yep, eight (8) years later. the temptation seriously existed to delete this and run away crying, but...my sense of humor hasn't really changed. so let's do this shall we?

Okay, so Candy Crush was just off the table. Carmelita wrote King a letter telling them to completely obliterate the game and then one to Nero telling him to install it in the Orphans Shack immediately. He did, where the Baudelaires all began feeling sick because the game contained peppermint. But the fact remained that there was still the undying temptation of the app store. You could genuinely obtain anything. Carmelita spent hours playing a game where the sole object was to modify her lockscreen to look like an electric razor, but it had no point system. Without a high score, life was meaningless. So she did what any sensible person and downloaded SimCity. It was affiliated with the Sims, so it was probably a game for cakesniffers. But they all were! Every single game Carmelita found was designed for cakesniffers! Clearly the proper sort just had better hobbies.

But Carmelita Spats did not have better hobbies. Her joy in life was to while away hours on increasingly annoying virtual simulations. Which was what led her to this precise moment, being asked to place a road for the people in her city to drive on.

Once, when Carmelita was about six, she had been in the backseat when her father drove around a cul-de-sac. Something fundamental had shifted in his daughter that day, but unbeknownst to even her until she filled her plot of grass with beautiful cul-de-sacs just like the one that had fueled her keen passion for road architecture. Now the game was telling her to place buildings. Who did this cakesniffing game think it was trying to tell her what to do? "NO!" she yelled at it. You see, Carmelita didn't actually want anyone to live there. She wanted a place where people could come and drive around the cul-de-sacs and leave.

Or, she thought, she could plant a building where she could live and drive on her gorgeous roads every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long. The building wasn't pink, which was kind of cakesniffing, but at least she'd almost never actually go in there. Except everyone moved out of it because there was no power. Now, only cakesniffers live in buildings with no power, so Carmelita had to install a coal plant. Then the people complained because they didn't want to live somewhere with coal seeping into their lungs. Then they complained that there water, no sewage, no garbage! Who needed those things anyway? Carmelita hadn't intentionally turned on a water tap in almost a year, and she was still adorable! This was all just a scam by EA to get you to spend more money, obviously. Well, they weren't getting it. Carmelita's unbelievably wealthy parents had far better things to do than spend 4.99 on some simoleons. You could buy four cans of dollar store Chef Boyardee with that! Carmelita decided to demolish her building and just kill off all the stupid cakesniffers within. When you demolished a building, it turned black and sank into the ground, which was hysterical. So the next hour was spent building apartments only to turn them black and retreat into the ground.

Then the people started complaining that they wanted the police because they didn't feel safe. Who wanted to feel safe and rest easy at night? Then they felt sick and wanted a hospital. The only thing a hospital was good for was laughing at the sick and injured cakesniffers inside, and you didn't even get to see them, so that wasn't a good investment. Then they wanted s fire station, and if you refused, the apartment would burn, flames shooting from the windows as smoke reached towards the sky.

Yep, that was about right. "Burn, you cakesniffers, burn!" Carmelita shouted, watching as people walked into the burning building like it was nothing. Okay, this game was actually fun. Carmelita didn't want to actually play it anymore, but she did keep it installed, just to have some fire and carnage to look at when her other games got particularly rough.

uh yeah definitely not inspired by real events *whistles*