It's been a week since The Talk.
A week since Liv opened her heart and soul to him, flayed open the wounds of the past decade, told him about the monster that still haunts her dreams.
A week since Elliot forgot how to breathe.
He was strong then. Knew he had to be, because her story wasn't about him. He needed to be the kind, loyal, dedicated man that she deserved, needed to hold her while she cried, needed to resist the urge to explode into thousands of pieces, with the newfound knowledge that while he was busy trying to save the shreds of himself way back then, she was being ripped apart. The one time she needed him, the one time she admitted to needing him, and he was an ocean away.
Now, alone, all he felt was insurmountable guilt. There was plenty of rage and remorse mixed in as well, but guilt emerged the victor. He'd spent a lot of time at the gym this week. Attended two therapy appointments. Visited his priest. None of it mattered, none of it was a quick fix. Just like the death of Kathy, just like shooting Jenna, he'd live with this sin for the rest of his life.
He ran away from her, when he should have been running towards her all along.
Sitting at this bar around the corner from the 1-6, he's drowning. Drowning in the shitty music blaring from some high-tech speakers, drowning in bottom shelf whiskey, drowning in what ifs and maybes and parallel universes.
When Fin finally makes it there and takes a seat beside him, Elliot's crying. Not enough to be noticeable to others or make a scene, but enough that Fin sees his bloodshot eyes and damp cheeks. He wanted to be stronger for this conversation, God help him, but meeting with the man that replaced him as Liv's best friend and was there for her in the aftermath of absolute destruction was a debt he'd never be able to repay.
Fin needs to know just how important he is. Not that Elliot needed to tell him (he wasn't sure how much of his words held merit in Fin's eyes these days), but he wanted him to know just the same.
He had others to talk to as well: Don, Amanda, Nick, Barba, even Brian fucking Cassidy. But Fin was first on the list.
Elliot buys Fin a drink and they move to a table. This isn't barstool talk; he needs a level of intimacy over the noise. So they sit, and Elliot unfurls. Tells Fin how sorry he is that he wasn't there, how grateful he is that Liv had him and has him as her friend, how much he respects him for devoting his career to SVU when he could have left ages ago, but stayed for Liv. How he's always loved him like a brother, despite the time and the miles, and he's thankful that he's been like a brother to Liv.
He takes another swig of whiskey and winces as it burns his throat, now rough and raw with emotion. "So, that's it, man. I know you don't need to hear it from me, but I just couldn't let the time go to waste. There's been too much of that. I just wanted to thank you, for being the man that I wasn't."
Fin, who hasn't spoken at all, has been eyeing Elliot carefully. "Where have you been?"
"Lots of places. Italy, did private security in the Czech Republic and Croatia,"
"No. I mean, where have you been? Your mind, your heart? Where has it been all this time? This decade, this year? And where does Liv fit in?"
Elliot wasn't expecting this, though he should have. Nothing about this conversation was going to be easy. But he didn't deserve easy, and he knew he didn't deserve Liv. Honesty was his only out.
"I was a mess after Jenna. I had to leave."
"Had to leave the job, I get that, 100 percent. Why did you walk away from her? You broke her. And look at you now, continuing to break her. Why? Why did you fucking leave?"
"Fin, you know why. Do I really have to say it?"
"Yes, you really have to say it. I know it, but I wanna hear you say it."
"Because I was in love with her. I am in love with her."
A silence falls over the duo as voice is finally given to Elliot's heart. He feels a mixture of relief and sadness- getting it out in the open feels good, but Liv isn't there to hear it.
"So you broke her, and now you want to fix her. Put back the pieces. Why should I let you? Why should any of us let you?"
"Doesn't she get to decide?"
"Yeah, Liv gets to decide. And she's always going to choose your stupid ass. I just wish, for once, that you chose her."
Elliot whips his head sharply at that dig, and he can't help the words that tumble from his lips. "The day I killed Jenna, I chose her."
Fin's eyes widen with understanding.
"I could have wounded her, Fin, you know that. We are taught to wound first, not to kill. I killed a teenage girl because all I saw was the threat of Liv dying."
Fin shakes his head. "We were all witnesses that day. We backed your play. None of us would have done anything differently."
"You sure about that?" He watches as Fin opens his mouth to speak, but then closes it abruptly. Exactly. No one knows. The only thing concrete is what did happen. No hypotheticals will change it.
"If I stayed, we would have slept together, and she would have never forgiven herself. I was married." He's never confessed that to anyone, but it's the truth. No turning back now.
"There's that Catholic guilt again. Stabler, I get it, but you could have ended it with Kathy. You should have done it before Eli, but all kids are blessings, regardless of how they are conceived."
Elliot just nods, his voice eluding him. So much guilt, so much wasted time. Kathy would probably still be alive if he made braver choices, and he and Liv could have had a real shot.
Fin seems to read his mind because he interrupts his thoughts. "You never know where our choices are going to lead us. Liv went through hell, and maybe that would have been different if you were here, but it's over and it is what it is. Liv also found Noah- maybe that wouldn't have happened if you stayed. You just never know. All you can do is pray."
Elliot downs the last of his whiskey in one gulp, feeling every drop of the slow burn. One of the many penances he'll pay. He's become quite skilled at self-torture.
"But God's got nothing on Olivia Benson. She's our patron saint of all that's good in this world. You want to pray to anyone, pray on her altar."
"Amen to that," Elliot whispers.
"Look, I don't want to make you feel worse or stand in your way. You're thanking me for being like a brother to her, and I take that role seriously. You hurt her again, and I'm gonna kick your ass."
"Understood."
They make their way out into the crisp winter air. Before they go in separate directions to their cars, Elliot stops and sticks his hand out. "We good?"
Fin offers his hand, and once a firm handshake is established, he pulls Elliot into a hug. It's manly, lots of back patting like football players, but it's enough. The sentiment echoes into the night.
"Just remember, Stabler, Liv might be like my sister, but I've always considered you like a brother. I missed you, man. Good to have you back."
Elliot nods, teary-eyed, undeserving.
"Now, will you make Liv smile? I think I've missed that more than your ugly mug."
Elliot chuckles. "I'm going to do my best. Whatever she'll allow."
"Good answer."
Elliot gets into his car and lets out a sharp exhale. One down, several to go.