The Seraph Project - Destruction

Chapter XLII

Anguish, Anguish

Since Shikamaru's abrupt departure, anxieties have taken over my whole being, to such an extent that I cannot think of anything else. When the latter left to share our discoveries with Lady Tsunade, I stayed long enough for Naruto to calm down, cradling him in my embrace, and for our soaked clothes to dry a little more. Fortunately, the blond quickly regained his senses and his good mood as if this episode had never happened.

However, fatigue rapidly took hold of him; he was nodding endlessly and his tiny tired eyes were constantly trying to close. I told him to get dressed despite the still wet clothes. Exhausted, the teenager collapsed a short time later, forcing me to catch him in his fall. In a daze, Naruto didn't react to the slightest of my words; his irises gazed into the void, and his eyelids fought fiercely against the urge to bond with their twins. To be in such a state, I understood that he hadn't slept at all last night; this hardly surprises me given the nocturnal creature rhythm to which he's enslaved to, not to mention that the night awakens him. Also, he failed to put on his dark cape or his sandals before he collapsed like a brick.

In my arms, the feral boy leaned his head against my chest to find sleep. Quickly, his breathing became regular and peaceful. In my embrace, he feels safe enough to sleep outside … unless he's comfortable in this place.

Seeing him so serene made me smile sincerely. I ran a gentle hand through his static-electricity covered hair. Unable to bring myself to disturb him, I cautiously wrapped his ebony tail around his waist; since he didn't react, I concluded that he had indeed fallen asleep and quite deeply by the way. I made sure to camouflage the prehensile limb by laying his sandals and cape over him, then I lifted him, carrying him in my arms. Despite his recent weight gain, he's still as light as a cloud. Running, I hurried home, avoiding crowded places and curious eyes. Even though he was asleep, he was shivering unconsciously, showing that he was cold. All in all, the tremors stopped when I got to my apartment.

Normally, I'd push Naruto to stay awake to get him on my daytime routine. Nevertheless, giving him a nap in the afternoon will allow him to hold on longer and prevent him from going to bed at dusk. I mustn't make him accumulate too much fatigue and, of course, be careful not to let him sleep too much either.

I laid Naruto down in my bed, then I took off his forehead protector and jacket so for him to be comfortable; at that, I gently uncoiled his black tail before covering him with the blanket. Looking at the scratches on his neck, they'll be all gone by tonight.

Surprised, but not surprised, I am plagued by the anxieties that are back to torment my mind to the point of killing my appetite. I don't think they'll find anything today, but impatience is king, just like those stubborn thoughts that don't want to leave me anymore. This waiting to which I have no choice yet to submit has become terribly painful.

I cooked a meal despite this uncomfortable lump in my chest and the urge of my stomach to spit it all out. Then, I did a bit of laundry before stretching my body, clogging up in inaction and laziness. I contented myself with a simple workout to stretch my muscles, consisting of sit-ups and push-ups. I quickly got exhausted, but these physical efforts did me good. As a result, it temporarily chased away the invading and destructive questions.

When Naruto began to toss about in his sleep, constantly changing position and mumbling intelligible words, I stayed in the room to watch him, for fear that he was having a nightmare. Unlike last time, I intend to wake him up if that turns out to be the case; I won't let the lightning strike.

For long minutes, I observe and analyze the blond. His eyebrows also furrowed, not boding well. When he grinds his teeth and his mouth sounds gradually turn into cries of despair, I roughly shake him, loudly calling him out.

A few shakes are enough. The sapphire-eyed boy painfully and calmly opens his eyelids. Astonishment overcomes me; I sincerely expected him to wake up with a start since everything implied a nightmare to become. Disoriented and puzzled, he gazes into my eye before scanning the room with his tiny eyes as he sits down. At first glance, it disturbs him to be here and not at Shikamaru's. However, it doesn't seem to bother him that much. Quickly, he turns his attention back to me and opens his arms to beg for a hug, which I accept to give. Strangely, my gesture is voluntary and it didn't make me sigh as usual. I cannot see Naruto's face, but I can hear his taciturn laughter that is betraying his genuine joy. Separating myself from him, I notice that he's alert and that the desire to sleep hardly occupies his mind.

Good, it makes my job easier.

After offering him a drink, he lazed in my bed, sometimes lying on his back, sometimes on his side while I was filling out my report. It's only now that I note that the lack of activity doesn't bother him; to believe that the notion of time is indeed absent. Either his gaze is on me, either he's staring at the ceiling wagging his leg or tail, Naruto doesn't try to occupy himself more than that nor does he seem to be "waiting" or passing the time. He truly lives in the moment… Nevertheless, I mustn't rule out the likelihood that he's like this because of his prolonged periods of captivity in a cage with nothing to do but to face himself. Whether it was in that doomsday lair or that cell in Konoha, it marked the teenager to some degree. Maybe he must relearn how to have hobbies and keep himself busy? I cannot say. The extent of the damage to his psyche is still unknown, especially since I can hardly know what he does in my sleep.

When twilight slowly coloured the sky with its orange and pink palettes turning to dark blue, Naruto settled in front of the window, in his usual place to watch the night fall. In order to ventilate the room to chase away the heaviness and the burnt aromas generated by his electrically charged body, not to mention his infamous and ignoble body odour, I open the window. Immediately, it overwhelms my student's full attention. He raises his head outside and sniffs the air deeply, enjoying the night sweetness. From then on, Naruto takes a different position. He scans his curious eyes everywhere. The bright smile never leaving his face implies that it was a good idea.

As for me, I sat on the edge of the bed to read… However, I cannot manage to immerse myself in my favourite book; I stare blankly at the same page with illegible scribbles. This whole story worries me too much and devours me like a fatal disease. I sincerely desire Naruto's venom to fall asleep. Otherwise, I will be prey to insomnia, I know that only too well. I also lost track of time. I notice that night has fallen when I am unable to read anything. With the arrival of darkness, my duty to feed Naruto is added to this chaotic and mental tumult swirling like raging hurricanes.

The teenager is still far from being able to control himself. A shiver of dread slides down my spine at the thought of inflicting similar injuries to myself as last time. Despite my fears of suffering martyrdom again, I have no choice. I am the only one that can provide him with the chakra he needs to function; he's as dependent on my chakra as my body is for his toxin. This offering of my lightning essence, the possibility that we finally find the place where Naruto was sequestered…

All of this torments me too much.

I'm pulled from my thoughts when the blond is on his knees in front of me. He looks inside my book, then plunges his eyes into mine, pouting and eyebrow arching. He must have noticed that I haven't turned a single page since a while ago. In his own way, he inquires about my condition. At least, that's what I interpret; he seems worried and very preoccupied.

"Hm? Don't worry, Naruto. I'm fine," I lie, cracking a smile.

Naruto isn't fooled since he frowns his too furrowed eyebrows more while flapping his tail. He lays his head on my thighs before hugging me gently. Mechanically, after the time of a breath, I pet his thick hair, tearing a smile from him. As in his apartment, he seeks to drive away my anxieties. I am sure of it now; the sapphire-eyed boy is able to feel and perceive my emotions, although I camouflage them with finesse. I recognize this benevolent Naruto of others that amnesia and wildness try to erase.

The teenager separates from me and snatches my book from my hands to put it on the sheets. Then he gently takes my hands and places them in front of me, palms facing up. The blond puts his hands on mine, his palms facing down. His eyes no longer stray from our hands—rather, they're entirely focused on them. I raise an eyebrow, puzzled. I wonder what he wants to do; obviously, that includes me in the equation.

With a quick movement, his right hand slaps my left, making him laugh silently. I finally understand what he wants from me when he puts our hands back in a similar, but reversed position.

Naruto is playing that silly game with me.

This game for children where you have to clap the hand of the other.

And it's my turn to slap his hand before he avoids mine.

I don't know if he remembered the existence of this game to clear my mind. Not wishing to disappoint him, I play with him. However, I find myself taking the game seriously since I don't intend to let him win, especially after watching him swagger. I fake him before scoring a point, causing him to gasp in surprise. From then on, Naruto concentrates and plunges into an appalling seriousness up to a complete standstill, as he had done with the shōgi. Without misery, I avoid his blow and we exchange again.

Unable to score another point, frustration wins over him and he growls in displeasure; at that, he makes useless twirls with his ebony tail. I notice that despite his new abilities as a chakra devourer, besides his excruciatingly agile and devious tail, speed is not one of them since I am faster than him. Apart from his brute and destructive strength, it suits me; he wouldn't be able to escape if he ran away from me for some obscure reason, although that is unlikely.

His unpredictable and unstable temperament pushes me to be cautious.

Not giving him the slightest chance, I win the game. Disappointed, the feral boy begins to sulk while crossing his arms. I have managed to forget my worries … alas, these demons are rushing back, especially the imminent feeding. Glancing at my dial, I deem the time acceptable considering I'll force Naruto to sleep with me next. To say that I am serene would be a lie; the fear of sustaining serious agonizing wounds makes me anxious. A cold sweat breaks out on my forehead.

I let out a sigh and offer him my forearm.

"Feed on my chakra, Naruto."

The effect is immediate. The teenager stops grumbling and becomes paralyzed. After what seems like an eternity, Naruto makes himself very small, avoiding any retinal contact. His hands open and close constantly, betraying his anxiety; his toes undergo the same phenomenon. He doesn't trust himself. My worst fears are coming true as he's refusing my blue essence.

"If it's because you're afraid of hurting me, you don't have to worry about me. We're going to take it one step at a time, okay?"

Naruto curls up into a ball, clasping his legs in front of him and his black tail wrapping around his person; at this, many drops of sweat slide down his temples. Despite his categorical refusal, I feel that he's hungry, that he sincerely wants my chakra to be torn with contrary feelings. Being selfish, I'd stop bothering him with that to breathe a little … but I forbid myself to let Naruto starve, especially since those responsible for his condition as a chakra devourer starved him to be under the malnutrition threshold; his emaciated body had not yet regained its healthy weight so much that he was only flesh and bones. Besides, I'm the only one able to satisfy his appetite.

"Naruto. I've already promised you that I'd help you control your hunger, but you have to trust me too. We'll find a way to keep you from spilling too much of your venom. However, you must help me find it, this way to stop you."

My words soothe him a bit. He begins to think, putting on a serious face. As for me, I work my brain to find a solution that isn't brutal. I could always grab his tail… However, for fear of titillating him and thus, sow lustful desires in him, I reject it aggressively. I cannot take the slightest risk of his feelings towards me evolving and becoming inappropriate.

Several thoughts later, Naruto returns his gaze to me before approaching with a few timid and hesitant steps. Then he bends down and lowers his head to show me his golden hair. Frowning, I grab his locks and pull them in a paradox of harshness and gentleness. In response, the sapphire-eyed boy winces, emitting inaudible complaints of pain while his whole being quivers at each of my manipulations; he jumps and grinds his teeth when I snatch one from him.

"I see. Your hair is too sensitive…"

Naruto doesn't need to tell me in words for me to understand; his body speaks for itself. Considering that his senses have developed, aside from his eyes blinded by the light, that makes sense. The touch must be amplified in him and makes delicate the slightest physical contact with the blond. He must live them with great intensity. It's not just his hair or his tail, it's his whole being that is. Following this logic, he must experience more pain than we do, although he doesn't show it.

"Is it okay with you if I pull your hair to force you to let go?" I ask him.

True to his silence, Naruto stays silent, but his bluish irises reflect acceptance. Again, I reach out my arm to him while keeping a hand in his electrically charged mane. However, Naruto begins to shiver like a leaf and the tan of his skin loses its colour… He's having a drop in blood pressure—something that prompts me to remain vigilant in case he'd lose consciousness. He closes his eyelids, taking long, deep breaths a few times to calm himself down and give himself courage. I wait with infinite patience for him to be ready.

When he opens his eyes, they are already shining in the dark. He roughly grabs my forearm, his claws dig into my skin in spite of himself; the incessant jolts prevent him from showing gentleness. Sweaty, Naruto paralyzes and stares anxiously at my arm before swallowing. He hesitates, but he really wants to.

The extension of this torture accelerates my heart like my breathing.

"Come on, Naruto. Bite."

After a breath, Naruto finally sinks his canines into my much too tense flesh. A sharp pain makes me wince and moan. The scarlet, abnormal discharge is excruciatingly pronounced and alarming. Obviously, he severed a relatively large vein; instead of a few drops, it's a worrying blood flow. While devouring my chakra, Naruto is already poisoning me with his venom since this fire of suffering burns me, spreads in my body.

What does that mean? On the face of it, he didn't even try to fight his demons and I refuse to believe he gave in on the spot. Was it the bleeding that triggered his surrender? Things said, I don't have time to find the cause; otherwise, I will fall asleep and maybe never wake up again. I hasten to fiercely and abruptly pull his hair back. Immediately, he frowns, emitting a lament of pain as he ruffles all his hair.

"NARUTO! LET GO OF ME!" I shout, violently grabbing his porcupine hair at the root.

As I'm about to brutally pull away like last time, Naruto finally pulls out his fangs dripping with blood and venom. He grinds his teeth and groans, his eyelids closed. His face shows obvious signs of acute suffering and this forces me to release his mane… As a precaution, I keep a hand close, ready to intervene, and I was right to do so.

His hands on my arm are grinding it down and when I try to free myself from his grip, he holds me harder. His glowing irises have gone feral and my student is about to bite me again… This time he's much faster and more determined than ever to stab me with his teeth. I manage at last second to push him away by pressing my palm against his face. Naruto hisses aggressive grunts as he tries to bite my hand that I move away from his gob.

No doubt possible, the teenager is possessed by his animal instincts; he cannot recognize me anymore…

Despite the twinges in my limb that I ignore and the fatigue caused by his toxin, I hasten to open my left eye and therefore, my Sharingan—something that makes Naruto gasp in surprise. When he's immobile and his attention hypnotized by my red eye, I take the opportunity to throw myself on him and push him to the ground. I manage to free my bruised arm whose sharp claws like a sword scratch my forearm along its entire length. Rolling Naruto onto his stomach, I grab his two arms to twist them crosswise behind his back. Crushing him with all my weight with a knee to his lower spine, I use my other foot to neutralize his tail. In a paradox of softness and strength, I flatten and nail to the ground the long ebony hairs at the end of the tail; I therefore avoid injuring the relatively "fragile" prehensile limb. Mechanically, his tail squirms in all directions to free itself … but the pain prevents him from doing so. He's unable to tear off his own fur held hostage to free himself from my grip, or even pull at his too sensitive hairs. As for his legs, they make useless movements that aren't worrying.

"Calm down, Naruto!" I order in a shaky voice, slowly twisting his arms more and more, snatching a few moans from him. "Don't force me to hurt you! Please calm down! Naruto! Calm down!"

I am losing my cool; panic sets in and many cold sweats bead on my forehead. My breath is unstoppable like my heartbeat; I begin to shake and I suffocate under my wheezing. Total panic is shared with my student who gradually stops struggling. When he turns his head painfully, I see his irises which no longer glow, but they are darkened by an ache impossible to describe. I release him and separate myself from him without further ado.

I start panting, almost hyperventilating. My spasming arm hurts, but the pain is tolerable. Luckily, the scratches are superficial. My wounds have stopped bleeding thanks to his venom, although my forearm is ugly with bruises; he squeezed me so tightly that he injured me.

As for Naruto, he slowly sits down. He struggles to put his trembling arms back into a normal position; just as he did with my arm, I severely wounded his wrists. He winces, stroking his bruised skin with his fingertips. With dread, he sinks deeper and deeper into panic. In the commotion, I was unable to control my strength and through my fault, I inflicted traumatic injuries on him.

I close my left eyelid to save my chakra and it's only now that I notice that my chakra reserves are much higher than usual. Naruto is far from having eaten his fill. His sudden aggressiveness in taking more from me must have been caused by his unsatisfied appetite. I overestimated my abilities to help him overcome his hunger and feral instincts. The task turns out to be much more difficult than expected…

In this chaotic tumult of emotions pinching my chest, I feel terribly guilty. In this forced fight, I hurt him, probably in all aspects. Because of my inexcusable clumsiness, I brought up trauma rooted in him. The way he stares with anguish at those bruises, I'm sure of it.

My legs are weakening; my body became heavy. I crouch down to his level. However, I am unable to hold his gaze, or even look at Naruto at all; my ebony eye avoids him shamefully.

"I'm sincerely sorry, Naruto," I whisper darkly in a broken, shaky voice, clutching my silver hair. "I hurt you… Forgive me… Forgive me, Naruto…"

I feel him watching me, that's all. I can't bring myself to look back at him. I am supposed to be this pillar to which he can cling to chase away the sufferings that shelter him and not the other way around. Admittedly, I had no choice, but I cannot think otherwise. I am afraid that Naruto no longer trusts me and worse, that he fears me now… I'm afraid that he'll refuse to eat, thus letting himself starve slowly. My heart corrupted with darkness is torn apart and sadness creeps into it.

I come to hate myself…

I am drawn from my demons when I suffered painless shocks of static electricity. His ebony tail wraps gently around one of my wrists, as if Naruto were holding my hand with it. I deign to look at him and what I see pushes me to silence and I hold my breath.

The blond is standing in front of me, and his arms are wide open. His face still betrays this exchange that upset the both of us, but his shy smile is genuinely sincere.

Naruto puts my needs before his.

Naruto forgets his own pains for me.

Naruto prioritizes me over himself.

This observation paralyzes me and I stop batting my eyelids. His tail wraps more like a graceful snake around my forearm to force me to rise to join him. Devoid of any will, I let Naruto pull me to him. Very close to him, he takes me in his arms and embraces me with tenderness. His warm embrace hunts away the coldness in my bruised organ, the darkness and the anxieties. As his tail lets go of my arm to hug the two of us, a feeling that I cannot put into words overwhelms me, sending unpleasant rumblings through my stomach.

It takes me a while, but I finally manage to move to return the hug, hugging him tighter than ever in my trembling little arms.

"Naruto... Thank you…"