuka suddenly remembered what happened after the Sunday matinées.

She and Neo would peruse the city together, wasting time until school resumed on Monday. They passed marvelous, sculpted fountains, and an endeared, endearing Yuka would sometimes copy the other Americans she saw at those fountains and toss her spare change into the rippling water, making a wish while an impassive, unreadable Neo stood beside her.

And if my wishes came true…

She and Peaky might've been four strong, but…

We should've been… two…

At least three times, Yuka asked Neo, half-joking and half-serious, if she wanted to form a two-man unit (a two-nit?). Neo's answer never changed.

And it could've been fun if you would've been… my one.

ooo

I had this dream you're doing cool shit, having adventures on your own.

Two blue eyes opened suddenly, staring at the off-white hotel ceiling above. Yuka wasn't kidding when she said that Neo managed to find a way to weasel into her mind no matter the time of day, and no matter the distance that separated them. In some ways, Yuka's Dream Neo was just the same as she'd ever been. She was still a lone wolf, attached to nothing and no one. But in other ways, she'd moved on to bigger and better things.

You find some status on the internet and bring it home.

She was a celebrity soloist now, just as she always wanted to be. Yuka was also a famous musician, of sorts, though with a group rather than alone. Ah, but what an odd couple they made back in middle school! They certainly weren't by-the-book or by-the-numbers, but they made it count. As tenuous and strange as their relationship was, they still understood one another in certain ways that no one else ever could.

Yuka had someone to guide her through the whirlwind of America, someone to protect her from those who would mock her broken English, and someone who would reel her in if she ever got too carried away. If nothing else, Neo's ice was a good balance for Yuka's fire and sunshine. As for Neo, as Yuka would've hoped, she had someone she could confide in, someone she could be truly honest and emotional with. Yuka was certain their relationship would play out just like something on a film screen. Someday, she would get Neo out of her shell.

You know the greatest loves of all time are over now…

Unfortunately, reality was not the movies. Yuka's American dream was over now, and she was wide awake, whether she liked it or not. Sometimes, Neo would almost have her convinced that they were progressing. Neo smiled at her from time to time, which was more than anyone else could say. And Yuka got to see sides and passions of Neo that no one else ever did. She could coax more emotion out of Neo than anyone else in Neo's life.

But they would never see how their story was supposed to end, cut off abruptly by the end of spring semester. Even though Yuka tried to keep in touch, eventually, silence and intentional forgetting were easier, and they fell away from one another. It was just too awkward to try to force something, anything, out of the stonewall that was Neo. Yuka couldn't even remember the last time they'd spoken.

Now it's another day of waking up alone.

Did Yuka mean Neo, or herself? Yes, Yuka could hear her bandmates' breathing beside her, and they were her wolfpack, but they still had no idea… And Yuka wasn't sure they ever would. It was just too embarrassing, as all first, new loves were. She could hear them now, her bandmates, laughing and chiding her if she ever told the truth. They would sound just as patronizing as Neo ever did, even if they didn't mean it. But the thoughts and memories alone made Yuka bristle.

Don't call me "kid". Don't call me "baby". Look at this idiotic fool that you made me! You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else. And you know damn well, for you, I would ruin myself a million little times… Did Yuka mean Neo, or Peaky? Well, she would want to claim that she was only thinking of the latter, moved on from the former, but was that really true?

"I thought I left this all behind me," she whispered. In some ways, she had. Her unfinished story with Neo never bothered her back in Japan, painful though it was to watch the other girl grow increasingly distant from her. But the pain never felt like this until she came back to America. It was as if the story was picking up right where it left her and Neo, only now, Neo was gone. She was still the deuteragonist, but today, she was just as absent physically as she ever had been verbally and emotionally all those years ago. Yuka, meanwhile, was still right where Neo left her.

But we were something, don't you think so? We were besties, tossing pennies in the pool… In my defense, I have none, for never leaving well enough alone. But it would've been fun if you would've been… the one…

Although it was impossibly uncreative, Yuka occasionally teased Neo for her silly-sounding nickname. Maybe Neo thought it was cool, but Yuka couldn't help herself. She may have been Japanese, but everyone knew Neo from The Matrix. Her Neo, however, was never amused. (Wait. Her Neo?) But even more importantly than the movie joke, "Neo" meant "new".

At first, Yuka thought in terms of new lives, new friendships, new worlds, new experiences and interactions, new intertwined fates and stories, even new and true love, first love, but now?

The only "one" Neo ever cared about was herself. The only new thing she ever wanted was to become the world's greatest diva. She wanted no one else, because she WAS The One. She was her own Number One. She had no room or desire in her life for anything or anyone else. She was the only "new hotness" that she cared about.

And Yuka? I persist and resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different, would everything be different today?

The only reason she didn't reach out to Neo was that she didn't remember Neo's email. And that was assuming Neo would've even still had the same email that she did back in middle school! They should've both been halfway done with high school by then… Granted, if Yuka tried hard enough, she could remember bits and pieces of Neo's email, but…

In my defense, I have none, for digging up the grave another time. Some things laid to rest, no matter how sudden, were best left to rest.

But still, the ghosts of the past whispered. We were something, don't you think so?

Yuka and Peaky celebrated the night with the finest bottle of alcohol that Esora's money could buy. None of them were of age, but if anyone knew how to pull strings for them, it was Esora, even if none of them knew how she did it.

Now, rosé was flowing with Yuka's brand-new family. New. Neo. Neo was old news to Yuka, and yet… I wonder, are you with your chosen family too? Or are you still the only one you care about? She already knew the answer.

Yuka took a sip of her drink. Oh, it could've been sweet, if you could've stayed with me. And it could've been fun, if you could've been…

AN: And now for something less original/creative, LOL! This was inspired by Taylor Swift's song (with a dash of "Illicit Affairs") since we all know that Neo was The One in the Matrix.

But anyway, this completes the random three-part story of Yuka studying abroad in America in middle school and having Neo as her first crush before returning years later (in high school with Peaky as part of their beach summer event) to reflect on how toxic Neo was.

I guess you could view the first chapter as a summary with the second two as the fleshed-out versions. Thx for reading, if you got this far, LOL!