"Bardan, this isn't working is it?"

This was the fourteenth Force meditation they had undertaken and he hated to admit defeat but she may be right. Even if he had help from Scout or Zey, this was not working. He had tried everything. There should have been some improvement by now.

"What about the nightmares?"

"Still having them. Although I couldn't tell you what they were about."

"But you asked A'den to move back into your bedroom."

"He's on a cot." she replied defensively.

"And you feel safe with him there?"

"Safer. Shouldn't I?"

He shrugged, "You tell me."

"I feel safer with him there, especially with the nightmares." She paused, looking pensive.

"And?" He prompted.

"I feel drawn to him. I can't explain it better than that. I still can't remember anything but it's like I know him. Have known him for a long time."

Bardan nodded, noting it on his datapad.

"And you—you still look drained after putting me in that meditative state." She turned it back to him, "It was supposed to be easier than force healing." She added.

"Very observant. It's like something is fighting me all the time, I'm trying to put you under."

"Are you telling me there's something in my head from that thing." She had asked Maze to describe the species to her, to see if it appeared in her nightmares but it made no difference.

"There's something there that I don't understand. I'm going to talk to a contact about it. See if there's anything else I can do."

Ryssa saw the blond haired woman pacing outside again. She was often there when their sessions finished and she always looked worried. She had never seen her anywhere else.

"Who's the woman who waits for you?"

"Arla."

"She always looks worried about you."

"She knows how much this takes out of me."

As soon as he saw Ryssa's face he knew he had said the wrong thing.

"So this is harming you in some way?"

"Not exactly. It's difficult to explain."

"Try." She demanded.

.

A'den walked into the bedroom with the towel slung around his hips and saw her eyes follow him. She asked him to return to their bedroom; he was fine bunked in with Kom'rk, but she said she felt safer with him here. The way she looked at him sometimes gave him hope.

Maybe he was a fool.

He walked up behind her and gently stroked up her arms.

"You okay?" he whispered into her ear, closer than he normally was.

She leaned back into him, slightly. It was the first reaction he had from her that wasn't tinged with an undercurrent of tenseness.

"Are you remembering?"

She shook her head, "Feelings. Not memories, not situations but feelings….." she paused, mouth slightly open.

"And?"

"And I wondered if I was still attracted to you."

"Are you?"

"Yes." She whispered.

"Sorry, I didn't hear you."

She turned and pulled his face into a kiss. A'den automatically pulled her to him, until they were almost merging.

"I'll take that as a yes."

She looked into his eyes, as his hand held the back of her neck before he kissed her again, his tongue pushing in against hers. Everything coming together. Suddenly he pulled away, wondering if he had gone too far.

"Although I'm drawn to you. It's like being with a stranger." Ryssa explained.

"And you've never had sex with a stranger?"

"If you know me, you know I probably have."

He answered with kisses trailing down her neck.

"Are you always like this?" She asked, smiling.

"Want to find out?"

She pulled away slightly, the smile gone.

"You're still not sure about this are you?" He didn't want to force it, despite his growing arousal, his continued desire for her.

"No. I'm not."

"That's all I need to know." He wanted her back, but not like this. He stepped away from her.

"If you want, you can sleep in the bed, get rid of the cot." She suggested.

He smiled, not sure if that was a good idea or not.

.

A'den prepared the berries and blue milk yoghurt just as she liked. He added a drizzle of Uj syrup. She still needed building up, always looked tired. He put them on a tray with the flower he picked earlier. Levet had advised him which one to choose; there weren't many available. It was a fruit blossom, one of the earliest. He walked out of the kitchen to go to their room.

"Still under the good doctors thumb then?"

"A bad nightmare. She's tired."

"So…Are you two back on the horizontal tango? Kit will be disappointed next time I go to town."

"None of your business, or hers." Muttered A'den, if he hadn't held the tray he would have shouldered him out of the way. "There's only the two of us in this marriage."

"You sure vod?"

"What's that mean?"

"The two of them were in that hunting lodge for a long time, and she hadn't lost her memory then."

Mereel was clutching at straws. Maze and Zey had promised to say nothing and for some reason he trusted them on that.

He walked around his brother.

Ryssa stretched out in the bed, last night was the first one with a nightmare she remembered. She worried when she felt him get out of the bed afterwards but he soon returned and she finally slept again. She would admit to anyone she felt drawn to him, comfortable with him and stronger because of him. She couldn't say the same for any of the others, except perhaps Kom'rk. He seemed nice. Although when she told him, he laughed until tears ran down his face. She needed to get to know them all a lot better.

The door opened and A'den backed in with a tray, "You were sleeping when I got up for breakfast, so I brought it back for you."

She sat up in the bed smoothed the clothes out, and A'den put the tray on her lap.

"Madam." He bowed low. She wanted to laugh, "Blue milk yoghurt and berries. Had to improvise with them. Rav says they are nearly the same as you get on Corrie. Laseema makes Blue milk yoghurt for Kad. He likes it with Uj syrup, so there's a bit of that on it."

"And the flower?"

"From me."

Her bottom lip trembled, for a second. "Thank you." She managed to get out.

"Hey." He pulled her to him, "It's okay. Just let it out. We'll get through this. You're not in it alone, you know that."

She leaned against him, and let go.

.

Ryssa lay there watching the ceiling still unable to sleep, no rather unwilling to do so —the nightmares. Always the same, now she remembered them; it was better not remembering. They had suddenly become more vivid. The blackness enveloping her. The pain in her head. The laughter from whatever it was that took her mind. Her memories. Her life. She turned over to one side, meeting the warm solid mass of her husband. He was a comfort to her just being there.

"Can't sleep?"

"No—sorry, did I wake you?"

"No." His arm slid under her neck and around her. She was used to his touch now, since that kiss, but this was as far as they had gone and she still wasn't totally comfortable with taking it further. He said he was okay with, waiting until she was ready but she wondered sometimes, just by the way he looked at her.

When she was a teenager she had dreamed of having someone look at her like that; now it happened and she didn't know what to do about it.

"It's a clear night. We could go sit outside for a while."

"Outside?"

It was still bitterly cold at times not like Coruscant, climate controlled and temperate.

"We could watch the stars. You liked that once."

"I do."

Every time he said something like that, it reinforced the feelings that they should be together.

"Is that a Yes?"

"Yes. I'd like that."

Fifteen minutes later they were outside, sitting on a bench covered with an animal fur wrapped in thick clothes and blankets, with a flask of hot shig, dashed with Tihaar. The sky was clear.

"Here. Have a drink. Warm enough?"

"Lovely."

He felt her lean against him and watched her eyes flick across the night sky.

"What's that?" She pointed upwards.

"A moon." He knew she had been there with Vader but he wasn't going to spoil this moment by telling her that or what else was on that moon.

"Here." He handed her his binoculars.

She swept them across the sky.

"Oooh!"

"What?"

"I think it's a ship." She passed them back to him and pointed to an object moving in the clear night sky.

"Hmm. Freighter." He lied. It was an Imperial Transport. Shysa had said the Empire was upping their game and this confirmed it, although he didn't want to think about that at this precise moment. It was so good to be sitting here with her.

"I want to tell you what I've decided."

"Go ahead." His stomach churned at the prospect. He knew she had been considering something. She had been a little more preoccupied than normal.

"Whatever Bard'ika is doing isn't working."

"Perhaps it just needs more time."

"Nothing for over a month. No change, it just makes the nightmares worse, more vivid, and now I can remember." She pointed upwards. "Is that a shooting star?"

"Meteor."

"You know what I mean."

"Stop changing the subject."

"Every time he puts me into a meditation, it gets more difficult for him and he looks drained afterwards. And then I see Arla looking at me. Accusing me of making him ill. Are they together?"

"Sort of, he's keeping it very close to his chest, whatever their relationship is at the moment. But he made her forget her past."

"Forget it? I need to remember mine."

"She wanted to forget her past."

"One thing I do remember, when I started Medical training. I took a vow— Do No Harm— I can't let him harm himself to help me."

"But…"

"Please listen. Perhaps it's not meant to be. Or perhaps when I was with the Empire I really did do bad things, evil things. Things that I'm ashamed of and don't want to remember." That thought was troubling her, more than she cared to admit to anyone else.

"You would never.."

"Wouldn't I?"

He didn't answer. He had done things he'd rather not remember. He'd been used, all his brothers had and by the sound of it continued to be.

"I saw perfectly sane, reasonable people do some insane evil things. Just by following orders."

"Ner…" he dropped into his name for her.

"Is that what you used to call me?"

He nodded.

"I bet I called you Den."

"You did. Have you remembered?" Hope rose quickly in him.

"No. But I know it feels right. It suits you." She leaned closer to him, slipping her hand inside his thick jacket. "This —here feels right. Perhaps it's these new memories, I need to focus on, not the old ones."

He squeezed her tighter. One thing the war had taught him was to take anything you could from it and hold on tight. It could be taken away in a nano second.

"I'd still love you no matter what memories you have, you know that."

He looked up into the sky, clouds were passing over. It would start raining or even snowing again soon.

"Time to go in." They gathered the blankets and fur up, and returned inside.

.

Ryssa yawned as she slipped into the bed next to her husband.

"You're like a heated blanket."

"It's time to sleep." He muttered, as she snuggled closer. At one time he would have taken advantage of her closeness and she would have responded. He was still unsure, preferring to wait until she was truly ready. He could not afford to set her back or even lose her again.

"I meant it. I've told Bardan to stop the treatment and I'll talk to Mij about helping on the medical side. I need to get more involved. It might even help. I'm a hopeless cook, so wouldn't be able to do much more than chop veg. That I do remember."

"Ordo said you made great Warra nut cookies."

"I did? There's hope for me yet."

"I think I need to spend time getting to know your family again. I haven't really integrated have I?"

"They understand."

"Do they?"

"Yes."

"I need to join in for meals more often, like everyone else."

She struggled with all the faces and the questions, at first, so they only went when there was a few people in. Some she had never even spoken to.

"I'll make you breakfast tomorrow."

His eyebrow went up in a question.

"I'm sure I can do that. What do you normally have?"

"Mealgrain. Make it how you think I'll like it."

"It's a deal."

.

Ryssa stood at the stove stirring the Mealgrain; Laseema had shown her the pantry but Ryssa had told her not to say anything about how A'den liked his cooked. She hoped he would like how she made it; although it looked revolting and could probably be used as glue but then she had never been a fan of it herself, it was too heavy. This also had Uj syrup as a sweetener, nuts, some dried fruit and some spices in it.

"He won't like that." A female voice whispered in her ear. It actually made her jump, startling her. She looked at the pan, wondering why the woman, Jilka, she knew her name, as Laseema had pointed her out, had whispered that.

"How do you know?" Ryssa asked.

"I just do."

She debated whether or not to dump it and start again but decided it was up to A'den to decide if he liked it or not. And not whoever that woman was. She had not even introduced herself and Ryssa had never seen her before. She wasn't sure what to make of her but she hadn't said if they had known each other before or not. She gave the mealgrain one more stir, before scraping it into a bowl and took it over to him.

She sat with her berries and blue milk yoghurt and watched as he took his first spoonful. He swallowed, then his face went still and his hand went to his throat.

Hells! What had she done?

The room went silent watching him, face contorted.

A'den turned to her and a grin split his face, "love it, Uj cake flavoured mealgrain; what can beat that." He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. Kom'rk grinned, slapping his brother across the back and leaned over sticking his finger in the bowl. He sucked his finger.

"Mmm!"

He pulled A'den's bowl towards himself.

"Chakaar!" Muttered A'den pulling it back, "Get your own."

"Vod'ika." He looked at Ryssa, eyes going big, "Can you show me how to make it?" He pleaded. "Extra milk."

"Come on." She liked Kom'rk.

He watched as she prepared the ingredients, boiling up the mealgrain, then adding the rest and tasting it each time.

"Ignore Jilka. She'll get over it."

"Over what?

"Being kidnapped and brought here by us."

"Why would you do that?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time, my brothers tell me. Not A'den. He wasn't there."

"Here you are." She handed him his version of the mealgrain, with extra milk.

He sat next to his brother with a smug look on his face and spooned the mixture in his mouth. "It really does taste like Uj cake but warm and milky. I don't know why we've not done that before. Buir?"

"You all hated Mealgrain, except A'den, he was the only one who liked it."

Kal smiled and squeezed his new wife's hand; finally things seem to be getting better for A'den and Ryssa.

.

"Su'cuy gar Mij."

The doctor looked up from the slides he was checking, surprised to see Ryssa standing there.

"You're early but your Mandoa's getting better. You need to build up your vocabulary now. Let's have a look at your throat. You know the drill."

She lay on the med bed, as Mij adjusted it, so that he could look down her throat with ease. He looked with a torch and then started prodding.

"It looks nice and clear."

Her mouth was still open.

"Any problems swallowing?"

"Ngh!" She shook her head slightly.

"Hmm. There's a little bit of scarring right at the back but that should clear up even more and if you're having no problems. I'm going to leave it." He pulled away and moved the bed back.

"Bard'ika tells me you've refused further sessions."

"Yes."

"Can I ask why?"

"I took a vow, Do No Harm. Healing me was harming him and he has Arla, who's worried about him."

"Isn't it his choice?"

"Not for me. I couldn't let anything happen to him."

"Atin'la."

"So A'den says. Is there anything I can do to help here. I let my registration lapse and I'm not sure if …. my memory loss has affected my recall of medical procedures."

"I'm glad you said that. I didn't want to be the one that says, we can't let you loose on people, but you know we can't."

"I understand that and I would want to be supervised, to start with."

"I'm sure we can do something Ad'ika."

"That sounds like even if it's just sweeping up kind of something."

"No. It's not just medical we do here. Qail is working on an antidote to reverse the clones rapid ageing."

"Did I know about this?"

"No."

"Kriff what else could they do to them?" Even if she regained her memory, she may not have much time with him. It was even more important to make new memories with him.

"That sounds more like you. Any help for Qail would be much appreciated."

"Anything I can do, I will."

.

"How is she doing?"

Vau had hardly said anything to him, since he returned from Kashyyyk, not long after Ryssa had returned but he had been watching them. A'den had seen him. Watching them both. Now something was happening.

"Good, physically but… it looks as if she won't get her memory back. Nothing they've tried has made much difference yet."

"Dar'Jetii!"

Vau said it like a curse. It was amazing how much hate he could put into one word.

"Enacca has sent me word. There have been more traces, a few more sightings since I left but it's dangerous there."

"It's dangerous for us anywhere."

"Correct."

"What's this Intel? Anything we can add to it. I can ask Jaing."

"A lone man, human, has been spotted. Not a Stormtrooper and not the Empire. He avoids the settlements, so not part of any of the migrant workers bussed in by the Empire. Occasionally he takes a shot at one of the Officers, then disappears."

"These workers? Indentured? Who to? Jaing could find out."

"He's got two days, this human only stays around so long and then disappears but Enacca says he's got some kind of pattern."

"Two days." A'den agreed.

"Will you be okay to leave her?"

"I swore I would help you didn't I?"

"Two days."

"I'll be ready."

He needed to explain to her why he was leaving her at this time, despite her not regaining her memories.