9. New and old friendships

Why didn't my father answer me? I haven't had a reply since my last letter. I have no idea whether he has hired Marinette or not. Why hasn't he replied? Is he angry, like after my letter about the diamond mines? Does he think I've gone too far and am now asking for things I'm not entitled to?
I can't stop thinking about it. If I turn my father against me, I'll be in real trouble. Better not to contact him for now, hope he'll calm down and do something to take my mind off it.
At the moment I'm sitting here doing my French homework and eating chocolate. This must be the decadence of the upper classes that people are always warning about.
I should visit Jessie, the poor thing still hasn't gotten over what happened to Sarah.
She's quite distraught and I don't think she's quite grasped exactly what it means. Maybe I can help her with that.
Poor Jessie. She's been crying a lot the last few days. I think partly about the missed opportunities with Sarah, but mostly about the tragedy of it all. Jessie has always been sensitive, and has cried over the fate of the tragic heroines in our stories. For something like this to happen right in front of her in real life was almost too much.
I mean, it gets to me, and I feel like I have the sensitivity of a block of wood lately.
On the other hand, this is Victorian London. Here, dozens of children starve to death every day, die in chimneys, die of tuberculosis or die in factories.
It's not quite as bad as it was in the days of Oliver Twist, but it's still far from good. Sarah got off comparatively well, even if things will get worse for her.
So why is Sarah seen as so sad by everyone in the seminar, when others right outside the door have it even worse?
For me, it's the prioritization of Sarah and the fact that I know it's a structural problem that's hard for one person to change, especially a 15-year-old girl. But maybe that's also a form of repression.
But what about the others?
Probably the fact that we are all squatting in this oversized doll's house and Miss Minchi is doing her best to hide reality from us. Upscale young ladies are not interested in social issues outside of charity balls. Or they shouldn't show it openly. And what better way to achieve this than to keep them deliberately ignorant?
Jessie is probably the best example, despite her relative poverty. I wonder if it's really just from her upbringing, or if her dreamy nature simply prevents her from seeing the ugly parts of reality. On the other hand, she is aware of it when it affects her directly. Willful ignorance? Or selective perception?
Doesn't really make a difference, I wouldn't want to see her thrown into reality without a second thought either way. She would fare worse than Sarah, Sarah still has at least a certain stoic endurance of suffering, Jessie would break down completely and probably give up. With possibly fatal consequences.
And Jessie is just too magical, too beautiful, too unique to...
What the? Focus Lavinia, just do your chores, don't think about it.
That's exactly the kind of thinking that will never help you. Concentrate, follow your plan...
There's a knock at the door. Thank God, a distraction, I need it now.

Sarah hadn't seen Lavinia since the party. That was hardly surprising, as she was always busy with her work and usually only came into the students' rooms when they were in class or eating. Now, however, there seemed to be someone in the room.
Lavinia was also the only one whose reaction to her new circumstances she had not yet seen. Lottie and Jessie were helpless in the face of the situation, Ermengarde was avoiding her and Becky had stood by her faithfully. To be honest, she had no idea what to expect. A few weeks ago, Lavinia would have been dancing with glee, but now?
She pushed the door open.
Lavinia sat upright at her desk and looked at her expectantly.
Sarah reconsidered her new position. "Miss? I'm here for your laundry."
Lavinia said nothing back and stared at her. Then she seemed to flinch briefly.
"Yes. Of course. It's all sort of spread out on the floor. Please take everything."
Then she turned back to the tasks in front of her.
Sarah wasn't that surprised. In principle, Lavinia's reaction was no different to anyone else's. She set to work.
Even though she had the feeling that Lavinia was watching her whenever she looked up, Lavinia was focused on her work.
How she had managed to spread her laundry all over the furniture was a mystery to Sarah.
After about fifteen minutes, it was done and Sarah turned to leave.
"Sarah, wait please."
She turned around. Lavinia had stood up and was coming towards her.
"I would like to... offer you my condolences. Your father died far too soon and I hope you'll get better one day."
Sarah suppressed the tears that came to her eyes at the mention of her beloved father and simply replied stiffly: "Thank you for your condolences, Miss"
Lavinia looked at her a little disgruntled. "Please, Sarah, it's just us here. I know that Miss Minchi has forbidden you to speak to us normally, but as long as we are among ourselves, please continue to call me Lavinia. I see no difference from before that would make me forbid you to use my name in private."
Sarah was taken aback. Then she said slowly, "Of course,... Lavinia. I thank you for your sympathy."
Lavinia's gaze softened. "Thank you for your trust. I know Minchi has forbidden you to speak to us in confidence, but I don't want to treat you like some servant. Don't worry, I won't reveal anything." She pointed to her desk. "Why don't you take a piece of chocolate and sit down? You look like you need a break."
Sarah was about to accept when she remembered what Koch's reaction would be. "I can't, I have to keep working." "Because someone else is calling you lazy? There's no one else here and I can still claim that you're taking longer because you had to help me move a piece of furniture or something." That convinced Sarah and she sat down.
Lavinia sat down too and handed her the chocolate,
"Are you okay Sarah? I know the work is probably hard, and all this after such an accident... Do you need anything?"
Sarah swallowed her bite and replied sluggishly. "It's hard, and my beloved father... Grief is like an open wound." She had read the comparison in a book once and it seemed very apt. "And with all this work, I don't have time to grieve. I want to crawl into my bed and cry, but when I finally go to my room after all that work, I'm just too exhausted to do it. Everything just feels numb." Lavinia had been listening attentively and now patted her hand awkwardly. Sarah didn't really want to say much, but something was stirring inside her.
"And Koch and Miss Minchi never miss an opportunity to remind me of everything, and I can't say anything against them. If Becky wasn't here to help me, I don't know what I'd do." Lavinia looked at her sympathetically. "You're right, Becky is a treasure. But what about Ermengarde and Jessie? I can't imagine they'd just leave you alone?"
Tears welled up in Sarah's eyes again. "I don't know. We exchanged a few words and they didn't understand how bad I was feeling. We've been avoiding each other ever since. I don't understand that. Are we no longer friends?" She started to cry. Lavinia continued to hold her hand and said nothing. The two of them sat in silence until Sarah's tears had dried up.
Then Lavinia asked: "What exactly happened? Because I don't think they hurt you out of malice." Sarah recalled the two conversations. "Ermengarde asked me what happened to me and whether I was sad. It was as if she didn't believe that the loss of my beloved father wouldn't affect me! And Jessie wanted to know if she could have some of my things and was upset that they were sold, as if they meant more than my father! How can they both be so thoughtless?"
Lavinia seemed to think for a moment and then replied: "I think I can answer your question. Do you want my opinion?" Sarah signaled her to continue.
"Both Jessie and Ermengarde have always had strained relationships with their fathers, none as good as yours. They can see that you're deadly sad, but they don't know how you feel because they can't imagine exactly how sad you actually are. Neither of them would be as sad as you if it had happened to them. For them, the material loss and the problems that come with it would be much worse.
What's more, we were all very sheltered here at the seminar. And now the cruel reality has dawned on you, something that everyone else has also noticed, of course, but they don't know exactly how to deal with it. I'm hardly any better.
Why do you think I've been avoiding you for the last few days? I didn't know exactly how to deal with you now.
And there's also the fact that Miss Michi hasn't just banned you from talking to us, she's banned us from talking to you too. She wants us all to forget about you as quickly as possible.
All of this together creates a situation that neither Jessie nor Ermengarde know how to deal with."
Sarah felt a glimmer of hope. "You mean they're still my friends?"
"Yes, I think so." Lavinia looked at her watch. "I think you need to go. Don't worry, I'll have a word with Ermengarde and Jessie."
She stood up, Sarah did the same and grabbed her hamper. "Before you go..." Lavinia went to her dresser and pulled out a book. "Your birthday present. I was going to give it to you
give it to you after the party, but under the circumstances..."
Sarah took the book to safety in her room and then went down to the cellar with the laundry. On the way, she couldn't help feeling that she wasn't completely alone after all.

Ermengarde was just about to leave the classroom after class when Lavinia suddenly pulled her back into the room. "We need to talk." She was pushed onto a bench by the older girl, who then leaned against the table in front of her.
Before Ermengarde could ask what Lavinia wanted, she already started talking.
"Ermengarde, why exactly are you no longer talking to Sarah? Are you no longer friends with her?" What Ermengarde had expected was that she wasn't.
But before she could even form a thought, let alone an answer, Lavinia had already continued. "Is it because you're afraid of Miss Minchi? That's understandable, but I thought your friendship with Sarah was strong enough, seriously, a little thing like that shouldn't come between you. Honestly, I'm disappointed that I of all people have to ask you this question. God knows I'm not Sarah's best friend, but I seem to be the only one here who has realized how badly she needs a friend. Ermengarde, Sarah is going through the worst time of her life. She's almost broken inside and needs someone to comfort her. And who should that be? Me? We both know that's not going to happen. So you have a choice: stay loyal to your best friend and take a punishment from Miss Minchi or ignore Sarah completely and forever.
And let's face it, not only would Miss Minchi's potential punishment be over in a week at the latest, she will punish you for something sooner or later.
Sarah needs a friend more than ever, can you be that friend?
Or is your fear stronger than your friendship? Think about it."
And with that, Lavinia disappeared out of the door again. Poor Ermengarde sat there dumbfounded, trying to figure out what it all meant.

Jessie had had a mostly quiet and normal day and had retired to her room to brush her hair as she did every evening. She was only halfway through when Lavinia entered. Jessie looked up. Unlike usual, Lavinia didn't seem to have changed for the night and was still wearing her purple dress. She put the brush down.
"Hello Lavinia. Why haven't you changed yet?" Lavinia sighed and flopped down on the bed behind her. "I have to do something outside my room later, I'll change when I'm done. Come on, hand me the brush, I'll be happy to continue."
Jessie left her to it and sat back while Lavinia started brushing.
The two sat together in silence for ten minutes until Lavinia stopped brushing and asked, "Jessie, have you spoken to Sarah in the last few days?"
Jessie tensed up as a blush rose to her face. Her last conversation with Sarah had not gone well. Lavinia continued, "That was a rhetorical question in itself. I was talking to Sarah. Jessie, what were you thinking? Sarah felt very hurt by your insensitive manner."
Jessie clenched her hands in her lap. Lavinia sounded very disappointed, just as if she had never imagined Jessie would do such a thing before that day. She continued speaking. "Really Jessie, I know you didn't mean any harm, but you can't just leave it like that. You need to apologize to Sarah."
Jessie ventured a timid protest: "But Miss Minchi has forbidden it." "Miss Minchi would ban us from breathing if she thought we weren't doing it her way. This isn't about Miss Minchi and her pathetic ideas about parenting, Jessie. This is about whether you can see that you've hurt Sarah and whether you're interested in continuing your friendship."
Jessie was lost in thought while Lavinia continued to brush. She hadn't wanted to hurt Sarah, she had just wanted... What had she actually wanted? Sarah's things?
Lavinia seemed to have heard her thoughts, because she asked, slightly pointedly, "Don't you think your friendship with Sarah is far more important and valuable than anything else you could have from her?"
Jessie shrank even further into herself. Lavinia still sounded more disappointed than angry, and her heart clenched at the thought that Lavinia had reacted so negatively to her behavior. She had never intended that. And she had never meant to hurt Sarah and she... She needed to apologize to Sarah. Because of Sarah and because of Lavinia. But she was so afraid that Miss Minchi would find out and punish her. Maybe she would also tell her parents and they would punish her. Jessie thought about how she could get around this. But no matter what she came up with, either Sarah or Miss Minchi would not be happy with her decision. She tried to come up with an excuse to appease Lavinia. "I'd like to apologize to Sarah, but she's a mere maiden now. A lady shouldn't apologize to a maiden, should she?" Lavinia paused brushing for a moment. Then she picked up again and said: "That was a very transparent excuse, Jessie." Jessie turned as fiery red as her hair.
Lavinia continued impassively: "And the worst thing is, two months ago I would have fallen for it too. But I've read a lot and now I know how wrong that attitude is. Nobody is impressed when you treat the staff from above. If you're actually above them, you don't have to constantly emphasize that. And as a philosopher says so well: "If you want to know someone's character, give them power." I think it shows very poor character to treat staff badly. And it's not without danger either, because as the old Chinese proverb says, "Never upset the people who can poison your food". I think the mark of a lady is to treat everyone with the same courtesy, whether they are maids or other ladies. I know I don't always get that right, but I try. And finally, Sarah isn't just any maiden, is she? She was your friend before. And I don't think you throw away a friendship over such a small difference. I definitely wouldn't do it if it had happened to you, Jessie."
Lavinia put the brush aside. "I'm done. Good night." With that, she disappeared from the room. Jessie lay down in her bed. It would be a long time before she got any sleep tonight.

I've been sitting here for two hours and my feet are getting cold. This little alcove behind the worn cupboard I found in the attic is perfect for hiding, but of course it's not heated. At least I have a good view of Sarah's bedroom door from here. Shortly after I hid here, Ermengarde went into the room, Sarah came in shortly afterwards and half an hour later Becky disappeared into her room. I couldn't hear exactly what Sarah and Ermengarde were talking about in her room, but I heard loud crying.
An hour later, Ermengarde came back outside, red-eyed but apparently happy. I think that was a success, Sarah and Ermengarde are talking to each other again.
I think I got through to Ermengarde and I hope it worked with Jessie too. I was already pretty pushy. Ermegarde will be a great help in keeping Sarah from sinking into despair. After all, everyone needs a friend they can rely on in a situation like this.
That, and a mysterious helper. And that's where I come in. Sarah should be fast asleep by now, so I can get started.
Sneak quietly to her door, open it carefully and slip in quietly.
No light, but the moonlight through the gable window is just enough to see everything.
Sarah is sprawled out on the bed, fast asleep. Almost certainly completely exhausted. Poor girl. But her fairy godmother Lavinia is there to help.
The bed looks like it's been pulled out of the bulky waste and Miss Minchi wouldn't have it any worse for wear. The rest of the room doesn't look any better. Stripped wallpaper, mold, stuff lying around and I can hear the rats. This was a junk room before Sarah had to come up here. Seriously, you can treat your servants to a room that doesn't look like a complete dump.
Miss Minchi, Ebenezer Scrooge's illegitimate daughter.
There's the stool with Emily on it. This is the first time I've seen this doll up close. An impressive doll, but just a doll. After all the detailed descriptions, I would have expected more. Perhaps this is a testament to Sarah's imagination. Turning something ordinary into something extraordinary.
So I put the things, some rusks, a blanket and jam in front of Emily.
Sarah can finally believe that Emily is a good, helpful fairy who cares for her. Just like she tried to do in the story. Next to the things, I put a card with the words: 'For Sarah and Becky. Magic is real. Don't lose hope."
I could have put Becky's gifts in her room, but two visits doubles the risk of discovery, and I figure that when someone like Becky has lived in a poorhouse for a long time, she easily wakes up to someone tampering in her room.
Also, Becky doesn't have a magical doll, and I want to keep up the illusion of a fairy godmother.
Just sneak out of the room, quietly down the stairs, to my room and... done.
It's two o'clock in the morning. I'll repeat the whole thing every week. Not too often, so as not to be discovered by Miss Minchi, and I have to sleep sometime.
But all in all, it was a success. The first parts of my plan worked smoothly.
Let's hope I can make Sarah's life easier this way. Because the fall will only get worse and in winter it will be a real test of survival for Sarah and Becky.
But I think, with the help of their fairy godmother, they will manage to hold out until Mr. Carrisford arrives without any problems.
Here's to a successful outcome.