Stanley Asked for Help: The Auction
A 10ft tall owl-like humanoid in a long black robe and wearing a powdered wig walked in and stood behind a podium. He then picked up a hammer in one of his wings and slammed it against the sound block.
BANG BANG BANG
"Order in the court. Will the defendant rise?"
Stanley almost rose out of force of habit before realizing where he was and getting confused.
"I thought this was an auction. Are we in the wrong room?"
The Handwitch rolled her eyes as a fairy flew up and whispered in the owl's ear.
"The auctioneer is also a judge. He has a habit of missing up which he is doing frequently."
BANG
"Disregard that last statement. I am auctioneer Michal, also called 'Mic the Strict.' I did not get that nickname for nothing. I don't care if this is a courtroom, an auction floor, or a preschool. If I make a decision, it is final. If you don't like it, I don't care."
"Now, let's bring out our first item. Shall we?"
A bigfoot in a tux then walked through a door the auctioneer carrying a gold and black music box with three gems on its lid. From where he sat, Stan could only tell that they were blue, green, and red.
"This music box is first recorded in human possession in the year 1020 when it was given to Vikings during a coastal raid by a small pink humanoid and a walking tree that appeared and disappeared in a flash of light. The box is made of indeterminate materials, with the gems on top holding tremendous power. All attempts to use it so far have failed.
"Who will bid first?"
A small man who looked a little like Toby with a suit, cigar, and slightly more handsome raised his paddle.
"I'll bid 5 diamonds."
Stan's eyes bulged out of his sockets at that. If they were throwing diamonds around as a starting bid on the first item, they either had much wealth to burn or didn't value the diamonds that much.
Another paddle was then raised, and waved around by a group of little people with golf ball heads.
"We'll bet 6 late-night mini-golf games."
Stan didn't know which was stranger, the fact that they thought golf passes outranked diamonds, or that the auctioneer was accepting it.
The bidding continued until an incredibly bulky creature raised its paddle and called out in roars and grunts.
"And we have a Gremloblin calling out 10 uses of his power to force those that look into his eyes to see their worst fears manifest. Do I hear any other bids?
"Going Once.
"Going Twice.
"Sold to the Gremloblin in the 3rd row. Please claim your ticket to exchange with us after the auction."
Stan had a mixture of horror and curiosity when he looked at the sunglass Gremloblin walking forward for his ticket. The thoughts waging in his head were 'the one time I have money and it doesn't help at all' and 'How much could I charge for the chance to look into his eyes?'
Probably a lot, people pay to do dumber and more dangerous things all the time. Don't kid yourselves it's true.
Stan looked at each item as they came up and listened to what was being bid. 10 lbs of animal furs, 1 oz of unicorn hair, a mushroom picked from a fairy circle under a total lunar eclipse, and a ticket to see "Blue Thunder."
How that last one won the bid, he didn't understand.
Eventually, they came to the first of the two Journals.
"Up next, we have a journal written by a genius detailing all they hope to accomplish in the future."
Stanly raised his non-paddle-holding hand.
"Excuse me?"
Mic the Strick shot Stan a death glare, one he was used to getting from judges.
"Yes sir?"
"Can you tell us who the author is, mainly the name?"
The auctioneer kept staring at Stan for several more seconds before sighing.
"I was getting to that, please be patient sir. The Author is one Hailey Alakh Auli'I Banks of Oceanside California. She wrote this journal of everything she wanted to do over 6 years and then completed everything in one year when she was 14. Due to the time travel tech used, this is one of the few lists of things that will happen in the future that won't change or be butterflied out of existence."
Stan signed in annoyance at it not being his brother's journal. Sure, it sounded nice if you were willing to wait 40 years to win bets on the actions of a 14-year-old Californian.
Luckily, he wasn't so desperate for money that he would do that anymore.
"That isn't a journal I'm interested in. You?"
She shook her head.
"I already have several methods of seeing into the future and don't gamble. Given how easy it is for me to use magic to win, it's not fun."
She then pointed to Steve, who was bidding with his nuggets.
"He, on the other hand, can't see the future and has a massive gambling problem. That journal to him is worth a lot."
That piqued Stan's interest.
"Do you have ways into human casinos or are these 'No Human Allowed' places?"
The Handwitch shrugged.
"Both. A few of us can pass human enough to go to human casinos, and there are enough of us willing to gamble that we made a few casinos ourselves. There isn't one here anymore though, it got destroyed when your brother was having a bunker constructed."
Stan froze at that when he realized two things.
First, the bunker she discussed could hold one of the two missing journals.
Second was that there was a way he could make money and get info on Ford from the other half of the town's residents.
Given that the journal had just finished its auction, he let that topic end with a quick "we'll talk later" and turned his attention to the stage.
"Up next, we have a journal by a young adventurer cataloging her discoveries."
Stan raised his non-paddle hand again, to Mic's annoyance.
"I am just about to state their name."
When Stan lowered his arm, Mic continued.
"The young Hilda's writings include her encounters with trolls, woffs, fairies, and more in her home dimension around Trollburg. This is the only collection of info on our community there that is verified by that community."
Stan sighed. Looks like this wasn't going to help him find his brother after all.
The Handwitch then raised her paddle. "5 helper hands."
"6 fighting feet."
Handwitch then locked eyes with a wrinkled old man with pale blue skin with a box of feet similar to her hands. Stan could feel the malice, hate, and rage between them. a fairy between them fell to the floor twitching and didn't get up.
"6 helper hands."
"7 fighting feet."
The two went back and forth, making this seem more like they wanted to one-up the other than wanting to get the journal.
When Stan noticed that a small bat with sewed shut eyes next to him was watching the bidding war with a lot of interest.
"Want to bet on which will win the bidding war?"
The bat looked at Stan before switching back to the two elders.
"Sure. What do you have?"
Stan flashed his best con-man smile. "$50 on the Handwitch winning, and $100 that the Foot guy will throw the first punch."
The bat flashed back an equally devilish grin and held up a matching amount. "Sounds good to me. $50 from me on the Foot Wizard and $100 on the Handwitch punching first. But as part of the bet, neither of us can willingly help either win or lose. If they cast some sort of spell to mind control us or just rip off our hands or feet to sell, it doesn't count and we can still win."
Stan hesitated a moment before figuring he was just covering all his bases. "Ok, but if one of us dies because of the bid the other has the right to loot his corpse."
They then shook on it and returned to the escalating bids.
"50 hands!"
"49 feet!"
"49! You need to match or exceed my amount you old coot!"
"Everyone knows feet are superior to hands you wrinkled hag!"
"Hands are better! You should know, with how much you use yours, you bachelor!"
"Order! Order!"
Stan was smiling like a loon. This was better than Senior Fights on TV.
"I'll take my $100 now."
Stanley rolled his eyes. "We said 'throw the first punch', as in physically punch. As entertaining as that insult is, it doesn't count."
When he noticed the bat's narrowed eyes, he decided to throw the bat a fly, or whatever the expression is.
"All right, how about ANY physical act of violence between them counts as throwing the first punch, OK?"
The bat still looked annoyed but nodded.
"WITHOUT FEET YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN TO THIS BUILDING!"
"I HAVE HANDS INSTEAD OF FEET YOU OLD HACK!"
"I SAID ORDER! STOP OR I'LL THROW YOU BOTH OUT!"
"FEET ARE THE BACKBONE OF CIVILIZATION! THEY SHOW US WHERE WE HAVE BEEN AND CARRY US TO THE FUTURE!"
"THE ONLY THING YOUR FEET ARE GOOD FOR IS SHOWING HOW SMALL YOU ARE!"
"OHHHH!"
Stan had to physically hold himself back from saying anything after that last one.
"THAT'S IT!"
Mic then decided he was fed up with this juvenile display and walked down the aisle toward the two who were preparing to start throwing things at each other. Stan decided to intervene to maintain the bet and hurried over to the auctioneer.
"Hay there Mic, I was wondering. What is the full name of the author of that second journal? I know it's a girl named Hilda, but what's her middle and last name?"
Mic just shoved Stan out of his path and continued in the direction of the two seniors.
"OUCH!"
Stan smiled when he heard that before the owl picked up both by the scruffs of their necks and hoisted them to his eye level.
"Handwitch, you are banned from this auction for 6 months. Footwizard, you are banned for 1 year!"
"Why? Did you hear what she said?"
"It doesn't matter, you threw the first punch."
Stan tried to hold back his excitement, but still let a massive grin emerge on his face as he walked back to the bat and held out his hand expectedly.
"I'll take my winnings now."
The bat grumbled but handed them over.
"At least the show was entertaining. I will go outside and see if I can catch the rest of it. You coming?"
Stan shook his head and turned back to the stage where Mic was restarting the auction again.
"You go ahead, I think I'm going to stay until the Mystery Item shows up."
The bat shrugged. "OK, see you around."
As the bat left the room, Stanley saw Steve raise his paddle and a small pouch.
"50 Thimbleberries."
Stan glared at him for several seconds before glancing at the bet money he just got. He then sighed and raised his paddle.
"50 American dollars."
Steve turned to glare at Stan before raising his paddle again.
"51 Thimbleberries."
"51 American dollars."
The two kept at it like that for a while until-.
"90 Thimbleberries."
"100 American Dollars."
"91 Thimbleberries. Wait, what did-"
SLAM.
"You know the rules, Steve. You must bid an amount greater in value than what the last bid was. You are disqualified from this bidding."
"WHAT? But-"
"After what happened with the Hand Witch and Foot Wizard, I am not taking chances. Anyone else bidding?"
No one said anything, meaning Stanley got the journal.
As he returned to his seat with the ticket, the auction continued. Stanley didn't pay attention, for the most part, content to wonder what was going on with the Handwitch.
Did she and the Feet Wizard use to be an item? It would explain a few things.
"And now we are at the last item of the day. The Mystery item."
Stanley sat up and started paying much closer attention to what was being said.
The bigfoot assistant walked out with an old-fashioned lantern on a pillow with a candle inside.
"This lantern holds a Life Candle. If you have a bit of someone, such as hair, fingernails, blood, etc. Then you can bind this lantern to them. As long as the person it is bound to lives, the candle will remain lit and the flame will always point in their direction."
Stanley couldn't breathe after hearing that.
Constant proof Stanford was still alive.
He had to get that lantern.
No matter the cost.
He then pulled out his wallet when a small unicorn dressed up like a leprecorn with a large foam ball on its head covering its horn stood up.
"50,000 24-karat gold coins."
A mole man then stood up and placed a hand on a chest next to it.
"15,000 diamonds."
Stan froze and collapsed in his seat as more bid with ludicrously high amounts. The only way he could feasibly compete is if he offered something the auctioneer would value more than anything else.
He then looked at his and the Hand Witches' belongings to see if he could use anything.
Severed hands, maybe. Magazine of hunky men in skimpy outfits, save that for later. Missing posters, doubt it. Wanted posters, same as missing.
Wait! That's it!
L kdg wrr pxfk ixq zlwk wkh Kdqgzlwfk dqg Irrwzlcdug iljkwlqj. Bhv, wkhb duh hav.
This was supposed to be the closing, but it kept going so have a part 3 next week.
The answers to where the items are from
- a bejeweled music box: Amphibia
- a Pembroke Welsh Corgi: Cowboy Bebop
- a thermos: Danny Phantom
- a gas gun: Darkwing Duck
- butterfly swords: The Dragon Prince
- a Dime: Ducktales
- The Journal of an Idiotic Genius: Hailey's On It! She is very smart, but when it comes to romance she is an idiot. And the show writers are too for what they pulled in the season finale.
- The Journal of an Adventurer: Hilda.
- a high-tech backpack: Invader Zim
- a spear tipped with a stinger: Kipo and the Age of Wonder Beasts
- ghostly robes: The Ghost and Molly McGee
- bird-shaped scissors: Over the Garden Wall
-briefcase with a large eye: The Owl House
- a yellow shirt with a jagged black stripe in the middle: Peanuts
- an anti-mind-altering crystal: Pretty Freekin Scarry
- a wand: SVTFOE
- a laser sword: Star Wars
- a sample of fungi: The Last of Us
- the costumes of the Mayhems: Villains of Valley View
-Mystery Item (original item I made up myself): The lantern that says Stanford still lives.
To celebrate the upcoming "Book of Bill", I have decided to make this a Gravity Falls summer! This means I plan to post a chapter of this fanfic once a week, every Friday morning until
August 30th. Though currently the prewritten chapters are extending over the 13 I originally planned, so it might go longer.
I have a if you want to support me and my New Year's resolution of posting one fanfic of 2k words or more weekly. This is also being posted on , AO3, and Tumbler.
: user?u=10132890
: s/14051718/1/luz-appreciation-week-2022-from-1228248
AO3: /works/52823413/chapters/133608991
Tumbler: blog/brianedner
I am also doing fanfic info dumps, think wiki articles that go one episode at a time with some compilations at the end on certain topics that are sorted by episode.
Fanfic info dumps here: 1228248/gallery