Trigger Warning: And within the trigger warning is a spoiler warning; if you don't have any triggers and you want to know nothing about the chapter before you, skip on down past the line and move on. This chapter is weighted heavily in terms of emotional and psychological difficulty and contains suicidal thoughts.

For those of you who wanted to skip the trigger warning in case of spoilers and accidentally glanced at the end of the trigger warning on your way to the main story, this sentence is for you.

The first morning of their travel aboard the imposing Queen Fury, Shana spent her time on the stern deck watching a flock of seagulls diving at fish out on the open ocean. She leaned on the sturdy railing, easily strong enough to support her full weight, and observed their habits. Though they grew steadily farther and farther away, the birds traveled adjacent to the ship as the school of fish meandered farther into the sea, affording her more time to study. She marveled to see one of them dive into the water, attacking something Shana could not see, and jolting back out with a tiny fish in its beak. Some of the gulls even waited on the surface of the water to snatch some of the fish from their triumphant friends.

For a long while, Shana watched, until the seagulls were beyond her sight. Instead, she turned to the small waves pushed along by the sea wind, rising and falling to a rhythm she could not hear. Water sloughed against the metallic hull of the Queen Fury, and Shana's mind wandered into the sea.

Why am I here?

This question ran across her mind endlessly. The obvious answer of being a dragoon arose in response, but she dismissed it over and over. That wasn't good enough.

Thinking back to her home, she considered the journey that had brought her to this moment. With pain, she remembered the attack on Seles, her capture and journey to Hellena, and the harrowing time she spent there. Then came a daring rescue, flight from her captors, and the snake in the limestone cave. She shuddered as she relived the cold and damp and darkness. They had fought a dragon, she had almost died, and then came their time in Lohan…

Dart.

She had loved him so deeply. Or did she still?

Back then, he had been so afraid of vulnerability that she had grown frustrated, but he had done nothing to fix it. And when Lavitz died, he had withdrawn even more than before.

Now, guilt plagued him, and she could see it. That wound on his arm was something she could easily remove, but he refused to ask for her help. More than once, she had considered healing it without his request, but in the end… didn't he deserve the pain of it?

Humility was not his strongest quality. And living with that pain was his own decision.

She closed her eyes with a sharp breath as the image of the virage inserted itself into her thoughts, as it had so often since that day. She had watched her body react to commands that she did not give, heard her voice say words that she did not know. How long would it haunt her?

How many times had she cried about this? She would not allow another, and she pushed her knuckles into her eyes to force the tears away. Then sniffing, she returned her gaze to the far horizon, beyond which lay Donau, the city of flowers.

Feeling her dragoon spirit in her pocket, she summoned its power and conjured tendrils of magic in her hands. She watched it for a moment, shifted the light from blue to yellow to green and back again, and then hurled it into the water below. As it descended to the edges of her manipulation, she watched the light grow dimmer as the water shielded it from her eyes. A fish swam above it, blocking its view for a moment, just as she released control and the light vanished.

Why am I here?

In truth, she felt that she contributed nothing to the others. She was there to stitch together their wounds and little else. When was the last time that anyone besides Kongol had tried to talk to her? When was the last time someone fought for her feelings and not just Dart's? When was the last time that Haschel had taken time for her as he had in Bale?

She rolled her eyes at her own cynicism as many instances flooded into her thoughts. Meru had been so attentive and kind to her, Haschel as protective as ever. Even Dart had addressed her worries in front of the princesses.

Still, she felt no less alone. No less separated.

They had all grown accustomed to the oddities of the lives of dragoons. Magic, dragons, virage, numerous deadly situations, and now even winglies had become a part of their daily lives. And yet, not one could give an answer to the memories that tormented her every single day.

Something was wrong with her. And nobody else had an inkling as to what it was.

On top of that, everyone else had their own reasons for joining the party. Meru for adventure, Albert for justice, Dart for answers, and Rose for intrigue. Even Kongol had offered his reasons. But Shana's reason had been Dart. She had a dragoon spirit now, but that had changed very little of her intent. She had wanted to help people, but Dart's blue eyes had been the subject of her heart's desire. Now, she wasn't so sure about that anymore.

The past two months had shown growth in him; he had taken charge of the group, stepping up in spite of the presence of the king of Serdio, and asserted himself in multiple instances. He had shown greater control of his emotions, less stubbornness, and more empathy for others. She admired this change, but the one thing she needed was something he continued to refuse her. His heart was still a mystery to her. He had confused her for so long with his words and actions, and even now, she couldn't begin to fathom what he thought of her.

She was tired of the charade. Tired of waiting for something that may never come.

"Heya!" said Meru suddenly, and Shana jumped and straightened. Slapping the railing, Meru appeared on her left, giddy and bouncing. Nova came up behind her, panting as she sat and then flopped onto the deck, her back left leg thrown out to the side. "Isn't this ship awesome?"

"Yes, it is," humored Shana.

"So, what have you been doing?"

"Just watching the birds."

"What birds? I don't see any birds."

Shana chuckled. "They were over there." She pointed into the distance. "But they're too far away to see now."

"Ah," acknowledged Meru. "I've been exploring. There's so much fun stuff around! You should come hang out with me sometime."

Shana shirked from the idea. "Maybe sometime," she diverted.

"Oh, hey, it's Haschel!" she exclaimed, turning her attention to the main deck. "I'm gonna go mess with him."

And with that, she bounded off, Nova in tow, leaving Shana alone to her thoughts once more. She wasn't sure if she liked it better.

Why am I here?

She shook her head. Nobody seemed to want her around anymore. She was a dragoon. That's why she was here. And that wasn't good enough for her.

For several hours, Shana sequestered herself in a corner of the deck where the fewest people could see her. The falling cargo had frightened her, but Kongol's quick intervention put her at ease once again. Upon hearing Meru shouting about on the deck, Shana feared being discovered and finally sneaked her way around to the mess hall. After grabbing some food, she quickly ran away to the sailors' break room, but seeing it occupied, she turned toward the library. She sighed to see it empty, and she quickly sat at a chair and began eating slowly. With irritation, she dwelt on the fact that nobody had come looking for her since Meru's brief interaction this morning. She felt as if she were alone on the ship.

She sighed and leaned her head back, setting her plate aside for a moment. Somewhere within her, she knew that the others were happy for alone time. She knew that they cared about her and that she only needed to seek them out to find the comfort she desired. But she wanted to be considered without request. She wanted someone to find her of their own accord.

A half hour later, she took her dishes back to the cafeteria and deposited them into a bin at the end of the line of dwindling food. With surprise, she noticed Albert in the kitchen, scrubbing away at a used pot, but when he turned to retrieve more dishes, she quickly ran away and rushed downstairs to avoid detection. What the king was doing scrubbing food off dirty plates was beyond her, but she simply shook her head at the phenomenon and meandered to her quarters.

The tiny room was empty. It was barely long enough for the two bunkbeds that had been squeezed into it, and Shana ignored the mess of Meru's luggage on the floor as she climbed up onto the top bunk on the right. Rose had chosen the bed beneath her, and Meru the other top. Hopefully, Shana would be able to find her way to bed before the others so that they wouldn't press her for conversation.

For now, she merely lay staring at the ceiling, which was uncomfortably close to her face. She fought to think of anything else other than the weight of the ship that sat above her and how easily it could crush her if it came crashing down. Grasping about, she finally snatched a memory from her childhood and clung to it.

She remembered running through the forest and picking berries to bring home. She had eaten some of them, but on seeing what they were, Dart had determined that they were poisonous and made her vomit for her own safety. She shook her head. Had he saved her life then?

Drifting forward, her mind came to a time when a seventeen-year-old Dart had attracted attention from a girl only a year his junior. She had been so pretty and flirtatious, and Shana had grown jealous of the attention Dart had given her. But as soon as Shana had run up and asked for his attention, Dart had abandoned the girl, leaving her crestfallen as he ran off to play.

It was no wonder Dart had never considered her as a romantic partner. The idea of entertaining the heart of a thirteen-year-old boy was almost offensive to her. Was she out of place to expect his devotion in return? Did the years still count so much?

The day Dart had left Seles had been a difficult one for her, and she recalled now the heavy heart that had threatened to drown her in her own sadness. Their age gap had turned her into his little sister, though her affection had never wavered. The newly adult Dart had knelt before her like a father.

Had his heart changed since then? Would he ever tell her? Would she ever know?

She would have to talk to him. She knew it. She was certain that Dart wanted her to stay with him forever, no matter the nature of their relationship, and it was unlikely that he had considered any other alternatives. It was her responsibility to offer another option.

What was a life of pining away after someone who might never return those emotions? She rolled her eyes and moaned in frustration. Why did she still care about him?

Later that evening, she found him on the deck and steeled herself as she prepared to give him the news. She had finally come to a decision; Dart was not going to be the ruling factor of her life anymore. She was capable of making her own decisions and following her own path.

As she explained this to him, part of her still hoped that he would intervene.

"But I do love you, Shana," he would say in her mind. "I'm ready to change and show you my heart."

But that was not what he said.

He said nothing until he realized that his future was changing, and then he only tried to change her mind with nothing that she wanted to hear.

She heard him crying as she left. She cried too.

"Rose, I really need to talk to somebody," pleaded Shana. The moon was high in the sky, and she leaned into its light and comfort.

"What's going on?" asked Rose, her face impassive as usual.

"Everything?"

"Understandable," nodded Rose. "Pick one thing and we'll start with that."

Shana sighed. "I talked to Dart today."

"About what?"

"The future…" Shana hesitated. Why was it so hard to talk to Rose right now? "I told him that after this journey is over, I'm not sticking around for him."

"Good for you," remarked Rose.

"Why do you say that?"

"You could probably do better than Dart, anyway," replied Rose as she leaned against the railing of the ship. "He hasn't given you what you need."

"Then why is it so hard to let him go?"

Rose let the question hang in the air for a moment, during which the only sound was the sloughing of ocean against the hull. The sound was grating to Shana for a reason she could not pinpoint. Perhaps it was because her thoughts had become the same – endlessly beating against her mind with no reprieve in sight.

"We hold on most tightly to the things we love, even if it doesn't make sense to," Rose finally said. "I don't know what you should do. Waiting around for something that isn't coming isn't good to do, but cutting Dart off too early might not be right, either. I was once in a relationship that was… unhealthy. I didn't have the right perception to cut it off. It wasn't until someone showed me what was happening that I was able to see it. And the difference between unhealthy relationships and healthy ones is astounding. It's worth fighting for. It's worth waiting for. The question now becomes: is Dart one of the ones worth waiting for? Or are you only now able to see that you need to leave him behind?"

Why did Shana always cry so easily? Especially now, in this moment, she felt her lip quivering and cursed her emotional state. She felt so confused and blinded; she had no idea which one Dart was.

"He almost killed me," she managed to say.

Rose turned to her again. "And if that had been on purpose, I would be the first to say that you need to get out."

"Why is it so difficult?" demanded Shana, her voice now wavering. "Why can't I see? I can't—"

Her voice cracked, and she erupted into sobs. She covered her face in shame. The past month of anxiety came rushing out of her in the form of tears, and she couldn't control her wobbly shoulders as she fought to breathe. To her surprise, Rose reached out and pulled her into a hug, and Shana buried her face in Rose's shoulder.

"You'll figure it out," assured Rose. "Time gives clarity."

For some time, they remained like this, until finally Shana could breathe normally again. Wiping her face, she pulled away and watched the dark horizon once more.

"What else is bothering you?" pressed Rose.

Shana sighed. Having wept, she now felt lighter than before, though she knew that her troubles were far from gone. While Dart had been at the forefront of her mind, her mysterious power and her connection to the virage plagued her from within. But what could Rose know of such a matter? She thought it better to keep it to herself.

Still, she had already expressed that a multitude of things worried her. So, she diverted to the next one.

"I don't know why I'm still here," she offered. "With the group."

"Oh?"

"At first, it was Dart. Now…"

"Your dragoon spirit shows that you belong with us."

"That's not what I mean."

Rose waited for Shana to explain.

"I need a reason for myself," she said. "From within myself."

"What about Lavitz?"

"What about him?"

"Don't you want revenge? You were close to him."

"I was," said Shana. "And maybe that's a small part, but I've never been one for retribution. I've found that those things tend to work themselves out without my involvement."

"And what would Lavitz say to you, were he here?" asked Rose. "What would he say is your purpose with us?"

A slight smile curled Shana's lips as she recalled her late-night conversations with Lavitz. He had always expressed how much he had cared about her.

"Something spot-on," chuckled Shana.

"You want to know what I think?" coaxed Rose.

Shana almost laughed at the coy behavior, but she played along.

"What?"

"I think he would tell you that your purpose here with us is rooted in who you are. I've known people like you before, Shana. People who work in the background, people who care so much but are rarely seen. You feel undeserving and unappreciated. You feel like nobody would ever notice if you left. But people like you are the support beams of the world. Without you for us to lean on or rally around, I worry about what we would be. Dragoons have a high calling, and each one is needed for the group to serve its purpose. You give us all something to fight for."

Tears streaming once again, Shana wiped her eyes and said, "When did you become so eloquent?"

"I don't know," shrugged Rose. "Maybe Albert is rubbing off on me."

Chuckling through her sniffles, Shana grew quiet for a moment. She glanced up at the moon, holding its position to light their way across the ocean.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Anytime," replied Rose.

The next morning, Shana awoke to Meru's snoring and quickly got up and ran to the fresh air. The sun was peeking over the horizon, showering the Queen Fury with a light that invigorated Shana's heart. She climbed atop the bridge, noticing a meditating Haschel on the deck, and played with the sunlight in her hands as she waited for it to reach high into the sky.

Talking with Rose had helped, but Shana still found herself swimming in anxiety. Even if Rose was right, and everyone was depending on her to be something for them, she wasn't sure how long she would be able to. Something dwelt within her; she could feel it.

Ever since the encounter with the second virage, she had been able to sense the otherworldly presence hiding in her subconscious. It flitted in and out of her mind, just beyond reach, hiding behind her own thoughts, but it was present nonetheless. She had spoken to no one about it, fearing what they might do or say should they understand the extent to which she was worried. This presence had taken over her mind in the Valley of Corrupted Gravity, and she lived in perpetual fear that it might happen again.

Here and now, she felt calm and at peace. Mostly. The ship traveled across the ocean with no troubles or dangers awaiting them, and the presence in her mind was content to sit and watch. But what if something should happen? If the Queen Fury were to sink, would that presence come alive to ensure her survival?

And if that was its goal, was it friend or foe?

She sighed. She needed to clear her mind. If she could only stay preoccupied, she wouldn't notice the intruder as much. Or would she? How much of her noticing it was merely her imagination? Her eyes drifted to the meditating Haschel, and her feet soon carried her to him.

She approached, disturbing his balance atop the barrel, but he showed little hesitation in granting her an audience. For a moment, she feared that he could see her intentions for distraction, but she channeled her mind into bodily awareness, prepared and ready to fend off any onslaught that he offered.

During their duel, try though she might, Shana was not able to strike Haschel in any meaningful way. She understood that he had far more experience than she did, but she still grew frustrated with herself as she failed over and over. Finally, she tried something that Haschel had been hesitant to teach her before, but he caught her foot midair and then promptly put an end to the training session.

She peered at him. He was avoiding something, but she couldn't tell what it was. Just as she was about to ask, Meru called out from somewhere to her left and pointed out a pod of whales off the starboard bow. Sufficiently distracted, Shana joined the throng of sailors, Haschel, Kongol, and Meru to see the giant mammals swimming through the ocean. Despite her own troubles, Shana's heart soared to see such a sight. She had heard of whales before, but to watch them spray into the air and swat the ocean with their tails was a sight she would never forget. Part of her longed to leap into the ocean and swim with them, but she held herself back, content to smile and watch.

For some time, Shana forgot about her problems and was able to focus on other things. She watched the whales swim away until they were past the horizon, and then she diverted into the ship for some lunch. Sitting with some of the crew, she talked to them about their lives, learning where they came from and how they came to be on the finest ship in the Tiberoan fleet. She was delighted to discover a tale of unrequited love, and she giggled with the other girls as they described one sailor's affection for the head navigator of the Queen Fury. It had been some time since Shana had been able to be nothing more than a girl. It felt good.

Shana's happy bubble was pierced that afternoon a commander called her to aid those affected by the explosion in the engine room. As she entered, Dart was there. Their eyes locked together, and her heart leapt. His eyes showed nothing but sadness as he beheld her, and she forced herself away from him as she tended to the burns that some of the workers had sustained.

The commander, named Kayla, directed Shana around to the worst wounds first, and she did her best to ignore Dart as his eyes followed her. Each of the sailors were impressed to see her magic, and she tried to smile and greet them all warmly, thanking them for their service and their attending to the engine.

When she was finished, Kayla asked her to wait while they got the engine running again in case there were any more problems, and Shana took up a spot standing awkwardly near Dart. She supposed that he had been brought in for fire control, but she didn't want to ask.

"How are you feeling?" he asked her suddenly.

"Fine," she said while watching the workers.

He nodded.

For a long moment, her heart pounded in her chest to be so close to him. She remembered when they had been inseparable in Seles, and now they felt miles apart despite standing so near. Still, it was as it should be. Better to never speak again than to have her heart broken in every conversation.

As the engines roared back to life, two engineers began to poke around at the gears and pulleys, inspecting pipes and belts to ensure that the explosion did not happen again.

"I hope they can keep it working," said Dart.

She merely nodded in response, though she could feel his disappointment.

With a great sigh of relief, Shana charged toward the door as soon as Kayla cleared them and moved as far from Dart as possible.

For the rest of the day, she avoided everyone. Even into the third day of their journey, she did her best to avoid conversation, prying eyes, and especially Dart.

That morning, as she entered the dining hall for breakfast, she saw Dart sitting with Albert and Haschel and accidentally caught his eye. Looking away immediately, she found a seat on the other side of the room and tried to focus on her meal.

Would this feeling ever go away? Would she be forced to deal with it until they found and stopped Lloyd?

As the afternoon faded, dark clouds took over the eastern sky, and a strange foreboding fell over Shana's heart. For a while, she stood on the deck, mesmerized at the storm's approach. Deciding to get a closer look, she crossed the stern deck, maneuvering behind the engine room entrance, only to find Haschel lip-locked with one of the crewmembers.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, and Haschel immediately pulled away in surprise. The woman, her long, brown hair flipping about in the storm's front winds, shot her hands over her open mouth as she gasped.

"Oh, my gods, Shana, I'm so sorry!" he rattled off, holding out a hand in apology.

"No, it's fine," mumbled Shana as she quickly turned and began walking away. "I'll just go… really far away… over there."

For an awkward moment, Haschel and the brown-haired woman watched Shana leave, and she exhaled in relief as soon as they were out of sight. Holding her hands to her head, she fought to push the image away, but it refused to budge.

She meandered over to the bow of the ship, trying desperately to focus on anything besides a sixty-year-old man's love affairs. Whatever had been bothering him the other day had clearly been cured. She forced herself to turn her eyes to the horizon, not daring to glance anywhere near the stern, and watched the clouds. They were nearly on top of the ship now, lightning striking the water far away. A breeze buffeted her face, tossing her hair behind her shoulders.

As darkness grew around her, she felt an unsettling sensation on her skin and summoned a ball of light to help soothe it. Still, the sunlight ran away behind the clouds and past the horizon, and soon it felt as if it were already nearing midnight. Just as droplets of rain began to strike her face, she heard laughing behind her and turned to see Haschel and the crewmember stumbling hand in hand toward the dining hall. And was the woman's jacket… buttoned wrong?

A chill ran over her, and she wasn't sure whether it was from the storm, the darkness, or the resurfacing image of Haschel and his lover.

At least someone found joy on this ship, she thought dismally.

What had this experience been for her but painful? What fun had she had since they'd left Bale two months ago? This journey had carried for her nothing but pain, angst, and depression.

She fought away tears as the rain took their place on her cheeks. Somewhere in her mind, she knew that she should go inside and avoid the storm, but there was something therapeutic about the chill of the rain on her face. Abandoning her magical lantern, she allowed the darkness to surround her as the thunderous storm took over the Queen Fury. Rain began pounding harshly against the deck, water now sloshing back and forth as the ship braved ever-growing waves.

Still, had there been any real danger, she knew that someone would have come to find her and spirit her away.

Now drenched, she held her arms out to the sky and received its deafening blessings. She watched as the lightning illuminated the wrathful sea for instants at a time and then let it sit in blackness. All lanterns on the deck had been snuffed out, and Shana reveled in the complete darkness in between strikes. Her skin itched for light, but the beating of the rain drowned the feeling out, and she began to anticipate the lightning strikes with a strange longing.

She walked closer to the bow of the ship, but her foot slipped on the wet planks, and she fell hard on her hip. No matter. She stood and kept her eyes on the horizon.

As time passed, it seemed the storm would have no end. She began to shiver as the rain continually sapped her warmth, but she didn't mind. It was enough to experience a storm like this firsthand. Her first storm at sea.

She lay down on the deck, feeling the pulsing of the ship as it swayed to and fro. She watched the sky as it danced its instability all around them, and despite the cold, she began to doze off.

Thunder woke her, closer than normal, and she sat up, gazing about her. The rain had lessened slightly, but the wind still howled around, splashing the ocean onto the deck here and there.

She wasn't sure what time it was when she first saw something on the horizon. As a bolt of lightning flashed, she thought she saw a silhouette of some large thing out there, far away, floating on the ocean. It caught her attention, and she wiped rain from her eyes as she tried to see it better, but it was a long moment before another strike gave her opportunity. Curiosity drew her to her feet, and she stepped closer to the railing, but the next bolt was gone too quickly for her to make out detail.

Was it a trick of the eyes?

For a moment, she thought she saw something glowing, but then it was gone.

She leaned over the railing as if it would help her see, but it provided no assistance. Taking hold of one of the ropes hanging from the mast and wrapped around the railing, she hefted herself onto the sturdy rail, grasping tightly to her support as she gazed out at the horizon.

Another flash.

Was it… closer? It was hard to tell.

Then another.

The object definitely approached them. And then another flash of blue light, tiny and indistinct.

A hefty wave knocked into the ship, and Shana felt her stomach lurch as she grasped more tightly to the rope to steady herself. Looking down, she saw the wave push into the ship before splashing back down into the depths.

As lightning flashed, she found herself drawn to the churning sea. She moved her left foot, testing the grip of her shoes on the railing, and found it lacking. What if she fell off? What would happen?

She would fall for a moment, and then the sea would embrace her. As long as she avoided the massive protective spikes on the hull, she would meet the ocean and get to experience it first-hand. Her only meeting with it had been on the beach in Bale, but she never even waded out so far as to soak her waist. Now, she could become one with it.

And what if she did? Would it matter? She would be dead long before anyone would know. She could go in peace. They would have their night of fun and not have to worry in the morning. The voice in her head would be gone. It wouldn't take over her anymore. She would be safe. The others would be safe. It would be… easier.

Another flash.

"Ah!" she cried out as a hand flew to her head. Some odd sensation had sparked through her mind, pulling it away from the ocean and back to herself. All at once, as if in response to her thoughts, her mind summoned images of her friends and how they would mourn her if she died. Meru, Kongol, Albert, Haschel, Rose, and… Dart.

Dart would break.

She gasped for a breath even as she began to sob.

How could she have considered this?

Then, just as she was about to leap to the deck and rush inside to her friends, a cacophonous crash rang out before her, and the ship lurched away from her. Her hands slipped from the rope, and she fell forward just as lightning broke the darkness, revealing… something… beneath her.

Air rushed about her as she prepared for the worst, but instead of the chill and soothing water, she struck something hard. Her head thudded against wood, and all went black.

Author Note: You may have noticed that I have taken a lot of liberties with Shana's character. This is because I do not like her portrayal in the game. To be frank, I think it's a very sexist representation of gentle and supportive women, and I wanted to change that. I have spent a lot of time explaining through the characters themselves that Shana's attachment to Dart in the game went beyond supportive into the range of toxic, and I wanted to change that. I've heard many fans complain that Dart was "peer-pressured" into loving her, and it has never sat well with me that she was willing to stay by his side forever even if she never received his love. So, I have been changing this, slowly but surely, and I am quite pleased with where we are.