"Noah is very sweet."
Elliot looks up from his phone to smile at Kathleen's comment. Liv had just gotten home from their Christmas gathering and he was in the middle of responding to her text that she was safe and sound.
"He is. He's a ball of energy, that's for sure."
"He got along great with the boys. It was fun to watch them all together." Kathleen looks into the living room, reimagining the scene she witnessed hours earlier. From Lego towers to Mario Kart battles, to decorating cookies with Bernie for dessert- it was nonstop action and fun.
Elliot follows her gaze into the now empty room, glimmering with twinkle lights and nostalgia. It truly had been a wonderful day, despite Ayanna's news that hovered over them. The boys were the best distraction, an antidote to the painful blow delivered to their doorstep mere minutes before the Bensons' arrival.
"I'm glad the family was together. It was nice. Felt good."
Lately, he's a man of few words, still trying to piece together the right things to say in front of his children. None of this should be nice, normal, or fun. But here they all are, trying to make the best of it. Pretending that Kathy didn't die a horrifying death. Pretending that Liv and Noah belonged there, even though they had been nonexistent entities in their lives. Pretending that none of it was his fault.
It was all horseshit, but it was Christmas, after all.
Kathleen slides a full wine glass across the island, and he smiles gratefully. He loves when the house is quiet like this; when Bernie and Eli have retreated to their rooms, and it's just them. He has enjoyed rediscovering his daughter after the years apart. Reconnecting with all of his kids has been great, albeit painful at times, but Kathleen has always been his chief conspirator and kindred spirit. The one he worried about the most because of her diagnosis. The one who always seems to understand him better than he understands himself. The one who had the balls to call him out on his shit with an intervention.
He has missed her.
She takes her glass and sits across from him on the adjacent stool. "So, how old is Noah? I never asked Liv today. He looks about ten?"
"Almost nine."
"Wow, he's tall for an eight-year-old, and so well-spoken!"
Elliot laughs. "Well, he is Liv's son."
Kathleen chuckles. "True, true."
They quietly sip their wine, and Elliot can tell that Kathleen has something on her mind. He wants to question her, the decades of detective in his bones, but he's content to wait her out. She doesn't seem upset, just curious.
"Remind me, Dad, when did you retire?"
He pretends he's carefully thinking about it when the date of Jenna Fox's death has been ingrained in his soul for ten years. "May of 2011. Well, I took a leave of absence then. I put in my papers that September. Why?"
She doesn't answer right away, and he can see her wheels turning as if she's calculating something in her mind. He can see her eyes as they find the answer she was looking for, and she scrunches her face in… disappointment? Frustration? Resignation? He can't tell, and she's too quiet.
"Kathleen, what's going on in that head of yours?"
"Nothing," she stammers, "it's nothing I just…."
When he keeps his eyes fixated upon hers, she lets out a guilt-ridden sigh.
"He has your eyes."
It takes Elliot a second to figure out what the hell she is talking about, and once he gets it, his eyes widen in shock. "Kathleen! You thought-"
"Dad, I'm sorry. As soon as I saw Noah today, I saw Stabler. Blonde hair, blue eyes. My God, he fit right in. I thought I was looking at my little half-brother all day. We all did."
"What?!"
"Well, maybe not Eli, but the four of us had a group text going all afternoon. Didn't you hear Dickie audibly gasp when they walked in? Lizzie had to hit him to get him to pick his jaw up off the floor."
Elliot doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh at the absolute preposterous rumor that plagued his children all day, or cry at the fact that they all so easily thought that he cheated on their mother.
He goes with laughter.
"Katie, Noah is adopted. Liv found him on a case."
Kathleen looks at Elliot, shocked and embarrassed, before dissolving into incredulous laughter. "Oh my GOD! Well, the group chat is about to get really interesting!" She pulls out her phone to text the brood, but Elliot covers her arm with his own.
"Wait. You guys thought I all left because…" He can't say it. Can't say what they were obviously all thinking.
"Well, Dad, it was weird. She was a fixture in our lives forever, and then she was gone. We knew it was something big, but you never discussed it, and we thought that maybe… I mean, come on, Dad, it's not far-fetched."
While Kathleen is still smiling, Elliot is no longer laughing. "You thought I cheated on your mom. Slept with Liv. And what? Walked away when she got pregnant? Do you really think I'm that person? Do you all think that badly of me?"
"Dad, no, it's not like that at all. We didn't know what to think because you never talked about her. You never told us what happened. When we saw Noah, we thought it all made sense. We thought maybe Liv never told you or something."
"Oh, so now we're assassinating Liv's character."
"Dad, would you stop? No, we just… we are all adults, Dad. We know relationships are complicated. And we all know that you are in love with Liv."
He freezes, as his worst-kept secret is once again out in the open. Hearing it from his daughter is surreal, and he feels himself tumbling through reasons and excuses as his mind races. He starts with the truth.
"I loved your mom."
"We know you did. But we also know that Liv is your soulmate. Even ten years ago, you weren't fooling anyone. Is that why Mom picked Italy? To be an ocean away from Liv?"
He was always so careful to shield his kids from the hard truths of his life, but he realizes now that it's caused nothing but confusion and conspiracies.
"Katie, I left SVU because I killed a teenage girl on the job. She pulled a gun at the precinct and started shooting everyone. I killed her when she turned the gun on Liv."
He hears her strangled sob before he meets her eyes. "Oh, Dad. Oh, God. I'm so sorry."
"I was a mess, and they were going to open up a huge investigation and involve Liv, and… I killed a teenage girl. She reminded me so much of you and Mo and Lizzie. I just… couldn't stay."
The tears are falling freely now, and Kathleen is in his arms before he realizes she even left her spot at the counter. She whispers an I'm sorry mantra over and over as they embrace.
"So, you chose Italy. You wanted to be as far away from New York as possible. You ran away."
"I'm not proud of it, but I did. I couldn't let them ruin Liv's career. I couldn't let her worry about me anymore. I couldn't let her be my savior."
"Dad, does she know any of this? Have you told her?"
"We're getting there, but I don't want to scare her off. If you haven't noticed, I've been a bit of an asshole lately."
At this, their banter is back through watery eyes.
"Hmmm, haven't noticed. Not that you ghosted us off and on for months, taking on that damn undercover assignment."
"What's up with you all using the word ghosted? Now you sound like Liv."
"Well, she's always been our cool aunt."
He scrutinizes her again, a thought coming into his mind. "Kathleen, when you were calculating Liv's supposed pregnancy timeline and realized you were wrong, what was that look on your face?"
She takes a long sip of wine. "Promise you won't get mad?" When he nods in agreement, she tentatively continues. "To be honest, Dad, we were excited. I don't know, I guess we all got caught up in a mystery today. I mean, we kind of thought it would be nice to have a little Benson-Stabler running around. Kind of the best of both worlds. I've always secretly wanted Liv to be my stepmom."
He shakes his head, smiling again at how crazy his children are, but also grateful at how much they care about Liv and Noah. "Well, I'm sorry to have disappointed you by being faithful to your mom."
Kathleen smirks, then sobers at this reply. "You know, Mom wouldn't want you to be faithful to your grave. You need to enjoy life. This year has been too much- it's time to find some damn happiness, don't you think?"
"Maybe you're right, kid. I just don't want to mess anything up any more than I already have. I have a lot to atone for."
"We support you, Dad. You can still love Mom, and love Liv too. It's not a sin."
He reaches over and pats her hand. "Thanks."
"And, we'd still love to have Noah as a little brother someday." She winks at him and he laughs.
"One step at a time. But I'd like that too. Goodnight, kiddo."
Once he gets settled in the safety of his room, he grabs his phone. Maybe this is just the ice breaker they need to delve into some deep truths.
"El, hi." Her voice is melodic; she sounds content.
He's taking a risk, hoping his ridiculous but lovable children will once again make Liv smile.
"Hey. Wanna hear a story?"