The Expert: Re-Connected Chapter 24, a huniepop fanfic

"H-hey Dawn. It's…it's me.

I…brought you some more flowers.

They were out of the tulips you like, so they gave me these lilies and roses instead.

I hope that's okay.

It's…uh…it's been a couple weeks now.

I know you hate it, but I still can't help but cry sometimes.

When I go into a room, and you aren't there.

When I check my phone, and there's no texts from you.

I still get…so sad every time I remember you aren't here.

And then when I remember you… I remember what I did.

I remember i'm the reason why you aren't here…

Everyone keeps telling me it wasn't my fault…

That I did all I could…

They tell me there was nothing I could have done.

But…but…you were right.

They don't understand.

None of them were there, none of them would understand anything.

Just like you said.

They even forced me to talk to someone.

But she just keeps asking me all these stupid questions, she just keeps trying to make me think nothing was my fault.

I don't know who told her, but she keeps telling me I shouldn't miss you because of what happened.

She wasn't there Dawny.

None of them were.

They weren't there for any of it.

But I can't get rid of them without you.

I'm not brave enough to get them to go away without you.

I don't know why they can't just let me miss you.

Why they hate me for loving you.

Why they think I'm wrong…for mourning you.

You…you wouldn't believe the things they say.

How you were horrible, how you were a monster.

How you ruined my life, how you treated me like shit.

But look at me now Dawny, look at me now without you.

I'm nothing…I feel like nothing…

I'm so empty…I'm so…

God….why Dawn…why?

I'm not mad…I'm not…

I'm not mad about the party.

You were allowed to do whatever you wanted, I know that.

I'm not mad about…about….him.

Not…anymore.

I know…I wasn't good enough for you.

You were so patient, you were so forgiving.

But I made you wait…I didn't give you what you needed…

You had needs, we all do.

I don't blame you for finding someone that could give you what I couldn't.

You deserved everything you needed…everything you wanted.

I'm just….i'm mad…about the candle.

I…got you that candle for your birthday.

It had a picture of us…it was pine scented…it was our favorite kind.

You…lit it…when you were with him.

When you were…

…

I just wished you saved it for us.

And I'm mad because…if you did…it wouldn't have started the fire.

I'm mad…I could smell it in the room…

I could smell it when I could hear you two…

B-but….that's okay. I'm not mad anymore.

I know I shouldn't have been mad in the first place.

You would have reminded me I wasn't allowed to be mad.

It was just a candle.

Just…a dumb fucking candle.

A dumb fucking candle…

You put on the dresser… next to the bed.

That you shook closer to the window…while…you were…

…

A dumb fucking candle…that lit the curtains on fire…

…

I just wanted to take you home Dawn.

People were making fun of you at the party.

They kept trying to make me leave you.

I couldn't take it anymore…

I just wanted to find you and take you home…

And when I opened the door…and saw you…I should have seen the candle was too close…

I…I shouldn't have ran away…

You were right, I was a coward. I always was.

I should have seen the flames sooner…I should have fucking smelt the house burning…I should have heard the screams…

But I tried Dawny….I did…

I tried running inside…I could hear you…

But they wouldn't let me….they held me back…

I….I could see your hand reaching out…God Dawny I'm so sorry…

I am so fucking sorry…

I killed you Dawn…I killed you…

You're dead because of me…

You're dead because I wasn't good enough…

You're dead because of my candle…

You're dead because I wasn't strong or brave enough…

It's all my fault…it's all my fucking fault Dawny…please forgive me…

Please….forgive me…

…

…wh-what am I doing?

…wh-what am I saying?

…

This…this isn't…

…no.

No….this isn't…my fault.

…they're right…

…wait, no…

….

Gah!

Fuck!

What the fuck am I doing here?!

Why does this fucking hurt so much!?

Why am I grieving you?!

I'm happy you're dead!

I'm free now!

I hope you fucking rot you fucking…bitch!

…

…but I don't want to be alone…

…I can't be alone…

…

…you treated me like dirt…

…but you were always there…

You'd let me sleep on your lap….you'd hold me…

…but you'd grind me into dust…

…why?

Why?

Why!?

Why did you do that to me?!

Why would you tell me you loved me?!

When in the next breath you'd call me pathetic!

Worthless!

What was the point of belonging to you if I was nothing!?

What was the fucking point in keeping me!?

Not letting me make other friends!?

Why did you have to be the only person in my fucking life if you hated me so much!?

…

Why!?

…

…why?

…

…I wasn't allowed to talk to other girls…

…you convinced me I didn't need to…

You convinced me they were all whores and no good…

…

…and then you go and you fuck some other guy…

…

…while I was there…

…and you had the gall to tell me it was my fault…

…

…it was my fault?! My fault?!

I didn't spread your fucking legs!

I didn't shove him into you!

I didn't….I d-didn't….

…

…I hope you two are happy…

…I hope he's inside of you right now…

…and I hope you're fucking burning…screaming…together…

…

…what is happening to me?

…

…why am I saying these things?

…

…these things feel so true…

…

…but I still miss you Dawn…

…fuck…

…I feel like I hate you…I've hated you ever since I've known you…

…but I hate it more when you're not here…I hate it more without you…

…I hate…myself…most of all…

…

…I don't know what to do Dawny…

…I don't know…

…what do I do…

…they want me to move on…

…forget about you…

…but I don't know what to feel without you.

Without you, there's nothing for me to feel anymore.

I can't love someone else, I can't hate anyone else.

All I know is what you made me feel…

I can't forget all that…

…I exist because of you…

…I am who I am because of you…

…I want to cry and mourn and have you here but I want to fucking spit on this fucking grave too…

…

…what do I do?

…you'll always be there…

…no matter how hard I try to forget…

…forgetting you would make this hurt so much less…

…I don't want to feel nothing but I don't want to hurt so much either.

…I just want you gone.

From my mind.

From my memory.

Gone. Completely.

I want to just forget you ever existed.

Forget everything you ever said to me.

Every time you touched me.

Every single fucking way you ever hurt me.

And then maybe…maybe I can move on.

Maybe I can be whoever the fuck I want to be…not you or anyone else.

If…I could just…lock you away…

Put everything I know and remember about you behind a door…and some fucking lock and chains…and throw away the goddamn key…

Maybe everything would be better.

…maybe it'll stop hurting…

…maybe…

…

H-huh?

…

Where am I?

Is..is this a grave?

…

…who is Dawn?"

"Hello Dean, this is Amy. Just trying to reach you again.

It is currently four o'clock on Wednesday, and since I still haven't heard from you, I'm going to assume you are missing today's session as well.

This would make your third session missed in a row, and I have to admit I am a little concerned Dean.

The one or two sessions we had I understand you felt were held against your will, but I assure you your family and I had the best intentions for you.

We all grieve in our own ways Dean, but sometimes our grief can cause more destructive behaviors than those that-"

"Delete. Man, I wish this fucking lady would stop calling me. I don't know how she got my number or why she hasn't realized I'm the wrong Dean yet. I've never seen a therapist before in my life. As a matter of fact, let me block her. She's annoying the hell out of me."

"Hi Dean, it's Mom again.

Just wanted to call you and see if hopefully you were ready to talk to us again.

We want to give you space, but we don't know why you left without saying goodbye.

We are so happy you are finally moving towards your dream of working on comics, but that doesn't mean you need to drop contact and stop-"

"Delete. Geez, I don't know what her problem is. She keeps saying 'finally' as if I haven't been trying to get this job for years now.

Maybe I would have said goodbye if they didn't treat me like some psycho with a short fuse all of a sudden.

'Oh Dean, are you okay?'

And 'Dean are you sure you are ready for this?'

Like, I'm not some fucking teenager anymore, what the fuck was that treatment for?"

-Dean, it's Dad. If you aren't gonna answer your phone for any of us, I'm trying this next.

I don't know why you blew up on us when all we did was try and support you. You aren't in a good place right now, and I'm sick of you denying it.

I'm not gonna talk to you like some stupid therapist, i'm gonna be real with you. And you really need to get your head out of your ass.

You know damn well what we mean when we bring up Dawn, and you lying and acting like we are the crazy ones is beyond disrespectful and disgusting after everything she put you and us through.

Do you have any idea-

"Delete. What an asshole.

That's his favorite phrase 'do you have any idea.'

I move out and land a dream job, and none of them congratulate me. Not a single one of them.

Instead they just freak out about whoever the fuck Dawn is and think I'm not good enough.

Un-fucking-believable."

"Hello?"

"Oh holy…D-Dean?"

"Yeah Molly, what's up?"

"Um…h-hi Dean."

"Look, I'm really busy. I'm sorry, but what is it?"

"Oh…uh…n-nothing just…"

"Molly, can I call you back?"

"No no, please."

"Then come on, what is it?"

"Dean…Dean it's been like three years…"

"And it's been a really busy three years Molly."

"…why did you never respond? To anything?"

"Molly, you know why. You guys are the ones that flipped out on me, literally all of you turned on me like I was crazy."

"…b-because…"

"Really? You're gonna start this again?"

"No no…I just…just…"

"Molly, I'm gonna hang up in three seconds."

"God…fine, I'm graduating in a week."

"And?"

"And? And?"

"Yeah, and?"

"And I really wish my big brother would come see me graduate."

"Jesus, Molly come on. I can't just drop everything and-"

"You really don't care about us anymore, do you?"

"What?"

"You really don't want to talk or see us ever again?"

"Molly, you freaked out on me just like mom and dad did. Don't pretend you don't have a hand in this."

"Dean, listen to yourself! Please!"

"First time in three years and you are going right back to this. Un-fucking-real."

"Dean, do you really think we would just turn on you for no fucking season? Do you really think after spending our whole lives together, one day we would just make something up and pretend you're crazy?"

"I…but-"

"Why Dean?! Why do you think so low of us? Do you really think we all teamed up and made Dawn up?"

"Stop saying that fucking name! Who the fuck is Dawn?!"

"You know Dean! Listen! I don't blame you for trying to forget her! I don't blame you at all Dean, I'm happy you moved on and are trying to forget about her, but something is wrong when you dissociate this fucking badly!"

"There's nothing to forget Molly, for the love of fucking god."

"Our entire family knows about Dawn Dean! Everyone! Us, mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, Uncle Shane and Jalen, everyone! Does that not seem weird to you? At all?"

"I…I just thought-"

"What, that everyone got together and decided to make up some fucking evil girl and taunt you with her? Huh?!"

"…"

"We didn't want to push you away Dean, we didn't! But something was wrong with you after she died! We wanted to help! So just….please."

"…"

"I'm tired of yelling Dean…I fucking miss my big brother so fucking much…we all do…please Dean…we all still love you…I love you…"

"…"

"I didn't want this phone call just to be a repeat of the last time we spoke…but…just…please Dean. Please come home."

"…"

"…please. Dean?"

"…"

"…Dean? Are you-"

"…"

"…he hung up on me. No…no…fuck no…please Dean…please don't do this…"