"I feel like I held you back."

"I'm sorry… what?"

The night began fine. More than fine.

They've been talking- quick morning texts, late-night chats, even Facetime sessions during dinnertime with Noah- and the conversations have been comfortable. Maybe a bit careful, neither diving too deep into unfamiliar territory, but friendly and sincere. Their pieces are mending slowly, and they can share laughs or talk shop without feeling the vastness of lost time. There's a promise to their communication now: the knowledge of an end-in-sight and a new beginning emerging from his impending return.

Elliot will be home soon, weeks whittled down to days now that the case is (close to) wrapped up, and the possibilities aren't so paralyzing anymore. There's hope beyond this distance, a life to explore together, a relationship kindled. She's excited.

Which is why she's even surprised herself with the clipped tone of her voice, a statement barked out in the echoes of her bedroom as she gazes at the serenity candle she lit in anticipation of a settled, relaxing evening.

"I had lunch with Cragen today, and he assumed you had filled me in about your time in Europe. I didn't correct him- I guess curiosity got the best of me- and he went on and on like a proud dad about your private security career and time as the NYPD liaison in Rome."

"Liv," he interjects softly, but she persists.

"And it got me thinking… you lived this whole other life, this exciting, fulfilling life, without me. A second chance- a fresh start. If you would have stayed-" She catches herself and shakes her head, frowning in the shadows.

"If I would have stayed… what? Finish it, Liv. What?"

"It would have destroyed you. I know you stayed longer than you should have because of me."

The silence lingers, stretches over the miles, and she feels the emotional distance settle between them. It's a feeling she tries to avoid, remembering all the wrong moments- the ones that make her question what they were to one another, examining the fractures in their partnership that remind her that they were too close back then, too dependent. Too much.

If she heard his voice, she wouldn't have been able to leave, either.

She hears him sigh and envisions him running his hand down his face as he crafts a response, maybe scratching the stubble he's grown back that she mentioned looked good on him during their last video chat.

"Olivia, you grounded me: kept me sane and solid, and that was never your responsibility. I put too much on you towards the end. I mean, if we want to debate who held who back, I think I win that contest, Captain."

Now it's her turn to try to stop him, but her objection is half-hearted. She barely gets his name out before he dives in for more.

"The security job was a job. That's it. It paid well, but it was frustrating and isolating most of the time. Yeah, I jet-setted to exotic places, but it was to babysit billionaires' brats while they played pickleball."

She snorts before sobering, her intent to continue the seriousness of the conversation winning over the lightheartedness Elliot tried to infuse. "Kathy was happy."

He hums in agreement. "Yes, she was."

"You were happy too. You're allowed to admit that- it's not a crime. You don't have to make it sound like it was torture. I wanted you to be happy and safe."

"I wasn't unhappy, but it wasn't the same. I missed home."

"You lived in New York your whole life. That couldn't have been easy."

"Not New York, Liv. You."

She stiffens, unsure if she'll ever get used to these moments. Words that feel unwarranted, undeserved. Heady and heavy. Too much.

"Liv, you have to know that. Right? You know that you made me better in so many ways. You're my best friend. My partner. And in return, I was so shitty. I have so many regrets."

She digests his confession, statements she's known but longed to hear. Confirmation that they were real, then, and they're real now. And she knows that she's done rehashing the past.

"I don't want to talk about regrets anymore, El. I want to move forward."

"Good. No more holding back, okay?"

"Deal. Partner."

She hears his relieved chuckle, and she feels the same. Another step forward, another difficult moment conquered.

"Does this mean I can finally take you and Noah to lunch when I get back?"

She grins, watching the candle flicker, catching her reflection in the mirror. She likes that she's smiling and likes this feeling of contentment. Likes the gentle teasing and quiet flirtation in his rumbled voice. She thumbs the compass adorning her collarbone, a talisman guiding their path, leading her home.

"We would love that."

And it's not too much at all. ️