Michaela had searched through the sitting room, library, and even the study, managing to find Matthew and one very quiet Colleen, but still no Sully.
"Might be outside?" Matthew suggested, turning back to the book he was 'pretending' to read.
Michaela nodded and headed for the back door.
She remained concealed through the screen door for several minutes, watching as Sully entertained Brian; first finishing a playful wresting game and then whizzing him around in circles, Brian's arms stretched over his head, as he squealed gleefully.
"Aww, why'd ya stop?" The little boy protested once he'd found his balance.
"Coz otherwise you're gonna make yaself sick," Sully laughed, looking up as he heard the door open.
"Heya Ma," Brian smiled, straightening out his vest and collar neatly.
"You two look like you've been having fun?" Michaela observed, Brian nodding quickly, his smile broadening.
"Except Sully stopped," he dropped his head.
Sully looked from the small boy up to Michaela, still breathing slightly heavily, his hands on his hips. Don't ask. Just shut up and let her talk. He reminded himself firmly.
"Brian, Colleen and Matthew are in the library reading, do you think you might join them?" Michaela absent-mindedly began tidying the boy's hair.
"All right, Ma. Thanks Sully," he obeyed happily, and jogged back towards the house.
Michaela folded her arms across her chest, and snatched a brief glimpse in Sully's direction, careful to ensure he hadn't noticed.
Sully dropped his hands from his hips, and retrieved his jacket, which he had neatly folded over the back of a garden chair. Slipping it back on, he managed a quick look in Michaela's direction, also, making sure she hadn't seen him.
Michaela looked at the spectacular white carnations which lined the left corner of the garden; she looked at the large oak tree which hung over the back brick fence; she glanced down at her arms crossed over her enlarged chest. She looked everywhere but at Sully.
He nervously turned his head in her direction, watching the effort she was expending to avoid looking or talking to him. He bit his lower lip but couldn't drop the smirk from his face.
Michaela, in an attempt to sneak another look in his direction, caught a glimpse out of the corner of her right eye. Her jaw dropped. "And just what are you smirking about?" She dropped her hands to her hips and turned defensively towards him.
"No, ah, weren't, weren't smirking, was ah, ah," he rubbed his hand over his mouth looking away.
"You were too, smirking," she reiterated, pausing just long enough to change the subject. "I'm not apologizing," she announced crisply.
"Anyone askin' ya to?" He dusted off the thighs of his gray trousers.
"Well, just so long as you know," she retorted.
"Rather think I oughta be the one apologizing to you," he muttered.
"Rebecca said you were just worried, and I don't blame you." Michaela rested her hands against the sides of her lilac skirt.
"I thought maybe you'd changed your mind and, if you had, I 'least wanted to be there," Sully saw Michaela's eyes drop thoughtfully.
"You mean you would have let me? Despite what you believe?" she turned slightly, not exactly facing him, but not exactly facing away either.
"Course I would have. Michaela, did you go to see William this morning because you wanted his help?" Sully took a very small step towards her. They were still over a yard apart.
"No." she kept her eyes downcast.
Don't ask, just go with it. He reminded himself more strongly.
He waited.
"I went because I needed to tell him I had decided against it. I had to thank him also," Michaela updated him slowly. Her mouth twitched slightly near the end of the sentence, and Sully very carefully took another step closer.
He knew the look on her face when she was hiding something; thinking about something other than what she was actually saying.
Don't remind her you're here. Just wait.
"He took a lot of risks, jeopardized his professional reputation in fabricating the specifics of the overdose. When it was what I wanted, he agreed to help me. That alone would have cost him his license had he been found out," Michaela finished recanting the less emotional facts, remembering the far more significant reason for her visit to William's that morning.
She swallowed and looked slowly around the garden, surprised by Sully's continued silence. "He said he had feelings for me, and asked if I felt the same way." Michaela focused her attention on a small bird that was flying from a thick branch of the oak tree, to the ground, then back again, beginning to build its nest. "I said I didn't know. He admitted to me that, after Rebecca had told him the truth, he'd decided to terminate the pregnancy if that was what I so wished. He said that, if I was to be staying, would I agree to see him." Michaela remembered the gentle kiss the day before, and the touch of his hand against her own, only that morning.
Sully clenched his jaw tightly, but still said nothing. She's punishing me; deliberately punishing me for demanding answers from her this morning.
"That is when I told him I had changed my mind about the pregnancy. He asked if I meant going home, or going away and I asked if they were my only options. He said that it wouldn't be proper to proceed with a pregnancy here, given that I was not married." Michaela felt the blood drain away from her cheeks, remembering the awkward way in which William had phrased his next sentence, "He said that if I wanted to keep this baby, then he didn't think it appropriate to stay in Boston and, I asked, would it be different, if I was married. I don't know if I meant him specifically, or not, but he assumed I did," Michaela watched the small bird delicately collate all the tiny twigs together into a small pile.
"He said that he didn't think it would be possible for us to have a relationship under those circumstances," she felt the air leave her lungs as she finished.
Sully noticed then that much of the color had vanished from her already pale complexion. It was at that moment, he realized, she'd never intended her disclosure to hurt him. There was a rejection on her face, the likes of which he'd not seen for over three months, when the young, injured cowboy had refused to let her treat him.
He opened his mouth, about to utter a heartfelt 'I'm sorry', when she continued.
"I asked if that was because I was not aborting the baby and he said 'Yes'. I asked if that was because he would be embarrassed to be seen with me," she glanced downwards only long enough to wrap her arms around the top of her abdomen. "and he said 'No'. He said it was because if I'd agreed to have the abortion, he wouldn't have to look at me and remember, but if I didn't then he couldn't love me, because it would always be there. That my wanting to keep the baby was not a decision he felt comfortable with," she clutched her arms slightly more protectively around her stomach, feeling the shamed tears collect again in her eyes.
Sully arrived silently by her side and reached a hand to each of her shoulders. "He had no right to expect you to make that choice, Michaela," Sully felt the hair on the back of his neck rise in defensive anger. How dare somebody hurt her like this.
"At least he was being honest. That was more than I could have expected from anyone else here. Until yesterday, I'd thought about staying. If you hadn't arrived, I probably would have sent for Colleen. Matthew is of age; he could have chosen. I would have had the abortion, and stayed," Michaela divulged rationally.
He fought the urge to interject earlier, however, resisted until she had trailed off into silence. "And now?" He moved his hands slightly over her shoulders, noticing how small her frame was.
"You're right, we need to go home." She looked from the lush surroundings, back to Sully's calm, accepting nod. "That's why I didn't want to tell you where I'd been. I didn't want to have to explain myself to one more person, not then," she blinked several times, only then noticing the weight of his hands on her shoulders.
"I understand. I'm sorry I was so demanding of you. It weren't my place." He could see the fragility in her face, in her eyes. He hesitated; there was something he wanted to ask her, but, he wasn't sure if it had already been too eventful a day. Maybe it could wait.
"I know you were just worried because you care," she replied, accepting his apology.
"So, when did you want to leave?" He returned to the previous topic, slipping his hands from her shoulders.
She pretended not to notice. "Well, I suspect we've already been enough of an imposition to Rebecca and her family, and it's not as though there is any reason to delay. The next train I suppose." Michaela spoke with detachment, not allowing her to think anything more of 'going home' than the fact that it was 'leaving Boston'.
"I'll find out," Sully nodded with a small smile. He knew that perhaps this was one of the hardest decisions Michaela had had to make.
"I'd best go back inside. Rebecca," she sighed, not relishing the thought, "is taking me shopping."
"Shopping?" Sully raised an eyebrow, never sensing Michaela to be the 'shopping' type.
"Apparently, it's some sort of family baby tradition. You're right, shopping has never exactly been my idea of enjoyment, but I certainly can't continue wearing the same clothes for the next four and a half months, and Rebecca never asks anything of me," Michaela justified, as they turned back towards the house.
"Ahh, that kind of shopping," Sully understood quickly, and tried to gauge her reaction with a tentative smirk.
"I'll see you at supper." She was about to reach for the door, when Sully caught her left arm lightly.
"Michaela, don't worry about what happened today. He doesn't deserve you, not if he thought that." Sully opened the door and gestured for her to go first.
"It still hurt though," Michaela shrugged, lifting her skirt slightly as she stepped inside. "That he didn't want me."
Sully closed the door quietly, and leant forward to move a strand of loose hair back over her shoulder, "Michaela, I," he cleared his throat, wanting her to at least know his commitment to her, "I want ya to know, if, that's important to you, then." He looked along the corridor as they continued walking; sure that Michaela wouldn't understand what he meant. He didn't really understand what his garbled sentence had meant.
"Sorry? If what's important?" Michaela frowned, arriving in the entrance foyer, distracted in looking around for her sister. She was oblivious to the magnitude of the conversation that was taking place.
"If, well, gettin' married, or, not bein' on ya own` was important," Sully watched as she moved hastily from the sitting room, then across to the dining room, as he spoke. It wasn't until he'd finished and she'd arrived at the bottom of the staircase, her left hand resting on the banister, that she actually deduced what he was trying very awkwardly to say.
"Sully," she gripped the banister tighter with her hand and froze.
"Sorry, I, didn't mean that to come out like," he tried to brush over his offer.
"I just wasn't expecting you to put it quite like that, as if you were offering to fix the wagon," Michaela gradually turned back to look at him, her expression a mixture of surprise and disapproval.
"That's exactly why I did just, say it. Didn't want it to be a big deal, I just wanted you to know, the option is there," Sully saw a range of emotions play across her face; from surprise, through to contempt, shock and disappointment.
"The option?" she baulked, in some ways feeling relieved he'd brought it up, in other ways feeling like the ugly little puppy dog that had been the last in the crate, waiting to be sold.
"Please, Michaela. Don't make this into a thing." He raised his hands defensively in front of him, trying desperately to calm the situation down. "I wanted to say, that from where I'm standin', if you want me around, if you want me to marry ya, then, that's what I want. It's not about me, it's about what you want but I didn't want to make it into a big formal moment, because I didn't want you feeling pressured. That's it." He let his hands drop back to his sides, as he exhaled nervously, watching her face closely for any sign of an emotional reaction, one way or the other.
Michaela, on the first step of the staircase, was several inches taller than him, and kept her face completely blank for what felt like a very long and drawn-out period of time.
There you go, Michaela, he's said it. He has asked you. Isn't that exactly what you wanted? She frowned slightly, studying his face intently. No. It's exactly what I didn't want. I confide William's rejection to him, and then suddenly he proposes, like he's trying to patch things up. He proposes to me, because he thinks I'm upset that no-one else will? Am I upset that no-one else will? Do I want to marry him? She swallowed and turned back towards the stairs, not giving him an answer. Say something to the man, Michaela. Don't just leave him standing there.
She cleared her throat. "Thank-you for the offer, Mr. Sully," she raised her voice in a clinical manner, and proceeded very swiftly up the long staircase.
Sully rubbed his left hand over his forehead and eyes, as he watched her ascend the staircase. You idiot. That could not have gone one bit worse if you actually tried. Shaking his head, as if trying to erase the event from history, he turned and headed off to find the children.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"That's the door, they're back, they're back!" Brian pulled on his cousin's arm, quickly abandoning the duet she was trying to teach him at the piano.
He arrived into the entrance hall, along with Colleen and Ellen, as Rebecca and Michaela made their way inside.
"Ellen, take these upstairs, will you," Rebecca handed the chambermaid copious bags and boxes, reaching to take the final two from Michaela.
"You've had a successful day, then?" Colleen eyed the assortment of merchandise with the shared excitement only another woman does.
"Uh, it was indeed. Penny, your mother is a terribly bad influence," Michaela unbuttoned her cloak and laid it over her right arm.
"Wow, Ma, that's really nice," Brian's face lit up when he noticed the new outfit she had on; a dark purple skirt with matching bodice. The cuffs, and lapels of which were elegantly decorated with black stitching. Both, as Bridget had assured, would be 'easily accommodating'. And, as Michaela took great relief in, none of the outfits they had chosen, made her look frumpy.
"Thank-you, sweetheart," Michaela touched the child's face lightly.
"Oh and we have something for all of you, too," Michaela turned to Rebecca who had managed to keep hold of one paper bag. "Why don't we move into the sitting room?"
Michaela, Rebecca, Penny, Colleen and Brian all gathered around the large couch, Michaela carefully reaching into the bag for the first item. "Penny," she presented the young girl with the tissue paper wrapped gift, watching as she tore eagerly through the paper to reveal the large, realistically weighted cloth doll.
"Aww, great," Brian rolled his eyes, none pleased, just imagining what tonight's game would consist of.
"But Mother, what about Josephine?" the girl looked between her mother and aunt, quite terrified.
"Well, honey, we thought Josephine might like a little rest for a while, with all this playing, we were worried she might lose a finger or be damaged." Rebecca consoled, having managed to hide her concern that the very expensive china doll would be broken with all the activity she had been receiving recently.
"Oh, no matter. She'll just have a little baby sister," Penelope shrugged and hugged the doll appreciatively.
"What about me?" Brian quickly changed the subject, not one bit impressed by the new 'baby'.
"I think there's something here for you? Did we get Brian something, Aunt Rebecca?" Michaela flashed a teasing grin at her sister.
"Hmm, we might have, I do hope we didn't leave it in the," Rebecca played along as Michaela produced the solid looking object, wrapped in brown paper.
"Thanks, Ma, Aunt Rebecca," he smiled and reached for the object, opening it with considerably more respect than Penelope had.
"Aww, how'd you know I love trains?" Brian spun the wheel of the polished light-colored wooden engine.
"Oh, I've no idea," Michaela feigned complete naiveté and raised her voice slightly as he delighted in his gift.
"Wail 'til I show Matthew." He began crawling around, pushing the train over the rug as Michaela retrieved another item from the bag. A square, royal blue, satin box.
"Colleen," she handed it to her with a slightly nervous smile; what if Colleen didn't like the gift; worse, what if she didn't even accept it?
"I," she swallowed, surprise bonding instantly with guilt. "Ma, I really don't deserve," she blushed, and glanced from the stunning box back to her mother.
"Just open it," Michaela widened the small smile on her lips knowingly, as the young girl timidly reached forwards to take the gift.
She held the box evenly balanced in both her hands, before moving her right hand from under it, and slowly running the tips of her fingers along the gold-cornered edge of the side.
Her shoulders rising, she carefully lifted the lid, Brian hearing the small gasp of disbelief and awe, as the girl looked from the gold chain, with a small ruby pendant, and delicate matching earrings.
Colleen alternated her open mouth from the contents of the box to Michaela's curious expression. "Ma, I, I can't accept this," her eyes widened as Brian poked his head up from the floor.
"Wow, is that real, Ma?" He raised his eyebrows with a small squeal of delight.
"Yes, Brian," Michaela answered simply, keeping her eyes on Colleen's mixed expression. Michaela could tell the young girl was indeed fond of the gift. She also could tell Colleen was conflicted by guilt following her earlier behavior.
"Thanks Ma," Colleen closed the box carefully, still feeling awkward around her mother.
Michaela glanced over at her sister, seeing that Rebecca was as delighted by the young girl's excitement as she was.
Rebecca, Michaela, and Colleen looked up, as Matthew and Sully appeared in the room opposite them.
"Thought we heard someone squealin'?" Matthew frowned, seeing Colleen immediately rising to her feet and rushing over to them.
"Look what Ma got me," Matthew nodded with a supporting smile, as Colleen handed him the necklace to fasten.
"Ma got me a train," Brian crawled along the floor, deliberately running the wooden toy over Sully's foot. "Whoo-whoo," the boy giggled.
Penelope remained silently sitting in the single armchair, dressing and undressing the doll. She'd been rather intrigued by the genuine displays of appreciation she'd witnessed.
"That's nice, Brian," Sully bent down to inspect the train, trying to meet eyes with Michaela across the room.
"Oh, Matthew, for you," Michaela held the gift out to him. The box was smaller than Colleen's had been and was dark brown in color.
"Why are we gettin' gifts?" He muttered, reaching for the box.
"No reason, I just spent the afternoon being spoiled and didn't think it very fair to not get something for each of you. Open it," she kept her eyes locked on the young man, as he frowned in concentration and slowly opened the small box.
The room was silent, as he lifted the golden pocket watch from its case. "Ma, this, you can't have just bought this for no reason," Matthew felt the weight of the solid object in his right hand.
"No, well actually, we didn't buy it. Your aunt managed a bit of deception. Turn it over," Michaela waited as Matthew squinted and cleared his throat, before reading the inscription aloud.
"If nothing else, principles are the one thing a man may call his own." Matthew squinted slightly closer, noticing the two pairs of initials under the inscription. JQ; MC. He looked back up, "This was your father's?" He stuttered nervously.
Michaela nodded solemnly. "And now it's yours," she locked eyes with Matthew for several seconds.
"I'd refuse, only you made it impossible," His face broke out into an open smile, as he showed Sully the initialing.
"I managed to collect it from Mother's this afternoon," Rebecca spoke warmly.
Everyone absorbed themselves with their gifts for a while, Penelope was the first to speak.
"Come on, Brian," she stood from the chair and bent down to pull him to his feet.
"Aww, we ain't gonna be playin' with that doll, are we?" He spun the wheels of his train in distraction.
"Just until dinner time, please," the young girl pleaded, smiling charmingly at Brian.
"Well, I guess so. Just till supper." Brian relented and followed her up the staircase to her room.
"Speaking of supper, I must check with Ellen," Rebecca rose from her seat and silently left the room.
Sully hung awkwardly by the entrance to the sitting room, Matthew and Colleen showing each other their presents.
"Thanks, Ma. I don't know what to say," Matthew muttered quietly, before reaching forwards to hug her tightly.
"There's nothing you need say, Matthew. Your grandfather would have been proud had he known you." She embraced him strongly, before stepping backwards and continuing across the room. She looked at Sully very briefly, and walked through the entrance hall to begin climbing the stairs.