It's a visit to Bernie that wrecks her.
Olivia's been checking up on her in Elliot's absence, taking her lunch break when she can to visit. Bernie's settling into her new home, an assisted-living facility that actually matches what the brochure promised, and she seemed happy and lucid, comfortable in this new environment. Olivia felt content walking arm-in-arm around the gorgeous property as Bernie enlightened her about the dramas unfolding amongst the residents. Who knew that a home for senior citizens was as salacious as an episode of The Real Housewives ? Olivia chuckled and gasped at all the right moments, feeling like someone's daughter, perhaps for the first time.
They paused to marvel at a beautiful garden when Bernie delivered her gut-wrenching question.
"Will you ever forgive him, Olivia?"
Olivia's eyes widened in shock at the frankness of her question before recovering quickly, appeasingly."There's nothing to forgive," she assured quietly. "Everything is fine."
"Bullshit." Heat laced beneath the word as Bernie leaned forward to fiddle with a heavy-leaning hydrangea bloom. With her eyes still on the plant, she kept her voice calm but firm. "I know you're hurt. I know my son abandoned you for ten years and missed so much of your life. But I can't bear to see Elliot suffer more than he already has."
Olivia bristled and deflected. "I know Kathy's death has been so hard on him. On everyone."
"Yes, but that's not what I'm talking about, and you know it. Of course, he's upset about losing Kathy, guilt-ridden over the circumstances. He never wanted either of you to suffer from his decisions, yet you both did. And after all that he sacrificed, everything he gave up, it didn't matter. I think he'll regret it forever."
"Regret what?"
"Leaving. What good did it do?"
Olivia wondered that for years.
Bernie reached out to grab her hand, extending the olive branch in this difficult conversation, and Olivia took it gratefully as they meandered down the path. She knew Bernie wasn't finished- feeling like someone's daughter meant the occasional lecture for your own good, although Olivia wasn't sure what good this particular speech would do.
"The minute I met you, I knew my son loved you."
Quietly, Olivia admitted her most vulnerable, sacred truth. "I love him too."
Bernie continued as if this declaration wasn't a surprise. "But it's not enough."
"No. He left me once, Bernie, and I understood, I did. But I'm not over it. When I see him now, I miss it- I miss us. But it could never be what it was- we can't go back."
"Couldn't it be more now? Take out the guilt, the fear, Kathy, the kids. Do you want more?"
"It doesn't matter what I want. I don't think I can ever be what Elliot needs . You're right- he needs me to forgive him. I know he needs that absolution, and I'm not sure I ever fully can."
Bernie gestured to the bench ahead, removing herself from Olivia's grasp and sitting, absorbing her words meticulously before speaking.
"I'm going to ask you for a favor, from one mother to another. If forgiveness isn't an option, please let him go. I need him to be happy, Olivia. I know your honesty would crush him, but then he could eventually move on."
"Bernie," Olivia stammered, "he's not mine to let go."
"Olivia, when will you understand your importance? You're his compass."
"What?"
"You're his true north-his guidepost. You've kept him grounded, even after he left. He hung onto your memory for dear life."
"I was right here the whole time, Bernie. If he cared enough about the memory of me…" She trailed off, unwilling to revisit her emptiness.
"Would you want this life for Noah? When he tries and fails in life, do you want him constantly searching to right all his wrongs? Or would you want him to find peace?"
And that's what forces the breath from Olivia's lungs.
She's seen Elliot as a father, husband, and detective. Her partner. She's even seen him as a son. But she's never seen him as a mirror image of Noah. She's never seen him from Bernie's eyes, and now that's all she can see: Elliot's pain, hurt, and sorrow. Everything he's sacrificed- walked away from and lost. All the times he's tried, and all the times he's failed. And now, she wanted to wrap her arms around him and never let go.
She thought of Noah, growing into a young man before her eyes, and realized she'd been raising him under Elliot's influence, teaching Noah about truthfulness, justice, and love for family. Forgiveness . She hugged herself, arms wrapped tightly around her rib cage, lest it burst wide open with unfurled emotion. The parallels of these two pillars in her life, her partner and her son, slammed into her fiercely, awash in memories and nostalgia.
"What if happiness isn't about forgiveness, Olivia? What if it's about hope?"
Olivia smiled through the tears brimming on her lids and joined Bernie on the bench, threading a hand through hers again. "You know, from one mom to another, you're pretty amazing."