3. The new girl
Sarah Crewe was busy putting her doll Emily back in her chair when there was a knock at the door of her room. She looked up. Mariette was already on her way to answer it. Sarah wondered who it could be. Ermengarde and Lottie had just left, Jessie had hardly been seen in the last few days, and it was too early for Beckie to be done with work. Maybe it was Ms. Minchi or her sister. But when Mariette opened the door, there stood Lavinia. Only it was a different, new Lavinia.
The old Lavinia would have simply marched into the room with her head held high and announced the purpose of her visit. She would have strode proudly along, letting everyone in the room know that they should be focused on her. But the Lavinia who stood in the doorway looked quite different. Shy, almost guilty and slightly bent. And she didn't slide into the room gracefully either, but stopped in the doorway. This seemed to be a completely new girl. Sarah briefly considered whether someone could actually be new. Wasn't it always the same person, though? Over this consideration she almost overheard Lavinia. "Sarah, may I come in? I'd like to talk to you." "Of course, Lavinia. Would you like some tea? Mariette was just about to get some." Lavinia looked over at Mariette for a moment. "Thank you, but no. I'd like to talk to you alone Sarah. Could you please send her out of the room?" Sarah thought that was a bit odd, but found no reason to deny her the request. "Of course" She pointed to her seating area. "Please sit down." Lavinia thanked her, came over and they sat down. Mariette had already left the room. "So, what's this about?" asked Sarah with genuine interest. Lavinia had been acting very strangely the last few days, and she was curious to know what the reason might be. But Lavinia didn´t seemed to share that enthusiasm. She looked at Sarah, past her, folded her hands in her lap, unfolded and rubbed them together, patted her thighs, looked at the ceiling, and looked at Sarah again. After Sarah had watched this in fascination for almost a minute,
Lavinia finally raised to speak. "Sarah, I... Man, this is harder than I thought... Can't we just, No, No I'm here to apologize. I want to apologize for my behavior towards you. And... if you'd like... I'd also like to explain to you why I acted in such an unkind manner." Now Sarah's attention was completely focused on Lavinia. An apology? Had Lavinia actually realized how unkind she had been acting? Sarah had always believed that Lavinia would never realize how much she hurt others.
Did she want to change? Like the evil sister in a fairy tale who sees her mistakes? But then another thought popped into Sarah's head. Lavinia had been unkind to her, but she had been much worse to Lottie and Ermengarde. She had to apologize first, which she told Lavinia. To Sarah's surprise, she smiled slightly in response. "I had thought you would say that. You really do always think of others first, don't you? But yes, I'm aware that I was more unkind to them than I've ever been to you, and I apologized to them." "And how did it go?" "Lottie wanted me to buy her something in town in return and Ermengarde accepted the apology but I don't think she really believes me. I can
understand that though, after all I was bad to her long before you came. I think she thinks I am trying to lull her into a false sense of security. But I hope she'll believe me eventually. Oh, and I apologized to Jessie, too. But that has nothing to do with this." Sarah was almost shocked. She had assumed that Lavinia just wanted to apologize for the fight after the book, or for the incident with Lottie. But she seemed to be really serious about admitting that she had been unkind to everyone.
"But why?" Lavinia looked a little confused. "What why?" "Why have you now admitted that you were unkind?" Lavinia smiled again. "It's your fault." "Me?" Now Sarah was confused. "You made me think about my behavior, and because of that, I needs to change. Would you like me to explain?" Sarah nodded. This seemed like an interesting story. Lavinia was about to lift when Mariette poked her head in the door.
"Pardon me, Miss, but I was wondering if you would like some tea?" Sarah nodded and then looked questioningly at Lavinia. The latter nodded as well. "I think we will need something to drink. Thank you, Miss Mariette." Mariette left, Lavinia took a breath. "So, where to start. The best place is at the beginning. You know, ever since I was no older than Lottie, I wanted so badly to be a lady, an English Rose. Remember when I showed you that art print
in my room? I said loud and clear that you would never look like that and I could see in your eyes what you were thinking: "Neither will you." And I know that too. Not with my dark skin, black hair and dark eyes. And not only do I know that, but so does everyone else who hears me talk about the English Rose.
I know that I will never reach my goal. To compensate for this, I have begun to learn almost obsessively everything else that an English rose must be able to do. Manners, social rules, French, everything. And I was the best in the seminar. All the others, Ermengarde, Jessie, who could have been more of an English Rose than I, were worse.
What a triumph! But I was afraid. After all, with more diligence, others could have been as good as me. So I began to treat them from above, hoping that they would not surpass me. And then you came along. At first I thought I could take you under my wing. Another leg up to present myself as the best student in the seminary. But you were better. You knew better French, all the school work came very easily to you and everyone else was attracted to your friendliness as well as your exotic background because you lived in India. I myself don't have good memories of India, and it was another reason not to like you."
Sarah listened up. Lavinia had been to India herself? Possibly been born there as well? Sarah wanted to ask, but it was clear Lavinia didn't want to talk about it or be interrupted. "I tried to outdo you, to belittle you, but nothing worked. And then Miss Minchi used you as a figurehead for the seminary. Something I wanted to be, but never got. And then she took away my place class representiv and my place in the church row and gave it to you. I was so
angry at you, but it wasn't your fault, it was Miss Minchi's fault. You didn't want all that yourself,
you just did what she told you to do. I was angry, jealous, helpless. And then came the thing with Lottie. And you had already told me indirectly that I would go to hell if I continued to behave like that.
When I was in my room after the thing with Lottie, I thought about my behavior. And about yours.
And I realized that if I just disappeared tomorrow, no one would care. Ermengarde might even be happy that her tormentor is gone. And with you it would be different. I asked myself why. And then I remembered something Jessie said. You would rather bite your tongue than say something unkind to someone. Whereas I throw it freely at everyone. The others like you because you are kind, helpful and nice. And I realized that if I keep acting like that, I'm going to be someone who is the exact opposite of you. And that would be someone that no one would want to be around. And all because I was jealous. Because I wanted to feel superior to you.
Sarah, despite all your kindness, I treated you and your friends terribly out of sheer envy. And for that I would like to ask your forgiveness."

Sarah needed a moment to collect herself. Lavinia was jealous? Of her? She had always thought Lavinia was horrible to others purely on principle. Like a wicked witch,
"I accept your apology Lavinia." She eyed the girl sitting opposite her "And if you want, we can be friends again and read books together." Lavinia looked up. There was something sad in her look. "No Sarah. I'm afraid we can't be friends right now."

"What, why not?" She sounded more hurt than she meant to, and Lavinia winced. "Because of the diamond mines. You just got rich and now suddenly the girl who always treated you badly is your friend again?
Everyone would think, that I only apologized to share in your happiness and riches. The old Lavinia would do that. I can't be your friend again until I've really managed to change. If you need my help, my advice, or a book, you
can always ask me. But with friendship, I think we should wait a little longer." She looked down at the floor. "I don't think I'm worthy of being your friend right now." Sarah was about to say something, but Lavinia suddenly jumped up. "I just thought of something I really need to do today. Please excuse me" She went to the door and pulled it open. "Please tell Mariette that I'm sorry I couldn't stay for tea." Sarah was a little perplexed at the sudden departure. "What are you so anxious to do?" "I have to write to my father. I wrote him a very rude letter a few days ago and now I have to correct it. Goodbye Sarah."
And she was out the door.
Sarah looked after her. Somehow it seemed to her that Lavinia had deliberately broken off the conversation at this point