Chapter 1:Tinder Mishaps
"I am going to kick you out of my house if you don't get off your lazy ass and come down here" said Arthur. Arthur was an old angry man who loved to take out his anger at others. Authur liked yelling at television screens, his children, and husband.
He would also sometimes take his anger out on some poor kid working at the sandwich shop. Alfred wonders if the yelling made him feel alive. Alfred hopes that there is a point to the yelling that his father did, but he knows that there is no point.
Alfred being the eldest son of two came to some conclusions as a child. The first conclusion was that his dad and many generations before his dad had many undiagnosed mental illnesses. The second conclusion that Alfred came to is that his dad will always yell.
Alfred came to this conclusion when his uncles all started fist fighting at the christmas dinner table. All three of his uncles and his dad walked away with black eyes. When Alfred looked at his older cousins expressionless faces he knew this yelling had to be a family sickness that has been around for generations.
Authurs voice would sometimes make his skin itch out of fear. Any yelling would make Alfred freeze up and want to cry. To prevent the crying he would opt to zone out. The zoning out would make past teachers call him spacey and thought he was never listening.
Arthur threatening to kick him out the house was not new. Alfred fundamentally knew that it was just meant to scare him a little. It took Alfred 10 seconds to register what Authur wanted. "Dad wants me to help him with something?" Alfred said to himself.
If Alfred's response time was always delayed. Alfred would be yelled at no matter what he did so he preferred to be yelled at for a reason. Through the years he learned to wait until Athur would yell the second time.
And on cue Authut yelled, "Where the fuck are you!" At this point Alfreds heart was beating fast but he was able to respond with a neutral unwavering voice, "What do you want?"
He can't fight with his dad. Alfred knows that he can't win. He knows that his dad will only get angrier until he is throwing pots and pans or making empty threats. Alfred does not want to find out if his dad will ever follow through with the threats.
One day Alfred wants to test Arthur and see what would happen if he just pretended that he didn't hear him. Alfred wants to stay in his room until his dad yells himself raw in the throat.
But Alfred wonders what his dad would do. Alfred said to himself, "Would he hit me? Or would he kill me?"
"Would he actually kick him out of the house?"
Alfred knows that he does not have to stay under his parents' control. He could have moved out when he graduated high school. He could have got a job washing dishes and lived on Kiku's floor. He could have cut everyone in his toxic family off.
He could have changed his number and only given it to Mathew. Mathew is the only good thing about his family. The only other sane one. He could have done a lot of things but he opted for the easiest route. Staying relatively compliant.
Walking the path his dad wanted allowed him to play video games everyday of the week. But it was also killing him inside. Staying quiet was causing his soul to decay. He started to feel his life slipping away.
Alfred thinks something in his subconscious made him initially stay in this house for his brother Mathew. The thought of leaving Mathew alone in a house with his parents scared him. Mattie was smart but he had an attitude. When Mattie moved out Aflred could not bring himself to follow.
After Alfred graduated high school, he knew that Arthur had to yell at someone and if their papa was not there, then the next one down the line would be Mattie. That is what Alfred thought. If he went to a fancy college Athur would dig his venom into Mattie and it would infect Mattie to not have another voice of reason for the vail words that Author would speak. So Alfred decided to not go away but to stay until he knew Mattie was safe.
"But Mattie does not need me anymore," Alfred said to himself.
Arthur's voice came up the stairs like a pot and pans banging together. "Alfred, if I have to repeat myself, you better start packing your bags," said Arthur.
Alfred can tell from his dads voice it was time to start moving. He said,"Dad I'm coming!"
Alfred folded and let whatever sick cycle that he had with his father continue. He got up. When he arrived downstairs he asked, "What do you need dad?"
"I need you to help put away the fucking groceries, I know you heard me the first time," said Arthur. Alfred slowly put the carrots, meat, and celery in the fridge.
When Alfreds dad left the kitchen he said to himself, "All that fucking yelling just to put away the dam groceries."
"One day I will leave."
After putting away the groceries Alfed pulled out his phone and scrolled through TikTok. It was mind numbing. He didn't even like Tiktok but it helped him not think.
He came across a video that he thought his brother would like.
"When was the last time I spoke to Mattie?" Alfred thought.
Mattie moved in with his Girlfriend. He got away. Mattie and Alfred are close in a way that they can only understand. They both share similar childhoods. Alfred can't remember a lot of his childhood.
It's almost like he made himself forget. But if he made himself forget why does he still remember the pain in his heart.
Why does he remember the littlest moments that made him understand fear?
"You are always like this!" Arthur yelled.
"You always think you're better then me! Just because you make more money!"
"Maybe I am better than you! You are fucking stupid
and an asshoe!" said Francis.
Bang
"Arthur, did you just throw a remote at me?!"
Bang
"Alfred I'm scared"
"It's okay Mattie they're always like this"
"But it is scarier this time. They're throwing things"
Alfred hugged Mathew, and the tears coming out of Matthew's eyes got Alfred's shirt wet.
Alfred was also crying. He kept on wiping the tears off his eyes like it would stop them from coming.
After a while the shouting stopped and Alfred heard the television come on. They could hear dad and papa speaking in calmer voices. It was almost like the fighting never started.
But for Alfred and Mattie their shirts were still wet from the tears.
"See Mattie! All is good, didn't I tell you it was going to be okay!"
The loneliness in Alfred felt like he was falling through the universe.
He wanted this feeling to go away.
He could…
No
Maybe…
No
He noticed the same TikTok he was going to send his brother was playing on repeat.
He quickly opened up his Tinder to see if he would match with anyone just looking to talk, "Gosh I'm going to be forever alone!" he said to himself.
He had no one. But then he remembered all the people that he did have. He had his friend Kiku. They met in the freshmen PE class that everyone had to take. They probably would have never crossed paths if it wasn't for that required PE class. Kiku was always in AP this, and advanced thats, or honors whatevers.
The sad thing was when it came to applying to college he applied to all the ivy league schools and then got into all the ivy league schools including Harvard. Kiku was so happy when he got in but when Alfred asked, "Are you still going to do your paintings?''
Kiku responded quickly, "I probably won't have any time."
Kiku never had any time in high school, but he always somehow managed to pencil Alfed into his schedule. Kiku would also tutor him in math and science courses. It got to the point where Alfred was recommended for Honors geometry. When Alfred was sitting in the honors geometry class he realized that he had no passion for angles and or numbers.
After Kiku moved to Harvard their conversations dwindled and sometimes went silent until he came back for breaks. Then they made a deal that the first Saturday every month they would marathon all their favorite games.
Alfred had to fill his new found free time in other ways including something he called Tinder chatting. Alfred would never actually meet a stranger on the internet. That sounded dangerous and what if he fell in love?
Scrolling through Tinder was like a game to Alfred. How the game went is that when he would match with an attractive guy it made him feel good inside. It also made him feel less ugly. People on Tinder would text him, "You're so pretty." or "Your eyes are like the ocean."
Alfred used Tinder to just talk to people. He was so lonely. He did not not know how to talk to people because he was scared they would leave him. This game came to an end when the Tinder stranger would start to mention meeting. Alfred would become too scared and ghost the person.
"I'm a terrible person aren't I?" thought Alfred.
He felt cruel in his past Tinder ghosting antics. And he finally decided to stop when it happened to him. Because he finally knew the sinking feeling of one moment you have someone to talk to in between the mundane, 9 to 5 of life and the next moment they're gone. And it makes you wonder if they were ever truly there.
Alfred wondered if it was something he did, or if the other person was like him. Scared to take the jump into what could be forever, and into a relationship that would make everyone else sick with jealousy.
Alfred's current loneliness was so unbearable that he was swiping on people with the intention to maybe do what he thought was unthinkable. Go on a date.
The first picture that popped up was a shirtless man next to two girls in bikinis 'No.' The next picture was a man who looked nice but the description was just a pineapple emoji that was giving off a cryptic message 'No.'
The third picture that popped up was a man with dorky round glasses and a cute smile. He looked like a total nerd in the ways that he liked 'Yes.'
His heart jumped when he got a match but he never wanted to be the first to message. He found the swiping calming enough.
Alfred suddenly got a notification that someone sent him a memo! He quickly opened the message and it read, "Hello Alfred, a guy with glasses makes me tingly down there if you know what I mean."
His annoyance almost brought him to type, "Go fuck yourself." To the once seemingly cute man, but he just chose to screenshot the message and send it to Kiku. Alfred knew Kiku would find this message funny.
Alfred accompanied the screenshot with a text message reading, "This is why I will be forever alone. I am looking for love on a dam hookup app"
Kiku's response was, "LOL, you're on Tinder again?"
"I am going to swipe until I find love!" Alfred responded.
Alfred continued his mindless unenjoyable swiping until he heard the filmillar ping of a message being sent to him again.
The second guy started off strong with the basic get to know you questions. But the conversation halted with Alfred's least favorite question.
The message read, "What is your type?"
Alfred hated this question but responded, "I don't really have one, someone who I can talk to easily. I'm pansexual so looks don't really matter to me. What is your type?"
He knew he shouldn't have asked the other person their type because whatever the person responds would make his skin crawl.
When Alfred read, "I like bigger guys with glasses." His heart sank. He quickly deleted his account and uninstalled the app.
Fuck I'm triggerd
I want to hurt myself.
I want to hurt myself.
I want to die.
I want to die.
But it could get better.
Alfed hated anyone mentioning his weight. It was like his mind and body could not function when someone made a comment about it. Alfred had a bad relationship with food. Sometimes he would eat until he could barely breathe. And then as if he did not have control of himself Alfred would cut his thighs or burn his stomach as punishment. He knew it was wrong but no one knew. He told himself that cutting, burning, and overeating were bad habits. Some days, weeks, even months he would go without hurting himself.
Alfred thought, "I do not need help, my bad habits were in the past."
Alfred waited at the table for his brother to finish his food. Arthur would not let Mattie leave the table until his plate was clear.
Mattie poked at the food and said, "I'm full. Alfred then responded, "I'll eat it!"
They had to be sneaky though. Arthur could not hear them if they whispered. But he would also be suspicious when they got too quiet and then check on the boys.
Alfred quickly started to eat the rest of Mattie's food. All of the corn and peas were still on Marries plate. There was also one chicken nugget that touched the peas so Mattie left it on the plate.
"What do you think you are doing Alfred!" Arthur popped out of nowhere and said.
"Mattie said he was done." Alfred said.
Arthur scoffed, and said, "you will turn out fat like every other American if you keep eating like this."
Arthur then grabbed the plate with the unfinished peas. He slid the rest of the food in the trash and went to the sink to finish the dishes.
The next day they were trying to find a parking spot and a lady walked by slowly to get to her car. Alfred did not notice the lady as he was looking out the window at the store. Arthur made an annoyed growl and that made Alfred turn to his dad and ask, "What's wrong dad?"
Arthur yelled, "look at that chubby lady she really needs to walk faster."
It is the little comments that Alfred's dad makes that destroyed his self worth. The comments are rarely towards Alfred. But he could see himself in the people that his dad is carelessly cruel to.
Alfred knows that he is cruel to himself. There is so much pain in his brain. He could handle the pain in his teenage years by drowning it out with a constant stream of social media. Then his twenties came and he was left alone in an empty house.
The house would creek at night and the wind was so loud that he was not able to sleep. There was no one to talk to but himself.
Food was always his coping mechanism for loneliness and hurting himself was his coping mechanism eating. The middle years of college is where he developed those bad habits. He just did not give himself the time he needed to heal, or care to heal.
Sometimes he would get better.
And sometimes so much worse.