Aha! Another chapter! Be prepared for a training montage! Are you ready? Playing some inspirational music like the 2nd OP to BNHA? Are you?
Sorry. It's the one time I get to write like a shounen fic author.
-SpiritOfErebus
"You want… to train for the sports festival? That useless thing?" Hans said, raising an eyebrow.
"You implanted a memory in my head about beating an octopus before, right, Andersen-san?" Ojiro said. "Surely, you can put, I don't know, a couple of days of training in our heads, right?"
Hans paced back and forth, looking at the three.
"Sure. I'll make a training plan for you all for a month. I still don't understand why you're doing this, though."
"To beat the system, we must first become integral parts of the system." the three said in unison, as if they had rehearsed the phrase.
And they had. In order to convince Hans to help them, they had to come up with a valid reason from Hans's viewpoint.
But the real reason why they were training was very different…
Hans was bitter. He was angry. But most importantly… he had low self esteem. For some reason, Kirishima recognized that first out of the three.
What Hans said about society was correct. The unnecessary emphasis of fame on Heroes was causing more harm than good, and being a hero shouldn't be about the fame anyways. All three of them agreed on that.
However, there was no reason why Hans should just… go ahead and give up on the sports festival. Without establishing himself as somebody that could succeed, he wouldn't be able to truly say that fame didn't matter without having it himself. If it was a bitter, sore loser saying that statement out of spite, that wouldn't be… exactly great… at proving his point.
Therefore, they had to be able to push Hans through the first and second rounds, both with cutoff quotas that mostly mirrored the numbers of thirty two and sixteen. Then, he could prove himself in the mostly individual third rounds while aiming to roast people he hadn't roasted yet, namely Bakugo. Even Yaoyorozu could see the many, many character defects in Bakugou that were so obvious they practically waved hello every time she met him, and Hans would probably enjoy doing something like that.
But all of that necessitated the ability of the three to carry Hans through the first and second rounds.
Looking at Hans now, all they could see was Hans muttering and tapping on his tablet, muttering something about "showing Merlin what real hero creation was like", or something.
"I'll get back to you tomorrow." Hans said, his eyes suddenly intense and bloodshot. "And if you fail the sports festival after what I'm about to do, you may as well get out of this school."
…
After posting an announcement on his story that he wouldn't be updating today, Hans chugged down a can of coffee, disregarded his math homework, and began to work.
"A month of training…"
First, he had to jailbreak their quirks. Sadly, Hans didn't know a single thing about doing things like that. Maybe if there was somebody in their class that was obsessed with quirks, Hans could probably ask them, but all they had was an idiot that carried around a notebook and couldn't even figure out their own basic strength quirk.
Just distribute the strength around your body if you can't handle it in one limb, idiot!
Anyways, Hans knew little in the way of training. Most authors "trained" by reading a ton of books, but that wasn't exactly training, was it?
But he had been told about a certain narcissistic martial artist's training back in Chaldea… and was a reluctantly admitted rival with another crazy magus…
There was an idea…
Hans sat down, and began to reminisce about the time spent in that madhouse.
…
"You said you trained a thousand students, but so what? Your students ended up working for the communists and Chiang Kai Shek, following in your footsteps as government dogs. So, what did you really leave behind other than a terrifying reputation?"
Li Shuwen fell silent. He raised his hands to speak several times, before defaulting back to standard martial artist talk.
"I could crush your sternum with one punch."
"That still doesn't change the fact that you were just a failure of a teacher." Hans said, smirking and leaving.
After that, Hans suffered through several long, rambling lectures by a normally taciturn old man about how to train martial arts students.
Oh, curse his habits of roasting everybody he sees!
…
"And what's with that pathetic self image?" Hans said, looking at the smiling face of Leonardo Da Vinci. "Mimicking the wife of a merchant that asked you for a painting… There are plenty of good paintings, but the only reason you chose that form is because it's the most famous! Your standards of beauty are as surface level as the proletariat you claim to have better taste than."
Needless to say, what followed were many explanations about art history and mystic code design.
Sometimes, Hans couldn't help but speak up.
"...And another thing! Why exactly does Master need to wear spandex?" Hans said, looking at the jumpsuit that was supposedly a "switch mystic code". "Wouldn't spending your time on a personal defense system be better? Or some lightweight armor that I'm certain a caster class servant can make. I mean, just look at the Bronze Link Manipulators that keep popping up in the summoning chamber. If a normal magus can make something that useful, then why can't you?"
There were a lot of drones that began to harass him after that, mostly in the shape of Da Vinci's owl.
Oh, curse his habits of roasting everybody he sees… again!
…
It was in the depths of two in the morning that Hans finally looked up from the stack of papers piled on his desk. He shook his head and held out his hand. The Ice Queen sleepily handed him a block of ice, which he placed against his temples for a quick wake-up call.
"I'm done?" Hans muttered, looking down at the attempts at making impressions of the two servants in the different scenes, along with the understandings that he had of his classmates.
"Will… this work?" Hans thought, thinking back at his attempts at writing a five minute backstory for Ojiro, and that weird inspirational one for Kirishima.
It'll… probably work, right?
…
Hans shook himself awake. Balefully, he looked up at the three hero students still looking down at him in the classroom.
"Why are you all here?"
"You fell asleep five minutes ago. We thought you were… preparing." Ojiro said.
"It was you that didn't want us to wake him up." Yaoyorozu said, smiling thinly. "Can we… start now?"
"Before I start, are you sure that you all want me to do this? This could mess with your head… Cause backstory dysphoria… You know…"
Yaoyorozu looked at Kirishima and Ojiro, slightly concerned.
"Did you guys feel any of that?"
"Just a bit confused." Ojiro shrugged.
"I didn't feel any side effects, I guess." Kirishima said. "Just… really inspired."
"Okay." Yaoyorozu said, nodding. "We'll do it."
"Fine, fine." Hans said. "This should take just about five minutes total. You'll go in there, train for a month, and then leave."
"I'm not sure I understand…How long will this take?" Kirishima said, raising an eyebrow. "The sports festival is coming up pretty soon, you know? A month may be too long."
"It'll just be five minutes. Weren't you listening?" Hans said, slightly irritated" And are we starting or not?"
Hans took out his tablet, and with a snap of his fingers, blue pages began to pour out of the screen, swirling around the three.
And kept swirling.
And kept… swirling.
"How much did you write!?" Yaoyorozu shouted as the swirling papers began to converge.
"...Way too much." Hans sighed. "Have fun in there. Hopefully, you'll enjoy the selection of mentors."
"Wait, wha-"
…
Three in-memory days later
…
"Faster!"
The unreasonably spry old man said, overlooking the three with an impassive eye. His black sunglasses glittered in the unrealistic sunlight as Yaoyorozu, Kirishima, and Ojiro sweated.
"Stronger!"
"Haaah!"
The three yelled in unison, throwing their fists forward. Yaoyorozu felt the air curving around her arms, felt every muscle in her leg and shoulder flex as she tried to emulate the old man's form.
Or, should she say… Li Shuwen. Apparently, this was a person that Hans had "known", and respected as a martial arts instructor.
"Hold that position!" Li grunted, pacing around the three.
"Good." he said, nodding down at Kirishima, who gave a shark-toothed grin in response. "But still too stiff! Loosen up your shoulders. Your arms are a flail, and your shoulders are the hands controlling it."
"Decent." he said. "You won't be going unarmed, given what information Hans has given me, but it's still good that you can throw a punch. And you…"
Ojiro whimpered.
"Who taught you that footwork!"
"M-my father…" Ojiro said, muttering while looking down at the floor. His karate uniform was soaked in sweat, but the old man wearing a fur coat and old-fashioned, long sleeved wear hadn't broken a sweat.
"He is a mere amateur." Li grunted. "And you still insist on sticking with his stance?"
"But my weight… It's unbalanced, sir." Ojiro said. "After all, my tail-"
"Third arm." Li said, looking at the muscular limb.
"-Third arm is… rather heavy."
"To properly learn martial arts, you must view it as a third arm!" the old man said sternly. "Martial arts aren't made for monkeys. . They're made for men! Monkeys have tails and men have arms! And I'll make a man out of you both… Go for mechanics practice, by the way, Yaoyorozu. You're not needed here anymore"
Yaoyorozu nodded, before sending a commiserating nod towards the two still in the room.
"I'll teach you these lessons if I have to beat them into you! Special powers are no reason to slack on martial arts training! Or adjust the techniques that I've perfected for years!"
"But my hardening quirk can-"
Kirishima flew through the dojo wall.
"Footwork!" Li roared.
Yaoyorozu sighed numbly. This was the third day in a row in which that had happened to Kirishima. She opened another door in front of her and stepped in just as the wall began to miraculously repair itself.
But what followed next was probably even worse than martial arts training. It was something that was truly mentally taxing.
Working with a person that looked like the Mona Lisa that claimed they were an interpretation of Da Vinci was that task.
Because what sane person would be able to design such dubious constructions that somehow worked? And claimed that magic actually existed?
"I know what you're thinking." the woman said, smiling thinly. "You're much more tolerable than that insolent fool Hans Christian Andersen. Your questions don't sting in the slightest."
"Why are you saying his full name, by the way?" Yaoyorozu said, picking up a blueprint and inspecting what circuit she was supposed to practice making instantaneously today.
"Hmm, well… It all started with… Wait, I can't say it?"
"Yes." an image of Hans appeared, floating in the air as if it were an actual spirit. "I didn't want any of our backstories getting out and confusing everybody, obviously."
"The real reason was probably your laziness." Da Vinci said, grinning in a predatory fashion. Yaoyorozu could empathize with her. Getting a verbal win over Hans was a rarity.
"I'm not real here." the image of Hans said. "I'm just a preprogrammed message. Well, I'll leave you to your lessons."
Yaoyorozu sighed and returned back to the blueprints. She never once thought she would dislike learning about construction.
…
Kirishima flexed his hand, hardened it, and blocked yet another punch, before dragging it towards himself and hardening his whole body.
"Ojiro! Now!" he yelled, bracing for impacts.
Hand chops came at his neck. Hits met his rib cage and his sides. As he felt his armor capitulating, Ojiro took advantage of Li Shuwen being trapped and attacked, going for the knees with his tail and his one arm with his two arms.
"At least you all can do basic strategizing." Li said approvingly. "Much better than those berserker meatheads."
Li used the hardened Kirishima as a stand, before using the leg entangled by Ojiro's tail to throw Ojiro around. Then, with his free left arm, he brought a fist to Kirishima's chest… and executed what had to be a very awkward yet effective one inch punch.
Kirishima's skin cracked as it impacted, the impact webbing all over his skin as he slid back three meters, his legs still fixed into a stable stance as his sharp toes scratched into the soft, padded floors.
"You actually forced me to use twenty percent of my strength." Li said. "Not bad. But while your armor is rendered invalid, your ally will be vulnerable. Look closely and remember Ojiro, with the right amount of skill and technique, it does not matter if your opponent has skin of steel, you will still deal damage."
"No." Kirishima said, gritting his teeth. His skin had indeed cracked, but so what? He still had his dermis. And fatty tissue layers. And muscles. And… whatever layers that lay underneath the epidermis. "I'm not done yet."
"I admire your tenacity, but can you tolerate the pain?" Li Shuwen said, his old-fashioned sunglasses glinting in the bright lights. "I will no longer hold back with my technique, though you will not see my full strength. It is to teach you exactly how far you have yet to go."
Ojiro looked at Kirishima. "Are you sure you can handle it?"
"This much is nothing." Kirishima said, grinning. Small bits of blood ran off the cracks of his skin and into the mats, but it was just superficial damage. Most of his body still wasn't damaged, and he could still keep going!
Of course, that illusion was shattered once his shoulder's bone was almost broken in two from a glancing blow.
"Too firm of a defense is also a liability!" Li roared, as Kirishima slowly got back to his senses. "The reason why humans can take so many hits is that they have steely rigidity within the softness of flowing water! Seek the balance! The yin and yang!"
"Yes, sir…" he mumbled, shielding his eyes from the light shining in from the white void above.
…
"Again, you probably know this, but this is a recorded message." Hans's voice said dully. "So either I would have to write myself into this training scene, or I could just, well, jailbreak your quirks from brainstorming fight scenes.
"Yaoyorozu? Your quirk should focus on making technology and tools of assassination. Guns are good, and guns are great. I forgot about this thing midway through and I'm not adding Fuuma in here. I also have no idea how his training works, so I'll just show you a ton of assassins battling it out and put the memory of those types of movements in your head."
Yaoyorozu looked down at her hands. Was she really going to need to become an assassin?
"Also, drones are great. You can keep mass producing them and have a headset that directs their motions where they can self-destruct on their targets. They even can track their targets if you set up a beacon thing that remotely controls them or something. Programming would be an obstacle, though, but I'm sure you can have some sort of USB you can carry around and plug into the drones or something. You could always find time in the real world to buy a really great drone design that somehow bypasses this, but I should stop rambling.
"Ninja training?" Kirishima said, slowly smiling. "Hey, that sounds pretty nice. Maybe we could get in on that action."
"Now, I know what you're thinking." Hans said, looking at where Ojiro was sitting. "Did you really think that you can accommodate the assassin style? For some of you, yes. But for you? No. Your quirk doesn't really give you an advantage in mobility."
"Is he… really speaking to me?" Ojiro said, whispering to Kirishima.
"I don't know."
"Oh, wait, Kirishima, are you sitting there? If you are, then good. If you aren't then… I'll just…"
The image of Hans turned and scribbled something, and Kirishima felt his seat switch with Ojiro's suddenly, a flash of blue punctuating the only change in the atmosphere.
"Why couldn't I have just changed my script?" Hans muttered. "Why did I write it in pen? Why am I writing my mistakes down?"
Yaoyorozu giggled.
"Okay, I'll be real. I'm really sleep deprived right now, so I'll make this quick. Ojiro? Your quirk is… pretty average. Yes, I'm making a joke about how average it is."
Ojiro's tail drooped down, falling flat against the floor.
"Come to think of it, why is it covered in skin? Why not like fur or something? Doesn't it get itchy or cold or something? Nevermind that. You just need to keep up your martial arts training. What makes your tail special is you. And the countless hours you'll have to spend on actually making yourself useful. But don't forget to, well, use a tail like animals. They can be interesting inspiration sources."
"And what about me?" Kirishima said, flexing one arm while clenching his fist in the other. It sort of looked like he was flexing both arms, but if one suffered in this training hell for long enough, then one could tell the difference."
"Oh, wait, and for Yaoyorozu, why do you eat cakes for lipids? They're almost all carbohydrates. Try eating some tallow. Or animal oils. Have you tried keeping a flask of oil on you? Just a thought."
Yaoyorozu turned to the other two. "What's this tallow he speaks of? My family doesn't cook very often, and-"
"We get it." Ojiro and Kirishima sighed. "You're rich."
Yaoyorozu sighed as well. "Why am I just so… ignorant?"
"Before you collapse into a self-doubting mess, Yaoyorozu, don't worry. Those two are only pretending to know what it is too. Hell, I found out with a Google search." Hans said, shrugging. "And for Kirishima..."
Kirishima perked up after having his small fib told to the unfortunate patient of affluenza.
"Have you considered using your quirk like a knife? A axe? Can you control what shapes your skin hardens into? That could potentially be really useful, you know? Like, making smooth edges and curved edges instead of being a block optimal for taking hits at full capacity?"
"That's what my quirk is made for, though! Taking hits!" Kirishima shouted.
From outside of the room, an old man leapt through the window, kicked Kirishima in the shins, and leapt out again.
"Footwork!" Li Shuwen shouted. "I have never had a student as daft as you!"
"I put that in, by the way." Hans said dully, as another illusion behind Kirishima's back. "Anytime you say something like that, Li Shuwen will come here and kick you in the shins."
…
The twenty-ninth day was here. Through the haze of training, heckling, and Kirishima getting kicked in the shin until day twenty five, this… was the final day of the test.
Their bodies had not sustained any damage. This was basically a dream, after all.
"So… What will we be doing today? Where's the schedule?"
"Tha schedzhule fer today is wombat trainin'" the image of Hans slurred. "Oim wei too sleep depraved."
With a flash, the scene changed. The background faded to interchanging patches of white blankness and grasslands.
Then, a gigantic stone monster erupted from the ground. Its six fingers and and three arms gave the distinct impression that not a lot of thought was put into the final day.
"Okay. Let's do this." Yaoyorozu said, making herself a pair of standard issue camo military pants and a rather short tank top. Daggers sprouted from her hands, and drones slowly began to pop out of her shoulder. Then, she began to upload simple programs into said drones with a USB.
Kirishima's preparations weren't complex at all. He just cracked his neck and grinned, getting into a fighter's stance.
Ojiro basically mimicked Kirishima, but instead of standing on his legs, he was bouncing around on his tail, ready to perform mobile maneuvers.
The stone monster opened its maw, and-
Yaoyorozu sat up, drones still popping out from her shoulder. Ojiro sprung up into the ceiling, dislodged several ceiling tiles, and got stuck in the gridwork. Kirishima slammed his elbow down on the ground so hard that the ground cracked.
"Oh!" Hans shouted, pushing off the eyemask he had been wearing. "I swear I'll update! I swea- Thi-this is UA. I haven't been kidnapped by angry readers…yet."
There was just silence. The two on the floor and the one on the ceiling just stared at Hans before they sprang into action once more.
"It teleported us! Kirishima, shield!" Ojiro yelled, breaking free of the ceiling and holding out his arms defensively, looking right and left. Kirishima reflexively flexed his forearms, creating a much smoother surface on his arms than he was capable of before.
"Ah, good. You're finally awake." Hans said drowsily, forcing himself from pacing around the two and looking up at Ojiro. "Any brain damage? Can you all still think?"
"Where's the stone monster?" Ojiro said, narrowing his eyes.
"Why are we in UA? Did the background finally load in?" Kirishima muttered, slowly turning himself to the left. Ojiro mirrored his motion, keeping their backs in a back to back position while continuously surveying the room.
"Wait. This is in the real world." Yaoyorozu said. "Look! Hans doesn't look like he's been described by a sleep deprived high schooler anymore!"
"Addressing me by my first name, now?" Hans said. "Whatever. I don't really care. You all are clearly okay. Just… pay for the ceiling, alright? And we have a math test tomorrow."
Hans walked out of the room, rubbing his eyes.
"Test?"
"What math test?" Kirishima said.
"Don't look at me." Ojiro said, shrugging. "It's been a month. What's today's date, anyways?"
Yaoyorozu looked up at a digital clock.
"Hmm…" she said. "To be perfectly honest, I don't remember. Wait, Hans! What day is it?"
"It's time for you to get a calendar."
…
It was time for Todoroki to leave. He had seen everything.
The hallways seemed to stretch out forever as he stared at the four people that had just popped out of a random classroom after five minutes of dead silence, two loud crashing noises, a lot of shouting, and then nothing.
"What else could there be…" Todoroki muttered, "But a cult of personality?"
…
That chapter should be a pretty lighthearted one, right? A far cry from all of the roasting that's been going on in the previous chapters.
At least one of the source material things are shounen. I thought I'd bend to that part of the narrative.
It's a bit scatterbrained, but it's a training montage. Normally, this would take like… two minutes in an anime. And I've given you all a chapter of this thing. Well, this is it. Chapter seventeen…
Yay…
Want a writer training montage? Discord link: discord . gg / 9t9MK3jHmV
(I have a surprising population of authors on there :P)
-SpiritOfErebus
…
(Shameless self promotion: Want more societal commentary fics? Want more fics about monetary troubles and the economic system of an equally troubled world? I have one as an OC pokemon fic. If all respect for me has died because I said that statement, I accept that. It isn't that great since I'm not that great, but I'm trying! It's also decently long and I'm actually working on it, so make sure to give it a shot if you're interested!)
(It's not the discontinued one btw)