Chapter 17 (Karmi's POV)

Sentimentality had its place, especially in fanfiction. But off the page, I had a lot more trouble feeling comfortable with it. A part of me hated feeling vulnerable. Really, really hated it…

It was a lot easier to play the tough act. And honestly, it wasn't all an act. I was tough. I had no trouble zapping the brains out of any thug that dared to cross me. You might even say I enjoyed it…

But everything about me felt like a contradiction at times.

I leaned back in my office chair, staring out the window of our small apartment.

All those years ago, I decided to write romance of all things. Really? What was I thinking? I enjoyed the notoriety in the nerd circles, but it put a few holes in my tough image. But at the same time, I wondered why I cared. In the end, I liked being me, all the oddities included. But the determination to embrace myself vulnerabilities and all, went out the window as soon as Baymax opened his mouth. Well, not that he had a mouth…

I knew I shouldn't drag this out, I should just sit him down and blurt out the truth. After all, what could he really say? Even if he was unhappy, he'd just have to deal with it. We both would. That's what the logical half of me had been saying for days now. But that annoying sentential side of me didn't want us to be unhappy about it, least of all him. The thought of him being unhappy felt like something I couldn't handle, and I prided myself on handling anything.

So there it was, the contradiction…

Because I was nothing like other women, and yet, in the cruelest twist of ironic fate, I was also exactly like all of them.

I closed my eyes spinning slowly in the chair.

Hiro had been fishing for days, knowing something was wrong with me, but I hadn't given him anything but lame excuses so far. I knew it was a game that could only go on for so long. He had a right to know, but that was hardly the point…

So what was the point…?

Sitting there, I wasn't sure. Or at least I didn't want to admit what was painfully obvious.

I was afraid.

I opened my eyes in defiance of the realization. But try as I might, I couldn't deny it, because it was the simple scientific truth. But afraid of what…?

But the question wasn't one that I had time to answer. Instead, the sound of the doorbell ringing caught me off guard.

When I glanced out the window I was surprised to see Gogo of all people. But better her than some San Fransokoyo freak, as I liked to call some of the oddballs in this city.

I opened the door and no sooner than I did she glanced over my shoulder nervously. "Is Hiro or Baymax around?"

"Uh no, it's just me… What's-"

"Good, fewer witnesses," she muttered before getting to the point. "Can I talk to you under one very strict condition?"

"S-Such as…?" I mumbled at a loss for what was making her so nervous.

"The condition that as soon as I leave you self-destruct this conversation in your head."

"Yeah, sure… But…what's wrong, are you alright?"

She didn't answer, just showed herself in before anyone could notice her on our step. For a second I thought something really serious was going on.

"Are we in danger?" I asked, a thousand dire possibilities running through my brain.

She just deflated with a sigh. "Conventainlly, no…But emotion is more dangerous than anti-matter."

I smirked, the pieces slowly falling into place. Gogo wanted to talk about emotion? A part of me found it ironic given my own train of thought. Another part wondered if she'd been replaced by an android sent to kill me. But I figured I give her the benefit of the doubt, after all, women were full of contradictions.

"Sure, have a seat," I said gesturing to the sofa.

She hesitantly sat down but was silent for a full minute. On her face seemed like a war that her more than a little unnerved. Finally, she bit the bullet and broke the ice. "I really don't like doing this… I could have talked to Honey Lemon, but she…" Gogo cringed. "She's so…perfectly comfortable with this sort of thing. I didn't think I was ready to have someone gush about it, I thought I might hurl, honestly."

I leaned back. "Yeah, been there…"

"Really?"

"Yeah, both metaphorically and otherwise…"

Gogo seemed a little confused by that, but went on. "I mainly just want a sounding board, to get this out at least once."

"Well, I'm listening."

The frown on her face grew until I almost thought she was angry. In reality, it was just the visible manifestation of a thousand internal vulnerability defense mechanisms. Finally, she shoved back at them enough to blurt out what was on her mind.

"Fred had the nerve to ask me to marry him," she said without taking a breath. Then she just sat there, her fists clenched and a look of anger/terror on her face.

I was pretty surprised myself, but before I could stop myself, a big smile came to my face.

"Aww, that's so-"

"Don't gush," she cut me off sharply.

I cleared my throat, trying to suppress my inner shipper. "Sorry. So, what did you say?" I asked, mustering the driest most matter-of-fact voice I could manage.

She was silent at first, before grumbling out a reply. "I really wish you wouldn't ask…"

I blinked a little confused. "Well, it's just a logical question," I tried to reassure her.

"There is no logic on this planet to explain why I agreed…"

Another smile broke free before I could stop myself. "Aren't you happy?" I asked, a little more sentimentally than she was comfortable with.

"Do I look happy?" she shot back, crossing her arms.

I sighed, thinking I understood. "Yes, actually."

"You're kidding…?"

"You're happy or you'd never have said yes, this is just the mandatory act you have to put on to save your pride. Even if it's just in front of yourself…"

I watched as her defenses softened a little. "Yeah, probably…"

I leaned into my hand, finding it all pretty obvious and by the book. "I wish I couldn't relate, but I totally can."

"Even after all this time? You're still awkward about…being married?" she had to choke the last part out, but I got the question.

"A little, yeah, but it's mostly something else…"

Now it was my turn to cringe while she stared at me. "Look," she finally said. "If you need to just come out with something, now's the time, after all, this conversation never happened."

In a way, we were a lot alike, Gogo and me. But when it came to resistance not even I had it as bad as she did. Still, my heart felt like it was stuck in my throat. But at the same time, a part of me thought this was the sort of thing you shared with friends, wasn't it? After days of keeping it in, I sorta wanted to tell someone. But that still didn't make it easy…

"I…we're…I mean..." I scoffed. "Why is this so hard…?"

But Gogo didn't press the issue, instead, she just waited patiently for me to find the words. But the words never felt right. No, not even in front of her, let alone Hiro. Because with them was all the fear and uncertainty, all the self-doubt. All the vulnerability that came with loving someone this much…

"I'm going to have a baby…" I finally whispered.

For a second, I just watched as her eyes widened in shock. But then they relaxed, some feeling behind them that was hard for me to read.

"Wow…" she whispered. "I thought I was the awkward one."

I smirked a little at her, some sense of relief filling me for just having said it. "Yeah, you're telling me."

"What about Hiro, does he know yet?"

"I really wish you wouldn't ask that…" I playfully said repeating her line.

A hint of a smile danced across her face. "It seems strange, doesn't it?" she mumbled. "Time I mean. He was just a kid when…" She hesitated. "When Tadashi died."

"Yeah…" I whispered, trying to lighten the mood. "Now we're old."

She smiled slightly again. "You're not old, I'm a lot older, after all. But um…he'd be really happy, you know that, right?"

I just looked at her, our eyes locked unflinchingly. I guessed the fear and doubt were plain to see on my face. So much so, that I didn't have to say anything, I just looked down.

For a second, neither of us said anything. But finally, I felt her hand touch my shoulder. It was a subtle but rare gesture, that meant more than I could say.

"He adores you, he always has," she said in a simple matter-of-fact way. And yet, her voice was also…sincere.

"Don't worry about stupid things like being good enough." I felt her hand pull back as she stood. Facing away from me she took a step toward the door. "Just…" she whispered before leaving.

"Be happy about it…"

I could have taken it as hypocritical advice, but I thought she understood too. Ironically, I thought we both did…

Ultimately, the only thing that separated courage from cowardice was a single action. The choice to face what scared you vs run from it. It was ironic because in a way, that was the same struggle Hiro was facing in his own way. The decision not to run away from your feelings…

It was evening now, and Hiro had been sleepily glancing over student reports for the last half hour. His tie was still hanging loosely around his neck and his shoes were strewn across the living room as usual. Normally, I would have complained about them by now, but today I almost felt sentimental looking at even his messy habits. Because they were so familiar…

He must have felt me staring because he glanced over his shoulder at me. "See anything interesting?" he teased with a goofy smile as always.

It was my cue to join in on the banter the way we always did. The way we always had… But the words didn't come, instead, I felt a frown appear before I could stop it.

The expression wasn't lost on him, because he suddenly looked concerned. "Uh, I was gonna pick them up really…" he mumbled half joking as he went to gather up his shoes.

"It's not the shoes, it's you," I said a little sharper than I'd meant. "We need to talk."

I watched the shoes slowly slip from his hands as a serious shadow cast across his face. "O-Okay…sure go ahead, I'm listening."

There it was, the perfect opening to just come out with it and get it over with. But instead of taking it, I hesitated. Because this still didn't feel right. I was doing the same thing I'd accused Gogo of, hiding behind anger and pride as a defense. It was something I'd always done. It gave me an edge of control no matter what was going on. Or at least, I felt like it did, when in reality, it was just a show. A show that could hurt other people…

On his face was such a horrible worried look, because he could tell couldn't he? That something was very wrong. A younger me would relish the opportunity to tease him for being worried I might be leaving him. But this me, right here at this moment felt tears run down her face.

"Karm? W-What's wrong?" he asked as he raced over to me. But something stopped him from putting his arms around me, as if the walls I was desperately trying to hold together had tangible form.

But in reality, I felt ashamed. Ashamed of all the vulnerability that I felt, of every tear he'd ever seen me cry. I always accused him of pushing me away, but I did it just as much, didn't I? For the sake of my pride…

Looking up into his brown eyes I mustered all the resolve I could.

"Please answer something honestly," I said ignoring the stubborn tears still running down my cheeks.

"O-Of course what is-"

"Do you regret us?" I asked directly cutting him off.

For a second he just stared at me like I was speaking another language so I attempted to clarify.

"I mean all the worry and vulnerability that comes with loving someone? I have to know, Hiro, I need to know the truth. Do you regret it? Even just a little? I know how hard it is for you to deal with the past and I…just want to know if I've complicated things."

I saw his tense shoulders relax slightly. "Let me think…" he whispered, titling his head thoughtfully. Then to my shock, he smiled. "Yeah, you really have complicated things. After all, women are made of pretty complicated stuff." He sighed. "And you probably take the cake compared to most of them."

It wasn't the answer I'd been hoping for, that much was for sure. "Hiro!"

But he just smiled again as he brushed a few tears from my cheek. "Just because you're complicated doesn't mean I regret anything. Because I don't. Not a thing."

I felt stupid, so stupid, but hearing him confirm what should have been obvious felt like such a relief that I fought to contain the emotion. Still, he didn't know everything yet. "B-But," I asked with a shaky but stubborn voice. "What if things got twice as complicated?"

He raised an eyebrow, before teasing me playfully. "Look, I know you're biotech, but I really can't get behind cloning."

A part of me enjoyed his sense of humor even as another part felt annoyed by it, as usual. "It's not cloning, but it's similar."

He just stared at first, seeming a little concerned. "You do know I was joking, right? Uh, w-what have you been doing at Viro Tech?"

I rolled my eyes, knowing he was clueless enough to make me spell it out. "I have my body double in a deep freeze as we speak. Or am I even the original?! We might have to consult one of Fred's comic books to find out!" I ranted in exasperation.

"Yeah, I'm totally confused now," he admitted with a smirk.

"You always are, Hiro…" I snarked, before going silent again.

But not deterred by my sour mood he reached to take my hand. "Then make it real simple for me. What's on your mind? Something has been for a while now, I'm not so stupid that I didn't notice."

This was it, the truly perfect opening. It was now or never, I had to end this.

"Things are officially twice as complicated now, Hiro. Maybe even more than twice given anybody with our combined traits has to be a handful."

It took him a second, even with his super-genius brain, but he finally got it. I knew he had, because he staggered backward and most of the color washed out of his face.

"Y-You mean…?" he mumbled.

"Yeah, it's about as bio as it gets."

I just stared at him, watching him struggle to pull himself back together. Running a nervous hand through his hair he finally looked back up at me. "Oh wow…"

I sighed. "Yeah, wow. Sorry I can't spiral with you, I'm already over most of the initial shock."

But he just said it again as he stepped closer. "Oh wow…"

"Is that a good wow, or a bad wow…?" I asked carefully. Ultimately, all I wanted to know was whether he was happy or not.

I…really wanted him to be.

"It's a great wow!" he finally said as he reached to hug me.

His voice sounded so sincere, so…happy. A part of me could hardly believe it. He almost seemed like a little kid himself…

"W-We're parents!" He pulled back long enough to look at me. The look on my face must have been hard to read because he frowned suddenly. "Are you happy…?"

There it was, that question I avoided truly asking myself. Because it was the hardest to admit, wasn't it? Because it meant finally learning to embrace that old enemy…

It meant letting myself be vulnerable.

"I want to be…" I finally whispered. "But my head is too full of about a million things to worry about. Hiro…" I added honestly. "Me a mom? Isn't that weird…? Won't I mess it up somehow…?"

"Sure, we'll both probably mess up a lot," he said without wavering. "But a future this great is worth a few mistakes here and there, don't you think?" He smiled at me with that same lopsided grin. "And I have a feeling our baby already agrees with me… I am always right, after all."

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. Instead, I pulled him closer and let the tears come freely.

At last, I wasn't trying to stop them…