"My name is Mari Makinami – your new classmate!" The girl had long pigtails, stylish red glasses and a smug smile on her face. The whole class was whispering; she looked so much more grown up than most girls in the class – someone new and exciting. Her voice was cheery and uplifting. She clapped her hands together and rubbed them. "This will be so much fun! I will get to know each and every one of you!"

There was a gleam in her eyes. Shinji gulped.

Then he sighed quietly and looked towards the windows as the class started. A new classmate… With some luck, that would draw Kensuke's attention away. He'd rather not tell him the specifics of yesterday's battle. He was just glad that, for once, it hadn't been him fighting. He probably would have simply fallen into the sea and drowned. The very thought made Shinji shudder. He had come so close to death every battle… and it seemed nobody had ever cared about that. Misato had always just taken it for granted that he piloted, had expected it and never said anything. Every time, life had just gone on, as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn't suffered, and he had always just been forced to fight the next angel. If he hadn't quit piloting, if he had hence fought that angel…

For several minutes, the world around him just didn't exist. The teacher's incessant droning was just a big blur. All he could think of was that thought – that he would have been dead now. And also other memories: Feeling helpless as the first angel mauled his head, the second angel looming over him, the third angel boiling him alive. He could have died at any of those moments, and that was all he could think of right now.

He began to breathe heavily and looked around the room. He didn't want to have those thoughts, wanted to get rid of them, but at the same time, everything else seemed so trivial – his classmates around him, what the teacher said, the classroom itself. There was whispering around him. He noticed that, and was annoyed by it. It just couldn't compare to his thoughts, couldn't penetrate them.

His gaze began to wander almost hastily… until it stopped when it fell on something red and blue. Rei was looking right at him from her seat. For a moment, Shinji just looked into her wide, red eyes.

"I will protect you."

That memory began to push aside the others. The first angel – Shinji saw Rei. The second angel – Shinji saw Rei. The third angel – the broad backside of Unit-00 in front of him, holding the shield that protected him from the deadly beam.

"Is there a problem?" Finally, the teacher seemed to have caught on. Hastily, Shinji turned around again to face forwards. But the sides of his lips curled up. The memories had passed.

The remainder of the class proceeded without incident. Uneasiness still simmered and seethed inside Shinji, and the sheer boredom of the class made it impossible for him to distract himself, but whenever things seemed to get too bad, he looked over to Rei. The girl was now looking out of the window, as she usually did in class, but it was still good to have the visual reassurance of her being around. He just wished lunch break would come quickly, so he could lose himself in trivial banter with Touji and Kensuke.

When said break did finally come, everyone seemed to be rushing over to Mari's desk. The girl sat on the desk, feet on her chair, and gave everyone their due amount of attention – a queen holding court. And the way at least the male half of the class was looking at her, plus some of the girls, it seemed she had just won quite a few willing vassals indeed. Most girls eventually kept away from her, scoffing at the attention she was getting, but that didn't seem to deter her. She seemed to have no problems keeping up with the boys, or even flirting with them, or even doing the same with her female admirers.

This is literally the first time she has talked to any of them! Shinji just stayed at his place. This all was too loud and unruly for him. He usually didn't want to have all too many people around him. Whenever that happened, it was exhausting.

Touji seemed to agree. "Such a commotion," he snarled, lazily leaning his chair back at the desk next to Shinji's. He was the only one in class who ever did this; everyone else was too scared by Hikari's very loud efforts at keeping order.

Kensuke, who stood between the two desks, grinned at him provocatively. "You're just henpecked." He glanced over demonstratively to Hikari, who stood in one corner of the room and looked at the ongoing scene with furrowed brows.

Touji crossed his arms, nearly lost his balance, and then let the chair fall on all four legs again. "I'm not! I just have some dignity, you know."

Shinji grinned faintly; it was good to do this normal stuff now. However, it was of course Kensuke who drove the point further on. "That's a funny way of saying you just don't want to piss Hikari off. Me..." He turned his attention forwards, to Mari's desk. "I have no problem ogling her!"

Touji scoffed. "And that's all you'll ever… ah…" He stopped.

Suddenly, Mari was looking in their direction. And she was standing up now, making her way through the gaggle of admirers around her and coming straight to the three boys.

"Hello there!" she greeted them. "So which of you is Shinji Ikari?"

The three friends looked at each other. What does she want with me? But before Shinji could even say anything, two fingers were pointed at him, with both Touji and Kensuke laughing dumbly.

"So you're the EVA pilot, aren't you?" she addressed him. Shinji furrowed his brows and looked away. There was nothing to say here. She clapped her hands together. "Well, it seems we're colleagues!"

Shinji jerked his head around. Next to him, Kensuke and Touji stood with their mouths agape.

"Colleagues?" Kensuke asked. Then his entire face lit up. "You're an EVA pilot?"

"The Third Child," Mari confirmed enthusiastically. "I just got here. I used to be stationed at the Arctic, but my unit didn't survive the one fight I had. I heard they're shuffling personnel around here, so I..."

"You already fought an angel?" Kensuke continued.

And suddenly, everyone was around her again, asking her questions, admiring her, seeking her attention. It was too much for Shinji. He simply stood up and trotted away. Touji looked as he departed, but didn't do anything, and he was probably the only one who even noticed.

Outside the class, Shinji stood leaning against the wall and wiped his hands over his face. If she's an EVA pilot, how can she be so cheery? It hurt how suddenly everyone took interest in her, yet at the same time he wouldn't know what to do with so much attention, anyway. He knew his feelings were irrational, but even so… They're wrong. They're all wrong, this 'Makinami' included. How can one revel in piloting? None of them knows what it's like, except for Makinami, and she should know better then.

He purposefully returned to class two minutes too late. This earned him an angry look from the teacher, something he hated and felt guilty about, but it made absolutely sure he wouldn't be forced to talk to Mari or watch all the attention she was getting. He just sat down at his desk and listened to the inescapable, dull lectures of the teacher.

When class ended, all Shinji wanted to do was to get away from this as quickly as possible, to go home right now – even if it meant having to deal with Misato there. So he quickly packed his school bag, ready to leave immediately.

"Hey, you okay?" Touji asked from his desk.

Shinji just nodded unenthusiastically and then left the room. He trotted through the school corridors all alone, once again reaffirmed in his belief that nobody understood him. Other students filled the corridors around him, all eager to go home or to club activities now, but Shinji hardly paid them any heed. He just got lost in the crowd.

He blinked when he went outside the building. Warm sunlight fell on his face, but this felt more like an annoyance than anything else. Shinji walked unenthusiastically towards the exit of the schoolyard, near the old shed…

... and suddenly stopped when he heard a sound in front of him and a female student uniform began filling his field of vision. His bowed head was looking right at a bountiful chest area.

"Hng!" Embarrassed, Shinji took a step back and looked up. Mari Makinami stood there - or rather, had just jumped there from the shed's roof. She grinned at him. "Maki-Makinami!"

"It's the sad puppy!" Mari exclaimed. "Ah, sorry. But I did want to talk to you."

"But… but…" Shinji stuttered and looked up to the shed's roof.

Mari shrugged. "Only way to escape the crowd." She waved about with her arms. "I'm a ninja!" Shinji just stared flatly at her. "Right then, shall we go?"

"Uh…" Shinji tried to answer, but before he'd even had the chance to formulate words, Mari had grabbed his upper arm and was dragging him along.

"I want to know more about my colleagues!" Mari exclaimed. "We should talk!"

Shinji shrugged and now walked of his own volition. "I suppose we can talk on our way home. Where do you live?"

"I was assigned quarters in the Geofront," Mari answered.

Shinji looked at her in surprise. "But there are no entrances to the Geofront in that direction!"

Mari folded her hands behind her head and looked up, appearing all innocent. "Well then, I guess I'll visit you."

Now Shinji was so shocked and he just stopped. "What?"

Mari came to a halt as well and looked back at him. She laughed. "Oh don't be so shocked! I'll come visit you. Don't worry, I'm a very easy to handle guest. You don't need to feed me or anything!"

"But…" Shinji tried to protest. A girl coming to my place? That seemed so improper!

"No buts!" Mari told him sternly, and again grabbed his arm.

After a while, Shinji was walking on the sidewalk, along his usual route, but now trotting behind Mari, who cheerfully walked in front. He feared people would look, but nobody did. He breathed out in relief.

Eventually, Mari, still looking ahead, asked, "You're not piloting anymore, are you?"

Shinji furrowed his brows and looked at the ground. "Not actively, anymore" he muttered. "I'm a reserve pilot now, officially."

Mari stopped and turned around to look at him. Her eyes were narrowed, as if in thought. "You quit? Why?"

"What do you mean, why?" Shinji answered, a new hardness in his voice. "Do you like piloting? Fighting!"

"Of course I do!" Mari exclaimed.

Now it was Shinji, who had just passed by Mari, who stopped. There are people who like piloting… "Why?"

"How can one not?" Mari asked, sounding all enthusiastic. "I've been in only one fight so far, but… it was like an escape for me. An escape from before when I just existed. I've never felt so alive as in that fight!" Both slowly began moving again. A silence fell on both. Shinji felt alienated. He didn't really want to hear how someone actually enjoyed piloting. It made him feel inadequate, like he should be the same but was just too pathetic or cowardly for that.

Finally, Mari spoke up again, "I saw the footage of your fight against the dildo angel." Shinji jerked his head around. He was sure it had to be red as a tomato. Mari chuckled. "Oh come on! You know which one I mean! The pink one. That's the one you really took on one to one, with no mysteries. That was kinda like my fight. You charging ahead, into the enemy… you must have felt that as well! That being alive!"

Shinji looked down on the pavement. All he had felt was dread. That angel looming over his fallen EVA, and then that last desperate charge. It had been a matter of seconds. He could have died then, but he hadn't cared: He had just wanted to end this dreadful encounter. He had feared so much that in the end he just hadn't possessed the energy anymore to care about his life.

He had been afraid. But there was no way he could say that now. What sort of man would he be? He felt hot and uneasy and awkward walking at Mari's side in silence like that, after she had just asked him a question, but he just couldn't answer it.

After a minute of that silence, Mari continued, "It's okay, you know. I get that this isn't for everyone. Most people would probably crap their pants. So I'm not looking down on you or anything, but… I just don't get it. If I never piloted or did anything like that, what's the point?"

"Before… before I came here," Shinji spoke up hesitantly, "I lived with a tutor. He saw to it that I was fed and clothed, but otherwise barely cared for me. I think I know what you mean by 'just existing'. But it wasn't so bad. I don't think I was happy, but it only got worse when I came here to pilot."

"So that's how you feel," Mari whispered. She shook her head. "I'm sorry, puppy. You should never have been made a pilot." With a quiet sound of resentment, Shinji looked away from her. She laughed. "I don't mean that in a bad way. Puppies are adorable, a good thing, and shouldn't be stuffed into entry-plugs!"

Now Shinji didn't know what to say or think. He was simply confused by that girl. Though he supposed that was better than being resentful. And after a while of silent walking he realized just what Mari had said: That she found it okay for him not to pilot. A faint smile came to his face.

How do you tell a girl 'You're weird but okay'? The answer of course was that one didn't. There was no way Shinji could say so to Mari. He had a sneaking suspicion the girl wouldn't even mind, but it would still be out of bounds for him to say so. So, the two walked the last metres to Misato's apartment bloc in silence – well, not actual silence, as Mari was quite vigorously humming some pop song, her upper body seesawing back and forth as she walked, but they didn't exchange words. Shinji, however, was content with that. The humming, interspersed with some actual lyrics, was enough. "With your feet on the air and your head on the ground, try this trick and spin it, yeah..." It was enough that Mari understood.

He swiped his keycard and opened the door to Misato's apartment with a heavy sigh. He still felt tense leading Mari into here, especially as the Lieutenant Colonel wasn't even here. As she had told him, she currently had a shift at NERV Headquarters. Shinji considered offering Mari something, and if only water, but he didn't know what to say, so he just walked through the kitchen with a dumb, embarrassed smile on his face… and then stopped cold. The corridor was packed full with boxes.

"What's going on," Shinji muttered.

His eyes widened when he saw someone peering out of the room in front of him… his room. It was the pilot of the new Evangelion unit. Asuka, her name was. She stretched her upper body out from his room and looked at him with a face full of disdain.

"Why are you still here, reserve pilot?" she asked him dismissively.

"What do you mean 'still here'?" Shinji asked. "What are you doing here?"

Now Asuka came out of his room and defiantly raised her chin. "I live here. You have been replaced, reserve pilot! You are no longer needed! The superior model has arrived. The model that won't just run away."

"Wh-what's that supposed to mean?" Shinji blurted out. Behind him, he could hear Mari giggling.

Asuka just grinned at him. It was a cruel, predatory grin. She seemed to enjoy her victory, or what she regarded as such. "I…"

"She lives here now," a female adult voice said casually from somewhere behind them. Everybody turned to see, behind all the boxes, Misato entering the corridor.

"But… why?" Shinji asked.

Misato gave him her broadest smile. "Don't worry, Shinji. You still live here as well."

"What?"

It's like we're synchronized! It was annoying. Once again, like back at the parking lot, Asuka and Shinji had spoken in unison, and were now looking at each other with faces full of suspicion.

"Oh that sounds like fun!" Mari commented.

"Let's face it, you two need to work on your social competence," Misato told them. "You need to learn how to live with others! So that's exactly what you'll be doing!"

"I most certainly won't!" Asuka protested. "I won't lower my standards to living together with second-rate have-beens!"

Shinji barely suppressed a wince at that. Meanwhile, Misato's face against showed one of her ever so sweetly smiles. "That's an order, Asuka." The redhead merely crossed her her arms, closed her eyes and raised her chin defiantly to look away. Misato turned to Shinji. "We'll prepare the storage room for you, Shinji. It will make for a comfy room, I'm sure."

Before Shinji could even form a coherent thought in reaction to that, a clear voice cut through the corridor. "Hey now!" Everyone turned to look at Mari. "You can't just shove Shinji into a storage room!" She nodded towards the other room. "That was Shinji's room!"

Misato smiled embarrassed and rubbed the back of her head. "Well yes, but…"

"It's mine now!" Asuka declared. "I'm a proper pilot after all."

At that, Shinji just looked down. Mari, however, just grinned at Asuka. "Ohhh, so the Princess wants the best room. And so the puppy is kicked out of it as soon as someone else arrives."

"It's..." Shinji began. He wanted to say 'It's alright', but the way Mari had phrased things… he had gotten used to 'puppy' by now, but he kinda was being kicked out as soon as someone else had arrived, wasn't he? So he couldn't finish the sentence.

"We'll already be hard pressed to get all of Asuka's stuff into the bigger room," Misato muttered.

Mari was still grinning. She took a step forward, right between Asuka and Shinji, and laid an arm each around both pilots' shoulders. Looking from one to the other, she commented in a teasing voice, "Of course, it's a pretty big room. If you both want it, you could just share it!"

Shinji began to stutter wildly and incessantly, while next to him, Asuka rambled and spouted protests, half of them in German, and Mari laughed heartily. Heat extended all over Shinji's face.

Finally, a heavy sigh by Misato cut through that noise. "There won't be any bedroom sharing. I'm sorry, Shinji, but as we are now three people here, somebody will have to take the small room."

Shinji balled his hands into fists and looked down.

After dinner, Shinji had the living room and the TV for himself. He sat on a pillow on the ground in front of it, and unenthusiastically zapped through the channels.

Nominally, it had been his turn to prepare dinner, but Misato had unexpectedly taken over for him, under constant protests that no no, that was fine and that they can celebrate their new roommate. That had kinda fallen flat: The meal had been spent in near-total silence. Afterwards, Misato had immediately retreated into her room. Shinji knew what that meant – she would already start drinking now, and despite her resilience built up over a long time have a killer hangover the next day.

Meanwhile, Asuka had made it pretty clear she wished no social contact at all – even during dinner, she had spent most attention on her handheld gaming device. Misato had shot some dark glances over to her, but hadn't actually commented anything. Afterwards, the redhead had simply taken the device to her room, slamming the door as well as that was possible with Japanese variants.

One would think that, having several dozens channels for himself, Shinji would find something interesting on TV. He already had watched a mindless action flick about a rogue cop turning his back on his department. It had been meh, and now, at the current hour, all channels were running trite, utterly boring nonsense. The soap operas were bad. The so-called 'gaming shows' that were all about embarrassing the candidates were worse. But worst of all were those talk shows where they worked out psychological issues.

"You need to turn that guilt into action. You can claim to be as well-meaning as you want, but if you nonetheless avoid the issue, don't correct what you have done, then it's worthless. Your self-pity won't help a..."

Shinji frowned, took the remote lying on the ground at his side, and turned the TV off. Slowly, he rose from the ground and went to… well, not to his room. To the storage room he had been shoved into. Even now, it was mostly filled with Asuka's boxes. There was only a small free space on the ground where his futon lay. There was no window, so as soon as he turned off the light it was pitch dark.

Sleep would not come.

The shadows of stacked boxes, dark in the darkness, loomed over him. Storage, nothing more – like he also was just an item to be stored away. A tool kept in reserve for when it was needed, and in the meanwhile it would gather dust in some half-forgotten old box. Maybe he would never have thought in such terms on his own. Maybe he would simply have accepted being stuck here, because, hey, surely Misato had her reasons, and it wasn't like he needed such a big room anyway. And truly, he didn't. But it was still as Mari had said – that he was cast aside as soon as somebody else had appeared, and that was rankling. That he was cast aside into a tiny windowless room supposed for storage was merely the icing on the cake.

Strange how he had needed that weird girl to point this out to him.

Normally, if both he and Asuka were treated equally, then she, as the newcomer, should have gotten the storage room. First come, first serve. That instead he was kicked out of the bigger room and she got it meant that she was seen as worthier. As better. And… Maybe she is. After all, she was an active pilot, whereas Shinji was only a reserve pilot, and even that only after Misato had suggested that solution. Just as Asuka had said, he had in fact run away.

Is that why I'm here in the dark? Because I'm just a reserve pilot, not the real deal? Because that does make me less than Asuka is?

Maybe that was all everyone ever saw in another being, Misato included – how useful they were to them. Shinji's father had only called him back when he had needed him, Touji and Kensuke had only become his friends after he had proven useful to them and saved their lives, and Misato judged him and Asuka according to how useful they were to her at NERV. That seemed to be how the world worked.

And that was why he had piloted EVA, in the hope that others would treat him nicely if he had use to them – in the desperate hope that his father would praise him when he saw him doing his work. However, that had never happened. Nobody had ever thanked him, not his father, not Misato, not Ritsuko or anyone else at NERV. Not even his teachers or classmates. They all had just taken his work for granted – his brushes with death, his injuries, his pain. Him going out and meeting giant alien abominations of which he hadn't even heard before. He was a pilot after all, wasn't he? So getting injured and traumatized was just part of his job, nothing to be praised for. In fact, he would get shouted at for screwing up, even though he might as well not have piloted at all.

So he had quit the job. And people apparently had already stopped to be pretend to be nice to him.

Shinji still couldn't shake the feeling that maybe he deserved it. If everyone had to be useful to others… And there were Asuka and Mari as well. There are people who enjoy piloting. It had been a startling revelation to him. Surely, it was only natural to avoid pain – so surely that was what everyone would be doing? It set his own misery into a new context. Maybe it wasn't piloting, it was him.

Asuka had taken an obvious pride in being a pilot and Mari had even said she enjoyed fighting. But if that was possible, that people not only piloted but enjoyed it, with what right was he complaining? Maybe he should leave the better rooms, the better treatment to such people. Maybe they were the better people then.

And yet…
"I could have piloted Unit 01. You don't need to."
"I'm sorry, puppy. You should never have been made a pilot. Puppies are adorable, a good thing, and shouldn't be stuffed into entry-plugs!"

Confused and realising he wouldn't find any sleep anyway, Shinji rose from the futon, stumbled to the door and turned on the light switch next to it. He just didn't know what to think, or what to do now. How he should feel about being shoved into this room, or what to think about the 'true' pilots. And thus, an almost perverse thought arose in him.

He wanted clearness, and where to better find clearness than in the brusque, the scoffing, the dismissive? So he took his mobile phone and began dialing a number he had never dialed before: His father's.

With a heavy sigh, he hit the send button and took the phone to his ear. And waited. And waited. And waited. Nobody took the call.

Shinji let the hand with the phone sink to his side and looked down.

"Figures," he muttered.

"Name's Shikinami. Asuka Langley-Shikinami. I go to school here now. And I hope you'll leave me alone. I'm an EVA pilot; I have better things to worry about than your petty concerns.

That was not the usual introduction of a new student to the class. Asuka's announcement left the entire class baffled. Jaws dropped throughout the room. Hikari stood up, but she was definitely not showing her usual self-assuredness.

"Uh… yes… ah, there is a table free there, Shikinami. Near the entrance, second row?"

"Whatever," Asuka replied and went to over there.

As she sat down, the boy on the table next to her smiled at her; she just flashed her teeth at him in response, and he withdrew again. She seemed satisfied with the result, crossed her arms and waited for class to begin. It was a gesture she maintained throughout the lesson, together with a facial expression that quite actively didn't hide how bored and disinterested she was.

Shinji couldn't help but to keep peeking over at her during class. It wasn't like that he ever had been one for social contacts and talking to people, but to show that utter lack of interest in anyone around one so openly… in some way, that was just wrong. But in another, Shinji could respect it after a weird fashion. With that attitude Asuka surely never had to suffer the usual petty egoism people sometimes could get up to. Clearly she wasn't somebody who would put up with being treated like… like…

...well, like he had been. And hence, that odd sort of quasi-respect for her attitude. He knew he would never be able to be like that. But maybe in a world where everyone just wanted others to be useful for them, such an attitude was helpful and healthy, and perhaps it was actually a failure to be unable to muster it. In truth, he probably wished he had Asuka's strength.

Then again, if Ayanami were like that, she would never have been as pleasant to be around as she has been. But on the other hand… maybe I'm the same? Maybe I just want Ayanami to be useful for me, no matter how she feels about it?

Shinji realized that was too depressed and lost in his morbid thoughts to actually follow the class. The fear of being rejected, of being shoved away, was a more immediate concern to him than the teacher's ramblings about pre-Second Impact Japan. Though at least those never resting thoughts kept him from traumatically reliving the sheer horror of the angel battles while he could do nothing but sit quietly.

Finally, the class was over, and lunch break started. As soon as the bell started, Asuka opened her bag and got her handheld gaming device out of it. She didn't even take part in the rising and bowing to the departing teacher. That earned her a scowl from Hikari, who nonetheless didn't miss a beat in the whole routine, and who also didn't comment – maybe she was cutting some slack to a newbie foreigner.

Having a redhead in class, an obvious exotic foreigner, drew much interest. People looked at Asuka, formed groups, whispered. After her introduction, nobody dared to come near to her, until finally one brave soul ventured it. Asuka didn't even look up from her game: When the poor boy came within reach of her legs, she simply kicked against his thighs, causing him to stumble back. The whispering in the class rose to new heights, but even now, Asuka didn't look up.

"Now now, Princess, that isn't very nice."

This finally caused Asuka to glance slightly above the edge of her device with a frown on her face. "What do you want, Third?" she asked Mari in an icy tone.

Her fellow pilot came positively sauntering to her table, drawing everyone's views to her. "Well, I realize we started off on the wrong foot. So..." Mari leaned forwards and slammed both her hands solidly on Asuka's table. Her voice became cheerful. "Let's be friends!"

Asuka lowered her device a bit more and gave the other pilot the flattest of looks. "Why?"

Mari straightened up again and waved with one hand, as if to cast aside that question. "It would be convenient, you know?"

Asuka scoffed. "With my luck, Misato might just order that." She raised her device again and added a mumbled, "But some orders I might just refuse."

Mari seemed surprised by the reaction. "Picky," she muttered. Then she just shrugged and turned around. She grinned at Shinji, who had watched the whole spectacle from the safety of a few tables away, and now walked over towards him. "Our princess is rather abrasive, isn't she?"

"Well, maybe she has the right idea," he muttered in response as she arrived at his table. Touji and Kensuke, who sat or stood next to him, looked astonished, as if it were a miracle that the other new girl had come over.

"Aww, don't be so gloomy, puppy!" Mari exclaimed. That got Touji and Kensuke out of their amazement. They began to snicker. Shinji smiled very lopsidedly. And Mari furrowed her brows and shook her head. "They really should never have shoved you into an entry-plug."

"Hey now!" Kensuke protested, but Mari ignored him.

Immediately, Shinji looked down on his table. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"What? Don't be!" Mari told him. "You're free now, aren't you?"

"Well, I still need to go to synch-tests," Shinji answered very quietly. "But..." A faint smile began to appear on his still bowed head. "I suppose so."

"Of course he would need to go to the synch-tests!" Kensuke protested again. "Only a well prepared pilot..."

Mari looked briefly up at him. "Hush, Noob," she merely said, and then turned her attention back to Shinji. "Ah yes, there's that. Well, that's not so bad, is it? We'll meet there. We can talk during the tests!"

"Ah… Ritsuko doesn't like…" Shinji began.

But Mari merely waved her hand, swatting the argument aside. "It makes reading the stats more complicated for her, but if they let us sit us one or two hours in LCL with nothing for us to do… they can go that extra mile, don't you think?" Shinji would never have thought of matters in that way on his own, but he had to admit the logic was compelling. He nodded and that, as he realized, rather dumbly. "See, things won't be so bad as a reserve pilot."

"I suppose..." Shinji started anew.

"Reserve pilot?" Kensuke butted in once again. Deja vu…

Mari furrowed her brows and looked at the boy again. "Didn't I tell you to..."

But this time, Kensuke didn't regard her. "You're not in active service anymore?"

"Ah..." Shinji felt trapped. He had no idea what to answer. Kensuke's infatuation with mecha in general and EVAs in particular had always been somewhat embarrassing or even off-putting to him, but it wasn't like the boy was all about just that. As long as Kensuke could keep his fanboyism in check, he was a good friend. But now… "Well, I… I…"

"You – you quit!" Kensuke concluded. It sounded utterly disbelieving. Shinji didn't answer, and Mari didn't comment. There was silence for a time. Finally, Kensuke's voice turned hostile and accusatory, every word like a whip strike. "You had this chance! Do you know what I would have given for that?"

There was so much to answer here – that Shini had never asked for this 'chance', that he would have given everything for a world in which nobody had ever asked him to pilot, that he would have gladly given that 'chance' to Kensuke and would even have thanked the boy for it, that for him it had been pain and nothing else. Kensuke didn't know what it was like – the pain, the fear, the knowledge that the next fight would come. Despite all this, he was an EVA fanboy. So what was there that Shinji could have said?

In the end, nobody knows what it's like. Except Mari and she… She liked piloting, so she was just as unrelatable to him. He turned his head away from Kensuke, remaining stubbornly silent even as his classmate waited for an answer, no doubt expecting him to justify himself.

So it was Mari who instead spoke up for his sake. "Sorry, Noob, that isn't how it works. You can't just choose to be able to pilot, or not be able to pilot. It doesn't work by just volunteering." Her voice changed. That made Shinji look up at her. It was suddenly so unlike her cheery, bubbly demeanour before – deep, serious, even hollow. "Trust me. I know."

"As do I!" Kensuke exclaimed. Touji, sitting on his chair by his side, became visibly uncomfortable by the argument. "Trust me, I do. I know I'll never… but Shinji could have! He had the chance! And he just… throws it away! Why, Shinji?"

Shinji's hands grabbed the edge of his desk, hard. Still looking down, he pushed his answer out through gritted teeth, speaking in a low and quiet staccato voice. "Because it's pain! You have no idea what it's like! How much it hurts! How terrifying it is! And you all just pretended everything was normal!"

"Of course it isn't easy!" Kensuke argued now. "But you go through those challenges! With determination! Willpower! Grit! That's how it's supposed to be. Not… not giving up!"

"No idea!" Shinji shouted now.

The entire class was looking now. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room.

While Mari just shook her head, Touji laid a hand on Kensuke's arm. "I think you should better stop now..."

But for Shinji it had become too much. Unable to face everybody staring at him and unable to face Kensuke's accusations, he stood up and ran out of the classroom.

He didn't pay much attention to just where he ran at first. Just along the corridor, up some stairs, it didn't matter, as long as it was just away from the classroom – away from his embarrassment, his problem, his trouble. He was running away yet again, just as he had with the EVA. Finally, one location entered his mind, a location he suddenly felt drawn to – somewhere where he could literally be above it all, away from all the goings on of the school while still remaining there. He went up to the roof.

The wind blew into his face hard when he exited the door leading to it. He kept standing on the spot for a long while, breathing haggardly. He didn't even regard the vista around him, the view over the city, the clear blue sky. He simply sat down, leaning against the small wall that surrounded the roof area, and curled up around his raised knees. With his right fist, he wiped away some tears from his eyes that he hadn't even realized had formed. He sniffled… and hated himself for how that sounded. He hated everything about this – how he couldn't do anything about the situation, how he couldn't defend himself, but most of all how weak and pathetic he was. He didn't blame Kensuke; after all he truly was that wretched. He had in fact run away, after. And so he blamed himself.

He did not know how long he just sat there, his face pressed against his knees so that he didn't need to see the world outside, but when he briefly did glance up, his eyes caught a hint of pale alabaster. Groggily, hesitantly, he raised his head a bit, just enough to see Rei standing in front of him and looking down at him.

"Makinami said I should go after you," she explained, without prelude, in her soft, monotone voice. "I don't know why."

Makinami… Shinji wondered why that strange girl could have said something like that. He wouldn't have thought of it. Yet, it was true that Rei's presence was reassuring.

"Thank you," he whispered, almost hoarsely. That might have been it, but after all that happened, he felt too weak to bother with pretenses, so after a while he added, "I'm glad you're here."

Rei apparently let that sink in. Finally, she simply asked, "Why?"

With a sad smile on his face, Shinji lowered his knees and leaned his back against the wall. "Because, when you're around, I feel…" He struggled a second for the right word. "...safe. It's like..." He smiled again, abashedly now, looking down between his legs on the ground. "You were ready to pilot for me. You don't attack me. And you told me you'd protect me."

"Oh," was all Rei could answer. "I meant…" There was a long pause. "I will."

Shinji angled one of his knees again. "But… you shouldn't." He paused. Rei didn't comment. Wind blew through her hair. "Maybe that's just how you're useful to me, and hence what I simply expect of you. But that's wrong."

"What do you mean?" Rei asked.

"You protecting me," Shinji explained. "You're doing that, but… I can't protect you. Not any longer. I've run away from the EVA. I have left it entirely to you and the others."

"You blame yourself for that," Rei stated. It wasn't a question.

"Of course!" Shinji confirmed emphatically. "I'm… I'm…" He shook his head.

"Do you also blame Suzuhara? Or the class representative?" Rei asked. Shinji just looked at her incredulously and then slightly shook her head, unsure what she meant. Finally, she explained, "They also don't pilot EVA."

"Well they couldn't!" Shinji exclaimed.

"Neither can you," Rei told him. "You can't return into active service. There are three Evangelion units, and three active pilots. Whether you pilot or not makes no difference."

Hearing it like that still made Shinji wince, even though he could guess how Rei meant it. Besides… He curled up again, and spoke against his knees. "Doesn't matter. I ran away."

"You are free to do so," Rei simply told him.

"And what about you?" Shinji asked her. When there was no answer, he slowly opened up the shell he had formed around himself with his body, and got to his feet again. He looked Rei right in the face. "I could leave because there are enough pilots around. But that means you can't leave anymore. I did so, and hence robbed you of that choice. I condemned you, and also Makinami and Shikinami, to piloting."

Rei looked right back at him, those enigmatic red eyes showing no sign of hesitation. "I don't mind."

Shinji didn't know how to answer to that. She 'didn't mind'? That still felt like he was using her. Finally, he muttered, "I don't deserve this."

"Not everyone needs to pilot," Rei told him. "Suzuhara doesn't. The class rep doesn't. Aida doesn't. You provided me with another bond to the world besides piloting. I will pilot so that you don't have to."

Shinji opened his mouth, but didn't know what to say. Rei spoke as if he had done some great good.

What is it that she thinks I have done?

Dimmed light fell through always dusty curtains into a bleak, unpanelled room. The last time they had been opened had been over a year ago. The stark brightness of the world, the eternal reminder an outside world forever closed off to the room's occupant, never entered here in full. The room was a mirror of that occupant's soul.

And for years, that occupant, Rei, had had no problems with that. The room in the Geofront where she had grown up; her cramped, dirty apartment in which she was living now – it had always been sufficient. Always straight to the point, always free of the chaos of a world she never fully got, always nothing more than her sentiments, with no baubles or gewgaw. She felt at home in rooms such as this, industrial, undecorated and stark as they were. She had never known anything else, and she had never considered that she might want something else.

She still wasn't sure she did. But those feelings, as if deep down in her stomach, when she was around Shinji, when he had told her she was important to him, that he valued her presence, those were new. They had crashed right into her so far structured and regulated life, an alien object in it – and yet, they were something good. She wanted to feel those emotions. With Shinji around, she wanted to feel, period.

Certainly, it was worth a try. Maybe she could feel even more of that feeling, if…

She looked at the pills in her hand. She knew the medicines were useful. Her body had special needs, and Ritsuko was always examining it closely – uncomfortably closely at times, but that meant the faux-blonde scientist certainly knew what she was doing. And sometimes, it was a blessing how dulled down at times Rei's feelings were.

Sometimes. But with Shinji around, it was also a curse. She laid the pills down on the table again and turned to go. It was time to walk to school.

The streets of Tokyo-3 just passed by her. On some level she wasn't consciously aware of them. In fact, she wasn't perceptive of most things she didn't directly focus on. To her, a walk of five minutes was no different than a walk of five hours; time didn't exist for her unless she was on some task. To her subjective mind, she simply arrived at school; she might as well have teleported.

Going up the stairs, through the school corridors, to the class room, that was just as much unthinking rote. The only reason she caught some of it at all was that she knew she was later than her unusual time; normally she would without fail be the first student to arrive, or the second after the class rep. Now that she wasn't, people kept looking at her; such a deviation from routine from her of all people was something to gossip about.

"Good Morning."

Rei's head turned almost automatically. That subdued voice cut through the mist that surrounded her senses, that mist that seemed to forever separate her from the world. It was an absurd reaction; it was just Shinji entering the class room, and yet his presence the only thing besides piloting that seemed to be able to rupture her from the usual greyness of her life, and that made it valuable, even when he wasn't talking directly to her. And she did want more of that feeling.

It was odd to have nothing to do, and yet have time pass by second by second. The teacher hadn't arrived yet, class hadn't started yet, but something kept Rei's attention. She tried to not always look at Shinji. He already seemed so overburdened with the expectations people put in him, and so he didn't need her to do the same. It was a good thing that now he didn't have to pilot anymore. His duty had been necessary, but that necessity had ended, and he deserved freedom from it. It was a freedom she could never have; she was under no illusion there; but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy it.

Only when class started did Rei drift off… and during these times, that seemed to be true for most of her classmates as well. School was irrelevant. All the education they were receiving was in the end meaningless, for they would not get to enjoy its fruits anymore. Even so, Rei tried her best to keep up with the curriculum, reading everything and doing every piece of homework. After all, that was a duty assigned to her.

But that just meant that actual class was particularly unimportant. She didn't need it in order to fulfill her assigned duty. Books had proven to be a much more competent transmitter of knowledge than the teacher.

Without even fully consciously realizing it, Rei stood up, bowed, and sat down again. Class was over and lunch break had started.

Rei just sat at her table and looked out of the window. Soon this break would be over and the next class would begin. She was completely attuned to this routine. Outside, she saw birds on a tree's crown near the window. Ignorant beings, but also free beings. Their mundane activities always interested her much more than what the teacher had to say, or what the class talked about.

Someone cleared their throat. Rei turned around. Her eyes opened a bit when she saw Shinji standing right at her desk. His cheeks were strangely red.

"I, uh… wanted to thank you for yesterday," he explained. His speech was oddly hasty. "And, uh, I… I noticed you never have lunch with you, so… ah… wellImadeyoualunchbox." He simply stretched out his arm and held such a box in her direction.

Carefully, Rei picked it from his hands, laid it on the table and opened it. "Oh..." She really didn't kow what else to say. "That's…" She couldn't even say what it was. She looked down at the table, and now she felt heat on her own cheeks as well. "Thank you, Ikari," she whispered.

She sat there, he stood there, both with slight red in their faces but smiling, and neither said something.

Only when Shinji began looking visibly uncomfortable did Rei notice the whispering that went all through the class. And then a louder, more aggressive sound – Asuka scoffing. As with everything else, the German pilot made no secret about how she felt, looking at the scene with crossed arms and contempt in her face.

Shinji smiled lopsidedly, told Rei "I hope you'll enjoy the box", and then went back to his table. He got something out of his box, and then went over to Asuka. The redhaired girl began looking defensive as he approached. She didn't say anything, but "And what do you want?" was basically written on her face.

"I, ah, I made something for you as well, Shikinami," Shinji told her. "I mean… whatever the circumstances, we are flatmates now, aren't we? And you do pilot. That's that's brave of you. Uh..." He seemed to be losing his trail of thought. Asuka still looked unimpressive, so Shinji was growing visibly uncomfortable. Whereas he only had a faint blush before, now, his head began looking like a tomato. "Well… I made you a lunchbox as well." He simply placed it on the table.

Asuka nearly lost the balance on her chair. She looked at that box with surprise, than at Shinji, then at the box again. Then her eyes arrowed with suspicion. "A lunch box. For me. Why? You have no reason to like me, Fourth."

Shinji shrugged. "Neither you nor me chose our situation."

"I… uh… I…" Asuka stuttered. Then she harrumphed again. "Thanks, Fourth. But don't think this will mean anything."

"Mean what, Princess?" Mari shouted from across the room. "We all know what you're thinking."

The class began to chuckle openly. Asuka, her face now distorted with anger, slammed a fist on her table and protested, "Get your mind out of the..."

However, Mari was way louder than her. "Way to go, puppy! Woo the princess!"

Wooing… Rei did not like the new strange feeling she was suddenly having.