Beta'd and edited by The Evil Within
Chapter 10: Set Us Up the Bomb
Ah, man! Why can't I just get a break?! Death and poverty like me so much, they brought FRIENDS!
-Vash the Stampede
It had long been Kazuma's dream to share a bath with a beautiful woman, to have her scrub his back, and exalt in the titillation of the scenario. Which was why his current situation just felt so wrong.
"Is something amiss, Kazuma?" Darkness asked, pausing in the act Kazuma had so long dreamed of.
"No, it's just...I mean, you've still got a smokin' body and a great rack. So why does it feel like, I dunno, Aqua's washing me or something," Kazuma complained.
Darkness tisked and shook her head, continuing her cleaning. "It is because you are in love, you silly man."
"Yeah, I guess," Kazuma admitted. Darkness finished, then turned around so that Kazuma could return the favor. "This really isn't like the last time we shared a bath."
"No, but then you thought I was but a dream, didn't you?" Darkness laughed. She turned slightly, grinning at Kazuma. "Now that I am clearly flesh and blood, how does it feel?"
"Like I'm taking a bath with my big sister. And not my sexy step sister either," Kazuma sighed. "I dunno. We've just been through a lot together. I care for you, hell, I think I even love you, but…"
"But as I love you. As my perverted and foolish sibling," Darkness finished for him.
"Yeah. I guess. So, how's it going with Tokoyami?"
That made Darkness blush and cover herself, which was pretty pointless because Kazuma really had seen it all, and he just wasn't interested anymore.
"He is...well, let us say that if I were sharing a bath with him, there would be a rather different connotation to it," Darkness chuckled, her voice going throaty and seductive.
"Oh knock it off. Pfft. At least one of us is getting laid," Kazuma groused. "Just make sure you don't get knocked up. Now would be a real inconvenient time for that to happen."
"We have not, that is, why we provide one another with comfort and pleasure, it is not yet that sort of relationship. I confess, I feel slightly guilty as though I am taking advantage of him. I am a demi-god who is hundreds of years old, yet he is only a boy by the reckoning of your people," Darkness explained.
"Eh, I wouldn't worry about it. He's old enough to get married here or back home. I mean, back in your home," Kazuma said.
Darkness smiled, sighing and relaxing as Kazuma sank back into the water. "It is your home too, Kazuma."
"Nah. That's wherever you and Megumin are. And, well, Aqua too. I actually kind of miss that useless goddess," Kazuma said, shaking his head.
"Yes, we were something of a failure as an adventuring group once she left, were we not?" Darkness looked pained for a moment. "We can't fail again, Kazuma. So many people died. Nearly 80% of the world's population, destroyed by the Lord of the Tomb's invasion."
"Yeah. It was...hard, judging people who were my friends," Kazuma admitted. "Did you ever, you know, see Iris?"
"Her majesty vanished, as you well know Kazuma. Not even Aqua knew what happened to her," Darkness told him, looking solemn. "But my father, our friends...so many of them died. We have to prevent that here."
"Yeah. I'm still trying to come up with a plan, honest. It's just… the people here, they're so weak. I mean hell, I'm an Archmage to them! I'm just a medium leveled Adventurer, and I wiped the floor with their best knights when we trained. I think we're screwed," Kazuma admitted.
Darkness hugged herself, tears welling up in her eyes. "Don't say that, Kazuma. There has to be a way."
"Yeah, I'm trying to think of something that uses Uraraka and Tokoyami. They're tough and strong, both of them. Honestly, they're more powerful than most of the cheat items we gave out. If we've got half a prayer, it's the two of them."
"Then we shall make the most of what we have. I am with you, Kazuma, to the end."
"Yeah. Just… just don't make me watch you die again, Darkness, OK? That...that was the worst day of my life," Kazuma dipped his head in the water, trying to hide the tears.
"Very well. But do not ask me to look on as you die either, Kazuma. It broke my heart each time before, even knowing we would simply resurrect you," Darkness told him, scooting over to give him a hug.
Kazuma returned it, resting his head on her ample chest. "Nope. Just doesn't do it for me. Dammit, Darkness, you've ruined boobs for me!"
"You cad! And here I thought you were actually in need of comfort!" Darkness squawked, dunking Kazuma's head under the water. Then she let out a gasp as he used his Freeze skill. They ended up laughing and splashing one another, before finally getting out and drying off.
"Thank you, Kazuma, I needed that," Darkness said as she pulled on her padded cotton undersuit.
"Yeah. Not just the bath," Kazuma agreed. He held out a fist, which Darkness playfully tapped. "Guess I could have picked a worse ugly older sister."
"And I could have gotten a far dumber little brother. Though perhaps not one as perverse."
Outside, Kazuma found an irate looking Tokoyami. "You! How dark you sully Darkness' reputation with-"
"Relax, edgebird," Kazuma said, patting Tokoyami on the shoulder. "She's like a sister to me. And not a hot step sister you have a few H-Scenes with. Just my big, dumb sister. She's all yours pal."
"I, really?" Tokoyami said, looking towards Darkness.
She smiled and bent over to gently kiss him on the cheek, a rather chaste gesture for her. "What can I say? Perhaps your gentle mannerisms are winning me over?"
"Nah, you're just a big horny slut," Dark Shadow opined.
"You said it, not me," Kazuma laughed as the two lovers fidgeted. "Come on. Let's go see what Uraraka's been up to."
As it happened, Uraraka had just finished a bath of her own, and was sitting in her room, studying a book of magic while she dried off her hair. She looked up, smiling at seeing the others. "Hey! Tokoyami, have you read any of these magic spells? They're really easy! Look!"
Uraraka pointed a finger at a feather sitting on the table beside her. "Levitate!"
Slowly, the feather lifted off into the air, floating around the room for a moment, until Uraraka cried, "Release!"
"I had not tried," Tokoyami admitted. He pointed his own finger at the feather. "Levitate!"
This time, nothing happened.
"Wait, here this talks about how to concentrate your will and apply it to the physical world," Uraraka said, hurrying over with the book. "I've only got the one spell so far, but I think I could learn a bunch of magic!"
"Maybe," Kazuma said, picking up the feather and looking at it thoughtfully. Uraraka looked like she was about to explode, but he held up a hand. "Hold on. Have you tried any other spells? Like, a fire spell, or an electric one."
"Yeah, but only Levitate seems to work for me," Uraraka admitted. "I think it might be because of my quirk."
"Yeah, I think so," Kazuma agreed, spinning the feather in his hand and thinking. "Your quirk lets you manipulate gravity right?"
"Well, sort of. I just remove the effect of gravity on objects." To demonstrate, Uraraka slapped the book, then dropped it, only for it to simply slowly spin in the air next to her.
"Anti-gravity," Kazuma agreed, thinking. "Hmm. I know a skill that increases the effect of gravity, or maybe an object's mass. Let's see. Weight!"
The world went white, and the next thing Kazuma knew, Darkness was hauling him out of a pile of rubble as his ears rang. He blinked, and saw Dark Shadow hovering over a battered Tokoyami, who had thrown himself over a stunned looking Uraraka.
Guards and knights got a hold of Kazuma and the others, dragging them out of Uraraka's now ruined room. Thankfully, they'd been in a manor house, not the main fortress, and the only injuries were things Kazuma was able to mend quickly once he was able to get back on his feet.
"My lord, what happened?" Archmage Denker asked, having arrived along with a dozen other powerful magi. "We detected a great outburst of magic, did some spell of yours go awry?"
"No," Kazuma said, a maniacal grin spreading over his face. "No, I think I just figured out how we're going to beat the Lord of the Tomb's army. Get me to Frederik, right now!"
"Just so you know," Uraraka told Kazuma as a carriage was brought around for them. "That was, perhaps, the single stupidest thing I have ever seen anyone do. Did you never take a physics class? Gravity and anti-gravity don't mix! I think that's actually how I ended up dying, because I used my quirk on Midoriya when he had on that contraption of Hatsume's!"
"I told you I was a NEET. I ditched school to play video games. Which means I know dick about physics, but I do know a lot about combo moves," Kazuma told her.
"Yeah, well, next time, warn us before you do something stupid. I'm just lucky Tokoyami realized what an idiot you were about to be and that Dark Shadow was quick enough to shield both of us," Uraraka told him. Then she smiled. "But, hey, at least we did live! And I guess we figured out something useful, anyway. You're not too bad, Kazuma. Even if you're a dumb pervert."
"And you're not too bad for a money grubbing killjoy," Kazuma said with a lecherous grin.
Uraraka rolled her eyes, but then held out a fist to Kazuma. After a moment, he tapped it. "We'll win this, Kazuma. Don't you worry. I'm not dying again."
"Yeah, trust me, it's not an experience you'd ever want to have. And don't get me started on that whole 'good death' nonsense. They all suck, trust me. I've died a dozen times and they were all painful and humiliating."
They met with Frederik and Denker in a private audience chamber, the Kaiser looking even more frazzled than before. "Well?" he demanded without preamble.
"So, I think we've come up with a way to put a serious dent in the Lord of the Tombs army," Kazuma said, then briefly explained the interaction between his Weight skill and Uraraka's quirk. "You people don't happen to have any mages that can do that sort of thing, do you?"
"No, if a lightening spell and a weight increasing spell are used on the same object, they will either cancel each other out, or the stronger spell will exert more of a force on the object," Denker said, stroking his long grey beard and furrowing his brow. "How is it that your spells interact in such a fashion?"
"Well shit, I don't know," Kazuma admitted.
"Maybe they operate on different principles, or maybe its the fact that one uses my quirk, and the other uses magic from a different world?" Uraraka suggested. "Perhaps two different kinds of magic were not meant to mix together."
"A blending of mortal and divine could indeed have unforeseen consequences," Denker agreed. "Though you should really consult a priest on such matters. Their spells are of a different origin than a magus'."
"Yeah? Do any of them know Turn Undead?" Kazuma asked, thinking of the skeleton knights from their arrival.
"Only the highest ranking clergy can perform such a spell, but they have been largely ineffective against our foes," Denker informed.
"Ugh, figures," Kazuma said, slumping into a chair uninvited. He looked out the window, rubbing at his aching head. He could heal most of his own wounds, but Lesser Heal wasn't nearly as effective as he'd like.
A thought occurred to Kazuma, and he pulled out a tube of rolled paper with a wax fuse in it. "Say, do you guys know anything about explosives?"
"Explosives? You mean, such as alchemical fire? We have some of that," Frederik told him. "It is difficult to manufacture though."
"Hmm, that could be useful. What about glycerin, sulfuric acid, and nitric acid? You know about those?" Kazuma prompted.
Uraraka's eyes went wide. "Oh my God, Kazuma. Are you going to try to teach them how to make dynamite?"
"What of salt peter, charcoal, and sulfur?" Tokoyami asked. "That would be useful."
"I do not know what it is you spoke of, Archmagnus Kazuma, but we have what Lord Tokoyami asked for. Saltpeter is used to cure meat, charcoal can be found in any fireplace, and sulfur is a component in many spells," Denker informed them.
A slow grin spread over Kazuma's face, and he rubbed his hands. "Well, then all we need is a bellfounder, and we can set to work."
"A bellfounder? What need of you for bells?" Frederik demanded, looking suspiciously at the stick of dynamite in Kazuma's hands.
"Well, let's just say, we're about to revolutionize warfare forever," Kazuma told him. "Come on, I bet I can use my smith skill to make some cannons and muskets."
Thus, over the next few weeks, Kazuma, Uraraka, and Tokoyami worked frantically to apply their knowledge of chemistry and modern inventions to create as many weapons as possible to fight the approaching army of the Lord of the Tomb. It took a few tries, mostly trying to remember the correct ratios and creating results worth using consistently, but Tokoyami and Uraraka managed to get a process going to create large quantities of crude gunpowder, which was useful in and of itself. This allowed for hundreds of simple bombs to be made, which they could toss at the enemy with siege weapons.
Kazuma quickly gave up on the musket idea, as after half a dozen prototypes he wasn't anywhere close to a workable weapon, and as Frederik pointed out crossbows were readily available and what his troops knew how to use. Cannon, on the other hand, proved to be relatively simple to make. They were crude muzzleloading smoothbore devices, but Kazuma already knew about bagged shot, and it wasn't hard to use his smith skill on a few bells to show what he needed.
It was a little harder figuring out how to aim and use the damn things, but upon seeing a cannon ball that weighed 10 kilos shot over a kilometer and caused a significant amount of destruction, Frederik all but declared Kazuma a national hero.
"This will give us a fighting chance against their monsters and sorcery!" Frederik proclaimed, smiling widely for the first time they had known the man, as he slapped Kazuma on the back enthusiastically. "Now, if only I had a hundred of them!"
Sadly, there were not that many bells nor that much bronze in the city, and the iron and steel cannons Kazuma tried to make tended burst from the heat of the blast, so he had to scale back on the idea. After a full month of production had passed, they had still managed to make twenty five cannons, thousands of shots, and even more bombs.
"Now, we just have to beat that army," Kazuma muttered, standing atop the walls and leaning on the parapet. It was night at the moment, but Kazuma could clearly see where the Lord of the Tombs approaching army was. It was actually hard to miss, with fires burning all across the horizon. Despite the many kilometers of distance between them and the city walls, the smoke was already filling the air, making it harder to breath. Or maybe that was just the anxiety of seeing a horde of monsters ready to pillage approach. Kazuma wasn't quite sure.
"We can do it, Kazuma. These weapons you and the others created, they are quite impressive," Darkness said, rubbing her hand along one of the cannons. It was a massive weapon, large enough that Kazuma could have crawled inside of the barrel, and they had needed to build a special platform specifically for it atop a mounted turret, as well as have Uraraka help raise it up using her quirk.
"Yeah. They'll certainly make a big boom," Kazuma chuckled. He grimaced. "Sort of wish I had a useless mage here to help me with that, right about now. Maybe it's best Megumin isn't here. She always was jealous of my own 'explosions.'"
Darkness came to stand over by Kazuma, her own expression growing solemn as she looked out at the line of destruction inching its way towards them. "Was this what it was like, in Belzerg as the army came near?"
Kazuma shivered, feeling an icy sense of dread in his stomach. "Yeah. Probably."
They looked out together for a time, looking at the end of the world as it approached. Kazuma sighed and shook his head. "Come on, lets get some rest. They're sure to attack soon."
They had just left the walls when a runner approached. "My lord, my lady, his grace the Kaiser requests you for a final briefing."
"What, another one? How many ways can we find to say 'point the shooties at them and fire?' Bah, fine, we'll go talk to Fred and see what he has to say," Kazuma complained.
They rode up to the citadel, where Uraraka and Tokoyami were already waiting.
"Come, final preparations are already underway," Tokoyami said.
Kazuma nodded, dismounting from his horse and handing over the reins. He was just about to step inside when alarm bells started to go off in his head as his Sense Foe Skill triggered.
"Woah, something's coming," Kazuma said, putting his hand on his sword. "Fast! And-holy shit, they're strong! Stronger than me!"
"Where?" Darkness demanded, drawing her sword and looking around.
"Dammit, they're stealthed, but-Flare!" Kazuma threw his hand up in the air, sending out a shining crimson marker that illuminated the courtyard. In the shadows at one side, four figures appeared. At first glance, they looked like normal servants, dressed in dark dresses with white frocks. But a closer look showed them to be just oh so slightly off. Their hair had a strange sheen, and their eyes glowed malevolently in the dim light. One of them was especially odd looking, with an eye patch and strange metallic skirt.
"We are revealed," the odd maid said in a dull monotone. As she raised her arm, Kazuma realized with a start she was holding a massive gun. "Kill them."
Kazuma hit the dirt as the robot maid thing opened fire. His horse screamed and went down in a spray of hot blood, and he heard Darkness cry out, though what she said was washed out by the lingering ringing from the bullet in the air. Kazuma jumped back to his feet, Chunchunmaru in his hands, but Darkness was advancing as bullets simply bounced off of her armor. She was bleeding from a few superficial wounds on her face. it relieved Kazuma's heart immensely as he watched a bullet simply impact her cheek; It simply bounced off, leaving behind only another minor cut.
"Thank God she put all her points in defense," Kazuma sighed. He looked to the side, then let out a cry of panic as another maid came at him, this one wielding a naginata. She slashed at Kazuma, but his Evasion skill allowed him to dodge, if only by a margin. He back peddled, parrying with Chunchunmaru and trying to get his footing.
"What the hell are you?" Kazuma cried as he desperately fought to get some distance, with his foe pressing him relentlessly.
"We are the Homunculi Maid Assassins of the Great Tomb!" the maid said in an all too chipper voice. "We bring service with a smile!"
"Oh great, this is going to ruin the maid fetish for me forever!" Kazuma ranted. "Freeze!"
The maid easily dodged Kazuma's bolt of magic, giggling as she stabbed at him. "This world has such weak magic users! No wonder our master was willing to send us after you, a mere level 20 squad is enough to beat all of you!"
"Ha! Shows what you know! I'm level 28!" Kazuma snapped.
That made his assailant pause. "Level 28? But, there are no levels in this world, and even with World Class Items, the king of this land was evaluated at no more than level 15."
The brief moment was all Kazuma needed. "Steal!" He felt the familiar feel of panties in his hand, and he mentally groaned. The one time he wanted his stupid skill to work.
"P-p-pervert! Only my master is allowed to treat me in such a manner!" the maid cried, and redoubled her efforts to kill him.
Despite his brag, the problem Kazuma had was that Adventurer was a really basic class, with low stat gains. The main advantage was that it had access to nearly unlimited skills, but it was generally terrible in combat. Kazuma had always had to rely on his creativity and his party members to defeat really strong foes, and he couldn't manage to think now to actually get in a good blow.
"Uraraka!"
The maid, expecting some strange spell, tensed up for a moment. She looked puzzled when Uraraka simply slapped her on the back before dancing away again. Before the maid could follow up on the strange happenstance however, she let out a cry of surprise as she suddenly floated off the ground. She failed her arms for a moment, trying desperately to find leverage to swing her weapon with.
Kazuma ducked away from the increasingly frantic swinging. "Get down! Weight!"
The hapless girl exploded in a blinding flash of light, the shockwave knocking Kazuma flat on his ass. He groaned, scrambling to his feet and looking over at Uraraka, her own foe dead on the cobblestones. The way the dead maid was lying in a crater made Kazuma think she'd fallen from a great height, which made sense. Uraraka was alright with a sword, but that quirk of hers had potential.
"Thanks," Kazuma said, and looked across the courtyard. Darkness was panting, her sword covered in blood as she stood over the robot maid. Her armor was dented and battered, but aside from that she looked fine. Well, actually, she looked orgasmic, but that was normal.
"Hey, nice work," Kazuma said, running over. Tokoyami had dealt with the last maid, Dark Shadow having overwhelmed his foe quickly.
"Thank you. It seems my sword skills have improved," Darkness said. "But be wary. She is not yet dead."
"System...malfunction...a-a-a-tempting...repairs…" the maid gasped, dark viscous fluid leaking from her mouth.
Kazuma knelt down in front of her, examining the assassin more closely. "I feel like I've seen her before, but I can't remember where," Kazuma said, shaking his head. "Did we fight her when we attacked the Lord of the Tomb before?"
"I do not recall fighting any maids," Darkness said. "Nor seeing such strange weapons. And yet, I cannot shake the feeling that I should know her. You, who are you?"
"Designation C-C-C-, error, access denied, in-in-insufficient credentials," the maid said in an electronic voice. "Initiating self-"
Darkness' fist slammed into the robot's head, which exploded in a fountain of gore and metallic parts. "An assassin of some sort, based on her stealth abilities," she said grimly, shaking her fist to get rid of the filth.
"Yeah. The other one, she said she was level 20. How strong was this one?" Kazuma asked, taking the battered gun from the corpse. It had a distinctive scifi look to it, and was made of gleaming silver metal. Unfortunately it was ruined now, though it looked powerful.
"I am not certain. Her attacks did reduce my HP, at least a little, and she damaged my adamantois armor. Perhaps as high as level 60?" Darkness guessed.
"Wait, if she's level 60, how high are you?" Uraraka asked, looking faintly ill and trying to hide it.
"I was the third highest level in our party, so level 69," Darkness explained. "However, my skills in defense were such that I was equivalent to someone of a much higher level, though there were few in Belzerg who were that powerful."
"Lord Kazuma! What has happened?"
Kazuma turned to see Frederik running, sword in hand, followed by a dozen knights and mages.
"Assasination attempt," Kazuma said, gesturing to the corpses. "Lucky we got here when we did. Well, luck has always been my best stat."
"Assassins? From the Lord of the Tomb?" Frederik asked, looking puzzled. "But why? Their armor is far superior to ours, what need have they for treachery and deception?"
"I don't know," Kazuma said slowly. "But...thinking back, it was kinda weird that those high level Death Knights and a lich showed up right when we did. The Lord of the Tomb… he always fought, I don't know, differently. It's almost like...almost like he's some sort of power gamer, who knows the strategies Adventurers would use. I remember his forces attacked Axel first, which was the town where Adventurers just started off. It seemed weird, the Devil King had always ignored low level threats, but this guy is different."
"Was not the Devil King someone summoned from Japan who defeated the previous Devil King?" Darkness asked. "Could not this Lord of the Tomb be the same way?"
"Maybe," Kazuma admitted. "Whoever he is, it seems like he's read the Evil Overlord list. He's not making many mistakes we could exploit. If Fred here got iced, that would really throw the defense into shambles."
"There is a chain of command," Frederik said with a shake of his head. But then he paled. "But, most of the lords and maguses with experience were gathered together this night to plan. If these assassins had struck and taken us all out…"
"Well, it didn't happen, so why worry about it?" Kazuma laughed. "See, we got this in the bag! Now, I think I'll just repair Darkness' armor, and get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow, we'll destroy the Tomb King's army, and start on beating up the bastard himself!"
That got a ragged cheer, and Kazuma smiled and waved, then walked away with his party.
"How bad is it?" Uraraka asked once they were a sufficient distance away.
"Bad. Really bad. If they've got a bunch of strong fighters like that to throw at us, we're in hot water," Kazuma said. "But those cannons might make the difference against that massive army out to knock our teeth in. Besides, don't worry. I'm the man with the plan. I'll think of something, no matter what happens." He had to.
"Do not fear. Kazuma always has a plan. We have faced countless foes stronger than us, and his plans always delivered us in the end," Darkness said, which seemed to reassure Uraraka and Tokoyami.
They didn't see the look that passed between Kazuma and Darkness. What about the time when his plan had gotten everyone killed?