Total Drama Homespun, Episode 1, part 1.
The Help and The Houseguests
...
...
In a solitary estate on an asteroid out in space, four men sit in a parlour, or five if you count Jeremy (Which you should) all sitting around a coffee table sipping tea.
"…Regardless of circumstance it's always good to see you Rod," Conner O'Gleeson says to the Master of the estate. The Squirrel smiles warmly.
"Likewise."
"Rodney's a good friend of mine," Conner explains to the audience. "He and some of his crazy neighbours seem odd I realize, but they're pretty sentimental to me."
"Who are- wait are we back!?" Chris says surprised. "Uh, Welcome back to Homespun everyone. Still getting used to Conner's camera work. As you can see during the break, we decided to be professional and bury the hatchet." He clears his throat and side eyes Conner. "Provided certain people know their place."
"Chris has twenty-three fresh faces from all corners of the Multiverse competing this season," Conner says. "…and he refuses to tell me anything about them. Chris, when should we be expecting these guys?"
"Probably after the interns get here," Chris says smiling. Conner laughs.
"McLean, trust me. I don't think we'll need interns for this one. Once you see more of this place you'll understand."
"Oh, I understand."
The doorbell rings.
Chris smirks. "But she insisted on helping this season…"
"She? She who?"
Conner opens the door and flinches in shock.
At once he recognizes the young blond woman standing at the doorstep, beaming ecstatically with her arms full of luggage. Indeed, few people in his world wouldn't know her from a passing glance.
"Conner!"
She drops the luggage and bonds forward. The skirts of her bright pink ballgown trailing behind her as she wraps her arms around him, laughing merrily.
"Oh, it's so wonderfully good to see you again!"
Conner stammers unintelligibly for a moment. The language centre of his brain seems to have forgotten what its purpose was.
"Peach!" He blurts out after a moment. "I- You- Princess what are you doing here?"
"Mr. Mclean asked if I'd be so kind as to help with your new season." She says excitedly "You were all so kind to us last time I just couldn't refuse."
"Couldn't you?" Conner asks. He seems almost offended on her behalf.
Princess Peach giggles and shakes her head. "Last season was the best adventure I had ever had the pleasure of going on. Oh, it's wonderful to know me and my friends will have the chance to give a new cast the same experience with a cast."
"What friends have you brought my dear?" Rodney asks, walking over and shaking the Princess's gloved hand. "Are any of Conner's other old contestants making a reappearance?"
Peach laughs her high, happy laugh again and shakes her head.
"No sadly. I have some people coming with me this time from the Mushroom Kingdom. I missed my poor little subjects so terribly during Endless, and couldn't bear leaving my toads again. So just had to bring some of them along."
There's a slight rumbling, then all at once, everyone besides Peach is nearly swept away by a deluge of little creatures with mushroom shaped heads and squat little bodies. Dozens upon dozens come sprinting into the house, yiping and cheering in excitement in sandpaper like little voices. Some of them polite enough to give their hosts a horse "Hello" as they pass. When the horde's at last dispated Conner gets to his feet shakily.
"Peach? How many Toads did you bring?"
"All of them!" Peach cries jubilantly. "All nine hundred and ninety-nine of my dear little toads! I couldn't bear to leave anyone so I brought the whole Kingdom along!"
She claps her hands excitedly. Chris as well looks very happy to have received what (surely in his eyes) amounts to a private army.
"Tell me that's everyone?" Conner says dusting himself off.
There's another cry and he's flung to the floor again. Something very orange and very poufy has him pinned to the ground.
"HA! I got you good!"
Conner looks up to see a young princess with brown hair, tan skin and an orange gown grinning down at him.
"Gee you're a squirmy fella aren't you?"
"Daisy!" Peach cries easing the girl off Conner. "Really now? Is that any way for a princess to greet someone?"
"I already met him a bunch at the party last season!" The girl insists. "We're practically family by now."
Chris chuckles. "Peach, dude. Loving your friend's energy. Very Izzy."
The girl turns and beams at him.
"Hi I'm Daisy!" Princess Daisy shouts.
"Welcome aboard," Chris says offering his hand. Daisy takes it, shaking it almost violently.
A gust of stellar wind blows through the open door, drawing their attention. A third young woman appears, she bears a passing resemblance to Peach, her figure striking, statuesque platinum blonde, with a sweeping bang over one eye. She's dressed in a cyan gown and floating gracefully a few inches off the ground. She stares down at Chris and Rodney with her one exposed eye.
"May the Stars shine down upon you…"
"And this is Rosalina," Peach says.
"Hey there," Chris says.
Rosalina smiles serenely down at him
"It is a pleasure to make your acquittance."
"She and Daisy insisted on coming as well," Peach explains.
"We're here for our girl," Daisy says, throwing her arms around Peach affectionally.
"It is our deep and profound wish that hers and everyone else's quest will transpire much more peacefully this cycle," Rosalina says.
"I make no promises." Conner jokes. Rosalina turns sharply and all the warmth goes out of her expression in an instant. Conner swallows uncomfortably, fidgeting under her gaze.
"Far as I'm concerned the more people I get to boss around the better," Chris says contently. "Any more hot friends of yours coming?"
"Just us!" Daisy says.
"Awesome. In that case, we're about ready for Total Drama's newest batch of unlucky contestants."
Peach squeaks in delight.
"Oh, I can't wait to meet them! Will they be here soon?"
"Any second now!" Chris says checking his watch. "We gave each of them one of Conner's mobile transport thingys to get here, first one should be arriving right about now."
"Good," Conner says, returning to normal. "Let's see who you managed to scrounge up for this season,"
There's a flash of light and a new figure appears in the garden plaza in front of the house. Out of all the wild and fantastical contestants I multiverse gameshow can bring, this first one's very tame. He's human, white, male, about thirty-something years old with short reddish-orange hair. His clothing has a similar contemporary unremarkableness to it. Just a simple white T-shirt with a red jacket, and a pair of blue jeans and sneakers.
The man looks around with mild curiosity.
"Ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for our first contestant of the season," Chris announces. "all the way from the 31st century! Philip J Fry!"
Fry walks up to the step still seemingly absorbed in thought.
"Mr Fry! Welcome to my dear abode," Rodney says.
"Hi…"
Fry says frowning and pulling a piece of paper out of his jacket pocket. "You're Rodney, right? Just want to check I've got the right asteroid."
"How many other houses do you think are out here?" Daisy demands. Fry rallies himself into something of a more serious look.
"Ma'am I've been a delivery boy for the past thousand years, maybe longer if you count the time travelling. If there's one thing I take seriously, it's the girl of my dreams Leela. But if there's two things I take seriously, it's Leela, and delivering packages. Except in this case, I'm the package, and I owe it to that talking squirrel to deliver myself, no matter the personal cost. It's just like the professor says-wait."
He stops rambling suddenly and squints at Peach. Then gasps.
"Hey, I know you! You're that princess in the Mario games that's always getting kidnapped."
Rosalina, Daisy and Conner's glances shift to Peach. The Princess smiles sweetly.
"Mr Fry I hear you're from the future?"
"Oh, I just live there…" Fry says seemingly forgetting his last question. "I'm from 20th century New York, then I got frozen I woke up in 31st New New York, with spaceships and hover cars and robot best friends." He peers past them into the house. "Oh that reminds me. Is Bender here? He's been bragging about being in this game lately."
"Different season in a different dimension," Conner says.
Fry looks disappointed.
"…But if you'd be so nice as to wait in the parlour, some wonderful new friends will be along for you to meet." Peach offers.
Fry scratches his chin. "I've already got friends though."
"There's free food in there too," Chef grins.
Fry brightens up immediately.
"Alright."
And he strolls past them into the house.
Peach beams.
"He seems nice."
"He wasn't bugging you with his little comments?" Daisy asks putting an arm around her friend. Peach shakes her head.
"No, it's quite alright Daisy dear."
"Okay but if you ever change your mind..." Daisy says, shaking her fist threateningly.
"Quite alright." Peach repeats, easing Daisy's arm down gently.
…
A few minutes pass before another contestant arrives so Conner suggests they go wait inside with Fry. They're just settling into the hallway when theirs a hard knock on the door.
"Open up! This is the Police!"
Chris opens up the door.
A white rabbit with beady little eyes is waiting for them on the doorstep. He's got himself a tiny suitcase, in one hand and a police badge thrust out at them in the other.
"Freelance police!" He clarifies. "I'm investigating a vicious homicide and your prize money's the murder weapon. I'm gonna have to confiscate it right away!"
Chris chuckles. "Nice try Max!"
The rabbit shrugs. "It was worth a shot."
"Welcome to the show. Nice briefcase by the way. What's in there?"
"Just some odd personal ideas I don't go anywhere without. Contestant contract page 285, subsection 15 says we're entitled to some after all."
Chris looks impressed.
"Dude. I don't anyone's made it that far through the contract since Courtney's been a contestant. You must have a serious eye for paperwork."
"Gosh no," Max assures him. "I've got this horrible mental condition where I can't read more than ten pages of legal work without wanting to hurl myself out a window. But I got a partner back home that's real good with stuff like that."
"You must wish he was around."
"Yet even now I can still feel his presence judging me."
Something bangs from the inside of Max's luggage.
"Did your bag just move?" Chris asks. Max shrugs and smiles. Revelling a mouth full of pointed teeth.
"Mind your own damn business."
…
The next contestant rings the doorbell. Chris opens the door. There's a teenage boy standing there. Tall, square-faced and athletic. His brown hair done up in a mullet full of hairspray.
He peers over a pair of dark sunglasses.
"Steve Harrington!" Chris says. "Welcome to the Rodney house!"
"Hey, thanks um... I've got the right place right?"
"Uh… yeah dude? Don't know why everyone keeps asking that?"
"It's just your little note, invitation whatever it was said there'd be a talking squirrel."
"He's just helping my little toads get settled in, he'll be back soon," Peach insists.
"Cool. Excited about that, never seen a talking squirrel before. You guys sort of piqued my interest with that."
"Not used to the weird are you Steve?" Conner asks.
Steve scoffs. "Uh no actually I've got some practice with it."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I mean…" He looks around conspiratorially. "I don't know how much I'm supposed to talk about this since it's all secret government stuff but back in my town, Hawkins, there has been some seriously. Weird. Shit. These past couple years."
"Good because we get up some pretty weird shit ourselves," Conner says.
Steve unzips the backpack he's got on and retrieves a baseball bat spiked with nails.
"I think I can handle it."
He walks past them.
"Already this is easily, the nicest alternate dimension I've seen."
He pauses in thought for a moment.
"Forget I said anything about alternate dimensions."
"You're secret's quite safe with us," Peach assures him.
"Good," Steve says. He looks at her then points. "Hey, Princess Peach right? The kidnapped babe from the end of that new game Dustin was telling me about.?"
"Um... That's right." Peach says a little more hesitantly than last time. Steve smiles.
"That's kick-ass, I appreciate the eye candy."
"What's that mean!?" Daisy demands, an inch from his face, Steve retreats back.
"Uh nothing! Nothing… just gonna go ahead and get settled in now!"
"That's right keep moving bub!"
He scampers off into the parlour. Daisy catches the others looking at her.
"What?"
…
The next contestant doesn't knock or ring the doorbell. The front door simply swings open and she's standing there. It's a British schoolgirl, blonde, bespectacled and clad in her school uniform with a black beret, red shirt, black and yellow striped tie, green skirt, and black stockings.
"Hello! Name's Penny Crayon! How are you!?" She cries in a thick Yorkshire accent.
"Penny. Nice of you to barge in." Chris says.
"No trouble." She says. "Didn't much see a point in knocking when I had my own key."
She proudly holds up an old-fashioned door key. There's something off about it, some kind of strange waxy texture.
Chris folds his arms confidently. "Let me guess? Magic Crayon?"
"Never leave the house without it love!" Penny says, tapping a drawing crayon wedged behind her ear. "Wouldn't have signed up if you hadn't let me take it. Course now since I've brought it 'figure I've got the best shot of winning, don't I?"
She laughs loudly and walks into the sitting room.
…
There's a polite knock on the door. Contestant number five is a dark-haired man in his mid-twenties, dressed unassumingly in a black coat, light sweater and a plain pair of brown pants.
"Wallace Wells," Chris says. "Thank you for coming."
"Pleasures all mine," Wallace says, removing his coat and handing it to Chef (who promptly drops it on the floor)
"Not a bad place," He says looking around. "House like this would cost a fortune back in Toronto but here in space, I imagine you got the land cheap. Still seems small for this kind of show. How many people did you grab for this Real World knockoff again? Almost thirty?"
"I assure you my good man, my house may feel crowded now, but it will seem quite roomy once we've gotten started," Rodney promises. "The Princess discovered the same thing for herself last season, didn't you my dear?"
He winks at Peach, who giggles.
Wallace's eyes flash to her.
"Ah, so you're the fabled Peach Toadstool then?"
Peach laughs slightly awkwardly.
"That would be me."
Wallace cups his hands over hers gently.
"Congratulations on your performance last season. Scott told me all about it."
"Oh…" The Princess says completely taken aback. "T-thank you." She pauses for consideration. "I don't to offend you but-"
"Scott's Ramona Flowers's boyfriend. She was one of your fellow competitors back in Endless."
Peach smiles.
"Yes, I remember her now. Are you a friend of hers Mr. Wells?"
"Causal acquaintance at best," Wallace admits. "But of course, we do have one thing in common. Sleeping with Scott Pilgrim."
The staff stare at him blankly.
"I was Scott's roommate for a while. That's the joke." Wallace clarifies. He snaps his finger and gestures to the group. "Not that I'm opposed to sleeping with men. Quite the contrary in fact. Cute multiversal boys are about 70% of the reason I'm here."
"Is that so dude? Because my ever-invasive pre-season-contestant-background-check said you were in a stable relationship." Chris says. Wallace smiles.
"Mobile and I both have come to an agreement that this is too good an opportunity to miss out on. Trade-off is he's allowed any pretty body he wants while I'm gone." He winks.
"Alright enough," Chris says. "Begone you! If this show gets any gayer they won't let us air it in Dubai."
…
There's a harsh knock and the door. Chris opens it to find a punk wanting for him on the other side. His white hair's long and wild at the top, short at the sides. He wears a black hoodie and sweatpants over a white t-shirt. The only splashes of colour on his outfit are a gold medallion over his chest and the yellow rims of the sunglasses perched on his forehead.
"All the way from the Alola region it's Guzma!" Chris says.
The man at the door smirks.
"Aren't you a little old to be gym leader grandpa?"
Chris laughs sarcastically. "Do my ears deceive me or is someone already challenging their host?"
"You may think you're cozy in your position here in this out of the way region. But challenging the leader of Team Skull was your first and last mistake."
"Really? Because I'm pretty sure there's been…" Chris pauses. "Some kind of lapse in communication here."
Guzma laughs smugly.
"You cowering old man? Well, It's too late for that. Big bad Guzma's here!" He holds out a round palm-sized capsule, half red, half white.
"I hear you battle with a Skwovet." He says nodding to Rodney. "Pathetic! Get ready for battle so my Golisopod can teach it a thing or two."
Chris blinks.
"I really don't think we're on the same page here dude."
"This is a Pokemon Tournament isn't it?" Guzma insists. He frowns. "Right?"
Chris laughs at the source of Guzma's confusion finally clicking with the host.
"Is that what you thought we were doing? Oh, no way dude. This here's Total Drama, meaning you're the one that'll be going through a bunch of violent challenges instead of your pet." He leans forward. "You up for that Big Bad Guzma?"
Guzma seems taken aback a moment, then folds his arms and grins confidently.
"You've got strange rules around here old man, but fine. Let's do it!"
…
The doorbell rings. Then it rings again. Then Several more times.
He opens it. There's a teenage girl waiting. Half white, half Japanese with her long straight hair dyed purple with pink highlights.
"Sorry." She says. "I was impatient."
"Miko Kubota!" Chris proclaims. "Dude thanks for coming."
"No thank you for the invite." She says excitedly, bouncing up and down on the top step. "The competition is gonna be hype! Next level gaming what what?"
"You game in your spare time?" Chris asks her. Miko almost looks offended.
"I game all the time." She says seriously. "Video games are life or death to me. Seriously. I'd tell you more but… I'm uh… not supposed to say anything about it." She grins innocently.
"That's what Steve said," Peach says brightly. "Are you a friend of his?"
"Who's Steve?" Miko asks.
"I'm surprised you don't know these lovely ladies," Chris says gesturing to Peach and her friends.
Miko looks deeply confused. "Uh… Should I?"
"Yeah, dude. They're from a video game. Pretty popular one too. Figured a gamer girl like yourself would no that."
Miko stares at Peach. "Did you say they're from a game? As in they came out of a video game?"
"I mean… you know? Not exactly sure about the specifics but-"
"GLITCH!"
Miko grabs something from her bag and shoves it on her wrist. It's an electronic gauntlet of some kind. She points it at Peach threateningly. At once Daisy and Rosalina step between them.
"You got a problem!?" Daisy challenges.
"Bet you glitches thought you were home free didn't you?" Miko laughs. "Didn't expect a top-level Hinobi Glitch Tech to show up huh? Big mistake!" She cocks her gauntlet. "Prepare to be captured."
Chris laughs.
"Alright, Miko that's enough. I'll thank you not to put my interns in peril. That's my job."
The girls give him a look. Miko looks confused.
"But they're-"
"Uh no. They're not. Situations a little weird with the whole multiverse thing but bottom-line things don't work like they do in your world."
"Oooooh," Miko says slowly. She laughs sheepishly. "Then this is kind of embarrassing. Good thing you'll never remember it."
She flashes them all with a blinding light. Chris, Daisy and Peach are left blinking in confusion.
"…What were we talking about?" Chris asks.
"You were just telling me where the lobby was."
"Uh, it's just back through here," Chris says uncertainly.
"Great."
Miko walks off humming. Chris scratches his head.
"That was a short intro."
"She wiped your memory," Conner says.
"Oh," Chris says. "I'll have to watch out for that in the future."
"You know Chris you're surprising me a little here." Conner chuckles. "This has been a pretty good cast so far."
Chris raises an eyebrow.
"Uh… Yeah, I know. I picked them. What did you expect?"
"Something a lot more dangerous and reckless…"
A bolt of lightning inexplicably flashes through the dark void of space. A man in a wide-brimmed hat and red overcoat has materialized. He stands stock still, darkly grinning at them, two sets of sharp fangs on display.
"What a perfect night…"
"…You know, like a vampire," Conner says causally.
"Alucard!" Chris shouts ecstatically. "Totally stoked you make it dude! Thanks for signing up!"
"It's true normally I'm kept terribly busy," Alucard says walking slowly over the door and adjusting the cuffs of his white gloves.
"Fortunately, the filth and vermin of the world have been unusually quiet as of late. So the Hellsing Organization granted me some time off."
Chris nods "No better way to spend a vacation than a season of Total Drama."
"I'm sure it will be most peaceful," Alucard says. Causally drawing a heavy pistol from beneath his coat and staring down at the staff through a pair of opaque golden goggles. "If any loathsome worm is foolish enough to challenge our tournament then god have mercy on their worthless souls."
"Good to know you're looking out for us dude," Chris says.
Alucard walks past them into the sitting room. Conner gives Chris a look.
"So uh... Anime Count Dracula huh? That'll be something. Think you can keep him out of trouble?"
"Better than you could with your cast," Chris says slyly. Conner goes slightly pink behind the ears.
"What's wrong with my cast? My cast was perfect!" He insists. "Twenty-Seven of them and not a dull one in the bunch!"
There's another knock on the door. Chris opens it.
A familiar turquoise-haired mermaid is beaming at them innocently. Her oversized fishbowl perched on the front porch.
"Hiya! How you boys doing?"
"Uh, what's with the mermaid?" Chris asks.
"I'm Perky!" Perky exclaims perkily. "I'm here for the new season of your show. Mama's going all the way this year."
"Not ringing a bell."
"Chris tell me you didn't bring her back as a contestant?" Conner asks annoyed. Chris looks confessed.
"I thought she was with you."
Both men turn to Rodney. The squirrel shrugs.
"She's the henchwoman of an old associate of mine from Endless," Conner says disapprovingly. "…One I've made clear to that we're not working with this season. So it's anyone's guess what his little stooge is doing here?"
Perky's smile widens. Chris gives her a suspicious look.
"So let me get this straight. Just because you were on Conner's subpar season, you think you can just show up for mine uninvited and without auditioning?"
"I barely got to play last time!" Perky pouts. "My bowl broke first episode and they kicked me off. But it's okay! I got a new bowl, made of plastic this time! And look! I got a little castle now, and some new sand and-"
"Did Yerdey put you up to this?" Conner asks flatly.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Yerdey you mean the squid guy? Pfft get out of here." Perky insists. "We like never even hang out anymore, it's crazy."
One of the hedges in Rodney's garden rustles prompting Chris and Conner's gaze.
"Ignore the Squid in the bush." Come a muffled voice from foliage.
Perky giggles nervously. Chris gives her an annoyed look.
"Look Honey, I'll be real with you. This is my show, I'm the one that decides who plays, not you. However, I do like your guts in showing up here."
Perky brightens up.
"Really."
"No."
Chris slams the door on here.
"Yeah. Real great cast you had last season O'Gleeson."
Conner groans and rubs his hands down his face.
"Maybe I shouldn't have come back."
…
Soon after Rodney suggests Conner take a break from greeting to go help Chef Hatchet with the toads. The three ladies go with him.
The next contestant to show up is a pretty light-haired almost Japanese-looking young Brit in a detective's cloak and hat.
"Herlock Scholmes. At your command!" He says enthusiastically. Shaking both their hands.
"Don't you mean Sherlock Holmes sir?" Rodney asks. The detective scoffs.
"My dear professor! If I wasn't your humble guest I'd take terrible umbrage with that remark. However, I shall put it behind me for the shake of our blossoming professional relationship. For I promise to be the utmost professional on this case!"
"We don't have a case, we've got a competition," Chris says.
"Yes, it's a devilish brilliant maneuver you've made gentlemen, brilliantly devilish indeed." Herlock Scholmes says excitedly. "Invite a gathering of colourful characters to your estate they have the greatest detective in Britain on hand when things invariably go afoul! I applaud the foresight gentlemen! Why wait for the crime to occur before starting the detective work?!"
He walks off rambling into the lounge. Rodney turns to Chris.
"Is his name really Herlock Sholmes?"
Chris chuckles. "No idea dude. But ten bucks says he's going to be a lot of fun."
…
The next person to ring the door is a middle-aged man. Fat, bespectacled and dressed in a white button-down shirt and green pants.
"Hey, how's it going?" He asks in a nasally Rhode Island accent. "The name's Peter Griffin, from Quahog. I got your uh invite here."
"Hey…second person I didn't invite," Chris says uncertainly. "The invite was for Meg Griffin."
"Yeah, I know don't worry, I caught that it was printed with the wrong name. I forgive you. Now let's get this party started shall we?"
"I know what it said." Chris clarifies "It was meant for your daughter."
"Alright then. Sheesh, you don't have to spell it out. I'm too old for your show." Peter says annoyed. He whistles. A teenage boy in a blue shirt, blonde hair and a similar weight to Peter waddles over.
"I'd like to introduce you to my son. His name's also Chris. Chris is a uh… well he's…" Peter struggles for a moment. "…Yeah he's um… Chris, did we ever figure out if there's anything interesting about you?"
"Dad I'm not comfortable taking Meg's place." Moans the teenager.
"Don't worry you're not," Chris assured the teen, giving his father a dark look. "I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told the mermaid. This show's back in my hands, so no one gets to say who competes but I do, and I say I'm not accepting anyone but your daughter. Capisce?"
Peter sighs.
"I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this."
He covers his eyes and holds out his arm. In the open palm of his chubby hand is a polaroid of an average-looking teenage girl with chin-length brown hair and round glasses.
"You see this? That's my daughter. Look at her she's hideous. People don't want to see that. They want to see nice-looking people. Here look."
He pulls out a photo of a red-haired woman.
"This is my wife Lois. She's got a face made for TV. Put her on instead."
Chris raises an eyebrow. "I'm barely seeing a difference dude."
Peter Griffin recoils in disgust.
"Yeah alright… Alright buster! That tears it! you just earned yourself a Meg!"
He scammers off the stage then suddenly Chris and Rodney are forced to duck. The teenage girl from the photo suddenly soared towards them. She flies over them and lands in a heap in the hallway.
"Goodness!" Rodney says. "Is that any way to treat your children?"
"Yeah go ahead and enjoy that dumpster fire asshats! She's your problem now. Bye Meg sweetie! Have a good time at summer camp. Run Chris!"
"But dad-"
"Quick! Before she follows us!"
The two New Englanders scamper away.
The girl gets to her feet quietly.
"I must say my dear I'm very glad to see you out of that household and into my own," Rodney says with a note of concern.
"Thanks for having me! I'm super, super thrilled to be here." Meg says dissonantly happy and eyeing Chris hopefully. "People get rich and famous on this show don't they?"
"Sometimes," Chris says. "You my little Meg are going to fit in well. Anyone who can take that much torture has a promising shot at the money. Also, I like the look, very Beth from the original cast. Always nice to have girls like that."
"Was Beth one of the pretty ones?"
"Yeah… Sure. Why don't you go wait in the sitting room with the other contestants?" Chris suggests.
…
Conner and Chef return in time to greet another father and their daughter, though they couldn't have been further removed from the Griffins if they had tried.
"Mr. McLean and Mr. Squirrel," Announces an old man in worn 18th century attire. "Some pleasure I suppose to make your acquittance."
He gestures to the girl next to him. A modestly pretty brunette in her late teens. Dressed as nicely as a middle-class family in the Regency Era could hope to afford.
"I present as requested, my second eldest, my Dear Elizabeth, to stay with you on visit, as per your invitation."
"Mr. and Miss Bennet," Chris says bowing low. Besides him, Rodney's socially conscious enough to follow suit. "My name is Chris Mclean and I'll be your Master of Ceremonies, to my right is Doctor Rodney Squirrel, he is the lord of this estate. I'm honoured you've accepted the invitation we extended to your daughter."
"Yes, likewise…" Says the Mr. Bennet, regarding his surroundings with mild interest. "Do take care of my Elizabeth while you have you, won't you? I have in my possession four other daughters but I'm rather fond of this one. She has more of a quickness to her than my other girls don't you Elizabeth?"
His daughter gave a thin, almost mischievous grin.
"With due regard Father, you have no reason to disservice my sisters. Not even Lydia." Scorns the Younger Bennet playfully.
"I assure you Mr. Bennet that…" Chris pauses. "Hang on." He pulls out a tiny yellow guidebook by the title Regency Formalities for Dummies from his pocket and flips through it.
"Alright. As I was saying, I assure you that your daughter will be kept in civilized company, be treated with the respectable etiquette befitting an eligible woman of her background, and will be returned safely to her father's household once the ceremonies have concluded. Perhaps even with a great deal of fortune and prestige for her household's patriarch, depending on how well she conducts herself."
That last bit seemed to catch Mr. Bennet's ear. "In such case, she will conduct herself in a manner far exceeding her usual pedigree won't you Elizabeth?"
"Yes, I suppose I must have to." His daughter says with a slight air of humour.
Mr. Bennet takes his leave. Chris ushers his daughter into the house and drops the proper gentlemen act and turns to Elizabeth.
"So FYI everyone here's a freak in some capacity," Chris tells her bluntly. "So you're gonna have to get really used to people really messing with your stuffy 1800s sensibilities really quick or you won't last long."
"Best get used to roughing it with people you don't normally rub elbows with." Chef warns her, "…And you might want to wear something a little more practical."
The little smile on Elizabeth's face has disappeared and she looks from one man to the next, suddenly seeming very out of place in her formal evening gown and her hair done up.
"I see…" She says looking both apprehensive but also to some extent intrigued. "Already you make your unorthodox constitutions apparent. Are… all your guests besides myself your sort of company?"
"Yeah, think you can handle that, Dear Elizabeth?" Chris asks.
The ghost of Elizabeth's smile returns.
"You may be surprised." She promises them, before retiring to the parlour.
"The lead of Pride and Prejudice," Conner says smiling to himself. "You know, not someone I'd thought you pick McLean."
"Blame Chef, it's one of his favourites." Chris teases. Chef nods solemnly.
"That Jane Austen had a way with words."
…
There's a harsh knock, followed by several more.
Chris opens the door. There's a beat cop standing there clad in his blue uniform. He's of African descent, presumably American judging by the accent, and bald with pronounced black eyebrows and a chevron moustache. Over all the man bares a passive resemblance to a young Samuel L Jackson.
"About time." The cop says (His voice even closer to the actor than his appearance) "Thought I was gonna have to bust down that door."
He chuckles.
"Just a little police humour for ya'll."
"Officer Frank Tenpenny." Chris says. "Nice of you to come."
"Oh, I assure you I'm delighted to be here," Tenpenny says. He walks past them into the house before being formally invited. He looks around, whistling sharply.
"Fine place you got here. This yours or your little squirrel friends?"
"Mine," Rodney says. "I humbly welcome you to my home."
"Like I said De-lighted to be here," Tenpenny says.
"So, Officer. We don't get a lot of cops playing Total Drama. Think you've got what it takes?" Chris asks.
"Depends. Your flyer said this was a social game?"
"Most sociable game around."
Tenpenny smirks.
"Shit. I'm the most sociable guy in Los Santos! Sounds like I'll get along just fine."
…
The next knock after Tenpenny comes very softly.
"Was that someone at the door?" Rodney asks.
Chris shrugs.
He opens the door.
There's no one there.
"Hello?" Chris calls out.
"Hello."
"Who said that?"
"Look down," Conner instructs.
Chris looks down and yelps.
There's a living ragdoll peering up at him from the welcome mat, staring at him with glass eyes. She only goes up to his knees, her hair's made of red yarn and her dress is blue with red polka dots.
"Oh, I didn't frighten you did I?" The doll asks askes bashfully.
"Raggedy Ann!" Chris gasps. "You're looking… well."
She blushes. "Thank you. I had all my loose seams stitched up for the big show."
"Great! Great. Rodney, why don't you show her to the sitting room?"
Rodney chuckles.
"Is that really all the introduction we're going to give miss-"
"Now Rodney!"
"…Very well."
He takes Raggedy Ann's hand and shows her inside. The little doll hops along at an uneven waddle. Her little legs filled with cotton.
Conner laughs. "What a little cutie she was?"
Chris shivers.
"What?" Conner asks.
"I'm just not a fan of talking dolls."
"Didn't you invite her?"
"Yeah but… she didn't look so freaky in her picture." He shutters. "I think it's the eyes."
"Day one and you're already scared of your own cast."
"Am not!"
He turns around to close the door.
Another girl's staring him in the face.
"GAH!"
"Hello!" Chirps the new contestant.
Chris falls backwards. The new girl stares down, inspecting him. She's an odd sight, dressed like a mechanic with steel-toed boots and thick gloves. Her lilac hair cascades down in two ankle-length pigtails that curiously enough seem prehensile. One of them forms a hand and retrieves a tape recorder from one of her many pockets.
"Rodney House: Log 1: Day 1: Hour 1: Just arrived in the Space Kingdom, using teleporter provided by sender. Estate is deeply impressive; I must learn the secrets of the technology that makes it function. Only one local so far, the doorman. Seems skittish, don't know why. No sign of any local princesses."
"They're on their way," Chris says angrily, dusting himself off.
"How Lovely. Say, do you happen to work for Rodney Squirrel? I want to meet the creator of this place."
Chris snorts indignantly. "Also on his way. Seems like the second he disappears people start asking about him."
"Hence my hasty return," Rodney says emerging from the sitting room. "Ah, I see we have a new guest."
The girl shoves Chris out of the way in a rush to shake Rodney's hand. "Name's Entrapta!"
"Rodney. Charmed to meet another inventor."
"So it's true then?" Entrapta asks. "This house is powered by technology, not magic?"
"It's complicated dear. But I assure you come with me and you'll shortly see what it's truly capable of."
Entrapta giggles ecstatically like a teenage girl watching a boy band on stage, she and Rodney walk off into the sitting room.
Chris watches them go and then glares at Conner who's chuckling softly.
"Don't you want to go away again or something?"
"This whole multiverse thing's harder than it looks isn't it?" Conner chortles.
"Everything's fine dude."
The doorbell rings.
"Allow me." Conner insists.
He opens the door. There's a teenage boy in a blue and white school uniform. He has a prominent scar over his right eye.
"Took you gentlemen long enough."
"Gary Smith!" Chris says. "Welcome to the show."
"We're so glad you could make it. How the hell are you, ya beautiful angel?! How was your trip?" Conner adds, mimicking Chris's tone. Chris gives him a warning look.
"Very quick. Almost too much so." Gary says. "That coupled with the talking rat I see before me…" He gestures at Rodney who's just returned. "Leads me to believe that instead of the money you promised to give me. You've jacked me up on drugs. Which, as I told the last group of stuck-up assholes that tried to feed me meds, is a very poor play."
"Seeing really is believing around here Gary," Chris assures him. "I understand this is kind of a 'High concept' season. But If you think this is bad, you're in for a rough time when you see your fellow contestants."
"What are they? A bunch of mutant freaks? Or perhaps the usual attention-desperate social rejects you normally see on these garbage TV shows."
"Little of both."
The boy sneers.
"God what a crockpot. I'm almost gonna feel bad dominating whatever worthlessly cast you stuck me with."
"SCRAWK!"
Something very tall and very muscularly has materialized behind Gary. The boy turns around.
Standing behind him on a doorstep is a slightly terrifying amalgamation of human and avian. Over two metres tall, the creature has the head of a vulture and a vaguely human body, taught with muscle and entirely bald save for a patch of short brown feathers around his collar and shoulders. Its limbs are elongated and end in sharp claws, its waist is wrapped in a blue skirt. Its two giant wings folded behind its back.
"I Vultureman have arrived!" Thunders the beast.
"Vultureman!" Chris cries excitedly. "Dude! I am so stoked so have you, dude!"
"That is natural!" Vultureman squawks.
"Tell me," Chris says. "The bio I got back on you was sort of confusing. It said you were either a member of a gang of mutants from the planet Plun-Darr or the Prefect of the floating city of Avista."
"Correct!"
"No, I mean which one are you dude?"
"CORRECT!" Shrieks Vultureman.
"I'm sensing another Guzma style disconnect here," Chris says. "Gary you want to add anything here?"
He gives a humoured glance over to the schoolboy. One can almost see the teen's sense of reality shattering irreparably. He stands frozen in place for a moment, the synapsis in his brain having shut down in the face of this critical error, now frantically searching for any scraps of recognizable logic lying about. Finding none, Gary Smith reanimates and seems to default to his normal programming.
"My, my I am impressed." He relents. "You three must have paid a fortune for a spring turkey this big. Or maybe not considering it looks like it's gone bad."
Vultureman's head gives a very avian spasm and he jerks it down towards Gary. Staring down a long sharp beak at the boy."
"Awk! What did you say boy?"
"Careful now. Let's not fight here, it'll offend our host."
Vultureman tenses up. Chris looks nervous.
"You know on second thought, maybe I should offer to help Peach with the toads," Conner says.
…
Further down Rodney's impossibly long front hallway, Princess Peach steps out of a doorway and lets out a sigh of satisfaction. All many hundreds of her beloved toads were settling in nicely now.
She allows herself a moment's pause to take in her surroundings. She had last walked these halls near the start of last season. Not that long ago truthfully, but it felt now like a lifetime ago.
The sound of footsteps alerts her to Conner, walking down the hallway towards her and chuckling to himself.
"Oh, Conner Hello again."
"Princess…"
The humour in his eyes seems to disappear when he sees her.
"…Um how are the toads?"
"They're settling in very nicely." She smiles. "I didn't get to say so earlier but I'm I must say I'm so excited to be working with you this season Conner. It will be such a threat to be part of your production.
Conner smiles somewhat hesitantly. "Peachy I'm flattered but… just… checking, you know you're not under contract, right? I mean no one's forcing you to be here. You can change your mind at any point and no one we'll hold it against you. Any point you want to go home we'll make do without you."
"That's very kind of you Conner, but I'm very happy to be here." Peach insists.
"Of your own choice?"
"Not unless there's someone else in my head making decisions for me," Peach laughs.
Conner looks at her very strangely. Then abruptly he walks forward and nudges her chin up, taps the side of her head, circles around her, then withdraws again and stares at her, apparently unsatisfied with whatever search he's just conducted on her.
"I see…" He says cryptically. "Well um… I'm happy to have you Peach. It'll be nice to have a friendly face around. I'm sure you've heard but Chris McLean's seasons can get rather intense."
"SCRAW!"
Vultureman's cry comes echoing in the distance. Peach looks at Conner quizzically.
"What was that?"
"New arrivals," Conner says causally. "I think one's taken the other hostage or something."
…
The Two emerge from the front door.
"Oh my, to find the situations escalated considerably. Vultureman now thrashing wildly around Rodney's immaculate front garden. Chef Hatchet has made another appearance. His burly form weighed on the beast's back. Reaching vainly for Gary Smith, trapped firmly within Vultureman's talons.
"My stars! What's happened."
"Don't worry Chris assures me he's got it all under control." Conner smirks.
No sooner as she's taken all this in Peach is ready to help resolve this conflict herself something happens that makes her pause. A voice, quiet, feminine and regal rings out somewhere to her left.
"What are they doing to that Rito?"
The Princess turns and finds herself quite taken aback. A girl is staring at her inquisitively. She's young, late teens perhaps, her hair cut chin length is near to the same golden blonde colour as Peach's. She wears a travelling outfit, a green cloak and a blue tunic woven carefully with intricate gold details, the most prominent of which being a triangular symbol over her heart. Clearly, it's of some importance as it repeats several times on her outfit.
"Are these the sort of games your chief promised? If so, I don't have any interest in them."
"Oh no!" Peach says, coming out of her momentary unreadiness. "This must be a misunderstanding."
"Are you involved in this?" The girl demands.
"No!... Well not quite. I just-"
The girl looks at her inquisitively. Then a sense of recognition dawns in her sea-green eyes and she seems to reassess Peach.
"You're a princess." She breaths. It's not a question. Indeed something about the way the girl carries herself also suggests royalty.
Before either of them gets another word in they're distracted by Conner's laughter.
"So… He got you did he?" He asks the teen. "Probably thought he was being clever? Oh, I'll get him for this."
"I don't understand," Peach says.
"Out of the way ladies!" Chris shouts, pushing past them, seemingly oblivious to the fact he has a new contestant.
He rushes up to Vultureman.
"Vultureman! Dude! You see what I got?!"
He throws down a bag of birdseed.
"See that!? And there's a lot more for you dude if you let the future criminal go!"
Vultureman cackles.
"Am I supposed to take your pitiful bargain seriously?"
"THAT WAS THE BIG PLAN YOU WERE ALL PROUD ABOUT FIVE MINUTES AGO!?" Chef thunders as Vultureman tries to shake him loose.
"Shut up! It sounded way better in my head." Chris pouts.
"Now what do you propose?" Rodney asks.
"Don't know dude? You got like a garden hose?"
"WHAT'S A HOSE SUPPOSED TO DO AGAINST THE MONSTER!?" Gary bellows
"Well, I suppose I've tried far stranger things," Rodney says with a shrug.
He walks over to his hose and turns in on full. A jet of water douses the great bird.
"Awk! If you think the great and powerful VULTUREMAN will bend to such a pathetic attack you've got another thing coming!"
"Can't you make that thing shoot fire or something?" Chris demands.
"Well, I could but it'd ruin my Hyacinths."
Vultureman cackles then go silent, they all do.
Something's happened to the water, it flows out of Rodney's garden hose upwards where it collects into a dancing band above Vultureman's head. The beast watches it, craning his head curiously at the puzzling sight. Then without warning the band dives for him, forming a ring and coiling around his legs, binding them together. The beast caws in alarm as the water freezes suddenly, causing him to tumble over and release his hostage.
As Vultureman's hulking figure is knocked over, the others can see another teenage girl walking towards them and stretching. Hair and skin dark, her dress and eyes deep blue.
"Katara!" Chris shouts happily. "Perfect timing!"
"Thanks. Sorry, I missed most of the action." The girl says brightly.
"Don't sweat it. Thanks for the save there. I'm sure Chef appreciated it."
Chef gives them both a sour look then dusts himself off and shuffles away, muttering darkly about wondering why he came back.
Katara looks humble.
"Always happy to help." She gives Vultureman another look. "But if you have a problem with spirits like that guy then I think it's gonna be a busy couple of weeks."
"That's not a spirit." The other new girl says walking over with Peach. "That poor individual seems to be a Rito. They're avian descendants of the Zora."
Katara looks confused. "I thought it was spirit?"
"No, this one seems quite alive."
"Actually ladies, you're both wrong," Chris says happily. "Vultureman's a mutant from Third Earth, kind of potentially, maybe. Ask him about it later. Also don't worry, this won't happen again. Not unless Gary decided to be an idiot again."
"He attacked me!" Gary snaps defensively.
"You deserved it, dude!" Chris calls. "Also!" He turns to Peach's new companion. "Princess Zelda! Nice to see you! When'd you get here?"
"Not long ago." The girl says.
"Great well. You know I'd love to chat but this episode's starting to run long and we've still got a couple more houseguests coming. So why don't the four of you newbies follow Rodney."
"Sure thing," Katara says freeing Vultureman. Both he and Gary grumble.
Zelda nods to Peach.
"I must be going."
"Well, it was very nice to meet you," Peach says.
"Yes. I… Oh, I'm afraid we've yet to be properly introduced."
Peach laughs. "So we haven't."
She curtseys.
"I am Princess Peach, of the Mushroom Kingdom."
The girl bows.
"Zelda, Once and future Princess of Hyrule."
…
With Chef and Conner's aid, the contestants get settled in, Soon it's just Peach and Chris standing in the front hall. The princess sees him smirking at her from the corner of her eye.
"Is everything alright?" She asks tentatively.
"All good," Chris says.
There's a moment of silence, then he speaks up again.
"So … You and Zelda seem to get along. Don't you?"
"Yes. She seems like a lovely young Princess." Peach agrees, not quite certain what point he was trying to make. Chris nods, seemingly satisfied.
"Good… good."
The doorbell rings. Chris opens the door.
There's a boy on the doorstep clutching his backpack. His dark hair short and tidy. He pushes a pair of red-rimmed glasses up to the bridge of his nose and looks at the two grown-ups in wonder. He can't be any older than ten.
"Oh, man." He breathed.
"Jack Smith!" Chris said. "No relation to Gary Smith by the way audience. Good to see you little dude. Safe travels?"
"What? Oh yes. I guess so." Jack said distractedly.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing!" Jack says quickly. "Thank you for having me, It was very kind of you to have me."
The boy fidgets.
Peach smiles gently. "Jack you can tell us if you're upset about something."
Jack sighs.
"I guess It just feels strange to go on an adventure without my sister, Annie."
"You do a lot together?" Peach asks sympathetically.
"We go everywhere," Jack says. "Elizabethan England, The time of Dinosaurs, the Arctic, Egypt, Pirate times…"
"Nice to know you've got some serious expert under your belt kid," Chris says. "Just don't count on being prepared for this game. Whatever you've seen or been through…" He laughs. This will be totally worse."
Jack takes a deep breath.
"Oh, man." He whispers again.
…
Someone bangs on the front door loudly.
Chris opens it. A young woman is standing there. Waist-length black hair, black lipstick and piercing green eyes. She wears a green and black jumpsuit.
"Shego!" Chris says.
"The money." The newcomer says bluntly. "Hand it over."
"And that's now two contestants that have tried that."
She grabs Chris by the collar and raises a fist. Ominous green energy glows from her closed hand.
"Now." She growls.
Peach clears her throat.
"Excuse me, but that's not a very nice thing to do your host."
Shego gets a quick eyeful of Peach.
"Ugh! What's with all the pink? Shouldn't you be off making goo-goo eyes at Prince Charming or something?"
"If you have a problem with Mr Mclean I'm sure you can resolve it peacefully."
"Take a hike princess! I'm about to make the fastest million in this show's history."
Peach sighs.
"I was hoping it wouldn't come to this."
She claps her hands. There's a faint rumbling before all at once a hundred toads materialize and tackle Shego. The villainess lets out a startled cry before they swarm her and pin her to the ground.
Peach shakes her head in disapproval. "And they had just settled in for their nap."
Chris dusts himself off and strolls over to Shego, smirking down at her.
"Well, that was exciting. Congratulations Shego for being the second contestant to attack someone before they made it in the door. That's kind of impressive. Anyway, let me clear up some stuff up 'cause it seems you're a little confused here. You signed my contract, meaning you're one of the latest victims of by gameshow, meaning if you want the money you're gonna have to win it fair and square. Otherwise, I can get this little army here to hogtie you and leave in the cargo bay of Conner's ship. Where I'm sure he'll be kind enough to take your loser butt by to Loserville. What do you think?"
Shego scowls. "I think I hate you."
Chris beams. "Great! That was what forty seconds? Think you broke a record."
Shego groans as the Toads carry her away.
"Man, I am loving having those Toads around." Chris muses to Peach. "You got a good thing going, princess."
"Thank you."
"Those little guys are tougher than they look. I'm surprised Bowser's ever able to give you such a hard time."
Peach winces.
"I don't think we need to discuss that."
…
A new contestant rings the doorbell. As soon as the door's open she steps into the house, hands cupped and neck craned.
"Wow. Just look at this place."
She's a scientist, or a least, her lab coat suggests she is. She seems to be in her mid-thirties, with bushy black hair bound back in a scrunchie and white octogen-rimmed glasses.
"I mean really, first of all, interior décor is on point, secondly the asteroid base with a breathable atmosphere, the spatial anomalies, the stabilization of extradimensional particles, the…"
She throws up her hands and sets them back down again, evidentially there's too much to say.
"I mean you promised a lot in that flyer, But I must say, you don't disappoint Mr Squirrel."
"Uh… I'm not Rodney I'm Chris Mclean." Chris says.
The newcomer laughs silently.
"Of course, I should have recognized you by the toupee."
"It's not a toupee." Chris retorts a little insecurely.
The new contestant looks around keenly. "Where is Rodney? I'd like to meet him?"
"Uh yeah he's around but-"
"Right. Where are my manners."
She extends her arm.
"Doctor Olivia Octavius. Theoretical Physicist. I've written multiple papers on countless interpretations of the multiverse hypothesis but…"
She looks around again.
"None of it compares to field work." She breathes.
"You're probably pretty excited to be here then." Chris laughs. Olivia looks at him intensely.
"Very excited."
…
Someone politely raps the door with their knuckles. Chris opens it and at once his face lights up. He's had a showman like excitement for everyone today but now Chris looks positively giddy.
The new arrival's a friendly enough-looking man in a large brown suit jacket and yellow dress shirt. His black hair combed neatly.
"I'm here for the competition." He says. His tone is amicable but formal.
"Almost last but totally not least, our special guest this season Bruce Wayne!" Chris practically shouts, seizing the man's hand and shaking it as violently as Daisy had shaken his earlier.
"Thank you. That's very kind." Bruce says with mild stiffness. He goes to shake Peach's hand as well, partly to be polite and partly to escape Chris.
"Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you as well. Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom."
"Bruce Wayne…" He pauses then adds. "…Of Gotham City."
The princess gasps.
"I've been to Gotham!"
"Have you?" Bruce asks surprised.
"Yes, we were there last season for a challenge. Did you hear about it?"
"I... um… can't say I did," Bruce says slightly confused. "Must have skipped the paper that morning."
"Bruce Wayne!"
The three of them look up. Conner's striding towards them, grinning like a Cheshire cat.
"You old dog you! We meet again!"
"Have we met?" Bruce asks sounding genuinely perplexed. Though even as he's asking the question his eyes have come alive with alarm.
Conner chuckles.
"Trying to keep up public appearances I see. That's alright I be insulted if you didn't." He puts an arm around Peach. "You remember Her Royal Peachiness, don't you? Great contestant of mine back in Endless."
"Conner, what are you talking about?" Peach asks curiously.
"Dude quit messing with Ba- Bruce Wayne." Chris snaps.
"Chris I bet you're pretty how would you say it? Stoked to have this guy aren't you?"
"I may or may not have been fantasying about going on adventures with this guy since I was like four," Chris states matter-of-factly. "Which is why I'd thank you not to scare him off my flippin' show!" He turns back to Bruce. "Sorry about Conner. He's something of a menace to society."
"It's fine I hear we have plenty of those back in Gotham," Bruce says. He picks up his suitcase. "If it's all the same to you I think go get settled in now."
He walks off to the sitting room rather briskly.
Conner shakes his head.
"You really went out and bagged yourself a bat."
"The greatest superhero of all time as a contestant under the greatest host of all time," Chris says proudly. "And I'm serious dude! You scare off my Batman I swear I'll get you banned from this show for life."
The doorbell rings once more.
Chris opens the door.
The final contestant is an adult woman, dressed in a tank top, grey pants, and heavy boots. Her long purple hair is tied back in a ponytail. However, The most pressing aspect of her appearance though seemed to be the top half of her face, most of which is taken up by a single massive eye.
"Hello. I'm here for the competition."
Chris squealed in alarm. The woman sighs.
"It's the eye isn't it?"
"Of course not!" Chris says quickly. "It's just so much more…noticeable in person."
"I get that a lot." She says flatly.
"Anyway. Uh Turanga Leela! Welcome to the show."
"Thanks. It's nice to be here. I'm looking forward to getting away from my co-workers for a while." She says politely, tossing the bag she brought to Conner.
"Corporate wage slaves back home getting you down?" He asks.
"No there'd sweet people, just… let's be nice and call them emotionally taxing. A girl's got to get away from it all once and a while."
The thud of heavy footsteps approaching rings out before the door to the sitting room is thrown open. Fry's just emerged, eyes bulging.
"Leela!?"
The newcomer sighs again.
"Oh lord."
"Leela!" Fry exclaims jubilantly, rushing forward and bonding over to hug her. She pushes him away.
"Fry, enough. I told you I'm not ready for public displays of affection."
"What are you doing here!?"
"I signed up months ago." She gives him a look of disproval. "What about you? You didn't join this thing just because I was going to be here did you?"
Fry shakes his head.
"No! I thought Bender was gonna be here. Also, a magical talking squirrel! But it doesn't matter! Now you're here! Which means we'll win for sure!"
He spins in place and turns to Chris, Conner and Peach, positively overflowing with boyish glee.
"Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Leela's here! Remember that special Leela I was talking about it!? This is her! Leela's my Leela!"
Leela looks embarrassed. "We're sort of dating."
"You two seem very happy together," Peach says smiling.
"I need to tell everyone you're here! They'll never believe it!" Fry says excitedly. He takes Leela by the arm and leads her away.
Peach signs happily.
"There is nothing more special in the world than two people that love each other."
"Totally dude. I'm gonna enjoy prying them apart." Chris says. Peach looks concerned.
"What?"
"Would you look at that?" Chris says, looking at his watch. "Every contestant accounted for, even if it made us go seriously over time. Now let's move people. Time to start this thing for real.
…
Twenty-one of the twenty-three contestants have gathered in the sitting room, waiting for their host. No one has much to say to one another yet. Entrapta and Olivia are both buzzing around the room, absorbing all they see keenly. Penny, Max, and Miko are bouncing in their seats impatiently. Gary and Shego are still sulking, Guzma still looks confused, Katara gives everyone who meets her eyes a friendly wave, and everyone's doing their best to avoid Vultureman. His beastly figure looks comically oversized in the soft Victorian armchair he's sitting in.
The door flies open and in comes Fry and Leela.
"Everyone! Look who it is! It's Leela! she's here!"
"Welcome to the group," Katara says.
"Thank you," Leela says politely. "Sorry about Fry, he's just very earnest about things." She leans in and whispers. "You have to understand he's from the 20th century."
"He's from the future?" Elizabeth asks, somewhere between being deeply startled and deeply intrigued.
"Aren't we…all from the 20th century?" Steve asks confused.
"No, I'm from the 21st," Wallace says causally, swirling a cosmopolitan in his hand.
"Well, I'm from the 31st." Leela clarified.
"Awk it appears I Vultureman have arrived in a place beyond time!" Vultureman squawks.
Rodney arrives, the seven other principal members of the staff shadowing him.
"Contestants!" Rodney calls. "Welcome. All of you to my humble abode. It is an honour to bear host to so many wonderful people. I can only hope I won't disappoint you."
"Never!" Entrapta gushes.
"Try me." Snaps Shego.
Rodney chuckles.
"Let's be off then."
The thirty-one of them shuffle back out into the hallway.
"Get a last look at the outside world Houseguests," Chris says gesturing to the open front door. "For all but one of you, next time you step outside these walls will be your elimination ceremony."
"This still feels like a small gym to be hosting a tournament in," Guzma says disapprovingly.
"Is this one of those shows where a bunch of nasty jerks live in a huge mansion and get all bored and backstabby?" Miko asks.
"Lord. You mean the ones where they make the woman act all slutty?" Leela grumbles.
"I'll act slutty if it'll get people to like me." Meg offers.
Shego groans.
"I miss Drakan already."
Up front Princess Peach looks down to Rodney.
"Mr. Squirrel do they not know the secret behind your house?"
"Haven't been told a thing, my dear." Rodney smiles.
Daisy laughs. "Boy, I can't wait to see the look on their faces."
Suddenly Entrapta appears behind them, throwing her arms around Peach and Daisy's shoulders.
"Ah, fellow Princesses! At last, we meet! I've made some startling discoveries about this fortress! According to my observations, this hallway should have already reached the back of the dwelling several feet before now."
"Thirty-seven feet actually." Olivia clarifies, looking at Rodney with energized captivation in her eyes. "Mr. Squirrel your house is bigger on the inside."
"Oh, it's more than that." Rodney laughs. "Is this far enough for adequate suspense Christopher?"
"You're the master of this place dude," Chris says. "Your call."
"Very well then. Everyone make sure you've got your balance steady."
"Why?" Fry asks.
A second later his feet fly out from under him. Several other contestants stagger.
The floor beneath their feet itself has lurched forward and is now moving independently from the walls. Their tacky wallpaper whizzes by as the segment of floor they're on slowly moves past them.
"The hell…" Tenpenny murmurs.
"Wow." Penny whistles.
"Golly." Raggedy Ann says.
"My dear guest as some of you already suspect my house is no ordinary house. It is also the cumulation of a lifetime of study. The conclusion to an obsession if you will." Rodney says. "Since I was a young kit there's been a great fire of passion within me for all things unknowable, uncountable, infinite.
I spend years immersed in academia, in attempting to fulfill my insatiable thirst for knowledge on the subject. None of it proved enough. I wanted more. I wanted to see before me what had previously existed solely in mathematical axioms or the powers of the divine. I wanted my esteemed guests, to make the unquantifiable quantifiable, a finite piece of infinity."
He looks back at the cast.
"They called me mad…"
"I think this squirrel's a little nuts," Bruce says.
"I fear for his mental faculties," Zelda says with a note of concern.
"I don't know about you guys, but I'm real psyched he decided to reveal that after he had us trapped," Steve says.
The walls whizzing by them begin to pick up speed until their nothing but a blur.
"Is everyone ready?" Rodney asks
"Not really," Katara admits.
Rodney chortles. "You have nothing to fear. No harm will come to you now. This is my domain!"
"He's definitely going to kill us," Miko says with a worried look.
"…And just when I was starting to like the guy," Max says.
Rodney takes his walking stick in one hand a opens a hidden slot on it, revealing a touch display and keypad.
"Esteemed houseguests, may I present to you….my home!"
There is a deafening noise as the ceiling and walls are torn away and disappear up into a golden sky. Gone is any semblance of a house, they're flying segment of carpet now soars amongst the clouds, high above an idyllic pastoral landscape stretching on in all directions below them.
The effect is apparent immediately on the new cast. Even the most stoic of them seem deeply impressed. There's a chorus of ohs and ahs and other exclamations of all kinds, from the most childlike to ones far more vulgar.
"Dude this is all your house!?" Miko asks a gasp. Rodney chuckles.
"As Conner once said I enjoy my space."
"Seems like kind of a crummy house," Shego says, looking the least impressed of the bunch.
"Do you not like it?" Rodney asks surprised.
"It's supposed to be a house, right?" Shego asks. "Where do you sleep? Up a tree?"
"Not since my early days dear. What you're seeing is but the slimmest fraction of my creation. For example, say you'd like something more civilized…"
A doorway appears suspended in mid-air. They fly through it and all at once the scene's changed. Now they're high above a dense nighttime cityscape of glittering skyscrapers and neon lights.
"Wow! Urban sprawl! My favourite." Shego quips dryly.
"Then perhaps you'd care for something a tad bit more traditional."
Another doorway and now it's mid-day. They're soaring over a high fantasy medieval town on the seaside.
"Oh no indoor plumbing? Where do I sign?" Snips Shego.
"Don't listen to her, this is incredible," Katara says gently. Shego gives her a dirty look.
"Thank you, my dear," Rodney says.
They pass through another doorway. They're above fluffy white cumulus clouds. Several ringed planets hang in the sky over them.
"My house can create every and any environment known to man. Indoor or outdoor regardless of size. From a broom closet to a gas giant. All of them under my control." Rodney explains.
The carpet beneath their feet shifts, pulling apart into thirty-one segments then stretching and expanding until they are translucent. The group's now floating along in giant soap bubbles.
"God damn chipmunk," Tenpenny says. "You're like some kind of little furry god in this place."
"Me? A god." Rodney asks laughing. "No, my dear friend. No. I leave such things to those who are truthy divine."
He nods respectfully to Conner, then curiously, to Rosalina, before returning his gaze to Tenpenny. A mischievous twinkle in his eye.
"Though I must admit I've occasionally dabbled in abiogenesis."
There's a great noise below them before a great flock of birds emerges from one of the clouds. Dozens of species past them, Albatrosses, hummingbirds, eagles and archeopteryxes.
"My house through its simulations can create any form of life large or small. Just so long as it isn't intelligent. I'm rather unfond of the moral implications of such an experiment so I've made it the one thing my house will not give rise to. In any role where an intelligent being would normally be I find populating the space with nonsentient automatons more than suffices."
"Back up!" Miko says. "You said 'simulates'" She looks at him funny. "Are we in Virtual Reality?"
Conner laughs. "God no. What kind of season would use a tacky gimmick like that?"
"It must be magic then." Jack breaths.
"Magic doesn't exist, little boy, this is advanced technology," Olivia says confidently.
"I say it's probably both," Entrapta says.
"I say we must be in the world's biggest Poke Ball," Guzma says.
"The girl with the pigtails is closest to the truth," Rodney says nodding to Entrapta. "It's a fair bit more complicated than that but that's not important at the moment."
"Instead, why don't we talk about what is important? The game." Chris says.
All at once their bubbles pop and they're sent tumbling down into the clouds. There's a fair bit of panic from the contestants before they land neatly in a pit of foam cubes.
"Anyone else's life flash before their eyes just now?" Steve asks.
"Several times actually," Herlock says causally. "It was most illuminating."
They're now in a large concrete room. Chris and the staff already out of the pit and standing before them.
"Now. This season's pretty high concept." Chris admits. "So in case you got lost along the way, here's how Total Drama works.
Now that I'm back you guys are in store for the single greatest reality show in causality bar none. The rules are simple. You live here in the Rodney House for the next couple months. Get a real good look at everyone around you. These people are both your greatest asset and your greatest threat. Every day we'll do some kind of dangerous, dignity destroying and occasionally disgusting challenge. Normally our challenges would be limited to what Chef and the interns could build out of plywood in a day. However, with Rodney's big beautiful invention on hand, I have a literally infinite amount of resources for things I can throw at you people. And you better believe I'm gonna put them to good use."
He cackles sinisterly.
"If you do good, you'll be able to sleep soundly knowing you made in one more day in the game. You do bad, you're up for elimination. Because after every challenge we all get together and decide who are least favorite person is. If you're fellow contestant decide it's you then I got real bad news for you dude. You will be kicked out of this house, and this game.
Well, continue like that until we have our winner, who will be receiving this!"
The concrete wall behind him opens up to reveal a clear cannister, encrusted with light bulbs. They flash brightly as the blaring sound of a casino jackpot plays, and gold coins and wads of cash by the thousands come raining from a chute above them and quickly fill the space
"That is your prize money right there. Five million dollars, or whatever the equivalent is in your currency. All safely in its bulletproof container so no one gets any ideas Shego."
"You're no fun."
"That's debatable," Chris argues. "Now. Any questions on the competition?"
"On your invitation, you said this was a charity gala," Bruce says disapprovingly.
"I might have lied because I really wanted you on the show," Chris admits. "I'll make you a deal to make up for it Wayne. Since I know you don't need the money, you're free to donate the money to charity if you win. And Total Drama will match you with another five-million-dollar donation."
Bruce looks conflicted. "That'd be a lot of money for a good cause." He considers it. "I'll participate for now, but no more tricks."
"Deal!"
"If I win and donate the money, can I have another five million too?" Max asks. "You know, so I can immediately in turn donate it to charity as well."
"Depends dude. What charity?"
"The cause for Lagomorphs desperately desiring a ten-mil investment"
"Nice try, but no."
"That's a shame. I have really used that extra dough."
Chris claps his hands "You guys will spend the first half on the competition in teams, two specifically. There's just one catch, For brownie points anyone tell me what it is?"
"There are twenty-three participants." Olivia acknowledges. "That would mean-"
"The teams will be unbalanced!" Entrapta interrupts.
Chris nods in approval. "Correctemundo. Or should I say Uncorrectemundo? While twenty-three people would be impossible to split evenly, we don't have to worry about that. What you houseguests don't know is that one of you's about to become a loser right now."
"Who might that be?" Alucard asks. Chris smirks.
"Let's find out, shall we? Who's ready for your first challenge?"
Fry, Miko and Penny cheer again, the others seem to have lost a little enthusiasm.
A doorway opens beneath the glowing pot of money. Chris nods and they file through it, some of them gazing up hungrily as they pass into the vast fortune.
Beyond the doorway, they've entered into a vast cathedral-like room, long and rectangular with vaulted ceilings. About three metres from the door the flooring changes from unpainted concrete to hardwood. Ten pieces of standard household furniture are lined up from the start of the hardwood to a door on the opposite side.
"So what kind of super special challenge are we getting to start off with in this crazy witch house?" Tenpenny asks.
"Yeah tell us!" Miko demands. "What are we doing? Where are we doing it!? How awesome is it gonna be? I am ready for it!"
"Well Miko since this season's gonna be one totally extreme house party I figure let's start off with some a classic game to play when you're trapped indoors. The Floor is Lava."
The floorboards crack and splinter before falling away. The furniture is left floating in the air above a vast chasm filled with a viscous orange-glowing liquid.
The contestants stare down into the pit in horror. Chris smiles.
"Who wants to go first?"
Total Drama Homespun: Cast List
1. Wallace Wells (Scott Pilgrim)
Suggested by: MemeKing the Third
2. Penny Crayon (Penny Crayon) Suggested by: 'Me' (As in a Guest going by the name Me)
3. Miko (Glitch Techs) Suggested by: SteelRobot
4. Bruce Wayne (Batman: The Animated Series) Suggested by: Filipe
5. Meg Griffin (Family Guy) Suggested by: Guest
6. Raggedy Ann (Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure) Suggested by: 'Me' (As in a Guest going by the name Me)
7. Jack Smith (Magic Tree House) Suggested by: That Guy
8. Frank Tenpenny (Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas) Suggested by: PrincessGumballWatterson777
9. Sam & Max (Sam & Max) Suggested by: G-Man
10. Herlock Sholmes (The Great Ace Attorney: Adventures) Suggested by: NeverSafeFromWaluigi
11. Philip J Fry (Futurama) Suggested by: MemeKing the Third
12. Turanga Leela (Futurama) Suggested by: G-Man
13. Guzma (Pokémon Sun and Moon) Suggested by: SurvivorNerd
14. Vultureman (Thundercats 1985 and 2011) Suggested by: 1602jaw
15: Shego (Kim Possible) Suggested by: Guest
16: Entrapta (She Ra and the Princesses of Power) Suggested by: thenewsubwayguy
17: Katara (Avatar: the Last Airbender) Suggested by: That Guy
18: Princess Zelda (Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild) Suggested by: Guest
19: Alucard (Hellsing Ultimate) Suggested by: TheMasterKat
20: Gary Smith (Bully) Suggested by: Happiness Studios
21: Elizabeth Bennet (Pride and Prejudice) Suggested by: Mrs Filipe
22: Doctor Olivia Octavius (Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse) Suggested by: thenewsubwayguy
23: Steve Harrington (Stranger Things) Suggested by: Doctor Chaotic