Chapter 13: Every Time I'm Past The Hardest Part

A/N: A (somewhat) quicker update, around 4 thousand words. This was originally going to be a solely Bella chapter but Esme just spoke to me, hope you like it.

Every time I'm past the hardest part

Here comes another ghost just to pull me to the dark

I thought it was over (thought it was over)

God, let this be over

'Cause if I'm being honest, I'm not being honest.

-Honest by Kyndal Inskeep

Bella's POV

I toss and turn, both in desperate need of sleep and yet unwilling to face my unconscious mind.

Maybe I should mention it to Carlisle, see if there's some pill that could bring me some relief. . . But I don't want to bother him. I can deal with a few more restless nights, it's always better when Edward's with me, anyways.

I run my fingers through my hair, trying to calm my shaking body from the panic that was setting in. I felt cold, hollow even. The familiar pain in my chest had returned as I watched Edward leave last night.

This is only the second time Edward and I have been separated for more than a few hours since we got back from Italy.

"I'll be back before you have a chance to miss me." His words ghosted over me like a promise I knew would be broken.

I rolled my eyes at the common phrase that had no standing here. Edward's view of time differed greatly from mine. Even Emmett, who was only around 90, saw time moving much faster than it seemed to move for me. My seconds felt like hours.

"Three days." He whispers again, "I'll be back soon. Time will fly – for both of us."

I nod, swallowing thickly, pretending I believed him. His words make my heart twist. Did he know how terrified I sometimes was that he would leave and not come back? That I would wake up and realize this was just another twisted, hellish nightmare my mind conjured up?

Of course he doesn't know, I tell myself. How could he when you don't tell him how scared you are that he won't come back? I know I won't say the words out loud, though, even thinking them hurt. I could almost hear Renee's words, words I heard every time I brought up something even slightly uncomfortable: "Bringing this up now is pointless," Renee would protest. "Talking about the bad things serves no purpose at all, aside from making them last longer. It's better to just forget them and move on." I didn't realize how much her words had shaped my views on this.

Charlie is waiting for me when I come downstairs. I avoid the food, my stomach churning as I try to force coffee down.

"You okay, Bells?"

I wipe at my tired eyes. "I'm fine, Dad. Just tired." I can feel his eyes on me but he doesn't speak again until I prompt him.

"I got called to help on a case in Olympia."

"Okay?" I waited for him to continue.

"I don't know all the specific details but it's a case similar to a string of ones we've had here," I nod at his words as he continues. "I'm going to be gone till Monday at the earliest."

"I'll be fine if that's what you're worried about," I assure him.

"Actually Alice called me earlier since I guess she knows you're grounded."

"Alice knows everything whether I tell her or not." There was a slight edge to my voice that surprised me, I didn't think I was still holding any resentment towards my best friend.

"Well like the boys said yesterday, everyone except her and her parents are going camping or something this weekend. She asked if you could spend the night. I spoke to Esme, too. She and Carlisle offered to watch over you or whatnot while I'm gone." He tells me. I could imagine Charlie would agree with anything Esme said, she was an incredibly hard woman to say 'no' to.

"Oh. . . Really?" This seems too perfect for everything to just fit into place like this. . . And now that I think about it, Jasper said Alice is leaving after school on Friday. Why would Esme offer to watch me if their kids would be gone? I'm sure time alone is a rarity for them, so why would they want me there?

"I'd feel better if you stayed with them, Kid." Charlie looks apologetic, though I'm not sure why. I have every reason to be grounded, and he doesn't even know half the reasons. I will be safer there, too.

"I, uh, thanks Dad. I'll, uh, go pack a bag so I can go home with Alice after school." I took the offering of an escape from Charlie, not awake enough to hold this conversation in a way that wouldn't seem rude. I didn't want to upset him or seem ungrateful for this olive branch he was extending when he had every right to keep me at home.

The coffee wasn't working and I was irrationally upset with myself because of it. I've been getting by on such little sleep, sometimes going days at a time without sleeping before Edward came back, so why was I this drained after only one night apart? I searched the drawers in my desk until I found the unassuming little box of caffeine pills that were at one time my best friend and swallowed two dry, hoping Alice won't see and question me about it.

I hear Charlie call up a goodbye before leaving for work and I know I only have a few minutes to myself until Alice is here to drive me to school.

I wanted to scream into my pillow or cry, something- ANYTHING- to feel different than I do right now. I've reached my limit, which seems like it should be over something more than a missed night of sleep at this point. I stuff it down, swallowing hard at the chalky taste in my throat from the caffeine pills. I go to the bathroom and wash my face again, hoping to hide any tears of frustration that might have fallen before grabbing my backpack and overnight bag and going downstairs.

Alice is waiting by the door inside the house, "I would have knocked but it wouldn't have made a difference."

"It's fine," I assure her as she takes my overnight bag from me. It's not the first time a Cullen has broken into my house, I'm sure it won't be the last.

"You look like hell," she tells me as we climb into Edward's Volvo.

"Gee thanks, Alice."

"Did you get any sleep last night at all?" She asks, appraising my face so I can't lie.

"No, but I'm fine. I'm used to it." I wish I was more used to it, I should be more used to this.

I could feel her watching me but I stubbornly kept my eyes on the road in front of us.

There was a beat of silence, the only sound coming from my breathing and the ever-present falling rain.

"I'm taking you to see Carlisle."

"Alice, I'm fine!"

"You are obviously not. I'm honestly surprised Charlie left you alone at all."

Always so dramatic, I didn't look that bad. "I can't miss class, they'll call Charlie and it'll be a whole thing, please. I'll see Carlisle after school." I missed enough school as it is, and sleep deprivation was something I could handle for a day.

I could tell she wasn't happy with the agreement but she relented, probably realizing how close to breaking down I already am.

She parks in Edward's usual spot and I hurry to get out before she changes her mind and drags me to see Carlisle. The ice-cold rain hits my face and wakes me up more than the coffee ever could, though now I'm regretting only having coffee because of the always present (yet currently worse) pain in my stomach. My hands are shaky, probably from the caffeine, but I stuff them in my pockets before Alice can see.

I was thankful my first class was without Alice, I didn't have to pretend I was okay, I just had to make it through. Government was never my favorite class, and with how lousy I was feeling today, that didn't change. I ignored Jessica as she sat down next to me, her curiosity to get the latest gossip being the only discernible reason she would care that I looked like shit.

My stomach cramped and I breathed deeply to try and push the nausea it caused back down. I tried to tell myself that because I didn't eat, there was nothing to throw up, but my stomach didn't seem to care. Resting my head on my hand I close my eyes to stop the room from spinning. I've dealt with worse, this used to be my every day, but it was hitting me hard today. I probably should have stayed home, even if I would still be feeling exactly the same, just in a different environment.

"Ms. Swan," a loud voice close by woke me from whatever level of sleep I found. It took me a second to remember where I was.

"Sorry," I rushed out an apology, my face burning in embarrassment. The few minutes of sleep I managed were thankfully dream-free. It was more than I could have hoped for.

"You don't look well, how are you feeling?"

I shrugged, "I'm fine," I answered softly. I don't feel up for a conversation.

"Class ended a few minutes ago. Why don't you go to the nurse's office and they can call your father to pick you up." I nodded, not wanting to explain that that wasn't an option. I just needed to get away from this teacher and I could figure something else out.

I shouldn't have been surprised that when I managed to shove all my things back into my backpack and stumble out of the room, Alice was there to catch me.

"Mom is coming to get you, to bring you to see Carlisle. He won't get off for a few more hours but they're both worried," I started to protest but she cut me off. "I'm worried, too, okay? You look like you did that first night I got back here. I'd bring you myself but I really do have a test that I can't miss."

I bit my lip, looking away from her and considering my options. He had only left a few hours before. He certainly wouldn't have if he had known the condition I seemed to be in now. I wish he was home with me. But he needed to hunt; I told myself again and pressed the heel of my hand hard against my stomach as the cramping started all over again.

She rolled her eyes at me, before dragging me in the direction of the nurse's office. I'm sure she would have carried me if she could have gotten away with it, just to make sure I went. "You're so stubborn." I don't think I was supposed to hear her muttering under her breath.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

-Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

Esme's POV

I stood at the fridge going over what we would need for Bella's stay this weekend before I take a trip to the store. The house was too quiet, I felt an uneasiness that I couldn't explain until my cell phone rang, Alice's name on the screen.

School only started less than an hour ago. "Alice?"

"Mom," Alice greeted.

"Why aren't you in class?" The last I heard she was leaving after driving Bella home after school. "Is everything okay?"

"Bella didn't look well this morning when I went to pick her up for school. I let her talk me out of taking her to see Dad, since she would see him at home in a few hours but I just had a vision and she's currently falling asleep in class. I'm worried about Bella, this isn't like her." She speaks too quickly and quietly for anyone to overhear.

"I'll come to get her, Alice. Don't worry," I assure her, car keys already in my hand as I walk towards my car. The second the phone call with Alice ends I am calling Carlisle. The phone rings and then goes to his voicemail, he must be with a patient. "Carlisle, I'm bringing Bella to the hospital to see you. I don't know what is wrong yet, but Alice called me to pick her up from school. We'll see you soon."

Entering the small front office of Forks High School I smile kindly at the woman behind the counter. I was only here two weeks ago to reenroll Edward and Alice, but it felt like much longer.

"Mrs. Cullen, it's a pleasure to see you. Is there anything I can help you with today?"

"I am here to pick up Isabella Swan, she is staying with my family for the weekend and she called me from the nurse's office."

"Oh dear, if you'll sign her out right here I'll go and grab her for you." She said as she handed me a clipboard.

It feels like too long, listening to the clicking of Mrs. Cope's heels as she walks the short distance to the nurse's office and back, a familiar pair of converse stumbling in time with her on her return.

My poor baby. I could easily see why Alice was worried. Poor Bella looked like she hadn't slept in weeks, her cheeks flushed as if she had a fever. I take her backpack from her with one hand while wrapping my other arm around her shoulders to help support her.

"Hope you feel better, Bella," Mrs. Cope calls after us.

I am thankful I parked so close to the office, Bella doesn't look like she could make it much farther. Once inside I turn the heat on for her, watching as she leans her head back with her eyes closed.

I place my cool hand on her overheated forehead and her eyes open tiredly. "Did you sleep at all last night, Sweetheart?"

Her eyes shift from mine and back before she nods, clearly lying, though I don't know why.

"We're going to see Carlisle at the hospital," I tell her, not expecting a protest.

"N-no, Esme. I'm fine, I can see him when he gets home." Her eyes are open now as she watches me, worrying her lip. "Really."

I sigh, too softly for her to hear. "If you're worried about my discomfort, don't be, Sweetheart. You are my only concern." I reassure her as we pull into the hospital parking lot. She clenches her hands in her lap, looking down at them. I saw them shaking, though I knew she was trying to hide it.

It took a little more convincing for Bella to leave the car, but I wasn't willing to budge on the subject. I wrap my arm around her and pull her into my side as we walk inside.

Inside the lights were much brighter than it was outside, her eyes scrunched up as she looked towards the ground. A migraine if I had to guess.

Carlisle is waiting for us, quickly looking her over before turning back to the nurse. "I'll take this, Anna," he tells her before addressing us. "How's my favorite patient?" He asks Bella, kissing my cheek before he pulls her into a hug.

"I'm fine," Bella says quietly, her face heating up with a blush. "H-how are you?"

He smiled at me over Bella's head as he opened the door to the exam room and ushered us in. "Oh, I'm doing well, though we both haven't seen enough of you, Sweetheart." He pats the bed for her to jump up on after closing the door behind us.

Her blush came back almost instantly as she looked from me to Carlisle. "I'm sorry, I've wanted to come over more but between Charlie grounding me for Italy, my job, and Alice helping me get caught back up with school and everything I haven't been able to make it over," she apologizes.

"You have nothing to apologize for," I assured her once the words left her mouth, smiling at the sweet girl we all love so much. I ran my hand through Bella's hair before softly caressing her cheek. She looked so fragile right now; as if a gust of wind could knock her down.

Her hands clenched in her lap but it didn't hide the fact they were shaking. There were smudges under her eyes, the skin looking a bit puffy. Reaching out silently, he touched his hand to her cheek and then her brow frowning as he felt the excess heat of her skin. He turns to get a thermometer from a drawer, placing a plastic cover on it before telling Bella to hold it under her tongue. The thermometer beeped after a minute and Carlisle removed it, "101.7," he commented. He apologized for the cold as he put the diaphragm of the stethoscope on her back. We could both hear her lungs and heart well enough to forgo the stethoscope but he always used it to keep up the human appearance. "Your heartbeat is a little fast, that could be from dehydration."

Her lungs weren't completely clear. I watched as he took out a needle and tubes to collect her blood to test. I took her free hand in mine, urging her to look away from Carlisle while he worked as quickly as possible.

"What do you think it could be?" I ask him.

"I'm worried it could be pneumonia or the flu" he tells me. "Bella, Sweetheart, what have you eaten today?" He asks as he places a bandaid over the small incision.

Bella looked away, clearly uncomfortable, "um. . . I had some coffee. I, uh, wasn't feeling up to eating anything. I didn't think I could keep anything down." Her voice trailed off.

"Do you think you could try and eat something once Esme brings you home?"

She shrugged. "I'll try."

"That's all we can ask for," I squeeze her hand softly.

"What's that?" Bella asks, looking at the small box Carlisle took from a cabinet.

"It is a rapid influenza diagnostic test or a RIDT. It's also called flu antigen tests, they can identify the presence of influenza A and B."

"How does it work?"

"They work by detecting the parts of the flu virus called antigens that trigger an immune response. I have to swab your nostril and we should know in under 15 minutes if you have the flu antigens present."

"Oh."

The swab makes her sneeze. "How did you sleep last night, Sweetheart?" He asks next.

She didn't look up, focusing again on her clenched hands in her lap. "I didn't really get much sleep last night."

"And how does your head feel?" He lifted her chin with his hand to see her face clearly. "And please don't say it's 'fine,' I need a more descriptive answer than fine." He says the last part in a teasing manner and she smiles softly at him.

"I have a headache, but it's not too bad." Always downplaying how she feels, I can't help but wonder why.

His hands go to her scalp where he feels around, pressing lightly. "Does this hurt?"

"No."

"How would you describe the pain, aching, dull or throbbing?"

"Um," she considers it for a second, "more throbbing, I think."

"And you said before that you were feeling nauseous, is that a current symptom as well?"

"Yes."

"Are you feeling dizzy?"

"Yeah, but I feel like this most of the time, Carlisle. It's not that bad."

He sighs. "You shouldn't feel like this, Sweetheart." He pushes a lock of hair behind her ear. "From the symptoms you told me I think it is more likely a migraine than a headache. Lack of sleep can cause this, as well. I know it won't be fun but hopefully, it'll pass soon." He tells her before bringing her into his arms.

"Should we be concerned?" I ask him, too quietly for her to hear.

"It hasn't gotten too bad yet. But if she can't sleep, I'll have to sedate her. Sleep deprivation will make her ill if it goes on for too long." He answered me. "It will be alright, sweetheart," Carlisle promised her gently at a normal volume while smoothing his hand down the length of her hair as he felt her tremble in his arms. "There's no reason to keep you here, thankfully. I am going to get you some acetaminophen for your fever and migraine. I want you to try and eat something when you get home, try your best but if you can't keep it down I'll bring home some nausea medicine for you. We give it to mothers who are having trouble with morning sickness." She nods, agreeing to try. "I'll be right back."

"When we get back I can make you some toast, or maybe chicken soup?" I offer.

She shrugs but doesn't disagree, her skin tinged green. "Thanks, Esme. You don't have to but I really appreciate it." She answers, her cheeks heating up again.

I lean in and kiss her forehead, my poor baby.

Carlisle is back shortly with two pills, water, and a coke. He hands her the pills and water first, watching as she swallows them before taking a big sip. He leans down and kisses her forehead again. "I'll see you soon, I have a short surgery scheduled for today and then I'm off for the weekend," he tells us. He hands me the unopened bottle of coke, instructing me to have her sip it slowly if she's feeling nauseous. "Keep an eye on her temperature. Let me know if it doesn't break or increase any, I don't think it will but look out for it just in case. She'll be fine, we'll take care of her, Love." He whispers to me, kissing my cheek.

"Ready to go, Sweetheart?" I ask her.

She nods, taking my offered hand to help her down from the table. Once on the ground, she keeps hold of my hand with a vice-like grip.

"Bella?"

"Dizzy," she answers, her eyes wide open and focused on the ground as she fights with her equilibrium.

A/N: I hope you liked this chapter, look forward to more Carlisle/ Esme/ Bella interaction in the next chapter. Please Review!