Now lying in bed, wallowing in sorrow.
Wake up Dean.
Wake the fuck up.
I know you hear me.
I know you feel me.
You can't bury me.
You can't kill me.
You can't burn the photographs.
You can't burn the memories.
You can't sift your fingers through the ashes and decide what you can keep.
Wake up!
You can't replace me.
You can try and try and try again.
You can't pretend.
You can't forget.
You can't!
Wake up!
There will always be something to bring it back.
Something will always happen.
I will grow louder.
I will grow stronger.
Wake up!
You are my worthless puppet.
These are my worthless strings.
No matter how far you run, the strings will run out.
Wake up!
My hands pull you up.
My hands decide what you do.
You are nothing without me!
You will be nothing without me!
You're fucking tethered to me!
And only me goddammit!
Wake up!
Rebecca can't change that.
Nikki can't change that.
You can't fucking change that!
Wake up!
They can't replace me.
You can't replace me!
Wake up!
I am in your reflection!
Wake up!
I am in your shadow!
Wake up!
I am in the words you say!
Wake up!
I am in every emotion you feel!
Wake up!
I am never gone.
I am always there Dean.
You can never get far enough.
You can't escape these walls.
You can't build more to hide behind.
Wake up!
What does it feel like?
To be someone you aren't?
To only be half of what and who you are?
Wake up!
Nothing can complete you.
Nothing will complete you.
You don't deserve to be complete.
Wake up!
Because of me.
Because of you.
Because I love you Dean.
Wake up!
"Hey Dean."
"Hey Nikki."
"Whoa buddy, you aren't sounding too good."
"I slept like shit last night, I'm sorry."
"No no, don't apologize. What's wrong?"
"It…I just couldn't fall asleep. No matter what I did."
"Oh, okay. I just wanted to chat for a bit before the stream started, you alright?"
"Yeah, yeah. I think I'm okay."
"You sure?"
"Yeah…yeah."
"Nah, not this time. Listen, maybe try taking a nap now. You don't go back to work until tomorrow right?"
"Yeah. Becky's coloring the sample today, it'll be ready for tomorrow."
"Cool, it's your last chance to take it easy then. Go lie down and see if you can take a nap, okay?"
"…okay."
"Okay. Call me in a little bit."
"Okay."
"Okay, talk to you later Dean."
"Bye."
…
…
Little did she know she was the only thing helping.
I could still see the sun.
I could still hear the traffic.
But as I tried forcing my eyes shut, I could feel that voice crawl out from my ears.
Dry fingers stretching my head apart.
Drinks or painkillers didn't help.
I couldn't ignore it, I couldn't get over it.
But my body couldn't keep up, it started shutting down.
I wanted to sleep, I wanted to escape from it.
But over and over again, the voice kept dragging me out from behind my eyes.
Then as I sunk deeper and deeper, eventually I was too far down for it keep me above the surface.
So instead, it gripped onto me and sunk with me.
I could feel myself land on something.
Wet, but solid enough to stand on.
It felt like my eyes were open, but I could still see nothing.
It felt like I could move, but I couldn't feel my limbs.
Somewhere, I could hear a drop of water.
That drop echoed in reverse, getting louder and louder as it buzzed towards me.
I thought I could hear the noise behind me, but I didn't know how to turn myself around.
I focused on the noise in my ear, using it to steer my attention.
As the noise was louder on my right side, I tried to tense my right ear.
The noise traveled across my brain, then becoming louder on my left.
I shifted my attention to the left, concentrating and aiming on the noise.
It was in front of me, but it was bouncing back and forth.
Using my ears, I locked onto it. I couldn't see it, feel it, or tell what it was.
But it was right there, if I could just control my arms that I weren't sure were even there, I could reach it.
But then in that last moment, the noise was still.
Buzzing louder than it ever was before.
It felt like it was now looming over me, like a building about to collapse.
And with what felt like a blink, it appeared.
The noise died down, the feelings and sensations condensed into one solid shape.
In this dark void, without opening my eyes, I could see it.
It was a door.
Faded, and scratched.
Wrapped in chains and locks.
But gathered at the foot of the door were a couple of other locks and bundles of rusted chains. Already undone.
I could feel what seemed like a step forward.
My legs and feet feeling like stilts, floating on water.
As I slowly waded towards it, I can see around the door.
There was nothing behind it except another infinite void.
The remaining chains were wrapped completely around the door, sealing it from all sides.
There I stood, a couple inches away from it.
I reached towards it, my hand and arms wafting through the thick air.
But as my distant fingertips tapped the wood, the chains rattled.
The locks swayed and pelted against the door.
And then with an erupting thud, the door jutted out towards me, sending me back a few slow steps.
A couple more vicious thuds followed later, each seemingly an explosion the door holding back.
The chains did not give way, suppressing every attempt.
But as every thud began to escalate, slamming against the door more and more rapidly, a familiar hum began to seep out between the cracks.
The hum began to ring, and ring, and ring.
The ringing became a screech, peeling away my ears.
And as the screech scratched and clawed its way inside again, even deeper, I could feel it speak.
As if I became one with it.
Using my own mouth, it roared.
Dean!
The door settled down, a low growl leaking from beneath it.
Dean.
Dean.
There was no hum or ring, no ache or pains.
But what felt like my heart felt small and inadequate, unprepared to finally confront…whatever this was.
As I spoke, my own voice and words felt like thick slugs.
Crawling out from my throat, slick and oozing.
"Who…are you?"
You know.
"No, I don't. Who are you? Why have you been doing this to-"
Why are you lying to me?!
Their words echoing out all around me.
"I'm not lying! I don't know what the fuck-"
You've always known! Stop fucking pretending!
"Why the fuck would I pretend!? Whatever you are, I am done with you-"
Because you feel safe! Because you think if you can't see it, that means it isn't there!
"What is it?! What is going on?!"
It's in front of you Dean! Just like before, just like now, just like it always be.
"What the…the door?"
Yes, the door Dean.
"Well what the hell is it? What's behind it?"
You know Dean.
"I don't."
Why won't you believe me?
"What? Believe me- why should I even believe you?"
You're fucking pathetic.
"Call me whatever the fuck you want, that doesn't make any of this make sense."
What makes you think something is behind it?
"What?"
You want to know what's behind the door, but how do you know there is anything there?
"Because…something was-"
Trying to get out?
"…yeah."
Then why are you unlocking it?
"What?"
You've unlocked those damn chains Dean. You've unlocked every one. One by fucking one.
"No I haven't."
You did.
"No I…I…j-just who are you? Tell me already!"
And then, with a blunt sheer of metal, one of the few remaining locks became undone.
Unlatching itself from the chains, the links rattling down to the floor.
"What the-"
Told you.
"No. No no. No, that wasn't me!"
You're the only one here Dean.
"You're here too! Whatever the fuck you are-"
Ha, you finally acknowledged me.
And just like that, another lock collapsed to the floor.
"Stop it! What's behind the fucking door!?"
Keep at it Dean, you'll find out soon enough.
"I don't want to! Just tell me who you are and let me go! Why are you doing this? Why is this happening?!"
You know.
"I fucking don't! How many times do I have to fucking tell you!"
You know! You just don't want to!
"What I want is for you to leave me alone! You've been torturing me for weeks now, and for what?! What did I do to you?"
You know. Dean, you know everything.
"….I don't."
Why do you think this is happening?
"…I don't…fucking know."
Guess goddammit! Think for once in your fucking life!
"I….I…"
Come on you disgusting waste. Think.
"Does….this didn't start until Becky-"
Rebecca!
"Wha-no. It was….it was…"
It was Rebecca!
"B-but…it happens with Nikki too-"
Slut!
"No. No, don't you fucking dare call her that."
Whore!
"Stop it!"
They're all whores Dean. Both of them. All of them. Every single one.
"No they're not! What's it to you?"
What's it to you?!
"…what?"
Why do you care about them?!
"Why? Why?! Because they are my friends! What stupid fucking question is that?"
You seriously think Rebecca is your friend? You think Nikki is your friend?
"I know so. Nothing you say can make me unsure of that!"
The little tramp jumping on your lap?! The same one you held and squeezed and who you stripped down to her fucking underwear? She's your friend?!
"…yes."
You think friends do that?
"…I don't care. There isn't rules to this."
The lazy underachieving slut. The one who gave up on life because she wasn't good enough for one guy?! The one who doesn't know how to show affection besides showing off herself and offering her body to you? She's your friend too?!
"Yes! Why is that so hard to believe?"
They are worthless!
"Oh what, so just like me then. Huh?! Since you've been calling me worthless since day one?"
They don't matter!
"Yes they do! I don't care who they are and what they've done, they matter to me!"
Then why didn't I matter to you Dean?
"You did matter to me!
…
…
H-huh?"
That final sentence.
That final line.
It's not what I meant to say.
I wanted to call out, and ask who they were.
Why they should or shouldn't matter.
But instead, what felt like my jaw and my tongue felt like mechanical pieces.
Sharp edges and joints, gears and belts, manufacturing a precise combination of words.
The words scraped the roof of my mouth as they went out, leaving behind a trail of a sharp pain.
The pain the first real sensation I've felt this whole time.
A quick moment of the oddest clarity, allowing me to realize I did believe those words.
They weren't what I wanted to say, I still needed to ask the questions.
But yet….I believed them.
Whoever they were…they did matter to me.
I continued to float in the void, pondering what just happened.
But my thoughts were shifted as I could hear the door rattle again.
At the top of the door, one of the final three lock and chains remained.
This chain was brown with a thick rust, the lock dark and deteriorated.
The chain jerked and stretched erratically, clouds of red dust sprinkling the door and the ground around it.
The loop of the lock askew, being stretched and strained as the chain attempted to pull it apart.
Every few seconds, a loud and dull metallic thunk would echo around me.
The lock was barely holding, the weak and rotted metal beginning to fail more and more.
With one more quick snap, the lock cracking down the middle, I braced myself.
Hiding behind what felt like my wrists, as I could feel and hear the metal finally give way.
Shattered bits of the chain and lock whizzed past my head.
I kept hiding behind my arms, waiting for the shrapnel to end.
As the final few pieces chattered to the floor, all was still and silent again.
I slowly lowered what felt like my arms, peeking at the door.
What was once faded and chipped, was now pure white and new.
There were still two locks and chains, both shining and silver.
But the door behind them seemed perfect and untouched.
And from the cracks between the door and the frame, a weak array of colorful lights shone through.
A transitioning pattern of reds, greens, and blues.
And with every shift in color, a thump of bass crawled out too.
In between the colors and thumps, other noises occupied the spaces in between.
It was…music.
The door seemed to be inching closer to me, like it was smoothly being dragged towards me.
The closer it got, the louder the muffled music became.
And as it got closer and louder, the muffled sounds felt familiar.
"Is that…I know that song."
And as the words overflowed out of what felt like my mouth, the door rushed me.
Wake up!