It feels good to relax. Liv didn't realize how much she needed the downtime until it was thrust upon her in an impromptu dinner with Amanda. Sonny Carisi, God bless that beautiful man, offered to take all three kids out for bowling and pizza, and practically shoved the women out the door to go and de-stress. It had been a rough case, and Liv was eternally grateful for Sonny and his spontaneous uncle duties.

They walked to the cozy Mexican restaurant down the street from Liv's place, ensuring that both women could let go and have a few drinks without the worry of having to drive or Uber. They are on their second margarita, their third tiny bowl of complimentary chips and salsa, and Liv can't remember the last time they did this. Usually they are juggling favors, sometimes taking turns with each other's kids because of work or some other insanity, with no real time together other than to trade mom stories on the fly. She acknowledges this aloud, her lips feeling freer by the minute.

"Amanda, when was the last time we've gone out together?

"I think it's been over a year."

"A year?!" She laughs at how loud she sounds. "No, it has to be less than that."

"I think Fin's non-wedding, so almost a year. And that wasn't even just the two of us. We had company."

Liv blinks and sips. She remembers clearly now: she spent the majority of the evening tucked away with Elliot, while Amanda and Sonny were suspiciously nowhere to be found.

"Ah, yes," Liv muses, ignoring the Elliot implications. "That was some night for you, wasn't it?" She raises her eyebrows playfully at Amanda, watching her blush and squirm. "Was that the first night you two…?"

Amanda laughs, tucking an errand hair behind her ear. "Um, yeah,"

"Amanda, stop." She lays a hand on her forearm, sensing her nerves. "I'm so happy for you both. You didn't have to hide it from me for so long."

"I know, I just-"

"Why did you? Hide it, I mean."

"Because I still don't feel like this is real. Does that make sense? Like if I shared it, it would have turned into a dream and disappeared in front of my eyes. Do you know what I mean?"

Liv does know what she means. Another context, another world, but she knew. Sometimes I wish I didn't know, she ponders, allowing herself a moment of silent vulnerability. This last year of worry, stress, and immeasurable love for the man she thought she'd never see again had taken its toll. Although, the very thought of never seeing him again still crushes her in ways she never dreamed possible.

"I feel like I don't deserve him, Liv. Sonny is everything good and pure and wonderful in the world. Why does he want me?"

"Amanda, you can't be serious. As far as Sonny is concerned, you hung the moon and stars. He loves those girls like they're his own, and he loves you. He's been in love with you for years."

"But, isn't that crazy? He's been there every step of the way, on the sidelines while I slept with two other men and had their babies. I mean, who does that? And then sticks around, becomes 'Uncle Sonny', and treats them like they are his own. How can he look beyond all of my past decisions and still want to be with me?"

"Because he loves you." Liv shrugs. "It's that simple."

Their dinners arrive at the table, and there's amiable silence while they dig into their fajita salads. However, Liv can see thoughts brewing in Amanda's eyes. "Spill it, Rollins."

"What?"

She quirks a brow. "Amanda."

"…I could say the same to you about Stabler."

Liv rolls her eyes. "Please, don't start. I know you hate him, can we not go there tonight?"

Amanda is quiet for a beat, but she isn't backing down. She gives Liv a firm, but kind look. "I don't hate him. Liv, I really don't. In fact, I think I understand him, maybe even better than you do."

"What?"

"Let's see… Always trying to do right by everyone else and failing spectacularly. Running away from his life in order to keep people safe from him, not acknowledging his PTSD, putting you in a bubble, so afraid he's going to pop it and you're going to walk out of his life, forever. Feeling like he deserves every bit of vitriol you throw his way."

Liv internalizes her words, fingering the rim of her glass and absentmindedly placing a salty finger in her mouth.

"Face it Liv. You are Sonny, and I'm Elliot."

"Amanda, that's not true, I'm, he's-.

"In love with you. Always has been. I'm not saying he didn't love his wife, Liv. I'm saying that a cop's partner is special. That you're special. The two of you have this bond. It's indescribable to see."

"Well, apparently it wasn't enough."

"You don't really believe that, do you? Look, I'm not his biggest fan. He left, and then I got the brunt of what he left behind."

"Hey!"

"Cmon, you know it's true, Liv. It took us a long time to get our footing. and I blame him for that. However, if he didn't leave, I might not have ever worked with you. Maybe things happened the way they were supposed to, you know?"

"You have always been like a 'Sonny' to him and his family. You have loved them all unconditionally, not expecting anything in return. Although, maybe there's a small part of you that hoped…"

Liv doesn't respond. For once, she doesn't squelch it, she allows someone to spell it all out for her. Maybe that someone was always supposed to be Amanda Rollins.

"You tell me that Sonny loves me and to let myself love him back because I somehow deserve this. I know Stabler loves you and doesn't think he deserves you after everything he's put you through. Put yourself in Stabler's shoes. In my shoes. Do you know how that feels?"

Sometimes she wishes she didn't know.

She's home, soft pajamas, crisp sheets, plush pillows. Feeling more bothered than ever. She eyes her phone, biting her lip in thought.

She goes for it.

I'm glad I know, she texts him. It's cryptic and vague, but she wants to make sure he's alone and not with The Brotherhood before delving into deeper words.

The dots appear immediately. Know what, my friend?

She smiles and types before losing her nerve.

I'm glad I know how it feels to have you back in my life.

I'm glad I know your address and phone number.

I'm glad I'm getting to know your family again.

I'm glad I know you're home.

I'm glad I know you want to know my son.

I'm glad, El. Please stay.

It's the most vulnerable she's ever been in her entire life, but she's done tiptoeing around it all. She's missed him.

Her phone buzzes immediately- his incoming call. She answers, wordlessly.

"Olivia Benson, when I said that I love you, I meant every word. I love you as my partner, as my best friend, and whatever else you'll allow me to be. I've missed you so damn much, and I'm not going anywhere. Ever. You hear me?"

She smiles into the phone and exhales a relieved sigh. "Will you join us for lunch tomorrow? Officially meet Noah?"

"I thought you'd never ask."