"So, Saturday night," Rachel said suddenly.
We were closing up the pub together on Wednesday evening. Kyle had closed up the kitchen and headed home already, which left only me, Rachel, and Noah cleaning up the dining room area and locking up for the night. Noah was currently out finishing the last of the tables while Rachel and I finished cleaning up the kitchen, as well as the dirty dishes from the tables we'd cleaned ourselves.
"What about Saturday night?" I asked, turning to shoot her a look of amusement.
"Are you available?"
"Aren't I always?" I asked with a raised eyebrow as I pulled off my apron and tossed it in the dirty apron basket.
"No," she said, "I never seem to know when you're going to be off with Fred and George." She sighed and gazed at me sadly.
I snorted and raised an eyebrow at her. "Come on, Rach."
"Okay, okay," she said. "I was going to ask if you'd want to join the ever so fabulous Leaky Cauldron crew at a pub that is ironically not the Leaky Cauldron."
"Hogsmeade outing again?" I asked.
She nodded. "Pretty much the same people as last time. Me, Kayla, Allie, Noah...his friend, Alex. And Chris."
"Your cousin who is also Kayla's boyfriend?" I asked.
She nodded. "Yeah, you know, all the usual people. In fact, you can invite the twins if you'd like."
"Maybe," I said with a shrug as I leaned against the counter and bit my lip. I hadn't mentioned to anyone my plan to leave on Sunday night. No one knew that I'd gone as far as packing a bag and leaving a note. No one except Fred. It felt strange for some reason. I almost felt guilty. I had nearly walked out on these people and they had no idea. But there was no point in telling them now. I hadn't left after all.
I also hadn't heard from Fred again since Sunday. He'd stayed in my room for a while longer before sneaking out of my window again. We'd talked about the diary and what we thought would happen with Elizabeth. But we left anything too personal out of it for the rest of the time we were together. No more mentions of Percy or my past. Once we moved on from the diary, we'd actually sat there and talked about...ourselves. We got to know each other on a more basic level.
We now knew each other's favorite colors, favorite subjects, favorite foods, and what we liked to do for fun. I'd told him I used to like to ice skate and how I'd go with my mother. I told him the story of how she had taught me to skate. I told him that she and I had planned to travel together all over the place. New York, Paris, London. I mentioned I liked to read. But I didn't go any deeper into my past. I think we both felt like we needed to keep things basic for the time being. Take a break from the heavier parts of our lives. Like Fred had said, our entire relationship had started with the hard stuff first. It felt good now to get the easier things out of the way. I'd almost never been so happy to be asked what my favorite color was.
Fred also told me about some of his and George's pranks. He told me about the time when Bill taught him and George to swim in the pond. He told me about playing Quidditch-both in his own backyard and at school. He told me about Ottery St. Catchpole, where the Burrow was, and he told me about London.
I'd asked him again about the day he and George had dropped out of school, but Fred had smiled deviously and shaken his head. "I have to save something for later," he'd said.
"Later?" I asked.
"To keep you from trying to leave again. The suspense will simply be too much and you'll have to stay here. However could you possibly leave without knowing the greatest story of all time?"
I'd let out a snort of laughter and rolled my eyes. "I'm not sure it's a good enough piece of blackmail to keep me here."
"Ah, but you'd be wrong," Fred argued. "It's a fantastic piece of blackmail."
Even despite Fred refusing to tell me about his grand exit from Hogwarts, I found myself telling him about growing up in Salem. How much I'd explored it and enjoyed it, especially as a young girl, but did it less and less as I got older. It was a charming place, but I'd lost some of the ability, and even the desire, to see it as I got older. Unfortunately.
I was pulled out of my thoughts of Sunday night by Rachel's voice. "So will you at least come out on Saturday?" She asked me, taking off her own apron and tossing it into the laundry basket.
I shrugged and exhaled slowly through my nose. "Sure, I guess so."
"Will you stay the whole time?" Rachel asked hopefully, turning to me. "Please?"
I smiled. "I can't say no when you ask me so nicely."
"Oh great!" Rachel said excitedly. "What are you going to wear? If you ask me, I think you should wear that dark colored pair of jeans. And maybe that flowy purple shirt with the cutouts on the shoulders."
"You're the expert," I said with a shrug.
"Rachel's an expert on something?" Noah asked in mock surprise as he entered the room with the last of the dirty dishes.
"Shut up, Noah, I happen to be an expert on a lot of things," she argued. "For example, the proper attire when working at a pub." She eyed Noah's apron, which he was dragging on the ground by the string.
"We're closed, Rach," he said, rolling his eyes at me as he patted Rachel's shoulder. "No one's out there to care and I couldn't wait to take this ruddy thing off." He swung the apron in a circle by its string and tossed it into the laundry basket before dumping his bin of dirty dishes into the sink and waving his wand to get the washing started.
"Sophie's coming out with us on Saturday," Rachel announced proudly. "And she's not going to leave early. And she's going to wear some of the new clothes we got when we went shopping." She looked at Noah with a wide smile. "She's going to look very good. I'd even go as far as to say...hot even."
I nearly dove headfirst into the sink out of embarrassment. Instead, I rapidly shook my head. "Rachel, no."
"Really," Noah commented in response to Rachel as he turned to me with a raised eyebrow.
"I'm going to look very...normal," I said matter of factly.
"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" Noah teased. "How about this-if I end up siding with Rachel, you have to go out with me again-okay fine, hang out," he amended when he saw the look on my face. "But if I agree with you and think you just look normal, then I won't bother you anymore."
"That's not fair in the least," I argued.
"Why, because you know Rachel's right?" Noah asked.
"No, because you can easily just say you agree with Rachel so I'll hang out with you. This is only a matter of opinion. You can't make deals based on opinions."
"Who says?" Rachel asked coyly, grabbing her bag from the hook in the corner. She turned and wiggled her fingers in a wave. "I'll let you two figure this out together. I'm off for the night, bye," she said quickly. And then she hurried through the back door.
"Sometimes I could just..." I trailed off and sighed as I smiled. As much as I should be irritated with Rachel and as much as a part of me was irritated with her for leaving me alone with someone who kept trying to ask me out, I couldn't be mad at her. She was just too likeable.
"Sometimes you could just give her a good shake, but you like her too much?" Noah suggested.
I nodded. "Exactly."
"I know," Noah said, hoisting himself up to sit on the counter. I watched him in amusement. Kyle, Tom, and Martha would each have a fit if they knew he was sitting there, but Noah didn't seem to care. He kicked his heels against the side of the counter as he continued. "Rachel and I have been friends since Hogwarts."
"How'd you meet? Weren't you two in different houses?" I asked, remembering Noah telling me that he'd been in Ravenclaw and Rachel in Hufflepuff.
He nodded. "We had Potions together first year," he said. "I took the blame when Rachel accidentally blew up her cauldron."
"She blew up her cauldron?" I asked, a laugh escaping my throat.
Noah laughed with me and nodded again. "That girl could burn water. She can't even make a decent cup of tea, never mind a potion. She practically scraped by in class by the skin of her neck. And that was even with me tutoring her."
I smiled. "Funny that she works in a pub, then," I said.
"She just delivers the food, doesn't make it," Noah said. "That's her defense every time I tease her about working here."
I smiled. "You two are really close, aren't you?" I asked. "I can tell. I can tell by the way you talk about her that you think the world of her."
Noah nodded. "Yeah. She's really energetic-sometimes a little too energetic. But she's got a heart of gold."
"Sounds to me like you've got a little bit of a crush on her," I teased.
Noah let out a breath of laughter as he looked at me, the corner of his mouth turned up in a smile. "I tried asking her out once. When we were seventeen. She turned me down."
I looked at him in surprise. "Really? I'm surprised she did that. She's always talking about how great you are."
"Probably just as a friend," Noah shrugged. "As a person." He stared down at his feet as he continued to swing them back and forth.
"So," I began slowly after a moment of silence. "How did you all end up working here together? You, Rachel, Kayla, Allie..." I hoisted myself up on the counter I was leaning against, opposite of Noah. To hell with anyone throwing a fit. My feet were killing me at the moment and I wasn't expecting Tom and Martha to come downstairs again tonight.
Noah shrugged. "I've always liked the idea of running my own place like this someday," he said. "I thought working here would be good experience. Rachel and I graduated Hogwarts a year before the others. I applied here first and then Rachel ended up doing the same while she was trying to figure out what else she'd like to do. She couldn't really decide, you see. But then she actually liked it here and got the others jobs, too. And we still haven't left." He chuckled. "It's not a bad place to work, though. Kayla would joke about it because of course a lot of people from school went on to be Healers or Aurors or other things like that. But we don't really mind. We all like it here. None of us are rich and famous, mind you, but Tom and Martha are wonderful, and the food is certainly amazing." He smiled at me and let out a quiet laugh.
"You don't need to defend yourself," I said. "Who cares about being rich and famous, really?" I rolled my eyes. "Besides, I work here too. And I like it. You're right, Tom and Martha are great."
"What's your ideal job?" Noah asked, tilting his head at me. "If you could have any one in the world, what would it be?"
I let out a puff of air through my mouth as I looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know. I haven't thought about that in a while. I earned decent enough marks in school, so I know I have a few options. I'm not sure if they were good enough grades for me to be a Healer or an Auror-not that those careers speak to me much anyway. But my grades were still good. I suppose I wouldn't mind teaching." I shrugged and looked back over at him..
"Allie kind of has her heart set on teaching at Hogwarts," Noah said. "But she wants Transfiguration, and, well, Professor McGonagall, the transfiguration professor, is still there. And she's headmistress. She's not only badass, but most likely immortal, so Allie could potentially be waiting a long time."
I laughed. "Allie would be a great teacher. I could see her doing that."
Noah smiled. "So you don't want to take over the pub when Tom and Martha decide they're done?" Noah asked.
"No," I said shaking my head, "I can't see myself running a pub."
"Why not?" Noah asked. "Because you genuinely don't think you'd like it or because you've never planned on staying here that long?" Noah asked.
I looked at him sadly. "Both. But...I could stay here, to be honest," I said. "I could stay here the rest of my life. Grow old here..."
"Then why don't you?"
"It's...complicated." There was a pause before I smiled slightly. "You know, when I was little, I used to want to be a professional ice skater. Then as I got older, I wanted to be a photographer. But being in my foster home, that dream, along with a lot of others, got put on hold." I shrugged. "I used to want to specifically take photos that would hopefully be made into postcards if they were pretty enough."
"Why postcards?"
I sighed. "I used to have a postcard of an ice rink. It reminded me of my mother because she was the one who taught me to ice skate. She took me to a rink in Salem all the time before she...before she left me." I shook my head and looked up at the ceiling again. "Whenever I looked at that postcard, I used to be reminded of all the good times we had. And I guess I wanted to make someone else that nostalgic and happy whenever they looked at a photo I took. I wanted to be able to freeze something beautiful and have it spread all over the world, sent to one place or another. And even if it was something simple, like an ice rink, or a boat on the water, or a tree with brilliant red and orange leaves in the fall...I liked knowing it could make someone happy. Maybe someone like me who was lonely and sad and missing the way things used to be. Because in photographs, time stands still. Things don't change."
It was silent and still in the kitchen for a moment before Noah let out a quiet breath of air. "Wow."
I looked over at him, jolted out of my thoughts. I flushed red. "Sorry."
"No, I just think...that was a really nice way to put it. I'd never thought of pictures like that."
"I don't know," I sighed. "I eventually threw the postcard away once I realized my mother wasn't coming back and once I started getting angry about it. So maybe I don't want to do something that can bring joy, but then turn around a second later and just cause too much pain."
"I think that only happens if you let it," Noah said slowly. "Your initial reaction to that photo was one of joy and nostalgia. It reminded you of something good and like you said, froze it in time. Your memories don't go away, you know."
"Good or bad, though, unfortunately," I sighed.
"So let the bad ones go," Noah said. "Hold onto the good ones."
"It's not that simple, Noah," I whispered. "Trust me, I tried. I tried holding on to all those good memories and eventually it just devastated me. Sure, the memories were still there, frozen in time, but they'd never change. They'd always be the same. And I wanted change. Eventually, the memories started to fade and all I could think about was the present. That my mother had left me and she wasn't coming back."
I hadn't realized tears had formed in my eyes and started rolling down my cheeks until Noah hopped off the counter and crossed the room to me. He stood in front of me and reached out with his thumb to wipe the tears away. I recoiled a bit at first, but then stilled and closed my eyes as I felt his thumb brush one cheek and then the other.
"Just so you know," he whispered, "someone would have to be a fool to purposely leave you and choose to never come back."
I opened my eyes and tilted my head up slightly to look at him. What on earth was happening to me? The wall I'd put up around myself was falling down brick by brick, stone by stone. I was confused and frightened and I had no idea why I was starting to tell people about what had happened to me. It had started with Fred and since then I'd been willingly opening up about things I didn't think I'd ever be able to talk about. It was horrifying being so vulnerable around people, especially after I knew how difficult it could be to trust the people you thought you could trust the most. I hadn't even been able to trust my own mother in the end. What made me think all of these people I'd met in London wouldn't end up hurting me just the same?
Just then, I heard the door at the top of the back stairs open.
"Are you two still locking up?" I heard Tom's voice ask in disbelief. Noah and I couldn't see him from where we were and I knew he couldn't see us, which was a good thing because otherwise he'd have seen Noah standing as close to me as he was while I was perched atop the counter. A space I definitely wasn't supposed to be sitting on.
"Thomas O'Reilly, you leave them be," I heard Martha say sternly. "Sophie, dear, just make sure you turn off the lights before you come up for the night," she called.
"Yes, of course," I answered, trying to keep my voice level. "Be up in a moment."
"And make sure you lock the back door once Noah leaves," Tom added. "Which should be any moment now. Your shifts are both over. No reason to continue lingering in the kitchen, you hear me?"
"Yes, Tom," I called back.
And then the door shut again with a click.
I let out breath of laughter. "Sorry about that," I said with a breath of laughter, burying my head in my hands as Noah laughed and stepped away from me.
"Go on up before you worry them," he said, retrieving the empty bin for carrying dishes and sticking it in its spot under the sink. He waved his wand and sent all the now clean dishes into their appropriate spots in the kitchen. "I'll head out, shut off the lights, and lock the door."
I nodded. "Okay."
"Thanks for the talk," Noah said seriously. "I'm glad you finally decided to trust me enough to tell me something about your old life." He smiled. "See you Saturday?"
"Yeah," I said quietly, nodding and giving him a small smile in return. "Saturday."
On Saturday night, I found myself dressed in the exact outfit that Rachel had suggested. I had to admit, I did feel pretty in it. I examined myself in the mirror, pulling my hair to the side and draping it over my shoulder. Martha had just trimmed it for me the other day, but it still fell so that it was level with the top of my armpit. And tonight, Rachel had loosely curled it for me. Of course, the only reason I'd agreed to let her near it was because my shirt covered my entire back. It wasn't like the sundress where part of it was exposed. I didn't have to worry about the scars showing and I still looked and felt good. I didn't look like the small, skinny, pale girl with dark circles under her eyes that had, for a period of time, been sleeping on the streets and nicking food from the garbage. I wouldn't go as far as saying I looked hot, as Rachel had claimed I would, but I did have to admit that I looked nice.
"Noah is totally going to side with me when he sees you," Rachel said, her hands on her hips as she examined me. She came to stand behind me and fixed a section of my hair. "Did anyone ever tell you how fabulous your hair is?" she asked.
"It's just light brown," I said. "Mousy brown, actually. Very fitting to Kyle's nickname for me."
Rachel shook her head. "Sure, it's brown, but you have subtle natural blonde highlights that some people pay money to have done. And it curls very well."
"What about your hair?" I asked, gesturing to her head of thick, long brown hair. It hung almost to her waist, but there was no sign of dead ends or dryness anywhere. My own hair had been almost that long after being on the run, but it had been dirty, dry and unkempt when I'd first showed up in London. I'd let Martha magically trim off the dead ends the day after she'd taken me in, but no more than that until just recently when I'd allow her to take off a few more inches.
"Oh, nonsense," Rachel said, brushing me off. "We were talking about you and how good you look. In fact, you are definitely going to have to hang out with Noah again." She smiled widely at me, excitement in her eyes.
I swallowed as she finally stepped away from me and began straightening up her things that she'd brought over, tossing her makeup and hairbrush back into her bag.
"You know, after you left on Wednesday night," I began, "Noah and I stayed and talked for a bit and I thought for a second-at one point, I thought-I-"
Rachel turned to me and froze as her eyebrows shot up. "You thought what?" she asked.
"I thought he was going to kiss me," I whispered, meeting her eyes as my heart hammered in my chest. It was the truth. When he'd been standing in front of me, wiping away my tears, I'd thought he was going to try and kiss me. And I hadn't been sure if I'd wanted him to or not. For many reasons. One being that I still hadn't kissed a boy before. People had been making me feel ashamed about it back at school, right up to my last year. And now I was twenty-one. I'd let myself feel ashamed at first back then. I thought I was missing out on something normal. But even then, and especially ever since, I didn't really have time for boys and kissing.
So, most of my feelings were stemming from the fact that I simply didn't know how. I didn't know how to kiss someone. I didn't know how to do the whole relationship thing at all. I barely liked being touched, so how could I even manage a relationship? Besides, I didn't have the time. I had way bigger things to worry about. Too much to worry about. More important things than something as frivolous as having a boyfriend. It seemed so silly, getting worried over boys, when there was so much going on. I really just didn't see any point.
But on the other hand, a part of me was wondering what it would feel like. All of it. To continue to find love in all the ways I'd missed out on over the years. And also to just...have a boyfriend.
Rachel stared at me in silence for a moment before she let out a squeal of delight. I startled slightly at her reaction, although I should've expected it. It wasn't exactly out of character for her.
"Shh," I hissed. "Let's not make a huge deal about this. I was most likely imagining it."
"No, you most likely were not," Rachel insisted. "He likes you. Didn't I tell you he liked you?"
"Kind of, but-"
"Did you want to kiss him?"
"I don't know!" I exclaimed, plopping down onto my bed in exasperation. "He is cute, I guess..."
"You guess?"
"Okay, fine, he is cute and maybe for a second, I wondered what it would be like if he did kiss me. And okay, maybe I opened up to him about something from my home life, but-"
"You did?" Rachel gasped, jumping onto the bed beside me. "Soph, that's huge! It takes a lot for you to willingly talk about your past. Even I don't know all that much."
"It's not that I don't want to tell anyone, it's just-"
"It's hard to trust people sometimes," Rachel said. "I know." She smiled. "Noah's sweet. I'm sure you've figured that out for yourself by now. He would never do anything to hurt you and he would never pressure you to talk about things you didn't want to talk about. Even if you were officially dating. He wouldn't pressure you. He wouldn't want you to feel obligated."
"But shouldn't I be obligated? To be honest with someone if I were to...you know, date them?"
"Yeah, I guess, but you'll get there. Wednesday night was the first step. It'll get easier."
"I've already told Fred a lot about myself," I whispered, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. "More than I've told Noah."
"Do you have feelings for Fred?" Rachel asked, raising her eyebrows.
I looked up at the ceiling. "I like being around him, but...I haven't wanted to kiss him," I replied honestly.
Rachel actually burst out laughing. "Well, that clarifies so much."
"I think it's just because he was the first person I was so vulnerable with. I never had anyone to talk to like that back home, which I'm sure couldn't have been healthy. But he was the first."
"Well, you've both got a lot of baggage, and you're both too stubborn to ask for help. So it seems appropriate that you kind of stumbled into some kind of friendship. Birds of a feather flock together, isn't that what they say?" Rachel asked out as she stood up. She studied her reflection in the mirror and fixed her hair as she continued. "Fred's a good guy, but...he's healing and so are you. Are you sure that's what you need right now? Isn't it like recovering alcoholics hanging out with someone who drinks regularly?"
"I don't think so," I said, frowning. "I think it's helped. He's said it's helped him."
"Look," she said, sitting back down next to me, "Fred's going through a lot right now. He feels guilty that he survived last year and Percy didn't. It's natural and there's nothing wrong with that. But I worry that since he's devastated about not being able to save Percy-or being alive while Percy isn't-he might..."
"He might just be trying to help me because of that? Metaphorically save me so he can balance it out?" I asked "Are you saying he could be using me?"
Rachel shrugged. "Not intentionally, but..."
I sighed and looked away. "The thought did cross my mind, actually. Several times. That he was using me as a distraction or that he just wanted to save someone to erase his conscience. I asked him about it and he denied it."
"Of course he'd deny it," Rachel said with a laugh.
"Weren't you the one telling me to spend time with him?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. "In fact, you wrote to him and George the day I tried to turn down their invite to the Burrow. You set me up and told them I'd changed my mind. You, Kayla, and Allie keep teasing me about him. You even made that joke about him sitting on my bed as if it were a big deal. Why do all that if you don't think he's good for me?"
Rachel shrugged. "We like to joke around and talk about boys. We also wanted to figure out your type. Who you were interested in..."
"So, in other words, you're nosy," I said.
"I guess you could say that," Rachel laughed. "But in all honesty, I think Noah is the better choice for you. Even if Fred wasn't so damaged, he doesn't seem like your type. He's bold, brash, outgoing...he's a prankster."
"But he's not mean," I said. "He came to my defense to those guys-Marcus Flint, and all of his dumb friends. Fred didn't have to do that."
"No, but I think you need someone gentler and less..." She trailed off and held her hands out in front of her, quickly opening her fists and spreading her fingers out. "Less...bam. You know? Besides, he has times where he gets really drunk. And you don't like alcohol. You hardly ever touch any, which I'm guessing relates back to something that's happened to you before you came here." She shrugged. "If you ask me, Noah's a lot better for you. And I firmly believe he was about to kiss you the other night!"
She jumped up again and clapped her hands, back to her bubbly self in two seconds. And then Kayla and Allie were showing up and she was excitedly telling them the news, while they acted just as thrilled. Meanwhile, I sat on my bed, trying to participate, but still lagging behind in the conversation. My brain was still on what Rachel had said about Fred. If it wasn't just me that had wondered if I was a distraction or if I was just being used, then what did that mean? Did it give the thought more meaning or more truth? If Fred himself had denied it, then what did that mean? I felt like it should hold more weight, but what if he'd been lying? Lying to get me to stay for his own benefit?
Maybe Rachel was right. Trying to make sense of it all was too complicated. The simple answer was that I had opened up to Fred completely on my own and had felt attached to him because of it. Part of me had felt drawn to him because he was sorting through his own issues, just like I had issues to sort through. We were both looking for someone to treat us exactly like what we were. Humans. Not a malfunction, or a cat barking like a dog, or whatever analogy he had used the other night. But on his part, I wasn't sure what was happening or what would happen. If I helped him, would he get rid of me once I wasn't needed anymore? Or what if he got so comfortable with me that he started letting me see all the really horrific parts of what he was going through? For instance, the drinking. Like Rachel had said, did I want to subject myself to that? Would that help me or hurt me more in the end?
"Ready to go?" Rachel's voice snapped me out of my trance and I looked up to see her, Kayla and Allie standing by the door, bags slung over their shoulders.
I nodded and stood up, grabbing my own bag from my desk. "Yeah, let's go."
"For the record, I've officially taken Rachel's side," Noah whispered into my ear thirty minutes after we'd arrived at the Three Broomsticks. Drinks were already ordered and conversation was already underway. I had actually surprised myself by finishing one entire butter beer and moving on to number two. And now, when I knew what Noah was getting at, I almost had to fight to not down the rest of my drink.
"What do you mean?" I asked, deciding to play dumb.
Noah pulled back and smiled at me. "You know what I mean. You told me you were going to look normal tonight." He shrugged. "You don't."
I shifted uncomfortably in my chair as my face heated up.
"I thought we agreed that whole plan was not happening," I said quietly, spinning my drink slowly in my hands. "We can't make a deal based on a matter of opinion."
"Fine, but will you still go out with me again anyway?" Noah asked. When I raised an eyebrow at him, he blushed. "Sorry. Hang out."
I sighed and turned in my chair to look at him. "You're a really nice guy, Noah," I began.
He interrupted me with a quiet groan as he tilted his nearly empty fire whiskey bottle towards him to inspect how much was left. "I feel a but coming," he said.
I opened my mouth to respond, but Noah went on before I could.
"It's Fred, isn't it?" he asked.
I promptly closed my mouth and blinked. "What's Fred?"
"Do you like him?" Noah asked, glancing at me. "You spend a lot of time with him and Rachel's said you've already hung out with his family twice."
I let out a quiet laugh and shook my head. "Is that supposed to mean something?" I asked. "I'm not exactly sure spending a lot of time with someone and meeting their family amounts to wedding bells."
"Does it mean something?" Noah asked, looking at me. "The only one who can tell me that is you."
I didn't answer for a moment as I stared down at my drink. "I don't know what it means," I finally answered. "I don't even know-I don't know if Fred and I are even actual friends. It feels like we are, but it's all very confusing a lot of the time."
"Well, let me ask you a simple question, then," Noah said, turning sideways in his seat to face me and so that our knees were now touching. "Do you get the whole butterflies in your stomach, heart pounding, exhilarated kind of feeling when you're around Fred? You know, all the typical feelings of...having feelings?"
I let out a snort of laughter. "No, but I'm pretty sure that's because there's something wrong with me. I think I'm programmed to just...not feel those things. Don't have time. Bigger issues to worry about."
"First of all, there's nothing wrong with you. Secondly, all I'm asking for here is a chance."
I let out a quiet laugh. "A chance," I repeated quietly. This was the second time someone had asked that of me.
"Yeah," Noah answered. "I'd like to think I'm a patient person. I don't want to push you, but I do want to hang out with you more than just at the Leaky Cauldron while we're working."
"What do you call what we're doing now?" I asked with a giggle, looking around the Three Broomsticks.
Noah laughed. "I meant just the two of us," he said. "This is a start, but not completely what I'd had in mind."
I was quiet for a moment. "I probably shouldn't," I whispered, my mind going back to the diary and the necklace and the mystery woman and the fact that I'd run away from someone who had made clear by the marks on my back that he didn't want me running away.
"If you really want nothing to do with me in that way, I'll respect it," Noah said slowly. "But...I think you have to give me a proper chance first."
I sighed. A chance. That had been what Fred had asked for as well. A chance. I supposed both he and Noah both deserved one. If I hadn't been given a chance, I wouldn't even be here. Martha and Tom had taken a massive chance on me. I figured it made sense that the least I could do was do the same for someone else.
I closed my eyes as my mind drifted to Wednesday night and how I'd almost wanted Noah to kiss me. How I'd wanted to just know what it was like. How a part of me wanted to know what it was like to have a boyfriend-a relationship. I thought back to being at school and feeling left out that most of the other girls at school were in relationships and getting asked on dates and getting notes and flowers and candy from boys. Seeing them in the halls holding hands and giggling and fooling around. I wanted that. I was only human. But back at school, I was also teased incessantly for anything and everything. And that had almost made me instantly revolting to any boys. No one would go near me. I was the weird foster girl, the good student, the quiet one, and the one that was always teased by the most popular girls in school. Nobody wanted anything to do with me, unless it was for a joke or a bet or a prank.
But Noah was different. Everyone had been telling me he was nice and that he was sweet and wouldn't hurt a fly and I knew that was true. I had been working with him nearly every day for the past two and a half months. I saw how he treated other people besides me. I saw how he treated all different kinds of customers every single day and I saw how he treated the rest of us-his coworkers. That was one of the cool things about being so quiet and trying so hard to blend in. I usually got to sit back and just notice things.
It was easier with Noah, I told myself. Besides what Rachel and I had discussed earlier regarding Fred, I still found myself worrying about his love of pranks and jokes. I couldn't quite figure him out. I'd thought he seemed like a genuinely kindhearted person despite the joke shop and the pranks and the cocky, confident personality that still seemed to shine through a bit despite his pain. But what if he wasn't any different? What if Rachel was right and all of Fred's complicated only hurt me in the end?
All that stuff Rachel had mentioned were things that I'd been wondering already. Despite his denial, Fred could be using me just as a distraction, a way to get his mind off of Percy and Angelina. Or maybe he wanted to even use me to get back at Angelina. Make her jealous. That was a thing that people did, wasn't it? Or perhaps that was just in books. Regardless, I just wasn't sure if I could bring myself to completely trust him, even if there was a part of me that wanted to. The same part that kept telling me to continue giving him the chance he'd wanted. The chance to prove to me that he wasn't what I was afraid of him being. That's why he'd asked me for a chance, after all.
My mind was running away with me, just trying to think it all through and I couldn't stop myself. I didn't know what I was getting with Fred. He was complicated, and yet if he walked in the door right at that moment, I would have been happy to hang out with him.
Noah, on the other hand, was a lot more simple. He was just all around nice. He never made my mind take all these crazy twists and turns as I tried to figure him out. There wasn't much to figure out. And yet I'd been hesitant to hang out with him only because I was afraid to get involved or attached with too many people. That plan had officially gone out the window, so was there really any harm in spending more time with Noah? A guy that didn't make me think so much? At least not any more than usual. Maybe he was right. Maybe I needed to give him that proper chance. If I could try to give one to Fred, I could certainly do it with Noah-and something told me it would be a hell of a lot easier to do so.
"Okay, you know what? Yes, I'll hang out with you," I finally said, turning to Noah.
"Really?" Noah asked, a grin spreading over his face as his eyebrows shot up.
I nodded. "Yeah."
"Great!" he exclaimed. "I get off at four tomorrow. I know you have the whole day off, so I can come get you at six and we can go to dinner? You can pick the place."
"I don't really know many places," I admitted. "You're the one who's lived here your whole life."
"Have you ever been anywhere besides Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley?" Noah asked thoughtfully.
"No," I answered.
"So what do you say to actually going somewhere in Muggle London?" Noah asked. "And have you ever ridden a Ferris wheel before?"
I giggled. "Noah, I think you can safely assume my answer to most questions like that are no."
"Perfect," Noah answered, finishing off his drink and grinning. "Date planned. Easy."
"Date?" I asked, raising an eyebrow and smiling slightly.
Noah shrugged. "A hanging out as friends date. Although, I'm hoping you'll change your mind by the end of it."
I didn't say anything for a moment as I continued to stare down at the drink in my hands, frowning in thought. "You really want to go out with me?" I asked, looking up at Noah and tilting my head to the side. "You really think I'm worth it?"
"Of course," Noah said, looking at me in confusion. "I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to."
I nodded. "Okay," I said slowly.
"I'm sure that sometimes people see someone as closed off and quiet as yourself and automatically assume that they're mean or stuck up," Noah said, "but you aren't. You're just...afraid. But you're determined and you work hard and you have a sense of humor and you're smart. It took a little bit of time, but I noticed those things about you. You can try all you want, but you can't hide yourself from people forever. And after that conversation we had on Wednesday night, I felt as if I liked you even more. It was nice knowing you shared something so personal, even if it was something difficult to talk about for you. It was nice knowing you're starting to trust me."
I smiled slightly and studied his face before my smile faded. "Noah," I said. "Look...I don't-"
"You don't want to get too attached," he said. "I know. You want to move on. You're afraid of your past." He reached out and put a hand over mine. "But since you're here, why not have a little fun, eh?"
"And what about you?" I asked.
"What about me?"
"If I were to leave..." I trailed off and shook my head as I looked away and gazed across the room. "I don't want to upset anyone."
"It's a bit too late for that," Noah said. "We'd all miss you quite a bit if you left."
"That's part of what I was afraid of. I didn't want to stay long enough to make me leaving hard for anyone."
"As I've said, it's a bit too late," Noah said with a quiet laugh.
I let out a half groan, half laugh as I buried my head in my hands. "Why does this have to be so hard?"
"It doesn't have to be," Noah shrugged, turning in his chair to face the table again as he set down his drink.
"You don't understand," I began.
"I'd like to, though," Noah replied quietly, glancing at me almost shyly out of the corner of his eye. "If you'll-one day-trust me enough to help me."
I smiled, feeling a sudden, unexpected rush of endearment towards him. I studied his face for a moment before smiling wider. "So tomorrow at six, then?"
Noah brightened, a huge grin lifting his lips. "Yeah, definitely. Tomorrow at six."
Saying I was nervous was an understatement. By the following evening at five minutes to six o'clock, I had already changed my outfit three times before settling on a plain dark green sweater and jeans. I'd almost wished I'd had that necklace back from the twins-curse free of course-so that I could wear it, but no such luck. I hadn't even talked to them since Friday at the pub when they'd said Bill still had the necklace.
As the minutes ticked closer to six o'clock, I found myself pacing around the kitchen, my stomach in knots.
"No need to be so nervous, darling," Martha said as she bustled by me with a pile of freshly washed laundry. She brought it to the living room couch and sat down as she started to fold it.
I didn't respond, instead choosing to continue pacing.
"Why don't you come help me fold the laundry?" Martha suggested. "Normally, I'd use magic to do it, but for your sake, I think we should do it without magic this time. If you need to keep busy, you might as well put that nervous energy to good use and help me."
I nodded before sinking down on the couch and grabbing a dishtowel, folding it once, then unfolding it and doing it again. And again. And again.
"My goodness," Martha said, pausing in folding a dishtowel of her own and letting her hands collapse into her lap. "It's just Noah," she said. "You're just going out to dinner."
"Yes, but hanging out with people is how...bonding happens."
"Typically, yes," Martha said, resuming her folding of the dishtowel. "I know you're afraid of that and I know you're afraid to trust people and get too attached. I know nobody's given you a good reason to trust them or to form an attachment-including your own parents. But you can't keep people at a distance forever. It's natural to want to connect with people and as hard as you may try, you can't keep yourself from it."
"Clearly," I said. "Ever since I've been here, I've-"
I was interrupted by a knock on the door. I gasped and turned to stare at it wide eyed.
Martha chuckled. "Have a good time," she said, leaning over to press a kiss to my forehead. "Enjoy yourself. Relax. Let loose. Noah will take good care of you. He's a good boy. His mother's a sweetheart, too."
I took a deep breath before standing, smoothing out my sweater and walking to the door. I opened it and saw Noah standing there with a bouquet of yellow tulips.
"I thought roses might be too romantic for our not-a-date," he announced sheepishly, and almost nervously, holding them out to me.
"But you still brought flowers," I said with a smile.
He shrugged. "What can I say? I'm a sweet guy like that."
I giggled and took the bouquet. "Thank you. They're beautiful."
"And so are you," he said, smiling at me charmingly.
I shook my head and blushed as I fiddled with one of the flower petals.
"Oh, Noah, those are gorgeous!" Martha exclaimed, coming to stand beside me at the door. "How thoughtful!"
"That's me," Noah said with a smile. "Thoughtful. Incredibly thoughtful."
"I'll go put these in some water," Martha said, taking the flowers and heading for the kitchen. "You two have fun. Don't be out too late! You're both working tomorrow!" She laughed and sent us a playful wink before she disappeared into the kitchen.
"Ready to go?" Noah asked, tilting his head towards the stairs.
I nodded as my stomach flip flopped nervously. "Yeah, let's go." I grabbed my bag before following Noah out the door, shutting it behind me. Noah and I walked in silence down the stairs and out the front door to the streets of Muggle London.
"Come on," Noah said, taking my hand and pulling me into the shadows of the building. He kept his hand wrapped around mine as he checked to make sure we were concealed before turning on the spot and Apparating.
We reappeared on a street outside of an Italian restaurant. From the street, I could see the London Eye poking out from a spot in the distance behind the restaurant.
Noah continued to hold my hand as he led me inside and spoke to the woman at the front desk. She smiled and crossed something off on a sheet of paper in front of her before grabbing two menus and telling us to follow her.
She led us towards a small table in the back, right near a large window that had a view of the Ferris wheel. I smiled slightly. It was the perfect spot.
Noah pulled out my chair for me and I gingerly sat down before pushing my chair closer to the table and gazing outside.
"Great view, huh?" Noah asked proudly as he sat down himself.
I nodded, watching the Ferris wheel slowly move around and around. "My mother and I used to talk about coming here to ride that." I gestured out the window.
"Yeah?" Noah asked, looking out the window as well.
"We used to talk about a lot of things. Ice skating in New York, seeing the Eiffel Tower in Paris, coming here to London and seeing Big Ben and Buckingham Palace..." I trailed off and turned to him as I took a deep breath. "My ancestors are from here." I paused. "Well, somewhere in England. I'm not sure where. It was a long time ago. My mother said her family was in America for centuries, but ages ago, someone in her family came to America from here."
"Really," Noah said. "So you're not as much of an outsider as we thought." He smiled and flipped open his menu. "Any idea what you want?"
I shook my head as I opened my own menu. Everything sounded incredible. Eventually, Noah and I decided to share a large pepperoni pizza. Noah ordered a Muggle beer, while I stuck to water.
"So you don't mind that we ordered pizza?" Noah said. "We could've gotten pizza anywhere else. We could've even stayed in, eating off of paper plates while we sat on the floor."
"I will eat pizza anywhere," I admitted. "So your eating off of paper plates while seated on the floor idea does sound nice. But maybe that can be for next time. I do like where we are. I'm not picky, Noah."
"I know," he said. "And you don't mind that we're sharing it? I told you already that you can order whatever you want. If you want anything else, go for it."
I laughed and shook my head. "Noah, I'm fine."
"I think you deserve to get whatever you want," Noah said. "Not just at restaurants, but in life."
"Okay," I said through a giggle as I looked up at him in amusement.
"I'm serious!" Noah let out a laugh of his own. "Forgive me if I come across as a little cheesy tonight."
"Oh, Merlin's beard," I groaned burying my head in my hands. I looked back up at Noah, peering at him through my fingers. "Did you just make a pizza pun?"
"I did just make a pizza pun," he chuckled.
I smiled as I lowered my hands from my face and began fiddling with my napkin, which I had already gently placed in my lap. "Well, as bad as your pun was and as cheesy as your comment was...thank you. You're sweet."
"I meant what I said," Noah told me, his voice earnest. "You seem a little better now, but when you first showed up here, you were so..."
"Skinny, terrifying...gross?" I suggested.
Noah hesitated as the waiter returned with a basket of warm, steaming bread. I grabbed a piece simply to have something to do.
"No..." Noah went on. "You were so...sad. You kept to yourself, did your job, hardly spoke to anyone. You always seemed so lost and lonely. And you seemed so used to it and so accepting of it and so determined to just leave again. That's not fair. You must want to form some kinds of relationships with people or else you wouldn't hang out with Rachel and the girls. You wouldn't spend time with the twins and you wouldn't spend time with me. Everyone wants to be loved and cared for. And if something happens to you, we'll protect you. That's what friends do." He reached over and put his hand over mine as I struggled to swallow the bread in my mouth.
"You mean all that?" I asked curiously, even though I knew he did. I couldn't say how, exactly, but I did. I guess I had started to trust him. I trusted him to be honest with me and not lead me on or play me.
He nodded. "Every word."
I took in a deep breath before letting it out and looking at him with a smile. "Okay, so let's talk about you now."
Noah laughed. "What do you want to know?"
"Anything," I said, pulling out the warm, soft center of my bread and sticking it in my mouth.
"Okay...well, I was born and raised in London, actually. Not too far from here." He took a piece of bread of his own and slowly broke it in half, letting the steam float out in pale wisps. "My dad's a Healer my mother used to be one too."
"She's not anymore?" I asked, picking up on his word choice.
"Hm?" he asked, looking up at me in surprise.
"You said your mother used to be a Healer."
"Oh," he said, almost awkwardly. He cleared his throat and looked down at his bread again. "Yeah, she quit when I was a kid and started working at a bakery. She actually just became assistant manager not too long ago. She worked her way up."
"Does she like it?" I asked.
Noah smiled. "Yeah, she actually really does," Noah said. "It's a lot less demanding than being a Healer."
"Yeah, just a bit," I said with a laugh.
"You know, most people ask about the reason for the drastic switch," Noah commented lightly.
"Was I supposed to?" I asked as the waiter came over and set our pizza in front of us. It looked amazing and smelled even better.
Noah shook his head. "I prefer people don't ask." He grabbed a piece of pizza and set it on his plate as he shrugged.
"I get it more than anyone, trust me," I said. "I practically invented the act of keeping things to myself."
Noah laughed before his face became serious. "My dad...I'm not sure if he-I'm assuming he's still a Healer." He cleared his throat. "He left us when I was seven."
My own face fell as I looked at him. All this time and we'd had something in common. "That's rough, Noah," I whispered.
"He cheated on my mum," Noah went on, his voice low. "With a nurse at St. Mungo's. My mother even knew the other woman. And she caught them in the act herself." He shrugged. "Naturally, they got into a massive fight. My mother was outraged and hurt. And after my dad was caught, he chose the other woman and walked out on us and never looked back. He didn't even keep in contact or express any desire to see us again. It was weird-I'd think he'd want to continue seeing his son at the very least. Especially since we had been so close up until..."
"I know how it is," I said. "That's what it was like with my mother. We were so close and she left without a reason. I don't even know if she's alive. Sometimes I think that if she's dead, at least her not coming back for me is justified, which sounds terrible, but a part of me thinks it's better than her just ditching me and moving on without a care in the world."
Noah nodded. "I know my dad's not dead," he said. "He didn't even move out of London. I saw him from a distance out in Diagon Alley a few years ago with his new girlfriend-who I'm guessing he married. And they had a kid with him. Around eleven. I think they were school shopping for him. Getting ready to see him off to Hogwarts." He shrugged. "They didn't see me there that day. And I walked away before they could."
"Noah..." I breathed, setting down my slice of pizza and looking at him.
"You know, for a while, I thought it was because he was ashamed of me," he said. "I thought it was my fault that he left, and even once my mother told me the truth, I wondered why he still didn't want to talk to me. I still wondered what I'd done for him to completely shut me out."
"You did nothing," I said.
"Neither did you," Noah said. "Whatever happened to make your parents leave, it had nothing to do with you."
"How do you know?" I asked. "My parents both left me without a word."
"They left you when you were so young," Noah said. "There's nothing a child could have done to make a grown adult do something like that. It could have been so many other things. Things you were too young to understand back then."
"I'm old enough now," I said, "and still left just wondering...why? Why me? What did I do?"
"Nothing," Noah whispered, meeting my eyes. "Absolutely nothing. Remember that. You were a child. An innocent child. Your parents are supposed to love you and take care of you. That's their job. And leaving without saying a word isn't part of the job description." He hesitated. "I know how hard it is to move on and to stop blaming yourself, but you've got to. You've got to let it go at some point. At least a little bit. Keeping it pent up inside you is going to drive you insane."
I didn't say anything as I thought that over. Instead, I picked at my slice of pizza until Noah changed the subject to lighten the mood. And eventually it worked. My spirits lifted again and his did too.
Once dinner was over, we walked through the streets of London, just taking everything in. At least, I was. Noah had spent all his life here. He knew it like the back of his hand.
We finally made it to the Ferris wheel and I tilted my head to look up at it. "It's so big from down here," I said.
"Want to go on?" Noah asked with a smile. "You're not afraid of heights, are you?"
"Luckily, I am not," I grinned, letting him take my hand and lead me even closer. He bought us tickets and then we waited in line for a bit until it was our turn. We stepped into the roomy compartment and immediately found a spot right up against the glass that covered the entire side of the compartment. I had to admit that I was excited. I actually couldn't help but wish I'd had a camera so that I could capture the moment forever. Just like in that old postcard.
Noah and I were quiet as the Ferris wheel slowly rotated, bringing us to the very top and giving me a spectacular view of the lit up city of London below me.
"I can't believe this is what birds get to see all the time," I said, pressing my forehead and the palm of my hand against the glass.
Noah laughed. "Are you saying you're jealous of birds?"
"Maybe. They just get to fly around all carefree and they get to have this view."
"I don't know," Noah said. "I'm sure they're not completely carefree. They can't sit by a warm fire when it's cold, they can't go inside and dry off when they're wet. They eat worms and seeds and garbage." He paused as he looked out at London sprawling below us. "The view is great, though, I will admit."
We fell into silence again until I finally turned my head away from the glass to see Noah leaning sideways against it, the side of his head resting on the glass as he gazed directly at me.
"You're not even looking at all of this!" I laughed, pointing to the city below us.
"I've been looking at it all my life," he whispered. "I think I can catch a bit of a break so that I can look at you for a bit instead."
I blinked at him as my heart thumped in my chest. I felt myself turning so that my back was to the glass as Noah moved to stand in front of me. He gently put his hand on my cheek and I let him, my heart still beating wildly. He started leaning closer and I actually closed my eyes. I could sense him getting closer and closer and my heart was about to beat right out of my chest. He was going to kiss me and I wanted him to. I wanted him to, but at the same time, I was so nervous. About everything. About kissing a boy, having someone be this close to me-physically and emotionally. What if it went horribly wrong? What if I did something wrong? What if he hated it? What if I hated it? But at the same time, I wanted to do it.
At the last second though, I found myself sighing and turning my head. Noah's hand dropped from my cheek, but I could feel his other hand still resting on my hip.
"Noah, I'm sorry, I can't," I whispered.
He swallowed and looked down at the ground as he stepped back and ran a hand over his jaw. "Okay."
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "It's just hard and I'm-"
"Scared," he finished. "Yeah, I get it."
"You don't have to act like you do," I said quietly, leaning back against the glass wall again. "Look...it's hard for me to let people get close to me in every sense of the word. But besides that, I just-I don't want to get hurt. At school, I wasn't treated so nicely by a group of the most popular girls in school. I told you that before. And everyone else seemed to just ignore me. Whether it was because of those girls or for other reasons, who knows, but I was pretty lonely. And guys never seemed to take an interest either, unless it was part of a joke or a dare to ask me out."
"But why?" Noah asked, looking horrified.
I shrugged. "I was an outcast. I was extremely shy and quiet. I was afraid to talk to anyone and didn't even know how. When I first started school, I was scrawny and underfed and at dinner on the first night there, I'd never seen that much food before-I felt like I'd hadn't had a decent meal in forever. I couldn't help it-I ate like a complete and utter pig." I swallowed as my stomach and chest tightened at the memory. "So people teased me for it. Called me piggy, made oinking noises, the whole nine yards. Those girls started it and kept fueling the fire, you know?"
Noah sank back against the wall and let out a deep sigh. "Merlin," he breathed out.
"A lot of times I'd skip eating with everyone else and just go eat in the kitchens. Alone. So I could eat in peace."
Noah looked at me sadly. "You mean to tell me there was not one person at that school that was nice to you?"
I shrugged again. The Ferris wheel was still moving, but I'd lost track of how many times we'd gone around at that point and I was barely even noticing the view anymore. "There were the bullies," I finally said, "and there were people who did nothing, which wasn't helpful either. But I was fairly close to one of my teachers. And there was one girl in my year who came to my defense that first day, who was actually that professor's daughter. She was probably my only friend."
"What happened to her?"
I sighed and looked away. "She and my professor both died. My fourth year of school."
"Shit, Sophie, I am so sorry," Noah said quietly. "Can I ask you how they died?"
I looked away and folded my arms across my chest, but I couldn't answer.
"Hey, it's okay. Another time," Noah said, turning so that he was in front of me again. He put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry for pushing you to talk."
"No, you didn't," I insisted. "You're so patient and you never push me to talk about anything. You don't know much about me at all and you still like me and want to spend time with me. You still think I'm worth being with."
"Of course I do," Noah said. "Merlin, you're not tarnished by your experience. You were never tarnished in the first place to make people act like that towards you. You've clearly been through some hard stuff that no one should have to go through. It's made you cautious and it's made it hard for you to trust people, but I'm willing to do what it takes to make you completely trust me." He smiled. "Whenever you're ready for anything...talking, kissing, whatever, let me know. I can wait. Like you said, I'm patient." He gave me a little smirk. "I want you to trust me and I know I also have to earn that trust."
I let out a quiet breath of laughter. "Where were you when I was in school and in desperate need of a friend?"
He smiled again. "Across an entire ocean, sadly," he whispered.
I smiled and sighed as I looked away. Our ride on the Ferris wheel ended just then and we stepped out of the compartment and back onto the ground.
"I enjoyed that. Thanks for bringing me," I said.
"Anytime," Noah said. "So are you up for continuing on an informal tour of London or would you rather go back home?"
Home. I picked up on his use of the word and half smiled. I didn't even feel any kind of need to protest against the word, which made me feel good and afraid all at once. Tom and Martha's did feel like home and I liked being there. I wanted to be there. But just for tonight, I wanted to stay away for a little longer.
"I think I have to seize the opportunity of having a friend who was born and raised in London show me around," I said.
"Oh so I'm your friend?" Noah said with a laugh.
"Of course you are," I said. "How could you not be? You treated me to dinner and a ride on a Ferris wheel."
Noah grinned and chivalrously held out his arm. "May I?"
"You may," I giggled, slipping my arm through his and letting him lead me down the sidewalk.