Chapter 41: My Cabbages!
Groaning, Kazuma stretched and smacked his lips, then reached over and scratched Megumin's back. She let out a grunt, arching slightly like a cat under his fingers.
"Come on, gotta get up, time for school," Kazuma yawned. "Darkness will be by in a few minutes and bang on the door."
"Ugh, just five more minutes," Megumin muttered, stretching out her arms and legs. "I thought you were supposed to be a NEET."
"Yeah, well, I would be, except that, you know, stuff happened," Kazuma said.
"Mmm," Megumin said, lifting her head up as Kazuma stopped his stretching and patted her. "Not a virgin either, are you?"
"Heh, guess not," Kazuma agreed. He considered. "We got a few minutes, you know."
"We do," Megumin agreed with a wide grin, lifting herself up and crawling up to put her hands on Kazuma's shoulders. "Time to start the day right."
After that, Kazuma was wide awake, and he and Megumin washed themselves off in the bathroom and got dressed.
"Morning," Midoriya called from the kitchen. Kazuma could smell frying spam, and not the weird flavors Wiz sold. "Want some breakfast?"
"Sure," Kazuma agreed, frowning as he looked around the crowded room. "Er, when did you get here?"
"We were busy making babies in Mr. Majima's workshop until late last night," Mei said from the floor by the couch, where she was assembling her railgun after making yet more modifications to it. "So we came over and borrowed your spare bedroom since you were not using it."
"Right, OK, that makes sense," Kazuma agreed. He eyed Tokoyami, who was trying to hide behind the morning paper as Dark Shadow sniggered under the table. "And you?"
"Um, er, well, you see-"
"We had a long talk with his parents," Darkness said, sipping at her cup of morning tea. "They agreed that since Aqua approves of our union, it was fine by them if we married, as they have converted to the Axis faith.
"I see," Kazuma said slowly. "And so he stayed over?"
"Yes, I talked with Iris. We have agreed it would be best if we both reestablished our bloodlines as soon as possible," Darkness explained.
"And we're helping!" Dark Shadow piped up.
"Um, yes," Tokoyami admitted, lowering the paper and looking flustered. "So, you see-"
"Megumin, you're on the pill, right? I'm not getting snookered into being a dad at 16." Kazuma asked as he took a plate of spam, rice, and eggs from Midoriya.
"I am not an idiot, so yes," Megumin agreed. She made a face. "I am not ready to be a mother, I think. It would be very hard to control my Explosion magic if I had to haul around a baby."
"And you're being responsible too, right Midoriya?" Kazuma asked.
The green haired boy flushed from where he was sitting with Mei on the couch, eating. "Um-"
"Izuku always says that Eris pads her chest like Aqua told him to," Mei said seriously.
"Super. Morning Aqua. You hiding someone in your room?" Kazuma asked as Aqua stumbled out of her bedroom, scratching at herself.
"Huh? No?" Aqua yawned, frowning. "Why is everyone here? We have a party that I missed?"
"More of an orgy, really," Kazuma said, which made Tokoyami and Midoriya both choke on their food.
"Ew," Aqua said, wrinkling her nose as she stole a slice of spam off of Kazuma's plate. "Count me out. You mortals are so gross."
As they left after breakfast, Kazuma soon found that his apartment hadn't been the only crowded one, as Bakugo, Sero, Ashido, and Kirishima exited from next door with Eris, Yunyun, and Iris.
"Wow," Kazuma said with a shake of his head. "This is getting ridiculous. What, did the goddess of love stop by while I wasn't looking?"
"Well, I am a goddess of love and beauty, so it is natural that the rest of you would be inspired by my mere presence," Aqua said with a wide grin as she tossed her hair over one shoulder.
"Even me?" Eris teased as they walked down the stairs. "I did manage to get my own cult started, thank you very much. Haven't had to pee in days. It's kind of nice."
"I know right? Why mortals put up with it, I'll never know," Aqua sighed.
Bakugo eyed Kazuma when they reached the bottom. "What?" Kazuma snapped.
"Nothin'. Just figured you or the nerd would be talkin' smack by now," Bakugo grumbled.
"I ain't one to lecture. What we have to worry about is if one of the teachers shows up and shouts-"
"I am here! To say good morning!" All Might called, which made several students jump from guilty nerves. That is, until they saw from just where All Might had emerged, and who he was with.
"Good morning everyone!" Wiz said, smiling happily as she came out of her shop's door, handing All Might a cup of tea. She was wearing his #1 Axis Follower shirt, which on her was more like a dress that hung past her knees.
"All Might?!" Midoriya gasped. "You mean, you and Wiz!?"
"Oh, er, well, you see," All Might stammered, blushing bright red. "Miss Wiz was, um, with Eri, and I had just stopped by to say hello, and-"
"Nice," Kazuma said, holding up a fist to All Might. "Good for you, man."
Still blushing, All Might hesitantly tapped Kazuma's fist, glancing at Wiz, who was beaming happily.
"Nice one, Wiz," Megumin said, giving the former lich a thumbs up. "He's pretty cool, even if his poses are lame. Anyone who fights Goku is automatically awesome."
"I still can't believe there's no Dragonball here," Kazuma grumbled. "That just doesn't make any sense. How can you have Japan, but no Dragonball?!"
The door opened, and Eri came out, smiling happily and dressed in an elementary schoolers uniform. "I'm ready for school, mommy! Oh, hi, big brother! Look! I get to go to school, just like you!"
"Nice. Just don't be like me and actually do your work and listen to the teachers and stuff," Kazuma said, crouching to look Eri in the eye and give her a hug. "You take care, OK? Anyone messes with you, let me know. I'll sic Bakugo on them."
"Is he the angry scary one?" Eri said in a very loud whisper. "But don't worry, I think mommy is scary enough by herself. Plus, I don't have a quirk anymore, so it will be safe."
"Oh, you still have a quirk," Aqua said suddenly. "I just changed it. You're like me now!"
Eri blinked, frowning. "I'm a goddess?" Like a lot of people in the past few days, she had a Waterwheel Axis icon around her neck. Eris had made a killing selling them, and had managed to get her own order going by association with Aqua through the merchandizing.
"Oh, no, you can just heal people. I'm not really sure how it works, 'cause it's a quirk and not magic, but I replaced it," Aqua explained.
"You rewrote her DNA? How can you even do that?" Mei demanded.
"What's DNA?" Aqua asked, blinking. "I just changed her Quirk. It was really easy, those aren't even written in your soul or anything; they're just in your body."
"Can you give people quirks?!" Midoriya demanded his eyes very wide.
"Huh? No. I could only change Eri's because she prayed and asked me to and she had a lot of faith in me," Aqua said with a shrug. "Not like I'm going to do that for everyone, too much work."
"Speaking of work, we had best head to school," All Might said seriously. "I shall escort you."
That was probably a good thing, as the street was crowded with adoring faithful, who immediately started calling for Aqua as soon as she appeared. Others called eagerly to Eris, holding up coin pendants, the sign of her own faith. The two goddess basked in the adoration and praise, and Kazuma had to literally drag Aqua away to get her away from her fans.
"But Kazuma, they love me! You have to let me help them!" Aqua pleaded.
"No, we're going to school. Weird as that is. Sheesh. You even failed your math test last week," Kazuma grumbled.
"That is because math is stupid! Numbers don't make any sense!" Aqua ranted as Kazuma continued to guide her down the street, the way cleared by All Might before them.
Still, Aqua did a dozen healings just along the block to UA's campus, and Eris did nearly as many. UA itself was surrounded by worshipers, all clamoring for Aqua. She waved to them and babbled some inane platitudes before Kazuma got her past the doors.
"Aww, I miss them," Aqua sniffed, looking slightly depressed as they stepped into the building.
"Eh, don't worry about it. This is great! There's billions of people on this planet, and we've got millions of followers already! I haven't felt this good in centuries!" Eris laughed, grinning widely.
"Yeah, but, I mean, don't they need us?" Aqua said, looking back over her shoulder.
"Eh, they got along fine before we came here. Besides, you've been empowering priests right?" Eris asked.
"Well of course! But it's not the same...I just...I don't know. I feel different, somehow. More...powerful? I don't know, it's hard to explain," Aqua mused.
Frowning, Eris nodded. "Yeah, it's weird. These prayers and offerings feel different, somehow."
"I bet it's because they're shonen or something," Kazuma guessed.
"I still do not forgive you for not bringing me one of Black Star's shurikens," Megumin muttered.
Kazuma threw his hands up in the air. "I asked, OK!? Plus, I was dead! What did you expect me to do!?"
"Get a picture of Goku fighting All Might at least," Megumin groused.
"You have a picture of All Might fighting that guy from when you were dead!?" Midoriya asked eagerly, shoving himself between Kazuma and Megumin. "Can I see it!?"
"Settle down, slugger," Kazuma said, inching away from the rabid fanboy. "Relax. Just ask All Might to tell you about it again. You do realize he's our teacher, and not some mythical being, right?"
"Considering that half my classmates are mythical beings, I'm not really sure what that means anymore," Midoriya sighed as they walked into their classroom.
Everyone got to the desks and stood around chatting for a few minutes, making plans for the upcoming Sports Festival. Mei had expressly been forbidden from blowing up the world again, but had only cackled and promised that she and Midoriya would "bring the worlds cutest babies."
Kazuma was 90% certain that didn't mean she was pregnant, but he honestly didn't know and really didn't care. Everyone could start popping out babies for all he cared, as long as Megumin didn't spring any surprises on him.
The bell rang and everyone quickly sat at their desks, looking expectantly at the door. The clock ticked down for long seconds, only for Mr. Aizawa to fail to show up.
"If he doesn't show up after 15 minus, I'm legally allowed to take a nap," Kazuma said, kicking his feet up on his desk and closing his eyes.
"We should use this time to study, and better prepare ourselves for the academic rigors that are certain to come our way!" Iida declared.
"Ooo, I'll draw a picture for Mr. Aizawa on the whiteboard!" Aqua said, sliding out of her seat and skipping forward.
"Katsuki, you will help me study my Japanese history," Iris ordered, taking her notebook out and frowning at it. "I am not certain I fully understand the Edo period yet."
"Christ woman, you got a better score than me on our last history test," Bakugo grumbled as he complied.
"Well, then perhaps I should tutor you in the history of Belzerg. As the First Prince of the Sword, you would do well to know the history of your future people," Iris sniffed.
Kazuma ignored his classmates' antics, as Megumin and Yunyun started a pose-off competition and everyone else started doing whatever they felt like. What Kazuma felt like was catching a few Z's. He'd just about managed it when there was a pounding of feet in the hall, and his Sense Foe skill triggered. He'd set it to detect when Aizawa was around, so he sighed and took his feet off the desk.
"This is all your fault!" Aizawa's voice snarled as the pounding of feet continued.
"The hell it is! It's all those religious fanatics! Besides, YOU'RE the one who insisted on stopping for coffee!" Ms. Fukuado's voice snapped.
"Argue about it later," Aizawa said as he strode into the room, only for a hand to grab him from behind and jerk him back into the hall. There was a loud, wet sucking sound, then Aizawa stumbled back into the room, flushed and with a smear of lipstick on his mouth.
"Nice," Kazuma said, giving his teacher a wink and a thumbs up. "You finally tap that?"
"Detention," Aizawa snarled at Kazuma. "For lewd remarks and-" Aizawa paused, his jaw dropping open.
"Good morning!" Aqua said cheerily, putting the cap back on her marker and smiling at Aizawa. "You were late, so I drew you a picture! What do you think?"
The picture was of Aizawa and Fukuado, embracing one another and looking longingly into one another's eyes, as a beautific Aqua smiled down on them from above. It was, frankly, a masterwork, something that belonged in a museum, and should have been taught to art students for centuries to come as an example of composition, colors, and emotion.
"..." Aizawa stared at the mural, his mouth hanging open. "...how?"
"I'm the goddess of love and beauty!" Aqua giggled. She patted Aizawa on the shoulder. "Good job! I'm glad you finally stopped repressing your emotions and opened up to Emi! She's been praying about it to me for weeks now."
"WHAT?!" Aizawa roared, rounding on Aqua. "YOU MESSED WITH MY MIND?!"
"No, don't be dumb. I don't do that, that's mean. I just gave Emi some advice," Aqua huffed, puffing her cheeks out and glaring up at Aizawa. "I told her all about the stuff you liked, those mangas and stuff, and what your favorite brand of coffee and cigarettes were. You already liked her, you were just being dumb and refused to admit it. Don't you feel better now? Kazuma and the others always feel better being in love. So did All Might!"
Aizawa blinked at Aqua. "You're certain you didn't mess with my mind, or my mental state?"
"Ugh, no, of course not! I'm not an evil goddess! Look, did you enjoy yourself or not? If you didn't, I have special blessings just for that! All you need to do is sign up for my church!" a parchment appeared in Aqua's hands, and she held it up to Aizawa. "Just sign up! I have loads of satisfied followers. Just ask Midoriya, or-"
"I THINK WE SHOULD START CLASS NOW!" Midoriya half yelled. "THIS FEELS EXTREMELY UNPROFESSIONAL!"
"...right." Aizawa took the parchment for Aqua and set it on his desk. He glanced at the board, then pulled down the projector screen to obscure the masterwork. "Look, you all know what's coming. The Sports Festival is in a couple of days. We've had to make...changes. Also, we're going to have to do something about...that."
Aizawa waved vaguely out the window, and everyone glanced out to see the hordes of Axis and Fortuna cultists gathered around UA.
"I mean, I could tell them to go away," Aqua said, frowning. "I just don't like to."
"Right, I'm sure if you tell them to go away, they'll just all wander off and-"
"Ok, Eris, just send them home," Aqua sighed. "They were getting kind of annoying I guess."
"Done," Eris agreed. "I'm sure we'll bump into a few on our way home."
"People aren't just going to abandon their new goddesses and…" Aizawa trailed off, as the crowd suddenly began to disperse. Within five minutes, the streets around UA were clear, and cars began to drive back and forth. The entire time, Aizawa stared blankly out the window, only blinking occasionally.
"We just told them to go home," Aqua said helpfully. "They seemed pretty happy to hear from us."
At last, when it was clear that the crowd was gone, and not coming back, he walked over to his desk, picked up the parchment, and glared at Aqua. "Fine. But I'm not signing up for your cult."
"I've got one right here for you, sir," Eris said eagerly, pulling out a parchment of her own and hurrying up to hand it to Aizawa. "Fortune favors the bold, you know."
Aizawa muttered under his breath, but signed the parchment, which dissolved into golden sparkles. "Right. Moving on. Sports Festival. Hatsume, no blowing up the world."
"I promise to keep my explosions under a kiloton," she answered seriously.
"Megumin. I'm watching you," Aizawa growled.
"Heretic," Megumin muttered. "This is discrimination."
"Hey, wasn't the League of Villains supposed to show up and attack us or something?" Kaminari asked, scratching at his head. "We never did go to the USJ."
"Well, considering you told the teachers to expect an attack from that organization, we took steps to prevent it. Besides, obviously things have changed. Time isn't some linear path you have to follow," Aizawa answered.
"But we're still having the Sports Festival. Does that mean we're going to do the obstacle course, then a cavalry battle?" Ashido asked curiously.
Aizawa just gave her a long, hard look, until the pink girl flushed and lowered herself down into her seat. "Well, I thought it was a good question."
"Right, get out your English textbooks. Present Mic will be here shortly to begin today's lessons. I have a meeting to get to," Aizawa said, and strode out of the room.
Down the hall in Nezu's office, Aizawa groaned as he lowered himself into his seat, resting his head in his hands. "Emi, was this really necessary?"
There was sheet cake, decorated with the word, "Congratulations' ' written in multicolored letters along with swirls and sprinkles, and a sketch of Aizawa and Fukuando on it.
"Wasn't my idea, but we skipped breakfast so I'm having some," she said, cutting a slice and serving herself.
"Oh no, I had Lunch Rush make it," Kan chuckled as he took a slice. "We had an office pool going on how long it would take you two. I won."
"That is ridiculous," Aizawa muttered as he accepted his own slice of cake. "How did you even know?"
"Kayama," Kan replied, giving Aizawa a predatory grin.
"Dammit, I thought I could trust her," Fukuado muttered. Then she laughed. "Ah well, I suppose the wedding announcement will still be a surprise!"
"We are not getting married," Aizawa growled, then added under his breath, "yet."
"Good morning everyone!" Nezu said cheerily as he entered the room. "And, congratulations!" Nezu passed Kan several bills, then took his own slice of cake.
"This cannot be the biggest news of the day," Aizawa grumbled.
"Oh no, the Prime Minister is coming to deliver that," Nezu said with a shake of his head along with-"
"I am here! For our staff meeting!" All Might sang, sliding into the room. "Ah, cake! Excellent! This will be a wonderful meeting."
Everyone stopped eating as All Might hummed to himself, cutting a slice of cake and dug in. After a moment, the big man stopped, pausing with another bite halfway to his mouth. "What?"
"Oh my god," Fukuado breathed. "You got laid too? Man, something really must be in the air."
"It is," the Prime Minister agreed as he walked in and All Might turned scarlet. Everyone stood, but he waved them back to their seats. "No, no, sit down. Cake? Well, I suppose that fits with the pattern. With me today is Doctor Kimochigaī, to try to explain a rather...unique phenomena that has been occurring lately."
"Ooo, there's cake?" the doctor asked, an older man with thinning white hair and wide thick spectacles. "Might I? Ah, thank you. Hmm, yes, this is quite good? Now where was I? Oh yes."
The doctor pulled out a thumb drive, connected it to the projector, and cleared his throat, dabbing at his lips with a napkin to remove some frosting. "Ah yes. So, things have been very interesting here in Mufasu for the past two months."
"No. Really?" Aizawa deadpanned.
"Oh yes! Quite interesting indeed!" the doctor said gleefully, displaying several graphs and charts on the screen. "First, the statistic I think you heroes will find most relevant. Crime is down 50%!"
"Well, I mean, All Might's here," Kan pointed out. "Who'd be dumb enough to commit a crime under his nose?"
"Ah, a good point!" the doctor moved the presentation forward one slide, which had another chart overlaid over the first. "This is a baseline for All Might's effect on an area's crime. As you can see, he clearly does have a diminishing effect, but something else is happening. And, most interestingly, the reduction in crime is actually highly localized. Here is a list of incidents."
Two maps of Mufasu showed up, overlaying the location, time and date of crimes over a time lapse image, one of the previous year, the other of the current year. On one, there was a slowly expanding radius where crime virtually disappeared.
"What the heck…" Kan muttered, squinting. Then his eyes went wide. "Oh my God. It started when those kids showed up."
"Indeed," the doctor agreed. "Though I will say, this map filtered for a specific kind of crime: Violent crime and other major offenses that resulted in serious charges. Here is an image showing non-violent crimes. Petty things, and often they did not result in charges filed. Things like minor disturbances like public drunkenness, minor sexual harassment, criminal mischief, and a rash of accidental quirk usuage."
This time, there was a dramatic increase in the same area.
"What the heck?" Aizawa growled. "It has to be the kids. How are they causing this?"
"I'm going to need to bring in an expert," the Prime Minister sighed. "Bring him in, Doctor."
"Why, moi always knows when he is needed!" Vanir proclaimed, seeming to pop into the room before he could even be summoned.
"You!" All Might gasped, jerking back. "What are you-"
"Greetings, o man who hath finally satiated his own needs and the needs of my dearest friend," Vanir said with a bow. "Truely, it is a wonder you mortals manage without moi's assistance. Thou would still be stumbling through your idiotic mating rituals were it not for me. But fear not! For moi has come to enlighten you all!"
"Just stick to the topic and hand, Mr. Vanir," the Prime Minister groaned.
"Moi would be delighted to do so!" Vanir laughed. He snapped his fingers, and the presentation vanished, replaced by a picture of Earth. It didn't appear to be a projection at all. Aizawa's eyes narrowed. Magic.
"I shall make this simple. Here, we have thy world. It is a sad, boring place, where nothing interesting ever happens, and where you mortals solve problems with fist and battle. A sad, tragic existence," Vanir sighed, shaking his head. The image suddenly animated, showing a miniature All Might, along with Midoriya and several other heroes fighting against various villains as dust and stars swirled about the apparent battles.
"This is thy world: one of Shonen. Ah, no, do not ask, moi can read your minds: you do not understand. It is simple! This world, it ran on the principles of Shonen, created by the gods who made thy world. It is a long, complicated thing, but make it simple enough your tiny mortal brains can understand it, this world ran on conflict and battle. Good versus evil! Trite, and boring, but it did work. The valorous clashed with the vile, and an endless story of the passions of mortals played out through combat and war. Endlessly, villains arose, and heroes appeared to battle them. Is this not so?"
"Just agree with him," the Prime Minister sighed.
"I understand," All Might said slowly. "Our world was created by King Kai. He told me he valued valor and honor, of growth through adversity, and going beyond one's limits by proving it on the field of battle. Upon reflection, that does mirror my life's story, and that of this world, rather well."
"Ah-ha! So, thou met thy maker, hmm? And what did you think of him? Oh-ho, do not tell moi, it is too much, too delicious! Ah, but we understand genre, yes? Thy world, it had a genre. One could call it 'Action-Adventure.'"
"That sounds asinine," Aizawa growled. "Life isn't just endless fighting. There's more to it than that. There's sorrow and joy. Times of peace. Times of quiet."
"True, true. It is a broad thing. But, even in an action piece, one must have time for quiet moments and even romance, yes? But that is not what the thing is about. We agree on this point?" Vanir asked.
Aizawa nodded with the others, and Vanir chuckled. "O-hoho! Very good! Thou art wise, for mortals! But, as thou knowest, something changed." Vanir snapped his fingers, and another world appeared beside earth, slightly different. The little Midoriya figure let out cry, and keeled over, dead. A ghost floated up out of his body, and a blue little figure appeared, smiling and waving.
"Aqua," Aizawa growled.
"Indeed!" Vanir agreed, and the little Aqua figure raised a staff, returning the Midoriya puppet to life. "But she is no daughter of Shonen."
The little Aqua giggled mischievously, then took out a custard pie, and threw it in Midoriya's face. He gasped and fell over in surprise. Aqua laughed, only to suddenly trip and tumble down a hill, falling to a lake and beginning to cry.
"What is this, a Saturday morning funny?" Kan demanded.
"Indeed! That is what I am, as well," Vanir chuckled. "While moi is a demon, moi is not a scary demon, would you all agree?"
"You're mostly just irritating," All Might muttered, folding his arms over his chest and scowling.
Aizawa squinted at the image of the crying Aqua, then looked over at Fukuando, who's eyes had gone very wide. "What? You see something?"
"She...she's a goddess," Fukuado said slowly. "Are you saying...she's a goddess of comedy? I mean, I think she's pretty funny. I've always liked her, but I mean…"
"She is a goddess FROM Comedy, not a goddess OF Comedy, though moi sees how one so uneducated in theological matters as you mortals tend to be could confuse the issue," Vanir said, sighing dramatically.
"Wait, those crimes...are you saying the dangerous, violent crimes that spark conflict are going down, but the funny mishaps are increasing?" Aizawa asked, a dawning realization coming over him. "There's other things happening too, aren't there? People are changing around her."
"Ah, man who sees that he might blind others, your vision is so limited! Aqua is not changing mere people. She is changing the laws of reality by her mere presence," Vanir lectured. "For example: the sudden rash of romance. Moi fears that the Goddess of Comedy is what you mortals refer to as a 'shipper.' She is rather obsessed with romantic entanglements."
"So I can thank Aqua for Aizawa lightening up at last?" Fukuado asked, winking at Aizawa.
"To a degree," Vanir agreed. "Aqua does bend the laws of reality, but not mortal will. Thy lusts are thine own."
"So we have to decide," the Prime Minister interrupted before things could get even more ludicrous. "If we can afford to keep her around."
"Are you serious?" Aizawa laughed. "Are you actually serious?"
"Oh come off it, Aizawa," Kan said, frowning at him. "I know you're a dedicated atheist and all, but I have to oppose killing or trying to get rid of these kids. I don't care if Aqua is a thousand year old deity or whatever, she's still just a kid, and she's a sweetheart."
He couldn't help it, Aizawa started chuckling, shaking his head in amusement. He reached into his shirt and pulled out the chain Eris had given him, revealing the coin that was the symbol of her church. "Actually, just like half the world, I just converted. No, I mean, you can't get rid of these goddesses. Laying aside the fact that I'm about 90% certain my class could defeat All Might, and I'm not even including the deities, and would certainly stomp whoever you sent to get rid of Aqua, people wouldn't stand for it. Have you been watching the news? The Axis faith is going to overtake Buddhism in the next few weeks if this keeps up, and Erisites already number more than practicing Jews. Within a year or two, they will be the most followed religions on the planet."
"We have our ways," the Prime Minister sputtered. "They're just high school girls! This is a fad, a trend, a-"
"Are you not listening?" Fukuado asked, her eyebrows raised in incredulity. "Look, forget most of their followers, Aqua's best friends with Midoriya and Megumin. One of them can beat up villains not even All Might here can take and make it look easy, and the other one is a multi-kiloton nuclear warhead just waiting for an excuse to go off."
"Not to mention I would personally strongly object to any attempt to remove my patron deity," All Might growled.
"Well, what about him? He's a demon!" the Prime Minister argued. "He could do it, he-"
Vanir's hand fell on the Prime Minister's shoulder, and he fell silent as he looked up at the grinning face of the Duke of Hell. It was no longer an amused or playful grin, but the sort of smile a cat gave a mouse as it played with it. "Oh foolish leader who seeks his own destruction, only an idiot would look to moi to fight the gods. Moi has chosen his side long ago. And though moi and the foolish goddess have long had a petty rivalry, if moi must choose, moi shall drag thee to hell and have done with it."
"But the very foundations of our society," the Prime Minister pleaded. "Our world! It's all coming apart!"
"The Lord of the Tomb is still coming," Nezu said, speaking for the first time. The Principal's expression was grim, his hands clasped before his snout. "Aqua is our best, and perhaps only, hope to defeat him. I say we encourage the spread of her faith. In fact, I have just such a suggestion. I was told she wished to become an idol singer. Well. I happen to have an international stage for her to make her first performance."
Despite knowing full well that Mei wasn't going to (deliberately) blow up the world again, Izuku couldn't help but feel nervous as he waited with the rest of Class 1A to stride out onto the field for his second First Year UA Sports Festival.
The fact that such a sentence even made sense gave him a headache if he thought about it too long.
"Alright, I think that's everything, all systems good," Izuku said, closing the back panel on Mei's brand new suit of power armor.
"Ha! This time, I have extra cute babies for the Sports Festival!" Mei laughed. She bent down and gave Izuku a quick peck on the cheek. "Thank you for helping build this, Izuku. It was much more fun to make babies with you."
"Ok, that one has to be on purpose," Kazuma said, frowning at Hatsume. "There is no way you don't know what you're doing."
"Doing what?" Mei asked, frowning at the other boy.
"The innuendo! It's been nonstop lately! 'Making babies with Izuku,' I mean, come on! Everyone else sees it, right?" Kazuma demanded.
"She's not trying to be lewd, that's just what we call her inventions," Izuku said, glaring at his friend.
"She should have made one for me," Megumin grumbled. "I want a suit of power armor."
"Yeah, except it interferes with your Explosion magic," Kazuma pointed out. "You know that's how it works: you can't cast spells in heavy armor."
"I could have learned how!" Megumin protested. "Besides, the last round is a death match, and I can hardly compete."
"Izuku," Mei whispered while the others argued. "Why is Kazuma upset about us making babies? I do not understand."
"I thinks your talking about sex, because he's a pervert," Izuku whispered back. "You know, like Darkness and Iris are trying to get pregnant. Human babies, not your invention."
"What?!" Mei squawked loudly. "I do not want a smelly human baby! We are always very sure to use Aqua's spell, which I won't say because it would hurt Eris' feelings."
Eris looked up from her conversation with Yunyun and glared at Aqua. "Really? You're still on about that? Seriously? Grow up, Aqua. It's been a millennia already."
"Well, you should just stop padding your chest," Aqua sniffed. "You're still wearing a pushup bra. Be like Megumin! Be proud of the body!"
"Easy for you to say, Miss Perfect Figure!" Eris snapped. "Some of us were born mortal, you know!"
"Ladies, ladies, calm down!" Jiro cried, hurrying over. "Look, it's almost showtime. You ready? Aqua, you remember, you HAVE to sing the song we practiced, right?"
"Ugh, fine, I'll do it," Aqua grumbled. "It's more fun just to make one up, you know?"
Jiro's arrival made Eris look nervous, however. "Um, you sure this will work? I'm not as good a singer as you or Aqua…"
"It's fine, you'll do great!" Jiro promised, giving the reluctant goddess a double thumbs up. "Just have Aqua use that blessing on you, and you'll knock 'em dead!"
"Right," Eris sighed, then managed a smile. "I am a goddess after all, bad time to get stage fright, right?"
"Can't be worse than fighting monsters," Ashido laughed. "Come on! Let's do this!"
For his part, Izuku was grateful he wasn't going to be up on stage performing. Bad enough to fight before a live audience, but singing and dancing really wasn't his thing.
At last the signal came, and Izuku strode out alongside Mei, waving to the audience. However, unlike the last time, it was very clear exactly who the crowd was really cheering for. Giant banners with the Water Wheel symbol of the Axis Faith were held up by the crowd, along with images of Aqua's face as the crowd chanted her name. Eris wasn't left out either, and though she was seen as a lesser deity, there were still posters with the Erisite Coin or people holding up her own icons.
"And now, to give the student pledge, Katsuki Bakugou!" Present Mic announced.
"What, him again?" Monoma said, grimacing. "He's just going to embarrass us like last time."
Isuku wasn't so sure. Bakugo strode up to the microphone, standing ramrod straight, his expression serious instead of bored. He cleared his throat, then saluted, fist to chest. "I dedicate these games to the glory of the Goddesses Eris and Aqua, and to her Royal Majesty Queen Iris Shining Sword Belzerg the First, long may she reign."
The last bit could barely be heard, as the audience had gone ballistic at the mention of the goddesses, chanting their names, and waving their banners. Izuku wasn't really certain how he felt about being at the center of a religious revival, but at least it was going to power Aqua up for when it was time to fight the Lord of the Tomb.
Then, the band took the stage, and Izuku stepped back. In a few short moments, everything was set, with Yaoyorozu on keyboard, Bakugo with his drums, bass played by Tokoyami, Kaminari with his electric guitar, and Jiro and Ashido providing back up vocals and dancing. And, of course, Eris and Aqua taking center stage as the idol singers. They weren't wearing UA track suits, instead Aqua was in her traditional dress, while Eris was in a modified (or rather skimpier) version of her old outfit. She'd even grown her hair out a little, so that it reached to her shoulders instead of the short mess it was normally in.
"Hello, to all my worshipers!" Aqua cried, waving excitedly as the crowd roared. "I'm here to give you the gift of music, a blessing bestowed by the goddess! With me is my junior goddess, Eris! Our first song today is Fantastic Dreamers!"
In this world I have seen with you
Come on! The bell of a beginning resounds
We are fantastic dreamers!
Both of the goddesses were beyond incredible in their performance, mesmerizing in the unearthly beauty of their voices and the perfect sway of their bodies to the beat. Aqua had used a Blessing on the entire band that made them better entertainers, and it was honestly an unearthly experience. They probably could have sang anything and looked and sounded incredible, but Fantastic Dreamers seemed a perfect thematic fit for Aqua and Eris. Weird and wacky, but sweet and kind at the same time.
After the band finished, the crowd went ape again, screaming and cheering in rather un-Japanese-like fervor. They had only been supposed to play the one song, but Aqua suddenly turned to Jiro.
"Hey, what about that song you wrote, Hero Too? I think we should play that too!"
"Oh, um, I mean, I don't really think it's ready," Jiro stammered, blushing, but the crowd whistled and hooted, and began to chant Hero Too until Jiro relented.
"Well, ok. We didn't practice very much, but-"
"Who cares?" Aqua laughed, grabbing Jiro and dragging her out to center stage. "Art is about having fun and doing something amazing!"
Jiro glanced at Eris, but the other goddess shrugged and smiled. "I'm having fun, aren't you?"
That seemed to win Jiro over, and she waved to the crowd. "Thanks so much for coming out today! This one goes out to all the heroes, in this world, and beyond!"
What am I to be?
What is my calling?
I gave up giving up, I'm ready to go
The future's left unseen
It all depends on me
Put it on the line to follow my dream
Yeah
That song got the crowd even more pumped, and when it was over Jiro found her hands collapsed by Aqua and Eris, and the three girls bowed before the crowd.
"I hope you liked that!" Aqua giggled. "But now it's time for the Sports Festival! Go knock 'em dead, Midoriya, because you're my champion!"
"I foresee the final battle," Eris proclaimed, her eyes suddenly glowing. "The Champion of Eris shall battle the Champion of Aqua for the laurel crown." Eris blinked, swaying slightly. "Oh my. I haven't made a prophecy in some time. I suppose I really am gaining a lot of followers…"
"Sweet, but my champion will totally kick your champion's butt. Now come on, let's go help Mr. Yamada with the announcing!" Aqua laughed.
It had been decided that the absolute last thing anyone needed was to see Aqua crying after an event because she'd scuffed a knee or worse, or perhaps simply lost as Kazuma taunted her. Instead, the Goddesses would be overseeing the games. Aqua was thrilled at the prospect of being at the center of attention, while Eris was a little disappointed she couldn't show off her own skills.
"Good luck everyone," Izuku said, smiling around at the others. This had a rather different feel than the first Sports Festival, if for no other reason that it seemed a silly competition now. Izuku had fought for his life both in Royame and against the Shie Hassaikai. A field day was hardly cause for concern.
"Alrighty, let's get this party rolling!" Aqua's amplified voice called a few moments later. "What's up first, Mr. Yamada?"
"Call me Present Mic. Well, we were going to go with a traditional obstacle course, but we decided it was time to mix things up this year!"
"Which is why we're going to have all our 1st Year Students undertake a Quest!" Eris laughed. "I hope you're ready, because this is a Belzerg Tradition!"
"And that you brought lots of mayo and vinegar!" Aqua said, smacking her lips. "Kazuma, Kazuma, use your luck and bring me the tastiest ones!"
"They didn't," Kazuma groaned, his shoulders sagging. "How did they even find them?
"Get ready, Adventurers!" Aqua ordered. "Our cabbages were ordered special from that smug Duke of Hell himself!"
In the distance, Izuku heard a thumping sound, as if a thousand rabbits were approaching. "Um, Kazuma, what is that?"
"Cabbages," Kazuma said grimly, raising his sword. "Lots and lots of cabbages."
"You're kidding, right?" Uraraka said, frowning at Kazuma. "There is no way-"
Out of the tunnels that lead into the arena bounding cabbages with little faces on them began to bounce into the area.
"QUEST START!" Eris cried. "Catch as many cabbages as you can! A regular C rank Cabbage is worth 1 point, a B rank 3 points, an A rank 5 points, and those lucky S Rank Cabbages are worth a whole 25 points! Look out for those rare SSS Cabbages! They're worth 100 points each!"
"But lettuce isn't worth anything, because it's gross and yucky," Aqua put in. "Come on Kazuma, get me some, I'm hungry!"
"Ha! I shall take an early lead!" Megumin yelled, jumping to the front. Immediately, all of the other UA students dived for cover, some using quirks, others curling up into a ball on the ground.
"From the depths of the abyss, I call thee
The searing Crimson of family lost
The deepest black of a fallen goddess
Come forth! Combine, in violent glory!
EXPLOSION!"
"I'm really glad we opted for the energy shield barriers," Eris sighed as the entire arena shuddered and reverberated with the force of Megumin's blast. "Thanks, Hatsume."
"MY BABIES ARE THE CUTEST!" Hatsume yelled as she jumped back up.
"Well, it looks like Megumin is out of the contest," Present Mic sighed. "And she got 0 points."
"What?!" Megumin cried, her voice muffled by the fact she was face down in the dirt. "How is that possible!? I killed hundreds of cabbages!"
"Yeah, you killed the cabbage, but now we can't eat it!" Aqua snapped. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to summon forth a stream of monsters from another world?! I was looking forward to some delicious coleslaw!"
"Thankfully, we accounted for the Crimson Demon clan," Eris sighed. "And we ordered a few more waves of cabbages."
More pounding sounded, and Izuku readied himself as a second wave of produce entered the arena. He let One For All course through his veins, and recited the holy words: "The Goddess Eris pads her chest."
Then he dashed forward, raising a fist and screaming to the sky, "SMASH!"
Unfortunately, Izuku repeated the same mistake Megumin had, and obliterated a large swath of the flying vegetables. Wincing, he lowered the force of his blows, and started smashing cabbages and tossing them into the containers scattered throughout the arena for just such a purpose.
There seemed to be an endless stream of the produce, which was apparently rather aggressive. Instead of fleeing, it attacked the hapless students from the General Studies, Support, and Management courses, who wailed and tried to flee from the belligerent brassicans. Thankfully, there were plenty of Hero Course students who were more than happy to help out. Even Shinso, who Izuku had learned had a quirk that was ill suited to fighting mindless flora, had gotten a spear from somewhere and was expertly wielding it to skewer the careening cabbages.
Mei was blasting away happily with her suit's built in laser, cackling maniacally as she had set her power output from "Extra Crispy" to "Medium Rare" and was both capturing and cooking the vegetables at the same time. Hopefully they would both make it to the second round, but neither of them were that concerned. This was a fun thing to do with their friends, and perhaps a tasty snack.
After about 20 minutes, the cabbages were all slain and contained, and Izuku sat back on the grass with Mei to relax.
"How many did you get?" he asked, panting slightly and taking a swig from a bottle of water.
"I captured seventy five! How many did you get?"
"One hundred and eighteen," Izuku said, blushing slightly. "I pulverized a few on accident though, or I would have gotten more."
"That is very good! You should get first place," Mei said, giving Izuku a big grin.
"I don't know, I saw how many Katsuki and Iris were capturing. They were working together, and they got quite a few," Izuku said, rubbing his chin. "We'll have to see."
An hour long break occurred, as the value of the captured cabbages was tabulated, and the Business and Support courses cooked up a large quantity of coleslaw, stir fry, and other delicious dishes to serve. The students got some for free, and after Eris harangued Aqua for a solid five minutes, the audience received theirs for a modest price. It was very tasty, and Izuku had to be careful not to overindulge, as they still had two events to go.
"How many did you get?" Izuku asked Kazuma as they sat in a group and ate.
"Seventeen," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"Seventeen? Wow, I'd have thought you'd get more than that," Uraraka said with a shake of her head. "I got thirty six myself. Unfortunately my quirk didn't help me out that much, or my spell."
"I got zero," Megumin muttered, staring into her bowl dejectedly. "They didn't count any of the ones caught in my explosion spell, and I was too weak to move afterwards."
"I managed to retrieve twenty eight, a modest number, but I am proud of my sword work," Darkness said, blushing slightly. She was still fairly slow, but she had gotten to where she was at least descently skilled with her blade, and was strong enough to carve steel like tissue paper.
"Dark Shadow and I managed to capture eighty three," Tokoyami put in. "I am quite satisfied with our performance. Though I confess, your display was rather remarkable, Midoriya. I believe you must have gotten the top score."
"Alright, the cabbages have been counted, and the points are in!" Eris said over the loudspeaker, and everyone looked up from their food to listen.
There was a giggle from Aqua, and then she said, "In fourth place, it's the angry porcupine himself, Katsuki Bakugou! He captured ninety eight cabbages, but several of them were too damaged to be counted, because he's a stupid meany. Ow! Don't do that, Eris!"
"Anyway," Eris continued as Aqua sniveled in the background. "Bakugo captured 57 C rank cabbages, 30 B rank, 5 A rank, and 1 S rank cabbage! Sadly, you got six lettuce, which don't count, but you got 197 points! Good job! I am proud to have Bakugou as a champion of Eris!"
"In third place is MY champion, Izuku Midoriya! He did much better, because he didn't obliterate so many cabbages because he's not a jerk!" Aqua snapped. "He got 118 cabbages,and he got 68 C, 32 B, 7 A, 1 S, and ten lettuce, and, um...How many points is that?"
There was a loud sigh from Eris. "It's 224, Aqua. Which means he's actually tied for second with Iris. She got fewer cabbages, but she got two S rank cabbages, so she ended up with the same number of points."
"Well that's dumb, who made these rules!?" Aqua demanded.
"...we did, Aqua."
"Oh. Right! Anyway, first place goes to my very best friend, Sato Kazuma!"
"WHAT?!"
Everyone turned to look at Kazuma, who had a smug grin on his face. "Just wait."
"Somehow, Kazuma managed to get every single SSS ranked cabbage on the field, earning a massive 1700 points with only 17 cabbages captured," Eris said. "Wow. He should be my follower with a Luck score that impressive."
"No, he's MY follower!" Aqua argued.
"Actually I don't follow either of you," Kazuma shouted. "I'm an independent man, who believes in equality."
"WHAT?!" Aqua screamed. "You lived in my mansion in the divine realm for two centuries, Kazuma! You had better be my follower!"
"Yeah, no, that expired as soon as I moved out," Kazuma said with a shrug. "Only goddess for me is Megumin."
"HA! I win again!" Megumin bragged.
"She's not even a goddess anymore!" Aqua ranted. "She gave that up to be with you! You ungrateful little-"
There was a scuffling sound, and Present Mic's voice came on over the sound of Aqua and Eris fighting. "Er, well, we're putting the rest of the scores up on the board! The top fifty-two students will advance to the next round!"
Izuku was glad to see his friends had all made the cut, and indeed, everyone from 1A save for Megumin was advancing to the next round. Megumin sulked for a bit, until Kazuma pointed out she could go do color commentary with Aqua and Eris, which seemed to perk her up substantially. She hurried off as the arena floor was cleared for the next event.
Izuku was just stretching and wondering what the teachers had cooked up when there was a loud popping sound, and Megumin's voice boomed, "BEHOLD! From now on, I, Megumin, Dark Mistress of Explosions, shall be providing you with my deep insights into the coming storm of conflict that will soon sweep over this arena, as our heroes via with blood, sweat, and their very SOULS against the dark powers they shall soon face!"
"Megumin? Who let you in here?" Present Mic's muffled voice said.
"Ha! Only a fool thinks that they can keep a genius of the Crimson Demon Clan out with a simple locked door!"
"...Aqua, you forgot to shut the door when you came in, didn't you?" Eris asked.
"Eh, who cares, this was getting boring anyway, let Megumin do it. I'm going to get something to drink. Let me borrow some money, Kazuma took mine."
"Anyways," Megumin continued as the goddesses continued bickering in the background. "Now, for the first time, I shall reveal to you the next of your trials! Behold! Each of you must be prepared to turn one against another, in a vicious game of cat and mouse, where former comrades can become your foes, as only sixteen of you may dare to face the final challenge!"
"Er, Megumin," Present Mic said. "It's just a simple game of-"
"That is what YOU think, foolish human! For you see, this is no mere game, but a trial to determine who is worthy of our goddesses divine favor! Each of you must gird yourselves for battle, and fight one against another in a vicious game where you must mercilessly pound your foes into submission, while preventing others from doing the same to you, in a primal display of carnage and violence!"
The crowd had grown hushed, looks of horror written across the audience's faces. Kazuma had his hand over his mouth, and was trying to look perturbed, but was fighting back laughter. The members of Class 1C and 1B that remained in the contest looked horrified, but Class 1A had resigned expressions. Finally, Yunyun spoke up.
"Um, Megumin, what exactly are we doing?"
"DODGEBALL!" Megumin cackled. The audience let out a sigh of relief. Izuku just shrugged. It made sense, he guessed.
"Er, right, the rules are simple," Present Mic continued. "The balls will be placed at the center of the field, everyone starts at the edge. You'll divide yourselves up into 13 teams. If you get hit with a ball, you're out. If you catch a thrown ball, that doesn't count as an out, but the person who threw it is still in the game. Even if you are out, until your entire team is eliminated, you're eligible to get to the next round."
"Right." Kazuma stood, dusting himself off. "Same team as last time, what do you guys think? Uraraka, Tokoyami, Darkness?"
"Sounds good to me," Uraraka agreed. "We've battled tough foes before, I think I can rely on you all!"
""I shall endeavor to prevent any balls from striking my teammates!" Darkness agreed eagerly. "Um, and also myself."
"Izuku, who should be on our team?" Mei asked, frowning and looking around. Todoroki's group had quickly joined together, while Bakugo and Iris had nabbed Yunyun and Sero. Which left…
"Hey, Hatsume, team up with us!" Ashido called, jogging over with Kirishima following close behind her. "You two are strong and stuff, and we know each other's abilities pretty well! We'd make great teammates!"
"That makes more sense than trying to team up with a group from another class," Izuku agreed, looking around. Most everyone was sticking to those from their own groups, and unless Izuku very much missed his guess, sticking to those who they had gone to other worlds with as much as possible. It was true he didn't know Kirishima and Ashido as well as Megumin or Aqua, but it was also true both of them would have been hopeless at dodgeball.
"Let's do it!" Mei agreed eagerly. "We're going to show everyone why my babies are the cutest, and why Izuku is the strongest!"
"Man, I'm not going to even argue with that," Kirishima sighed. "I mean, I got pretty strong in Belzerg, even learned some sweet moves. But I saw you fight Iris, Midoriya. And damn. I know I couldn't take her on, but you kept up. Probably come down to you two in the finals."
"Hey, I like our chances!" Ashido said with a big grin. "Come on, we'll win this, right?"
"Yeah," Izuku agreed, nodding. "Four teams can make it to the finals. We can manage this."
"PREPARE YOURSELVES!" Megumin's voice bellowed. "THE TIME OF YOUR TRIAL IS NIGH!"
"...the match begins in one minute," Present Mic sighed. "And to think, I could have had Aizawa here…"
Authors Note:
If you're wondering how Vanir got all those cabbages, all I have to say is; how the heck did you get this far into this fic without going insane?
Anyway, this fic was resurrected thanks to the folks over on my discord, who voted for me to update it in a new monthly poll I'm running. I've started to take commissions for fics, and to make sure I don't abandon old ones, I'm doing both a free poll and a poll for 's monthly (I also started a for my youtube channel/fanfics) for two chapters. This one last months poll, so at long last it has returned.