JailHouse Rock

Prison changed me! I'm bad to the core now!

-Aqua "Thug Life" Mizu

Thud. Thud. Thud.

"They're not going to break if you keep banging your head against them," Tokoyami told Kazuma.

"Maybe it will break my head then," Kazuma muttered, and continued banging his head against their prison door. How could he have been so stupid? Of course Aqua had screwed up and gotten herself into trouble, but that was no reason for the rest of them to just attack like that. Well, maybe a little bit of a reason. There was that whole "everyone's trying to kill us" thing they'd just gotten away from.

Their prison was far from the damp, dimly lit one in Axel. Instead, it was incredibly well lit, to the point of being nearly blinding. That made sense, as the cops apparently knew all about Dark Shadow. They didn't seem to know much about Kazuma though, as their prison had a simple digital lock on it. He didn't know if he could pick it, but he frankly didn't see the point in trying right now anyway.

"I hate this world," Kazuma grumbled, continuing to pound his head against the bars. "Why can't I just go somewhere peaceful?"

Tokoyami shifted, moving from the corner to come sit with his back resting against the bars by Kazuma, which finally got him to quit banging his head. Dark Shadow was the size of a mouse, hiding in Tokoyami's pocket and whimpering. "It will be alright. We shall explain: you are foreign, and did not know the laws well."

"I'm not foreign Tokoyami, remember? I'm the NEET from Nagino," Kazuma sighed, his throbbing head still pressed up against the bars.

"Ah. Well, er, we're children, so perhaps we shall get off lightly?" Tokoyami suggested. Kazuma gave him a flat look, and Tokoyami relented. "Alright. It's pretty bad. I… don't know what my parents will say. I am not looking forward to the conversation, I confess. But… we shall come through this, together."

"What, you're not pissed at me?" Kazuma asked. "I mean, we're probably going to get kicked out of a fancy school like UA for pulling shit like this. Sure, I don't really care, but it has to matter to you."

Tokoyami considered that quietly for a while, then shrugged. "I was going to UA to learn to become a hero. I'd like to think you taught me how to do that, Kazuma."

That made Kazuma bark out a laugh. "Me? Are you serious?"

"Of course. You and Darkness have both shown me what it means to be a true hero. Your willingness to sacrifice yourself for others, your-"

"Ok, no," Kazuma said, scowling and turning towards Tokoyami. "I do not sacrifice myself for others. Other people can get bent; I don't give a shit about a bunch of NPCs."

"Then why were you so willing to sacrifice yourself to save Hauptstadt?" Tokoyami countered.

"I didn't do that for Kaiser Fred and his randos! I did that for Darkness and you and Uraraka! You're my friends. You I care about. Everyone else? Whatever, the Lord of the Tomb can zombify them for all I care," Kazuma declared.

For a moment, Tokoyami studied Kazuma's face, then he shook his head. "You actually think you believe that, don't you?"

"Damn right I do," Kazuma stated, folding his arms over his chest. He felt a slight pang of guilt that he tried to ignore, and continued talking to try to banish it. "Look, Tokoyami, you're young. Yeah, yeah, I know, we look like we're the same age and shit. But listen. You can't save everyone, see? You try, you end up dead, your friends end up dead, and then what was the point? You get yours, you make sure the people you love are safe, and to hell with the rest. Because life sucks, and if you try to save everyone, you won't save anyone."

"Hmmm. We shall see. I think you're more heroic than you think you are, Kazuma. You could have fled with Darkness and the rest of us, you know."

Kazuma was about to argue the point, when he felt a familiar twing, and his blood suddenly ran cold. "Oh shit. OH SHIT! HEY, HEY, OFFICER, SOMEONE! THERE'S A VILLAIN COMING IN! JESUS CHRIST LET US OUT, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL!"

"What?!" Tokoyami demanded, jumping to his feet. "What is it?!"

"Very strong undead, and a demon," Kazuma gasped, rattling the bars. "YO! Someone get your ass over here! They're going to slaughter you all!"

A policeman stuck his head in, which looked like a cat's, frowning at Kazuma. "Calm down kid, your parents are going to be here soon. You're in enough trouble already."

"You dumb son of a bitch, you're all going to die!" Kazuma ranted. "And so am I! Screw this! Pick Lock!" Kazuma pointed his finger at the lock, and there was an electronic warble and a click. The cop's eyes went wide, and he reached for his gun, but Kazuma stuck his hand out. "Steal!"

The officer's weapon appeared in Kazuma's grip, and he pointed it at the lights. "Snipe! Snipe! Snipe!" His skill proved to work just as well with a gun as it did with a bow and arrow, and the lights all went out.

"Get ready!" Kazuma said to Tokoyami. "How's Dark Shadow?"

"I'M BACK BITCHES!" Dark Shadow roared, erupting out of Tokoyami's pocket and flexing in the darkness. "Let's party!"

"I need back up," the cop was shouting into his radio. "The prisoners, they're-"

"Shut up and get behind me!" Kazuma ordered, shoving the policecat behind him. "These guys are strong, understand? Like, level a city strong. Where are the girls?!"

The police cat blinked, his eyes glowing in the dim light. "What are-you're serious?"

"Look, take your damn gun and get ready," Kazuma snarled, pushing the weapon at the officer. "If things go south, run like hell. Find Izuku Midoriya, Katsuki Bakugo, and Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg. They might be able to handle the hell that's about to break loose here, because I'm pretty damn sure the Lord of the Tomb just found us."

"I'm not just going to abandon my post! You're my prisoners, I-"

Tokoyami cut the officer off. "It is best to listen to him. This could mean the destruction of Japan if we do not act quickly. Get a hold of All Might, or possibly Endeavor. They might be able to hold the line."

The officer was silent for a moment, then pointed. "Your friends are down the hall that way. Here's the key card." He picked up his radio, the spoke into it, "All units, all units, be advised we have an Omega level villain threat at Mufusu Precinct #303. Repeat, this is an Omega level villain threat: alert the pro heroes and begin evacuation."

"What?" a voice crackled over the radio. "What are you-"

"Just get All Might!" Policecat growled. "We've got a prisoner break out and worse going on here!"

Kazuma dashed down the hall, only to bump into Darkness with her sword drawn. "Aqua sensed demons and undead, I take it you did as well?"

Behind her, a frightened looking police woman with her weapon drawn was listening to Uraraka whisper in her ear, while Aqua and Megumin had their weapons out, ready to fight.

"Yeah, how'd you get out?" Kazuma asked, facing the door that led to where he was sensing the threat and conjuring up Chunchumaru.

"The bars are not so tough when Aqua blesses me," Darkness said grimly. "I shall go first. Be ready."

"Right behind you," Tokoyami said, and Dark Shadow growled eagerly.

"FOR BELZERG AND QUEEN IRIS!" Darkness roared, and charged not the door, but the wall itself. She barreled right through, Tokoyami behind her.

"SACRED EXORCISM!" Aqua bellowed, pointing her hands through the gap. There was the sound of the clang of metal and bellows from Dark Shadow, then a series of explosions that ripped apart the room. Kazuma dashed through as the temperature suddenly dropped like a rock, the surfaces of the station suddenly riming with frost.

Giant spikes of ice flew through the air, two impaling Dark Shadow. "BEGONE DEMON! YOU SHALL HARM NO INNOCENTS HERE!"

"Ahaha! You are strong, but you cannot defeat moi! I confess, your skill astounds me, o perverted crusader. Did someone teach you how to handle that lump of metal you call a sword?"

That was when the far wall exploded, and of all things, one of the teachers from the school burst into the station. "FEAR NOT! FOR I AM HERE!"

"WAIT!" Kazuma shouted. "TIME OUT! I CALL TIMEOUT! PAUSE! SHIT, TIMEOUT!"

For a wonder, everyone froze. Scattered papers fluttered through the air as the combatants all stood still, breathing heavily. Darkness had a lump of earth pinned down with her sword through it, while a mask atop yet another mound of earth was rapidly reforming into the shape of a man. Wiz had her foot on Tokoyami's throat, a conjured spear of ice inches from his beak, while Dark Shadow was struggling to free itself from an icy cage. The teacher, for his part, had frozen with a fist that was nearly brushing Wiz's cheek.

And that was when Aqua popped up, pointed a hand at Wiz, and said, "TURN UN-"

Kazuma karate chopped the back of the idiot goddess' neck, and she gasped and stumbled. "I said timeout, dammit!"

"But Kazuma, they're evil now!" Aqua said, pointing to Wiz and Vanir. "They were running Axel for the Lord of the Tomb! They're bad guys!"

"Wait, is that true?" Kazuma demanded, turning his head to Vanir who had just finished reforming.

"It is true, moi and our dear Wiz were indeed the rulers of Axel in the name of the Tomb, oh imprisoned young man who should learn the local customs better, but that is not the entire story!"

"We were trying to save people!" Wiz said, tears forming on her cheeks, then immediately freezing in the chill air. "We helped Eris lead a rebellion! We- we succeeded, too! We were driving the Tomb's forces from this world, but then, that damned smug smiling Director Koizumi showed up and-"

"Ok, ok, just stop," Kazuma sighed. He turned to the policecat, who was looking utterly baffled. "Look, sorry, false alarm. Cancel that threat level Omega or whatever. Turns out, these are the good kinds of demons and undead. Sorry for the trouble. Come on guys, back to prison. Good grief. I don't even want to know how much debt I'm going to be in now…"

"Debt!?" Aqua wailed. "I don't want to be in debt again! They can't take all my stuff, I just got it! I already have to be a human, I can't be a poor one too!"

"Oh just shut up already," Kazuma muttered, shoving Aqua towards the cells. "Come on, back inside."

"Um, that may be a problem," Darkness said, flushing. "I, er, sort of ripped the door off of ours."

"Great. More debt. Come on, we'll share. I guess it's big enough if you guys don't mind getting cozy," Kazuma said.

"Seriously? That was a false alarm?" Uraraka said as they all headed back to the darkened jail. "You know those guys?"

"Yeah, they're mostly harmless, even if they were generals in the Devil King's army," Megumin said as they went inside. "Wiz is a shopkeeper, and Vanir helps her out."

"If you can call her that, she's got worse business sense than a man selling sand in the desert," Kazuma said, grunting and pulling the door shut. It was a bit of a tight fit, but at least that gave him an excuse to press up against Megumin. "What the hell are they even doing here?"

"Kazuma, Kazuma!" Aqua whispered, shaking his sleeve.

"That's my name," he said evenly.

"I...I have to...I have to...pee…"

Kazuma eyed Aqua. "Are you serious? We were just outside!"

"I know, but um, I mean, I'm not really used to having to going to the bathroom, and then there was all that excitement, but now…" Aqua trailed off, sniffling.

"Fine. Megumin, show her how to handle it," Kazuma said. He pointed his finger at the lock. "Pick Lock."

Megumin took Aqua outside, where the puzzled looking policecat was looking on. "Um, excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?"

"Er, down the hall, to the right," the policecat said. "I think it's still intact."

"Thanks. We'll be right back."

The policecat watched the two girls go, then turned to Kazuma. "You know, most people don't have a prison break, call time out, then go right back to prison, or just let themselves out to go to the bathroom whenever they feel like it."

"Yeah, sorry, it's her first day being human," Kazuma said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head. Then he froze. "Shit. Forget I said that. Um, she's just got a nervous bladder."

"Nervous bladder. Right. I'm just going to go talk to All Might, and try to explain to him why I called an Omega level threat on your guardians," the policecat sighed, then turned and left.

"Wait, guardians? OH HELL NO! I am not going to be the ward of that smirking jerkass demon!" Kazuma shouted. "You come right back here, Mister! I demand to be emancipated right now! I'm really 200 years old, you know!"

"My parents are going to kill me," Uraraka groaned. "I managed to get expelled from school on my first day, and cause billions in property damage."

"You did not have to aid us, Uraraka. We could say you were our captive, or that we compelled you somehow," Darkness offered.

"No, it's fine. I'd rather stick by my friends even when they're idiots then turn my back on you. Considering how many times you all saved my life, it's only fair," Uraraka said. "I just wish I had some of that gold from the baroness or Kaiser. Maybe that would help a little…instead all I have is my sword back home, that can't be worth too much."

Megumin and Aqua came back, Aqua looking utterly disgusted. "Being a mortal is so gross. Ugh, I hate having to go pee."

"Did you at least wash your hands?" Kazuma demanded as he picked the lock again to let them back inside.

"I am a goddess of water! I am naturally pure, I don't need to-" Aqua's face fell, and she started to sob.

Megumin pulled her into a hug, grimacing at Kazuma. "She washed her hands. I am not looking forward to the first time she has to go poop."

"Forget that, we're going to have to explain periods to her, aren't we?" Uraraka complained, rubbing at her temples.

Kazuma stuck his fingers in his ears. "La-lala-lala, I'm not listening! I don't want to hear about that crap!"

"Oh, you're going to get to hear all about it now," Megumin said, giving him a smug grin. "We're dating. Just you wait. You'll have to deal with it, same as I do. Now, I think it's only fair, since you made all those PMS jokes before, that you have to-"

"Ehem." All Might coughed politely, apparently having been standing outside of their cell for some time as they bickered.

Urakaka let out a squeak and suddenly stood at attention, while Tokoyami straightened and went to parade rest, hands behind his back. Even Dark Shadow stopped squeezing Darkness' melons and flew to Tokoyami's shoulder, saluting.

"What, you here to expel us?" Kazuma said, going over to the bars and looking up at their giant of a teacher. "Whatever, we get it. We-"

"All Might!" Aqua wailed, shoving Kazuma roughly to the side and poking her arms through the bars. "You have to save me! They're being super mean! You remember how I healed you, right? Well you totally owe me one! You're like, famous or something here, right? So talk to the police! They have to let me out, I'm too delicate for prison! I don't want to have to get a tattoo and join the Yakuza! Tattoos hurt!"

"Oh, so you're just going to ditch us?" Kazuma demanded, rounding on Aqua.

"Shh! It's my plan! I'll get All Might to let me out, then I'll sneak back and get the rest of you," Aqua said in a conspiratorial tone. "Trust me, I'm in good with this guy and he seems pretty important."

"You know we could have just gotten away at any time, right Aqua?" Megumin asked. "I could blow the prison up, or Darkness could just bend the bars again."

"Oh." Aqua turned back to All Might and smiled. "Never mind! Pretend you didn't hear that. So, um, what's up? You need more healing or something? It's free, but, um, we really could use a hand here…"

"Aqua!" Uraraka hissed. "That's All Might. Didn't Midoriya tell you about him?! He's the Number 1 Pro Hero, the Symbol of Peace!"

"Oh, wow, cool. How many Devil King's did he defeat? 'Cause I'm on like, two. Two and a half maybe," Kazuma bragged.

All Might slowly shook his head. "You really are from another world, aren't you?"

Uraraka closed her eyes and let out a slow hiss of air. "Midoriya told you, didn't he? I should have known when I saw him sneak off with you…"

"Um, yes!" Aqua said quickly. She leaned up close to the bars again. "Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually a super powerful goddess in exile. If you help me out, I'll grant you a Blessing!"

"I know," All Might rumbled, an odd look flashing over his face. "Midoriya has informed me of your...exploits."

"He told you she was a useless idiot then?" Kazuma asked, jerking his thumb at Aqua. "I mean, she did used to be a goddess and all, but she's really dumb."

"KAZUMA!" Aqua snarled, elbowing Kazuma in the gut. "Stop ruining my chances with the locals! I'll never get a new cult founded if people don't think I'm amazing!"

"I think it's best if we don't have this conversation while you're all pretending to be in jail," All Might said. "Come. We're going back to UA to have a long discussion. I take it I should bring your 'guardians' with us?"

"I mean, sure, why not. That way, I can deck Vanir in his smug, prick face," Kazuma agreed. "Guardian my ass. I bet this was all his idea or something."

"Why don't we hold off on the violence until after we establish what's going on here?" All Might said. "I should have rounded you all up and had this conversation before you left school. Letting you loose in the world was an accident waiting to happen."

In later years, All Might would come to marvel at just how apropos his turn of phrase had been, though not for the reasons he'd intended.