Chapter LXXX

Memory Gap

TW: Eating Disorders

With all my strength, I fight against the urge to vomit and expel the meagre mouthfuls I've swallowed. With disgust, I stare at my meal. Uselessly, I twirl my chopsticks; I play with my food more than I eat it. There's not much, but this platter is like an all-you-can-eat buffet that makes me green. Even the once pleasant smells make me sick. Instead, I feel like I'm looking at a dish of rotten, mouldy seafood and fish. My throat is excruciatingly tight. Each grain of rice struggles to make its way into my sick and useless stomach. Also, reading the report didn't help me. A gigantic ball presses against my stomach, which is making incessant gurgling noises.

I can't be difficult. I have to swallow it all whether I like it or not. Otherwise, I will stay in this hospital for as long as I'm unable to eat properly. This week in bed accentuated my thinness even more. The IVs don't allow me to gain weight either. I let out a long, painful sigh. I wish I had a craving; I could devour it all in a few seconds, freeing myself from this exhausting chore…

Footsteps approach my room. I pull my mask up before the door opens. It's the nurse from earlier. Based on her disapproving and rather severe expression, I expect to be scolded.

"You haven't finished yet?" Her voice is dry and she seems surprised. She comes to my bedside. "Are you eating or are you pretending?"

Ashamed, I look away. "I'm my best," I justify myself with a faint voice. "My stomach is horribly upset. I want to regurgitate everything I swallow…"

She lets out a sigh and hands me a small container filled with an unidentified pink substance.

"What is this?" I ask as I grab it.

"Something to help you. It's an anesthetic meant to freeze your stomach to combat your nausea. Due to your drug resistance, we have increased the dosages we usually administer to patients. You will suffer from some nasty migraines tonight."

"I see… Not like I had a choice." I take a deep breath and swallow the medicine with its vile, bitter taste in one go. However, I gag between swallowing. I hasten to slam a hand over my mouth. I'm dizzy. I fight my own body, which seeks to throw up this viscous liquid at all costs. I have almost no feeling in my tongue, mouth and esophagus. I want to throw up like crazy. I swallow an acid reflux, then another…

"Breathe calmly, Mr. Hatake. If you throw it up, it won't work."

'No kidding,' I fume to myself.

I close my eyes, focus on my breathing and nothing else. It isn't the first vomit attack I've had. With my worrying cravings, I learned to keep everything within myself. My cold extremities are frozen; I'm shivering. I bet I'm as pale as a ghost. Nevertheless, I win against the painful urge to vomit.

"Have you lost feeling in your mouth or throat?"

I nod slowly, removing my shaking hand from my face.

"Good. Some oral treatments still have effects on you. Allow a few minutes to act," she explains to me, taking notes. "However, don't depend on medication for your meals. This is a temporary solution."

"As expected…"

"I'll come back to see you a bit later. Lord Hokage demands that you eat every last crumb."

I nod, sighing as she leaves my room. I'm reassured; I'm not invulnerable to all medications. My nausea, which is gradually subsiding, convinces me of this. Food and smells still disgust me. However, I will be able to eat when my stomach of misfortune stops its hunger strike. I don't want to, but I don't have the right to choose.

While waiting for the medicine to take effect, I look at the blue sky coloured with pastel pink and yellow. Twilight is upon us. I think back to that night when I almost died. The numerous reports about that night send shivers down my spine, making my blood run cold in my veins, as if I'm suffering from imaginary frostbite.

First of all, we learned that this group is indeed using space-time techniques to teleport into the village. To do this, they use seals installed beforehand. They can activate them to create loopholes in space that they use to slip through. They can't teleport anywhere and any way they want. They depend on these seals invisible to the naked eye, which appear and react to chakra. Although we don't know how to use them, units specializing in this kind of thing have managed to find them and make them disappear, and the results are catastrophic.

There are seals absolutely everywhere in Konohagakure. Teams are still locating the hidden glyphs. It takes far too much time and resources; seals elude sensory ninjas, even the Byakugan. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack. They found them in places that are both hazardous, dubious and strategic. Logically, there are seals outside the village, and they won't be found blindly.

These seals were present in Shikamaru's residence and Naruto's apartment. My apartment was also searched, and a glyph was found. It was recently put in my room, probably at the same time this group searched it for something to trap Naruto with. I'm afraid to go home to see the damage. According to reports, it's a mess and things were stolen from me, including my blanket that was found in the alley. Some of my clothes were stolen; they were used to deceive my student, who fell into a meticulously planned ambush.

The question of this glyph in my room worries me. If they were going to take Naruto away with flying colours, why bother putting one in my home? Is it possible that this group planned to kidnap me like Naruto at some point...? Because of my student's ultra-selective appetite and his emotional attachment on me, it can't be ruled out. They would have captured me so Naruto wouldn't starve. He only devoured Shikamaru's chakra because I begged him to do so. If I had been in a coma, he would have let himself waste away until his last breath…

Naruto is too valuable for their plans. I would have been a target for the sole purpose of preserving Naruto's life. And I would have been an easy target. If I hadn't rescued him, we would never have known how this group managed to enter the village without triggering our alarm system. Plus, I wouldn't have expected an enemy to appear in my room out of nowhere, especially if I'm deep in thought, dwelling on the past, asking myself, "what if?"; hours during which I contemplate the extent of my errors, which will haunt me like a curse until the end of my days.

The old hag who doused me with perfume was a shinobi using henge. They sabotaged my scent with a perfume so strong that Naruto was fooled. I couldn't get rid of it, even though I buried my skin in tons of soap. This stench was still stuck on my wrist after several days, after all. This group knows that chakra devourers have an exceptional sense of smell and that these creatures are obsessed with scents.

The person who lured the blond into his ambush erased his own scent before putting on my clothes impregnated with mine. The cover made his camouflage perfect, and Naruto saw nothing. The location of the attempted kidnapping wasn't chosen randomly. This alley is never busy at night. It's plunged into oppressive darkness; people like shinobi are reluctant to use it. It's relatively close to where Naruto and his comrades were. It shows that they were aware of our plans, down to the smallest detail.

The materials used to neutralize the teenager were analyzed. This strange metal only reacts with chakra devourers. Many tests have been done on shinobi. They moulded their chakra; none were burned and unable to use jutsu. Tests have also been carried out on subjects who have a chakra nature like mine. The results are the same as with all the others.

It was discovered that chakra was infused into these metal rings. Also, there are fragments of silver in them. There's a third unknown component. It's being carefully analyzed to find out what it is, but the task is proving difficult; the other components interfere with the research, and the team has great difficulty isolating it. In addition, the rings were quickly compared to those found in the dungeon in which Naruto was sequestered. Without surprise, the two matches. Fortunately, we had carefully recovered and kept them.

This metal prevents Naruto from moulding his chakra, unless he wants to end up with the skin charred to the dermis, or even more. Despite his herculean strength, these restraints render him harmless. From what I can remember, his markings glowing blue are proof that Naruto was using his chakra to free himself. It was because he was struggling that he was burned alive. Luckily, his clothes protected him. Otherwise, the hypodermis would have been affected.

The muzzle and metal collar have been checked as well. Unlike the one found in the chamber of horrors, the muzzle is normal. The one in the dungeon could withstand fire and heat, and it includes the leather ties; they were specially designed for a fiery Naruto, who couldn't calcine them. However, we haven't yet unravelled the mysteries of the strange, metal necklace. All we know is that it reacts to chakra … but not the blond's. This tool is possibly used to subdue Naruto and make him more docile. I fear that it's an object of torture… No, I'm convinced of it, unfortunately. Naruto's traumas don't lie; he refuses to have his neck touched by anyone or anything. We're still trying to discover its effects, but the necklace only reacts to a very specific chakra. This prevents us from exposing all of its secrets just yet.

Their plan was perfect. All this time, this group has been waiting for the right moment to strike and kidnap Naruto without anyone realizing it. If I hadn't intervened in time, he would be back in their clutches, imprisoned and plunged into hell, in which there is no hope, no dream, no future… If they get their hands on him, Naruto won't be as lucky as last time. His chances of escaping and getting out on his own will be nil. Unfortunately, his spirit will end up broken like his heart; I will leave an unbearable void in him, a similar void that Sasuke left in him a few years ago, that's understood.

However, no matter how much I think about that night, there's a blur and a blank in my memory. I don't know how I knew that Naruto was in danger and needed my help. I was quietly sipping my sake and blabbering about irrelevant topics. The next moment, I was fighting them while protecting my student. I don't remember much of what happened until I lost consciousness. Their faces, their voices, their silhouettes have been forgotten. I used a Raikiri at one point—something that saved us both. Then, I used my Mangekyō Sharingan… I don't know why … and after … nothing. Black, emptiness, nothingness and nothing else. Then I woke up in the worst agony of my life.

According to Gai's report, his team was about to capture the enemies alive. It's infuriating! We finally had them! These shinobi excel at infiltration missions, but their combat skills are far from up to par. They were already celebrating the success of their mission; it's the reason why there was no ninja specialized in frontal attacks. Gai and his students were about to capture them when Naruto started screaming, a devastating scream that neutralized him and his team, allowing the intruders to escape with their strange teleportation technique.

I remember the scream Naruto let out when he escaped from his cell in Konohagakure. I wasn't far away, and this shrill howl paralyzed me on the spot and forced me to place my hands over my ears to dampen the odious noise. Then I was plagued by tinnitus, and I temporarily lost my sense of balance. Luckily, I didn't suffer significant damage, unlike the other shinobi who lost their hearing for several minutes.

This cry… No matter what it is, is a lethal weapon. The enemies had planned this in case Naruto would use this scream, and that's what he did. We must also find a way to resist it. Because of him, those ninja slipped through our fingers. Under the care of Ibiki and Inoichi, both heads of the interrogation department, we would finally have answers.

In all of this, I wasn't at all worried. I was patiently waiting for Shikamaru to give me Naruto back. According to Shikamaru's report, the blond wanted to find me alone. I guess he wanted to make me proud of him, and I would have been. Even this group knew that. They have access to my reports. There's a mole who occupies an important place, and they must rub shoulders with the Hokage herself. All information regarding Naruto is carefully protected and in the hands of trustworthy people. However, nothing escapes them.

Could the mole have stolen the place of one of us? I hope I'm wrong … but I can only believe it. The enemy is still there, spying on us, and transmitting data to this group, although security has been increased. They probably know about this mark on my neck. Since they know the chakra devourers like the back of their hand, they must know its mysteries. If we find the intruder, I will manage to get my answers about this mark… Maa, real answers, and not additional questions that I don't need. Thanks to Naruto who sprouted more anxiety than anything else.

Excruciatingly slowly, this whole story is becoming clearer despite the added grey areas.

I notice that my stomach has finally fallen asleep. I pick up my chopsticks to eat and finish this meal once and for all. With tiny bites, I swallow the terribly bland pieces of rice. Nothing has any taste anymore. I no longer have any pleasure. I constantly sigh to complain, as if my barely eaten tray will magically disappear.

Halfway through, I'm not hungry at all. My meal is light; there's almost nothing. Normally, I would still be starving, begging for more food… However, my stomach seems to refuse anything that is solid, since I had no problem drinking my chicken broth or my green tea. That I have to stuff myself like a goose destined for slaughter depresses me…

No matter how much I think, over and over again, I can't find any logical explanation for my eating disorder that appeared out of nowhere. I blamed it on anxiety, but my disorder got worse; it isn't normal at all.

Unless I have a craving, I don't care about food anymore.