Beta'd and edited by The Evil Within
Chapter 15: Tokusentai!
Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew, today.
-The Impressive Clergyman, The Princess Bride
It felt decidedly odd to Izuku to be sitting with his classmates at a table for a meal. When was the last time he'd done this? He counted back, trying to calculate just how long they'd been in this world. More than two months, he guessed, though it was entirely possible that time passed differently here. So, he was probably 16 now. That still seemed a bit young to be getting married, but, if Izuku had to share a bed with Mei again for another night he wasn't really sure what he was going to do, but he knew for damn sure he wasn't ending up like his parents.
Plus, you know, he was entirely likely to die again in the next few days, so why not actually try and enjoy life a little while he had it?
"This feels weird, right? It's not just me?" Uraraka asked again, picking at her meal with her fork and knife. Little changes like that were something Izuku had needed to get used to, as chopsticks were apparently unknown here.
"It does feel odd to once more be sitting at a meal with you all," Tokoyami agreed. "Almost as though we should be in the cafeteria at UA, talking about an upcoming test."
"I never ate in the cafeteria, lunch time is valuable time which could be used for making babies!" Mei stated as she speared a sausage. Izuku had finally managed to persuade her that one could not live on sugar alone. "But sitting with Izuku and you two is fun, so I guess I can wait. Plus, we will be making different kinds of babies later and that sounds really interesting too!"
Uraraka shook her head slowly. "You know, I seriously didn't think I'd see Izuku getting married before we even graduated from UA, but here we are. And it doesn't even sound like the worst idea I've heard all day. Congratulations by the way, I guess?"
"Um, thanks," Izuku said, looking nervously at Mei. Was this really a good idea? Then she smiled at him, and his lower brain affirmed that it was indeed an excellent idea. "So, er, what have the two of you done since you got here?"
"Killed monsters, got laid!" Dark Shadow squawked gleefully. .
"That, er, isn't an entirely inaccurate statement," Tokoyami admitted. "We first fought a creature known as the Duke of Terror, a giant cockroach. It was, ah, more dangerous than it sounds. It was in a cave, and, we, that is when Darkness and I began our...relationship." Tokoyami blushed through his feathers, finding his vegetables especially interesting.
"We've spent all our time either fighting, training, or travelling. Or some weird combination of the three. This world really is different than the one we left behind. The suffering we've seen...It's been making me think, mostly about how lucky we've been before all this," Uraraka said quietly. "I used to want to be a hero just for the money, and I still do want to get rich but...but I could never just stand by and watch when people needed help. I've had nightmares of if those monsters we've faced ever came back home..."
Mei nodded and grinned, missing the dour mood as she held up her crossbow. "We have been making super cute babies! You have seen my crossbow, but I also made an aluminum refinery, a steam powered electrical generator, Izuku's special baby for his armor, invented new smelting and refining methods, and developed a variety of explosives! I saw the cannons you made, those are very nice! I have thought of several upgrades we can make, such as breech loading mechanisms, recoil for the barrels, explosive shells, and a mechanical target and range finder!"
"I guess you weren't kidding about starting an industrial revolution, were you?" Uraraka whistled, sounding impressed. "You're pretty smart. I gotta admit, I wasn't really sure when Izuku asked you to be on our team back at the Sports Festival, but you were a good choice. I'm glad you came with us, Hatsume."
"Thank you! Even if I did accidentally blow up the world. I did not think about how your quirk uses anti-gravity and the interaction that would have with my baby," Mei admitted.
"Neither did I, but hey, if that hadn't happened, we wouldn't have gotten to go on this adventure together! It's been scary, and strange, but in the end I think I've made some good friends and it's been, well, kinda fun," Uraraka giggled.
"Even Kazuma?" Izuku asked, smiling as they glanced over at the table next to theirs. Their four odd companions were all talking happily, sharing in food and drink that had been provided by the grateful city. They were all triumphantly returned to the Kaiser's palace, where a grand celebration was already being held outside their private meal hall.
"As strange as it may sound, they do have a certain charm to them, even if they are decidedly odd," Tokoyami said.
"He just enjoys the sex," Dark Shadow squawked. "Darkness said they're goin' all the way tonight!"
"I seriously can't believe I'm going to be the only virgin at the end of this," Uraraka sighed, before draining her mug of ale.
"Don't worry, we don't think you're a NEET like Aqua is," Mei assured her. "Besides, I am sure you will find someone nice! There are lots of guys here, maybe you will like one of them!"
"Nah, I'm going home. Relationships are too expensive anyway. Best to stay single and save money," Uraraka said, pouring herself another mug.
"Yeah," Izuku agreed, fiddingling with his silverware. "You think...you think we can beat this Lord of the Tomb? From what Aqua and Megumin said, he's already conquered a bunch of worlds. I know we've managed to beat all the generals and stuff so far, but...he just sounds a lot more dangerous."
"Of course we can!" Mei declared. "We're all back together again! We can do anything!"
"Yeah, I hope you're right," Izuku agreed. He managed to smile. "But hey, we're supposed to celebrate right?"
A short time later, Marquess Blois came to collect Izuku, while Megumin took no time in spiriting Mei away. Marriage practices in this world differed slightly from those Izuku were familiar with, though getting dressed up in your finest was still a part of it. Izuku ended up having to borrow a fine velvet doublet and hose, along with a sable fur cloak. He declined a sword however, and once Marquess Blois told the story of how Izuku had literally punched multiple dragons to death, it was agreed he did not require one.
The ceremony was to take place in the Great Hall of the Kaiser's palace, before assembled dignitaries from two previously hostile nations. It felt decidedly surreal and odd to Izuku, and he was more than a little nervous and worried, wondering what and would go wrong. After all, what would his mother think? But then the music started, and Izuku didn't have much time to worry anymore.
He, along with Tokoyami, Kazuma, and Marquess Blois strode out into the main hall in a diamond formation, to where Aqua was standing atop the dais at the end of the hall. She smiled at Izuku, winking mischievously.
"Who approaches the Goddess of Water, Aqua?" she demanded, doing her best to sound imperious.
"Lord Izuku Midoriya, the Wolfbane, hero of two realms and defender of the Axis Faith," Marquess Blois proclaimed.
"What does he seek this day?" Aqua asked, turning to the next in line.
"He seeks the hand of a maiden, to join his own." Tokoyami declared.
Aqua nodded seriously. "Is he brave and true, and will he protect and succor her always?"
"I mean, the dude punched a werewolf in half and drop kicked a dragon, apparently." Kazuma said with a shrug. "Plus, he can't be a worse cook than Hatsume from what I've heard."
Izuku had to stifle nervous giggles at Kazuma's rather colorful and inappropriate response. Blois looked mortified, but Tokoyami merely rolled his eyes while the Kaiser actually barked out a laugh, by now apparently taking a liking to Kazuma's rather novel way of speaking.
"Kazuma!" Aqua hissed. "Stick to the script!"
"Urgh, fine. Ye, verily, Sir Wolfsbane is the baddest of asses and hath slain many a foul beast, and wilt surely provide good eats and a house or something," Kazuma said in a mocking tone.
Aqua gave Kazuma a death glare, before smiling sweetly. "But where is the maiden that he seeks?"
That was when the lights went out, black curtains falling over the windows. The assembled dignitaries gasped in shock, while Aqua let out a squeal. "Dammit Megumin!"
But it was too late. A bright light started to shine on the side door that Mei's party was supposed to come out of.
"Tremble, mortals, for a maiden approaches!" Megumin's voice, distorted and echoing from amplification proclaimed. "Behold! The High Priestess of the Crimson Demon Cult! The Inventor of the Cutest Babies in the Entire Land! And the hottest bride in town!"
"ME!" Mei shouted, jumping out of the door, her arms spread wide. She was wearing not the bridal gown that had been selected for her, but rather a long leather jacket like a duster, along with a pink blouse and brown trousers, and of course, her goggles.
"That's not the line, you've got to say it!" Megumin hissed, sticking her head out of the door.
"Oh, right." Mei snapped her fingers, before suddenly striking a pose, going up on one leg and sticking her hands out. "Super Bridal Party, Assemble!"
Megumin slid out of the door, crouching low with her arms out at her sides pointing down. "Megumin! The Maid of Honor, and Mistress of Explosions!"
Darkness twirled out of the door in her repaired armor, striking a pose while flexing one arm and pointing skyward with the other. "Darkness! The toughest of the bridesmaids, and mistress of defense!"
Uraraka jumped out, crouching above Megumin between Darkness and Mei, making a double V sign by her face. "Uraravity, the Sanest of the bridesmaids, she who thought this was really silly but went along with it for her friends and a medium sized bribe!"
"And me!" Mei Hatsume! The bride, the smartest one and the inventor of super cute babies, she who will marry Izuku today! Super bridal party!"
"Where evil rears its ugly face," Megumin purred.
Darkness smiled. "We'll take the field, with poise and grace!"
"We'll save the day, never fear," Uraraka cheered
"Because me, Mei the bride, is here!" Mei cackled.
"Wow," Kazuma said, shaking his head. "Didn't realize Megumin had been watching Super Sentai."
"What?!" Megumin cried, jumping up as the others relaxed into a normal position, mirroring the boys. "That was totally the Ginyu Force from Dragon Ball Z!"
"Yeah. So, a Super Sentai knock off," Kazuma agreed. He looked to Izuku. "Right? Back me up here man."
Izuku, however, was too busy clutching his stomach and laughing. He'd been nervous before, but those feelings were completely forgotten.
"Yeah, I've never heard of either of those," Tokoyami said with a shrug. "But it was certainly, ah, something. We should practice something like that for when we go into battle."
"Will you all shut up!?" Aqua demanded. "You are ruining my wedding ceremony!"
"Oh relax Aqua, this is Hatsume's show. Besides, Izuku seemed to enjoy it, and that's what matters," Kazuma said. He gave Megumin a thumbs up. "Ten points!"
"Yes!" Megumin said, grinning as the girls walked up to the dias. "I told you all the practice would pay off."
"That was fun! We should do weddings more often!" Mei said, grinning widely at Izuku. "What did you think? That was way better than all the boring stuff!"
"I loved it," Izuku said, going over to take Mei's hands in his own. "It was definitely more you than anything else I thought would happen."
"Can we get this back on track already?!" Aqua demanded.
"Oh just get to the good part already," Mei said. "We all know we're both going to say yes anyway!"
Aqua rolled her eyes. "Fine, we'll do it your way. Look, Izuku, do you love Mei and want to marry her?"
"Yes," Izuku said, the dopey grin appearing back on his face.
"Super. Hatsume, you-"
"I love Izuku very much and want to marry him and make lots of babies together! And not just the invention kind!" Mei interrupted.
Aqua sighed with a hand on her face. "Great. By the power vested in me, I-"
There was a loud bang, and flames spurted up behind Izuku and Mei, making both of them jump in surprise.
"THEN WE REND REALITY ASUNDER! BEHOLD! FOREVER MORE, THESE TWO SHALL BE JOINED AS ONE! GO FORTH, AND KICK ASS IN MY NAME!" Megumin cried. Izuku then finally noticed that two of her cultists had placed braziers full of coals behind them, which were now blazing with flames. He had thought those were for the celebration meal...
"No! I join these two in holy Matrimony, and I, Aqua, Goddess of WATER!" A deluge of water suddenly descended upon the braziers, quenching the fires, but also completely soaking the wedding party and the first couple rows of guests. "Do bind these two in holy matrimony!"
"YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE!" Megumin cackled.
"Kindle," Kazuma said, as he and Tokoyami held up two flares, each coming to life, spraying the stage in sparks.
Izuku and Mei finally came together, their mouths meeting as they ignored the chaos around them, and instead found solace in one another, even as a ranting Aqua began chasing a giggling Megumin around the dias.
They separated, grinning and holding each other.
"That," Blois said, wiping water off his face. "Was perhaps the most bizzare wedding I have ever seen."
"Stick around," Dark Shadow chuckled, now shrunken and sitting on Tokoyami's shoulder. "With this bunch around, something weirder is bound to happen!"
"I do not doubt that, strange demon," Blois agreed. He shrugged and smiled. "Well my lord, shall I show you to the wedding suite?"
"Yes!" Mei said enthusiastically. "We're going to have sex!"
Blois coughed, going red and trying in vain to hide a smile. "Um, yes, that is the traditional activity after one is wed. Come."
Izuku and Mei were led to a lavish suite consisting of rooms consisting of a giant four poster bed, and a large assortment of other amenities ensuring complete privacy. They were then left alone, still dripping wet, on a lush rug.
"Um, well, you er, look nice," Izuku managed, unsure of how to proceed from here. Not that he didn't understand the general mechanics of the thing, just that now he was here, he wasn't certain on what to do.
"I'm wet and cold." Mei complained. "Aren't you? Come on, help me take these off."
After that, Izuku figured things out pretty quickly. Even in the midst of the most terrifying time of his life, he had managed to find joy.
Author's Note:
So there it is. Easily the dumbest thing I've ever written. I would say I'm sorry, but I find this chapter to be the most hilarious one yet.
And yes. I set up the Mei/Izuku ship just so I could have this wedding chapter.