The Thing About Expectations
The thing about expectations was, Vesper Illéa shattered them all.
Upon first meeting, Hayden had labeled Vesper a bitch of a woman with an unreadable face. The truth was, Vesper was more like Hayden than she first realized. They were both women struggling to be understood and appreciated for what they had to offer. As another in a litany of spares, Hayden served no purpose other than a pretty face. As the daughter of a convicted traitor and criminal, Vesper served no purpose other than to create scandal. They made quite the pair, fighting off what other people thought they should be.
Hayden would be lying if she said her bond with Vesper didn't already run deep.
"This day has been such a dream," Vesper cooed, smiling in a way Hayden previously thought her incapable. Vesper came off as such a cold person, but she had a killer personality stashed behind that marble veneer. Hayden was glad she waited for the ice to thaw.
"It really has," Hayden agreed.
After buying out the entirety of Angeles, the two of them had decided to wear their new ensembles - a turquoise jumpsuit for Hayden and a silver and black cocktail dress for Vesper - out to an impromptu dinner. Now, stuffed to the brim with charcuterie and alcohol, Hayden didn't want the evening to end. Half of the reason she ordered the second bottle of Merlot was because she was loathe to part with Vesper's company. It had been too long, if not forever, since she found someone she clicked with so quickly.
"We should do this more often," Hayden continued, hopeful that Vesper would agree.
"I'll reserve you a standing appointment," Vesper said, her smile growing impossibly wider. "It may get difficult to navigate once I take this new project in Carolina, but we will make it work."
"It sounds like we are negotiating a long-distance relationship," Hayden giggled into her wine.
A buzzing came from inside Hayden's Louis Vuitton bag, knocking the silverware into each other. There were only a handful of people who had access to her personal number. which meant there were only a handful of people it could be, all of them pretty important. However, she had lost track of time. It was late, too late, and she should have been somewhere else hours ago.
Date night. Shit.
"It's Rhys," Hayden said apologetically. How stupid was she to schedule an outing with Vesper on date night?
"Oh, but we are having a such a fun time, just us girls," Vesper insisted and swatted at Hayden's arm, her cheeks flushed from her second glass of wine. "Let's not let a boy ruin our fun. You can call him in the morning, explain everything. I'm sure he'll understand."
Well...Vesper did have a point. Hayden and Rhys had date night nearly every week. This was she and Vesper's first outing ever. In the future, she would make sure that Vesper scheduled their outings on a different day, or Hayden would keep tabs on the time. For now, Hayden was happy where she was. Besides, Rhys should be happy that Hayden got along so well with his sister.
The phone buzzed twice more before Hayden sent it to voicemail.
"You're right," Hayden agreed, dropping the phone into the depths of her Louis Vuitton.
"There is one thing you can explain for me, though," Vesper said, leaning in conspiratorially. "Who is that tall Viking of a man lurking at the bar, failing desperately to fit in?"
It wasn't hard to spot the man in question. He really did stick out like a store thumb, classic black suit rumpled from a day of chasing two women around boutiques and shopping malls.
"Oh, he's with security," Hayden said with a wave of her hand. Honestly, she was so used to these 'shadows' that she forgot about them. "As Dad would say, we can never be too careful."
"He just follows you around everywhere you go?"
"The perks of being royal." Sarcasm rolled off Hayden's tongue, second nature. Truth be told she hated all the coddling, thought it was overzealous. A relic from darker days Dad couldn't seem to move past. But he asked for so little that it was hard to say no without being ungrateful.
Vesper laughed and took a drink. "Honestly, how have the two of you managed to hide this affair for so long?"
Hayden bristled, her pleasant buzz dimming as the dirty word tainted the air.
"Affair?"
"I'm sorry, is that not the right term?" Vesper cocked her head to the side, perplexed. "What do the two of you call yourselves? Lovers? Paramours? Amoureuses? I'm afraid I'm not entirely up to date on all the latest slang."
"We haven't defined anything per say..."
"Haven't defined anything? After how long you've been seeing one another?" Vesper could hardly believe her ears, scoffing into her drink. "You must call yourselves something. How do you introduce each other to your friends?"
"We haven't...we've never had the chance to..."
How could Hayden admit that she had kept Rhys under wraps, hidden in corners of speakeasies and the shadows of crowded ballrooms? How could she admit that no one knew they were together? No one knew how happy Rhys made her, how he made her sing with laughter and cry tears of joy. No one knew because of their last names, the perpetual excuse that suddenly sounded so weak, so hollow to her ears.
Hayden remained silent for too long. Vesper looked reticent, her eyes full of sympathy.
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to step on any toes," Vesper apologized, strangely unsure of herself. "It's just, Rhys barely tells me anything about his life. I feel so left out. I want to get to know you as he does. I want to understand him and be close to him...to you both."
"It's fine." No it's not, the voice in Hayden's head taunted. "I don't really have any friends. Being royal...it's hard to find people who want to be around you for you and not what you can do for them. Besides, I never needed them. I always have - had Auden."
"Oh, dear." Vesper reached out and placed one hand over Hayden's, giving it a squeeze. "I hadn't even thought about how hard it must be for you, losing a twin."
"It's not like she's really gone." Not like she's dead, the voice came back. Not like another sister we have. "We still talk every day. She writes. I'm happy she's happy. It's just...not the same. I miss her."
'Miss' was too strong a word for how the absence of Auden gouged a crater deep within Hayden's heart. How it felt like she lost a limb. How she was literally half of herself. And if this is how she felt with Auden a phone call away, then Hayden did not ever want to face what would happen when Gabbi finally -
Vesper's hand squeezed again, gently, a reminder that Hayden was not alone. Vesper's face was kind, no judgement in sight.
"Well, I know I could never hold a candle to your real sister, but you have me, now. After all, my brother is crazy about you. We are practically family already."
The thought was a nice one. Hayden smiled. "Thank you, Vesper. I would love to have you as a sister."
"I've always wanted a sister, you know," Vesper confessed, tucking a strand of dark hair behind her ear. "Not that I don't love having Rhys, but there's just something special about having another girl around to relate to, to tell each other things, braid each other's hair."
"Your mom didn't do that with you?"
Rhys hardly spoke of his parents, but on the rare occasion he would let something slip, it was always about his mother. She was a ballerina, if Hayden remembered correctly. The prima for the Russian Imperial Ballet. Rhys told Hayden once that watching her dance was like watching the spinning figure in a jewelry box: elegant, flawless, trapped.
"My mom died when I was very young," Vesper said, and Hayden immediately felt bad for asking about what was clearly a difficult topic. Then again, this was a difficult conversation all around. "Rhys was a little older, so he remembers her a little better, but I just have vague memories. Her smile, the way her perfume smelled." Vesper's eyes shone as she met Hayden's gaze. "You're lucky you have such a big family. You all seem so close, so perfect."
"We are far from perfect, nothing to be jealous of, believe me." Hayden brushed off the silly notion, trying to make Vesper feel better. "We're at each other's throats more often than not these days."
"You've seen the way Rhys and I fight."
"Yeah, that was rough," Hayden laughed along with Vesper, glad she wasn't making a big deal about trampling over what was clearly a sensitive topic in the Illéa household. "Reminds me of the way Kase and Elodie fight...or Kase and Dad...or Kase and anyone."
"I'm sorry your relationship with your brother is so strained," Vesper said, sympathy sparkling in those green eyes. "I couldn't imagine not having Rhys in my corner, especially after everyone else we've lost."
For a moment, envy flashed in the pit of Hayden's stomach, until she realized that she had no reason to be jealous.
"Our relationship is fine, for now. He likes me enough...I think. It's hard to tell with him. It's hard to tell with any of them. The only one I could really rely on was Auden. She was so constant...you always knew what you were getting, and we knew each other so well. And then..."
"Then?" Vesper prompted gently.
"She just...went and got engaged? And she didn't even tell me? It's like everything I thought I knew about her wasn't real. Like she was someone else." These were petty thoughts that did not need to be voiced. But there she was, pouring her heart out to a woman she'd had only spent time with for a handful of hours. A stranger, practically. But Hayden knew somehow that Vesper knew exactly how she was feeling. That still didn't make it right, though. Hayden put down her glass. She'd had enough to drink. "I don't know. I'm being dramatic for no reason. Blame the wine."
"People do the strangest things when they feel trapped, like they have no other choice." Vesper swirled her wine, red liquid sloshing dangerously close to the rim of the glass, threatening to pour over and stain the white linen tablecloth. "From what you've told me, Auden seems like she is a very private person. Perhaps she felt getting engaged to a foreign prince was her only option to avoid having her love life televised for all to see."
"Maybe, but I feel like getting engaged has caused the press to stick their nose further in her business. A Selection would be exciting, sure, but it's expected. It's practically routine. A royal turns nineteen and suddenly everyone is like 'oh, it's Selection time! Let's roll out the red carpet to a bunch of strangers again!'" Hayden mocked, and she didn't care how it made her sound. When she and Auden refused to have Selections, the announcement had caused just as big of a stir. Tradition was not something to be broken lightly, and Auden was certainly breaking it with a bang. "An engagement to a prince? Which also includes a whole litany of royal events? That's the opposite of low key."
"You don't think the King would make you have a Selection?"
"Make me?" Hayden scoffed, rolled her eyes. "Dad wouldn't force any of us to do anything. But thankfully Elodie already did all that 'unifying Illéa' stuff. There's no point for any of the rest of us to do it."
"Even if that marriage were to dissolve? Would that 'stuff' still count?"
Hayden didn't have an answer to that. No royal couple, not even the worst of the worst - Clarkson and Amberly, Justin and Abby - had gotten a divorce. It simply wasn't in the cards, no matter how much everyone wanted Elodie to dump that heaping pile of dog shit she called a husband.
And yet, the thought persisted...
...what if Dad did make her have a Selection?
Kase wasn't up to the task, that much for sure. He had the maturity of a twelve-year-old who had just learned what lied between his legs was really good for. Auden was officially off the market, tied to another country. It was stupid of her to rest all her hopes on Delia's Selection; that was going about as well as a slow-motion train wreck. And Gabbi...as much as it hurt to admit, Gabbi wasn't going to make it to nineteen.
What if everything she was building with Rhys, as tentative and secretive as it was, was for nothing? What if the crown demanded it all be snatched away? The thoughts made her sick, made the wine churn in her stomach, crawl up her throat, stinging sickly sweet.
Was Hayden a good enough sister to make that sacrifice? If the time came, could she really say goodbye to Rhys?
"Are you alright?" Vesper asked, her cool hand placed gently on Hayden's clammy wrist. "You've gone positively ghostly."
"Fine," Hayden said with a tight-lipped smile, trying to get her shit together before she made a scene. "The wine just...hit me. I think I'm going to call it a night."
"Alright," Vesper replied easily, none the wiser to Hayden's internal crisis. "Call me when you get home."
Hayden nodded and signaled to her Viking. (Honestly, the man could try harder to act like he wasn't watching her so attentively, nearly jumping off his stool the second she made eye contact). The two girls hugged and went their separate ways, Hayden immediately feeling sad watching Vesper retreat into the night.
The car ride back to the palace was quiet. Before, Hayden was afraid of getting caught past curfew and having to explain to her parents why she spent the whole night with Vesper Illéa. Now, Hayden's mind was consumed not with the perfect cover story, but thoughts of her own Selection. It was a surreal experience, she had to admit, watching the lights of the palace come into view over the tree-lined hill and imagine inside awaited thirty-five suitors competing for her hand...thirty-five suitors who were not Rhys. It was surreal to imagine herself loving anyone else.
Why had she been so adamant for him not to say it, again? What was her reason? Was it even important anymore? Surely it would come back to her in the morning. But right now, in this moment, she wanted nothing more than to hear Rhys say he loved her.
Hayden pulled her phone out of the trenches of her Louis Vuitton. The banner flashed as soon as she hit the home button: two missed calls from Rhys Illéa.
She hit the dial back button and listened, hopelessness mounting, as the line rang and rang and rang with no answer. He didn't even have a personalized voicemail, a generic robotic voice reading out the numbers Hayden knew forwards and backwards and a prompt to leave a message at the beep. Hayden was tempted to leave something snarky, but that wouldn't be fair. Not after she blew him off first. Finding the right words was hard, so she settled for leaving no message at all.
By the time Hayden returned her phone to her Louis, the car had rolled up to the front entrance of the palace. She pulled the bags out the back and thanked her driver and her viking, leaving them with the unspoken agreement that none of them were to repeat the night's events to anyone. It was cold out, and Hayden wished that she wasn't such a slave to fashion. She could do with a sweatshirt right about now, but it simply wouldn't go with the look.
Thankfully the palace was heated, warmth covering her like a blanket as she took the stairs to her room by twos. Hayden was looking forward to a long bath and a late morning. Maybe she would even get a head start on that new TV show Kase wanted to her to watch with him.
She was one flight away from channel surfing and a bubble bath when crossed paths with someone. Rather, something.
"Is that my pashmina?"
The man in question flushed - yes, flushed - and ducked his head. It was definitely her missing pashmina - light purple and embroidered with floral patterns near the edges, a hand-made gift from her Great Aunt May that matched the pink one made for Auden. One of a kind. And currently hanging off the shoulders of a very guilty young man.
"Yeah..." he said, rubbing the back of head, his short black hair. He was strangely endearing with his galaxy skin and sheepish smile, not to mention he wore such a feminine thing with confidence. He wasn't embarrassed about wearing a pashmina, just getting caught wearing her pashmina. "I found it lying on the back of a chair in the Men's Room, thought it was nobody's. I checked with the princess and she said she'd never seen it."
"Of course Cordelia said that," Hayden said with a bitter edge, trying not to take her frustration out on this poor unassuming Selected. She was pretty sure this guy was a Selected, anyway. Not many people around here were that clueless. "She was probably stoned out of her mind when she stole it from my closet."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know - "
"Of course you didn't. How could you?" It was a rhetorical question, meant as a joke but falling flat. This guy looked scared of her. Hayden would have to do better, especially if she may find herself in a similar situation in the future. "It's not your fault. She gets off on making my life miserable. I think it's a better high than the drugs."
Joking about how much of a mess Delia was usually broke the tension between her siblings. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea with Selected. This guy didn't look any less nervous than before. If anything, he was downright uncomfortable.
"I don't wanna get in the middle of anything. Like I said, I'm sorry. I'll just - " he jerked a thumb behind him and bit down on his bottom lip. " - get going. It's past curfew anyway."
"Yeah, it is," Hayden agreed, her words barely louder than a breath. She was well aware of the hour, and didn't care why this guy was out past it. She was in no place to judge his actions, but she could judge his taste. A purple pashmina? With his skin tone? Really? Hayden had half a mind to tell him he needed to stick to his color wheel, but by the time she looked his way, he was gone.
She shoved the pashmina into one of her bags and finished the last leg of her trip to her room.
There were voices coming from the other side of her door. Usually she would chalk that up to Auden talking to Gabbi or Kase, but two out of those three weren't in the palace at the moment. Besides, these voices sounded formal. Media voices.
Hayden opened her door, ready to raise hell if someone had let a pervvy reporter into her bedroom.
Thankfully there was no reporter. The voices came from the television. A maid had a hand over her mouth, eyes watering as she stared at the screen. Hayden moved to stand by her side, curious as to what could possibly be so captivating.
She dropped her bags and stifled a scream.
Broadcasting live from the early hours of Portugal was Auden's engagement parade, and the headline: One dead, four injured in royal assassination attempt.