WELCOME EVERYONE TO THE EIGHTH EDITION OF THE KICK-ASS STORY, THE BATTLE CATS: X. SIT BACK, RELAX, AND ENJOY THE SHOW!
Now is the beginning of a new arc in The Battle Cats: X, The Giant Safe Arc! Bob and the Cats are exploring Australia while planning out their attack which will make them obtain the Didgeridoo. Bob is doing bench presses with a large bone he found on the ground.
Bob: So, we got the Energy Drinks now, so our upper rate of energy is increased, therefore our income rate is increased too! Nice one. he smirks as he lifts the large bone up and down
Axe Cat: That's just what I said! You can't deny it at all. We're going to become crazy rich once we get our hands on the Didgeridoo treasures. Heheh.
Gross Cat: using Cat as a kettlebell and doing squats with him This is going to be a breeze. No new bosses, no unique enemies in the mix. If you were to ask me, I believe it's all smooth sailing. he chuckles as he continues to lift Cat Oh damn, you're heavy...
Cat: mumbling in embarrassment before speaking up This is not fun...nor does it get me active. But to stay on topic, they could perform unpredictable moves we have never seen before! So it is best not to assume the lightest when it comes to these guys and their capabilities. he turns to Gross Cat and presses his paws on his body Gross Cat, your grip is way too loose, I might fall of your hands...
Tank Cat: sipping glassed water, looking quite different Hey guys! What's up? Are we ready to head to the battlefield or what? I feel like I can run right into a brick wall! Heh, Energy Drinks talking...he is buzzing and his fur is frizzing up
Bob: Hey Tank, how much of those did you have today? That shit looks like it did a toll on you...speaking from experience. he shutters after thinking about his childhood memory involving energy drinks Merda...(Shit...)
Tank Cat: About...3, maybe 4 cans? I was thirsty! And plus we have enough to last for years! At least a million is stored back in our storage room. Hahah. he can barely hold his glass as water manages to drip out
Axe Cat: Jesus, we have ourselves a caffeine addiction! But I should get some more too, imagine how powerful I can be with all that caffeine in my blood.
Gross Cat: I feel like being a lightning bolt today...hey Tank Cat, how are you feeling at the moment? he smirks as he places his paw on his shoulder
Tank Cat: Great and terrible! If that makes any sense whatsoever! he does a cheesy grin and finishes the almost full glass of water in one sitting
Cat: Yeah...none of us are taking that risk. he sneers as he attempts to nudge Tank Cat, but the caffeine made his reflexes so quick he actually managed to dodge it Woah...yeah, let's get out of here before he can damage the backyard.
Everyone par Cat and Tank simultaneously: Agreed...
The four Cats and Bob make their way outside, they take a good look at the Australian themed enemy base. It is a model based off of the Uluru site in Australia. It has two Koalas, presumably a mother and child on top of the famous red sandstone. It also has a brown bamboo stick on top. Inside, the enemies are all discussing the defeat of Hippoe.
Snache: Doge, why didn't we help Hippoe out and let them get a huge advantage on Bob? he stares at Doge with question
Doge: Because if we did that, then Hippoe would be pissed off at how we didn't respect their "honor" as a boss. Why do you expect me to know everything and everyone's feelings? I'm not some scientist. he sighs as he turns to see Those Guys with a billboard and a screen projector What the actual fuck...
That Guy B: It is a really cool plan we made out to defeat the Battle Act once and for all!
That Guy A: Please check it out...we worked really hard on it. And- gets distracted YOU! STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE! he glares at That Guy C
That Guy C: he seems offended as he is forced to stop Hey! I mainly breathe through my nose! And in order to breathe efficiently, nothing must clog the nose hairs. Also, how the hell do I have a nose if I don't visibly have one...he begins to question Ponos' design choices on him and his two peers OR A MOUTH!?
The two other Guys slap him in the back of the head for disrespecting Ponos. And they refocus on the matter at hand! That Guy A gets the presentation ready while Those Guys B and C get extra lighting going. To make the environment extra illuminating!
That Guy C: Okay, sit down boys! The presentation will start soon...
Doge, Snache, and That Guy B all sit down. Those Guys A and C glare at him, and he is forced to stand up. He miserably makes his way to the front alongside the other two, and joins them in the presentation.
That Guy A: "How to deal with Roberto Mourinho Jablovskyy!" A presentation by Those Guys. Copyright, all rights reserved.
Doge: jokingly Shit...I wanted to steal that and make it my own, ah well. he puts on some 3-D glasses
Snache: Take them off...please!? he groans as he looks at Doge You look like a chump.
Doge: Take off that water color paint, then we'll talk. he snickers as he stares into the presentation, to Snache's defeat
That Guy B: The Plan! We will go to Bob and beg for forgiveness. He will say yes. We go into his life and become good friends, but then we poison his drink and he dies! he laughs menacingly
On the board, is a doodle of three muscular looking stickmen, and a terribly drawn Dog and Snake. And then the frame pans to the same stickmen cheering alongside a terribly drawn Human with unrealistic proportions. And then the frame pans to that same Human on the floor with a purple splash underneath him, and a broken glass cup containing the liquid. The final frame contains a picture of one of Those Guys holding the globe like a Ping-Pong ball by pinching it.
That Guy C: after a long explanation of the plan And we get the world to ourselves! You two are in this frame, I just didn't have enough room to fit...whoopsie! he blushes as he holds the remote control of the presentation monitor, to which he turns off Any questions?
Doge and Snache both raise their "hands" at the same time. Doge's glasses fall off his face and land on his crotch, to his pain. He puts up his other paw up.
Doge: Make that two questions...do you have any ice? And what the hell did I just witness? he stares in disbelief
Snache: Can you draw me as a muscular hunk next time? he giggles I need to get a girlfriend, so I must have a good online profile picture.
That Guy A: Answering all your questions in chronological order. Here's some ice! he tosses a batch of ice at Doge's face, which perfectly lands on his crotch, just like his glasses did Secondly, it was a good plan! How dare you! And Snache, of course I will draw you all muscular, but that was his drawing skills...he points at That Guy B I did the text filling, and That other Guy did all the coloring! he points at That Guy C Plus you are never getting a girlfriend.
Snache: Well fuck you! I'm going out to fight Bob head on. And maybe question whether I can actually get a girl...
Doge: Not even I can get a girlfriend, and I'm the cute one! Imagine someone trying to go after a scaly freak like you. he cackles, before getting slapped in the face by Snache's tail IT WAS A JOKE! Chill...
Outside, the Cats and Bob all nosily eavesdropped on the Enemies and heard everything. They all laugh loudly at the nonsense they get up to.
Gross Cat: They're even funnier than us. Hahahahah! I want to see that presentation...he sighs in dissatisfaction
Tank Cat: LET ME BARGE THE DOOR OPEN! he does exactly what he said he'd do, barge the door open Ow...that hurt. Doesn't matter! he shakes a lot from all the caffeine
Cat: I don't know what's the most surprising...the presentation, or the fact that Doge couldn't get a girlfriend, heh. Out of all of the enemies, he's definitely the most likely to get one! he giggles as he slowly steps inside
Axe Cat: If you were to ask me on what's the most surprising thing we heard, all the damn above! I'm going in, and Matilda is going to smash all of the enemies one by one.
Bob: No, I'll smash them all simultaneously. Eles são muito fáceis. (They are very easy) he flicks his toothpick and cracks his neck Okay everyone make your way in, and go fucking crazy!
Bob rushes in, Tank Cat is quick to follow, Axe Cat goes in next, then Cat comes in. And Gross Cat initially just stands there to giggle, but calms down and rushes in to catch up. Now inside, they see the Didgeridoo variants as well as the enemies all inside.
Doge: I told you we should have gotten noise cancellation curtains! he scoffs in anger Now Bob and his peers are here to kick our asses.
Snache: Woah, Tank Cat looks really fucked up in the head. And...everywhere else...he can't maintain a straight face as he sees Tank Cat
Tank Cat: It's the southern hemisphere! January is probably the hottest month here! I had to drink SOMETHING in order to keep myself cool, so I drank a good amount of the energy drinks we obtained. Now I'm crazy as fuck! he is shaking like crazy
Axe Cat: pushes Tank Cat aside Woah, easy there, cowboy. he turns around Okay, who shall I pick to slash today? Tough choices, tsk. he shrugs OH MATILDA! I have to sharpen you...he grabs some sandpaper and walks away
Cat: Well, I'm just going to charge and whoever comes at me can fight!
The Battle begins! Cat impulsively charges straight at the enemies, Those Guys all pounce on him and pin him down. They begin slapping him, causing Cat to bruise up and get a black eye. He yelps in pain.
Cat: OW! WHY THOSE GUYS? ALL THEY DO IS SLAP, AND IT HURTS! he hisses, and attempts to bite them off Bob, help me please! he stares at him with desperation
Bob: Can't do that, I'm busy with Doge over here! he attempts to punch Doge who dodges his attack
Doge: Nice try, big guy! Here comes the Pit-bull...RIGHT AT YOUR FACE!
Doge reaches up and bites at Bob and bites his sunburnt neck. Causing a lot more pain than usual, his neck begins bleeding and blistering.
Bob: GAH! he coughs some blood ...And finding some decent aftersun! Meu Deus! (Oh my God!)
Bob wastes no time as he slams Doge onto the ground and kicks his upper chest in. Doge is all bruised up and bleeds out from the pressure. Bob takes this moment to run away into a more urban area and search for sun protection.
Cat: visibly in a worse position Fuck! We should have gotten sunscreen, I forgot Humans don't grow fur...he turns to Gross Cat Gross Cat! Help me... he continues to try and bite them off, but he is pressed down by all three of Those Guys and therefore, is unable to move
Gross Cat: I'd love to help you out buddy, but Snache is attempting to give me a free Appendix removal! Get off me...he whines as he shakes his bitten leg with Snache on it It's not even infected!
Snache smirks as he bites deeper into Gross Cat's leg, causing it to bleed out. But he can't help but smirk at Gross Cat's unique sense of humor, but continues to bite deep into it.
Snache: muffled We have a comedian here, nice one. Would you like me to offer you a circumcision instead? he grins, seeming to share his sense of humor
Gross Cat: Nope! he successfully shakes him off and kicks him How about some paint thinner? Heheh.
Snache: No way! Piss off with that, Daddy Long Legs.
The two continue to fight it out, a lot of biting and kicking is present. As Gross Cat slams his long leg into Snache's tail, he charges at him. But he trips over Snache and falls over, causing his head to bleed out.
Cat: Shit...he looks at Tank Cat Hey Tank Cat! Can you help me out here? I'm getting fucked up right now. he endures more slapping and bunching from Those Guys Huh? Tank? Where did he go?
Tank Cat is zooming at the container containing the inferior Didgeridoo. He seems locked in as he continues to head-butt at insane speed. But due to his height, and low strength, he can only make it wriggle, and not actually fall out. Unfortunately, he passes out from exhaustion and is unable to do anything.
Cat: Actually, never mind...he sighs in defeat, before turning to Axe Cat, who is sharpening his Axe with sandpaper Hey Axe Cat! Help a brother out, will you? he stares into his eyes in desperation for assistance
Axe Cat: No can do...making sure Matilda is in peak shape before I use her against these scumbags...he gives his axe a kiss before continuing his sharpening process
Cat: clearly pissed off You can forget about her, I mean it for a moment! Just help me out, it won't take much time, just clear out Those Guys and you're good!
Axe Cat: Okay, okay! Sheesh. I guess you will have no other choice but to witness a badass rescue mission. he smirks as he rushes at Those Guys with his axe
Axe Cat pounces on That Guy A and whacks him with his axe. He bleeds out and screams in agony as his head is dripping blood. That Guy B gets punished with a bite to the shoulder, and an axe to slice it, causing a deep cut on his left shoulder blade. That Guy C attempts to make a run for it, but is stopped by the now free Cat as he bites his face, and Axe Cat slices at his feet.
Axe Cat: Thanks for helping me out there...he grins as he picks up his axe again
Cat: And thank you for prioritizing me over Matilda, I MEAN YOUR AXE! Cat stresses out as he begins to fall under Axe Cat's obsession towards his axe Ugh...my head is in agony! he rubs his head in pain I think I'm going to lie down...
Axe Cat: Heheh, I only did it because Matilda asked me to! he gives his axe a kiss, only for Cat to scratch his face with his claws
Cat: Tank Cat under caffeine is more sane than you! he snarls as he goes to a wall, and collapses on it, asleep
Tank Cat wakes up and feels all drowsy. He mumbles as he regains consciousness. He sees where he is and what his friends are all up to. He is quick to join in on the havoc. Seeming to understand everything he needs to know.
Tank Cat: Say, where did Bob go? he grabs his neck as he approaches Axe Cat
Axe Cat: Off to spend some money on sunscreen and after-sun. What a fucking loser. At his ethnicity, he should be surviving this sun for ten hours before getting a tan. Let alone a burn!
Tank Cat: He was sunbathing early in the morning. It was a UV level 10 a few hours back. I even feel my nose crisping up! Maybe that's the energy drink but still...
Axe Cat: Axe Cat, carrying The Battle Act like usual! he flexes his muscles as he carries Those Guys out to burn in the Australian summer sun
Gross Cat: Phew! I think I made Snache unconscious...a while back, he was slamming his leg into Snache's head over and over until he stopped moving Now what are you two waffling about? he approaches them, smirking
Tank Cat: We talked about a lot of stuff! Such as enemies, Bob, treasure, and "who's better at what?"!
Gross Cat: So the usual, huh? Okay I can live without that. he sneers as he scoots his way onto the floor to be in level with the other two Cats height wise
Doge: I'm still conscious you know! Now I shall finish y- he interrupts himself as turns to Cat Oh shit...Those Guys really fucked him up. despite laughing at his enemy for a bit, he genuinely looks worried for Cat Wow, I have no words...he slowly approaches Cat Hey...are you good? he gently nudges Cat
Cat was asleep and wakes up to see Doge right next to him, at first he was confused, but he is too sore all over his body to care. He has a black eye, his upper lip is bleeding, and his right ear is crumpled a bit. And he has bruises all over his body.
Cat: grumbles as he shakes his head, before responding weakly Doge? What are you doing checking up on me? Do you believe finishing me is too unfair? he giggles at his weak attempt of humor
Doge: he manages to let out a brief chuckle In a way yeah...but I mainly came to check on you. We may be enemies and all, but I have known you for so long. So you aren't just some ass, you're my ass...pretend that I never uttered such words ever again. he blushes in embarrassment and cackles loudly to hide it
Cat: he was genuinely touched by Doge's words and can't help but smile Yeah...I suppose I am your ass, HAH! he nudges Doge weakly before resting on his body But I appreciate it Doge, you looking out for me. I could compare you to my allies! I'm just going to rest here until someone picks me up. he yawns If that's okay with you?
Doge: Right...you do that mate...you do that. he looks at Cat once more before scratching his ears and leaving him rest with a blanket over most of his body, he eventually turns towards the other Cats Okay, I can't take on all three of you at once! So just take the treasure and leave. And for Cat, take him too...he grabs the other enemies and makes his way out
Gross Cat: Is there something that I am missing here?Did Doge literally comfort Cat without hesitation!? he stares at the whole scene in disbelief
Tank Cat: Long lasting rivalry, you become close to your enemies after fighting them for so long...he sighs happily It's a wholesome thing really.
Axe Cat: Clearly the Energy Drinks are all speaking at the moment because I, will never become close with Ninja Cat. he attempts to grab the Superior Didgeridoo but is too short to reach it, he sighs in embarrassment Gross Cat...?
Suddenly out of nowhere, Bob comes back with a factor 50 of sunscreen in a 300ml bottle, and an After-Sun 300ml. He looks around the room in confusion.
Bob: Olá Gatos! (Hey Cats!) he investigates the Australian base I was gone for 30 minutes...and this is what happens to the battle after I'm gone? DAMN IT! he is visibly disappointed
Gross Cat: grabbing all three variants of the Didgeridoo Yep, this is exactly what happens when you're not around. But you still did some kick-ass stuff Bob, don't get me wrong on that. he wobbles as he holds the Treasures tight in his clutch Oh and can you carry Cat? He fell asleep. And Doge was comforting him.
Bob: What?! he's in disbelief Ah, that explains the unexplained blanket wrapped on him. Heh, I'll carry him back I guess...he picks him up and goes back to the Cat Base, followed by everyone else
It is late at night as everyone is minding their own business. Tank Cat is drinking decaf Herbal Tea to calm his mind after the energy drink crisis! Axe Cat is finishing his axe sharpening which was rudely interrupted. Gross Cat is doing stretches and Cat is reading his Log Book. Bob returns with After-Sun gel visible on his neck. He approaches everyone.
Cat: No need to ask Bob, I know what you're here for! he grins as he goes to the next page
Bob: Actually, I wanted to get an energy drink...but do tell, do tell. he chuckles as he chugs a whole can and crushes it in seconds
Cat: in disbelief Jesus...OH YEAH! Let me see...he flicks his book Okay, we are heading to Singapore tomorrow. As we are attempting to obtain the Merlion treasure! We are also meeting up with two other cats, one of them being a Battle Act member! Enemies, no other than the usual five! So we'll outnumber them easily.
Axe Cat: I have an idea which Battle Act member is at Singapore. But I want Bob to meet him with a blind eye. Only fair.
Tank Cat: I don't think I know, I know the other person! Me and him are really close, he sent me a letter telling me where he was! He's probably my second favorite Battle Cat of all time! Behind Cat. Cat beams brightly, Axe and Gross seem offended, Bob isn't a Cat so he isn't affected
Bob: I heard Doge was comforting you while you were fucked up, is that true? he smirks at Cat
Cat: Heh, I suppose he did, it was actually sweet of him. Should I do something in return? he glances at Bob
Bob: If he's in your shoes, put yourself in his and comfort him like he did to you. That's all I know. I don't give a shit about trying to return favors, it just happens most of the time.
Cat: Fair enough. he giggles Anyways let's all head to bed. I'm tired as fuck...
And so they all make their way into their rooms to sleep. Concluding yet another day of adventure. Only thing they can do is prepare for tomorrow's adventure back in the Northern Hemisphere, where it will be cold again!
TO BE CONTINUED
And so, the first episode of the Giant Safe Arc has officially come to an end. I wanted to come up with a unique plot that I haven't tried before. But Singapore onwards is where the general Cats/Enemies are always changing. So I won't have to worry about that. Also don't feed your Cats energy drinks, they'll go crazy and fuck up your life!
Stay tuned for the next edition very soon!
The Battle Cats (2014) and its respective characters and features are all owned by Ponos Corporation.
The character Bob is owned by me, however, feel free to use him in any non-profitable media, just as long as you credit me as the owner.
This fiction is 100% unofficial and can be considered as Fan Made.