When someone else fucked her, then I walked away.
"Umm…h-hey Dean."
"Oh, hey Nikki."
"What's…uh…what's up?"
"I didn't mean for you to end the stream early Nikki, I'm sorry."
"No no, it's fine. I…I figured something's wrong. I mean…for you to donate to my stream, something has to be wrong. Right?"
"Well…yeah. B-but I feel really bad now, I know it's too late and-"
"Shh shh shh. It's alright, it's alright. Just tell me what's going on."
"So. It seems like there's only one lock left?"
"Yeah."
"And what, these hallucinations are so bad they seem like they are physically there?"
"Yeah."
"And you aren't taking schizo pills yet because?"
"…everything got so much worse so quickly Nikki. I promise tomorrow after work I'll schedule something."
"You know I wanna help Dean. But like…this shit is terrible. The shadows and pain and whatnot."
"Yeah."
"I really don't know what else I could do. All I could really offer is to just keep talking about it with you."
"No no no. No more."
"No more? Why?"
"Because….everytime I talk about it…it seems to keep…getting worse."
"Okay, I get that. But Dean, let's say this door and these locks really are there, what's gonna happen if it opens?"
"I don't know. I have no idea, even though I'm supposed to apparently."
"Well, I mean…maybe you should."
"What?"
"Like…Dean let's be real. I believe you Dean, I do. I really believe you are having these visions and having these headaches. But if this 'door' opens, what could possibly happen?"
"I…I…"
"It's not like it's gonna release some monster, monsters aren't real. It's not like it's gonna unleash some curse or something, because curses aren't real."
"I know."
"And what else, like, a heart attack or something. 'Unlocking this door' won't literally be the death of you. It might hurt and might be something scary, but I doubt you have that much of an intuitive subconscious."
"…yeah, I guess."
"You're healthy, right?"
"Yeah."
"So yeah, like I said. Maybe just maybe you should unlock it on purpose. Just to figure it out and get it done and over with."
"You really think so?"
"It's an option Dean."
"You're right."
"I know."
"….thanks Nikki."
"You're welcome Dean."
"And I'm sorry to bother you again, but I knew you'd be the only person that could calm me down."
"You don't need to be sorry silly. You should know better than to apologize for that."
"Yeah, I should."
"So you're feeling better now?"
"Oh yeah, much better. Nowadays the only time I don't have a headache is when I'm talking to you."
"Aww. Really?"
"….yeah."
"Dean, what was that shy little 'yeah' for?"
"Uh…."
"Dean, you just saw me in the middle of a stream. You little freak, what's there to be shy about?"
"Uh…well…"
"Uh-huh. Hey, is it cool if we do a video call?"
"What?"
"Video call. Is that cool?"
"Uh…sure."
"This isn't too much, right?"
"Uh…no you're good."
"You sure? I know it's only a sports bra and could throw another shirt on but I'm honestly so hot after the stream I-"
"It's alright."
"Cool, thanks. So. What did you think?"
"Think of what?"
"The stream dummy."
"Oh…uh…honestly…I tried not to-"
"Bullshit."
"What? No no, I mean like…I did see some, I had to. But-"
"Bullshit."
"What do you mean bullshit?"
"Since you were those last few donations, I know what I was doing and what I was saying. The fact that you knew I wasn't acknowledging you means you were watching and listening to me."
"Okay, alright…but-"
"Dean, we aren't establishing here whether or not I know you were watching. I know that. I'm just asking what you thought of it. What little you did see of it."
"Okay…uh…it was good?"
"Come on."
"I…I'm not an expert reviewer of this stuff Nikki."
"You don't need to be. Were you turned on?"
"Guh-"
"Oops, caught you in a sip of water again."
"Guh…God damn…mm-hmm. Uh, okay, sorry about that. Where were we?"
"Dean."
"Alright, alright, look. I was in a super bad spot. I was terrified and in good amount of pain so…no I wasn't..er…turned on."
"Oh. Okay."
"No no, please. Don't take that wrong way Nikki, I'm sorry."
"No no, it's okay. I get it, you were right. I know you weren't really focusing on it."
"But I can see that look in your eyes, I know you're disappointed. I'm sorry."
"I mean…I'll be honest, yeah I am. A little. But it's fine, really."
"I'm not trying to bum you out Nikki, I swear. But if you don't mind me asking, how come…it seems so important for me to watch your stream? Like, really watch it."
"Well like, it's what I do Dean. It'd be nice knowing if someone like you thought I was doing a good job."
"Someone like me? I doubt I'm the only single virgin dude in your streams Nikki."
"I don't mean that Dean, I mean you. You. I want…Dean to like my stream."
"Oh…"
"I don't care what random strangers think, I just care if they tip or not. But you're like, the only one I want to…I don't know….impress?"
"Impress? You want to impress me?"
"….yeah. I guess."
"Well…with…what you were doing?"
"I don't really have anything else Dean."
"But…you do."
"I do?"
"Yes Nikki. You've been…such a wonder to me this whole time."
"…really?"
"Yes, dead serious. If it wasn't for your help and your amazing talent to just…Fuck, just seem to know exactly what to do no matter what…I…I…you've never stopped impressing me."
"…really?"
"First its the story, then it the characters, then it's…just how to live and how to deal with whatever the fuck is going on with me. You've basically solved every problem I've had Nikki."
"…Dean."
"It's why I was so desperate to get your attention, so willing to do what I did. If I need anything, I know I need to go to you because…I know you can help."
"…damn Dean."
"I know I'm awkward and dumb and just not mature enough at times, but that doesn't change the fact how much I value you and who you are and what you do for me. You are so much more to me than your streams and what you do on them."
"…"
"Nikki?"
"…"
"Nikki? Are you there?"
"Y-yeah…I'm…i'm here Dean."
"You okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. Just…just…"
"Just what?"
"I'm just… at a loss I guess."
"A loss? Loss for what?"
"I…I don't…"
"Look, I'll tell you what. If you really want to, I'll watch a stream. I'll give it my full attention and-"
"No no no, that's not it at all."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, it's just…it's been a long time since someone…"
"…cared about you?"
"Yeah…yeah…"
"You know, you can cry if you want Nikki."
"N-no…I'm…i'm…"
"It's okay."
"…"
"It's okay."
"Like…I know I'm one to talk but…it's been so long Dean. I haven't…felt like a human being in so fucking long."
"I hear you."
"And I just can't really comprehend anymore what it's like…to be…"
"Wanted?"
"…yeah. Yeah. It just constantly makes me feel like I'm not good enough for anything or anyone."
"I know exactly what that feels like Nikki."
"And I can try to hide behind that stupid logic of 'I don't care anyone what anyone thinks' all I want but for fucks sake I just want someone to care."
"Right."
"And…when you don't watch the streams…don't react to me…"
"It doesn't seem like I care, does it?"
"…no. It makes me you know you do."
"…I do care Nikki."
"…I know."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Hey Nikki?"
"Yeah?"
"Um…can I ask… a random question?"
"Ofcourse."
"If…you were here. Or…I was there. Um…"
"Yeah?"
"What…um…what…would you…"
"Yeah?"
"Would you wanna…do?"
"Hm?"
"What would you like…want to do?"
"If you were here?"
"Yeah."
"Um…honestly?"
"Yeah, honestly."
"Well…you know…I'd really like it if…um…y-you go first Dean."
"Huh?"
"You go first."
"But I asked you."
"Now I'm asking you."
"Okay…um…if I'm being serious…"
"Yeah?"
"These headaches have been killing me recently so, I know it seems weird but…I'd really like it if someone would just rub my head."
"That's not weird at all Dean. I'd gladly do it if you were here."
"And…"
"And?"
"…I've always wanted to…try…"
"…yes?"
"I've…never…laid…down in a girl's lap before."
"…aww."
"So, yeah. Uh…"
"You wanna lie down in my lap while I rub your head?"
"…yeah."
"Dean, I'd love to. Don't think it's weird."
"Okay, okay. Now come on, your turn."
"Shit, okay. Uh…"
"Are you just not sure or what?"
"No, no. I know what I want but…"
"But?"
"I dunno, it's cringey."
"Come on man, of all things it's cringey?"
"I mean, yeah. A little."
"Cringier than a lap pillow?"
"Yes."
"Bullshit."
"Alright, alright. I just…wanna be the little spoon."
"The little what?"
"Little spoon. I want to cuddle but, be the one getting cuddled. You know."
"Oh oh oh, I got'cha."
"Yeah, that'd be real nice."
"Have you never been the little spoon before?"
"No. Actually no."
"…seriously?"
"Yeah. Back when I was with that asshole, we never cuddled. I couldn't keep him off of me, but just holding me softly is just…something he never did. He was either on top of me, below me, or sleeping far away."
"Damn Nikki. I'm sorry."
"Yeah. It's always been my little fantasy too. It's so weird to think my life has been so full of sex but none of the…I don't know the right word, romance?"
"You're asking me?"
"Haha, come on Dean."
"Yeah, yeah. I'd say romance is the right word."
"Cool."
"So you think being the little spoon is cringey?"
"I…I don't know. Not really I guess, but…it's…selfish?"
"Selfish? What's selfish about being the little spoon?"
"Well like, the big spoon gets nothing out of it. Only the little spoon gets comforted. And man, we gotta stop saying spoon."
"I know I'm not an expert or nothing, but can I throw my two cents in?"
"Of course Dean. What's up?"
"Personally, I don't think being the little spoon is being selfish at all."
"Oh yeah, and why's that?"
"Well, I can't speak for everybody. But if you were the little spoon, and let's just say hypothetically I was the big spoon…"
"Yeeeeeah?"
"Well…that means…I get…to hold you."
"…"
"And…in that case…I definitely get a lot out of it."
"…"
"…"
"…Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"…can I come over tomorrow?"