WhIP

by footfungus

nederlands verhalen over mijn otp

203. AOT and SI OC

just another corpse

cloudyyun

Summary:

"You're a strange one. You aren't a Subject of Ymir, are you?"

"She's not a Marleyan either. How curious."

"The Founder took interest in her perhaps."

I smiled, but I had no face. "Perhaps."

Reincarnation. How? My world had no abnormalities, so it'd have to be something in this world that got me in this shit and I didn't want to stick my hands in some voodoo experiment project or black magic galore.

"Praise the walls!" A voice warbled. "The Gods had blesse-"

Somehow everything clicked as my clarity returned like a metaphorical truck, memories dope-slapping me to the next era. I noticed the looming walls in the distance and the chattering of white people and the drunken hollers of soldiers. Garrison soldiers.

'Well fuck me,' I realised with sinking horror, 'This time, it's Attack on Titan.'

Hashtag woke up as a kid in the alleyway of Wall Maria; Ackerman genes are keeping me going... (ft. my Box of Absolutely Nothing, my Horrible Humour, main character trio but small, future tree hugger, and- well, The Levi Ackerman.)

All. ADOPTED.

(SI/OC into AOT. No current pairings. Rated M.)

Notes:

I am literally so sorry. What the actual fuck am I doing.

Recently, the amount of self-insert prompts I've daydreamed about are *boom*. I've got a... OP si, hxh planned si, bsd si, a Naruto si (in my drafts) and now, an aot si. THERE ARE SO MANY TROPES THAT NEED TO BE EXPLORED. THERE NEEDS TO BE SO MANY MORE DECENT SI's FOR THE WORTHY UNIVERSES.

Honestly, I've got a shit ton of ideas for more Naruto fics with tropes that NEED TO BE WRITTEN ABOUT MORE. (Other than time travel cuz there are sO many of those. Doesn't stop me though. ;D). On that note, I'll be making a SHIT TON OF OTHER ANIME REFERENCES.

Anyway, this story (I'll try) will have /less/ angst and more crack. (And I'm being literal. The main character will be... eccentric.) But then again, this is the *aot* verse, so tbh, angst MUST be present somehow.

Obviously, same rules apply: the main character is not WHOLLY myself (but I would go crazy-bitch to try and make do in a twisted world like this) and it's M rated for a REASON, I don't think I could successfully cover all the trigger warnings but if you watched baby Eren killing then you can read the words of an angst driven woman. (But I'll try not to be angsty... There needs to be some PERIODS OF ANGST, OK?)

ALSO, this will be in European languages. The characters are speaking *English* (and German but obvi, I can't speak that so it's just English) and there won't be LEVI HEICHOU or anything. It'll be Lance Corporal Levi).

edit: I'm back. Just saying: WRITING SELF INSERTS ARE HARDER THAN I THOUGHT WTF?

Anyway, ahem, safe readings 3

PS: there will be spoilers (duh)

Chapter 1: in which walls

Summary:

Dying wasn't too unlike falling asleep.

This 'sleep' itself wasn't... 'traumatising'- no all-consuming black void or death god looming over me; rather, it was the events that occurred before. I was just a half-poor Asian girl getting by. Bland, plain, background character. I was the type of person who Shigaraki would ignore because of how 'NPC' I was, looked, and behaved.

And yet, I managed to get serial-killed.

Notes:

i already mentioned this but I CANT BELIEVE I HAVE SO MANY FKN SELF INSERTS EW OMG I USED TO HATE THEM

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 1

- in which walls -

(eyes open)

Dying wasn't too unlike falling asleep.

This 'sleep' itself wasn't... 'traumatising'- no all-consuming black void or death god looming over me; rather, it was the events that occurred before. I was just a half-poor Asian girl getting by. Bland, plain, background character. I was the type of person who Shigaraki would ignore because of how 'NPC' I was, looked, and behaved.

Based off crime podcasts I watched when I was bored and had insomnia, I'd assumed that serial killers targeted certain people- perhaps, one they pissed off, their exes, or their family members in bouts of maniac anger.

But I was wrong. It turns out they just targeted anyone, even if that anyone was this normal girl with black hair, brown eyes, average height, average face, and an absolutely stale personality.

But hey, at least I got stabbed less than 114 times.

'No, bad girl! ' I cried inwardly, 'Don't talk about such terrible matters with your Horrible Humour!'

However, reprimanding myself never worked because I felt a snicker bubble out of my throat;

'That was an alliteration.' My newly dubbed Horrible Humour sniggered.

I took a moment to wonder how I could think. How I could somehow argue with myself despite being... dead.

I didn't have hands but I could feel sand slipping through the cracks of my fingers. I could breathe a lungful of fresh air- something strange after dwelling in the cities for my entire life. And I could see- a brilliant light, full of so many colours, spreading across the sky.

If 'death' was like sleeping, then this was like 'dreaming'.

And so I dwelled, years compressed into seconds, emotions feeling like mere breezes scraping against my soul. I could think, but I couldn't think.

This girl had blank eyes and a frail body. She liked sand and built statues with it. And next to her, present yet not, I watched, whatever lucidness I'd initially had disappearing.

I'd attached myself to this young girl, freshly an orphan. She looked kind of like me, same features, angles, and ethnicity. Other spirits lingered around her, all sharing similar features but didn't appear Asian.

"You're a strange one." One of them, more prominent than the others, said to me. "You aren't a Subject of Ymir, are you?"

"She's not a Marleyan either." Another mused. "How curious."

"Wasn't the first time this happened- the Founder took interest in her perhaps."

I smiled, but I had no face. "Perhaps."

And we observed and lingered around the little girl, impassive and dead-eyed. From beside the little girl, I watched as she stole from the wrong man, and was hunted, chased. She tripped into an alleyway, sprawling across the dirty floor.

The man held her down with one hand, knife raised in the other. It wasn't the brutality, but the glint of the blade that made my eyes widen, head splitting open as I remember the bursts of pain and how much I wanted to kill the one holding me down and that girl can't suffer and die like how I did-

A crackle of lightning lit up the space around them, the same colour as the lights in the skies I'd seen long before, and it was like a hole had been pierced through this box I'd- we'd- dwelled in, pouring in the warmth and brightness of life.

The figure that'd spoken to me for the first time leapt towards the life at the same time as I did, causing a fracture, a merge, and the wrong person waking up in that little girl's body.

My consciousness returned at the same time I registered the burn in my legs and the blood on my clothes. Survival prioritised over curiosity, so I quickly adjusted, throwing myself into a small area that adults couldn't chase me into.

After breathing mechanically for a full minute, I let out a wheeze of 'what the actual fuck' and consequently caused myself to cough my lungs out.

This girl was dehydrated.

But my crusty, dry throat- adrenaline fuelled screaming and thrashing, blood soaked clothing, stabs of pain (literally) all over my body, getting viciously murdered aside- I'd woken up. After dying.

And after I died... died... I'd gone to some weird ghost realm or something. And then... I hopped into a dying girl's body at the same time as this other ghost... Oh shit.

All this mess just because I tried to stop a little girl getting killed the same way.

Oh my Madara's hair stylist.

I swallowed dryly, frowning at how bad of a condition this body was- my body was.

Peering into a broken mirror laying conveniently nearby, I confirmed my very dreaded suspicion that I did indeed steal a body. I metaphorically batted away the guilt crawling into my mind, accidentally walking into a trashcan in my distraction

"Wow, this is gross." I declared nonchalantly as I heaved myself away. Then I did a double take at my higher pitched voice before double taking so violently at my height that I fell onto my bum. I proceeded to marvel my baby hands and limbs. I hadn't fallen onto my bum in so long.

Reincarnation? How? Then I immediately shook that thought away.

My world had no abnormalities, so it'd have to be something in this world that got me in this shit and I didn't want to stick my hands in some voodoo experiment project or black magic galore. This entire thing was insane and impossible. So no, I was just going to leave that question very carefully tucked away into my Box of Absolutely Nothing, right alongside my murder.

Speaking of this world, the clothes were vaguely familiar- Western European late 1800s clothing... If I was in the past, I swear...

"Praise the walls!" A voice warbled. "The Gods had blesse-"

Somehow everything clicked as my clarity returned like a metaphorical truck, memories dope-slapping me to the next era.

Ymir Fritz. The Nine Titans. Ackerman. The Fritz and the Reiss. Grisha and Keith.

I noticed the looming walls in the distance and the chattering of white people and the drunken hollers of soldiers. Garrison soldiers.

'Well fuck me,' I realised with sinking horror, 'This time, it's Attack on Titan.'

Summoning my new favourite Box of Absolutely Nothing, I stuffed the unhelpful thoughts into it and resolved to find food.

It turned out that finding food was much harder than expected. Stealing was difficult with the soldiers all around and I didn't really have good experiences with drunk strong people.

My clothes were ratty rags and the only tool I had on me was a rusty crowbar.

I'd gradually wandered my way to the uglier side of the town, where there were less government officers (but more drunk people). I didn't think that Shiganshina would have an 'ugly' side in the first place but humans were crap in any universe and they needed a place to gather them all.

I'd debated on going to the orphanage but my background would be suspicious. Especially how my Asian features were apparently rare, it was risky to just enter a place without parentage, name, or origin.

Scraps were tossed out in darker corners and there were many children hissing and fighting over them like rabid animals. I balked, feeling a curl of terror rise in the pit of my stomach before I shoved it away.

After all, moping wouldn't prevent my incoming starvation. I doubted the 'righteous' side of law would be willing to provide food to a random gutter rat like myself and finding people I knew from the storyline was too risky and unpredictable at this stage. (And why would the Yeager family deign to care for a stranger?)

I wouldn't even be able to find a half-way morally decent job with the state I was in...

I sighed, dragging over a cardboard box I'd found into a small corner of the town. I really felt like those pitiful orphans in movies as I curled into a foetal position inside of it.

I felt pathetic... and, well, dirty. I always did have this thing about hygiene and near freaked every time I had a scratch that was not disinfected. Now I was covered in grime and sweat, the fabric on me looking more like a pillow case than anything resembling 'clothes'.

Ah. And of course my first week of slowly starving to death couldn't go peacefully-

"-Heard she popped outta nowhere 's well. This lil black haired, grey eyed girl. Take a good look at her face." I felt hands roughly moving my head and I resisted the urge to slap it away and kick the offender in the balls. My head lolled back to my side as the grubby paw released it.

"Er, I can see whacha mean; a pretty thang-" I felt like a pitiful sack of shit for feeling flattered. "-But it's a kid, ya know? 'M not inna that shit."

"No, you idiot!" The first voice snapped. "I'm pretty sure she's an 'Oriental'."

Oh fuck me. I forgot that the Attack on Titan verse had creepy arseholes with Asian kid kinks. My hands tightened around my crowbar as I feigned sleep.

Realisation dawned on me as I remembered this scene in the manga. These were slavers and I didn't know whether or not they were the same people that took Mikasa. Sweat made my hand clammy. I couldn't hesitate if I wanted to kill or maim them. But were they the same people who killed Mikasa's parents? If they were, then I was changing the entire plot to come. Not to sound unpleasant, but their lives didn't mean much to me right now, especially since it may potentially cause more deaths. I felt immoral, wondering about their deaths.

But if I didn't kill them... I would be-

"Look there, ain't that the weird mark they all had?"

What bloody mark? I did not have a-

Opening my eyes as much as I dared, I came face to face- well, skin- with the intricate Azumabito mark under the layers of dirt on my skin. ...How did I miss that?

'Minority bloodlines all banded together. Minority bloodlines, who were immune to the powers of the Founding Titan. Minority bloodlines were hunted to near extinction.'

"And this name of 'Azumabito-Ackerman' is something you must always hide."

Wrong. Fucking. Time, my dear memories.

Wait. I was an Ackerman as well? I'm as important as Mikasa then! Me? Someone arguably worse than Takemichi? I then banished the thought immediately. Mikasa was royalty; I was probably just some girl who got murdered in canon without ever knowing the weight of my identity. That eased my guilt a little.

My panicked thoughts drowned out their conversation as my mind raced. Fuck me, why was my Asian race biting me in the arse now? What idiot put it on me? I sure as hell did not have that tattoo before I came here.

Two grown ass men. (At least it wasn't three.) I couldn't fight them unless I surprise-stabby. Even in broad daylight, no one would care who's doing what in this side of the town, so screaming for help might actually attract the wrong type of attention.

At this thought, I inwardly slapped myself; I was such an idiot! I thought I'd be safer near the shadier parts because of how many scrappy kids there were when it was the opposite! Where had my commons sense gone? Human trafficking definitely proved to be a thing and in this white people place, Asians were rare- my Horrible Humour snickered at that thought- like a delicacy. Only for the richest-

"-Doncha think that's too good ta be true then?"

"Eh, who cares? They can't prove nothin'- she looks the part and that's good enough. Those creeps in the underground won't give a shit when they're getting their rocks off."

"Ugh, don't needa remind me 'bout those bastards. But we hafta be careful- 'bout a year ago, this other half-blood Oriental girl stabbed one of us straight in the heart. In one go. She's under the protection of Dr Yeager now, so we can't fuck this one up."

'A few questions answered,' I assured myself, trying to take whatever comfort I could in the situation.

"She just got lucky. Besides, I'm not the stupid one. I always bring firearms just in case- they're expensive as fuck- even if we are dealing with lil girls."

I snapped my eyes open when I felt an arm reaching for me, swinging my metal crowbar as hard as I could, watching with morbid awe as his windpipe was visibly disfigured before I abandoned my self-preservation instincts and flung myself onto his hip, fumbling for the very gun that arrogant bastard had spoke of.

I punched him in the balls and kicked him in the shin as soon as I found it, scrambling away to familiarise myself with the weight. Shaking fingers wrapped around the trigger just as the second man oriented himself.

"Shit- This little bitc-"

Crack!

I forced myself to watch whether or not the bullet actually hit. I didn't know whether I was meant to load or cock the gun, or even if I aimed right but as my ears rang, undeveloped muscles twitching, I saw the second man fall, clutching his abdomen.

Shoving down my nausea and the storm of emotions I could feel brewing just beneath my skin, I swiped the knife off of the second man, taking note of where his limbs were before dragging the sharp edge across his throat, making sure I hit the artery. Turning to the man whose throat I'd... caved in, I did the same to him even though the bitter part of myself whispered that drowning on his own blood would've been karma.

(The skin breaks if you tug a little harder. The blade was dull, so it had to be a swift movement. Blood starts to leak as you dig deep enough, a burst of red spraying through the wound. Blood is thick and cooling on my hand. The handle is slick, blade dripping with-)

I stood there, swaying slightly as I waited for my adrenaline to fade and when it did, the nausea hit me like a metaphorical truck (if trucks even existed in this universe). I dropped to my knees, crawling over to the side of the alley to retch, gasping as saliva and bile rose relentlessly, spilling down my frame in an unsightly manner.

I cringed in disgust, the sourness not leaving the back of my throat.

I didn't know what it was exactly that made me react like this. I'd done dissections alright, hadn't I? I'd picked apart organs and cleaned up blood without batting a lash while my classmates would recoil in disgust or fear.

Well, I'd recoil as well if the blood stank too much.

It was peculiar because every little injury I myself received would cause an unexplained feeling of terror even if it didn't hurt at all. I didn't believe that I was afraid of pain or blood and I hope I didn't have a crippling phobia of germs, but... what else could explain it? Was the rush of adrenaline too taxing? Was I simply sick? Poisoned?

I stared at the two adult bodies, part of me marvelling at how I managed to kill people twice my height and weight, part of me staring entranced at the amount of blood gushing from the severed artery. It was like those garden sprayers; at first, the spray was forceful, and after a while, it lowers and looses steam.

The third part of me was wondering when the shock, self-loathing and guilt was going to hit. Not that I should feel guilty. Or hate myself. I'd rather kill two shitheads than get sold as a sex slave.

I was actually rather surprised at how I managed to move forward. As much as I'd done martial arts in my past life, I knew I would always run from danger- not counter it.

Was this my Ackerman-ness showing? I didn't feel anything cool like that brain electricity though. Eh, whatever. Saves me the headaches.

I crouched down beside them, breathing shallowing as to not inhale the coppery scent of fresh blood, and scanned their belongings before taking the useful ones. The two men had two bag full of essentials each- water, dried food, daggers, first aid kit, and money to boot. Dare I say it was a worthy kill?

I stood up next to the two bleeding corpses before opening the packet of food, the smell of blood overwhelming the bland taste of banana crisps.

"Hey," I asked the corpse, gagging down the dry snack with my clean(er) fingers. "Why the fuck you chose to do this sorta shitty work, huh?"

-Year 845: Month 3-

It'd been a month since I'd killed the two men and I'd spent that month doing dirtier deeds. Once my hands were soiled, knocking someone unconscious to rob their money wasn't too hard and my starved-orphan-girl look did wonders with cocky, drunk men. Hooray for conquering my fear!

I theoretically could've gone straight to Dr Yeager, using the excuse that I heard there was another fellow 'kidnapee' under his care but I honestly didn't like the man. When I watched the anime, I immediately called him 'sus', claiming that he was definitely some mad scientist who did human experiments.

(And then turns out it was more accurate than I thought.)

Usually (if I was still sane), that wouldn't've stopped me but maybe my brain was wired differently in this world because going on a looting hunt sounded much more fun.

So now I was fully clean and clad in a warm, long sleeved cream-white turtleneck with a beige and pink pinafore dress that reached my knees layered on top. I bought the longest type of socks I could find because stockings and pants could get lost and I managed to guilt trip a store owner into giving me a discount on a pair of durable, brown leather, knee-high, lace-up boots. It gave me The Promised Neverland vibes.

I had a matching leather brown satchel, filled with the gun I still had but scarcely used, ten knives I'd stolen in total (turns out basically everyone carried one of some kind), and a lot of copper, silver, and gold coins. After all, the only people who would get drunk were soldiers (which was a big no-no), or the richer, luckier workers who were generally more corrupt.

I'd used thrown out mirrors and a stolen dagger to chop off most of my hair. Because of my small bout of perfectionism, wanting it to be all even, I ended up evening my fringe and parting it in two, cutting chin length side locks, leaving the small strip of hair around my nape waist length long and gathering it with a pink ribbon.

New world, human eating titans and corrupt government aside, I wanted to look cute, ok? I was amazed on how I managed to look fricking amazing in cheap, old-fashioned European clothes.

I was frankly proud of how far I'd gotten in the span of a month. I got my way into a cheap inn, had frequent visits to a restaurant where I know the owner loves me, and developed a nice routine of beat-up-then-loot.

Their drunk-ness was now a blessing as I hadn't gotten caught yet and I usually only stole half of their money before filling it up with rocks to disguise the weight loss. I was on the edge regarding when the Colossal Titan would appear, so I kept a keen out for the main trio.

I wasn't all that excited to meet them but I told myself that it'll lower my chances of dying as a background character.

If I was going to die, I was going to go out with a big, fucking bang.

Notes:

notes:
- if yall dont get the references, dont mind me
- in my si, the mc has past martial arts training, aspired to be a surgeon, and the balls of steel (partly because she's slightly detached to reality). the reason why she could loot so much was because she'd play smart and dirty. and they're drunk.

Chapter 2: rise above

Notes:

notes:
- obviously, i don't know abt people's ages or squads they were in so it'll be kinda all semi-canon
- idek what im doing.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2

- rise above -

(kick them down)

-Year 845: Month 5-

"You've got quite the name around here." A man's voice called out and I-

"What the shit-" I jolted, instinctively throwing whatever I had in my hands towards the person.

I recognised that it was that ponytail guy in Levi's squad (in 850 at least). He caught the juice box with ease, much to my annoyance. "You have such a potty-mouth." He admonished disapprovingly.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. What a pain. I didn't think he was such a nag. Two sentences in and I've found a mom.

That dude blinked a bit before laughing, "You act like such an old man!"

I rolled my eyes before sharing the laughter when he accidentally spilled the rest of the juice all over himself with a curse of 'fuck me'.

He cleared his throat with a flush, daintily putting down the juice box before turning towards me with a frown. "Anyway. I was going to go see who was the little famous menace, 'Kira Rouge', when it turns out it was just this little, potty-mouthed girl."

"'Kira Rouge'?" I repeated, brows raising. "I got a name for stealing? I haven't heard it."

He shrugged. "At first you didn't- you were known for killing two slave traders. Then these little cases, not big enough for the officers to get involved, showed up. Civilian wives are using it to threaten their husbands into not drinking."

He cleared his throat, adopting a falsetto: "'A innocent little girl will beat you in the balls and rob you clean if you get too drunk.'"

I slammed a hand over my mouth, trying to stifle my cackles. A giggle escaped anyway. The man looked amused. I scowled.

"What's with that name anyway? Pretty dramatic sounding."

"Killer, Kira- a mockery of an accent. And Rouge meaning 'red'?"

"I know what it means; I'm not an idiot unlike someone." I folded my arms, ignoring his baffled expression. "How did they even get 'red' from this? I generally didn't get blood on me... But then again, I should've cleaned up my trails better."

"That wasn't what I was-" He rubbed his forehead. "Ugh whatever. They got 'red' from your hat-"

"Which has a pink ribbon on it." I deadpanned, putting a defensive hand on top of my straw boater hat. "Adults must be pretty dumb if they're all like you."

"Ouch..." He pouted.

"Besides, I didn't commit any crimes." I stubbornly declared. "I simply may have provoked several drunk and conceited assholes into chasing me and everything after that was self-defence."

I shrugged innocently. "Then oops, they accidentally dropped their purse but honestly that's their problem for not being careful enough, isn't it? I was even generous enough to compensate them with stones for their lost coins."

The man slapped his forehead, an exasperated smile on his face. "If it was the Military Police, that explanation wouldn't've worked, you know?"

"I know." I grinned cheekily. "That's why I told you that: because you don't look like an asshole."

"An assh-"

"Hey Sir Soldier," I cut over as I walked up to him, tilting my head up to squint up at him. "Are you a... drunk, or a suicidal?"

After a few baffled seconds, he offered a mock salute, "...A suicidal, at your service. My name is Eld Jinn. What's your name?"

"Don't have one." I averted my eyes, stuffing a cookie in my mouth to avoid the surprised and pitying look in his eyes. "I guess my name is that now. 'Kira Rouge' is pretty nice, isn't it?"

"I suppose so." Eld moved to pat my head. I swatted away his hand. He tried again. I batted it again. I was stubborn, okay?

"What is a Survey Corps soldier doing here anyway?" I narrowed my eyes, not even bothering to disguise the drastic change of topic.

Indulgingly, he replied: "Our unit got back a while ago. A few people are going to report, and the rest would want to wait."

"And drink." I realised. "And then you heard about-"

"-A certain little potty-mouthed girl that robs drunks." Eld finished. "Well, not that. We just heard of a kid thief that managed to survive for quite a while now. We certainly didn't want to get robbed, so we wanted to see if you were a threat. ...And can you blame us for getting curious? Besides, a little detective mission every now and then would be quite a nice stress relief."

"Oh?" I said dryly. "Is that so?"

"Yep." Eld nodded, popping the 'p'. "So please don't rob any Survey Corps soldiers. Feel free to get the Military Police's though."

"I don't rob soldiers." I dusted the nonexistent dust off my dress. "In case I pick the wrong ones."

"Ah." He said with an uncomfortable tone.

"Anyway, can I meet your comrades?" I'm pretty sure Eld and them hadn't been in the Levi Squad for long, which means that he probably wasn't in it right now. It was good to get acquainted with strong-ish people anyway. Even if they're just strong-ish canon fodder.

R-I-P for Petra and the rest of the Levi Squad whose name I'd forgotten. And also Eld, I suppose.

"We're going to a... bar." He said slowly, like talking to a child- which I suppose I was. "And you are a... chi-ld."

With a patronising voice, I mocked his tone, "Yeeaaah...?"

-Bar-

"...When you were going to figure out who they were, I didn't expect you to bring back..." Gunther started haltingly.

"-A literal toddler?" Nameless 1 gaped.

"-A pipsqueak girl?" Nameless 2 added.

"-A twig?" Nameless 3 joined in.

"Don't be fooled." Eld declared, swooping two hands under my armpits and plopping me on top of a box crater.

I stared up at him, feeling offended enough that I was tempted to get off the crater just to show that I could get up by myself. I wasn't that short, damnit. As if reading my thoughts, he patted my head, dodging my swats like I wasn't going half mad trying to land a hit on him.

"Kitten is just a little, potty-mouthed girl."

"...'Kitten'?" I echoed, like tasting shit. "What arse did you pull that nickname out of?"

"Case in point." Eld drawled as Gunther and the Nameless Trio did a double take.

"No, seriously." I huffed, hating how much of a kid I looked like right now. "Do not call me that, or I'll punch your dick off."

"C'mon, you have the entire character of a personified stray cat!" Eld shrugged flippantly. "Or a stray dog, but that sounds derogatory."

I shot him the most unimpressed and judgemental look I could muster and pointedly enunciated- "Fuck off."

Petra, who just entered the bar, choked on her spit. (And I remembered Petra because of how many memes she featured in.)

"Kugisaki Nobara-" I gasped, jaw unhinging at how similar they looked. I didn't remember what Petra looked like mainly because I remembered her being stuck to a tree... dead. On the other hand, I saw so many Nobara cosplays and she. Looked. The. Same.

"...Koo-gi... Wha?" Petra blinked.

I smiled, "Never mind. I just said you look cool." Before she could reply, I jerked my chin towards the Nameless Trio, uncaring of gaining their favourability in lieu of making sure I don't gain such shitty nicknames. "And you- if I hear 'toddler', 'pipsqueak', or Walls-for-fuck's-sake 'twig ', I will also punch your dicks off. For your information, I am six."

The Nameless Trio blinked before grins cracked over their faces. "She's just six." They giggled.

"Keep laughing, old bags." My brow twitched.

"Also, I'm a girl-" Nameless 2 laughed.

"I know." I thinned my lips. "I'll punch you new boobs then."

"Kitten has claws." Eld chuckled in a purposeful tone while Nameless 2 kept laughing. I cringed really hard: he definitely knew the effects of that terrible nickname. For the sake of Petra, I did not move to harm his male genitalia.

"Eld, sir," Petra bemoaned. "Why did you bring a child in here? There are-" She gestured around to the maimed, injured, and drunk soldiers around. "-Here!"

"She was... insistent?" Eld winced, suddenly looking embarrassed. "Besides, she's Kira Rouge; she has good experience with drunkards."

"That isn't a good excuse- with all due respect!" Petra cast him an aghast look. "And you- sirs, ma'am- did no one stop him...?"

"Don't worry!" I chirped. "I have good experience in robbing drunk people. I can also punch them in the pe- uh, wee-wee." I nodded resolutely, pressing my lips together.

Petra stared for a moment before she cooed, dropping her first aid kit onto some soldier's lap before leaning towards me. "You're so precious."

I felt my jaw unhinge- was being good at stealing considered cute? Perhaps it was the phallic euphemism.

"-Literally, can we adopt her? What's a cute kid like her doing out in the dirty streets anyway?"

"No parents. Orphanage might sell my arse to Sina." I drawled, dodging her attempted hair ruffles.

She gasped. "Sell?"

"Oh oops." I said dryly. "I don't think I was meant to say that."

"The orphanage is bound by contracts- it's against the law to sell humans." Gunther frowned. "But I suppose it would be an understandable thought, considering you were almost in the hands of slave traders."

"That she killed." Nameless 2 said in an interested tone.

"Nanaba!" Nameless 1 snapped. "This is why you should never try to comfort someone- you'll only bring up their trauma more!"

Nanaba, I realised, was that lady I thought looked hot. Her hair style was just so amazing. But then again, I thought everyone in AOT was cool, so figured I would forget her. She showed up more than once which meant that she probably wasn't as cannon fodder as the rest here, especially seeing how she wasn't maimed.

"So what do you think of the Survey Corps?" Petra asked as she took a seat beside me, handing me some water.

"Nice." I said, having a lack for words. "Because their lives are short, they're honest. That's nice."

"How harsh." She murmured softly. "Are you going to join the Corps?"

"Should I?"

"As a soldier, I'd say yes, as a woman who cares for children, no." She sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Will you?"

"Yes." I said. "I want to be strong. I'm talented for my age and status, so, as just another body running around, I should make use of the talent."

"You don't have a dream or anything?" She pondered.

"Survival, of course. But you care most for survival in the worst situations you're in." I mused. "Lives are fleeting. My death will just be another number. As of right now, our lives are already naught."

"Nihilistic." She commented, looking sad. "A child like you shouldn't have to think like that."

"Perhaps." I shrugged nonchalantly. "I want to survive, but more than that, I don't want to lose my will to survive. This world is stupid, ridiculous, ironic. I see this life of mine as another piece of satire. I want to join the Survey Corps and touch with death."

"Are you suicidal?" Petra raised her brows, looking concerned.

"Are the Survey Corps suicidal ?" I asked again. "I'm just fighting for another reason. I don't want to die eaten, but I'd rather die searching for something rather than waiting like sitting ducks as a civilian."

"That's a wishy-washy motive." She murmured.

"It is." I confirmed, "But I don't have any other motive."

I had mixed motives, and an unusual view on this new life of mine. A part of myself was like Hange; I was curious about titans. Another part of myself wanted the thrill of battle; I didn't want to be a casualty from a titan fight- I wanted to be a part of the titan fight. And a tiny part of myself was wondering what to do with this body. Azumabito-Ackerman. I was important. But I'd died in canon.

Should I really risk this? Should I be like Ymir and live for myself, hiding the secrets and preventing a civil war? But that would mean siding with Fritz and the nobles and I would never do that. I hated those slimy bastards.

I was just swept along the current, picking the Survey Corps because that's where canon goes to but- I was younger than the main cast. Shit.

"Anyway," I slide off the box. "My curiosity has been satiated. If I may, I will take my leave now-"

"Wow, she talks smarter than Squad Leader Erwin." Gunther deadpanned.

"-Nice to meet you all- or well, some of you." I pointedly shot a look at the Nameless Duo plus no-longer-nameless-Nanaba. They returned me a thumbs up.

"I'll see you around, Kitten." Eld waved.

"Bye bye." Petra smiled sweetly.

"Too friendly." I sighed to myself. I turned to hiss at Eld before smiling awkwardly back at Petra. As I checked my surroundings and all my belongings, I distantly heard Eld say-

"See? She's like a baby cat."

-Year 845: Month 5-

I happened to stumble upon baby Armin being beaten up not a day later. What a fated time it was.

I doubled checked all my belongings before charging in with a flying kick to Bully 1's head, knocking him several feet away. A round of gasps echoed around me.

I clasped my bag close to my side, other hand on my head to secure my hat.

"A girl?" Bully 2 exclaimed in surprise. "M-Mikasa?"

"No, she's too short!" Bully 3 shouted. "That isn't Mikasa!"

"...What." I intoned coldly, spinning into a roundhouse kick and sending both Bully 2 and Bully 3 flying. "-Did you say, you little, nasty, snot-nosed, shitty, bratty imbecile piece of shit? "

They all screamed, scrambling away.

"I don't even want to touch you pieces of illiterate shit stains!" I pointedly kept my hands where they were, kneeing the dumbass who charged at me in the stomach. "Ew, get your filth away!"

I stopped the second charging dumbass with a foot to his face, ignoring people's shouts of 'young lady, that's improper!' I put more pressure onto my foot until I was standing with my foot on his head.

I removed my foot, looking down at him with a blank face that I knew was scary. Channelling Yamato-taicho energy here.

"You feel that fear, huh? That's what other people feel when you harass them. That's why you don't do it because it can hurt people both in the body and in the mind. Did that dumbed down explanation work for you three pathetic excuses of a human being?"

"Y-Yes Miss!" They cried, hauling their downed friend away.

"Yeah, run, you bitches! Hurt my puppy nerd here again and I'll cave your head in, you got it?" I yelled, waving a fist and grinning at their hurried agreements. Maybe I was a bit too harsh but eh, whatever.

I was more pleasantly surprised at how naturally strong my body was. Probably the genes, how much I fought, and how I basically worked my body to the standard of my previous life- which was someone far older than six who did martial arts. I had to thank Youtube workouts for that.

I cleared my throat, pasting on an amiable face and swung around to offer a hand to Armin.

After two seconds of wide-eyed, slack-jawed gaping, I took his hand and hauled him up for him. I picked up his book, drinking in the sight of the leather bound novel; I hadn't yet read a book here, and I couldn't read nor write.

This world had a different language, I could tell, because when I went to buy (read: steal) things, there were labels and signs in a language I didn't understand.

I averted my gaze away from the book, taking Armin's other hand, opening it and placing the book spine into his hand and closing his fingers around it. Armin was still motionless.

"...Wow," I said carefully. "You're kinda slow, aren't you?"

It jerked him out of his gawking. "Y-Y-Yeah!" He squeaked, looking completely helpless, humiliated and down-trodden that I wanted to break my 'ew, touching means gross germs and dirt' mentality to hug him and his floofy hair. "I mean, n-no, but I g-guess yes... Ah... Th-Thank... you... Thank you very much, I-... Thanks..."

"You owe me." I declared, watching his face go flat and his shoulders slump.

"I know..."

"So..." I tried to hide my discomfort. "Help me clean up this mess." I demanded, instantly dropping into a crouch to help pick up the bits of food and glass shards of broken wine bottles.

After a moment of silence, he dropped to his knees, wordlessly helping the stall owner clean up.

It made me cringe- so many products wasted, so much hard work just gone like that because of some kids. I felt mild anger towards the cheering Garrison soldiers, but I knew it was a common occurrence.

In both lives, I'd never been as wasteful as those bullies; even as a child, I knew that breaking things was dumb. While I wasn't what you'd call poor, I wasn't necessarily well off either. I was the stingiest bitch around town; I hoarded food like Sasha, I was money-hungrier than that first place person in Gimkit- scratch that, I always was that person who placed first in Gimkit, and I was worse than Asian aunties who stole provided napkins and sauces in restaurants.

If I got my products knocked around because of some bullies, I'd bring out some fists.

"Armin!" Baby Eren's voice hollered, as footsteps pattered into the area. "Are you alright? Is it those bullies again? I'll beat them up!"

"Eren." Mikasa's calm voice intercepted. "It's already over. Armin, are you harmed?"

My eyes flicked up from under the shade of my hat and I saw the exact moment Armin's expression fell in dejection. What an inferiority complex he had. Or was it an 'I'm weak, and I always get saved by my friends' complex?

Gosh, these three were stacked with mental issues. Mikasa had an obsession and literally killed as a kid and practically never mourned her parents. Eren killed two adults with serial killer-worthy savageness and... I wasn't even going to get started.

Maybe canon will change purely because I hit them with the Talk no Jutsu.

"I'm... I'm fine." Armin responded quietly. "She helped me."

"She fucken' destroyed them!" A soldier hooted.

"Didn't even use her hands!" Another slurred.

"You soldiers are useless!" A stall owner yelled. "What were you even doing, sitting around all day like useless drunks?"

"Hah? You wanna fight, shitty bastard?"

"...Stop..." I inhaled. "Fucking. SWEARING."

The street went silent. I continued to sort the wine bottles neatly and calmly. After I finished, I stood up, brushing my hands before inhaling again.

"You soldiers are bloody useless and you all know it! Standing around like little pathetic fuckers and doing nothing to inspire people into thinking that soldiers are even doing their fucking jobs! I wouldn't be bloody, motherfucking surprised if you couldn't even fight off a potential breaching of the Walls if you're like this all the time which, for the sake of everyone here, I hope you aren't! Because then we'd be fucking fucked if lazy shitheads like you are our guards! Sober yourself the fucking up and make sure you don't forget your years of training as a cadet because I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have let drunk fuckfaces like you all to pass unless the training was how much liquor you could hold. But even then, you pitiful slugs seem like light weights if that tiny pint of alcohol gets you woozy! Weak ass bitch motherfuckers! You are not only creating a public disturbance by openly getting drunk and provoking a fight, but also embarrassing yourself and the Corps you represent. Right now, I respect the stall owners more than I do you."

I said that all in one breathe. With a blank face.

The street was still silent. I went back to helping the frozen stall owner.

"...'I respect the stall owners'..." A man muttered, breaking the silence as he scribbled violently on a notepad. "What was next?"

"'More than I do you.'" A younger man pointed at the notepad. "Also she said 'pitiful slugs' instead of 'pathetic snails'."

"Oi, nerdy puppy." I snapped, watching Armin shake himself out of his stupor for the second time. "Hurry up and clean. You owe me, remember?"

"A-A-Ah yes! So-Sorry!"

"Say that to that Mister." I jerked my chin towards the man before I dusted myself, decently happy with what I cleaned up. "Sorry sir, next time I'll get those snot-faces to help instead of sad, little, nerdy puppies."

"Ah- No, thank you." The man grinned, "In the span of the last few years, I've finally found a reasonable person."

"Reasona-" A soldier choked.

The street then burst with noise, half the soldiers offended, the other half explosively amused.

"Hehe, girl's really right!"

"What a dirty mouth she has on her!"

"Got ya real good-"

"She was talking about you as well!"

"Hah! That Mikasa point two was right!" Baby Eren yelled at a particular soldier. "Hannes, you're PATHETIC!"

"Naw Eren, don't be so mean..." This blonde drunk soldier slurred. That was Hannes? Jashin-sama, it was so hard to tell because AOT characters actually looked normal.

"He's just stating facts, Hannes." I spat. "You're such a lousy ass. ...And... WHAT DO YOU MEAN MIKASA POINT TWO?!"

"Eren," Mikasa admonished quietly, "Don't be rude."

"But she has grey eyes and black hair like you!"

"Oh wow," I gasped sarcastically, "Hannes has blonde hair, and nerdy puppy does too! I bet he's secretly nerdy puppy's dad!"

"Ew that's gross! And don't call Armin that, you meanie!"

I had to stifle a laughter at the lame insult. "But he is a nerdy puppy, I never said it was bad."

"You- Wait... what?" Eren blinked confusedly.

Armin was looking panicked so I decided to explain myself. "You see his hair-" I pointed at his floofy head. "It's cut so floof-ily that he's kinda like a puppy. An adorable baby creature."

"Hey! Armin isn't a- an- adorable baby creature, he's just Armin!"

"-And," I continued, unfazed, "He can read books, which means he's smart."

"What?" He furrowed his brow, "I can read books... but I guess I ain't as addicted to them as he is. Armin is super smart!"

"Nerd." I said pointedly.

"But that's a bad word!" Eren announced angrily. "I bet you're just jealous that he can read because- cuz he's smarter than you!"

"I am jealous." I admitted as I grabbed Armin's wrist, dragging him towards a confused and half-irate Eren, a stoic and slightly bemused Mikasa. The clamour in the street had died down even as soldiers and citizens kept giggling about how I utterly trashed the soldiers and bullies.

"You are?" Eren asked curiously, wide-eyed as we started walking aimlessly. Mikasa wordlessly steered the group into a particular direction.

"Hm." I said, arranging my face perfectly blank. "After all, I can't read or write."

Dang, I couldn't say that without flinching.

After all, reading was literally my childhood. Sad as you may call it, I didn't even know what a 'Play Station' was until near middle school. I didn't get the point in games, or Minecraft, or League of Legends, or whatever things my friends played. I just had my handy Alice in Wonderland and Shakespearean plays.

Writing... well, I wasn't an author, but I'd written fanfictions like a mad woman once I reached high school. To be completely illiterate was a glaring reminder of my lack of belonging and identity in this world.

Upon registering Mikasa, Eren and Armin's pitying looks, I realised I'd deflated. Like a balloon. So I inflated again, pinning them with a glare- a softer one on Armin because he was too baby-

"But she i-isn't dumber than me." Armin interrupted softly. "She's younger than us in the first place, and she..."

"-Could swear at Hannes and those dumb soldiers." Eren smirked.

"-And defeat all the people that hurt Armin." Mikasa added.

I sputtered for a moment, baffled at their- or Eren's- change in attitude.

"W-Well," I flushed, "That's- It wasn't anything special..."

"But uh... What's your name?" Armin paused, "O-Oh! We haven't even introduced ourselves yet! I'm, uh, Armin Arlert."

"Eren Yeager."

"Mikasa Ackerman."

"I-... Kira Rouge?" I frowned.

"That's... a fake name, isn't it? It sounds a bit familiar for some reason..." Eren frowned right back. "Don't you have a real one?"

"Stop, Eren, that's impolite." Mikasa frowned at him.

It was a triangle of frowns.

"U-Um, so Kira, why don't you know how to read or write- s-sorry if it's a sensitive topic! I was just thinking... because you're not in orphans clothing, and you're pretty healthy, so..."

"Stealing, trickery... I learnt how to survive." I bared my teeth, giggling when Armin yelped and hid behind Mikasa. "There's the ugly part of Shiganshina that the government doesn't want you to see. They're all huddled in this area that's ugly and full of poor, dirty people. Some die, others scrape by... I came out on top."

"You-" Eren's eyes widened. "'Kira Rouge'... You're the girl Dad told me about!"

"Eren?" Mikasa furrowed her brow. "...Are you talking about the one who-"

"-Killed two slave traders?" Armin finished, face pale.

"Yeah." I said nonchalantly. "I heard about Mikasa and Dr Yeager as well. I overheard them talking about how you killed some as well. So we're like... twins."

"We're older than you." Eren deadpanned before his expression sobered, "Well, if you heard about Dad, why didn't you come to us for help?"

"Would he help?" I asked dryly. "This society is not pretty. Humans are filthier the more trapped they are. Within these walls, Dr Yeager created his place in the world by helping people. I, on the other hand, hold no value as someone with no background, origin, name, or otherwise. Taking me in has no merits."

"You have a horrible take on life." Armin said quietly.

"Dad would help you!" Eren insisted.

"I'm fine now." A smile split my face, "But I guess I want to meet the famous doctor."

Jokes. I wanted to see Carla because I totally shipped her with Dina.

She was precious.

"Ma'am!" I cried, flinging myself to cling onto her waist. Carla caught me with a noise of surprise.

"Y-Yes? Are you alright?"

"Oi Kira, what are you doing?" Eren pried me off of his mum, pinning me with a curious and annoyed look.

"You have to change your hair." I urged. Mums with that hairstyle always died. "You'd look amazing with a bun or something."

"Sorry Mum," Eren grumbled. "That's Kira Rouge, the girl Dad talked about a while ago. She's a little weird but she saved Armin from bullies so she's nice. ...I think."

Mikasa gave silent affirmation and Armin simply hovered awkwardly.

"Pleasure to meet you...?"

"The pleasure is all mine." I gushed. "You're an amazing mom, you know? To have to deal with baby Eren."

"Wha- I'm older than you." Eren pressed, cheeks flushed. "Even Armin's older than you and he's, like- Armin."

"Eren." Mikasa admonished when Armin gave a squeak. "Don't say that."

"What?" He demanded. "Armin does have a baby-face though! Don't worry, Armin. Kira has even more of a baby face than you do!"

"Excuse me?" I snapped. "You wanna go, ya baby turd?"

"Oh dear, there's one more of them now." Carla sighed, pressing a hand against her cheek.

Chapter 3: countdown

Notes:

notes:
- this chapter has the sole purpose of shittily written relationship development

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 3

- countdown -

(how much longer?)

-Year 845: Month 5-

Armin and I stood as witnesses as Mikasa and Eren were arguing about the Survey Corps... again. I have literally been with them for half a day and this argument came up so many bloody times.

"Just because you think I can't fight as good as you-"

"Eren, that wasn't what I was trying to-"

"Do you always do this?" I asked Armin, a little disapprovingly. "Never try and... you know, break them up?"

"W-Well, I try to if it gets bad...?" His gaze then trailed away... and onto his book. "Do you truly not know how to read? Not anything?"

A little offended, I nodded, deciding that addressing the sibling argument as something futile to resolve. "They look like squiggles." I spat vehemently. "You can't read squiggles."

"It's, um." How dare puppy Armin look amused. "Not that hard...? To uh..."

"'Not that hard'?" I repeated indignantly. "Oh you dare, nerdy puppy. You dare. I have literally been bluffing my way down three eras to survive in this shithole with squiggles for words and you dare to say that all that was for nothing because I could've- what- taught myself?"

"There must've been someone willing to help you." Armin raised both brows. "Didn't you mention a really nice restaurant owner who you-" He cleared his throat nervously, "-Um. Manipulate into giving you free meals? Or even your inn keeper could've helped..."

I had no idea why he was so insistent on finding the root of my illiteracy. To be honest though, he was right. The only reason I hadn't asked for help was...

"Are you shy?" He asked incredulously.

Not that.

"No no." Armin shook his head, lips pursed in thought. What a nerdy puppy. "It can't be that; you badmouthed the entire army of Garrison soldiers before."

Totally like a puppy. It's the only reason why I don't kick his arse when he outsmarts me. And because he's totally un-kickable. Too nice. Too soft. Too puppy.

"Are you... too prideful?"

"Absolutely not." I denied immediately. "I just didn't want to trouble them."

"So half-half." He mused, ignoring my denial. "I can teach you if you want?"

"Getting tutored by a brat? " God's sake, I was a literal adult. I didn't need to get tutored by some little adorable ten year old nerd. "Hell no."

Armin stared at me for two moments before he nodded shakily. "I'll take that as a yes."

"...Nerdy puppy has gained some balls." I nodded approvingly, relenting easily because I was actually pretty tired of looking at squiggles like I knew how to read them. "Okay, in return I'll teach you how to fight."

"What? " He shrieked. "No way, no way, no way! You'll kill me! You'll destroy me! I'd much prefer Eren!"

"-Hey!" Eren waved his tiny fist. "Armin, are you saying that I'm not as good of a fighter as Kira?"

"Armin didn't say that." Mikasa grabbed him by the nape, making me snicker. "But it is correct."

"Mikasa!" He cried in betrayal. "Just you wait. When I join the Survey C-"

"Oh here we go again." Armin bemoaned, resolutely walking away and pointedly covering his ears.

-Inn-

"Are your parents still not here?" The old woman raised a brow.

"I'm paying the money, hag." I snapped lightly. This woman was very insistent on how much of a child I was- so much so that I gave up the 'sweet kid' act. Her attitude barely changed though.

"I know," She rolled her eyes. "You're actually better than half the people I see. I was just wondering... Aren't you lonely? A little kid like you shouldn't be spending such a long time by herself."

"I have friends." I did not pout indignantly. "They-... They have rich dads... I mean, they have caring dads, so I'm not dying or anything."

"Yes, sweet." She smiled indulgingly. "You aren't dying or anything. That's good to hear."

"Go eat a salad." I bristled, baring my teeth when she heartily laughed some hoh-hoh-hoh's.

-Beating guts into nerdy puppy-

"Nerdy puppy, you're really, really weak." I stood over him huddled into a foetus position. "It's only been five minutes!"

"It's useless." He sniffled. "I'll never be as good as you or Mikasa... or even Eren."

"Baby Eren would totally get you for saying that." I snarked.

"...I know." Armin sniffled again. "...Can you stop destroying me now?"

"Does it hurt?" I scanned his body, seeing no bruises or even scrapes.

"No." He exclaimed. "That's the thing! It doesn't even hurt because you pull your punches! When you throw me, you literally cushion the impact with your foot! I'm just tired from getting half-beaten up."

"Well," I said in a hopefully patient tone. "Even if you want to fight strategically, you still need to have some base strength. Nerdy puppy, just trust me in this. If someday in the future you'll join baby Eren in some..." Survey Corps preparation. "...Training, you'll have to do stuff that hurts way more than this. Something stupid and tiresome like running through the rain with packs on... or... trekking through a blizzard... or doing laps until you drop... or... a thousand pushups..."

Armin curled into himself and whimpered. "I'd rather become Titan food..."

"Would you?" I challenged.

"...Actually no. I'd rather get half-beaten up." He admitted quietly.

-Meeting the sus man-

"Oi baby Eren!" I hollered, kicking on the door lightly twice. "Open the fuck up, baby Eren!"

"Wh-UHT." Eren snapped, opening the door with an annoyed look on his face. "Is it really that hard to knock nicely on the door and ask 'is Eren here?'"

"No, not hard at all. I just don't wanna do it." I smiled flippantly. "Anyway, Mikasa told me to tell you to tell your parents that she'll take a bit longer with the groceries."

"You've degraded. Are you just a messenger now?" Eren raised both brows, looking too haughty for a ten year old.

I scowled, rolling my eyes. "I was planning on helping this restaurant owner with his stuff and it's literally a few streets away."

"You? Doing charity work? " He asked suspiciously, leaning forward and studying me with comically squinted eyes before he leant back again. "No way."

"When I first met you, I was cleaning up some bullies' mess, remember?" I rubbed at my temple. "What an idiot."

"...As... As if I care." He retorted in an uncreative way. Before I could respond, there was the sound of footsteps approaching us and I look back-

"Eren, that's no way to talk to our guest." Grisha Yeager, in all his sus glory, smiled down at me so warmly I could feel my glaciers of 'that's totally sus' beginning to melt. "You must be, erm, Kira, correct? Carla's talked about you."

"Yep." I snapped a lazy salute. "Kira Rouge, named by some dumb, colour blind, drunk man, at your service. I hope Aunt Carla said all good."

"Dad!" Eren exclaimed with a sunny smile. "You're back already?"

"Oh how your disposition switches so quickly and deceptively." I snarled in an exaggerated way. It was funny how quickly he could change moods though: going from annoying to adorable in a single moment.

"What?" He wrinkled his nose. "Dis-puh..."

"Disposition, Eren. It means the nature or character of someone. Kira, you're quite well read for your age." Grisha mused as he beckoned for me to enter. I did, Eren tilting slightly to let me through, and the man followed.

"Yeah, of course she's read really well!" Eren stated with a grin, "Because Armin's teaching her and Armin's super smart."

Grisha stilled and I inwardly slapped myself with a groan.

"You don't have... professional tutoring?" He asked carefully. It was put in a way that sounded judgemental, yet how he asked it made it sound anything but.

"Nah." I shrugged. "I sure know where to stab a man where it hurts though?"

"...You mean you have a basic knowledge of human anatomy?" He blinked, radiating a sort of pure energy that shouldn't come from a 'totally sus' man.

After two seconds, I conceded. "Yeah, I... have a basic knowledge of human anatomy."

And that was how I met Grisha Yeager for the first time.

-Nerdy puppy being a nerd that doesn't make sense-

"I'm sorry." I snarled in a totally unapologetic manner. "You're telling me that that-" I jabbed a finger onto an oval shaped 'u' that had two random lines coming out of it. "-is the letter 's'? What next? Our water is actually horse piss?"

"Well." Armin replied dryly, already used to my snappy rudeness. "If you read that word as anything but 'salt', then yes."

"The sass. He's growing up too soon." I muttered frantically, head buried in my hands. "It wasn't meant to come this early..."

"Kiki..." Armin sighed a little helplessly. "You're four years younger than me? Don't reprimand me about age again. Please?"

By the way, that was the most adorable nickname I'd ever heard so far; a stark contrast to Eld's detestable 'Kitten' and Eren's pathetic 'meanie' or 'Mikasa point two'. It actually came from when Armin was too puffed from our joint training (read: one-sided half-beat down) and kept addressing me with stutters of 'Kira' that sounded like 'Ki-Ki'.

"Also, 'sass' would be written like-" He carefully drew the weird oval-u-two-random-line-letter-horse-piss-so-called 's', then the 'a', which looked slightly more reasonable, then two of those weird oval-u-two-random-line-letter-horse-piss letters again. "-This. Okay?"

I opened my mouth to reply before I closed it, opening it again to suggest: "I refuse to believe that that letter is 's'. Besides, it could be any word! It could be... d-ah... m- b- ba- ta- no, wait... s- sh- r-rat... r-uh..."

A ten year old fluffy nerdy puppy could not possibly look so amused. "Sure. That works too."

I made an aborted gesture to flip the table and he cackled- cackled.

"Nerdy puppy!" I wailed. I was convinced he was high on something.

-Sometime in Month 6-

"I've made a decision." Eren muttered lowly. He pointed a finger at me. "...Fight me, Ki!"

Mikasa raised a brow in amusement. Armin gave a long-suffering groan.

"No way." I waved aside carelessly.

"What, are you scared? " He taunted, a cocky grin on his baby face.

"Yep." I nodded seriously, making him double take for a second. "-Of Aunt Carla getting upset over your half-dead body."

Armin slapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his laugh and Mikasa snickered, chuckles growing louder as Eren turned impossibly red.

"That's enough!" He charged at me, fist raised. "I'm totally gonna beat you and prove Mikasa and Armin and Mum all wrong!"

Hey, with how heatedly he was charging at me... at least he had some semblance of gender equality?

"Jeez, I'm kinda tired of watching you fumble around like a baby deer. Baby Eren, let's make a deal." I told him with a sigh as I shifted to avoid his sloppy right punch, sticking a foot out to trip him. He fell flat on his face.

"My name." He growled into the grass. "Is not. Baby. Eren."

"It's not." I agreed as I dodged his tackle. "But I'm calling you that. Or Baby Turd. Or even Baby Deer."

"...Mikasa," Armin whispered. "Did you hear those capital letters, or was it just me?"

"I heard them." Mikasa intoned neutrally. "It's become official. Eren has no escape now."

"Anyway." I cleared my throat. "I've already started helping Nerdy Puppy-" "Mikasa! Those capital letters?!" "-On how to not get beaten up. How about I'll teach you how to fight better than... this... as well, and you'll give me better weapons in exchange."

"What?" He paused in his kick, setting down his leg. "I don't have weapons."

"Aah." I groaned. "That's annoying. I thought all you richer people had weapons of some sort, but I guess you are a brat... Money? Hm, but looting is kinda fun..."

"Hah? That's a crime!" He cried angrily.

"What?" I exclaimed defensively. "It's justice! For me, at least... It's revenge! Are you saying that I can't trade rocks with some dumb people who tried to beat me up?"

"Yes!" Eren replied angrily before blinking: "...What?"

"But what can you even offer? Good food? A ticket to barge into your house whenever I want? Permission to cut Aunt Carla's hair?" I continued to muse. "How about your undying loyalty and eternal brotherly love? "

"You don't bargain loyalty!" He argued, a little confused. "Or... brotherly...? ...Or brotherly love! That's what you give for free! ...Actually not for free, because you have to give brotherly love back! Or- Or sisterly love if that's a word."

I nodded slowly. "...True. If I add in a dose of sisterly love along with how I beat you to the ground, will you give a dose of brotherly love back?"

"Yep." He nodded before recoiling. "What- Ki- Tsk, I- Urgh. Are you an idiot? "

"That's you." I huffed back. "And here I thought you said something wise for once."

"Thanks. ...Wait. No thanks. Did you have to add in the 'for once'?" Eren whined, abandoning his temper-induced goal of defeating me to prove that he 'totally could join the Survey Corps and not die immediately'... which he had, as a matter of fact, if not for Grisha.

"Not protesting to the idiot?" Armin called out cheekily.

"He already knows it's undeniable." Mikasa replied firmly in a semi-mournful tone.

"Hmm... actually," I hummed. "You know what? I'll teach you how to fight for free, and in exchange, I'll hopefully become better at fighting weaklings!"

"I'm not a weakling!" Eren yelled.

Sticking a tongue out at him, I turned to Mikasa who was calmly watching the interaction with that perpetually bemused tiny smile she always seemed to have when it came to Eren and his baby antics.

Armin, beside her, gave me a flat look that I pointedly ignored; he knew exactly what expression to pull to make me feel like a miserable pile of goo.

"Mika," I chirruped happily, making Eren balk at my change in tone. I couldn't help it. She was my (self-proclaimed) twin. "Fighting baby Eren is so boring; I'll beat him up later. Let's spar!"

Ridiculously enough, before me, these three children did not know that there was a kind of fighting that was not hostile. When I first told Eren I was beating Armin up in a friendly way, he'd gone still in complete confusion for over a minute.

"Of course Mikasa point two loves Mikasa. She's like your idol." Eren snorted before Mikasa bonked him over the head. "-Ouch! Mikasa!"

"Don't be rude, Eren. How many times have I told you?"

I wasn't denying it though; Mikasa when she wasn't fussing over Eren was badass. Actually, Mikasa was badass while she was fussing over Eren.

"-And of course, Kira." She agreed calmly, manoeuvring around Eren. "Parameters?"

"No injuries that'll last over two days." I gave a small grin, "And we'll stop when I give up. Don't defeat me too hard."

"You think I'll win?" Mikasa slowly circled towards me, lowering slightly as she observed my movements.

"Mhm." I nodded, making sure the movement was slow and minute.

The physical strength between a six year old and a ten year old was too large... or well, between a six year old Ackerman and a ten year old Ackerman. Not to mention, I didn't hold the strange Ackerman phenomenon; I didn't 'just know what to do' or feel some sort of Ackerman power: I had to actively use what I'd learnt in my past life and this life.

On that note, I'd figured that the other person ( "You're a strange one." ) who jumped into that... light... as well had been an Ackerman or something. I didn't know how it worked! And I'm pretty sure I ended up colliding and kicking him or her out or whatever.

Without further ado, Mikasa dove towards me, sweeping a leg that I neatly stepped around. I kicked at the back of her standing leg and she pivoted to block it with her outer thigh, swinging a right fist towards my torso a moment later.

I drew back, dodging to the left and grabbing her wrist with my right hand. My left braced her right shoulder as I pushed downwards, a leg sweeping in the opposite direction in some Judo move that I forgot the name of.

In the split second before she hit the ground, Mikasa ignored the sudden imbalance, twisting her body and swinging her left hand to grab at my collar while she yanked her right arm out of my grip, using it to push me onto the floor instead of her.

How unfair. Surely that was not physically possible. But ah. Right. Physics can die in this world.

I slammed my feet onto the ground, bucking my hips. She made a halted noise of surprise, toppling forwards. I hooked my right elbow around her right bicep, pulling to the left as my other arm pushed her side to the right.

I made a triumphant noise as I managed to switch our positions, feeling a stupid amount of pride for finally managing to do those fiddling Jiu Jitsu wrestles.

Then I blinked and our positions switched again.

I sputtered, "H-How did you manage to copy that move and instantly do it even better? That isn't fair, Mika!"

"Do you give up?" She smiled with good-natured enjoyment.

"Hah! You totally suck, Kira!" Eren cheered. "Beat her ass, Mikasa!"

"Stop being salty, Baby Turd!" I yelled back. "Don't make Mika fight your fights just because you're a weak Baby Turd!"

"I'm not a baby turd!" He screeched. Armin sighed.

"I'll take it that you give up." Mikasa smoothly rose, offering a hand which I took mock-begrudgingly. "I must say that you've given me a more interesting fight than any I'd ever had before, Kira."

"Really?" I beamed, making Eren make an exaggerated gagging noise-

"It's gross how you can act so sparkly and cute after calling me a 'baby turd'!"

Both of us ignoring him, Mikasa stared down at me and placed a tentative hand on my head, patting it twice. It somehow didn't feel demeaning and my smile stretched even more at the warmth bubbling in my chest.

Eren gagged again.

-Year 845: Month 10-

It'd been at least five months since I first met the baby trio and the Survey Corps people. I was starting to wonder just when the attack was going to occur. There were a few times the bell rang- it was honestly hard to miss considering how close I was to the wall- but nothing ever happened.

It would be merciful to my own mental health to just get swept away in the ridiculousness of the baby trio, but I was more practical than that; as much as I would love to indulge myself in Armin's fluffy hair and Mikasa's absolute amazingness and tease the hell out of Eren, I had to continuously remind myself what happened in canon because it was starting to slip my mind.

As I started meeting with the trio more, I ended up getting softer: committing less robberies. I basically did chore work at my inn for spare change and helped the Yeager family with errands as well. I worked a lot at that restaurant I visited 24/7 because Armin guilted me into paying back all the times I got free meals off of the owner. It was pretty fun though- I got to cut up lots of animal carcasses and watch him how to cook.

"Hello?" Armin snapped a hand in front of my face. "Anyone there?"

Armin was a big success in my half-hearted attempt to placate the main trio's raging mental disabilities.

He's less of a wimp than before and can actually defeat his bullies with ease now. He honestly only ever had a complex about his strength and now that he doesn't get constantly beaten up by anyone but me, he feels better.

He still can't win against Eren or Mikasa though. Obviously.

Well, not so obvious in Eren's case, but Eren was so gung-ho about being strong that he repeatedly challenged Mikasa and I and got thrashed. Amongst the months of getting thrashed, he ended up finding out how to replicate our movements which was frankly genius of him. His former inferiority complex towards Mikasa had eased slightly when he started viewing her more as a goal or rival or even someone to copy cool moves off of rather than a sister who was always trying to one-up him.

Mikasa is far better adjusted to hand-to-hand combat now that we did it frequently. In the first place, she had been a genius; after repeated spars, she just got better. It seemed like once Eren's fixed his complex regarding Mikasa's strength, her mental bleh was pretty much resolving as well.

Luckily for me, hand-to-hand combat also came smoother to me and I'm pretty sure my boom of growth was thanks to Ackerman genes, but who knew? I was pretty amazing after all.

As far as six and ten year olds go, I was sure that we were the strongest in Wall Maria at the very least. I mean, Mikasa and I can kick the smaller trees down with ease.

Armin turned out to be the most vicious verbal attacker once I meshed my insults and unabashed crudeness with his subtle manipulation and fancy words that elegantly ripped your mind into pieces.

Eren was... a whirlwind. To say the least. What he lacked in finesse, he made up for with passion in spades. He was like a Gon Freecss mixed with an Uchiha Sasuke... kind of.

But on the outside, they all seemed the same. My influence had been only five months in their ten years.

I jerked out of my thoughts when something sharp smelling was placed on my nose- "Mint?" I snatched at it when it drifted off the tip, glancing at it for a moment before shoving it into my mouth and chewing on it.

"It actually does work." Armin smiled slightly. "I'll be sure to thank Mr Basil. Are you back to the world of living?"

"No."

"I don't get it!" Eren huffed. "I literally tried to punch you and you didn't respond, but Armin put a leaf on your nose."

"A mint leaf." I added, because normally leaves didn't taste good. "You didn't really punch me, did you...?" I squinted at him. "Wait, when you said 'tried'-"

"Do you see the red on my cheek?" He hissed angrily. "You slapped me before I even succeeded!"

"Eh," I shrugged, "I don't need to pay attention to deal with Baby Turds."

"What a meanie." Eren made a 'tch' noise, folding his arms. "I can't even call you a Mikasa point two anymore because Mikasa is so much cooler than you."

"Thank you, Eren." Mikasa sighed softly, dope slapping him in the same motion. "But how many times have I told you to be nicer to Kira?"

"Too many times for a little brat like her- OW! Armin? Really? "

"I'm the popular one, Baby Turd. Hehe." I grinned. "Mika and Nerdy Puppy are on my side- OW! Mika..."

Mikasa drew back her hand, whistling innocently.

"Kiki, you too." Armin rapped his knuckles against my forehead. "Stop calling Eren... pfft- 'baby turd'... haha-"

"Ar-min." Eren gritted out in a whine.

"He does look like a turd though!" I grabbed his entire head, ignoring his hands batting me away. "But he's pretty adorable for a turd, so that's why he's a baby turd."

"Mikasa, you got lucky." Armin murmured, shooting Eren a pitying look.

"Don't give me that pitying look as if Ki doesn't call you nerdy puppy. Mikasa just ain't as cute as us then!" Eren snapped from where his head was awkwardly held by me.

"Shut up! Mika is cuter than both of you put together!" I screeched angrily.

-Finally the restaurant and introducing a background character-

"Oh- Shit." I hissed as I realised I'd wasted most of my time on studying the guts of the pig instead of removing the guts.

"Doing dissections again, Rouge?" The man's amused voice floated from the doorway. "At this rate, I'll have to confiscate your daggers."

"I'll use your fucken' cleavers then, old man!" I yelled back.

A beat. And then- "I'm not old; I'm in my fresh thirties!"

I made sure to snort extra loud.

"Stop snorting, Rouge. Did the pig eat you? "

My mouth flapped for a moment as I paused- Mr Cook, or whatever his name was, was never good at insulting or replying in a way that was anywhere near 'witty'.

"Mr Cook managing to say something witty is equivalent to an incoming fucking apocalypse." I murmured to myself, grabbing the big half-bowl-thingy and basically scraping the guts off the pig's back.

"I heard that." He drawled as he pushed open the door to peer at me, leaning on the door frame. "Also my name is Basil, if you forgot already."

"Aah." I hummed in an uncommitted tone. "Sorry Mr Rosemary, you just look so plain."

"Well." He sighed. "At least you remembered what you could substitute basil with?"

"Always positive." I beamed up at him. "That's the Grandpa Spinach that we all love."

"And that's the little stray cat that I loathe." He returned, pressing a finger onto my nose and smearing flour over it.

Notes:

notes:
- that ending was fucking abrupt.

- in the manga, it was portrayed like eren talked abt joining the survey corps for the first time but i dont think it's realistic considering how heated he was over a small thing. if he was always like that, then i bet that argument in chapter 1 woulda happened everyday :)
- also eremika probably wont happen in this fic altho aot ending won't change that much either... assuming i even go that far

Chapter 4: dead men

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 4

- dead men -

(the ones left behind)

When the bell rang again, I shifted uncomfortably, ignoring the questioning look Mr Potato shot me as I placed down my breakfast.

What even happened in canon? Did Bertolt smash the wall on the same day as the Survey Corps returned, or the day after? On that note, I didn't even know whether I should move closer to Wall Maria or not.

I'd forgotten what exactly got smashed. If I moved closer to Wall Maria, would I be in greater danger? By my meagre memory, the Colossal Titan had instantly disappeared while the Armoured one just stomped everywhere, charging through and causing so much wreckage. But didn't the Colossal Titan kick the wall as well and send boulders flying everywhere? Or was that the later breach... Was there a later breach?

What wall did Reiner breach? What day was it anyway? I just remembered that it was in the same episode- the first one- but not the events or timeline or anything exact. It was what happened later on in the series that I remembered a little better.

To stay out of suspicion, I just remained in my usual place, making sure to check on the baby trio after every bell ring to see if there was anything that sparked my memory.

Besides, I had a leg up compared to all the other civilians here.

When I had the time, I'd asked around and walked around and was informed that the distance from the wall of Shiganshina to Wall Maria was more or less thirty kilometres. I could walk from one end to the other in less than six hours. Because my body was extremely fit, both from my genetics, my Ackerman whatever, and my non-stop training, I could run the entire thing in roughly one and a half hour if I was desperate.

I convinced myself I was fine.

(A small voice in my head coldly told me to stop daydreaming.)

"Are you okay?" Mr Baker slid into the seat in front of me. "You usually finish your food really quickly. Does it not suit your appetite?"

"You said the last part out of courtesy." I accused without heat. "If there was something in this restaurant that didn't 'suit my appetite', you'd give me those sad, teary eyes of yours until I had to like them."

"I do not." He sulked. "You make me sound like a child! I'm thirty-one! And you're six!"

"You're doing it right now." I shot him an unimpressed look and he recoiled from it as if the expression physically wounded him. Shovelling the last two pieces of food into my mouth, I stood up, chewing aggressively and swallowing quickly. "Happy now?"

"Very." He grinned. "Anyway, I should probably get back to serving..."

"You're a horrible restaurant owner." I deadpanned.

"You work here anyway." He sing-songed back.

Rolling my eyes, I exited the small building, turning the corner to look for the baby trio.

A loud boom resounded in the air, making my heart skip a beat before I paused in confusion. The people around me were likewise worried as they looked around in slight fear. "Was that an earthquake...?"

I swivelled around, noticing people beginning to stare upwards, pointing at something with wide, terrified eyes.

Ice began to settle in my stomach as I took shaking steps towards the open street, glancing upwards and paling at the large plumes of smoke in the air. A large, red hand gripped the top of the wall as the Colossal Titan pulled himself up.

It happened in a single moment, so quickly that I barely had time to react at the events.

I'd only just taken in the spine-chilling gaze of the Colossal Titan before an explosion erupted at the base of the wall as hundreds of debris and boulders flew into the air, destroying the feeble houses in its path, killing dozens already.

I broke into a sprint, remembering with clarity where the three children were: by the river. I just needed to follow Armin, and then my safety would be preserved. I wouldn't die. I wouldn't die here with countless other faceless civilians. I- I just couldn't. Death was...

('Finish the sentence, Kira Rouge.')

I couldn't see anyone familiar amongst the chaos.

Children were bawling, parents were dragging their family along.

Horrified screams exploded all around the street, deafening and somehow blinding at the same time as I felt my emotions be swept alongside of theirs- the last of my rationality flying out of the window once I saw titans beginning to walk from the wreckage towards the fleeing crowd.

Towards me.

I began to sprint in the general direction that everyone was running towards, snapping my neck to face forward at Wall Maria as I ignored the men, women, children, innocent people who were left behind. They were dead men already.

Dead men I couldn't save.

('It sounds pretty when you phrase it like that, doesn't it?')

I shoved away the people too slow, the ones who hindered my movements, and got in my way.

The sounds of impacts and the screams of people were close, amplified in my mind as my heart pounded with a dizzying fear. I needed to save myself- I needed to save them- Armin, Mikasa, Eren- ('They'll be fine.') I didn't know whether or not they'd be fine.

They weren't just 'protagonists' to me anymore; they were my friends. They were just kids. They were just ten and young and naïve and stupid. My intervention might have changed it somehow, and what if one of them died?

What if-

I looked around and stared at the people, bleeding and screaming around me. I knew them. I knew a lot of them. In less than a year, I'd come to learn who was pregnant, and who was allergic to certain foods, or who always accidentally bought too many tomatoes, or-

('You weren't wrong when you said 'dead people'. You've always been realistic; don't stop it now.')

A family, half soaked in blood. A mother crying over a small bloodied lump. A woman's torso was laid out on the street, uncared for as people ignored her or trampled over her. That was the disabled woman who'd given me warm milk when I hadn't gotten a stay at the inn yet.

The inn. That lady. Was she dead?

The restaurant. Basically my home. Mr Cook. I realised with dull horror as my legs stuttered and failed me.

I slowed to a halt, barely making a sound as someone shoved me onto the ground by accident. He was pretty damn close to the line of buildings that the rubble crashed into. But... He had to be fine, right? Surely out of all the rubble that crashed down, it wouldn't have crushed him, righ-

Without even knowing why, I spun on my feet, moving faster than I had before as I twisted around the running civilians. It was only a street away. It wouldn't change much at all; I was already too close to the borders for comfort in the first place.

'What an idiot- running head first towards those monstrosities. They remind me of Barbie and Ken, but ugly.' My Horrible Humour snickered.

"What are you doing here?" I muttered to myself through sharp exhales.

'Making a comeback.'

I slowly reached the corner, involuntarily hitching my breath as I turned-

"Oh no." I let out in a breathless gasp of horror. "Oh no, no, no-" I took one step towards the wreckage, the scent of blood overpowering the scent of fresh bread, or vegetables, or the occasional meat.

The scent of death overpowering the scents that I hadn't known I'd grown to love.

"M-Mr Cook?" I tried for a yell- the one I normally did when I found mould somewhere and injected every bit of taunt I had in myself. But that yell fell flat. It sounded weak. Like a plea, like a whimper.

Please be alive. Him at the very least.

'Of course he dies.' That voice, part like my mimicked 'Horrible Humour' one and part like the strange, cold voice I'd heard more recently.

A strained scream sounded out and I winced as I realised I recognised the voice.

'He's already dead.' The voice argued, so heatedly that I wondered whether or not it was truly just my subconscious. 'Leave him be.'

I quickened my pace as I walked around the building, circling around the ruins of my...

"Rouge?!" Mr Cook managed out through gasping breaths. "What are you doing here? R-Run away!" But his tone screamed 'help me'.

'Of course he's being eaten alive by an Abnormal. Just our fucking luck.' The tone is flippant. Mildly annoyed. It was a bit over two metres tall and had gross body fat proportioning and its features were shuffled and arranged in a surreal way.

A titan up close looked... more normal than I expected despite that bizarre description.

'Like Picasso.' They chuckled.

It appeared to be sucking the blood out of his arm which had been bitten off part way. By now, the sight of blood was common, but seeing the spurting blood and torn skin on one of the people I meet with and talk to almost everyday was... nauseating. Scary.

My eyes snapped to the largest cleaver lying just a metre from the titan.

Why must I run?

Back then when I faced those slave traders, I hadn't run despite the fact that I could have died so simply.

I now knew why Eren had been able to attack those people when he was nine; it wasn't because he was a 'country' boy or because he didn't understand the concept of death, or even that he'd always been an unhinged child: it was because he realised that humans had two choices in these kinds of scenarios and it wasn't 'fight or flight'-

It was both, or die.

In a burst of speed, ground crunching under my feet, I snagged the cleaver, sliding on the ground as I flipped the utensil and aimed at the thinnest joint- the knees- and ripped off the limb in a spray of blood, causing it to topple over.

With a yell, Mr Cook was dropped from the hand and he fell onto his feet, stumbling slightly.

Feeling unhinged and spirited from the surprising success, I swung wildly at the other knee, only managing to cut it halfway this time. I left it there, grabbing Mr Cook's hand and dragging him out of there.

My heartbeat thudded loudly in my head as I ducked and swerved into different streets to avoid the closer titans. They were so close.

I felt something cold hit my stomach when I caught sight of a blonde, smiling titan walking ever so slowly in the direction of the Yeager's house. I refused to stumble, and looked on ahead.

I told myself that I wasn't abandoning Carla. She would've died anyway. Her legs had been crushed and there'd been a titan there. I was just a six year old kid who had a bit of snark; I couldn't do anything about this situation and there was no reason to guilt over it.

(I tried to ignore Carla's motherly smile- something I hadn't seen in an unbearably long time. I tried to ignore how warm her hand had been. How welcoming her eyes had been. How gentle her voice had been.

Had been because she was going to die.

Because I was going to leave her to die. One of the people who treated me better than I'd ever dared to wish and-)

It turns out I didn't have to force myself to pick the selfish (practical) route of abandoning her (a dead woman) because a titan, similarly large, was unknowingly herding me towards their direction.

With a gritted curse, I headed took a sharp turn to head in the vague direction of where Eren, Mikasa, and Carla were. If I recalled correctly, Hannes did manage to evacuate them after running from the titan, so there should be-

I felt Mr Cook's hand breaking off mine and I slammed my heels into the ground, whirling around and instinctively unsheathing a dagger. He'd collapsed onto his hands and knees, what I could see of his face ashen.

"Wh-What's wrong?" I looked around, jittery from adrenaline. Then I realised he was panting harshly, and was awfully... unsteady... He couldn't keep up?

"Bl... Blood loss." He exhaled quietly, head bowing as he trembled. "W-We can't reach Wall Maria in time. It's- It's hopeless."

"'Hopeless'?" I repeated desperately, staring at the titan who was slowly nearing us. "You'd rather be eaten than at least try? "

"It's hopeless." He sobbed, fingers clawing into the ground. "My arm hurts so bad and I'm pretty sure my ankle is sprained. I can't do this. I-... I'm gonna die. We're all gonna die. Th-There's no way out of this."

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I'd seen it before (on the streets with people begging and pleading to no one, and children who cried uselessly as they sat on the floor), but to think that someone who was so... present... in my life be reduced to some pathetic background character was... unbelievable.

('Leave him.') Do I?

"Oi, oi, don't fuck with me." I spat, curling my fingers into a fist to prevent them from shaking even more. "You're just- You're just in your early thirties, aren't you? You have so much to live for, don't you? "

"...They'll use boats." He whispered before the words came out more tumbled and panicked. "-And there aren't that many. There are so many people closer to it than we are, and I'm this injured, and I'll definitely die. I can't make it that far. We can't make it. We'll die here. We're both gonna die. Titans have invaded this town. It's- It's-"

I took a slow step back as the titan that had neared us turned its head.

"Mr Basil." I said, voice unwavering and flat. "I'm going to leave you here."

So what if he was one of the only people I'd interacted with? If he would be that much of a hindrance- if he wanted to die so badly, I'd let him.

I'd spilled human blood; this was just the easier version of it.

('You shouldn't have come for him in the first place.')

"Don't! " He cried, making no move to follow me as I took a few more steps away. "Don't leave me here!"

"Then move! " I screamed back, spinning on my feet and sprinting away as the titan's footsteps thundered towards us, each step coming fast than the other.

"I-I can't!" He replied deliriously, hands clawing desperately and going nowhere. "No, no, no, don't-"

I gritted my teeth in anger, feeling a strange amount of betrayal at his cowardice; he'd been near eaten and he was still like that? I'd saved him from out of the titan's mouth and he had that mindset?

Was he asking me to die with him?

I forced myself not to look back as the footsteps became louder and louder and the sound of debris shattering was too close for comfort.

I wasn't going to die with him. I wasn't going to die. Not here. Not like this.

I swallowed dryly as I tried to focus on my own feet, hating how my ears picked up on his screams, his sobs- and the distant crunch as his bones snapped inside of the titan's mouth.

I'd always understood how filthy humans could be, and I'd killed men before, but for some reason it felt like I got dirtier after this.

I let myself cast a cursory look backwards to determine just how much time his death- death- had stalled. I could see the titan's head above the buildings and it was fortunately stationary.

I let out a choked noise as I felt a burn in my eyes. I'd had every opportunity to prepare for this, yet the reality had never sunk in. The fact that titans existed, the fact that they could- would- eat me- eat the people close to me. ('You don't care. It's unreasonable to at this moment.')

I gasped silently, knees buckling as I realised I'd run straight towards Eren's house, almost hitting the leg of the smiling titan. How could my situational awareness be so bad?

I forced myself to continue standing and not buckle at my knees as I saw rivulets of blood running through the cracks of the ground in front of me.

I slowly raised my head up to stare at the titan's head, nausea rising in my throat as I saw it swallow, haunting grin on its face. Was that... Carla?

Eren's hoarse cry snapped the ringing out of my head as I turned to face him, eyes impossibly wide.

Noticing Hannes and Mikasa with him as well, I felt an unbidden sense of relief- unbidden, because what of this situation was to call for relief?- and that single moment to make sure that they were alive cost me too much.

The titan noticed me.

Eren screamed again, and this time it was for me.

Notes:

notes:
- ceo of introducing characters just to kill them off.
- ceo of making characters do dumb shit just to make plot

Chapter 5: I. my paved road

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

- my paved road -

(day 1)

I managed to barely dodge the hand it reached for me as I rolled to the side, heartbeat kicking up as I took shallow, gasping breaths.

I shoved down each and every useless thought, or emotion into my Box of Absolutely Nothing and began to strategically think out every possible outcome that could result in my next few decisions.

Titans weren't as fast because of how much space it took up. They had greater air resistance, and its body itself holds low density, making it far slower than it appeared.

If I look at the normal titans in a technical way, they were not fast enough to catch a human by grabbing at it at all, making me extremely confused how they could catch people on the ODM gear. Then again, titans were majorly unknown, and their mechanics- any mechanics, really- didn't matter in this universe.

There was a titan in the distance behind me, and the one that'd eaten Mr Cook to my right by less than two hundred metres. I was trapped.

If I could get around it, I could catch up to Hannes and escape that way- but how? I had no strength to match against this calibre of a titan, and I had no weapon other than daggers which would probably break before I manage to give noteworthy damage.

'All of the outcomes,' I realised with a grim smile, 'Got me eaten alive, or crushed to death.'

"We're all going to die." Even if this entire world wanted to trample over me, I would never cower away from it.

Fuck that, I'm not dying at all.

Before I continued my train of thought, I tracked the titan's movements, predicting its next swing as I sprinted towards its legs, hoping that it wasn't faster than it'd acted before.

A foot dragged, kicking up a cloud of dust and I waved it away, squinting as I felt flecks of dirt get into my eyes.

I felt a disturbance in the wind as the titan reached for me again, fingers chasing after my figure.

The hand crashed against the ground, harder this time, and the impact had enough force to throw me off my feet.

I felt my vision double for a moment as my head slammed against stone, causing me to let out an aborted yell.

I'm not dying.

Something warm trickled down my nape and I let out a shudder, sight bleary as I cracked open an eye. It was tall, and the smile stretching across its face was eerie and unsettling. Its eyes were lacking in light, and conscious thought.

I'm not dying.

I heaved up all my strength as I saw it begin to reach for me, twisting my body and tumbling down the roof tiles in the opposite direction. I squeezed my eyes shut as shards of clay and stone dug into my body.

As I hit the floor, limbs boneless and twitching, I drew myself up onto my hands and knees, letting out a harsh exhale.

I'm not dying.

My fingers were tapping on wood and I realised that it was a handle... on the floor-

I could feel the soft vibrations coming from the step the titan took towards me.

I'm not dying.

My vision was tunnelling and black stars were dancing in the corners. Its arm extended for me again.

I'm not dying.

With a grunt, I threw myself a few metres to the right, the boulder now blocking my view of the titan as its hand collided against the ground, bringing a large plume of dust to rise.

I'm not dying again.

My hand latched onto the handle. As I felt the dust shift unnaturally, I ripped it open, causing the little bits of debris that survived the shockwave of the titan's grab to scatter away. Without fully opening it, I shoved myself through and the trapdoor slammed shut above me.

I tumbled down a set of stairs, barely managing a groan as I hit my head again, and black smothered my vision.

I woke up with a pounding headache.

Cracking my eyes open, I warily drifted my gaze around, seeing only darkness. As I slowly recalled the events that happened before, I felt my stomach twist. How long have I been out? Where am I? Where is everyone else? Did they leave me behind? I shouldn't have come back. Am I going to die? I-

I carefully sat up, wincing as my head rang with the movement. I looked up, grimacing when I realised how far I'd fallen. This was... the basement. I'd nearly forgotten about it.

I was... still alive?

Then again, I didn't know how the titan would have continued to try and eat me- That was a thought for a later time. Right now, I needed to know just how much time had passed.

The pool of blood on the stone was near dry, so it might've been a fair bit of time. Not to mention I was in no state to continue... I heaved a sigh, turning to look at the door.

There must be medicine there somewhere, and hopefully some water or food. Levi could kick down the door with ease, but in my state... I doubted it. To get hit on the head and pass out was pretty bad, but I was an offspring of titan science, so hopefully I heal fast?

I approached the door and squinted at the padlock. Jesus- I was eye to eye with this door lock; my shortness never failed to annoy me at the most random times. I pulled my satchel- and yes, I still had that- and sorted through my stuff.

I couldn't lock pick despite my seemingly all-rounder talents, and I didn't even have the equipment for it. I couldn't even figure out how the padlock even mattered; it was just like a door bolt. After staring at it for another minute, I rolled my eyes and decided to just deal with the incoming migraine.

I couldn't reach as high as Levi (as short as he was, hehe), but I could just kick under the lock which was most likely a weak point and just put a hole in it. Lucky I hadn't hurt any of my legs in my short rounds with the titans.

I raised my leg, making sure my joints were all bent before I slammed my heel down, causing splinters of wood to creak and explode under the attack. Fuck the steel supporters.

My entire body shook from the indirect shock of it and I gingerly placed my leg down, woozy from the action. The hole was pretty decent coming from a concussed six year old, but not nearly enough to fit me.

I took the gun I still had and flipped it on its head, using the back of it to hammer in a bigger hole. Maybe this wood was a shitty kind of wood, or maybe titan science was really doing me favours right now, but it didn't take much splinters for me to be able to make myself in.

"-Medicine, medicine, medicine-" I chanted under my breath. "Fucking hell, Dr Yeager, the fuck you making all this medicine for?"

I grabbed for the one that read 'For Open Wounds' and placed it onto the table. "I'm stealing half this shit." I glanced at all the books and realised with a sigh that they were all medicinal ones as well. What a nerd.

So far, I had managed to gather quite a bit considering this was a basement that reeked of 'totally sus'.

"Ooh!" I grabbed at a large roll of paper, "A map."

I snatched all the other large rolls of paper, eyes widening at the medical diagrams there. Upon diligent searching, I found one for titans, noticing with mild disappointment that it was the same as what I knew already. I tossed it back into the crater, noticing-

"Ah, wine." Honestly, rules can get eaten at this point. I popped the cork off and chugged a few mouthfuls despite the fact that you weren't meant to chug wine. It was a shot of confidence, alright?

After feeling as though the room had been thoroughly searched I turned to my pile of goodies on the table; it was hilarious how I still felt giddy at the notion of stealing despite the dire circumstance I was in. That was what my amazing Box of Absolutely Nothing was for!

I removed my clothing piece by piece until I stood semi-naked, surveying my body for any injuries to address. I applied the balms to my bruises and scratches, and after I finished, I removed the ribbon from my hair, grimacing at the hard and sticky feeling.

Wet wipes hadn't been invented, and I couldn't spare water. Grabbing a glob of medicine, I slapped it over the centre of the bloodiness, gingerly rubbing it in. It reminded me of when Carla would pat my head and-

All summon the Box of Absolutely Nothing.

I grabbed at the roll of bandages, unfurling a generous amount before I cut it off with my dagger. Lifting the centre of the bandage to my forehead, I paused.

How... does one tie their own head injury?

Do I just tie it over my hair? With a frown, I lifted my arms over my head, leaning downwards so that I was facing the floor. I pulled the bandage onto half-wound, half-hair and decided it was good enough, lifting my head back up again as I wrapped it across my forehead. I switched hands and methodically wrapped the strip of white and tied it at the back.

As much as I wanted to look cute, this was gonna have to do.

Half drenched in adrenaline-induced sweat, I decided not to put on my clothes, and instead started to sort through my satchel. It hurt my heart to ditch the money, but I knew it'd be useless, so I only kept five golden coins and placed the rest on the table, knowing that in Season 3 or something, I could get it back.

Grabbing at an empty jar, I rolled in a small notebook I'd found and shoved in two pencils. I poured the five coins in as well before I snapped it shut.

Journaling has been said to be a good coping mechanism and since I couldn't dissect anything here, or indulge in the baby trio, writing was going to have to do. It would improve my writing as well; right now, Armin had only gotten me fluent with reading.

Writing was still kind of a pain considering I spent most of my time reading Armin's illegal books. "They aren't illegal!" I shoved the indignant, shaky voice to the back of my mind- of all the things that affect me now...

I'd drunk all the water because there hadn't been that much in the first place, and decided to take a tiny wine bottle (about the size of an adult hand) just in case. (And also because I felt like I needed as much alcohol as I could get.) I resolutely ignored how alcohol caused dehydration.

I took a small container of basic fever medicine, matches, and more of the salve and shoved it into the bottom of my satchel. I put the jar from before and the wine bottle on top of that and finally, my gun and a few of my daggers.

Finally I let myself lie on the floor, delving into the mess that I'd steadfastly ignored.

The titans.

According to the map, the distance between Wall Maria and Wall Rose was one hundred kilometres. I only needed to reach Trost which meant I roughly had to travel that much. Because of titans, I'd have to make constant detours, so that means I had to expect to take a longer time.

My heart stuttered as I thought of the titans. It's hopeless. I can't dare to- Shoving the rising feeling of fear down, I began to think: why didn't the titan come after me when I came here?

The titans had no intelligence, and I highly doubted they had a sixth sense. They were shown to have organs though; eyes, ears, mouth... Smell was unrealistic, and I assume that titans just hear humans screaming and track their voices.

As for things in the anime such as the titans peering into the buildings, it could be inferred that they simply saw humans literally going into the building and used common sense to find them. Then again, titans didn't have 'sense'... maybe just 'hunting senses'?

I filed that into my memory for later; in the worst case scenarios, I could perhaps 'play dead' as they didn't seem to eat corpses.

Anyhow, it would justify how the Dina titan hadn't stuck its hand underground as the dust it kicked up was quite large and I'd been mostly obscured from its view. The trapdoor blends extremely well with the floorboard, and it probably thought I managed to get away...

Upon thinking about it, the anime exaggerated quite a lot of things. For one: the titans did not cause the ground to shake. They also weren't that aesthetically terrifying apart from their size. They didn't appear to radiate any ominous presence like what it seemed in Hannes' eyes in the first (I think) episode.

If I travelled quickly and smartly, I could probably get to Wall Maria during the night. I needed to steal more weapons- notably the Garrison soldiers' blades as my own weren't good enough.

Much to my growing frustration, the Garrison soldiers had done absolutely nothing during the attack, choosing to abandon the citizens closest to the wall of Shiganshina. It was reasonable considering their position, but it made me angry nonetheless. I hope they don't get paid.

Now: to travel.

Ever since I'd woken up, I'd refused to think of any outcome other than myself getting to Trost safely. I had nothing to lose at this point, and everyone had always told me that I worked the best, the hardest, and the smartest when I was in the worst situations alone.

My Box of Absolutely Nothing had, at first, been a comical representation of how I could instantly file away parts of my consciousness that I deemed unnecessary or even hindering, but now it was something I heavily relied upon.

(If I just delved a little bit deeper, I'd completely break down in mental exhaustion.)

I couldn't afford to think like all those people who'd died in the anime. I couldn't afford to act as a six year old, or even as a usual adult.

I had to think critically, logically, and defy what seems inevitable.

Travelling at night made the entire process feel much easier. I vaguely knew how to get to Wall Maria, and the moon shouldn't be at a full phase right now, so there wouldn't be any threat other than their sleeping forms scaring the shit out of me.

There was also the river I could resort to as I highly doubted that a titan could swim. Even if they weren't affected by water, they'd never be able to submerge in it because of their incredibly low density.

So to conclude: I'll walk in a slight diagonal to reach the river while travelling towards Wall Maria; I needed to obtain blades that can actually harm titans; I needed to establish a secondary basement or underground area to settle in before daytime; and I needed to find a source of food and water.

I huffed out an exhale, walking slowly towards the door I'd managed to completely rip off its hinges. Crawling up the stairs, I tried to peak through the crack between the ground and the trapdoor to no avail; it was air tight. I pushed my head to a weird angle, pressing my head against the trapdoor and heard distant footsteps-

Still daytime.

I waited for another two minutes, but it didn't seem like there were any titans near me. If I couldn't do just this, I couldn't go to even Wall Maria- Holding my breath, I shifted it just the tiniest bit upwards, squinting at the dim light.

Peaking through the half a centimetre gap, I realised that it was late evening. The sun would set in a few hours. I slowly close it shut, moving back to the basement room and began to dress again.

After two minutes of silence (apart from the minute vibrations of the titans), I decided to begin my weird journal thing. I sat into the wooden seat and grabbed at the notebook and one of the pencils-

"Why are you shaking?" I whispered, staring at my palm. My fingers were quivering, but my voice seemed flat as it had been since I'd woken up. I swallowed heavily, curling the hand and pressing it to my chest.

It felt like a weight was pressing on my back as I pressed my forehead against the table.

Inhales and exhales dragged out of my chest like a chore. I was fine with dying, honestly, but not dying like this.

Allowing myself half a minute of fatigue, I sat back up, straightening my back as I began to write.

Page 1

Note to self (Y845, M10):

Day 1: Fall of Shiganshina/Wall Maria, Yeager's basement, limited supplies

Night 1: travel, find resources, loot bodies (destination: around Wall Maria by the river)

Day 2: sleep/write in this dumb book- adrenaline may prevent good sleep however

Night 2: walk again, or depending on the situation, stay and acclimate/shower because I'm covered in shitty dirt and it's gross

Day 3:

Night 3:

Day 4:

Night 4:

Day 5:

Night 5:

Page 3 onwards

Addressed to whichever fuckhead sifting through my shit,

Hello, I hope you're having an equally fantastic day as I am.

(Unless your Mika because I'm obviously being sarcastic, if so, then: I love you 3 Have an actually amazing day 3 Please keep kicking Baby Turd's bum-bum 3

If you're Baby Turd, then stop screaming vengeance; I know you're doing it. My loyal disciple shouldn't scream too much about revenge.

If you're Nerdy Puppy, go read a better book that doesn't have me making jokes out of titans. Hopefully, you aren't getting bullied ^^ 3

Also, here, for Baby Turd. You get a heart as well because even though you're a Baby Turd, you still have my sisterly love 3 )

Ahem.

Because I am the most important here, I am Kira Rouge (although you won't be able to find that because I am an unwanted, technically nameless orphan that no one gives a shit about).

This is the 10th month of Year 845. I am in the basement of Grisha, Carla, and Eren Yeager's house in Shiganshina. I am six years old and I feel as though that highlights to how amazing I am to have to deal with this.

Excuse myself stroking my ego while titans are looking for juicy humans like me to snack on. I find my sarcasm to be most potent in the worse situations.

Starting from when the attack first occurred:

I was around a kilometre from the outer wall. I'd helped Mr Basil, this restaurant owner, get out of his predicament. Said predicament was that a two metre tall abnormal titan was sucking his blood from his half-eaten arm.

I used a butcher's cleaver to sever a leg from knee down, and cut it half-way through the other. In the end, it didn't matter though because Mr Basil was a coward, a hindrance, and basically brought his death and my apparently incoming death on.

Following shortly after he was eaten a few metres away from me, I collided into a blonde, smiling titan who ate Carla Yeager, Eren's mom. Hannes was carrying Eren and Mikasa away and completely ditched me.

I'd like to say it's alright, but I also want to say fuck him for doing that. I managed to escape into here after hitting my head and passing out for about three-five hours and I'm gathering supplies and planning on getting to Trost. Shut the fuck up- I can already hear those annoying mosquitoes claiming that I'll die or it isn't possible or there's definitely something amiss or something, I dunno, just shut up.

(Nevermind that my status would probably already be determined if this is ever read by anyone other than myself.)

More important than your opinion that's wrong unless you agree with mine, someone needs to teach me how to tie a head wound because I suck ass at it.

It's not a stellar look, and I'm almost glad no one's here to see how much of a hobo I look like.

Oh, that just reminds me. Fuck whoever condones slave trading because damn they're like rats: all over the fucking place. 'Hobo' reminded me of them because of how greasy they look. Disgusting, outside and in.

Thank the Walls that Mika is just as good at pest control as I am. And Baby Turd, let's give you some credit.

Also if anyone finds a sack of coins in the Yeager's basement before I do: it's mine, so don't fucking touch it, you greedy sleezebags.

Just to be extra hostile because everyone's definitely thinking it: fuck you, (to repeat) of course I'm not going to die. It's a little therapeutic to write it out: I'm not going to die. It feels a little more convincing than just chanting it to myself.

I have to travel 100km. To Wall Maria, it'll take at least one night. To Trost is another issue that I'll deal after proving I managed to live.

Um. I still have a few hours left. What to write now? Grisha Yeager defs has an ointment addiction? It takes up most of this place, jeez.

Am I meant to note down what I'm thinking in this tErRiFyiNg situation? Journaling is dumb.

Hm.

I want to dissect titans. Actually, I kinda do.

Is the weight of the titans common knowledge? Because they're light as heck. Once I cut off the leg, it was steaming before it disintegrated- that speed in which it disappeared makes me theorise whether titans are actually gaseous forms or not. Dr Yeager had a titan poster telling me that you had to cut 1m 10cm off the nape to kill it- maybe that's the source of its energy and the rest is just gas or some semi-empty matter held together by it?

I'm also thinking about stuff other than the science behind titans. Such as...

I hope Nerdy Puppy is proud of my amazing handwriting.

Also, I hope Baby Turd isn't going all revenge-horny and shouting about how he's 'definitely going to eradicate all titans'. I've mentioned this before, but I can so see it.

I also hope that Mika is still the amazing, brilliant, totally badass, cool twin sister I cherish and adore 3

(SHUT UP, BABY TURD, OF COURSE I LOVE MIKA. YES, WE CAN BE TWINS EVEN THOUGH SHE'S OLDER THAN ME. NO, I AIN'T A MIKASA POINT TWO.)

I also hope that Hannes gets his shit together. He owes me a fucking apology. I am so going to make him grovel at my feet.

Well. I have nothing left to say. I will depart soon, so...

Goodbye bitches and hello titans.

- Kira Rouge -

(Y845. M10. D11. T ≈ 1900)

Chapter 6: II. my paved road

Notes:

notes:
- sorry this was super late. i was/still am pretty pressed for time and mental capacity.
again, this is an escapism so it doesnt hurt for me to write; it relieves me of stress smt. just a heads up in case my writing is choppy/unsatisfying/too short/takes too long to update etc.

- blood red hurricane readers (if there are any here- ...sorry. i have zero inspiration for the newest chapter cuz i was just spamming new works. it's not on hiatus, and im gonna work on it next, but unless u want a shitty half-written chapter, im not gonna post.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 6

- my paved road -

(night 1; day 2)

I dragged my hand over my knee, getting rid of as much sweat as possible before I grabbed onto the candle lamp. I triple-checked that I had everything before I slowly creaked open the basement trapdoor, heart pounding.

It hadn't felt this real before and the eerie silence was almost enough to convince me that everything that happened in the past day was a fever dream.

I carefully stepped out, knees going all jelly, much to my annoyance, and I shakily set down the trapdoor. I immediately felt the urge to bolt back in.

It was dark. I couldn't see anything much. What if my lamp went out? The candle was pathetic at best and it wouldn't be a good idea to waste all my matches so soon.

Shivering in the chill of the night, I held the lamp in front of me, scanning the dimly lit street. I took a few steps forward before I felt my entire body lock up.

Get off your arse, woman.

I took another few brisk steps forward, my exhales and the crunches of the dirt beneath my feet sounding too loud.

As soon as I set a rhythm of one shaky step in front of another, I felt something under my foot give and I hurriedly oriented myself, lowering the lamp to see what had made me slip.

Blood.

It should have dried by now considering the temperature and the time that'd passed, but it was a large puddle of blood that was dry around the edges and some other areas. Some parts had been partially absorbed by the hard earth, and some parts had seeped between the cracks of the stone debris, painting it an ugly dark colour.

I removed my foot, making sure not to make a mess before I speedily manoeuvred around it, steadily ignoring how that was mostly likely Carla's blood.

My entire body flinched as a titan's foot came into view. I slowly lifted my arm higher, quelling the shaking of my limbs. Titans truly would look like humans if not for their unrealistic proportioning.

Seeing them as humans made me feel a little better; I could kill humans. Drunk humans in particular. If I saw these titans as drunk, fat humans who'd fallen asleep, my life would be so much easier.

I choked as I caught sight of the first corpse, mapping out the stages of decomposition. If I ever returned to Shiganshina, they wouldn't be here anymore.

Seeing dead bodies wasn't that hard, but it was rather the semi-familiar face that set me off.

This man had a disabled brother and an adopted son. That looked like the head and half-bitten torso of a little girl who loved to pick flowers and wave them in my face. That half-eaten body looks like one of Eren's neighbour nannies; so many of his neighbours had to keep him and his little trio in check.

I ate from cold prepared meals, and raided cupboards, carrying as much as I dared in woven baskets.

I was almost glad for how cold it was- even as I pulled on stolen coats- for I could deceive myself into thinking that I was shivering out of the night's chill, and not fear or bitter self-disgust.

After a few hours, I felt the natural decline of my bodily functions.

Practically put, I was meant to start sleeping ages ago, especially considering my injury. Adrenaline did wonders, but it could only for so long.

There was a constant fear in the unknown. I had 360 degrees of vulnerability. It was cold. It was dark. It was lonely. I was scared.

But I could move forward and I knew that I must be satisfied with that.

I flexed my numb fingers, moving each joint mechanically to make sure I wouldn't accidentally sprain one. I slowly set down the lamp, too aware of the slumbering titan about half a metre from where I was.

I didn't hesitate to roll over the Garrison soldier's body, forcing indifference at the bloodied lack of anything but a torso and one arm. I patted down his soiled clothes, pocketing knives and bandages, flinching at each rustle of his clothes.

I would've stolen the cape if it was still intact, and I made an offhand mental note to find one. I glanced around in whatever light I had, looking for a glint of the blades-

There.

The ultrahard steel used with the ODM gear. I had no use for the gas and whatnot since I didn't understand the functions behind it, but because this soldier had mostly not been able to fight at all, his blades would be at top condition. It was bulky, but bringing the entire box full of blades should be a good investment.

It became monotonous after I lost track of the seconds I was trying to count. My mind slowly faded away from the vivid adrenaline coursing throughout my body. My vision tinged grey. My breathing sounded distant. I didn't bat a lash at mutilated corpses. I didn't gag at the heavy stench of death.

I felt fear at this development, but even that was half-hearted. It was soothing to be away from it; like I was dozing, or asleep while I watched my body put one foot in front of the other.

My finger twitched as I observed a sleeping two metre titan in the room I stepped in. Below its feet were two bodies sprawled across the floor, headless with grotesque fleshy lumps which seemed to be remnants of brain matter littered around the floor.

My stomach turned over as I felt nausea rise for what felt like the hundredth time since I'd left the basement.

Two metre titan... I then realised that I could kill that titan right now. My adrenaline had not toned down as weary as I felt, and there was some sort of helpless within myself; an injured self-esteem which prompted endless thoughts of just stab that blade into my throat and at least I'll have an easier end-

Without thinking, I set down my bags.

I drew one of the steel blades, locking it into the handle that I'd severed from the ODM gear. In one fluid motion, I twisted and sliced clean through the titan's thin waist, feeling the skin easily give under the edge like a hot knife in butter.

...There was no regeneration. There was no scream or eyes rolling to meet mine before arms flailed in my direction. Just a little hiss of steam before the lower half began to crumble and disintegrate at half a snail's pace.

Despite the circumstance, I felt like this... was an opportunity. A big opportunity. My ex-classmates had always said that my morbid curiosity and repulsively dark humour shone at the most inappropriate times.

I was already close to Wall Maria, I'd already found my underground stay, I'd already restocked my candles, and food, and water...

I began to think that just maybe I wasn't so screwed. My finger twitched for better equipment than the outdated medical tools Grisha had. I wanted the fine metal tweezers and razor sharp scalpel- forceps, probes, scissors-

My finger twitched and it wasn't one from the numbness of cold, or the shuddering of fear- it was from something familiar: oozing curiosity to pick apart and examine. I was excited.

What was this compared to the compulsory camping I'd had to do? I may specialise primarily in book smarts, but that didn't mean I didn't know common survival skills- it'd been beaten into me enough by my hyperactive friends, overly expectant parents, and fitness-crazy school.

This was easy peasy so long as I kept my cool and abandoned my humanity and I even had the occasional entertainment of being able to dissect things things that could kill and maim and had no sentience without Mr Rosemary dead-dead-deaddeaddead-yelling at me to stop.

I could just do this; rinse and repeat, and I could survive.

(Maybe I wouldn't die.)

Page 1

Note to self (Y845, M10):

Day 1: Fall of Shiganshina/Wall Maria, Yeager's basement, limited supplies

Night 1: travel, find resources, loot bodies (destination: around Wall Maria by the river) walked up to around 4km away from Wall Maria/collected food, water, ultrahard steel blades, more clothing/dissected a two metre titan

Day 2: sleep/write in this dumb book- adrenaline may prevent good sleep however written/slept after difficulty- injury is healing well

Night 2: walk again, or depending on the situation, stay and acclimate/shower because I'm covered in shitty dirt and it's gross

Day 3: rest

Night 3: pass Wall Maria

Day 4:

Night 4:

Day 5:

Night 5:

Page: Night 1/Day 2

Candle lamps prove to be disappointing, but I'm not complaining.

I nearly slipped on Aunt Carla's blood. Baby Turd, I hope you didn't read that.

I lost track of time after counting down an hour; I was on autopilot half the time, and I feel like that was a no-go when there are human-eating titans around me, but I survived.

Judging from memory, I'm less than a few kilos from Maria. I'm by the river. Things should work out fine. Other than my mental health. Seeing titans and then dying is one thing, seeing dozens of titans then surviving is another. I obviously go by the latter and I don't know which one I'd prefer.

Onto my titan dissection and theories:

They, as studies proved, indeed do not have many organs. They have a stomach which is more like a little bag for their bolus. That being said, they seem to have salivary glands. Similarly, their olfactory system is similar to ours- their eyes seem to be the same as well.

They have brains that don't seem to have any problems. Their bone structure is similar, and their bodies are extremely close to humans save their lack of reproductive organs and the lower half of their digestive system.

To summarise:

Titans have: the integumentary, skeletal, muscular, nervous, cardiovascular, respiratory, and 1/2 the digestive systems.

Titans do not have: a consistent endocrinological function, or an immune/lymphatic system. More obviously, there's a lack of- again- 1/2 the digestive, urinary, and reproductive systems.

Breaking it down: the lack of an endocrine system explains their dumbness and their... lack of a lot of things. It generally enables six-ish things: metabolism (but titans don't eat humans to create energy), growth and development (which they lack), emotions (...), sexual functions (...), sleep (they only 'sleep when there isn't sunlight), and appetite (and titans seem always ready for a human snack).

Hormones seemed to have been swapped out for whatever causes them to regenerate. They only need physical capabilities to do what they generally do, and one simple- it would be easiest to say- 'order' or 'command'.

It isn't known if titans can fight off illnesses, but humans can't test it because themselves would be susceptible to it. However, if the technology allowed it, using vectors to try and contaminate them would be an interesting study- Similarly, if poison wasn't so scarce, it may be able to kill or paralyse a titan; in the end, they can't move if their muscles can't move.

Sure they could regenerate, but poison that can't be burnt out in the bloodstream needs an antidote to counter it, or an opening to remove it.

Excrements are as goes, if titans could reproduce humanity's super fucked etc. etc.

I didn't really figure anything monumental- writing it out makes me feel smart. Again, I'm six and pretty dang amazing. Nerdy Puppy, be proud of me.

Turns out after some stress relieving titan dissection, passing out falling asleep was pretty easy considering my body was badly deprived; as soon as my brain registered a secure place, I flopped and slept like a baby.

Is it weird that this supposed death thing isn't freaking me out? It's like a little excursion. But I also feel like I sometimes drift away from the real world and come back for the fun bits.

I have even less to say. Being underground is relaxing after walking amongst titans for hours?

Admire me and my balls of steel.

- Kira Rouge -

(Y845. M10. D12. T ≈ 0512)

Chapter 7: III. my paved road

Notes:

i've been getting surprisingly quite a few comments on this recently despite never updating at all. the reason why i stopped was mainly because i didn't know how to write 'good'. as in: i didn't know how to write it long/in detail.

but might as well just toss out a chapter and see how the reactions are. i figured that after a bit, kira would have even just a little bit of dissociation if not severely considering she's still a kid. it wouldn't make sense that she'd remember a lot of detail or even pay attention when it's mostly automatic by now. (obviously at first she had to forcefully ground herself to work it out, but after she develops a pace...)

if yall forgot stuff, me too. i couldn't even be bothered reading through all of it again, so it mighttt be bad, but this is abt as good as i can make it while i still am bothered hehe so enjoy :D

also updates (i wrote this in all my other recently updated fics but now here so):
1, chapters come late (and for this fic, it would be 'hardly ever') and shorter
2, i've stopped replying to comments mainly for no bigggg reason, but i still love them just as much. know that i'll read them and smile and if i reply and it's not very long or whatever, then know my heart and soul goes into each 'thanks for reading' or smiley face :D

once i hit a certain event, maybe i'll update more often. but anyway, pacing's gonna speed up considering i'm... lazy. :'0

N2D3 = night 2 day 3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 7

- my paved road -

(N2;D3|N3;D4|N4;D5)

I could smell my own stench of sweat and dirt. My feelings for the river was like Katniss to her mud in the Hunger Games. My self-preservation took a swan dive as I literally did the same into the body of blissful water.

It was fucking freezing though. Enough to wake me up from whatever half-dissociated haze I'd gotten into. There was nothing nice about that though; the haze was what I wanted.

The night passed swiftly, and my planned 'ten minute' splash seemed to be hours long as I awaited, in terror, of the sun to rise whenever I blinked.

The moon's shine was small and barely there, but it was enough to give the river and ominous look and in the silence of the night, I found it hard to focus on washing when I flinched at every single rustle or noise sounding- even if it was from myself.

There was a cellar I found, and I stole all that I needed, making sure I still had enough oil to burn the lamp. But now that I'd found the river, it'd be easy peasy.

Easy peasy...

Page 1

Note to self (Y845, M10):

Day 1: Fall of Shiganshina/Wall Maria, Yeager's basement, limited supplies

Night 1: travel, find resources, loot bodies (destination: around Wall Maria by the river) walked up to around 4km away from Wall Maria/collected food, water, ultrahard steel blades, more clothing/dissected a two metre titan

Day 2: sleep/write in this dumb book- adrenaline may prevent good sleep however written/slept after difficulty- injury is healing well

Night 2 and Day 3: walk again, or depending on the situation, stay and acclimate/shower because I'm covered in shitty dirt and it's gross washed myself in river, found wine cellar and storage area and restocked, no distance covered, rest

Day 3: rest

Night 3: pass Wall Maria

Day 4: what the fuck am I meant to do after that.

Night 4:

Day 5:

Night 5:

I couldn't find it within myself to write anything other than the bare minimum of dot points.

The night was a blur and I could tell even my almighty Box of Absolutely Nothing was straining at its corners. My Horrible Humour was a constant voice inside of my head, laughing at corpse positioning and whatnot- the stages of decomposition looking gross or whatever, but I found it hard to focus on its stupid voice when I was drugged up on adrenaline.

...That was something to write. I wrote that down.

Swan dove into cold fucking water. The river better be clean.

Eh, if something happened, or if I chopped up another titan, I forgot, so, sucks for you, imaginary reader. (Or whatever asshat is peaking at my shit. If so, GTFO, loser.)

The night was like mashed potatos.

The almighty Box of Absolutely Nothing is straining and eroding at its corners. The hinges are crying. Horrible Humour always has something to say, but I didn't listen so there's nothing to write. I do recall it commenting on a decapitated corpse landing with their ass up. Fucking sucks.

I'm high on adrenaline since I can't find anything better, so that's about it.

It was a page full of incoherent phrases. A chunk of it was filled in with profanities.

Well, here in the world of titans and corpses, there was plenty of room for screaming 'FUCK!' into the void. Don't tut at me.

But I didn't. Didn't scream 'fuck' into the void because I didn't really... feel like it?

But I didn't. Don't worry, imaginary reader or shitstain going through my stuff, cuz I didn't scream 'fuck' into the void. I guess I just couldn't gather the urge to.

It was like seeing all these half-eaten used-to-be-alive 'meat sacks' sprawled around me killed me a little as well. I was dead a little as well.

It was like seeing all these half-eaten used-to-be-alive 'meat sacks' sprawled around me killed me a little as well. I was dead a little as well.

It wasn't a world of titans and corpses and me, the amazing Kira Rouge and her balls of steel, it was just-

It was just titans and corpses.

Because I was just another corpse as well.

I snorted and my hand jerked, causing the full stop to look more like a... I don't know about similes anymore. It just looked like a random ass line on the page.

Peace out,

- Kira Rouge -

(Y845. M10. D13. T ≈ 1800)

There was nothing intense or climactic or amazing about reaching Wall Maria.

I'd put one foot in front of the other, and trudged until I saw it in the distance. Even then, I felt barely any grim satisfaction.

Page 1

Note to self (Y845, M10):

Day 1: Fall of Shiganshina/Wall Maria, Yeager's basement, limited supplies

Night 1: travel, find resources, loot bodies (destination: around Wall Maria by the river) walked up to around 4km away from Wall Maria/collected food, water, ultrahard steel blades, more clothing/dissected a two metre titan

Day 2: sleep/write in this dumb book- adrenaline may prevent good sleep however written/slept after difficulty- injury is healing well

Night 2 and Day 3: walk again, or depending on the situation, stay and acclimate/shower because I'm covered in shitty dirt and it's gross washed myself in river, found wine cellar and storage area and restocked, no distance covered

Day 3: rest

Night 3: pass Wall Maria Wall Maria reached

Day 4: what the fuck am I meant to do after that. restocked and grabbed more shit. there's a pocket watch here yesssss

Night 4:

Day 5:

Night 5:

I got to Wall Maria. I fucking told you all. I told you I could do it. Suck my dick.

There's fucking caffeine here. I've never been happier in my entire life. I mean, now I can actually drug myself up. Snort instant coffee powder, let's gooo.

In all seriousness, I'm feeling all my motivation starting to leave. I've got shit tons of food here, so I guess I could stay for a few more days... but as soon as I stop grinding forward, what'll happen? The marathon is 40km +. From here to Trost would be around... 70km? Considering possible detours or whatever, it'd be safer to extend that to 85km.

That's two fucking marathons. And I'm a kid. And I'm also counting the time because nothing around here is reliable. But I'm also amazing, so those first two points are cancelled out in face of my sheer awesomeness.

And the last point- the one that had been getting on my fucking nerves the whole time was cancelled out because I found a pocket watch. Didn't even know idiots around here had invented it. Saves me a lot of headaches too.

I'm not sure if I can get there alive.

(Y845. M10. D14. T = 1420)

When night time hit, I left on a full stomach and in near perfect condition. As perfect as I could get, I mean. My wounds were healing nice under my squinty suspicious stares despite my age. Six year olds would've burnt out ages ago even just under the stress.

After walking for an hour and encountering no establishments at all, I started to... feel a little more panic rise above my already highly intense stream of stress. What if sun rose and I found nowhere to hide?

Another hour passed and there were little barnyards every few kilometres and I quickly checked each of them. Most of them didn't have underground areas, and on the slight chance they did, the entrance was destroyed and the passage down was clogged with debris.

Each disappointment felt more and more like a gun pressed to the back of my head and I found myself running when I was halfway through the time I had. Surely the further in I got, the more houses there'd be. Surely.

It was too early to turn back- I didn't want to either. Going back would just put a pause on my advances. Turning back would mean admitting how scared I was. I was terrified.

Surely.

Surely, I wouldn't die here.

I'd gotten so far. I'd gotten my rhythm. I knew my pace. I'd charged at drunk people, a titan- I could do this. I could stay alive.

I could do it. I had to. Otherwise what was everything... worth? My scorn of Mr Basil would mean nothing if I ended up doing the same thing as he! What point was there in my Box of Absolutely Nothing if I ended up dying anyway? All I did to repress my emotions, everything I did to move forward- What was the point if I turned back?

What was the point if I died?

Either way, I have to move forward and take that chance.

I had to do it. I had to.

And so I doggedly continued, only to be met with nothing. Lands of grass- nature that was beautiful, but something I loathed to appreciate- met me. In the small illumination of the lamp, I could see nothing.

I... could see nothing.

It was 2:30am.

I was tired.

I was scared.

I stopped, turned, and ran back.

It was 3:00am.

Lungs heaving, satchel slapping against me, my hair sticking uncomfortably to my name and face, I ran. There was no thought process, nothing that screamed at me to stop and turn back around.

Every part of me wanted to escape.

And it was like that- blind sprinting then jogging then sprinting again until my muscles burnt. I had to light my lamp several times because they went out until I decided to just use the reference of the moonshine on the river to guide me back.

I put away my remaining matches, clipped the lamp to my bag and continued to run in the darkness.

It was 5:30am.

My mouth tasted sour and I wanted to throw up. I'd lost my balance on uneven footing too many times, but adrenaline and the ungodly amounts of coffee powder I'd inhaled kept me going.

My head spun and I panted for air like a dog, collapsing and crawling before getting up and running a formless run again. I was shameless and pathetic, and thought nothing of anything all the meantime.

My head was empty, much like my world.

Then my ankle caught in a ditch and I staggered into the edge of the river, twisting my foot for the second time before I felt a moment of airborne panic and splashed hard into the river.

I hauled myself up, wincing at the pain in my foot. I dumped my satchel onto the ground before I tried to heave myself up. The lamp cracked loudly and I grimaced and fell back into the river.

I tried again to pull myself up. Once. Twice. Then when I struggled for the third time, ignoring my aching ankle, I noticed that I could start to see again. I had taken too much time. The sun was going to rise soon.

With my heart pounding loudly, I quickly scanned the surroundings. Wall Maria was in sight, but far. I noticed far too many titans around me, and-

And not even a meter away from where I'd dumped my belongings, lying flat on the floor next to the ditch I'd tripped on, with its head faced into the dirt, was a titan.

I let out a shaky exhale.

Dirt clouded in the air as his head abruptly turned.

Its eyes were staring right at me.

Notes:

ehehe yall know that overconsumption of coffee can make u anxious? kira is six.

sorry it's short and maybe it's boring or inaccurate buuuut thanks for reading 33 XD

also i barely proofread so if u stumble on a grammar/spelling mistake, feel free to enlighten me or just pretend it doesn't exist hahhasejlnskj

Chapter 8: IV. my paved road

Notes:

hello, i have nothing to say on my extended abandonment of ao3. it's been over a year i think. in fact i'm kinda exhausted and have zero clue on how i just randomly wrote this.

anyhow, it's unproofread so do me a favour and comment if u see any errors :)) (spelling errors in kira's 'journals' or wtv they are doesn't matter)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 8

- my paved road -

(day 5-)

-D15: 0531-

There was about half a second's pause after its eyes met mine before I saw its muscles tensing to move. I inhaled sharply and threw myself back underwater, glad, for once, that I had about as much fat on me as a snake as I sank quick, heavy clothes coming to my aid.

I didn't think titans could mimic human movements but I kept my actions minimal and slow just in case.

Despite my strangely calm thought processes, my body was still in a state of shock. My heart was racing- I could hear it beating loudly and quickly in my head. I already felt out of breath when I hit the bottom and held onto a protruding rock.

The sun hasn't really begun to rise yet, so how could it move? How was it awake? It was autumn- I always had about half an hour's time of fail-safe if I fucked up like I did today.

Then a loud splash made my entire body flinch as the titan threw itself onto the water. Bubbles escaped my mouth as I let out a little scared noise, involuntary- Could it swim?

Would it sink?

No. The titan's density would make it- long explanation told short- an inflatable toy. Even though this was freshwater, it should not be able to get to the bottom.

Its struggling stopped abruptly and I opened my eyes blearily as it slowly floated to the river's movement. It turned, flipping so that it was stomach down. Its eyes scanned the river floor before it caught my eyes again.

It grinned at me.

Terror.

I'd never felt so terrified before- Not even during that first night. Not even when running from the hands of that smiling titan.

My heart thudded loudly and my body began to shake. A few more bubbles escaped and I felt a tight pressure on my chest and my throat, squeezing my head as black spots threatened my consciousness.

It was freezing. Sound was warped. I couldn't move properly. I couldn't breathe.

That grin, devoid of consciousness, but crazed and hungry in a way that resembled some feral animal.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I couldn't hear. It was cold.

My eyes closed instinctively when it began to flail on the water surface again, causing ripples.

It was going to draw more titans here.

It was cold. I couldn't move. I couldn't hear. I couldn't see. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even scream.

I was going to die.

I was going to die after everything. I was going to die after living again.

I was only six. I'd only been here for a while.

I had people, for once. I thought-

I thought I could do this. I thought I could live.

I-

I felt panic consume me.

If one of those bigger titans came, their arms would be long enough to just pluck me straight out of the water. Or before that, I'd run out of air and drift right into the hands of that titan.

Or I'd kill myself right here and now.

I always kept weapons on me- I had so many that I could afford to have them everywhere. I'd make it quick. I'd make it painless.

Oblivion would work. There was no fear in oblivion. My pain would be short in comparison to-

"You don't have a dream or anything?"

"Survival, of course. But you care most for survival in the worst situations you're in." I heard my own voice replying. "Lives are fleeting. My death will just be another number. As of right now, our lives are already naught."

I closed my eyes.

"I want to survive, but more than that, I don't want to lose my will to survive. This world is stupid, ridiculous, ironic. I see this life of mine as another piece of satire. I want to join the Survey Corps and touch with death."

My life was every parts of absurd.

I'd lived boringly. I was killed brutally. And I lived again.

And in this world of all.

And in this world I was similarly unwanted.

Some nobles would think my existence- a blend of two minorities they didn't want- was an absolute sin in itself. I didn't give a shit about their opinion. Some people would think my existence as an annoyance- 'that one brat to look out for if you're going drinking'. Obviously the words of those didn't really matter, but then who's words did?

If I lost strength within myself, who would I keep living for?

Carla was dead. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin thought I was dead. I killed Mr Basil.

I felt so alone. I felt scared. I'd stared into the landscape of emptiness and felt both awe and terror. It felt like I was the only one in the world existing. No one would celebrate or mourn if I died.

No one would know. No one would care.

That's probably why I wrote down those things.

Because I hoped that maybe- maybe some compassionate man or woman or child would pick it up, read it, and cry for me. For the me who couldn't.

I knew that if I allowed myself even that little bit of slack, I'd collapse and never get up. I'd cry and cry until exhaustion, and then wake up to cry some more.

Without worth, without a name, without a dream, without an ambition- what was my life?

Why did I live?

Was there really any reason why I pushed on? Other than 'spite'? Or was that a good enough of a reason?

...Couldn't I be allowed to want to live just because? Couldn't I just live to find that whatever the hell? That's what I'd said, proclaimed, and believed, but I didn't think life would make it so hard for me, so painful.

I didn't need anyone's approval of my 'official reason to live' or whatever, and no one certainly cared about it, but... why did I always need one?

Maybe this fear that I felt was what kept me alive. And the shame- distant from fight-flight-freeze- but not entirely absent. If it was going to be inevitable, might as well do something with this death of mine.

I didn't want to live like a nobody. I didn't want to die like a nobody. I wanted love. I wanted meaning. I yearned to feel the burning passion of wanting to desperately live for the sake of something.

Shame, spite, fear.

Oh, how laughable. Cowardly, even. All that thinking and panicking, only to end up on square one again: I just didn't want to die at all.

I wasn't going to die. Fuck this, fuck that.

I say it every time, and no matter what tries to drag me into this existential cycle of angst, that really was the only answer.

I hate this, so fuck it, I'm going to live. I'm going to struggle.

And if I die right here, right now, then so be it because at least I felt fear.

At least there was this evidence that I wanted to continue.

The black spots meshed with incessant ringing and bits of my vision gave way to darkness, but I could move, I could see, I could think.

And that was enough.

All hail the Box of Absolutely Nothing.

Now, think.

I kicked off the river ground and headed to surface a meter from the titan that was still motionless. There wasn't that much sun at all, so it figures that it can't move a great deal.

I took a gasp of breath and quickly glanced around, confirming that, though stirring, no titans were all that active yet.

Sunrise was just around the corner, however, so I had to form a plan quickly. If it wasn't for my ankle... I would've just sprinted out of there, but swimming looked like my best bet right now and to do that, I'd need to get rid of this one titan who'd already seen me.

I grabbed my satchel and went underwater again, letting it fill so it would sink with me. I'd had the brains to put everything in jars, so the water shouldn't do much damage.

Here was the tricky bit: I cautiously waded towards the titan, forcing myself to relax at its unnerving stare and used both hands to grasp onto its hair and swam downwards with it. It was dark, but I used this darkness to reassure me.

With the titan's body floating up, anchored only by my grasp, I twisted my good foot between the river edge and a rock, losing some air as I found a suitable position to ensure I didn't float back up. From there, I shifted into a one-handed grasp and used my right hand to fumble for the blade, hissing in annoyance as I gripped too hard and felt it pierce through a layer of wrapping.

Due to its length, I'd ended up breaking the blade into several pieces and wrapped them in lots of bandages as a makeshift handle. Didn't do much protection, I suppose.

I prodded the titan's head with the blade, trying to figure out where the back of the head was so I could cut out its nape. I could afford to do this slowly: they couldn't regenerate in this darkness.

I dismembered its shoulder first to confirm and then decided it was probably safer to cut off its face as well before decapitating it right about the collar and then again under its chin. I didn't bother waiting around to run out of air as I then swam to the surface, confirming its disintegration before I started to swim near the surface, eyeing the titans around me.

It was still dark and only the moonlight and the edges of dawn's rays giving visibility.

Perhaps it was safe to walk for a bit? But my ankle... I didn't want to permanently fuck it up and the adrenaline took away the pain, so I couldn't assess how bad it was. The shit lighting didn't help.

I sighed and kept swimming, feeling anxious at my slow pace. I could definitely walk a lot faster, and the satchel and my clothes were weighing me down, but I couldn't confirm there being good medicine at Wall Maria, and I needed it after splashing my injuries in this river.

It'd also be cold after my adrenaline dies off, so I needed some insulation. Although wet clothes won't do me any favours... Luckily Ackerman genes solo-ed even when I had one useless ankle, so I was still nearing Wall Maria at a steady pace.

After a few minutes, I decided my ankle had had enough rest so, surveying my surroundings, I hauled myself up and tested my ankle a bit.

...It didn't past the test.

It was probably sprained. And not the type of sprain I could walk off. Well, I'll have time to rest later.

I gingerly limped a few steps, cringing at my progression. Should I just sprint? I hopped for a bit as well, cringing even more. Oh Madara's hair stylist, now I wanted to look around for any people judging me.

I stubbornly ignored how bad of a situation I was in as I slid back into the water, swimming once again.

It was fine, I told myself, because Wall Maria was very close and I'd already dissec- ahem, killed all the titans around the base I'd located.

I'd been swimming for about five minutes when a titan noticed me. The easy solution was to dive all the way to the bottom until it gave up.

It didn't give up.

Stupid fucking starving mongrels. They really wanted to have a piece of me.

When I ran out of air, I begrudgingly surfaced and took a gasp of air before plunging myself back down and swimming near the bottom of the river. Luckily, although weak, the current was on my side and I got a fair bit ahead before I surfaced again, looking back to see the titan staring at the river despondently.

Yeah, suck on that, ugly.

Then there was darkness. A meaty hand plucked me out of the river and I quickly grabbed at the blade, luckily getting the right side before I hacked behind me until its grasp loosened and I fell onto-

God fucking damnit-

I fell onto the bank of the river before rolling into the water, not giving myself the time to groan in pain as I felt my other ankle throb at the impact. It was my fault for getting too fixated on that titan. Luckily the one that got me was stupid.

With this and a few other stuff ups, I managed to hobble into the base underground and collapse. I didn't move for a long time.

I well and truly felt dead.

Page 1

Note to self (Y845, M10):

Day 1: Fall of Shiganshina/Wall Maria, Yeager's basement, limited supplies

Night 1: travel, find resources, loot bodies (destination: around Wall Maria by the river) walked up to around 4km away from Wall Maria/collected food, water, ultrahard steel blades, more clothing/dissected a two metre titan

Day 2: sleep/write in this dumb book- adrenaline may prevent good sleep however written/slept after difficulty- injury is healing well

Night 2 and Day 3: walk again, or depending on the situation, stay and acclimate/shower because I'm covered in shitty dirt and it's gross washed myself in river, found wine cellar and storage area and restocked, no distance covered

Day 3: rest

Night 3: pass Wall Maria Wall Maria reached

Day 4: what the fuck am I meant to do after that. restocked and grabbed more shit. there's a pocket watch here yesssss

Night 4: there was nothing

Day 5: haha stupid me

Night 5: didn't reallyyy feel like moving

Page: Post-whatever-the-fuck-that-was

It's the sixth day and I remembered to write because stress relief or whatever, but I kinda can't be bothered.

There was nothing past Wall Maria. Nothing. Got desperate and ran too far. Sprinted back but hurt ankle. Fell into water. Titan saw me. Uh. Killed it under water. Swam a bit. Got attacked by titans :( Miraculously survived each encounter.

Realised they're kinda goof balls. Can't swim but try to when they're motivated. Either I'm OP or adrenaline's my guy because I really got through that.

- ran out of matches

- found change of clothes not my size and theyre ugly

- at leest theyre comfortabl

- did salve

- found maches

- readress woonds

- found food, water

Note: need to plan

- cleened and orgnised evrything

- Kira Rouge -

(Y845. M10. D16. T ≈ 0900)

Page 1

Note to self (Y845, M10):

Day 1: Fall of Shiganshina/Wall Maria, Yeager's basement, limited supplies

Night 1: travel, find resources, loot bodies (destination: around Wall Maria by the river) walked up to around 4km away from Wall Maria/collected food, water, ultrahard steel blades, more clothing/dissected a two metre titan

Day 2: sleep/write in this dumb book- adrenaline may prevent good sleep however written/slept after difficulty- injury is healing well

Night 2 and Day 3: walk again, or depending on the situation, stay and acclimate/shower because I'm covered in shitty dirt and it's gross washed myself in river, found wine cellar and storage area and restocked, no distance covered

Day 3: rest

Night 3: pass Wall Maria Wall Maria reached

Day 4: what the fuck am I meant to do after that. restocked and grabbed more shit. there's a pocket watch here yesssss

Night 4: there was nothing

Day 5: haha stupid me

Night 5: didnt reallyyy feel like movng

Day 6: + D7 + D8

Night 6:

Page 1

Note to self (Y845, M10):

Day 1: Fall of Shiganshina/Wall Maria, Yeager's basement, limited supplies

Night 1: travel, find resources, loot bodies (destination: around Wall Maria by the river) walked up to around 4km away from Wall Maria/collected food, water, ultrahard steel blades, more clothing/dissected a two metre titan

Day 2: sleep/write in this dumb book- adrenaline may prevent good sleep however written/slept after difficulty- injury is healing well

Night 2 and Day 3: walk again, or depending on the situation, stay and acclimate/shower because I'm covered in shitty dirt and it's gross washed myself in river, found wine cellar and storage area and restocked, no distance covered

Day 3: rest

Night 3: pass Wall Maria Wall Maria reached

Day 4: what the fuck am I meant to do after that. restocked and grabbed more shit. there's a pocket watch here yesssss

Night 4: there was nothing

Day 5: haha stupid me

Night 5: didnt reallyyy feel like movng

Day 6: + D7 + D8

Night 6:

Day 21: all healed

Y845, M11:

D7: shuld probly rest

D10: k inda tired stil.

D11: I think

D15: .

D22: its Novmber now. injurys healed

Page 1

Y845, M11:

D25: no food. ish.

I sat in front of the storage room, contemplative. There was still food technically, but it was shitty tasting rations. That was not food to me.

Throughout my little... 'break', I didn't really... do much. It was as I predicted: there was a stop in motivation. There was nothing productive going on other than the bare minimum and I didn't even know how I managed to waste so much time. To be honest though, this might be better than returning to Wall Rose and getting a few scrapes of food assigned to refugees.

I didn't even cry or anything. It was just sort of. Days. Hours go by. Then it's days.

It was a bit into November, so I should probably move.

Probably.

Notes:

also idk if i should've put a TW for that brief suicidal contemplation ..? cuz like it's aot i don't think it's anything new :0

omg there's probably sm logistical errors jaskngkjbsakgbk i had to keep changing what happened because i kept accidentally getting kira killed each time ! anyway i literally rewatched an episode to figure out if the river had a current

anyway this update came outta nowhere tbh idk idk but i hope this was alright ! i still got comments on this so i was surprised.

edit: found sm 'she's instead of 'I's oops hahahsh anyway thanks for the support :'D

Chapter 9: V. my paved road

Notes:

me: hmm it seems a little dry..

me: let's just add in a few paragraphs of existential angst so it looks like i wrote more.

me: *looks at u* i know ur lazy bitchass will skip it for the action. ngl, i respect that. i would do the same.

edit: you lucky bastards. i ended up condensing two chapters into this one chapter so it's pretty long considering i'm busy as fuck and had just came back from a 'hiatus' of a year.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 9

- my paved road -

(night 26)

D26: Cuz rations taste like shit. That's why.

I'm aware this is a stupid idea. Someone should use this diary as something to analyse in a psychology class: 'when someone knows it's stupid but still does it'.

I was not injured.

That was all I could say about myself, to justify why I was heading out.

Perhaps also that I'd reorganised my things and swapped out the damaged blades for newer ones.

The food could have generously supplied me for a week, but when I came back, I did not eat. I knew it would've gone to waste if I ate as much as I should and the stench of vomit has always disgusted me. I'd waited for my stomach to settle. It never settled.

So I ate meagrely.

Honestly, I could say that the bland taste of rations was what motivated me to go. I ate a bit of that shit and got grossed out instantly. I'd written so in that book. It was less my journal now; it had more notes on titan anatomy and theories about it. I'd jotted down vague notes of what I knew from canon, leaving it just scarce enough that I could claim it was mere speculation.

What could they do anyway? Interrogate me about it? It felt like nothing could compare to this... journey. It felt like nothing could truly shake me as much as this has.

Or perhaps that was just my mentality now.

I'd expected to break down when I got back. I'd even expected nightmares. There wasn't really that. Night terrors, cold sweats, but I was glad to say I hadn't seen titans in my sleep.

Not that it could make it more restless than it already was. It was just... a constant haze the entire time. Like when it was vacations (and didn't that feel so detached from my life here?) and I didn't want to be productive, so I slept, woke up naturally, slept some more, and slept even when I knew it was better to wake up and my head felt heavy with oversleep.

I was not well rested. I was not well fed.

But the rations tasted like shit, so I was going to head out and not look back.

If I died-

If I died...

Well even now, I couldn't think past that: I did not have any intention of dying.

I had been thinking about this whole thing wrong: I shouldn't have looked for establishing a base. It wasted time and energy.

I'd only done so at first to let myself grab resources and rest, and also to continue in my routine, I suppose. I guess I might've been dillydallying because I also didn't really want to go inside the walls again. Not where it was overcrowded and our assigned meals were meagre and the atmosphere was hostile.

Anyway, if I went in a straight line, from Wall Maria to Trost, it was 70 kilometres. I could get there in one night.

Daylight at the absolute earliest breaks at six in the morning. Most of the time, the sun didn't rise until seven. The pocket watch had broken, I assume, which is what led to the time management problem... last time. I shouldn't've trusted so easily.

If the average walking pace was five kilometres per hour, it would take me roughly fourteen hours to arrive. If I was running and walking in intervals, it would take much less.

When the pink in the sky faded to dark purple, I counted down an hour.

Then, I ran.

Indeed, I was very stupid.

After I slowed down to a light jog, panting at the exertion of sprinting for a good while, I'd realised it was quite bright. Brighter than I expected. Since I crammed myself instead Wall Maria's base for a while, I hadn't been able to tell how dark night was meant to be, but now I realised the moonlight had cast a light layer of visibility over everything.

I realised because a titan was crawling towards me.

It was a full moon.

I cursed and slid into the water- my immediate reaction- shuddering at the coldness. There was a pointed lack of adrenaline, perhaps because I'd dealt with so many titans at this point that I was used to it. Well, my heart still thudded and my muscles still tensed with energy, but it wasn't all-encompassing, like I'd been pumped with enough energy to keep the corners of the universe from collapsing.

I swam forward a bit, fighting the current with more trouble than I expected. I coughed out all my air when I narrowly dodged its arm plunging into the water and I quickly resurfaced and threw myself onto land.

I backed away, eyeing it as the rest of its body toppled into the river from the movement.

An abnormal titan.

Big.

And knew what water was like for their low density bodies.

But compromised.

Should I run?

Yes, it was too dangerous.

I slowly transitioned into a run, keeping my head sideways to watch it.

It was watching me back, but didn't move.

It was cold. Very cold.

I blamed my lack of sleep and foggy brain- I was stupid to jump into the water at night. I didn't even have that much nervousness to help ignore it. It was full-on teeth-chattering, skin prickling coldness. It was frigid even as I ran.

I had no indication of how far I was, but whenever I looked back to check, the titan was still there, slowly following me from a distance after climbing back onto land. Creepy.

'Stalkerish,' I thought, and was reminded of my previous life and my previous death.

I looked back again and swore when it bounded towards me like an eager puppy.

I sprawled myself across the disintegrating titan corpse, letting the little hisses of steam warm me up. Perhaps I should set a house on fire.

I sat up. Wait. I could.

I squinted at Trost in the distance and then gauged how much time I had. I definitely had enough to rest a bit.

With that, I grabbed whatever bottled spirits and oil I could find, hurling it onto the wooden floorboards. My hands shook as I struck the match. It snapped. I swore. Two more snapped before I got my fire.

As I squatted besides the blazing heat, waiting for my clothes to dry, I wrote into the notebook: I disrespected the dead.

I stared at it for a bit, wondering why suddenly it felt like there was nothing within me. I felt... bland. I felt- cringe-worthily enough: empty. Well, not really empty. I just felt rather... lacking. Like there was something more to be felt- something more to be said.

I jerked when something crashed within the house and stood up abruptly. I felt my head spin and my vision darken with spots. Low blood iron? Haven't felt that in a long while. I tottered further away from the fire and lowered myself to try ward off the potential fainting before I-

I woke up to the first rays of dawn peeking past a titan's face, staring at me, and cussed myself three generations back. I closed my eyes instantly, hoping it thought I was dead or something, but I had probably twitched already.

Well, when I felt its heavy breath against me, I definitely twitched again.

I groaned loudly and threw myself away, trying to dodge the inevitable grab, chanting profanities in my head as my vision turned again, blackened with unappreciated stars, and the world shifted sideways.

See, this was why one needed to be well-slept and well-fed before doing risky things to... minimise the risk.

I hadn't experienced these symptoms since ages. Since I'd first entered this body, and before that, probably my underfed primary school days, or exercise sessions after all-nighters in high school.

I stumbled away despite my spotty vision and blinked rapidly to try find my satchel. It had the blades, and I most definitely could not outrun this titan. I just needed to kill it.

Its finger and thumb pinched around the end of my skirt and I felt a stab of relief, instantly ripping that material from me with a harsh slash of a knife. I tucked into a ball to roll off the impact, but it jarred my head and it's definitely those disgusting fucking rations that got me in this position-

I was further away from the satchel and the blades now, god damn it.

As soon as I felt its hand brush against me, I curled tightly in my position, by instinct or otherwise- I just didn't want to get slowly gnawed on before my death. I angled my knife towards a finger joint in front of me, but paused. Chances are the skin won't break when I have little momentum and a lack of ultrahard steel.

At worst it'd just tighten its grasp and crush me to death. That was not a better alternative.

I felt my stomach drop as I was raised in the air- The ground was no longer there, and I felt the movements of the titan, the tensing of its muscles, the twitches of its tendons.

I felt the heat of its breath.

Then that cool rush of the breeze as it dropped me into its gaping mouth.

The revolting slickness of its tongue.

I stabbed at it.

The blade rolled off.

I fell.

I pressed the knife's tip into the surface of its throat as I continued falling, feeling grim satisfaction as it cut through, leaving a trail of hissing steam before the knife broke and I fell again, frowning in displeasure.

Then I plunged into water- No, acid. Stomach acid.

Shit, my eyes-

It was hot. Hotter than humans, but not more than hot springs. Roughly 40 to 45 degrees. My skin was prickling with discomfort from the sudden change in temperature, but I ignored it and concentrated on slowly opening my eyes while treading, praying my eyes hadn't been damaged.

I couldn't tell right now anyway with all the steam. Looking around, I saw that there were other corpses, skin intact. So, titans had a higher stomach acid pH than humans.

That was good news for me. I wasn't in immediate threat. It must've been terrible for all those soldiers swallowed alive, whole, or at least mostly whole, I mused, because they would've lived out their last moments before inevitable death in panic and terror.

I still waited for some of that. Some of those feelings. Sure I was (extremely disgusted) disturbed and quite concerned about my situation, but there wasn't any sort of... horror or fear I expected.

Death felt like a strange concept now. I felt intimate with it. It had already claimed me.

It tried to, a lot. Wasn't it strange if I kept feeling the same thing, only to elude death yet again?

I'd told Petra I wanted to touch with death, yet I was in its embrace, and death was in mine.

My life really did feel worthless in the face of this universe. My life really did feel like a piece of satire, like it was some word or figure or sight to be laughed at, entertained with.

My life really meant nothing, so it had made sense to tell Petra that I was just another body. It had made sense when I'd trekked through the dead and the ruin, desecrating remains, to label myself as just another corpse amongst the others.

Because I was one.

I'd died. I'd 'existed' as a liveless entity for who knows how many years, and then I'd entered the body of a dead child.

I'd died in Shiganshina, when Carla's body hung above me and that grotesque titan leered over me.

I'd died, after walking and moving, when fatal daylight shone over me.

I'd died. Countless times.

I was home amongst the deceased bodies- the mangled bodies, mutilated and mauled, because I was just another corpse.

Or maybe I was being melodramatic and it was only the drowsiness I was feeling. It was at odds with the adrenaline in my system.

Perhaps I didn't think I was going to die.

There was a very existing probability that I would die, however.

I frowned at that thought and grabbed at a decapitated head, inspecting its eyes. Indeed, its stomach acid wasn't as strong as ours. There wasn't a real need to quickly digest humans after all.

I had a bit of time to move, but due to the heat and my already subpar health, I should limit this to fifteen minutes at maximum before the heat gets to me.

Then I paused. This corpse... was fresh. It hadn't begun decomposing yet.

I grabbed at another head, this one attached to a torso, which was also fresh. A soldier of the Survey Corps, by its uniform.

That meant that there were people and horses outside. I just needed to get outside. How would I do that? Make it throw up? It'd be easier to slice open the stomach.

I swam towards the edge of the stomach and grimaced as I prodded onto it. There was not much of a mucus layer, another point in my favour. I grimaced again as I clumsily reached to grab at the knife in my boot.

For the next half a minute I tried puncturing a hole into its stomach wall and failing. The best I could do was stick it in hilt deep, but even then, it would regenerate too fast for me to make a deeper cut. It was far too small of a weapon. Not only did I have no strength and no stable footing, I also needed ultrahard steel and I did not have it.

It's been about two minutes. I was running out of time. I was getting fatigued from treading so much. I considered my options and began to approach the floating corpses again, grabbing for their arms and hands, seeing if they held onto any swords. But swords were heavy, so... they would sink.

After half a minute of contemplating my options, I realised I only had one, so I took a deep breath-

'Oh Walls.' I thought to myself with a wince.

-Before I closed my eyes and dove for the bottom of its stomach.

I resurfaced for the second time with a building sense of frustration. I breathed, contemplated my options, and dove for the third time.

I aimed for the centre of its stomach again, and this time, I didn't react at the mass of decomposing severed heads and threw them to the side, patting down the floor for the blades.

On the fourth try, I obtained a blade, as well as a cut on my palm. At least it meant it was sharp.

But I was also feeling lightheaded and nauseous. I could only pray that this blade would work.

It sunk easily into the titan's flesh. I felt my eyes widen with surprise. It made sense that this one would be sharper: the blades of the Survey Corps soldiers would be better than that of the old blades I retrieved and reused.

I pierced deeper and pushed it all the way. I leaned against the handle and exhaled. Inhaled shallowly. Exhaled. My face burnt and my head throbbed. I inhaled. Exhaled. And pushed down.

The opening closed, as expected, but the regeneration was not instantaneous.

I breathed.

I withdrew the blade, pierced the wall lower than before- just underneath the surface of the liquid, then rotated the blade back and forth until chunks of flesh were forced out.

I pushed further until its steaming flesh pressed around the handle, my hand, then half my arm. It burnt. I blocked it out. I rotated the blade again, forced it down, switched to a reverse grip and forced it down more.

Then I braced myself against the wall and pulled the blade sharply towards me, resulting in an opening cut of about 70 centimetres. The acid began to gush out, delaying, hopefully, the rate of regeneration.

Then I quickly stuck the blade into the titan's flesh to the left above my head in cased this first attempt failed and I pushed my arms into the middle of the rapidly healing flesh. I dug my fingers into its soft inner flesh and dragged my self forward.

And like that-

Like that, I crawled out of hell.

Notes:

okay even *i* have to admit it's getting plain ridiculous now. like kira's lowkey kinda op. uh. it's for plot's sake?

minor spoiler alert: if it ever gets brought up, or if i get that far into the series, i'm gonna say it's cuz ymir favoured her somehow and some stupid paths thing allowed her to survive

anyway be glad i didn't extend this for longer (originally the entire kira-getting-out-of-titan part was meant to be a whole nother chapter but i condensed it and put it here instead)

anyway dw after this plot actually moves along

Chapter 10: -

Notes:

pov: the a/n is longer than the chapter.

[a/n is written after i finished this chapter]

so. long a/n incoming. okay good news is that yall have about 3 chapters worth of stuff pre-written which is a lot for ME.

uh. now change topic: i've made 'controversial' decisions/plans as an author before and it's always sucked when ppl don't see it the way i see it cuz my brain is just a goofy funky little guy sometimes. yes, this means that i may have made a controversial decision this time.

(anyone who reads hanakotoba or even magnetic would know. bad response was the main reason why i put it on hiatus and it sorta ricocheted off all the other fics. i just get frustrated super easily and the plans i had for that fic were pretty out there, so i guess i let the haters win T^T im jk no one was really hating on me. just unnecessary comments. in fact, i'm pretty sure it was just a few comments. a few of them got deleted pre quick too.)

oh btw this isn't a threat. or guilt tripping. this is just me being insecure. it's like a signature move for me to abuse the a/n section. okay maybe it is guilt tripping.

so i've taken my precious time to write ahead a good few thousands of words (at least 10k) for the people who stay in case the same thing happens, so i can roll over it quickly. hopefully. however, there was thankfully no (bad) reaction to kira being slightly op, so i think i'm just being paranoid and overly sensitive. everyone here has been nice :D in the end i just think a self-insert is a self-insert. so i write what happens, not what people want.

btw the dashes in the title spell for 'disconnect'. it's like a line break. (it'll make sense later. or it won't hahahshah)

also, question: when do u think the main trio should find out about her?

in case people don't see this or forget, it'll be at the end note as well. :D

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 10

My eyes were closed when I pulled myself through, but the cool breeze on my skin told me I was out. Out of the titan. The lower half of my body slipped out as I fell towards the floor.

I only barely remembered to fall properly to minimise damage, but the surface wasn't flat when I landed and there was a very concerning streak of wetness that slid down the side of my face. I braced myself for the pain to hit, but then remembered how much of a pro I was at blocking that out.

Although, pain or no pain, I knew I was in a terrible condition to face the titan.

I slowly got onto all fours, wilfully ignoring the violent tremors, then sat up, then tried to get up onto one knee. I failed.

I tried again.

I failed.

I heaved a breath, tired from the effort alone. I slowly opened my eyes, blinking rapidly when they watered in a stinging sensation. I stared up at the titan, surprised when it didn't move.

I was getting so lucky with these abnormal titans.

It caressed its stomach and then leaned forward. It wasn't smiling. It knelt down in front of me and I cautiously scooted back with whatever coordination I had.

"...Lah- ...Ah-lah."

I blinked again. Did the titan just-

I need to write more about abnormal titans. Maybe it was due to a minimised dosage, so more human qualities or memories were retained? Perhaps a malfunction within the titan nervous system, allowing more human influence?

"Love," It said, like a titan. A distorted sound, but oh... if it wasn't so sincere- "Ah love you."

A shudder ran up my spine and I huffed a breathless chuckle.

What irony.

Having survived under the excuse of wanting to love, be loved and feel love for something, anything, anyone- it was bitterly laughable to hear such heartfelt, soulful words from a titan, of all things.

Of course I'd said it before in banter. I'd said it with enough tone to be casual and flippant.

"Obviously I love Mika."

"I delivered the punch with sisterly love."

"Just remember I love you, Nerdy Puppy."

I remembered saying those sorts of things, but the images of those faces made my heart lurch. I hadn't thought of my memories, or the faces or voices within them for a while.

It hurt too much and I despised the feeling, so I focused on the titan. The titan who was caressing its stomach still.

It didn't surprise me that pregnant women weren't exempt from titanification.

'I'm sorry.' I think, customary more than anything else. And then I mouth the words because I could not speak. Have not spoken. Will not speak.

Even cursing was done inaudibly, mouthed or merely in my head. Sounds of exclamation have long since been stifled after I realised my remoteness- The futility of making noise when there was no one to listen.

For a long while now I've only heard the sounds of nature. The tread of titans.

I remembered trying to speak to myself before, but in nature, it sounded unbearably small, drowned in the overwhelming emptiness of the land and in Wall Maria, my voice's echoes had unnerved me. It didn't sound like me. I hadn't really known who I was.

I'd felt like a spirit- a ghost. It wasn't the first time I'd been one, having lingered neither there nor here with the girl who liked sand.

And ghosts don't speak. Passing days silently just made most sense as well. It was most comforting.

Its hand reached towards me, and I prepared myself to somehow roll my way out of this mess. At this point, what even was a headache? It was a state of being.

But then something flicked past me, wind snapping my hair and in less than a few seconds, the titan was down and disintegrating. I blinked, not comprehending what happened.

There was something else there, moving. Too small to be a titan.

Humanoid.

No, no, it was a- It was-

And there was a gargle of noises- A voice. Voices.

Voices meaning- People.

People.

I didn't dare look further up. The grass. I stared at the grass.

People. I think.

'People,' I think again. And wait for something like a good emotion like relief or- or something-

But-

But I could not ignore-

P eo pl e.

A thrum of fear seized me, greater than when I faced even the mouth of a titan bearing down on me. I felt it flood, cold and heavy in my stomach, bursting through my limbs.

People. There were people there- And-

What was- Why was I-

No, the titan. First, I needed to-

The titan.

I should-

I should focus on the titan.

No, the titan was dead already. Gone. The titan that told me it loved me. Or perhaps, a shadow of me, a semblance. It was gone.

And its remover took a step towards me, like a human. There were two legs and they bent at the knees, like a human.

Human, but living. With arms and legs. A head. It had a face-

There were more sounds shaped like a human. It was fast and had tones. It had inflections. It was loud against the distant breeze and the rustling of leaves and the hissing of the titan who told me it loved me disintegrating.

It was loud. The noises which were meant to mean something.

I grasped a word-

"-titan-"

And heard it through a muffled filter of my ears ringing.

Why were my ears ringing? It made things difficult. Caused disorientation.

'Heard', implying there was something to listen to.

Perhaps I had a concussion? I knew I'd hit it pretty bad.

Voices.

That wasn't very good.

Voices meaning people.

Alive people.

I felt sick.

Living people. Which meant they had most, if not all of their body intact. Which meant they breathed. Which meant they talked. Which meant they see and hear and feel-

I turned towards the other voices and the other living people.

Something screamed in me not to-

But I looked up.

They were looking at me.

My anxiety surged and my heart thudded wildly.

I didn't expect this. I hadn't- hadn't predicted that-

They had eyes- that- moved, and they- They were moving. They were seeing. Those were seeing eyes.

Fear, and fear- My arms shook and my breaths turned laboured. I had no more weapons on me, but how- I needed to get rid of those-

They weren't meant to- This wasn't-

I didn't know what those are.

I closed my eyes, shook my head, dug my fingers into the soil.

I opened my eyes, bit my lip and tasted blood.

They were quiet now, staring- And it was-

Emotion?

Something. Something on their faces.

But faces- It- They- It-

They had faces. Expressions. That- were. Not-

Not- They were- Those were expressions. One moved.

Towards me. A step, like a human. A hand forward-

Like a human.

My hand shook and my throat burnt almost immediately- my ears rang, all the while I screamed.

I screamed and I could not hear it. I could not hear anything asides from the ringing in my ears.

I felt my body convulse in tearless gasps, petrified. My fingers fumbled for a knife as I scrambled away from that- those-

A queasy feeling pulsed my midsection and I nearly hurled.

No. They- No.

No, I needed water. I needed-

No, I needed water. I first needed to wash the acid away.

I stood up. Dropped. I stood up-

Ran.

-A few moments ago: Erwin-

Levi's face is twisted slightly in a way that lets Erwin know that he is suspicious about his decision and wants him to know that. Hange is wide eyed as they prod at the ashes.

"It's recent." Hange informed them. "Ve-ery lucky there wasn't big wind last night: there're trees here that aren't alive enough to be fire proof."

"We shouldn't remain stationary for too long." Levi said. "It might be a freak accident or something. A bush fire. Or. I don't really care."

"In this weather?" They returned. "Wait, over there- I think that's a bag?"

"This is a bad idea." Levi told Erwin after he watched them skip around the pile of blackened debris. "I hope you know what you're doing."

"I saw something last night." Erwin said.

"I know you saw something." He replied.

Erwin was walking on top of Wall Rose with Commander Pixis when he'd seen it. The barely discernible glow of fire in the distance. Of course, he wasn't going to jeopardise the expedition solely for that- He'd decided to... investigate after heading back.

Now that he thought about it, it was well under the Survey Corps' jurisdiction to investigate it: it could've been a titan combusting on the spot or something along those lines.

"A few of ours died around here." Levi continued when Erwin didn't say anything.

"I sent most of them back under Mike." Erwin replied. "And we'll be fine. There's enough foliage here to give us some fighting chance. Not that you really need it."

"It's- There was someone here!" Hange shouted.

"Tone it down, four eyes."

"Hange, what do you mean?" Erwin walked towards them.

Levi cursed violently under his breath before following Erwin, leading the horses as well.

"Look." They opened the satchel. "Whoever it is was collecting the ultrahard steel blades as well. There's medicine, erm, soap? Salve and bandages- There's also some broken matches here on the ground. Clearly, someone was here."

Erwin picked up a jar, inspecting it through the glass. "A journal? And money?"

Levi peered over and raised a brow, "Is that... wine?"

"There's rations as well, from Wall Maria, I'm assuming." Hange wondered aloud, gleam of interest in their eyes. "This satchel's a pretty good one- I know the maker. Can hide a lot of stuff. I wanna dump out all the contents to inspect it, but Levi's right. We are short on time, and we have this mysterious person to find!"

When Levi's sardonic "they're probably dead" comment didn't come, they turned to look at him.

"Levi?" Erwin prompted as he saw the man crouching down, looking at the ground- or something on it.

"There's a scrap of fabric here and the soil and grass has been disturbed." Levi frowned. "But. There's no blood."

Hange looked forth. "Let's find them."

"No." Levi tried.

"Let's go." Erwin agreed.

Levi sighed, but didn't look surprised.

-Levi-

He had to admit that he was starting to see where Erwin and Hange's intrigue were coming from. He couldn't deny the wriggling sense of curiosity as they followed the tracks of a titan, barely noticeable marks on the ground.

Then there was bitter disappointment as it merely led to a titan, luckily staying still and facing away from them. Levi didn't really know what he was expecting: if that person was alive, they would've retrieved their satchel by now.

He sighed, "Let's head back."

"Wha-at?" Hange whined, "We can't! There's still more to this- I can feel it!"

"Levi, Hange," Erwin paused, waiting for their attention. "At the titan's feet, do you see-"

A rather noticeable splatter sounded aloud, cutting off Erwin's words.

"Well, I certainly hear it." Levi remarked with awed revulsion. "Is it pissing? Disgusting."

"It's its stomach fluid." Hange awed. "Why is it leaking like that? You think these two mysteries are combined?"

"We aren't going to capture this titan, you freak." Levi could already predict the headache that would come from Hange's complaining. They had some weird titan kink or something.

Too late. Hange was already trotting around to take a proper look, making sure to keep mostly hidden by the trees.

Levi lamented the state of the Survey Corps. The Commander, a Squad Leader and himself, a Captain, were fooling around, playing hide and seek with a titan with majority of their forces away and only a handful standing guard, and open to dying at any point in time.

Well, it was his Squad, which he handpicked himself, so he really doubted they would die. Otherwise he'd go and kill them himself.

"That-" Hange's voice lowered into a whisper. "Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Oh Walls, oh bloody Maria."

Erwin, almost like an overeager child, basically skipped over to where Hange was, and he had the audacity to sound completely stoic as he asked: "What is it, Hange?"

Then he fell silent as well, eyes widening.

"For fuck's sake," Levi grumbled, before begrudgingly following. "What is the..."

Levi had to admit- He probably was cut from the same cloth as Hange and Erwin. Actually, no, he felt like anyone would be morbidly intrigued and breathtakingly impressed by this sight.

While the... stomach fluid was gushing out along with the sound of hissing steam, hands were prying through an incision, pushing back at the titan, and the sides of the titan's skin stretched to allow a small head to escape, a macabre image of birth, followed by a torso, and then-

He watched in dazed shock as an entire person fell towards the floor, tucking into a clumsy roll before collapsing into a heap on the floor.

Levi didn't think he was breathing when he watched them- a girl- she- a child- slowly raises herself up, joints folding and trembling like a fawn's.

"What the fuck." And judging by how strained it sounded, Hange probably hadn't been breathing either.

Erwin made a quiet, incoherent sound.

Dark hair, fair skin, blotchy with redness. Most definitely burnt and quite possibly had a concussion, judging by the unmistakable stream of blood running down her cheek.

She was small. 'Child' didn't feel enough to describe her. Levi called anyone younger than him a child. But this- She seemed tiny. To him. She was all pudgy hands and wide eyes-

'Infant,' He determined. 'A baby.'

Surviving amongst titans.

Even if it was just barely.

What the fuck, indeed.

The next sequence of events confuses him a little more.

But it did make sense why Hange had shot him a murderous look when he moved to eliminate the titan: clearly nothing much was prioritised over her titan kink, and it was a titan that spoke. Indeed, there was an entire grotesque talking thing that had Hange gripping his arm like they wanted to burst his muscle, almost squealing and ready to jump up and down if not for the fact that they needed to observe.

Of course, Hange 'sics' him on the titan when it reaches for the girl, as they often liked to say, and it was easy enough, although Hange decided to complain afterwards that they meant not to kill the titan and that it was a very unique one that they would have very much liked to- something, something, probably capture and experiment-

Erwin merely watches on, amused, while eyeing the girl from the corner of his eye.

Levi didn't really respond. He was too preoccupied with staring at the girl.

At his silence, Hange stopped and glanced at her as well.

Because this confused him too.

He's seen many eyes; eyes of disgust, envy, scepticism, even awe- He's seen fear, of course, in the eyes of those he'd beaten down and held against his knife's edge, but this-

That crazed terror in wide grey eyes startled him. Her mouth fluttered open and closed, little mumbles escaping, and her entire body was quaking with sudden tremors, leaning away from him.

He disliked the sight of scared children. It put a bad taste in his mouth- It should give any semi-decent person a sense of unease.

When that look was directed towards him...

And that scream- It was spine-chilling, with raw, unadulterated fear.

It took him off guard. It sounded like she was faced with death. Like he- Like they were titans, not humans- Humans who saved her from certain death.

Then that troublesome little shit ran.

"Hey!" Hange called out first. "Do we-" Even they looked uncertain, glancing between him and Erwin. "Do we chase?"

"I'll go." Levi said with a scowl, dropping the heaviest of his gear.

"You? " Hange yelled after him with open scepticism. "Hey, hey, you're our main attack force, Levi! What're you stripping for? This is too out of character for your child-hating guts! And your face is too scary for this- At least tone it down for the kid!"

They finished with a holler, most definitely letting every titan in a 100 meter radius know of their presences.

It wasn't like Levi was hard of hearing. Hange already had a pretty loud voice. He could even hear their comment a second later-

"Fuck this, I'm going too."

Levi rolled his eyes as they followed him at a clumsy speed walk pace, carrying his gear for him. He just hoped that his Squad was doing a good job at killing any titans coming their way.

This kid was going to be a handful.

Notes:

also, the fact that only some survey corps soldiers r there.. like i bullshitted all that. also i did an abundance of research on the current state of the survey corps (how long ppl have been in their positions etc.) but istg if it's still wrong...

also the comments i got on the prev chapters talking abt if someone saw her- i was like YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL. I WOULD NOT WRITE SUCH A SCENE WITHOUT WITNESSES. OBVIOUSLY IT'S GONNA BE IMPORTANT PEOPLE.

- the phrase 'sic [something on someone]' wasn't coined until later, but hange is so cool that they broke the time barrier to access the word.
- also hange is canonically gender ambiguous so i'm sticking to it, but i started anime-only so i've associated them w fem pronouns. if u see me stuff up, please correct me :p

kira's reaction to people:
- her physical state exacerbated things
- i feel like there's some more realism in this. in fact, i actually didn't plan for this to happen, but when i write characters, especially my SIs, i immerse myself pretty heavily, so kira's reaction actually happened by itself. it wasn't part of my plan at all. it like violently swerved off track. i hope no one's mad abt it T^T

in fact i hope someone appreciates it cuz it took darn long to write comprehensively. (at least i hope it's comprehensive...) EDIT: i've cut out 6k words cuz i realised it was... a 9k word long chapter and i don't exert myself like that anymore :0

question again: when should main trio find out about her? (and, ig, how much do u care about it?)

i already have a general plan (AFTER my hands got possessed by kira), but i wanna know what ppl r expecting/how ppl react to this chapter, so i can adjust if needed. obviously, i'm not completely inflexible and i can emphasise what readers want, but sometimes there r just plot points that happen yk ?

anyway sorry for the long a/n's :'D i hope it wasn't too ooc or anything

fml i have a Very Important Test tomorrow so why did i spend sm time editing this T^T ples wish me luck cuz i'll really need it :'0

i hope this chapter was good food. : )

Chapter 11: in the walls of life

Notes:

anyway, the title is meant to mean a lot of things. but i changed it like 50 times to make it work, so the meanings are barely there. like you'd need to analyse real hard to get to where i originally had it as.

- italics can either be a previous/memory dialogue OR just dialogue in the background/tuned out but still in present time

- clunky wording, parataxis, periphrastic forms, tautology are all used with intent.

essentially, this chapter is kinda badly written (inconsistent tense etc.) and it's half on purpose and half because i wrote this in different intervals and the editing process wasn't smooth (i kept cutting out bits and adding in bits in the wrong tense by accident)

edit: just realised i fucked up the beginning title bit of last chapter (dk what its called but at the start of each chapter i have that lil bit yk anyway i fixed it now hsahah)

yay long chapter :D eat well, my children

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 11

- in the walls of life -

"You stupid little shit."

There was a seething voice as I surfaced.

"Filthy. Positively filthy."

My mouth opened in alarm and tried to throw myself back when a hand darted out and grabbed my neck- the hair at my nape and pulled me closer to the bank. My hands reflexively went to my head, wanting to remove the grasp, yet not wanting to touch the-

-Touching me. It was touching me.

"Get the-"

The hand was nauseatingly warm and I could feel each finger against my skin.

"-fuck out of-"

The hand was attached to an arm which was-

"-the river right-"

-attached to a shoulder, attached to a chest, attached to a neck, attached to a head-

"-now. I'm not going in that."

A head with a face.

Mouth.

Moving. Talking and breathing- Blinking- Then that- that look, that- was a look. A look that was an expression.

"For fuck's sake-"

And then two hands- two arms- chest, neck, head.

Two hands, under my arms, lifting me up, away from the water, towards it. Towards its big, gaping mouth- Hot breath, stench of rotting corpses-

I reached for my knife. There was no knife. My hands closed around nothing. There was a faint sting. I looked at my hand. It didn't look very nice. I blinked and glanced back at the titan-

It was not a titan.

Eyes. At me. Observing, like a bird- Too intelligent to be a bird. I looked into eyes.

Mistake.

Panic reared its head again.

Eyes. I blink and look away. Blinked again and shook my head.

"Calm the fuck down. You're safe."

Its mouth moved and a voice spoke. It was not a titan.

It was a- moving one. A moving cor- Body. A moving body. Not a corpse. No. No- Yes. No.

Yes, this was a human. Person. But- But, it's not meant to be like that. It's not meant to be like this.

It was wrong. I didn't like it. I hated it.

I rearranged the spoken human sounds into a sentence. I read the sentence to myself in my mind, even while my hand slammed against the head in my struggle. The expression on the face did not move.

I felt rage and desperation: I was not that weak. I could not be- compared to bodies I'd found and touched, which seemed to fall apart too easily, skin tearing, limbs falling-

The one time I wanted to rip an arm from its joint, and I couldn't.

"Stop."

The fingers tightened and the voice was louder- No, not louder. But heavier. Like cold, hard stone.

I froze, then realised how tired my body was. I didn't move, even as I felt my skin shriek where the fingers were pressed against. I could feel my torso expand and shift with each harsh breath against the hands.

If I stayed still- When I stayed still, this was the kind of feeling I had to endure.

I loathed it. I felt sick.

I opened my mouth. Closed it.

I grabbed the arms attached to the hands under my arms. My hands recoiled from it and my body tensed.

I grabbed the arms again. Released, then grabbed again. It didn't burn. It didn't burn, but it was warm. Like a fresh corpse.

But a fresh corpse with rolling muscles and shifting tendons, like worms, I think, but I'd much rather worms to this.

"You're listening. Good enough." The mouth moves and there is a voice. It wasn't meant to do that.

I writhed and squirmed, digging my fingers into the flesh.

"Don't do that with your nails. It's annoying."

Warm, fresh flesh.

It didn't move. It didn't budge. My head felt light with delirious panic. My breaths were too fast- The hands under my arms which were attached to arms which were- Corpse.

Not a corpse. Whole, warm, alive. Alive- Human. But alive.

"You're safe." The voice says. "So don't hit me."

"Nah, hit him as much as you want."

Another voice- Higher, not too high- Bouncier, like elastic. Brown hair. Goggles?

"Why're you holding her like that?"

"Look at her. She'll bolt if I put her down or tear my neck out with her teeth if I hold her any closer."

"Gosh, how mean, Levi! I'm sure she's a really nice and sweet civilised girl. Don't project just cuz you weren't."

"I would never do something so unhygienic-"

"You two, stop."

Then silence. The facade of it. There's still the breathing and the rustling fabric and the sound of dirt moving as feet shift.

It was a powerful voice. A clear voice. I could hear it. I could hear it. It told me to listen. So I listened.

Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Blonde hair. Eyebrows. Blue eyes.

I frowned.

Eyebrows.

"What's wrong?"

It takes a second for the words to register. Wrong?

Oh there was-

A lot. Too much. Everything. Everything. I didn't want to think about-

I shake my head. I shake it again. One more time, but the feeling doesn't go away-

I move my mouth as if to groan or whine or express my extreme discomfort- expel it from where it strangled me somehow-

I shook my head. I had to, to try and make it go away because my head was pounding and it stifled the sound of it.

What was this- Wrongness. The mouth needed to stop moving. Noises- There should not be noises. I covered my ears. I could still hear it.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't escape these- this. I couldn't escape this. I was already in a bad condition, even worse after the titan.

Even if every cell in my body screamed at me to run away or hide or disappear, I couldn't, so I curled into myself as tightly as I could as the moving arms held me against a breathing chest.

I squeezed my eyes and pressed my hands against my ears as hard as I could, ignoring the monstrous thump-thump of a beating heart that echoed against my being, and the rise and fall of a living chest, and the warmth of the limbs that wrapped around me.

Where death had embraced me, life now did.

And within its confines, I could not move.

-Hange-

Honestly, someone needed to commend Hange for how much they tried to stay quiet.

After these turn of events, they wanted to scream in excitement. The talking titan?! The girl?! How? Hange wanted answers!

And also: there were just so many ways Hange could tease Levi for suddenly becoming all caring and nice in the awkward way, giving her his cloak and all. Then again, her shivering made her look hypothermic, so perhaps it was just decency.

But, point still! Levi usually didn't bother with the facade of decency. And the girl was still a little wet from the river water, so by tolerating her 'filthiness', Levi was already at the height of his niceness, bordering on abnormal, even.

He muttered something to her and pointed to a horse. She didn't seem to respond but was compliant as Levi attempted to prod her onto the horse.

His horse because it couldn't be Erwin's and the kid seemed even more wary with Levi's squad (probably the presence of more people) than them, and not Hange's because Hange wanted to see Levi struggle.

"Useless brat." He tsked with that scathing tone of his.

And the girl froze.

What did Levi want that short, twig child to do?! Hange mentally anguished. She probably had no strength to mount! And she was physically too short to!

Hange decided to take back their mental statement: 'Levi' and 'nice' did not belong in the same sentence. He was, at best, a well-meaning asshole who took a few too many steps to display his (in Hange's opinion) goodness within.

But then Levi lifted her on and Hange decided to give him that again. Maybe he could be nice.

Levi mounted and the girl recoiled so hard she almost fell off. He grabbed her, basically commanded her to stay still and then dismounted.

Hange held their breath as they watched Levi's patience draw thinner. He stood in place, hand on hip, expression unreadable as he stared at the girl.

Meanwhile one of Levi's members, Petra, made big angry gestures at Levi and another guy- Eld, they were pretty sure- shook his head at him aggressively, pointing at the wooden cart used to carry bodies. There weren't many deaths after Erwin became Commander, but there were always a few unlucky stragglers towards the sides, or the newbies or the unfortunate ones who caught the eyes of Abnormal titans.

Petra and Eld both paused and glanced at each other, glancing at the body parts, then at Levi. They looked hesitant now. Yeah. Who would chuck a traumatised infant onto a cart with corpses and body parts?

Levi sighed, plucked the girl off the horse and made his way to the cart with a constipated look on his face.

Of course Levi would.

Hange could bet that Levi had never had such a prolonged contact with another person- let alone an endearing specimen like a baby. They must witness this spectacle.

They joined Levi and the girl on the cart. Levi shot them an aggravated look. Hange shrugged and gestured to the girl's satchel as an excuse. Levi rolled his eyes. Hange set it down, not really knowing whether or not to speak.

Probably not.

Erwin had told them all to stay silent.

"Our existence is somehow terrifying to the child. Best not to remind her of that by speaking. Ask questions when we return." He'd said in a low tone while Levi scowled on his self-inflicted babysitting duty.

Honestly, Hange didn't know what possessed Levi's sudden bout of responsibility. It almost looked like he was taking accountability or something.

They should probably start thinking about this.

Hange pursued their lips and pulled out their notebook, flipping it open to scribble in their journal entry. Then, the girl moved properly for the first time and straightened at the sound, eyes honing into the notebook, then onto the satchel.

Interesting.

She reached for it and sat on the floor, absentmindedly rewrapping a severed arm that rolled towards her with eerie apathy- even relaxation. She opened her satchel and then frowned, pausing for a moment, before grabbing at the jar with the notebook and pencil.

Oops. Hange probably didn't put stuff back in in the right order.

Hange squinted and tilted their head subtly to try and read it. Her handwriting was big and her shaky hands wrote slowly, so it wasn't too hard. Levi's unimpressed stare, boring into the side of their head, told them that it wasn't very subtle.

- stomaCh asid haigiher pH then humans. Also, hotter, around 40-45 degriis

Hange's mouth dropped. They resisted the urge to squeal so hard.

This tiny baby had titan notes! Notes on titans! Oh my god, that was so adorable! They loved her! Loved this kid! In fact, Hange wanted to adopt this kid!

Then she flipped to the beginning of the notebook and wrote what seemed like a continuation-

I disrespected the dead.

She had written, and now-

D27: Un-knoun Un known time, but da ylite. Stupid me paSst owut. Then I woke up with titan in my f ace. The titan ei ate me. Not scared. i don't kno wai why I Was not scared. But then theer ar poeplE hu hoo who shuld not b here. Th ey scar e me.

. -

I think

My haed herts. My head herts. Hurts. Corpses dont brethe, dont talk, dontmove. This is - , _ ver y sca ry. ItsW rong. I dont kno wHhy -

I

I will writ e later.

I stared at the last four words in bitterness. My head was pounding and the words were swimming before my eyes. I couldn't grasp the letters, and could barely read what I wrote. Not to mention my hand, stiff and shaking from the injury I was forcefully ignoring, could hardly move the way I wanted it to.

I knew it was wrong. Incorrectly spelt, I meant.

Usually I took the painstaking time to carefully trace out the letters that Armin taught me, and wrote with nice handwriting and correct spelling. That was at first. Now, I just had to shape my thoughts, and I couldn't even do that.

Armin. Armin. My mind echoed. Mikasa, Eren, Carl- And I blanked it out.

Even English seemed like a distant memory- And I had to think hard and squint to remember what that language I used to use was. Everything seemed different.

Foreign. Unusual.

I couldn't grasp anything. Could barely think. Could barely remember.

I was still all too present of these... people around me.

No matter how I tried to rationalise after calming down, the thought of them just threw me into panic. It shouldn't've even been a surprise- When I saw the corpses in the titan's stomach, I knew there'd be people around.

But, seeing them, hearing them- touching them, it was too much.

I didn't expect such a horrific feeling of wrongness to accompany them.

I hadn't realised how quiet it had been, how empty my world had been. Now it was all crammed up with people who could hear if I talked, and see if I moved, whose voices were loud even when they whispered.

The world used to be just what I saw and what I thought.

Now I shook when I didn't mean to. I couldn't speak when I could think. I couldn't move when I told myself to. There was a-

There was a disconnect somewhere, like I was on a threshold, a liminality.

Now it was crammed with the living, where I'd gotten used to the dead.

I didn't belong amongst the living, I think, I realise. I shouldn't be here.

This wasn't home.

Or rather, there hadn't been homes and I was accustomed to that.

I looked to my right, where there were dust clouds kicking up from the horses and wheels. The tiny dots of titan figures in the background. Somehow, it feels like it'd be easier living in that hell, working towards a goal. Now that I was at said goal, what do I do?

And could I even survive amongst these living people?

I could already hear the clamour behind me as the horses and I and the breathing bodies around me swiftly arrived at Trost.

The hood of the cloak was thrown over my head, abruptly darkening my vision. I jerked when I felt a hand press down on my head, guiding me to lean against an outer thigh.

'Warm,' I think, and it disgusts me.

"Sit still." The voice murmured quietly. My hackles rose. There was a slight pause. "...Focus on the sound of the bell."

I stilled obligingly, mind pouring over the words. Bell?

Then I heard it.

The bell. Loud, steady, familiar-

I remembered a loud sound, the shaking ground, the screams-

"Was that an earthquake?" I remembered, before debris rained and blood splattered.

"-Gates are ope-"

"-Survey Corps-"

"Do you see-"

"-cloaked-"

"Soldiers-"

"-Is that-"

"Oh my-"

"-child-"

The bell. I remembered, as my stomach fell in waves of relentless panic. I stared into the shadowed panels of the wood beneath me and focused on the bell.

I drowned.

-Eld-

"Oh dear." He said as soon as the child- Kira, he'd confirmed after catching a glimpse of her face closer- was herded into the bathroom by their Captain. "Oh dear. Oh dear."

"Was that...?" Gunther asked hesitantly.

"Yeah..." Petra nodded, pale. "I wasn't sure at first, but it's definitely..."

"What?" Oluo frowned in confusion.

"You recognise her?" Erwin asked, face blank as always. Sometimes, he talked like he was threatening you. This was one of the times.

The three glanced between each other nervously.

"Some of my previous team met her about six months ago." Eld started. "She's from Shiganshina-" Hange made a noise of exclamation. "Name's Kira Rouge. Little kid with a potty mouth."

"She had quite a reputation in Shiganshina..." Petra added, before-

"Petra." Levi called, opening the door jerkily. "Go wash that little rat. She most likely has steam burns. Leave them alone; I'm best with them, so I'll do that."

"Steam- Er-" She glanced at Erwin, who nodded, permitting her leave. "Yes sir."

"Well, I'll start again. Her name's Kira Rouge from Shiganshina." Eld said, inclining his head to Petra as she left. Levi sat down at the table and rested his head upon his hand.

"I'm still shocked from that." Hange interrupted. "Shiganshina? Isn't that like a hundred klicks away?"

"And isn't she just a brat?" Oluo added, raising a brow. "Is that even possible?"

"Don't ask me." Eld shrugged, "You'll be saying that a lot. She did have somewhat of a reputation. It began with slave traders-"

Levi scoffed, "Of course, she's dealt with slavers."

"Yeah... I think she was five when she killed two of 'em." Eld scratched his cheek, wincing at that. "That's actually pretty young now that I think about it."

"To say the least." Gunther sighed. "And then she was known around the neighbourhoods for robbing drunk men. She garnered a lot of attention from that alone."

"There was this one time a newspaper quoted one of her entire spiels against the Garrison soldiers. Although I only read it cuz I hated those drunks." He added with a snort. Then he backtracked, adding- "I'm exaggerating. Anyway, back when Shiganshina stood, they practically had nothing to write about. Their newspapers were so dry. Still, Kira was worth attention. Quite the lass."

"We've only met her once, and briefly, but I'm definitely supporting her if there's some inane ancient rule about unauthorised civilian existence outside of the walls. I just... A six year old, I mean- That's just- sad."

Erwin smiled slightly, "I don't believe Rouge's case would apply, so she won't get into any trouble. You should be worried about what to do with her. Some people will inevitably find out about her return from Shiganshina. I will need to report it." He added.

"Some way or another," Eld nodded in agreement, "Through logs, if they're keeping them, or people who recognise her, or journalists who want a good tale- They'll spin a story. Or they'll tell the truth, because it's dramatic enough. Then..."

"She'll be drafted into the cadets early to hone a top soldier. Or something along those lines. Willingly or otherwise, she's become a vital resource for humanity and must act her part." Erwin concluded. "It goes without saying that the Survey Corps should prioritise the recruitment of her, but there will be some oppositions. I assume nobility or merchants will want her, either for her strength or just for her story."

Eld frowned. Erwin was right. Eventually, they would have to report their findings and news would leak somehow. There would've been many people who saw her- the figure of a child- when they returned as well. Rumours will beget an official story, and eventually the truth, or some form of it, will come out.

Such a miraculous case is unheard of- and the person in question is a six year old child.

People like miracles. They wanted it.

"Can we even look that far?" Levi intercepted. "She's practically catatonic. At this rate, she might get a seizure and die before we can even report."

Now they were all frowning.

"I agree. If not for her peculiar mental state, I would've been inclined to immediately introduce her into early training as well. However, there are people who will not excuse it. Or simply will not believe the severity of it. A solution would be to show proof of her... discomfort, but that solution entails a shameful display of her grief and leaves much to be desired."

Eld wondered if the fiery child he knew even existed anymore within that shell of a person. He wondered if the Kira he knew, candid and self-assured, would even react to being paraded around to sell a story of her sufferings.

"Well. I think," Hange said slowly. "Our priority is to stall. People can talk, but we'll need to stall the journalists for as long as possible and claim immediate temporary guardianship."

"To find a suitable deflection or excuse?" Erwin prompted in questioning.

"To wait for the child to get a grip. She can think for herself. Eventually, at least. Whatever it is, it's not unsolvable. Well, we can't dismiss the possibility of it. It's because of the isolation. She's six. Which means-"

"-Holy shit," Petra stumbled into the room, sleeves rolled up and hair partially tied back. "Holy shit." She mumbled. "I'm stupid."

Eld frowned in thought at her words, wondering what she did.

"You done?" Levi moved to stand.

"Yes, but-" She bit her lip. "It's probably better if she's left alone for a bit. I..."

"You tried to talk to her." Eld guessed with a sigh.

"At least I waited until I finished." Petra said, uncomfortable. "I just asked if she remembered me. I told her my name. Then she looked at me- actually looked at me and looked so- terrified. She looked like she was about to- die or something, so I apologised and left. I don't want to leave her alone, but clearly- clearly I'm doing more harm than good."

Levi sighed. "Whatever. Petra should probably be here for this anyway. You're the only girl here, so if the kid's staying with us, then."

"She definitely has to stay with us." Petra frowned. "I don't think she has anyone else, and I don't trust anyone else. I barely trust myself with her."

"I guess it's full guardianship we're looking for then. Not temporary." Hange corrected with a distant tone.

Eld added, "Kira said she hadn't been named. That's why her name is so- fantastical. She got it from me after I told her about her rumoured name. She definitely doesn't have guardians- and if she does... well, that might just be worse. I hope she found one sometime after we met her, but with her personality... I'd say it's unlikely."

"Personality?"

"She was a ferociously independent child." Eld remembered.

"The baby's so nihilistic as well." Petra sighed, "Even back when she was loud and confident and, you know. Not like this. Traumatised- more than she already had been." Another sigh. "I barely recognise her..."

Eld agreed. It was the only reason why he'd doubted that the girl was Kira. Kira was awfully bold and prideful for a child her age. She was intelligent and composed. Not like how she was now.

There was a brief pause.

Hange glanced at the satchel, "Should we look at her-"

"No, Hange." Erwin gave them a look.

"Aw come on, please! Like, the first page or something!"

"It's a blatant invasion of privacy." Levi told them.

Eld agreed, but didn't voice it. He did have an itching curiosity to see how Kira became... like that. And if Eld was like this, someone as inquisitive as Hange- who practically forgot their hatred of titans in lieu of curiosity- was probably dying from it.

"It might not have anything personal! If it does, I'll drop it immediately! The first page!" Hange clasped their hands together. "Don't tell me you guys aren't dead curious."

"You just want the titan notes." Levi narrowed his eyes.

"I do." They immediately confirmed.

"Well." Levi rolled his eyes. "You can do that after she 'gets a grip', to quote yourself. Didn't you say she could eventually think for herself? Ask her for it then."

"Right, Hange," Erwin told them. "Continue what you were saying before."

"Ah." They nodded, looking up to try and remember. "Isolation." Hange said again. "Her brain's pretty delicate at this stage. Y'know the thing with kids mimicking their surroundings and all that watch and learn stuff? Titans and other dangers aside, she's had to see and process a lot of dead bodies. I mean, I know she's killed before, but if you imagine how Shiganshina would look now..."

Eld didn't really want to picture it. He'd seen a good deal of dead bodies himself and it still leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

"She'd be seeing a bunch of people she's used to seeing alive, dead. So," Hange paused in thought. "She maybe ended up processing her previous memories and their bodies together as one unit of grief, rather than how people usually process deaths in the 'past' and 'lack of future' and 'ahh, a dead body!' way?"

"Leave it to you to find such a strangely specific and bullshit confusing theory." Levi commented blandly. "She's also probably had to rummage through a bunch of dead bodies and go through the homes of dead people. Anyone who does that by their own volition and by necessity would feel terrible. So?"

"So, seeing people alive..." Hange spoke slowly, figuring it out while they spoke. "Probably confronted her with all the badly processed or unprocessed trauma she's had since the fall. What I mean to say is, she started seeing corpses as normal people. Normal things. Remember how nonchalant she was with the titan? Or with the arm on the cart?"

Eld frowned; he had seen that, as he'd been stealthily eyeballing her the entire way back to Trost. Admittedly, it was poor decision-making on his part, but there was too much bewilderment and confusion for him to do otherwise. He'd been surprised at that. While he knew Kira was not unfamiliar with violence, it was still unsettling to watch her nonchalance.

"Again, maybe the way she dealt with it was by internalising her memories with the dead bodies replacing their alive forms? Or something? I dunno. I get dreams like that a lot, and eventually you end up forgetting how they look when they're alive. Right?"

Oh. Eld nodded slowly. Oh, he thinks, and understands it a little more.

(Because everyone in the Survey Corps has had friends who were killed. He remembered their last words better than he remembered their smiles. He remembered their severed bodies and the patterns of their blood smears better than their faces.)

It's easier to think of scattered body parts than their distant, unreachable living forms. The latter pains him more because they're more real that way.

"Like what Levi said as well- How do you justify going through your dead comrade's stuff? 'Oh, they'd want me to blah blah make use of their blah,' or something, as if dead bodies have a will. As if the will of a person who only existed in the past matter. To put it simply, don't we all comfort ourselves by pretending some part of the dead is still alive?"

Hange stopped, tapped their chin with a finger, surveyed everyone's expressions.

This was probably the longest stretch of time where Hange talked and everyone else was silent. Usually what they talked about was nonsensical and extreme, yet at the same time, made more sense than it should, at first notice.

"So conclusively, what isn't normal to her is humans. As compared to titans or corpses. Sentient beings that function like she does are- abnormal for her. We reminded her that corpses are corpses and those dead people aren't us. Aren't living."

At the continued silence, they continued.

"We, our appearances, our- our gestures and expressions- clash, probably, against what she'd visualised in her minds. And the only thing she could visualise was dead people. Titans. Imagine that. Getting used to that. Then you see humans, and they're different. Boom." They said, humourless and flat. "Mental break."

There was still silence, but Hange remained quiet, waiting for response.

"...Wasn't it a month?" Oluo asked haltingly. "Surely kids bounce back quick."

"Some kids can bounce back quick," Gunther agreed. "With a lot of underlying mental problems. But we don't really care about that because right now, humanity is too fucked."

"Okay, can we stop psychoanalysing the kid now?" Levi interrupted flatly. "What do we do with her now? You said this could be solved. Therapy her or something? Us? "

"Well," Hange looked less certain. "Surely we can reverse-engineer it-"

Eld did not think they could reverse-engineer it.

"-See who she's most comfortable with. Or rather, anyone she can actually identify as a person and not a zombie, and not completely flip out." Hange proposed. "Get her fully comfortable and used to that person. Get that person to talk to her a lot. Introduce regular human stuff. Introduce another person. Blah. Continued escalation of stimuli. Then eventually we'll have to ask her about what happened and then see if she can get over it."

Never mind, perhaps they could reverse-engineer it.

"You just want the titan notes." Levi accused again.

"I do too." Hange admitted, just as easily as the first time.

"Oh, Leee-vi," Hange called, singsong.

Levi glanced back at them, about to leave. "What."

"Remember to talk!" Hange smiled. "A lot."

Levi stared at them, face drawn up in a mild display of distaste. "No."

Hange's smile didn't budge. "Thanks, buddy."

"Aren't you cold?" The voice of the person who had held me (with arms like iron bars) said.

I had been cold before. I didn't quite remember what happened before the pers- woman- Petra told me- talked to me, but I remembered brief flashes of chilling cold water.

"Oh." It then said before I could even think to reply. "Never mind then. If you're cold, you're gonna need to suck it up. You've got more burns than I expected. ...Well, what was I expecting anyway. You crawled out of a fucking titan. Disgusting."

I was staring down at the other side of the bathtub, while there were some cluttering noises and murmured swearing. I then startled when a towel wrapped around me and I was promptly picked up.

"Which incompetent bastard didn't refill the medical supplies?"

I heard the voice mutter. I also heard the thump-thump of the heartbeat. It was slower than a titan's heartbeat. Human. Alive human. I was able to control my reaction a bit better upon thinking about it.

Then the next thing I knew, we were in a room and the person was sitting down in front of me. Human, I think.

"-me your hand."

Dark hair. It was short. Undercut. I observed and did not panic. Slim eyes. Human. Do not panic.

"What." It spoke gruffly.

Male. 'He'.

Low voice. Inflectionless. Yet enough so that it sounded like a human. Intimidating. Dark circles. Fit. ...Shorter.

...Impatient.

"Hand." He seemed to have repeated. "Give me your hand."

I obligingly held my hand out.

"Your right one, you dimwit."

My right one was injured. I didn't know why he wanted it. I held it out anyway.

"Shit, it's worse than expected." He said irritably, grabbing my wrist with his hand.

It was tight enough to keep my hand still when I twitched. I focused on the colour of the desk that was also in the room and ignored the hand touching me.

"You're a real work, aren't you? A burn over a laceration. How did you even get it?"

'Oh,' I realised. 'He's treating me.'

The- The man paused and he looked up to stare at me. I couldn't read the expression this time. "Yes, I'm treating you, imbecile. What did you think I was going to do? Chop it off? Don't make me run out of insults."

I touched my mouth with my left hand, disturbed. Did I just speak aloud? I didn't hear it though. Did he read my mind?

He did not speak until after he secured the bandage. I stared at it then remembered my horrible wrap job around my head. I felt for it with my left hand, but didn't feel anything. Oh right, it'd already healed while I stayed at Wall Maria. How long would this take? I flexed my fingers, waving my hand a bit to adjust to the feeling.

"Don't go fucking up my work." He told me with a tone of threat. "Now your steam burns. Your clothes didn't really offer much protection, but they're actually not that bad, despite how it looks. I don't know how you did it. Only a few will scar permanently. That's your right arm, wrist to elbow. Your right palm is also fucked. Maybe your neck."

He sighed.

"Sit."

I glanced at the seat to my right. I sat.

He eyed me for a bit before he seemed to talk to himself. "Okay, I'll bite. This is going better than expected."

I frowned.

He considered me. "You're listening. Good. Keep doing that. Stay there."

My frown creased more. I wasn't moving. He jammed his index finger between my eyebrows and pressed a little, then rubbed as if it would get rid of the frown. I wrinkled my nose. Then relaxed my face. Tried to. There was still tension between my brows. I ignored the way his touch felt like disease.

He grabbed another jar and sighed something about needing to buy more. He held it towards me. "Grab some and slather it everywhere. I can't be fucked doing it all by myself. Just keep your right arm still and don't get that shit on the chair."

I nodded once and did as he said, wincing when it started to sting... and continued to sting. I tried to tune it out, but it was harder. Once I started paying attention to the pain, it was overwhelming.

Tears prickled my eyes. Gross.

"Fuck." I croaked. I heard my voice.

"...What did you say?"

"Ow." I blinked to clear my vision.

"Yes, 'ow'." The man didn't look impressed.

My right arm hurt a lot. His grip was firm, holding my arm in place as it twitched whenever he applied more salve or whatever it was. I needed some pain killers. Didn't I still have some wine? I refilled the small bottle at Wall Maria.

"Keep going." He said. "Your left arm is functioning."

I worried my bottom lip and did as he told me, shakily slathering the cool substance on my flanks and legs which were in varying shades of skin tone and red. It felt pleasant for the first two seconds. Then it stung, and stung more and more when I felt my skin tug.

I pressed my lips together and breathed mechanically. I tried to push away the pain, receding to the safe recesses of my mind. I was honestly so good at that.

"-you done?" He peered at my face. Let out a heavy exhale.

I read the words to myself in my head. I nodded. He doesn't move for a moment.

"Shuffle closer. I'll do your neck and then we're done."

I looked down at the chair. I did not know how to shuffle closer. Another heavy exhale- a sigh. He stands up. Kneels besides the chair. Places the container into my limp hands.

"Hold." He says.

I hold the container.

He holds my hair away from my neck and then my neck stings now. On both sides.

Then he huffed, stretching his upper body. "My back." He says grouchily.

"Captain... you should've just asked me for help earlier!"

Short, brown hair. Brown eyes. Smiles at me. I shivered. Petra.

"You don't have a dream or anything?" I hear.

I ignore it.

She secures the end of a bandage.

I blinked. Nearly every part of me is bandaged. There's a piece of adhesive bandage on my face as well. And around my head. Was it concussion or to finish the look?

"Kid would've seized if there was more than one person in the room in contact with her. And I'm getting a reimbursement for this ointment. It's expensive as fuck and I had to use my own."

Petra doesn't seem to respond to it. Or I missed it.

"Arms up!"

My arms do not go up. Soft beige fabric pools around my neck and Petra carefully pulls my arms through the sleeves. It's a shirt big enough to be a dress.

-Kira Rouge-

My thoughts come into startling focus when it's dark out.

I felt my heart skip a beat at the sudden, jarring awareness.

It's night. I'm indoors. I can hear things. I am standing. There is a bed. There is a wooden floor. There is a roof. There are walls.

I am indoors. It's night.

What happened.

I think. My head aches and I give up.

Then I shivered and wondered why it was so cold, why my cheeks were so hot and cringed at the sweat on my neck. Now that I thought about it, my entire body hurt. My joints were tender and my skin ached everywhere.

It was burning, yet I felt chills. Horrendous. Absolutely disgusting. I felt groggy, but I wished nothing more than to go to sleep on the spot. I even had a bed this time.

Alas, greater things await me, I told myself sarcastically as I tried to think about the last thing I remembered.

I came up short, frowning when my present headache became more headache-y.

Through the haze of my mind, I could barely remember the abnormal titan. I remembered its words- an unsettling "I love you" from its illiterate mouth.

Everything from there is a blur.

But even amongst that blur, I realised that I'd met more 'canon' 'characters'.

Erwin, Hange, and Levi, to be exact. And Levi's squad again, but actually in the squad this time.

I remembered screaming into their faces and running from them. I remember- "You're safe." And particularly the word "filthy" spoken in varying tones, which was mildly very offensive.

I remember... Nothing much else.

I sat on the bed provided for me, staring at my hands in horror.

My first thought was: what the fuck was going on with me.

My second was: that was a terrible first impression.

My third swerved back to the first: was I going insane? No way, right? It was really just the concussion messing with me. ...Right? I didn't feel concussed though. I might have a fever though. Asides from that, all I felt was the burning sensation of half my body recovering from almost being boiled alive.

Lucky I was so smart and genius to think of using the stomach acid as both a buffer to the steam as well as a potential delay to its regeneration.

But back on topic...

It didn't make sense. In the silence and solitude of the room, I could think perfectly fine- Well, as fine as I could in the state I was in. I could admit I was delirious after escaping the titan.

I could admit I wasn't in a sparkly mindset. But that wasn't old news.

I tried to think how I got here. Even a few minutes ago.

That didn't work.

I tried to track back to the beginning of my mental decline, but I couldn't pin point it.

The obvious answer would be my backtracking to Wall Maria. But compared to getting eaten whole, it wasn't... that bad, in hindsight. After all, I'd gotten close and uncomfortable with titans many times after that.

I couldn't pin point when I'd started to block out my memories. When, and why exactly did I stop thinking about Armin, Mikasa and Eren? And Carla? And that Mr Rosemary and the girl who loved to pick flowers and the lady who-

I couldn't breathe with the way my chest seized at the thought.

'Oh,' I thought. 'That's why.'

I stopped again, tried to look at it objectively. I looked for my notebook. It was on the desk, open to a blank page. I frowned. Out in the open? Did someone touch it? I started jotting down dot points, with a head title of:

What I currently remember:

- Titans breached Shiganshina then Wall Maria

- I helped Mr Rosemary, Mr Rosemary died

- I ran into the blonde, smiling titan, eating Aunt Carla

- Garrison soldier, Hannes, ran away with Eren and Mikasa

- Trapped between two titans

- Retreated to Yeager basement

- Head injury

- Wall Maria arrived

- Ran for a day, but couldn't find any new bases

- Fell into river

- Titan woke up early

- Survived

- Returned to Wall Maria

.

- Stayed there for around 20 days

- In the process: healed injuries, but developed possible deficiencies and quality sleep deprivation . dpossible mental deterioration

- Something.

- Set somethinghouse on fire ?

God damn it. My brain hurts trying to remember this.

Ouch ouch ouch

- Passed out from... something.

- Oh, it was a full moon, I remember

- How did I kill that titan before...?

- Anyway, I passed out from something

- Woke up at daylight

- Got eaten by a titan

- Sliced my way out of titan

- Titan was abnormal and probs used to be a pregnant woman; told me it loved me

- Met hum Er Erw in, HaNge, Levi

- I was . sc ared becau se

becau

I dont know.

After staring at the words in helplessness, I exhaled deeply and decided to cheat and check what I'd written before to help jog my memory. Surprisingly, my writing speed was pretty good- better than I expected it to be.

I still couldn't figure out my aversion towards people. It had only been a month or less since I'd last seen people.

Then I paused when I noticed a lot more pages written in. The thickly bound notebook was almost full.

I didn't remember writing them.

Frowning, I read it. It's my handwriting.

The first sentence I see at the top of a page reads: Levi told me I have to endure it even if I don't like it, so I can't 'kill' anyone.

I froze and the blood in my veins seemed to chill.

What.

I flip back to the 26th day entry and then see an entry for the next day and the next-

It's been fourteen days since I'd returned to civilisation.

Notes:

levi: yay, ur listening, u high maintenance brat
kira: *stops listening*

- 'through logs' = eld knows she doesn't have a name; what he means here is if she 'returns' back to the people and starts asking for the food, someone MIGHT notice that she's an addition

hange's sudden author info authority?
- i read their page on the wiki and it says they're empathetic, compassionate, a genius, has a unique way of thinking. i think hange was the only one i could've shoved this role onto tbh.
- hange's explanation is also a plot device so i won't need to rant (more!) in the a/n which is what i have a tendency to do... if u can't tell

- the reason why levi is being 'nice' is questionable. i need to find a solid reason before someone smacks it with a- 'THAT'S A LITTLE OOC'. i mean i've alr planned another levi pov in the future which will help, but for now... yall will just have to deal w a slightly nicer than usual levi

temporary memory confusion is just temporary memory confusion due to a combination of extremely high stress and physical un-wellness :D

hope it was alr and hope u enjoyed ur 7k chapter read (it's more than 2x my usual word count !)

edit: ONG I JUST REALISED THAT THIS MIGHT BE A CONTROVERSIAL THING CUZ THERE WAS MENTIONING OF KIRA BEING VIOLENT WHEN SHE WAS 'OUT OF IT' WHICH MIGHT CONTRIBUTE TO STIGMAS SURROUNDING DISSOCIATION AND STUFF. I SWEAR IT'S NOT LIKE THAT. OMG I HAVENT RRAD THE COMMENTS YET THO IF THERE R ANY-
EDIT AGAIN: okay so here's my reasoning: kira is murderous whether she's in her right mind or not. context is in next chapter (alr fully written and long ! :D )

Chapter 12: sunken

Notes:

kira's date schedule is weird: it was october 11 when the walls fell (kira's 'day 1')

so d27 was when she returned to civilisation. obviously kira's day 21 is then november 1. so just minus 20 from it and it's ur actual date. it doesn't matter tho, cuz i'll switch it out.

unreliable narrator was strong in this fic: reading kira's pov meant it was hard to discern the extent of her mental disturbance

source: me who feels sane and coherent when spiralling/during attacks but realises how not sane i'd been after them

EDIT: sorry yall i skipped a week cuz i realised i realised that altho i did write ahead of time, i'm going to be busy enough that i'll still have to space out the release. idk what possessed me to get off hiatus at the busiest time of my year when my sanity is stretched paper thin and i'm one nanometre from burnout.

so fortnightly updates :)) hopefully

my apology comes in this long chapter. eat well, children.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 12

- sunken -

D28:

D29: Erwin told me that I should write. About anything even if it was about the weather. I didn't want to agree, but I agreed because it feels like I shouldn't disagree. He tells me to be careful too. Because my hand is injured.

Eyebrows. Blonde. Blue eyes. Male. Name is Erwin Smith.

Slim eyes. Dark hair. Male. Impatient. Worm arms. Levi.

Brown hair. Elastic voice. Goggles. Hange Zoë. Very familiar, but my head hurts. Everyone calls them 'they'.

They told me they had two dots over the 'e' of their name. Told me my writing was very good. Told me I should learn cursive because it's faster. Told me they could teach me. Levi dragged them away.

Then four people:

Petra Ral. Dream lady. Looks sad. Very sad. She redoes my bandages and washes my hair and puts food in my mouth. Her touch is like butterflies, or grass, and her eyes don't look at me much, so it's okay. I don't hate it.

Eld Jinn. Ponytail. Blonde. Beard. Frowns. Moves his hand towards my head a lot. Stops when I stare at him. It makes him uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable. It doesn't happen any more, after the first few times.

Gunther Schultz. Shallot hair. Dark hair. Frowny as well. Can't pronounce last name.

Oluo Bozado. Funny name. It's interesting to say. Grumpy.

It's sunny.

D30: Levi was angry that I didn't sleep. I did sleep. He told me I didn't. I did. He told me I hadn't for the last few days. I said I did. He said I didn't have real sleep.

What does real sleep mean. I told him I did.

He is angry. He tells me to drink water in an angry voice. It's hard to swallow water. I told him the water is too cold. I told him I can't drink it.

Levi tells me I am sick. He tells me to sleep. I said okay.

Petra gave me more clothes. Redoes my bandages. Eld gives me a book.

Erwin told me I couldn't stay anymore because there were soldiers everywhere. I didn't know where I was. Petra told me I could go with her.

D31: Petra's father does not appreciate my presence.

I tell Petra I should go. Because I should. I told her that I didn't belong here. She looked confused, so I told her 'here'. With the living. It was true.

Petra is angry.

She said some things about how I had said I didn't want to lose my will to live. She said I should per ser ve r e.

I told her I didn't need the will to live, because I was still living regardless. I was living until I was not. I'll just return to where I belong one day. I actually did enjoy the days at Shiganshina and that the people there were not so bad.

I told her I wouldn't be upset to return to them because I've been there before.

. Petra is still angry.

Petra told me she was not angry. Petra told me she was 'just upset'.

I tell Petra I should go.

Petra did not let me go.

N31: I go because its easy and the cold feels normal, even if I don't like the feeling. It's really cold, but my skin burns hot.

I take my satchel. The wine is gone. The gun is gone. The ultrahard steel blades are gone. I have one knife. One knife is en oUgh _

It is hard to write prop erly when I am walking.

I will walk where it feels most right. I ignore the walking bodies.

I am at Wall Rose.

There are soldiers. There is a bald old man.

There are eyebrows. Erwin Smith.

The bald old man and Erwin see me. The bald old man raises a brow and waves. I blink at the movement. It disturbs me. Erwin frowns. Eyebrows.

When I finished writing that, the bald old man is besides me and Erwin is there too. He's frowning. He's saying something.

He asks me why I am here.

He tells me to stop writing.

He was the one who told me to write.

He tells me to not ignore him.

He told me that I should write when I am sitting at a desk.

There is nothing preventing me from writing when I am standing up. I have good spelling.

The bald old man tells me I have good spelling.

Erwin Smith tells me he can see what I'm writing. That's not nice.

He tells me the bald old man can also see.

That's also not nice.

He said the 'bald old man' is Commander Dot Pixis. He tells me to be respectful.

'Dot' is a stupid name.

Commander Dot is laughing. Erwin is frowning again. Eyebrows.

He says that wasn't respectful.

I_ _

Levi is here. He took my notebook. He looks angry. He always looks angry, so he looks normal. I was nearly maybe angry too.

He can't take my things. BaStard.

He tells me I can be angry. I think. I try to feel angry.

Nothing happened. Well, he gave it back to me anyway.

We are inside now. Levi grabbed me with his worm arm and I am on a chair now. There is a desk. Erwin told me I can write now because there is a desk. I do not write on my desk. It's harder, but.

I do not write on the desk.

Petra is there. She is in her inside clothes. She was outside with her inside clothes. She looks sad. She always looks sad, so she looks normal. But I feel like she's not meant to look sad. She's meant to be with a tree.

She's talking with Levi. My feet hurt.

Petra tells me loudly that I was walking barefoot. It hurts my ears. I don't like it. Levi told her to not shout. Petra says sorry then something else, looks sad, smiles at me and says bye. She leaves.

Across the room. There is Commander Dot. There is another man. He is blonde. . He seems familiar.

He is familiar.

. He is Hann e s- _

Levi told me I have to endure it even if I don't like it, so I can't 'kill' anyone.

Well, even if I wanted to 'kill', I can't do it easily now cuz Levi took my knife. Levi is also standing right next to me. At least he is not touching me.

Levi is more angry than normal.

But I wasn't 'killing' Hannes.

Levi is very wrong.

I told him every body was bad and wrong. But I don't kill every body for that.

I don't tell him it's because they are scary creepy.

I told him to give me back the knife. He said no.

The pencil looks pretty wield-able now that I considered it.

Levi told me no. But with a harder tone. He told me he would take it as well. He told me I was not to kill or attempt to kill anyone right now.

I told him I wasn't 'killing' Hannes. I told him Hannes was going to be dead anyway.

Hannes looks scared. He is always scared. That is why I hate

Hannes took a ste is walking towards me. i dontlike it I want h im to stop

Levi told me to just say what I write. I told him No .

Hannes stopped anyway. Good. I dont want him near me He should know his limits. I wonder what he wants.

I don't wonder. I don't want him near me. Unless it is under the knife. Or the pencil.

Levi hits me. It's like he can read my mind. Levi is staring at me He doesn't look very impressed. He tells me Hannes won't hUrt me. He tells me if Hannes tried, Levi will hit him really hard.

Not kill though. Well, Hannes will die sooner or later.

I told him that. I told him I've seen Hannes dying. Levi asked me where I saw that. I don't remember. But I know I see him dead.

I told him he will definitely die. So I wasn't killing him.

Levi asked me if I've killed someone before. I think. It hurts my head. Levi breathes out heavily and tells me not to mind it. I told him I have killed someone before. Levi told me he knew.

Levi told me I can't kill Hannes even if I 'think' he's going to die. I don't 'think' he will, I know he will. He will be dead. Levi asked me if I wanted him dead.

I told him Hannes left me to die. I told hi m I told my self when I was walki ng from Shigan shina that I would kill Hannes. Because Hannes ishad lefthe isHe is the reaso is a coward and a traitor. Hannes left me to die.

Levi asked me if I hated Hannes.

. I looked up at Levi. Levi had his hand up like he's manually shutting Hannes up. It's funny- Levi put his hand down. He asked again.

I think.

Hannes will die. So.

Levi told me he knew. Levi told me he knew Hannes will die and that Hannes left me.

I can't tell if Levi believes me or not. Levi asked me again, and said he hated repeating himself.

I don't say anything.

Actually, I never told myself I would kill Hannes: that was a lie. I'd forgotten about him until he walked here.

But it' s just r evenge. He will die anyway.

Levi told me he could see what I was writing. Oh. Levi, you're a bastard.

Levi hit me. Commander Dot asked Levi if it was okay since I had a concussion. Levi said yes because I clearly didn't have a brain. That was not nice.

Hannes is saying sorry but I don't like it. Levi, tell him to shut up.

Levi is staring at me. He tells me he's actually glaring at me. Levi tells him to shut up anyway.

I don't see Hannes anymore because Levi takes me somewhere else. Levi tells me I don't have to see him. He tells me I'm supposed to say thank you.

Thank you, Levi.

D32: Y845. M11. D12. 13.

Erwin told me I wasn't travelling anymore, so I could return to normal date. He told me it was mid-November. The 12th.

Levi told me Erwin told me that yesterday and today was the 13th. That felt a little bad. I didn't write anything yesterday then.

Maybe Levi knew I had to write something for each day because he told me it was cloudy yesterday and I had a slight fever. He touched my forehead with his hand and told me I didn't have a fever anymore and that I better eat the fucking food he gives me now.

That's good. I suppose.

Levi told me I was staying with him in case I stabbed someone. He told me not to try escaping, or else. Or else what?

Levi told me he would beat some respect into me.

Levi tells me I take too long to communicate with. Tells me to just get the cursive or shorthand writing lessons from Hange. I think No.

I wrote a lot yesterday when I left Petra's place so maybe I should write less today. Levi told me I had nothing to do anyway. Levi keeps looking when I write. Levi asks me if I care. I don't think I care. I told him not to read anything before.

Levi said okay. He actually said don't boss around your elders. He also said he had better things to do than rummage through a scrappy kid's scribbles.

Levi told me to keep the place fucking clean.

Okay, elder Levi.

Levi hit me. He told me I was a fucking smartass and he told me not to swear.

That's not fair. I'm just writing it down. He said it first. And he said it again after. Hypocrite.

Y845. M11. D14.

It is sunny, but cold.

I passed out afterwards, but I can still do a handstand pushup. I'm cool.

Y845. M11. N14.

Levi comes into my temporary room. He doesn't give me clothes or a book. It's not bath time or bandage time. I think. It's also not meal time. I think. I don't know why he's here.

It's sort of okay.

I decide I don't dislike Levi, even though he has worm arms.

He glances at what I wrote. I show him to make it easier.

He has a weird look on his face.

Then he asks worm arms?

He doesn't sound upset, but I told him sorry because I should say sorry. The worm arms are very bad, not good at all. I hate worm arms. I feel like my cells are slowly committing apoptosis near some things like worm arms. Very bad. I shouldn't have shown Levi that I know he has worm arms, so I say sorry.

I don't like saying sorry. I want to take it back. It doesn't feel right to say that.

He told me I could take it back if I could explain what it meant.

I don't really wan

I don't know. I shrugged. I don't feel good.

He told me it was okay. He told me he wasn't upset.

He told me if I showed him a handstand pushup I could take it back.

I say deal.

I do it o ne armd. I stil see Stars thuogh. Levi tol d me he wsa surpirsed I didnt pass out.

Levi tells me he's here to check if I'm living like a dirty rat.

He says good job after running his fingers over various parts of my temporary room. I told him that I had to clean it again cuz he smudged it. Levi hit me.

Then, Levi told me it wasn't temporary.

Y845. M11. D15.

It is still sunny. Still cold.

Y845. M11. D16.

Aa Bb Cc Dd Ee Ff Gg Hh Ii Jj Kk Ll Mm Nn Oo Pp Qq Rr Ss Tt Uu Vv Ww Xx Yy Zz AAA AA BCDEFGHIJKLMIK

& &&$$& %&& & &

Y845. M11. D17.

Rainy.

Y845. M11. D18.

Levi talks to me for the first time in a while. He left me alone most of the time. Gave me stuff and did a sweep of the room, but that was it. It was nice.

He asked me if I wanted to change my name.

He told me there were journalists who demanded a story and a name.

I think.

I don't want

I told him to tell them that I didnt have a n ame.

I was not ly ing.

He told me he would handle it.

Y845. M11. D19.20.

Levi told me it was the 20th. He told me the clouds and rain had cleared yesterday.

It was sunny today. Warmer. My head hurts.

Then there was what I'd written just before on the next page. I labelled the top with today's date: Y845. M11. D21. and then put down the pencil.

I breathed out heavily, feeling trickles of information return to me after I closed the notebook. Wow, that was a pretty funky experience. I really just experienced fun things without it feeling fun and without even experiencing them.

I sat there.

I-

I sat there. I breathed. I thought. Well, I tried to think.

'Wow,' I told myself again. 'This is kinda wild. The term 'apoptosis' hasn't even been invented here. What am I thinking.'

Was I clinically insane? Did I need therapeutic treatment? What the fuck.

I stop. Backtrack.

I remember my Box of Absolutely Nothing. It's gone. It had been gone. I'd compressed it and compressed it while shoving more and more stuff in there until it blew up like a black hole and sucked me right into it.

Right. That's probably the best way to visualise it. I'd been in my Box of Absolutely Nothing, right along my Horrible Humour whose voice had left me. Not that it was ever real, of course, but my mind felt awfully empty where a multitude of random thoughts used to bounce around. It'll probably come back.

I think.

I think I might've awakened. That Ackerman bull. I didn't know when or how, but I knew I couldn't swim that well. Or simply kill a titan with shitty tools and no ODM gear nor advantageous setting. And whatever had happened with the escaping-titan's-guts stuff was just insane. There's no way I could've done that at the start of the journey.

Right?

Of course, I knew I had insane ideas sometimes and split second decision making skills because in my past life...

I frown, wondering why it felt so distant- My past life, I mean.

I stop. Backtrack. Again.

I was currently on good terms with fairly important characters despite acting so... I winced upon remembering the encounter with Hannes. Now that I think about it, I'd gotten away with a lot.

That was a good thing.

I didn't know why I attacked Hannes on instinct. I felt intense discomfort at the prospect of seeing him. I failed to identify the exact reason and the cause. Anger? Made sense. Disgust? Eh, kinda. Fear? Not really. Then there was that entire clusterfuck of 'oh what the fuck, it's a living human'.

Was this a byproduct of straining my child brain? Perhaps the intensity of stress was too high for the correct emotions to be associated with the correct stimuli. This was, indeed, reflected by the repulsion of living humans.

I shelved that thought: it was too difficult to unpack for now.

I'm also living with Levi. Okay. It didn't seem as weird as I expected. Apart from that one fleeting thought (or, Wall's forbid, memory) of Levi forcefully shoving a piece of bread into my mouth, declaring me a useless, slobbering child who was wasting his food. I stopped for a moment. Then I ignored it.

Anyway, they looked so normal, so I wasn't entirely surprised that my... dazed self forgot about canon for a moment, even with the names. Erwin just had really- eyebrows.

I continued to rummage through my discordant thoughts.

Journalists and a bunch of random people now know of my feats. Part of them. I don't know how they did it, but the Survey Corps- or Erwin, I suppose, had really gotten them off my back for a long while. They don't have my input yet.

It doesn't feel as good as I expected.

I had a distant feeling I would've crowed in superiority and told these foolish, useless mortals to worship me and my absolute hunking balls of tungsten a while ago.

I just kinda felt... aggravated. Disturbed. I wanted to sleep.

There was a sound by the door. A barely audible knock. I looked up. There was a louder knock this time. Then one more. Then the door cracked open and Levi threw something onto my bed with unerring accuracy. A blank notebook.

I blinked.

Somehow, within the one second of Levi witnessing me exist, he knew something changed.

He stilled where he was halfway through closing the door, then opened it, turning around to openly eye me.

Levi leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms, raising an expectant brow. Then he said, "You can get your food from the kitchen now and eat it yourself. Lazy little shit."

Well, fuck. I guess that confirmed that embarrassing memory. Memories.

I opened my mouth. "Worm arms."

I blinked. He blinked.

Notes:

D15-17: levi blatantly ignoring hange's advice

anyway, i'm planning on hange and petra also getting close to her in the future. i always read comments thoroughly, so if you'd liked to comment any of your thoughts/predictions, feel free to :))

edit: couldn't be stuffed proofreading it one more time, but majority of this chapter is her journal thing, so i should eb fine ahshfajkn

thanks for reading :D

Chapter 13: I. counting up

Notes:

there's no real indicator when there are time skips other than between months (which will happen later, not in this chapter)

from the start of the chapter, it's Y845 M11 D21

edit: baack to short chapters :'D I GOTTA DO WHAT I GOTTA DO. i'm also breaking my pattern for the titles. it was gonna be like repeated, but now it's all screwed up. (you're not meant to understand what i'm talking abt rn dw)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 13

- counting up -

Uh. Oops.

I didn't even know what I wanted to say. Thanking him seemed weird. Apologising seemed weirder. But both of them were what I probably should've done.

"Sorry." I said. I make a face.

I hated apologising. I didn't know since when I'd come to hate it so much. I could admit it used to be pride. But now there was also the shame and guilt. Always. Always.

You're touching dead bodies, I hear. And it's their voices and mine. You're touching me.

And it feels- it had felt so sickening, so wrong, until it felt like nothing.

It was just the cloying sense of not good you did something bad that was associated with it. Isn't this the second time? I've had to apologise to this man.

Do it more. Yet I wanted to demand one from him. You touched me.

Somehow I wished for the fog and the clouds to come back and silence these sounds in my head.

"Explain it to me and you can take it back." He offered again.

I looked down at the notebook. I looked at him. I stared at him. I waited for the crawling sense of unease to leave. It didn't leave, but it wasn't unbearable.

I nodded.

I moved to stand up, but I felt my body flinch when he took a step towards me. I frowned at myself, because what the fuck. Levi stopped as well.

"For fuck's sake," I grumbled, stamping down on the irrational fear flaring up within me. "It's fine. Just ignore me. Something something trauma, I don't know. Do therapists exist here?"

"Don't swear, pipsqueak."

I'm physically exerting effort to keep my dominant arm still as I stand before him, craning my head to look up at him. I bet it was a rare sight for that bastard. I frowned at the clashing impressions I had of him.

When I first came to the realisation that I'd meet the cool 'characters', I was a little excited. Now it seemed rather unimportant in the face of my very possible continued future mental meltdowns.

Besides, he totally was a bastard.

Can't believe he'd dope slap a kid with a concussion, as light as he did it.

"Fuck you." I said politely, unable to erase the wariness in my voice. "Worm arms."

I reach towards his arm. I stopped.

"Everyone has worm arms. Logically."

Then I remembered dream lady- Petra- with her soft touches, too fleeting and light to spark lingering unease.

"Apart from Pe-Petra. Because sorcery. But." I told him. "When- When-"

I closed my mouth. Planned my sentence. I opened my mouth.

"Wh-When- god fucking damn it- When I- you picked me up-" I cringed. "Actually, why the fuck were you holding me like that? Do I look like an infant creature to you?"

"Yes." He said flatly.

"Bastard." I exclaimed.

"So 'worm arms' came from that?" Levi sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I grabbed your arms." I felt the need to explain, feeling queasy. "Tendons, muscles, veins, I don't know. I don't remember. Technically I don't even know how I 'felt' them especially since I think you had the uniform on. Maybe your wrists. I didn't... particularly enjoy that sensation. It was grotesque."

He paused, then nodded. "Now?"

"I don't know." I told him.

Then I glanced away, letting myself feel the waves of relentless unease. He shifted. I wondered how much time passed.

"I won't explain more, but-" There was a slight pause as Levi probably waited for me to look at him. I didn't. He sighed and continued. "It was out of necessity. To say the least, I have many qualms about touching a child who'd just expelled herself from a titan's stomach. I don't know whether the river water, which I've seen people piss in, is much better. I restrained you to restrain you, and my intention was not to cause discomfort on your part."

"I didn't think that. I don't blame you." I said, recognising his reasoning and half-apology, but it tasted like a lie on my tongue.

I frowned. It wasn't a lie though.

"I don't blame you." I repeated. "I think I'm feeling unreasonable quantities of irrational fear and repulsion. Do you use the word 'phobia' here? Like that. Right now I'm doubting my own sanity. I feel very sane, mind you. I feel very in control until from my peripheral vision, I see my hands shaking like I'm in withdrawal."

Levi slowly repeated, "'Withdrawal'."

I thought for a moment. Syringes didn't exist- at least within the Walls. No, but drugs definitely still did. And this was humanity, so addictions definitely existed.

"I didn't exactly live in the shining, love-filled streets of Shiganshina for the entirety of my life." I offered him a thumbs up.

Now he looked openly confused. Fuck, wasn't thumbs up a modern-er thing?

I awkwardly brought my thumb to my mouth to pick at my lip.

"I see." Levi gave me a strange look. He most certainly did not 'see'. "What's 'apoptosis'?"

"Oh!" I laughed. "Haha, just a funny word I heard around. Isn't it so fun to say?"

"...I don't think I'd be opposed to Hange dissecting you." Levi muttered.

"Oh," I exclaimed again, ignoring the discomfort at the prospect of engaging with more of these people. "H... Hange's interested in titans right? I have titan notes. I find them interesting."

"For fuck's sake... Stop picking on your mouth." He put a hand on his hip and considered me. I ignored him. It was actually pretty comforting. "I was going to ask Hange to come sooner or later anyway. But, just letting you know: Petra's coming in a bit again."

Two in one day. Well, half a day.

Then there was silence and Levi waited for my reaction. I felt a slight burst of pain and swore when my thumb came back bloody. I licked at it. Levi shot me a disapproving look.

"Filthy." He muttered.

"Okay." I said, ignoring the comment. Then added with a pompous tone: "I'll dress accordingly."

I didn't dress accordingly. Couldn't be bothered. And I liked to lie and be annoying to Levi.

Petra came the next hour, bearing gifts as usual.

She doesn't leave immediately like she'd done before because I tell her-

"You're too nice." As she offers me a similar boater hat that I'd once worn, and her soft smile widens into something truer.

It strikes me again: how times had changed. I stared at it. That hat I had before... I don't remember what happened to it. Was it still at Shiganshina? It'll be there for so long that it'll be gone before I find it. Just like the remains of the people I knew. I have to swallow heavily at that thought.

The texture is slightly different, and it's not worn like the way mine was. The ribbon had no fraying and it was slightly paler than my old one. Further from the 'rouge' that gave birth to my ridiculous name. I didn't even like those colours: pink or red. I didn't know how 'I' came to be this way.

There's an embroidered K.R. on it, and I wondered if she'd got it custom-made, or if she'd made it herself.

Either way, the implications are overwhelming, but I couldn't be ungrateful to her kindness. I couldn't not feel a welling sense of melancholy and affection.

So to Petra, because it's Petra, I can tell her: "thank you." And I can only hope that my bone-deep sincerity is shown in those two words, because she's really done a lot for me.

For some kid she barely knows.

And it hurts to think that I might be able to get through the death of my home with her kindness. It still hurts that someone was willing to do this for me.

The smile that graces her face is far too bright and joyous for me to comprehend, but it overshadows the nauseous feeling of touch as her hand, squeezing mine, lingers for a moment longer. It doesn't feel nauseous. It's warm and firm, and it stings my chest and my eyes.

"You mean a lot to me, Kira. This much is nothing."

I look away from her eyes because they're too sincere, too kind, and it touches a part of me that's been buried even a lifetime away.

"You deserve to be happy," Petra's hand squeezes mine again, and her voice is painfully quiet, painfully soft. "Okay?"

I frown and shake my head as my eyes sting freshly and my vision blurs more than it had. I shook my head and pulled my hand from hers to rub at my eyes- and the tears, pouring down my face.

I can barely stop the sounds scratching at my throat, and I can't stop the shaking of my shoulders, the shudders of my uneven breaths.

Petra makes a low, pained noise and slowly collects me into a light embrace that tightens at my lack of rejection.

It's just because it's warm. It's just because Petra's torso can hide my tears better than my hands can. It's just because, with no one to look at me, I can let my face crease with upset in a way I'd never let myself even in the quiet of my room.

I'd long since determined the uselessness of tears. Even if it was some form of emotional release, I'd rather just hide it away deep in the corners of my mind.

I can feel her light breath on my head and the firm circles she rubs on my back and the beating of her heart that's somehow more soothing than eerie, and it's almost like she coaxes the sobs out of me for what feels like ages until I was just resting my forehead against her sternum, breathing deeply in drowsiness.

"Sorry for 'efore."

"Hm?"

"For, uh..." Bathroom. Did I scream at Petra? Either way, I didn't recall reacting nicely.

She laughed and it jostled me lightly. "What are you saying, Kira? I don't know what it is to forgive, but I'll forgive you nonetheless. Drink some water now."

I sipped at the glass that Petra presses to my mouth and promptly fell asleep.

"You're not needed."

Hange blinked at Levi a few times. "Huh?"

"I said you're not needed."

"Hey, be for real. What do you mean-"

Levi put his hands on his hips. "You're not needed. Bye. Hange."

He shut the door and ignored the angry shriek on the other side of it.

Notes:

you should know: levi had taken half a step into this kira-crying situation before he was resolved to walk right out of his own house. petra mimed drinking water at him and he begrudgingly went and filled up a glass of water which is what petra ended up feeding to kira.

just letting yall know i barely edited this and after skimming it, it lowkey doesn't make sense to me but who caressss- i'm caring more abt my incoming tests tbh AHAHAHAHAH :'D

Chapter 14: II. counting up

Notes:

this is all very brief but look, . i have no justification. but anyway final exams are violently swerving and coming for my head. i am VERY stressed to say the least. enjoy this morsel cuz there might not be an update for a while. (i ahve some prewritten still tho so)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 14

- counting up -

I actually did get dressed for my meeting with Hange though.

The clothes Petra had amassed for me throughout her visits certainly fit the aesthetic I'd donned in this life. It was very too nice of her. Long beige pink skirt, large cream turtleneck, tucked in the waist. Luckily I still had my boots- thoroughly washed, thank the Walls, and my satchel. They'd gone through hell with me and was now part of my soul and identity.

I walked towards my bedroom door and it is around this time when I realised my vision was slightly compromised. I kept waiting for it to clear up, but it never did. My vision worsened just the slightest bit.

It was annoying, but I should be grateful because it could've been a lot worse. If the titan's stomach acid was like a human's...

I clenched my eyes shut quickly as I remember the feeling of submerging myself within the scalding liquid. I could've been blinded.

Well, I could've died. So many times. It was sheer, dumb luck I even survived. My tenacity and my willpower didn't really mean much in the end. I knew I'd gotten lucky too many times.

Even back at Shiganshina, when-

Or, well, perhaps I should ignore it.

I should put it all behind me to dissect later. I had better things to do. Like talking to Hange. Hange was literally so cool. They would literally be my study buddy. Or teacher, considering my age. Or- maybe just strangers. Just look at the way I responded to Levi. It was nothing like I'd ever imagined- if I had imagined it in the past. He'd adopted a parental role, which was almost hilarious considering I was mentally quite old.

...But, how old? I frowned. I wondered. How old was I? Six. That figure popped into my head. That was wrong. I was at least... fifteen, sixteen? Or, had I been an adult?

I don't know.

There was a sharp thud at the door and I snapped my eyes open.

Before sight even registered to me, I'd guestimated the body positioning of the intruder instinctively and flipped my weapon on hand- and plunged the sharp end into-

"I knocked." Fingers around my wrist. Gargled sounds. Exposed elbow. Exposed ribs. Three free limbs. My left hand grabbed at the hand by my right, and-

And my vision blurred for a moment as I was spun around.

A right elbow pressed lightly against my neck. Loose headlock. Legs were free, but I was unbalanced and now, airborne-

Wait. I blinked. I wriggled my hands and kicked my legs a bit.

"I did knock." A voice behind me, right above my head, muttered with a vague tone of exasperation.

"Let me down." I said, gearing myself up for a very nasty back heel kick to Levi's shins.

"What a nice apology." He scoffed, but set me down before I could deliver it, eyeing me carefully as I patted down my body and smoothed out the wrinkles. The phantoms of his touch lingered.

Then his gaze transitioned into one of distaste. "I told you not to use your pen as a weapon. I'll give you chalk to work with if you try that one more time."

"I'll shove it down your throat, worm arms." I replied, wondering if chalk even existed. I really needed to brush up on my history. Although it's a moot point now. "Did you even knock?"

Levi's default angry scowl deepened more. "I did. Need new ears, mouthy little shit?"

"I need new eyes." I told him, opening my eyes really widely to make my point. "I think it's gotten a lil bad."

"What?" Levi crouched down, staring closely at my face. "You only thought to tell me now? Hange, get in. She probably won't get stab-happy again."

"'Probably' is the key word." I told Hange, who'd also widened their eyes, but in curiosity, lingering just behind Levi.

After gauging me for a bit, Hange took two large steps towards me and knelt down. "Hello, do you remember me? I'm Hange Zoë with the two dots above the 'e'. Do you mind if I touch your face? I am going to touch your face. And then can I read your notebook? Also 'worm arms'?"

"Uh." I twitched as cool fingers grasped my chin and tilted it up towards the natural light. "It's um, 'worm arms, open bracket, derogatory, close bracket'."

Good news was that I didn't appear to be freaking out. I glanced at my hands and, yep, they weren't shaking. My heart rate seemed normal. Breathing was natural.

Huh. Alright then, I guess I'm calm about this.

"And ah, yeah, okay. I've got sick titan notes. Dissected a few. Very cool."

Hange let out a noise like a kettle. Levi made a noise of disgust and palmed his forehead.

"Anyway, you should get this checked. Lucky it doesn't seem to be an injury. Although they're a little redder than usual. You been crying? Or rubbing your eyes too hard? You're not blind blind right? Acute myopia? Maybe caused by ocular inflammation?"

"Probably." I blinked slowly, glancing at Hange's laser-focused eyes. They were slightly unnerving. But this time it might not even be a 'me' thing, but a 'Hange' thing. "Do I get glasses?"

I felt my nose scrunch up at my own suggestion. Glasses? That was not ideal. Would I even look cute in glasses? I was so young as well.

Their fingers released my face. I rubbed the sensation of it off with my palm. Levi stared at me. Stared at Hange, who nodded slowly. He sighed. "Guess I'm gonna book an appointment for that. Am I your dad or something? Fuck's sake... Have a nice talk, titan nerds."

"Farewell father." I told him in a mock serious tone. Hange laughed.

"My stuff is in the other room. On the table that Levi will definitely tell you to clean after I leave." Hange slowly walked out, guiding me to another room.

There was an oddly considerate way of their talking- Very subtly... casual. No mention of mental wellness, nothing that slipped outside of necessary talk. No visible wariness or caution. Firm and self-assured in actions. Very normal.

I felt myself fidget a bit at the more open area. I glanced behind me. Then I followed Hange, who sat down in the seat next to the one closest to the exit. I sat down in that seat. Easy exit for escape, but also meant I was prone to a pincer attack, to borrow a militaristic term.

"Okay, now can I read it please please please, I am willing to pay for this and I'm even thinking maybe I should do an illegal thing and run unarmed into the outside world so I can dissect titans too because Levi always drags me away before I can do something fun-"

I laughed, surprised by the lightness of the feeling. "I should probably rewrite all of them more neatly. I have brain dumps at the back, but I have them scattered around my other entries as well."

"'Entries'?" Hange echoed.

"Journal entries." I confirmed. "Although-" I stared at the patch of wall over Hange's shoulder as I thought of what to say. Now that I think about it: Levi had a pretty decent place, or he'd cleaned it up real good- and not just in the hygienic sense.

Anyway, what did I say again?

'Although'... Although what? I swore a bit in my head.

"What were we talking about again?" I asked them.

"Journal entries." Hange promptly supplied.

"Oh yeah, well I don't promise the coherency of it." I stared at the cover for a bit then handed it to them. They tentatively reached for it and I pulled my hand back.

Huh.

I was just another corpse as well. I remembered writing, and think that it's a little too close to my heart for Hange to read.

"Never mind. I'll just tell you what I found out about." I told them.

"Alright, works for me!" Hange bobbed their head eagerly. "So, first off, how'd you actually do the dissections? D-"

"Got you in for tomorrow." Levi eyed me as I lied, flopped starfish onto my bed.

I felt drained. Drained.

Me. Who has never experienced an ounce of genuine social anxiety. Me.

I didn't want to speak. I didn't want to think.

"For your eyes." He clarified.

"...That quick?" I said. Then I cursed at myself for not just staying silent until Levi muttered something about rude children and left.

"Yes. I'm good at persuading." He said evenly. Then he shut the door.

Why was I even worried about him?

I mildly cheered hurray in my head for the lack of needing to converse and then slept.

I didn't think this through.

I stood at the door, dressed and ready. Well, not ready. Not mentally at least.

I wanted to ask my subconscious how I dared to step outside before, even if it was to escape Petra's father, whom I disliked as much as he disliked me. Not that I could blame him.

I was not fit at that time, both mentally and physically. I'd just be a nuisance and an extra mouth to feed. Plus, a child under a young woman like Petra's care would give way to potential rumours. I don't blame him, but also, I can totally dislike him.

Levi leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms. Was that his favourite pose or something?

I waited for him to ask me whether or not I should go tomorrow. That he could postpone this.

He stayed silent.

Well. It's not really a big deal. I dealt with Hange fine, even if it was Hange.

A passerby gave me a cursory glance and- eyes- I felt my body physically displace itself as I flinched back, stumbling over my feet.

I bit down the fierce sense of frustration that washed over me all at once and levelled my breathing. I'll just do something humiliating. Like hold Levi's hand and watch him cringe and reluctantly tell me to first go wash my hands with soap-

I swallowed thickly and shuffled awkwardly about the door. Do I... ask- or something? I glanced up at him and then glanced down. I reached a shaky hand towards his sleeve and glanced up at him again.

When Levi just stared blankly, I made a grabby motion with my other hand and- aha, that constipated look graced his features as he huffed and nodded curtly.

Then he picked me up.

Wait. What.

I let out a gargled scream and pushed my palm against his face.

"The fuck? Get your gross hand off my face, you little shit." Levi hissed, jerking his head away. I numbly put my hand down and sank into his hold, squeezing my eyes shut as he started to move.

This was actually better, probably.

The sound of heartbeats weren't as weird and it was preferable over the clamour in the background- around me. The back of my head felt disturbingly vulnerable and I turned my head further in towards his neck.

Luckily soldiers had connections everywhere because death is omnipresent and equal, so I'd been appointed to a former soldier who let Levi fiddle around with the whole thing instead of having some rando pulling at my eyelids. The long suffering look on Levi's face made up for any discomfort.

All in all. It could've gone worse.

It was still really bad and I hated it. So I burst into tears as soon as Levi let me down upon return.

"No..." Levi groaned. "You stupid-"

"Fuck off," I sniffed, scrubbing at my face, feeling my shoulders shake uncontrollably. "You suck."

I saw him crouch before me and mechanically pry my fists away from my face.

"I swear, if you fuck up your eyes even more with all that rubbing, I'll give you a piece of my mind. Hear me?" He placed his hands around my face and swiped his thumbs underneath my eyes. "And watch your damn mouth."

I furrowed my brows angrily, hiccuping. "You're such a mean- a mean asswipe."

"Cute." Levi snorted, pinching at a cheek. He said it with all the badly disguised mockery he had. Bastard.

I swung at him. "You're ugly!"

"Yes, yes. Let it all out. I've got drinking water to spare." He tilted his head to the side, letting it brush harmlessly past him. He grabbed at one of the fifty handkerchiefs he seemed to always have and wiped my nose.

"This is s-so embarrassing." I informed him between sobs. It was like after breaking down in front of Petra, something had cracked and now I had like zero control over my reactions.

I felt light-headed, dizzy, cold, hot and weak. My eyes burnt, my nose was runny, my mouth hurt.

I hated the feeling of crying so much.

"It's just- I hate it so much."

The way my body and mind was now. How it was hard to do things that were so easy before.

Walk through the door. Look at people. Smile, talk, breathe. Live.

"Why is it so- so hard to be normal?" I gritted my teeth, hating the way my voice cracked. "It's so frustrating."

And I cursed at myself for this admission. This useless admission. Because in the end, this was just complaining.

"I hate it. I hate it."

How I remembered, after all that time, what it meant to lose Shiganshina. What it meant to lose Wall Maria.

What it meant for humanity. What it meant for Petra and Eld. What it meant for Armin, Mikasa and Eren. What it meant for everyone, whether they mattered to me or not, whether they died or were just scarred.

I hated this world. I hated that I came into it. I hated that I survived. And I hated myself for thinking that. In the end, wasn't this all just suffering?

"I hate this." And in the end, this entire spiel and breakdown was just useless complaints. "I'm sorry."

"You are a literal foetus." He drawled, pushing my hair back from my face. "I am not going to judge you or blame you on anything you do, mouthy smartass or otherwise."

But Levi, harsh, honest, cold Levi, continued to wipe at my tears and did not call these complaints.

"Just cry. You are a child."

-Wall Rose: refugee camp-

"Apparently some kid from Shiganshina was rescued from the latest expedition."

"What." Armin whispered to himself as he slowed to a halt.

"What?" The Garrison soldier glanced at the other. "Are you drunk?"

"I wish. Hannes bought a copy of the newspaper recently, surprisingly, and we all took a glimpse at it. Civilians are all talking bout it too. This kid is like, six or something-"

Notes:

yeah, u guys won't be hearing about those titan notes cuz i have zero braincells for that rn

kira's just gonna be crying left and right now and levi's gonna eat his words.

Chapter 15: III. counting up

Notes:

headcanon: eren only uses the dictionary to find words that relate to the word 'capture' 'imprisonment' etc to make convincing arguments abt freedom

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 15

- counting up -

-Year 845: Month 10-

Eren was silent and still. Mikasa was deathly pale. Armin was curled into a ball, shivering and trying not to cry too loudly.

"What do you mean... you left-" Armin clamped a hand over his mouth, muffling the sob that wracked his body.

Eren slowly sat down besides Armin, eyes wide with shock. "I- I'd thought K-Kira would've already gotten on board... She wasn't far from the boat. I don't... I think- Maybe... Kira was making sure we were safe. She was- She was- She had appeared at our place just as that titan- killed M-Mum."

"And you just..."

"I..."

After a tense silence, Armin gripped his head with a frustrated noise, "No. No. No, it's okay, Eren. You did wh-what you had to do to survive. We're weak. We can't defeat titans. You- Don't you feel guilty about this. I left you guys as well. I have no right to speak."

"It was Hannes." Mikasa interrupted, voice deathly cold. "Kira is fast. Kira is as fast as me. As smart as me. If- If only-"

"Mikasa, stop!" Armin cried out, quieting his voice immediately after. "There's no use in contemplating what could have happened! What happened did. There's no use in mourning someone's d-death more just because-"

'Just because you might've been able to prevent it.'

'Just because you think you caused it.'

They're silent after that.

"She might not be." Mikasa quietly suggested, "She might've gotten on afterwards. There's so many kids here. Maybe she's..."

After twenty minutes of searching, they decide its too hard with how full the boat is.

"Once we get off." They promised each other, and waited at the harbour until the last trickled out and the Garrison soldiers herded them towards the rest of the refugees.

"There's no one on there!" The soldier yelled at them, annoyed, shooing the three of them out.

"Just wait a bit, you lazy old fart!" Eren yelled back. "We're looking for-"

"Shut up." He interrupted, voice icy. "Whoever you're waiting for, they're dead. Dead in Shiganshina. Dead in Maria. Don't throw a tantrum and be grateful you're at least alive."

They look for Kira amongst the refugees. They're grouped roughly by ages. There aren't many children who are younger than them, but they could not believe that Kira would not survive when these people did.

There's a boy crying for her mother. There's a girl rocking herself in a ball on the floor, thumb in mouth. There is no Kira.

"She's stronger than them. Better!" Eren angrily told them as they cycled through the people for the fourth time. "How can they be here if Kira isn't?"

"It's unfair." They'd agreed one night.

And Eren vowed to kill all titans.

-Present-

"But... they said the kid was a 'he'. A male."

"I bet they messed it up because Kira's like a mini gorilla. She's so aggressive and violent and rude."

"Eren."

"Sorry..."

"Do you think it's her, Armin?"

"The ages are the same. ...I... I'm not sure."

"We have to find out."

"What do you mean?"

"We'll just ask the soldiers-"

"What? We can't do that-"

Levi can't really identify the feeling he has when he's faced with a trio of dirty and determined-looking brats, staring up at him. Who the fuck.

"So it's you children causing all this ruckus." He drawled, eyeing them sceptically. There'd been a few other incidents, but this was the first time actual children came up to the headquarters and persisted enough for him to be actually called.

Apparently they've been here since morning. It was well into the afternoon, by the look of the sun.

"Where's Kira?" The one in the middle demanded.

Levi stilled carefully at the name drop. It looked like they really were Kira's... associates.

The blonde one winced slightly and hissed- "Eren, I said let me do the talking!" He straightened and stared shakily up at Levi. "She's an acquaintance of ours. Kik- Kira Rouge? We- We're friends. The four of us. Can we see her?"

Levi stared for a little longer. He remembered trembling words and a voice full of desperation and then-

Then he said: "No."

"Why not?!" The one in the middle burst out angrily. "She's one of us! Are you detaining her or something?! To think the soldiers who are meant to represent the freedom of humanity would swoop to the lows of incarcerating fellow humans! How dare you-"

"Alright-" Levi cut in annoyedly, watching with exasperation as the expression on Angry flipped like a switch.

"Yes!"

"I mean to say: alright, you annoying little shit, here's the first and last time I'm going to lay it out to you like this." He said flatly. "I don't know what delusions you're under, but the child we found has no relation to you or anyone else whatsoever-"

"She's an orphan from a dead town: of course you're not finding anything! We know her better than your stupid background checks!"

Okay then, so they're closer than Levi had assumed. Although, they'd have to be pretty close since they've waited here for hours.

But.

There must be a definite reason why Kira had not asked to look for them. Even if it was impossibly hard to rummage through the thousands of refugees, it was strange that she had not even asked or mentioned them.

"Audacious brat." Levi muttered with a curled lip.

Honestly: if it was a typical Military Police soldier or even some particularly cranky Garrison, this kid would've been punted into the building a street down. Those soldiers always had a particular temper with civilians. Levi was feeling the urge himself.

"Listen, she is under my guardianship and letting in a bunch of filthy children like you three into the headquarters or wherever else she may be kept in is simply improper and stupid. I don't know who you are and I don't care. Stop disturbing the soldiers and go conserve your energy for something else."

"I'm Eren Yeager."

"I said I don't care."

"Mikasa Ackerman."

Levi's jaw tightened.

"A... Armin Arlet... Sir."

"You crazy little shits," Levi pinched the bridge of his nose. He swears children nowadays will drive him to an early death. "My mind isn't changing just cuz you told me your names. Go home."

"Home's gone." Angry hissed. "Shiganshina is gone. You can't keep us from her. She's our friend."

"It is fully within my legal right to." Levi replied monotonously. "Alright, seriously. Go back. You're making my life difficult."

"We know she's not dead." Scarf muttered spitefully. "We knew as soon as we heard about it."

"There's plenty of talented individuals who die prematurely." Levi stared coldly down at them. "You're talking to a Survey Corps captain, children."

Finally, they're silent.

"...You're all bluffing." Blonde started quietly.

Levi shifted his stare onto him, acknowledging his unwavering eyes. They were almost unsettling, prying into his with a calculative glint that he's seen only in some eyes before. Like a visual dissection, a dehumanisation of a person into manner and movement.

Disgusting. What sort of child has those kind of eyes?

"Word said that the child the Survey Corps found was male, if gender was even implied. Yet, you confirmed she was female."

Levi wanted to massage his temples.

"Besides, it was strange how ambiguous the stories were. We were only given an age and a false gender, and some short tale about the child's return with not enough substance to determine its truthfulness. You're just stalling for something."

"Observations you might have, however convoluted they are... They're pretty meaningless in the end. Go back."

"Why has there yet to be a solid public statement provided? A political conflict?" Arlet pressed. "What precarious situation is there? Was there something about her identity that prevents an official release? Is she being charged for her activities in Shiganshina? Was there something that the nobles desired from her? Is she alright? Or maybe, it's not even that-"

"Aren't you, like, five?"

"Ten." He answered quickly.

"Wow." He intoned flatly.

"You have to tell us though- Is she- alive?" Arlet asked desperately. "Why would you be so obscure with the public knowledge? Is she in a coma? Is she alright? Is her life secured?"

This was starting to get a little hard for Levi. He did not expect to face this sort of kid. Even adults were easier to manage than smartasses like these. At most he should first ask Kira before divulging anything. If only these brats weren't so fucking persistent.

Levi waited until he ran out of fuel and ignored all of his questions. "Go drink some milk. I have work to get to."

At the crestfallen look on Arlet's face, Levi knew that he knew it was over for now. "At least- At least tell her we came!"

"Milk is expensive." Scarf told him in that flat, weird, almost comically creepy kid voice.

"Armin, we can't give up now!" Angry yelled. "I'll follow you back to wherever the fuck you live! Wherever the fuck you kept Kira! I'll sit in front of your crusty door for the rest of the day! I swear!"

"Then sit." Levi replied, wondering how ten year olds cussed so much. Then again, there was six year old Kira.

"I want to see Hannes." I told Levi two weeks after my eye appointment.

I fiddled with the lens of my one week new glasses now, still trying to get it to sit in a way that looked straight. Either they didn't fit it well, or my nose was crooked, but the glasses sat slightly slanted on my face. Petra had just said it was cute which wasn't especially helpful. They actually made me look old.

They were oval glasses with no frames, but a silver nose bridge and temples.

I met Eld as well, which took me back. He'd been the first canon character I met, if I could recall correctly. He was also the one who gave me my name, in a roundabout way.

Levi stared at me, spatula held up so the oil wouldn't drip onto the floor. After a few seconds, the sizzling besides him intensified and he turned back to the stove. "You want to go to the headquarters?"

I hesitated. "I suppose so."

"Do you think you can do it?"

"I mean..." There was definitely that all-encompassing, daunting fear that hung over me like a tsunami whenever I thought about it. However. "I guess so. I'm getting bored and I feel bad that everyone keeps visiting."

I also felt bad that Levi had to deal with all those people. Once again, I wondered why it was him who had my official guardianship.

"The Survey Corps don't typically have that much work to do." Levi snorted. "Believe it or not, your existence is enough result for a good while."

I stared blankly at him for a bit. Then I-

"Aww, pooh." I blew up my cheeks and poked an index into my inflated cheek in a disgustingly overly cute aegyo manner. "Just for me?"

He grimaced and wrinkled his nose. I grinned, dropping the act with a mental gag. He rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes."

Petra had said that acting nauseously cute had once incapacitated him. I was merely testing the theory and enjoying his suffering. It was revenge from whenever Levi'd make a disgusted expression seeing Petra interact with me.

While I was personally not a huge fan of Petra's level of emotional intimacy, I was a fan of Levi's discomfort, so it cancelled out. Schadenfreude, if you will.

"But still. You and the Commander have been holding off on the journalists for a while now, right?" I considered. "Even I'm starting to feel a bit bad. It's not like I have no sense of responsibility."

"You're an infant."

I frowned. "I'm six."

He made a face and spoke in a mocking tone, "You're six."

I made a face back and admitted, "Fine, that wasn't a good point to make. Still. I gotta progress somehow, right?"

"...Alright then." He shrugged. "Just don't go for his head."

"I'm not going to attack-"

Levi slapped me over the head and I slowly rose from my fight or flight stance. I shot him a look. It was just instinctual!

He pointedly glanced at the pencil in my hand, wielded like a knife. I wrinkled my nose and adjusted my hand grip.

"You." He addressed Hannes. "Your job is to stand there. Don't move. Don't talk. Don't do anything."

"That's funny." I told Levi as I slowly unclenched my hands.

I wondered what the fuck was wrong with me. It felt like every single nerve was screaming at me to run. Or to kill him. And my blood was pumping, my skin was itching and I looked at Hannes and felt-

"Levi."

"What."

"Levi." I said again, realising I didn't actually say his name a whole lot. It was usually 'worm arms' or something. "I don't like this."

"You wanna go then?"

"...No." I shifted, pressing myself against Levi's side, eyeing Hannes while he awkwardly stood there.

I stared at Hannes. His hair. His face. His eyes. I blinked. Squeezed my eyes shut. His eyes. His uniform. His hands.

The last time I saw Hannes, he looked the exact same, except his back was turned to me and his head had been ducked in shame. I hadn't seen his eyes when I'd last saw him.

He'd been running. Away from the titan. The titan who was with me.

Away from me.

"I don't like Hannes." I said, but it doesn't come out like normally. It's a hushed whisper, like an admission of guilt. It sounds weak.

"I could tell."

I frowned and pressed my fist against my mouth. "How?" I muffled.

"You said..." Levi trailed off slightly. I couldn't see the expression on his face, but there was a pause. "That he left you in Shiganshina."

"That wasn't his fault." I told Levi, but still watched Hannes.

I watched his expression, how it creased in guilt, how his eyes avoided mine. I did not blame him.

"I know that. Garrison soldiers were simply incompetent. Humanity was not well-equipped to face titans, much less while intoxicated."

"You are six years old."

"You keep saying that." I cut in annoyedly.

"Because it's very relevant and you keep ignoring that." He replied with a hard tone. "You are and you were six years old when titans broke the wall and your home was destroyed and the people you knew were dying. You were six when Hannes, presumably, left you for the dead."

"His hands were full." I said, but my mouth felt uncomfortably full, like there was cotton stuffed into it, so it was hard to articulate. "And I survived anyway."

"It was his responsibility." Levi said. "He was an adult and a soldier. It was his duty. It was what he signed up for."

"He didn't know."

"It was his duty." Levi continued in a harsh voice. "You are a civilian. You are a child. Yet someone who owes you a duty of care left you to certain death. You absolutely have a right to hate him."

I pushed myself harder into Levi's side. He didn't budge, but put his hand on my head.

"I don't hate him." I said quietly.

It tasted like a lie. I watch Hannes's expression crease further.

"You're lying." Levi said to me.

I shifted uncomfortably. "Do you hate him?"

Levi's hand twitched and he followed the motion to finger comb a side of my hair. "...Professionally, I understand his situation and don't wish him any harm."

His hand settled back onto the crown of my head, heavy and reassuring. "Personally," Levi paused. I kept watching Hannes. "Personally, I dislike him."

"Why?"

And I know I'm demanding so much from these soldiers, who could care so much less about my worries. Levi indulged me anyway.

"Because..." He said slowly, a bit stiffly. "I care about you. So, I don't like him either."

"Oh." I said, and I felt better.

"You wanna go?"

"No." I was still staring at Hannes.

It really, really wasn't his fault. I knew that I shouldn't blame him. He was put in a bad position.

It was already admirable that he went to check on Carla. Saving Eren and Mikasa was what really mattered. I knew that.

I knew that that would've happened. All of what I suffered was what I inflicted upon myself. I never expected Hannes to help me. Truly.

Yet.

Facing him, I was trying to feel something beyond what I was thinking. All I could feel was hurt and fear, tired loathing, childish spite. Anger. A lot of anger.

"Hannes." I addressed, watching him flinch, eyes snapping to meet mine. I opened my mouth, not knowing what to ask of him.

"I don't have anything to say." Hannes murmured. "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do to make up for... Eren-"

I recoiled at the name, surprising myself.

Hannes' eyes had widened in surprise as well before he hesitantly continued, "I can't forgive myself for leaving Carla there and for leaving you there... I was just too weak. I can admit it. I was too scared. You're right to hate me. You can hate me. You can spit on me. You can curse me. You can punch me. I'm not going to defend myself."

But he wasn't in the wrong. Why was he saying those things? I twisted my hand into Levi's shirt.

There were no bags under his eyes. Nor exhaustion to his movements. He appeared healthy and his nail beds and lips untouched. He was living fine.

Spitefully, I felt myself thinking: 'He doesn't need my forgiveness.'

He could live with that guilt. So I didn't need to absolve him of it.

I felt myself thinking: 'He can carry the weight of my hatred.'

Because in the end, this all didn't mean much. (And I couldn't find any shred of forgiveness even amongst my cognitive turmoil.)

"I don't like this." I told Levi again, turning away from Hannes at last.

"Let's go."

I nodded, letting him herd me out of the room. Without much prompt now, he hefted me up when I jumped onto his back, arms linking around his neck. I nervously glanced at Levi.

"Say... E-... Eren and..." My eyes shifted to the side. "I have three friends. Do they... They don't..."

Levi didn't answer immediately. I felt my stomach drop.

"I'd ordered Hannes to keep his mouth shut, but the news is already out. Right now, you're basically an open secret. Your identity hasn't been confirmed as well." Levi sighed. "We're actually going to handle that now, since we're here."

"We are?" I asked faintly.

"We are going to talk to Erwin." Levi looked back at me evenly. "You're not going to be forced into doing anything you don't want to do. ...That includes seeing your past acquaintances."

I bit my lip at the sense of guilt bubbling within me. "Okay."

I glanced at the notebook on Erwin's table as he penned something in. He scribbled my name and something under the 8th of December.

It was December already.

Or rather, it was only December. In three days, it would've been the two month anniversary of Shiganshina crumbling.

"Rouge." Erwin finally greeted. "Levi."

"Commander." I said as Levi grunted.

"Glad to see you well."

"Likewise." I folded my hands in my lap, resisting the urge to swing my legs in the serious mood of the room.

"We need to talk about your future plans."

Notes:

levi cringing internally whenever kira does something that causes him any emotion other than irritation or anger:

kira: i don't like this bitch
levi: no shit
kira: wdym no shit?
levi: bitch, u tried to kill him on sight

levi, hyperventilating, having heart palpitations, sweating, jaw tensed, every cell in his body committing apoptosis, mouth foaming: i care *spits out blood* about you *gags, throws up, retches*

so many words YET NOTHING'S HAPPENING-

Chapter 16: I'd honestly rather do physics.

Notes:

guys i totally forgot to update ; might be kinda messy but eh

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 16

- "I'd honestly rather do physics." -

"So," I'd forgone all formalities, swinging my legs as much as I could before I adjusted my position on the chair and let my legs hang over one armrest, lying horizontally on the thing. Erwin's eyebrows didn't go to a frown, so I took it as permission. "Everyone hates me except for the Survey Corps."

"Not exactly." Erwin said carefully.

"She's a six year old." Levi provided dryly. "What did you expect from her?"

I immediately sat up, grabbing onto the back of the chair to not fall and shot Levi a scowl. "I understood perfectly well!"

"Sure thing."

"Rouge." Erwin intercepted before I could roll up my sleeves and throw myself at that bastard. "Listen carefully. You have a choice here."

Not really.

"The nobles favour you." The Commander explained with a caution that suggested finely picked words. "Because you're popular amongst the people and simply spoken, interesting. You have that choice."

"Hate the nobles." I yawned.

Erwin's lips twitched. "It is the only peaceful route you have. Otherwise, you'd be expected to be in dangerous situations. Although being a mercenary will probably get you in more trouble than usual because then the church will have a reason to apprehend you."

"And we don't like the church." I nodded, knowing this bit. Because they were all neurotic bastards who needed cognitive behavioural therapy.

"The church doesn't like you." Erwin corrected, actually smiling a bit now, in amusement. "In the same way the church doesn't like the Survey Corps."

"Fair. Okay, so basically everyone hates me except the Survey Corps."

Levi brought his hand to his face.

I rolled my eyes. "Everyone hates me or wants to use me except the Survey Corps."

"Oh no," Erwin leaned forward, chin propped upon his laced fingers as he stared down at me. "Fully expect to be used in the Survey Corps."

"Here we go again..." Levi groaned.

"You'll be dealing with life or death in each Expedition. If you decide to join the Survey Corps, my primary mission will be to take advantage of your talent and hone you into the most effective human weapon possible."

"Sounds great. I'll join. That was my plan anyway." I shrugged.

Levi provided with a long-suffering tone, "Petra said she had a nihilistic ideation for death."

"I do not!" I denied fervently. They just didn't know that I was meant to be dead. I was just given another life by sheer luck. And now Levi was slandering my name with that-

I groaned as Erwin's gaze turned slightly sadder. "Well, as your Commander, I can only hope that your will is strong enough to fight in the temptation of death. If you were to become a soldier, it's your duty to live and fight and die for a cause, not for your own self. Although your record so far brings me confidence of your perseverance."

I shot Levi an annoyed look. He crossed his arms and stared back with an arched brow. I huffed.

"Well case closed then. I'll join the Survey Corps. So do I train or what? Like the spiderman flying around shit."

"The gear is most definitely too small for you." Levi interrupted. "And it puts a strain on your joints, considering it's high speed movement. And don't swear."

I stuck my tongue out.

"How mature." He scorned.

Then I registered his words and paused. If it was so fast that Levi was telling me this, then... how did I even manage to survive so far on my feet? Then again, I remember there were lots of deaths caused by the gear itself being a hindrance.

Maybe I really had awakened. I'd need to figure that out sooner or later. If it was the Paths, then I'd be eager to see if I could get in touch with that place again.

"Levi's correct. Although we can get them custom-made, I won't be letting you actually use the gear as it might cause chronic damage to your body and impair physical development." Erwin shifted some piles of paper on his desk and skimmed over a small file of papers. "The rough checklist I have now is physical endurance, strength and mobility training, hand to hand, weapon wielding, increasing airborne compatibility and your textbook knowledge."

I paused. "You're gonna... tutor me."

"Hange is." Erwin huffed in something I could analyse and argue to maybe be a half laugh. "They were quite enthusiastic even when I said it'd have to be general knowledge as well. I might leave the politics and more... nuanced topics to someone else, however. Hange has equally small care for that as you do, although they are at least knowingly disregarding it."

"Damn, that seems like a pretty good package deal." I nodded slowly as I processed that. "So it's like boot camp, but for free. You'll shelter and feed me right?"

"Yes, you're officially under Levi's guardianship. Legally and otherwise, and Levi has direct access to the headquarters' funds for you. Even if you're a ward of a Survey Corps member, the final approval comes from higher up." Erwin shifted some more papers. I didn't really get the purpose of all that. Surely there wasn't that much information to navigate. "Since you're a child along with being a special case, you won't need to worry about a lot."

At this point, I didn't know whether to thank my youth or not.

"And the journalist?"

"For your public statement..." Erwin paused. "That's up to you. You'll need to see them, but also, you have no obligation to tell them anything even if they ask. The Survey Corps does not really care for that. They can only write what they want; however, I am able to... persuade them to refrain from certain word choices, of course."

That was reassuring. The Commander of the Survey Corps said he was willing to threaten the paps for me.

"I-" How old were Eren, Mikasa and Armin now? Ten? They joined as soon as they could which was two years later at twelve years old. "Is it possible for me to officially join the cadets ahead of the recruitment age?"

Erwin raised an eyebrow at the sudden change of topic. "...What age are you thinking?"

"Um." I looked away and felt sheepish despite myself. "Eight?"

"Absolutely not." Levi shut down immediately.

Okay, I expected a 'no', but not that intensely. "What- Why?"

He sent me a warning look, "I don't even know where to start. You'll be surrounded by no few cocky, self-centred twelve to fifteen year old teenagers. What do you think they'll do if they see a little pipsqueak like you?"

"I've beaten up kids twice my size before!" I argued with a frown.

"I know you can, you aggressive little shit." He massaged his temples. "But you're looking for camaraderie in the Survey Corps. Which is hard when there's randomly a child in the troops. They'll have to look down to see you."

"Bold of you to talk about camaraderie with that perpetual stick up your ass-"

"Rouge," Erwin's smile was now considered unprofessional and straight up amused. "By that point, I'd assume you would be ahead of majority of the cadets despite being younger- at least knowledge-wise. It would be counterproductive. However, you can begin using the gear at twelve if you wish to enter the fields early. I'd expect you to be adequate with manoeuvring before you're thirteen."

"Make that eleven." I worried my lower lip. That would be when the others are fifteen. The training period was three before they were sent out to be actual soldiers. Eren's blabbered so much about them that there was no way I could forget. "Let me start using it when I'm ten. Then I'll get it down by the time I'm eleven."

"We'll have to see about that." Erwin concluded.

"If there's someone you want to meet in the cadets, you can visit them." Levi said, expression unreadable. "You'll always be close to the training fields either way. They're all in the same vague location."

I eyed Levi. He probably knew from Hannes that I had friends.

"So basically I'm getting princess treatment."

"You can have stale bread for dinner."

"Fuck off!"

Levi grabbed the back of my shirt and plucked me from the chair. "Shall I talk to the journalists or have you got it under control?"

"I'll handle it, Levi." Erwin nodded. "I would assume you've got your hands full parenting."

"I'm not parenting... No, yeah, you're right." Levi grumbled as I hung in the air limply, feeling the collar dig into my throat. "I need a raise."

"My name is James and I'm from Furt Newspapers."

...Didn't know and didn't know. He didn't look fat or old, so he probably wasn't that one propaganda journalist from the series, but also it was harder to find a journalist that wasn't biased than was, so I shouldn't take the chance.

"And your name is...?" He prompted.

Plain Jane, this man was. His name was literally James too. In a world where everyone was a plain Jane, this man was a plainer Jane than plain Jane's. It was like I had to expend effort to notice his existence!

"She's zoning out." Levi said before he pinched my cheek.

I watched as the James guy scribbled something down. Damn, even before my name? "Ki-wa Wooj. Lewi, wet gwo."

"Stop wasting daylight."

I rolled my eyes and said, "I'm Kira Rouge. I'm six years old. You can ask me ten questions and if you push me any more, I'll sic Levi on you."

"I'm not your bloody dog."

"Levi is my bloody dog." I said, grinning at Levi's obvious displeasure.

"Erm, alright, so I see you have quite a- an amicable relationship with Captain Levi, your guardian. How would you describe your relationship with him?"

I raised my brows, glancing at Levi. I didn't expect that. Especially after I set that limit with the questions? This kind of news was hardly relevant. Maybe he had to ease in because I was a child?

Then again, a lot could be inferred from this question as well: how did I feel about being a ward of the Survey Corps? Were they holding me against my will? Were they doing anything to make me upset?

"He's my official guardian since I'm an orphan." I shrugged. "He's like my dad. My papa. My daddy. He wuvs me very much."

Levi had full-on paled and I could hear his molars grinding.

I chortled. "I'm joking. Ask another question because we're both too tsundere to talk about relationships."

"...That makes sense." He nodded, despite 100% not knowing what 'tsundere' means because the word doesn't exist here. "Alright then, this is an abrupt switch of topic, but you're here today because you have... survived outside of the secured Walls amongst titans. Could you give insight on how that was achieved?"

"Pure dumb luck, in the end." I said honestly. "I doubt the civilians want specifics about titan functioning, but I'll just talk since it's interesting. Like humans, titans have different traits. The main one I cared about was how quick their metabolism was. If we take their source of energy as being sunlight, some waste it off far faster than others. This means that I have to be really careful with observing titans even after night falls."

"Ah, I only know some basics on how titans work, but from that I can infer that you travelled during the night time then."

"Yeah, although I had many close calls. That's why I call it dumb luck. It just happened to be that titans with those specifically dangerous traits never showed up to see me. At least not often."

"Would you say it's possible for other civilians to do so as well then? You hail from Shiganshina, correct? Which is roughly 100 kilometres from Trost."

"Yeah, well, I don't know. Possibly. If they had my luck, they could, but I also did things I never thought I could- things that seemed purely impossible."

"In a journey that was already considered miraculous, you thought there was something more inconceivable?"

"I got eaten." I smiled, eyes crinkling as I scratched at my neck.

"By-" James glanced up, eyebrows raised. "By a titan?"

"What else could I've been eaten by?" I laughed, "It was a titan who acted like it was pregnant."

"I- I see..." He blinked rapidly, "So, breaking it down: first of all, how did you escape from that situation?"

"There were soldiers in there. Bits of them, I mean." I recalled. "They were fresh corpses, so I figured their blades might've been there too."

I waited for realisation to dawn on his face. It remained in confusion and slight horror.

"So... I swam down to the bottom and tried to find blades amongst the-" Decapitated heads with soft, peeling skin that melted straight off the bone- "The heads."

"I see." James said, voice soft. "And so upon acquiring the soldiers' ultrahard steel blades, you could effectively open the titan's stomach and escape, correct?"

I nodded, not offended by the way he finished my sentence- actually, it was quite relieving.

"My next question was- What exactly did you mean by it seeming 'pregnant'? Was it its stature? Or are you perhaps suggesting that they are capable of reproduction?"

"No, I've dissected some titans and it's functionally impossible for them to reproduce. It was its manner. The way it held its stomach." I spoke carefully. "And it- it spoke to me. Said 'I love you'."

James visibly shuddered at that, brows rising. "An abnormal. That is quite eerie."

I gave a non-committal hum.

"Taking it back a bit, what happened at the beginning? In Shiganshina, what happened that caused you to be left behind there?"

Left behind there. Was that a provocation? Or was it just a careless remark- a careless choice of words, judging by the slightly self-admonishing expression that flickered over his face.

"I was going to check on my... boss." I said slowly. "I had a job. I say that tentatively. He was getting eaten and I... saved him. Then we ran, but he was injured. So... I abandoned him. But I ran straight into another titan who was eating a- a woman I was quite fond of. There were many that I was fond of, but she was probably the closest thing I had to a m- ...other. Mother figure. And I turned and saw-"

Eren screaming, Mikasa flailing, Hannes running and running-

"A Garrison soldier with my friends, running away from me-" I straightened abruptly. "Sorry, the titan. I was with the titan, so they- It- They hopefully made it onto the ship, but while escaping from that titan, I locked myself into a basement. And then... You know."

"So about these friends of yours," James began. "Did you manage to get in touch with them afterwards?"

"No, I'm not planning on seeing them for a while." I paused. I wasn't? Then I realised I lost count of the questions.

"I see. As your guardian is Captain Levi, you'll naturally be busy training within the Survey Corps, correct? To hone your talent?"

"To hone my sheer dumb luck?" I snorted. "But you aren't wrong. I'm with the Survey Corps until I die."

"And was this your... original intention? Did you have some other dream you wished to pursue before this incident?"

"I've always been self-aware of what I meant in this world." I said absently, wondering how to phrase it.

"...What do you mean exactly?"

I could only think of one line. One line that was the truest. I'll repeat it and repeat it until people believe it. Until I accept it. Because I still felt fear and these living emotions. "I'm just another corpse."

There was no other way to describe it. I wasn't meant to live and I was destined to die. There was no point in something like me trying to find meaning in living.

"Dreams are pretty meaningless, but since I've always known and accepted that I was just a functioning flesh bag, I knew the Survey Corps was the path for me."

"Are you implying that the Survey Corps is an easy route to death?"

"No, I'm not suicidal. I'm not going there with suicidal intent. Neither are they, much as I like to joke that. You could even argue the opposite. You never feel more alive than on the brink of death. If we're all going to die, why not die fighting for something? You find the most passionate of figures in the Survey Corps because everyone else is pretty much already dead inside, hollow and trapped and surrendered. I find that pretty meaningless."

Eren would eat that up.

James hummed, "Well, it's been over ten questions- my apologies- but are you alright to answer some more questions? You're quite the fascinating child, I must say. Such a disposition is scarcely found within six year olds; however, a case like yours is unprecedented and I hardly find that to be a mutually exclusive case."

"That's why you didn't freak out when I said there was a limit." I scowled. "You were gonna ask more anyway."

"You are open to decline."

I hesitated. Honestly, the entire ambience was just really calming. It was reminding me more of a therapy session than an interview. It was basically trauma dumping, but with a contention. Alright, I could dig that.

"Okay, but can I set your notebook on fire afterwards?"

"If it pleases you, of course. I'm quite confident in my retention."

"I like Jane." I told Levi as he set me down at the door. "Can we have him?"

"I could tell. You didn't threaten to murder him even once." Levi said dryly.

"Hey!"

"And no, unfortunately that's an adult with his own free will."

"It's out." Levi waved a rolled up newspaper at my face. "They spelt your name wrong. With an extra 'e'."

"Already?" I wrinkled my nose. "It's only been a few days or so. How obsessed are they with a six year old's story?"

"Pretty obsessed. You wanna see it? It's in a strange format."

"Not particularly..." I trailed off. "Also, you know my friends? Can I send them something? Since- I won't be seeing them for a while."

"Sure." Levi nodded curtly. "To the refugee camp?"

"Probably."

"That's fine."

I grimaced. So it really was that easy to find them then. Should I go see them...? Surely I didn't need to. They knew I got back because of the newspapers, but I could also send them a letter or something to apologise?

The three stared at the contents of the package for a full few seconds before they each grabbed at something.

Eren at the largest object- the folded newspaper, Mikasa at the notebook and Armin at the small slip of paper.

"They spelt Kira's name wrong! They spelt it like K-E-I-R-A. Ke-ira. What the hell?"

"This is a letter from her. She... says she's sorry and she won't see us for a while." Armin looked up in horror. "Does this mean Kira's dead?"

"What?" Eren snatched the paper from his hand, abandoning the newspaper. "Hi, I hope you're all alright. I'm sorry for not being with you guys. We won't meet for quite a while and I'm sorry for that. Stay strong. I know you can get through it. I have faith in you three. Until then, Kira Rouge- Hey, that's so not Kira-like! Why does it sound so generic and nice? Why's it so short?"

"What does she mean we won't meet for a while?" Mikasa frowned. "And... this- What's this meant to mean?"

"What?" They all looked at the package again, noticing-

"Why did she send us a lock of her hair?" Armin warbled, high and reedy, gingerly grabbing at the hair, neatly folded and tied in a pink ribbon. "She's dead." He looked skywards then burst into tears. "She's dead, oh my god."

"There's no way!" Eren cried, "There's even an update in the newspapers and all that!"

"Yeah, maybe it was only released now since she died and there's no resistance anymore or whatever! Like corpses won't know or care if their story is launched into public! The title of that is literally 'The Meanders of a Lost Child'- Why did they make it a narrative instead? What were they thinking?"

"She made it to Trost alive." Mikasa murmured. "And this- this is her notebook. Some pages- A lot of pages are ripped out. There's... There's nothing after the 28th day. It's just blank."

"She's dead." Armin buried his face in his hands. "She's dead."

"Why're you being so negative, Armin? This isn't like you!"

"The letter my parents left to me were just like this." Armin sniffed. "They said the same thing. It's vague, it almost seems generic- It leaves you with hope, but nothing concrete..."

"Let's read everything first." Mikasa suggested. "Maybe there'll be more information..."

I left everything with them.

I don't really understand my thought process, but I guess it felt like I was leaving my everything behind to them and starting anew. I owed it to them.

And Petra cut my hair now, so I didn't need to have that long strip of hair at the back. I thought the message I wrote felt pretty stale, so I guess it was an implicit message that it was, in fact, me who sent that parcel. I nodded to myself. It was to assure them of my identity.

Right, and also wasn't it customary to give people one of your belongings in these kinds of situations? Like, 'keep this bracelet for me until I see you again' or something. The only thing was I didn't really have anything apart from that.

Since I didn't know how to explicitly talk about what'd happened, that notebook was full anyway, so it would work to fill them in on what happened. I felt pretty safe telling them everything in there anyway, even if it had pretty ugly thoughts. I kept my titan notes though, and also took out the bit with me attacking Hannes because I didn't want to trigger Eren or whatever.

Maybe I'd tell them in person, when I see them again.

For now, I suppose it was time to tune back into whatever Duvalier was saying.

"Zoning out again, Rouge?" He sighed.

"Duvalier is mid."

"Claude Duvalier is one of the most qualified instructors for military information."

I froze at the unfamiliar voice.

"I got fired." James, the journalist- better said: my past therapist- shrugged as he set up the kettle to boil. "Along with about three others."

My jaw dropped and it transitioned into a grin as I swirled to Levi. "We can have him?"

"In the first place, he used to work as a janitor in the headquarters." Levi sipped at his tea, holding his cup in that psychopathic manner of his. "We can have him."

"Can you learn to hold a cup properly?"

He scowled, "Shut your fucking mouth. There's an entire story behind it."

"I know. Hange told me."

Levi's lips thinned.

"You could hold the actual cup, you know."

"Habit."

"Ah. Fair." Then I turned back to James who was cleaning down the counter even though it probably didn't need it. "How'd you get fired?"

"There was way too much dispute over it." James started with a sigh. "Suddenly the church was up in my face, and then the nobles were shifty... Some of the Military Police appeared and, you know, all that stuff. Since we- or well, the workers at Furt are fast workers, it's pretty easy to alter the information and release it before they stick their nose in it again. We changed it to a story format. Almost fable-like. It's a structure that confuses those who want us to change the information or hide some of it for god knows what propagandist purposes, and fiction is something that satisfies both truth and discretion. In the first place, Furt just likes their entertainment. Hell like we'd let this story get censored for some inane political ideology. Not that I'd have any clue why they disprove of encouraging morale after the Fall of Maria."

"There's definitely something going on." Levi added. "Cuz the church bastards have been more annoying since you've decided to stay with the Survey Corps. I don't even know what they want."

I nodded slowly, mind racing to remember what they did want in the original story.

There had been that one thing that always pissed me off so I remembered it: King Fritz and anyone who inherited his will wanted us to die in atonement. Although I didn't remember who knew about this. Was the church and all the nobility in on this?

"The church are quite expressive in their... admiration of the Walls. And it is illegal to venture outside of it without permission, I believe. Upon first thought, it would be a safety measure, but I suppose all this conspiracy is making me wonder. It is my understanding that the Survey Corps' motive is to find out about the origins of the titans and if any safehold exists outside the Walls. It makes one muse whether or not those exact ardent admirers of the Walls would know anything about it. If they did, there's all sorts of assumptions one could draw from that. It would explain the discord between the church and the Survey Corps, and of course, now you, Rouge."

"And that's why you got fired. A little too smart about this, aren't you?" I offered a sympathetic expression. "Honestly, I'm glad you're not dead, Jane."

"James." He corrected. "Oh, whatever. You aren't wrong. Journalists gossip too- In fact, they love their gossip and it's only so long in the business before you start hearing all sorts of stories that have been kept hidden. On second thought, it was a lie saying I didn't have any clue."

"Oh?" I raised my brows. Even Levi look interested. Who knew he was one to gossip? "Spill the tea."

"Absolutely not." Levi immediately interrupted, setting down his cup.

"It's an expression."

"You aggravate me, child."

"I don't see how this is relevant." I insisted. "I know maths. In fact, this level of maths is surely above my level anyway." Algebra? At this age? Not that it was hard at all.

"You got 'x' mixed up with 'y'." Hange deadpanned.

"Momentary confusion! Why is your 'x' not an 'x'? That's ridiculous." I sputtered. "I hate this language."

"I can tell you do. I'll have you copy out the alphabet a few more times..."

"I'd honestly rather do physics."

Wasn't that more relevant anyway?

Duvalier frowned at the board covered in chicken scratch writing about my titan biology findings and theories. "Why are you intelligent?"

"Thank you." I preened.

"No, this is abnormal." He crossed his arms. "So you didn't cheat on that biology worksheet."

"Good enough?" I huffed loudly, dusting my hands as the fire crackled. "I look crazy, blowing air aggressively on all fours. Like a dog, you know?"

"Get better at it then." Levi crossed his leg, looking bored as I grimaced at the dirt in my hair, starting to mechanically pick out the bark. "Don't bother with that. I'm having you climb trees next."

"I'd honestly rather do physics."

"C-C- Hah, Captain Levi," Oluo gasped. "I refuse to train with that rabid hellion any longer!"

"What did you call me?" I jumped onto his back and slapped a hand over his eyes, tapping the wooden knife to his throat.

"Oh? What is this? Our cute little Kira managed to get you to break your tough-guy character?" Petra grinned.

Oluo pried my fingers off his face. "I signed up for training a little kid-"

"-To feel good about yourself." Petra added. "For bullying a child. Then you got your ass handed to you."

He sputtered, "I did not! She just has ridiculous stamina for a brat! And she fights like an animal!"

"Excuse you? I have plenty of finesse." I frowned.

"You went for my dick!"

"LANGUAGE!" Petra barked.

"You went for my junk!"

"Old habits die hard."

"Captain Levi," Oluo said wearily. "I want sleep."

"Aren't you the best out of us at combat?" Petra flapped her hand. "Letting us down."

"I'd like to see you wrangling this feral thing for two plus hours straight."

"Oluo," Levi finally spoke, filling Oluo with visible, tentative hope. "...Has my training gotten lax?"

Then that hope fell as he slumped in defeat.

Boom. Two years passed. Levi now refuses to pick me up. I came to the realisation that Annie Leonhart killing the Levi Squad meant that Annie Leonhart was responsible and something must be done.

Which meant I now had exactly one motive of focus: kill Annie Leonhart before any of that happens.

Notes:

kira deciding on a gift: hm...
kira looking at her hair: ..yeah, this is perfect!

this was just a dump tbh guys idk what to do w the future... maybe i'll end it about when s1 starts... sorry not sorry guys. i mean like ik canon starts and all, but like... (okay fine maybe i'll rewatch it and see if there's anything to write about.)

in an attempt to defy myself, i added in that last bit about killing annie leonhart and that's her next goal sooo

anyway, hope this update was an. alright update . :D

Chapter 17: reunion

Notes:

you've been spoiled by the title

i wrote this in one go, and it's unedited hahahahah

just letting yall know. i have no plans after this. so i might just end it abruptly . don't be too surprised if i do.. i'm not eager to write a second fic or anything either as a sequel. i kinda want to write about kira tryna get annie killed but also i don't want to go thru each canon event and follow along anymore ...

and i wanna write the conclusion, but that's it. so from here onwards the story might get ruined for u guys, i'm not sure tho. i've lost interest in aot for a while now, that's why .. but i still want to give u guys some sort of ending.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 17

- reunion -

By the time they're twelve, Eren actually has a fighting chance against Mikasa, and Armin against Eren. When they're twelve, they join the cadets and experience training that was not as hellish as the punishments they inflicted on themselves.

When they're twelve, they meet Kira again.

"Stop stalling." Levi grumbled. "Their curfew is pretty soon anyway. Yours is in about two minutes."

"Fuck you." I shrugged.

He narrowed his eyes. "At this rate, you're never going to grow any taller."

"You never grew taller. Don't take it out on me."

His eye twitched and my smirk grew smirkier.

"Just hurry up and knock. I'm leaving now. I'll pick you up in the morning or whatever. Have the first sleepover in your entire miniscule life."

"Huh? I'm not going to stay that long." I raised my brows. "You're leaving? Seriously?"

"I've left." He waved, already ten paces away. "Have fun."

I stood, mouth agape, and stared. "...Fuck you." I called after him. I knew my way back anyway.

After much deliberation, I walked up to the door, hands in my pockets from the night's chill. I at least needed a opening statement as I enter. What should I say to sound cool?

Ah. Two years really felt like nothing much. Yet it was still more than double the amount of time I even knew them.

Mikasa. Armin. Eren.

Would they be upset at me?

Would they even remember me?

Screw it.

Actually, I wasn't even here to see my long time no see friends: I was totally here to check out my future comrades- or those who'll make it. It would definitely be a coincidence if the trio were here. Definitely.

"Dramatic entrance." I announced, kicking the door open.

I stared at Eren and Jean, at the centre of the crowd who all parted slightly to glance at me, the disturbance. The two kids were at each others throats. Literally. Jean was raising a confused brow, anger almost comically dropping from his face. Eren was frozen, arm falling from Jean's collar.

Easily distinguishable because of her amazingness and coolness, Mikasa was still as well, hand poised midair as her eyes widened.

Right next to her, Armin's mouth had fallen agape and he blinked rapidly, first to move as he rubbed his eyes. "Ki- Ki..."

I was sensing a trend going on here.

"Kira?" Mikasa called, quiet, tentative.

"Kira?!" Eren echoed, louder, expression complicated.

I consciously untensed my jaw and realised that I should've tossed a dramatic entrance into the metaphorical bin: this was just painfully awkward. For me.

"I missed you children." I yawned- fake yawned, ignoring the disturbance in the rest of the cadets. Then I paused briefly, swivelling my finger at Eren. "Baby Turd, I told you not to pick fights, you spineless shit!"

"Kira." Mikasa admonished immediately, like an instinct, drowned out by Eren's angry exclamation. But it faltered on the second syllable. I ignored it.

"E... Excuse me, you hypocrite? You're the one who's always picking the fight!"

"Learnt big words now, Baby? Gotta win some fights I guess. Not that you'd win a vocab one!"

"I've gotten stronger now! And don't shorten that gross nickname even more. I can totally beat you-"

"Oh, so I've been gone for a while and you think you're hot shit now?!" I hollered, swinging a fist at him, more violence than any technique.

"What the fuck?!" He cried, dodging the first gazelle punch.

Then the follow up backfist, hook, roundhouse and hook kick. Well, if he couldn't dodge the combo I'd solidly stuck for while sparring with him (beating him up), I'd be disappointed. In fact, I was disappointed at how he still couldn't counter it. Or maybe he was taken off guard. Usually my first swing had less... flair, for a lack of better words.

"Don't fucking swear!" I howled, throwing him over my shoulder as he failed to dodge my inner leg sweep. "Ah, that hit the spot." I sighed contently, the back of my hand swiping at my forehead despite how I didn't break a sweat thrashing that little turd. "Yipee."

"Kira, what..." Mikasa frowned as she walked towards me. She touched my shoulder and narrowed her eyes. She had a pinched expression. "You... Kira, so you were alive. Where have you..."

Armin's mouth was still flapping uselessly. He'd scampered up to me though, grabbing at my arm and staring at me wondrously with wide teary eyes. "Kiki..."

Then Eren broke the atmosphere, mumbling, "This doesn't count... I'm tired from fighting with that jerk..."

"Excuse me?!-" Jean cried in outrage.

"Shut the fuck up!" I screamed at him. Jean's mouth flapped. But he did shut up. So it was a win.

"Kira." There was that one word reprimand. Mikasa's ultimate technique.

"I just felt like screaming at him." I made an innocent expression. "He looks punchable."

Mikasa huffed and offered a hand to Eren. He didn't take it and remained on the floor, desolate-looking. "And does Eren look more punchable than normal? That was quite a throw."

Eren shifted. "...What do you mean 'more'-"

"You can't tell me that was unwarranted." I shrugged, pursing my lips at Mikasa, and pretended her expression was reprimanding when her eyes were instead creased with confusion and a strange gentleness.

It was easy to distract Eren into acting like everything was normal. Mikasa and Armin... much less so.

"I bet Baby Eren was bitching and moaning about getting revenge on the titans and killing all titans and something about having a dream and being cattle or livestock or something."

At Mikasa's slow blink and Armin's eyes sliding away from mine, I knew I was right.

I groaned loudly and exasperatedly, crouching down next to Eren, who was still dramatically lying on the floor, arm splayed over his face.

"Baby Eren." I told him seriously. "Have you been revenge-horny? I knew you would be screaming about 'eradicating all titans'. When I was at Shiganshina, I was thinking about that. I was like 'ugh, I bet Mika and Nerdy Puppy will be too angsty to actually beat some sense into you. I bet you'd relapse into your revenge-horny state.' And I guess I'm right. You even joined the Survey Corps like you said you would."

At his silence, I raised my eyebrows and extended my arms out in a dramatic shrug.

"Come on, I'm prepared to kick some of that ego of yours out. Its overdue for a few years. Come at me with 'em feverish declarations of quixotic ideals-"

I felt myself topple over at Eren's weight and tilted my head to prevent it from banging onto the floor as we both crashed down.

"Urgh. Can't believe that got me." I said with disgust. He even managed to hook my knee to ensure I fell. What a rude little brat. I begrudgingly put my arms around him anyway. "That wasn't an invitation to tackle me. You know you have a height and weight advantage. Are you trying to get me concussed? Speak like an educated little turd, Baby."

As I slowly tried- and failed, because Eren was acting like a limpet- to sit up, Armin decimated my efforts by tackling me as well.

"You came back." Armin said shakily, as if he thought I wouldn't come back.

There was a pause as my brain went blank.

"Aw, are you crying? Fine, I guess I'll let you go because your hair is still floofy and cute." There was a choked sob at my collar. I tried a smile. It came out like an awkward grimace. "Just letting you know you're using up your two years worth of hugs right now-"

"Where were you?" Eren interrupted, voice exhausted. Damn, these twelve year olds. Did I just participate in their tragic backstories? "We thought- After a while, we actually thought you might've-"

"Shit, I just realised this is a bad place to have a reunion." I sighed, glancing around. "Let's go to your fucking, I don't know, cadet bunk beds. Come on. Up ya go."

They didn't let go.

I looked at Mikasa. Mikasa looked away. I scowled.

"Okay fine, the tackle plus strangulation may be adjourned. We shall recommence upon arriving at the destination. Haul your asses. Baby Eren, aren't you ashamed of acting this way in front of that bourgeoisie-looking horse face?"

That did the trick.

I laughed. It sounded like a cackle. "Never change, Baby Eren."

"...I'm not a baby-"

"YOU ARE. A baby."

"Fuh-uck, this is awkward." I sighed.

"I'm sorry." Eren said glumly, and it was with depth. It was about something else. "I really..."

I looked at him.

It was about something else: not the awkwardness, not general guilt, not a word to fill in space, not whatever else it might be. It was something else, further than that.

And somehow, I knew.

The last time I saw Eren, face to face, was when I stood besides the wreckage of his house, impending death looming over me, and he was reaching towards me, far out of grasp, screaming my name.

I didn't really remember the last time I saw Mikasa.

I didn't remember the last time I saw Armin at all.

But I'd always had that image of Eren.

When he'd cried out, I'd looked at him. Hannes and Mikasa had been in my peripheral, like the blurred colours in the corners of a vignette image.

In the centre, his widened eyes, tears, his unsightly flailing: Eren, at the forefront of my focus.

I'd stood there and watched as his eyes adjusted onto mine, as his expression crumbled further, as he drew in another breath to cry for me. It had been the last time someone had said my name before that all happened. It had been the last moment of true safety that I'd felt before the hell that followed, even though there had been nothing comforting in the terror reflected in his eyes.

And face to face again, I wondered what he'd seen, staring back at me at that time.

I wondered if he'd always remembered too, during these two years, what my expression had been like.

I wondered if he suffered because of it.

I frowned and shook my head. I looked away. "Don't be silly. That's kinda awkward."

"No, really-" He insisted desperately. "Back in Shiganshina..."

Armin stared and Mikasa had her eyes lowered.

"Guys, no, stop. What the fuck." I deadpanned. I didn't want an apology. "Look, you have nothing to be sorry for. I should be sorry. Stop being mopey and-"

"We left you behind." Armin whispered frailly. "You had to go through all that alone. That's why you didn't want to see us, right? Because- we were meant to be in this together. The four of us."

It was the three of them. I'd never...

"That's not your fault..." I argued weakly. "And I'm, like, here right now, right?"

The silence pulsed for a second too long. "What," I scoffed lightly, attempting good humour. "Am I being rejected or something?"

"No!" Armin exclaimed, "It's- It's just- We can't act like everything's normal. You know?"

"No." I tempered my voice, trying to soften it where it sounded hard and brutish. "No, I don't." I pushed out a laugh. "I think you guys are just making this weird. It's not that deep."

"Kira," Mikasa placed her hand on mine and her gaze was soft. "You can be upset."

The expression on Armin's face made me pause. It was pity. Almost parental in the way it felt urging.

"No, I-" My frown deepened and I withdrew my hand from her touch.

Mikasa's eyes turned pinched and Eren winced. To be honest, it was strange that she did that in the first place. Why were they acting so weird? This was starting to get stressful again. I held back a heavy sigh. If I'd known it'd be like this, I would've stayed away for a few more years.

"I don't know why you guys are like this. I'm really not-..."

Was I though?

Was I upset?

I think about the pain in my chest whenever I'd thought of them two years ago. I think about my unexpected hatred of Hannes. I think of my disobedient hands, yearning for vengeance in the form of his blood under my knife, or even a pen. It'd surprised me.

I hadn't expected such a reaction. I was pissed, with good reason, but I didn't want him dead- or so I'd thought. But even unwittingly, it was an instinct to attack. Blood for blood. Life for life. Because if I died whilst returning to civilisation, who would I fault for it?

Apparently, Hannes.

But I definitely wouldn't blame children. Right?

I was quiet for a moment as I stared into folds of the bed covers.

I looked up and met their eyes.

I wondered why my first instinct when I saw Eren was to pick a fight and swing my fist. I wondered why Mikasa hadn't properly scolded me. I wondered why Armin hadn't quietly commented on how I should be less aggressive or whatever.

I wondered why I withdrew my hand from Mikasa's touch. Why I couldn't look at them properly. Why I wasn't moved by their tears. Why, I felt such annoyance and awkwardness rather than what I should theoretically be feeling at a reunion.

I opened my mouth to say something I didn't know, but felt something else leave my throat. A heavy exhale, but fast. Somewhere between a scoff and a sob. Either way, unsightly.

Their eyes go wide and I made a noise of frustration, ducking my head to rub at my forehead. The migraine was coming soon.

"I'm not mad." I said weakly and with my head down, I don't see Eren wrapping his arms around me. I don't expect Armin to thread his fingers with mine and squeeze. I don't expect Mikasa to stroke my head like I was a child.

It's strange and awkward. It made me angrier. More tired. And I realise I'm still loved by these three. Two years and they're still like this? I'd probably wanted a fight. For them to get angry, and then I could also get angry and spit accusations at them. To say horrible, mean things at them and then... I didn't know.

Or I'd wanted everything to go fine. We'd explain things briefly and then be normal again.

Again, it was just this sense of bone deep exhaustion that two years of avoidance couldn't really dent. There was no point in coming back to them. It felt unordinary and unnatural.

Mikasa and Armin were uncomfortable to look at. When I looked at Eren, I just felt a desperate sort of anger. We were together again. But it was bitter.

"I'm really... I just-"

I remembered Eren's gut-wrenching scream, arm extended towards Carla- towards me, tear-streaked, wide-eyed and stark pale. Mikasa's split second glimpse as she struggled in Hannes' grasp. She had screamed too. Probably.

I remember them leaving. I remember their figures disappearing. I remember turning away from them.

I remember, in the basement, in Shiganshina, in Wall Maria, in the night and cold- I remember being alone. I remember feeling alone.

"I just didn't-" I stumbled, not knowing how to shape these feelings into words. "I just hated how you left me behind."

They didn't leave me behind. I knew they wouldn't've. It was just something I wanted to say, resting at the tip of my tongue, yet it came out like a shameful admission, followed closely by feelings of guilt.

Eren with his stubbornness, Mikasa with her devotion, Armin with his loyalty. Them with their friendship.

I knew them like the handle of a dagger, as both ink on a page and as friends. Comrades. I stared at them with confidence that they weren't anything I was accusing them of.

None of them correct me anyway.

"Who the hell was that kid?" Jean muttered. "What did they call her? Kiara? Kiki?"

"It looks like she was Eren, Mikasa and Armin's friend." Marco provided, with an expression of contemplation.

"No shit..." He snorted. "Sounds like she's been able to sniff out the inner suicidal from Yeager since ages..."

"I think she also might be the child who was on the newspapers a while back. That weird newspaper coverage." Marco picked at his food in thought.

Mina piped in, "You mean that 'Lost Child' story? Man, that was a really confusing thing. Straight after that badly written info dump about a kid being rescued from outside the walls?"

Hanna snapped her fingers upon remembering. "Two years ago. I remember that. My parents went crazy with the theories. The girl- Keira, just like in the story, said she was from Shiganshina too. She looks about the age too, right Franz?"

"Exactly, babe. You're so smart for remembering that far back."

"...Gross." Jean murmured, prompting a helpless smile from Marco.

"Though... I'd assumed she died. There was nothing about her afterwards and you'd think this stale community would want some gossip to chew on." Mina wondered. "It was such a fantastical story too. Remember that bit about getting eaten by a titan? That's surely impossible. And at six? If that's true, she must be the goddess herself then."

"Did you see the way she demolished Eren as well?" Connie snickered. "That was just funny. Completely wiped the floor with him."

"She kinda looks like Mikasa..." Jean wondered. "Mikasa's little sister, maybe? That would make sense. Mikasa's good at everything we've done so far..."

"Yeah, shut up, Jean." Connie laughed, "But she hadn't even introduced herself. Are we like chopped liver or something?"

"You might as well be."

"Well thanks, assh-AH- WHO. The fuck are you?!" Connie jumped at the sudden appearance of a man who was so bland he might as well be a piece of cutlery. "Are you even allowed to be here?"

"Yes. And you can associate me as being Kira's guardian." James scanned the room quickly. "As to elaborate on my initial statement, I didn't intend any offence to be conveyed. It was just a matter of facts. Kira herself probably didn't mean it. Kira's usual company consist of the greatest soldiers within the Walls. Not to mention Erwin is basically her uncle and Levi is basically her dad. Every person that is neither her acquaintance nor someone outstanding in some way might as well be white noise."

"'Erwin' as in... Commander Erwin?!"

"Wait, but 'Levi' as in... Humanity's Strongest Soldier, Captain Levi?"

"Okay, so that's a demotion from chopped liver to white noise..." Marco chuckled.

James sighed quietly, "I suppose I should be glad she can put herself in a room full of humans anyway..."

"...Did he just call us 'humans'?" Hanna whispered.

"Was that meant to be a threat?" Jean contemplated quietly. "Namedropping big figures..."

"Maybe it was so that none of us pick a fight with her." Marco shrugged. "Not that any of us would... right?"

"Eren would be the most likely one, but they've already fought." Jean snorted back. "It might be so that we don't ask too many questions. Although this rando just gave us doubly the amount of things we want to ask her."

"Do you know where she went? I was told to check up on her. Jeez, Levi, that tsundere." James continued to mutter. "Making me go this far out."

"What's a..." Connie shook his head. "If you're looking for her, they went to the dorms already." He jabbed a thumb. "On the left somewhere."

"I'll be able to find her. Thanks." Then he paused. "Should I perhaps wait a bit before intruding...?"

"It looked pretty serious?" Mina offered hesitantly.

"It would be. A reunion after two years." James sighed and decided to take a seat. "They haven't seen each other since before the Fall. Those four are from Shiganshina, all of them."

"Wait, who is she?"

James paused. That was a loaded question. "Kira Rouge. She's got a potty mouth."

"Two years ago. That article by Furt Newspapers." Mina tentatively asked. "Is that story true then? Is it her?"

"Ambiguity is the selling point of intriguing gossip." James smiled slightly. "Although there's no point in denying it."

"So yes." Jean simplified with a little annoyance. "You talk in circles."

"So yes." James repeated with a nod. "Well, on it with the questions, won't you? Better me than her."

"First of all then, who are you?" Jean asked, cutting over the other murmured questions. "You're not wearing any uniform, and I don't recognise your face. But you call a Commander and a Captain by their given names, and you're the guardian of this... kid. How are you relevant?"

"Jean!" Marco hissed exasperatedly.

"I'm the one who interviewed Kira." James laughed. "That article? I wrote it. I'm everyone relevant. I probably know more about Kira's journey than anyone here. Including Eren, Mikasa and Armin." Then he muttered. "I don't know when she started treating me like her personal counsellor..."

"You wrote it?" Mina slammed the table as she stood up, embodying the spirit of a reporter as she demanded, "What was your intention behind the format released? Despite mimicking a fictional format, was the contents within it true? So, if the ambiguity of the information was as intended, was it merely to create further speculation or was there another reason behind-"

"I've never seen her like that before..." Hanna gaped.

"I once got on the other end of her rant about the decrease in quality of Furt Newspapers..." Franz told her. "She's very passionate. I honestly hadn't expected it."

"No comment. Mostly. No comment. No. No comment. Yes." James waved away. "Look, kid, a lot of media is controlled by higher ups. I can't afford to be telling you kids about the actual format decision and whatnot."

"What about Keira?"

"I regret misspelling her name so bad..." James muttered to himself. "Kira is essentially an open secret. Not so secretive now that she's here though. You youngsters gossip like crazy. You think I don't know?"

"Is she going to become a soldier?"

"She's not going to be joining you cadets, if that's what you're asking. Levi would gut all of you before that'd happen." He shook his head. "Wait, the likelihood of him gutting you is incomparably higher than the likelihood of him letting Kira join. That was a bad comparison..."

"Um... isn't that against the law?" Hanna wondered nervously, uncertain despite the fact that it was very much against the law. The man was just saying that with such nonchalance.

"Levi is above the law. Speaking of which, Kira is also above the law, so don't go pestering her, okay?" James smiled. "She's very trigger-happy."

"We should go back to normal again." I tell them.

"I don't even remember how we used to act back then." Armin murmured glumly. "Ever since we left that refugee boat..."

"Fighting. Sparring." Mikasa nodded. "I don't remember much either. There isn't much to do. There wasn't, in the refugee area. Not much things to talk about. So we just sparred until we were tired and slept and sparred more."

"I remember I wanted to ask you things. So many things." Eren's hands tightened into fists. "But it's been so long."

"Should we just start from the very start?" Armin suggested. "Even before the Fall. When we first met, do you remember it?"

I blinked a few times, "That felt like ages ago. But I do. I remember it."

A while later, James stared down at the four children piled over each other like puppies, fast asleep, and slowly backed out the door. He supposed she was staying for the sleepover then.

Notes:

..okay, guys, guys, chill, kira hates everyone at this point. i have an inability to write cute reunions. like, two years have passed: it has to be awkward af.
indeed, u may not like it, but here's the real reason why she wasn't all that eager to see them. it's similar to the hannes situation. she thought she was neutral, but she wasn't. that's why she mainly talked to eren.
- in this universe they didn't know sparring existed as kids so by butterfly effect, they're now stronger :
ft. james who unknowingly picked up extra-universal terminology from kira

"You came back." Armin said, as if he thought I wouldn't come back. "" - typing this made me snort.

so the trio has obviously a lot to work with, before kira came. they kind of knew she was alive, but she didn't visit them. or contact them. until now. so like, armin's more about the fact that she even came back, whether it's being alive or not abandoning them or wtv. mikasa wants the truth and wants things to go back to normal. and eren was convinced she was alive but thinks that everything will be changed because of the fall of shiganshina, even tho he wants things to be normal again.

eren has the biggest survivor's guilt here by watching his mum die- who he probably accepted a tiny bit more since her legs were crushed and all, but also by thinking he was responsible for everything that happened to kira, who he could have 'realistically' saved.

anyway. idk what to do now ..