BED
Mei stood behind a transparent barrier, clad in a welding mask, a biohazard suit, and a tinfoil hat. "Commencing test one of Baby 62-A, the ultimate bed. Test subject, you may enter the room."
"I have a name, you know," the test subject said irritably. He pulled the covers back on the bed and sat down on the big, fluffy mattress. The moment he touched it, the mattress writhed underneath him, fluffing itself until the test subject settled comfortably into it.
"Oh wow, that's soft." He set his face against a pillow. The moment it started heating up, the pillow flipped itself over without disturbing his head.
"And the pillows flip themselves too!" the test subject said. "What next? Does it serve you milk and cookies?"
A corner of the blanket went over to the fridge in the room, grabbed a carton of milk, hurled the microwave out the window, and heated the milk in a saucepan, because microwaves are for dullards and cowards. Then it took out the bag of cookie dough, threw that out the window, and made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from scratch.
The test subject moaned in ecstasy as they bit into a gooey, chocolatey cookie and washed it down with perfectly warm milk. Both felt like a hug from mom and dad, if his parents actually loved him.
"Oh wow, I actually feel ready to sleep," the test subject said. "But I should brush my teeth first."
The bed pried open his mouth, flossed around his teeth, then meticulously brushed, sprayed a flouride rinse in his mouth, shook him like a martini mixer, and upended him over the sink. Teeth brilliantly white, the test subject said, "Okay, but now I have to go to the bathroom."
The bed rustled. Just as he was about to leave the bed, he felt a sharp jab where no man wants to feel a sharp anything. In a scraggly falsetto voice, he asked, "Was that a catheter?"
Mei checked her notes. "That was a catheter."
"Why does the bed have a catheter?"
"Because it's the ultimate bed, one that you never have to leave." Mei grinned and said, "Never."
The test subject struggled, but the weighted blanket pinned his limbs down. Worn down and made drowsy by the warm milk, the test subject's eyes gradually closed. He snored softly in the pillow.
While they slept, the bed took his phone out of his pocket, turned off all the alarms, set it on do not disturb, turned it off, took out the battery and SIM card, then threw it out the window for good measure. It slipped a pair of headphones over his ears, a face mask over his eyes, and an IV into his arms.
Later, Hitoshi Shinso rose from bed, stretched his arms, and let out a huge yawn. He felt great. No, he felt amazing! He hummed to himself as he hopped out from under the covers and ran to the door.
A massive jungle greeted him.
500
A bed that forces you to sleep forever and never lets you leave? Shut up and take my money!